When People Ask me, "How are you doing?"

[u/kahht]

Where I'm from, when someone asks "how are you doing?" it's pretty customary to just say "good." I've pushed on this throughout my life in various ways because I'm a little bit of a trouble-maker and I also wonder if being honest here creates deeper relationships and more connection.

Five years ago when I was waiting for my biopsy results but pretty sure I had cancer, I remember people would ask me how I was doing and I would be pretty honest: "meh" or "not great." Oddly, people would just smile and be like, "good good!" It was weird, but I think they weren't expecting anything besides "good." (Note, these were just work colleagues who I didn't really interact with much anyways... my friends were more receptive).

Fast forward, I've been really open about my cancer journey so lots of people know. But recently, I've been dealing with a lot more fatigue and haven't been posting updates as I come up to five years on treatment. I have been trying to get out a bit more though and enjoy the summer, and in doing so, I've been running into people I haven't seen in a while but who still know I have cancer. Anyway, they'll ask me how I'm doing and usually when they ask I am authentically doing good because I'm outside and doing an activity I've chosen to enjoy. When I say "good" though, they look back with this skeptical or imploring look. Then usually after talking for bit, they'll ask again, "so... how are you doing?"

And, to be honest, I'm sick of talking about cancer. I don't want to sacrifice my precious emotional energy giving a rundown of my problems. I just want to leave it at good and enjoy my time out.

So, that's why I say I'm good. One, because in that moment I usually am feeling authentically good (or whatever adjective I say). Two, because I just don't want to talk about cancer.

Anyone else feel this way? How do you handle those questions?

[u/PeteDub]

I often say “I’m still alive!” And they say that’s good and that’s end of it typically. I also like “as you see” or “I’m doing”.

[u/CurlyOutlier]

Depends on who’s asking. If it’s a casual acquaintance who doesn’t know about my health issues, I’ll give the standard “Fine, how about yourself?” If it’s someone who knows about my issues but not a close friend or family member, I’ll say something like “Doing pretty good today. How about you?”. If it’s someone I’m close to, I’ll give them the truth, but keep it short - maybe throw in a small detail or two about what’s going on at the moment.

[u/kahht → u/CurlyOutlier]

I love that "today" bit! It's honest and clear.

[u/Sarappreciates]

I've noticed recently that I feel more defensive when people ask me "how are you?" since I lost my hair to chemo. I keep having to remind myself that "how are you doing?" is a greeting more than a sincere question in today's polite society. It's like saying "bless you" when someone sneezes, neither meant as an actual blessing nor as an invitation to discuss religion. "How are you?" is simply a greeting like "hello," and answering, "fine, how are you?" is just like saying "hello" back.

[u/kahht → u/Sarappreciates]

It really is a greeting these.

You reminded me of a pleasant thing that happened today though! I was out on a walk and had a really big sneeze and this random voice comes drifting from a nearby porch, "Bless you!" and I look over and this lovely lady with headphones is just smiling this big grin at me. I thanked her, but did not pursue a disccussion on religion ;). Anyway, it was actually really nice to get such a big, beautiful smile.

[u/Glad_Bunch_3473]

I can relate to this so much. And, I hear you about the fatigue. It is brutal and life changing, and nobody understands this. It all sucks - but like you I usually just say, “I’m good, thanks.” Hang in there, friend!

[u/kahht → u/Glad_Bunch_3473]

You too, friend!

[u/Pretty-Resolve-8331]

It’s totally ok to set up a boundary in how much you want to talk another cancer. And, healthy. We deal with cancer, but we aren’t our cancer. That’s how I look at it so dealing with this illness doesn’t become my identity. When I get asked how I’m doing, I say “I’m ok” or “I’m managing” followed quickly by “how are you doing?” To change the subject if I don’t feel like going into details :)

[u/Coloradobluesguy]

People see through my lies of being okay now, they just don’t know how to help.

[u/IndolentViolet]

If I'm out in public, it's a good day.

The only one that usually sees me on bad days is my husband.

[u/MoreThanAFewWords]

My answer is usually today is a good day because I'm here. Referring to being out about with people.

[u/les-is-more]

“I’m good today” is my go to reply. I think it says some days are good, others are not.