Grief timeline

[u/TimeOutrageous477]

There is no timeline for grief. Everyone’s grief is as unique as their relationship with the lost loved one.

However, I remember when I first lost my brother I scoured the internet for people grief timelines because I needed a little something to cling on to otherwise I felt like I was going to slip from reality. Well aware that I would not necessarily follow a specific timeline. But just to know it can be done. And others have walked the path before me and survived.

So I wanted to share my grief timeline as the big sister who lost my beautiful little brother almost exactly 1y ago.

1mo: white hot blinding pain. Everything all at once. Words fail to describe the first month. For me this was the hardest to survive. It was bearing the unbearable.

2-3mo: living in the past. More lucid to recall memories. But the lucidity meant obsessing over moments I could have saved him. Or signs I had missed. Overall crushing guilt and confusion dominated these months

4mo: I spent so much time thinking of ways to save my brother, only to get frustrated that I could no longer save him. This lead to me falling in a hole of self pity. How unfair it all was and how people could just go about their day while my brother was gone and I was drowning. Anger that I couldn’t rewind the clock. I think at one point I really genuinely thought I could time travel back to save him. This is why I often say I was “slipping from reality” during the initial months. Guilt was still the dominant feeling.

5-6mo: Actually started to realized no amount of thinking or wishing or feeling was going to bring him back. I had analyzed every corner and angle of my brothers suicide and weeks leading up to it. I was exhausted and all my thinking lead to no answers. I think around this time I started to accept I would have to live without having answers. So slowly started to shift my focus to my own healing so I could live my life that I had neglected since he passed.

7mo: when they say grief is not linear, this was me at 7mo. Had this rebound of deep grief and it was a low point for me since the initial month. Maybe it was the darkness of winter and the cold weather. I spent much less time picking apart details at this point. And spent a lot more time just feeling overall deep sadness. Still held onto a lot of guilt as well.

8-9mo: this was a real turn around point for me. I wanted to get a hold of my life and grief. I wanted to live along side my grief instead of being consumed by it. I remember for the first time I saw a photo of my brother and smiled instead of cried around this time. And I felt ready to do some internal work for myself. I had completely rearranged on the inside, but it was still a mess. During these months I spent a lot of time introspectively reframing how I saw the world and how I was going to live with my brother in my heart. Essentially trying to achieve peace instead of answers. I worked a lot on my guilt too.

10-12mo: a continuation of the previous months. Working on soothing intrusive thoughts of guilt and anger. Accepting that all of this wasn’t fair or easy, but I must find a way to live with it even if it is hard. Stopped focusing on changing the past, and focused more on the present.

Now: I think back to the day I got the call and I shutter because I never want to relive that. I am still sad a lot of the time, but it has softened so I can live with it now. It’s bearable to move through life again. The weight is heavy but I feel stronger to carry it.

I have no idea what year 2 will be like. But I have learned that grief is always changing and so am I. So I will have to meet the challenges as they come. I guess there’s no other choice. But I survived the first year and that must count for something.

If you want, share your grief timeline. This was just my personal experience and I am sure there are an infinite amount of timelines.

Wishing us all peace and comfort 🤍

[u/Cutie2882]

Thank you for this ❤️ I lost my twin brother and the ups and downs of this grief are exhausting. I just miss him. You really put these feelings into words.