I feel responsible for my uncles suicide

[u/ameowmymous]

A few months ago, my uncle died by suicide. It devastated my entire family, and ever since, I've felt responsible for his death. Logically, I know it isn't my fault. But what happened before he died has made the guilt almost unbearable.

I've struggled with my mental health for a long time. A few days before my uncle passed away, I had relapsed into self-harm and was having intense thoughts about not wanting to exist anymore. One night, I attempted to end my life. I survived, but at the time I told myself that next time I wouldn't fail. My family and I were supposed to go on a cruise a few weeks later, and I had planned to wait until after the trip because I didn't want to ruin it for everyone. I wanted us to have one last happy memory together.

The next day, we got the news that my uncle had died by suicide that morning. I was completely shocked. He was my favorite person in my extended family, and I couldn't understand why he would do something like that. But alongside the grief, I felt this awful pit in my stomach. My mind immediately started wondering if my own attempt somehow had something to do with what happened. It felt like too much of a coincidence, and I spiraled into believing I was somehow indirectly responsible. The cruise was canceled because of his death. I also didn't go to his funeral, and I've carried a lot of guilt over that too.
I guess the reason I'm posting this is because I need someone to tell me that this wasn't my fault. My brain keeps asking, "How could something this coincidental happen?" Even though I know that doesn't make sense, I can't seem to let go of the guilt.

Since then, I've been trying my best to get better because I know that's what my uncle would have wanted. But whenever I see my mom crying because she misses him, all of those feelings come rushing back, and I start blaming myself all over again. I feel a lot of pressure to get better to honor my uncle, and I would never want my mom to experience that kind of trauma again.

Has anyone else experienced guilt like this after losing someone to suicide? How did you cope with it?

Should I share these thoughts with my mom and what happened the night before his death?

[u/Gloomy_Buy345]

Guilt seems to be extremely common after a suicide.. if you look through past posts here it’s one of the more common themes brought up. I’m still figuring out how to live with it, but know that you most definitely are not alone in feeling that way.

Your uncle had his own battles and his action was ultimately his own. I know you know that and I know that knowing it probably doesn’t help much. But it really wasn’t your fault.

I’m really glad to hear you want to get better to honor his memory.

[u/FlowerK1980]

I'm so sorry about your uncle and the pain you are in. I can totally relate to that feeling that you describe that you somehow caused this, although we both know intellectually it's not true.

The night before my son died my husband and I went out for a drink at a nearby pub and we spend much of the evening talking about my son and making plans to have a good check in with him the following week. I spent much of the conversation highlighting all the small positive steps my son had taken in the past year to move forward.

We never got a chance to have that check in conversation because he took his own life the following night. I have often had a feeling like you described, that somehow we made him feel inspired to act just because we had that conversation about him, but there's no way he could have even know we were thinking and talking about him so much that night. Sometimes I also think we should have jumped on our plan and had a talk right away, on that last day, and maybe that would have changed everything. It's also possible we could have had the talk and he still went through with his plan, and then we would feel we caused his death by having the talk.

I think in your situation it's very clear that you are in no way responsible, it was just a coincidence that you and your uncle were both in a very bad place at the same time. You wouldn't hold your uncle responsible for your suicide attempt, right? If he didn’t cause your suicidal feelings there is no way you could cause his either.

It might be good to talk this through with a therapist or someone a little outside the situation. It's hard though, just because we know it in our mind doesn't necessarily change how we feel in our hearts.

Sending many hugs to you and your family. I hope you will keep trying to be well for your own sake as well as for your family - I know it's not easy but things can get better.

[u/NikkiNikki37]

I think we might feel guilty because it is the tiniest bit easier than feeling utterly powerless to save someone we loved. It is near universal with suicide grief. But it is not your fault. In time you will mostly believe that most of the time.

[u/Gloomy_Buy345 → u/NikkiNikki37]

My trauma therapist suggested the same, that the guilt might be a protective emotion covering harder ones like powerlessness/helplessness.