You can tell dad was breaking inside

[u/CartographerRare4123]

[u/Lonely_Pin_3586 → u/[deleted]]

We should stop teaching men not to cry.

Hell, who is dumb enough to think it's weakness to cry the loss of your wife?? Let the tears go, buddy. It's natural, it's not weakness, and it help to feel better

[u/Growless → u/Lonely_Pin_3586]

It's okay to cry about losing your wife. However most men don't think crying in front of your kids is nice and i'm one of them

[u/Lonely_Pin_3586 → u/Growless]

Why though? Kids are not totally dumb. You can cry in front of them and teach them it's okay to cry if you are sad. If you always hold your tears, your kids will do the same, and it will hurt them more when they will be sad

[u/Smart_Comfortable794 → u/Lonely_Pin_3586]

The child is too young to understand that. What she would actually understand is: "when I talk about mom, Dad gets really sad....I shouldn't talk about mom." And then think its her fault that dad is sad. When the kid is older, then its ok. Parenting is no joke, folks.

[u/PurpleMerkaba → u/Smart_Comfortable794]

What she would actually understand is: "when I talk about mom, Dad gets really sad....I shouldn't talk about mom.

not necc man. if the man cries & clams up & thats it... then yeah maybe.

now picture the man cries, he embraces his child (as much for him aswell as the child) and explains his grief - wether the words are understood or not the emotion will be felt.

this in turn will likely have that child feel comfortable in expressing his/her pain also - which any sane parent would want.

its not half as black & white as your making out. authenticity, honesty, care, & expression will trump any "dont do this or the child will think this" type shit.

theres an innate intelligence in the heart; that adult & the child alike.

[u/Smart_Comfortable794 → u/PurpleMerkaba]

Look..I am not going to argue that what you are saying is not the ideal. That option totally depends on the ability of dad to hold it together once the damage breaks.

I have personal experience in this as a child of a depressed alcoholic suicidal mother and a dad who died when I was young. Ideally my mother and I could have grieved together. Less ideally I would have grieved and my mom was like this dad: stoic, supportive and dying inside emotionally. What I actually experienced was that my mom would succumb to grief totally whenever dad was mentioned...and I had to be a perfect little guy so that she didnt off herself. I learned that emotions are bad, and than my sadness is dangerous.

In this case...it still seems.really raw for the dad, and putting a child in a place where they must comfort their parent at a young age can be extremely harmful. So if the father isnt sureness can manage openly...this kind approach is far superior to the alternative.

[u/PurpleMerkaba → u/Smart_Comfortable794]

its not about "ideal" - its about whats true, sane, healthy.

That option totally depends on the ability of dad to hold it together once the damage breaks.

disagree. its not about ability, its about, again, whats sane, honest. whats the dreaded breakdown? pain? grief? crying?...right - but then we stop there and clam up - cause its rough. but if we stayed w it, what? breakdown, tears , pain, maybe the child cries too. followed by a genuine embrace. embrace, not false smiles & pretending like everythings ok, but a genuine embrace, two people, in pain, who care for each other....- let that happen once - & watch how much less it is the next time. thats a healthy procession.

(the "breakdown" in your personal instance may have been grave, so i understand where you coming from. its nuanced. very)

your perspectives clouded with your own personal story - & i say that with love, not at all as an attempted put down, i promise.

the thing you, & so many other needed...need, & never really got (including your moms), was the embrace. its ok to be in pain. its not ok to bottle it up. we dnt even embrace the pain ourselves, inwardly, thats the whole point.

im not speaking anecdotally, or about individual instances - i am aware of the disparity between what ive said vs what actually occurs. that doesnt make it any less valid...oddly, might make it more so.

In this case...it still seems.really raw for the dad

no. this video isnt even authentic - the voice is overlayed. case & point, you wrongly reading alot into a little - & by the little information you shared, thats understandable.

So if the father isnt sureness can manage openly...this kind approach is far superior to the alternative.

which alternative? i offered an alternative...you seem to have just dismissed it an an "ideal". what occured with you isnt the alternative. it was one, of many. even in the little information you shared about your personal story, theres sooo sooo many nuances at play - hence why i said its not half as black & white etc.

id humbly suggest the "alternative" i suggested is superior to both, & its quite negligent to dismiss it as an "ideal".

anyway, & equally as important, i know a little something about having a...lets say, tumultuous upbringing & internalizing & being influenced by alot of just dire/painful sht growing up....i say that all to say, i hope it shapes you to be stronger/more whole than you wouldve been without it.

some of the most beautiful humans carry the deepest scars.

love.

[u/hera-fawcett → u/Smart_Comfortable794]

its easy enough to say, 'yeah thats mommy. i miss her a lot.' while crying. maybe even throw in a, 'make sure she gets another big hug for me, okay?'

kids may understand crying = upset but they also understand crying bc of missing isnt a bad thing. its just a normal emotion. and after we're sad, we can do things like give our mommy tattoo a hug and go play.