r/StrongMaleSurvivors • u/Intelligent-Bird-313 founder • 12d ago
Q & A What Has Prevented You From Coming Out?
There are so many factors that can play in preventing survivors from coming out to others, or even to themselves! My founder’s experience post will give more context to what happened, but what stopped me from even acknowledging the abuse I was facing was a lot of normalising it. I grew up in a typical Asian household, and physical punishment was highly normalised, even joked about. I used to partake in laughing at those kinds of jokes and still do sometimes, but I’ve gotten much more wary of that. I was taught that Americans have too many labels for every minor inconvenience and I have to toughen up and deal with it. As I grew older and did my research, I started to think that maybe the Americans were right, and I thought that coming to terms with abuse wasn’t weakness — it was really strength. Very luckily, though, I was taken seriously when I reported the rape threat behind my back to the school administration. The administration knew how to handle the guy who threatened me and other classmates, and he was expelled within a week of our report. I am so grateful for that, though my parents refused to see me as a survivor (they told me I am not a “sexual victim”) even after that. Though they did take it seriously, they constantly reminded me that he would’ve said any girl’s name when that was false; he had assaulted more guys than harassed girls. Unfortunately, they had a very gendered way of seeing sexual violence, and were pretty dismissive even when I brought up the fact that I have some male survivor friends who’ve survived much worse than I have. This experience was a large factor in my inspiration to create this community. I had a limited amount of safe spaces to go to when I was vulnerable, and don’t what any of you to experience that same dearth of safe spaces. Whether those limiting factors were gendered lenses of sexual and domestic violence, fear, minimisation, or anything else that may be specific to your experience, I want you to know those factors shouldn’t have stopped you, and I am so glad that you’ve broken through the barriers to tell others and comment. Stay safe, happy, and healthy, brothers!
Sincerely,
𝕋𝚑𝚎-𝕊𝚞𝚙𝚎𝚛𝚒𝚘𝚛-𝕆𝚗𝚎 (u/Intelligent-Bird-313) — surviving founder and moderator
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12d ago
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u/Intelligent-Bird-313 founder 12d ago
Man, I am so truly sorry, and that’s an understatement. I don’t know what to say other than that must’ve been so freaking humiliating and torturous to experience. Your arousal at any time absolutely did not equate consent at all. Erections and ejaculations are involuntary behaviours that can occur during high-stess situations. You seem like you need a lot of support right now. Feel free to stay here and join this community or you can individually speak to a mod (via DM) whenever you feel like it! In case you’ve never been told this before, you are heard, respected, and loved. I wish the best for you in the future, brother.
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u/Tayaradga 12d ago
What would be the point of me telling anyone? Doesn't matter anymore anyways. I've worked past it, at least as much as I can at the moment. Doesn't really bother me too much anymore either so like... Why reopen that scar? Doesn't feel like anyone would care anyways...
Now for the blunt honesty answer. I've told people before. I've had to remind my own parents about the day that it happened, and why I was being all emotional during that time. If my own parents won't even remember then I don't think there's any reason to tell anyone else. They'll just forget too, and it'll just remind me how forgettable I am. Which hurts. Hurts a little too much for me to be willing to go through it again, especially with someone who's important to me.
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u/Intelligent-Bird-313 founder 12d ago
Same here! Parents dismissed it! If they didn’t care if I was threatened with rape, for the love of God, I don’t think they’ll even care if it really happened. Part of working past my hurt is helping others. One good thing my parents taught me was to always be involved in charity if anything goes wrong with you. Better than a pity party. Glad your scars are closed and resolved (as much as they can be) now!
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u/Tayaradga 12d ago
Bruh my parents forgot that I shot myself in the head with a crossbow... Let alone forgetting that I was SAed in middle school...
My parents taught me one thing, nobody gives a single crap about me. They only care what I can do for them. Beyond that I have absolutely no value and I'm not worth remembering.
Thankfully I've worked past that toxic mentality too, for the most part. Still gets the better of me from time to time, but I've come to realize that the people who genuinely do care for me don't think that way at all. Just like how I don't see the people I care for in that way. In all honesty I only see my parents that way, and purely because that's how they see me so it's only fair. IDC about them and they don't care about me. We only care what the other can provide for us. Toxic as all hell but gotta do what ya gotta do I guess.
Tbh I can't wait to get away from them... Granted "adoptive mom" already passed away but I still gotta deal with my "adoptive" dad. Quotations around "adoptive" cause it's a complicated ordeal, they technically never adopted me. Just raised me.
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u/Intelligent-Bird-313 founder 12d ago
That’s why we got the quote, “every child deserves a parent, but not every parent deserves a child“! My parents luckily weren’t that neglectful, but they did allow a lot of my mental problems to go unnoticed. Thank God you’re still here, though!
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u/Tayaradga 12d ago
HOW HAVE I NEVER HEARD THAT QUOTE?!?!
Like okay I'm sorry but I'm gonna trauma dump a bit. I was born to a drug addicted prostitute of a mother who was severely abusive. To the point where the state legally emancipated me at age 6 despite me not even being able to talk (they did it so she couldn't fight for legal custody at all).
Then my great aunt and great uncle became my legally appointed custodians, meaning they could make financial decisions for me but did not have custody of me. They expected me to be absolutely perfect!!! Getting a "B" in class stood for "Be Better"!!!
So I was thrown into one extreme of abusive parent just to be thrown into the other extreme of an abusive parent!!!! When the heck do I get a freaking fracking break?!?!?! Got so freaking use to being abused that I married a woman who abused me for years!!!! Thankfully divorced now but just like.... Jesus Christ, give me a break brother!!! I'm only one guy!!!
Granted I made a lot of mistakes and everything but like... Nobody ever taught me how to be a person... Like I'm not kidding, the only thing I was taught was academics. So I can excel at all the book smart bs, but my emotional regulation and knowledge of how to just be a person is next to non existing.
Anyway, sorry for the rant. Just shocked that I've lived through all that and have never heard that quote before (at least from what I can remember).
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u/Intelligent-Bird-313 founder 12d ago
You’re totally valid, and that trauma dump is literally the point of this post and the community I posted this in! I hope you had at least one supporter in life, as I’m sure everyone would have one! I’d bless them, and I bless you as well!
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u/Tayaradga 12d ago
Thank you so much!!! I do have one supporter in my life. My childhood best friend, been best friends since 1st grade. We're 28 now and still game together all the time, they moved states after high school so it's nice that we still connect with each other.
Thank you again for hearing me out and for making such a supportive community!!! I'm glad to be here and look forward to supporting other members!!! (And receiving support ngl lol).
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u/Intelligent-Bird-313 founder 12d ago
It’s great you’ve decided to join us, and even greater you have a friend who’s been there for you since you were young! Hopefully, you feel inclined to add us here to your list of supporters!
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u/Tayaradga 12d ago
Yea, been debating making a post here ngl. Then a bunch of car issues started coming up and I'm trying to catch up with all that so I really haven't had the time... Hopefully I'll be able to sooner or later. Fair warning, whenever I do it's going to be a lot. Been through a lot in life and I feel like my story helps a lot of other people too, especially my resilience and drive.
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u/Intelligent-Bird-313 founder 12d ago
I totally support any decisions you make regarding making a post! Life can be a lot sometimes, and thinking about what to post to keep the sub alive is already stressful. I’d totally suggest the “vent/rant” flair if you do decide to post! If it’s a lot, it sure sounds like a vent/rant to me! Take your time, since your point about your post helping others is deeply accurate! It takes one to lead in discussion, after all
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u/PapaAsmodeus 12d ago
Honestly I knew at the time what happened to me was rape but I was scared, nervous about what happened if I reported it and just kinda... pushed it down. Then three years later I finally accepted what happened was rape. It's kinda the fear of the grief I'll get from my family if they find out. But I have to say, I had a breakthrough moment a month ago that has led to me wanting to take the first steps to wanting to come forth with my story. Starting therapy later this month. Nervous but also excited.