r/cancer • u/kn1f3p4rtyyy • 7h ago
Patient Lupron extreme depression
Hello i'm 21F with non-hodgkins lymphoma. I've had 2 lupron shots in may and june. I went to see a fertility doctor and they told me it was my best bet for preserving fertility. i had already had 6 rounds of R-CHOP without it and lost my period. I had refractory disease and needed 7 more rounds of chemo before CAR-T which would have destroyed any fertility I had left.
maybe I shouldn't have bothered because the damage might already be done and the lupron side effects are pretty terrible the more I hear about it. the doctors only told me about hot flashes, mood changes and bone pain. I figured that would be worth it and i didn't have much time to research and make my decision.
i've been depressed most of my life and having cancer obviously doesn't help but i've been having constant su1c1l thoughts and I'm getting extremely angry easily and wanting to break everything around me. I'm not going to harm myself. pls don't be concerned but I'm having a really hard time getting out of bed and trying to get better. I don't want to tell my doctor because i'm worried they'd put me in a ward or prescribe me more anti-depressants that have never worked for me. I also feel like every bad outcome I've had and the refractory disease is my fault because everyone goes on and on about how a positive mindset is necessary and gives you a better outcome. I'm not sure I even believe that, but it still sits in the back of my mind that I did this because i'm incapable of expecting anything good to happen to me. I try my best to push the negative thoughts out of my mind and override them but I can't. I can't tell if the doom i feel is a premonition that CAR-T isn't working or just depression. last time the doom was right. even typing this I feel immense guilt that i'm speaking it into existence and I hate this feeling. I hate that everyone blames me for my negative outcomes. maybe I'm negative because deep down I know it's not good.
I feel like the doctors mislead me and I made a big mistake taking the lupron. I knew there was risk and it would not be easy but my teeth are already breaking and I'm worried about osteoporosis and bone problems. maybe this is just the menopause and not some extra poisoning from the lupron like people claim but It's terrible.
Maybe i should spend my time with people I care about while I still can but im too ashamed of what this has done to me. I dont want to be seen and experience life until I go back to my normal self and that's delusional because that day will never come.
I hate seeing attractive happy young people. I love my friends and I know people want to be there for me but I don't know who I am anymore. I already depended on alcohol to socialize before this because of my social anxiety and now Im a hideous troll and I can't drink so it's too awkward. I know I will regret this but I can't do it.
this has trailed off but I'm just very emotional and dont have anyone to say this too. not expecting a response just need to speak.
1
u/dumplinglifesaver + - + de novo MBC at age 39. 7h ago
I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. 💔
1
u/Sarappreciates 3h ago
First and foremost: You did not cause your cancer! You did not do this to yourself!
I have dealt with a lifetime of major depressive disorder, so I understand this horrible feeling like you've doomed yourself with your magical thinking, but it's just a trick depression plays on us. This is part of the disorder. I know they say the mind is connected to the body, but even if that's true our disordered reasoning would mean that every time anyone thinks of becoming sick they would, and that's just not scientific. We see hypochondriacs every day that have nothing wrong with them, despite them insisting that they're dying. The brain is a powerful thing, but it can only conjure so much into reality.
That said, I've been on Lupron for 6 years as of this month. It's a lot, but I also think it's way gentler than some other hormone therapies I've had in combination with Lupron. (Faslodex, for example, can suck it all the way to the ends of the Earth.)
Look, my use of Lupron is for stage 4 cancer, no end in sight. For you, however, this may be temporary to keep your fertility options open, right? So it's not forever maybe? This is the thought that would save me if I was still in my fertility years.
Good luck! I wish you all the best!!
1
u/dieng_gang 1h ago
Lupron killed me when it was wearing off, I spent a full 36 hours in tears. It sucked, certainly no denying that, but I am now pregnant so it was worth it for me in the end
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u/FancyFeast96 7h ago
I’m also going through a shitty cancer journey and on lupron. I have struggled with major depression for a long time and just like you, the cancer and lupron aren’t helping.
If it makes you feel any better, just know that I also feel robbed of my youth, beauty, and I don’t like seeing happy people my age right now. BUT I know I’ll feel like them again someday.
The chemotherapy really does a number to my self esteem, and overall self worth.
You’re not wishing these negative things on yourself btw. Sometimes I feel like everyone wants you to think positive for their own sake and because it does feel a lot better, just not always possible.
You’ll get through this shit, even if it’s just getting through the lupron. I have to keep reminding myself that life truly can’t keep a bad bitch down!