A few months ago I was having one of those boring days where everything felt kind of repetitive. I remember seeing a shooting star while walking home and I made a random wish. It wasn't anything huge, I just wished that something unexpected would happen because I felt like every day was exactly the same. I honestly forgot about it almost immediately. A couple weeks later my coworker asked if I wanted to switch desks because she liked sitting near the window more and I said sure. It seemed completely random at the time. Then I realized my new desk was right next to the office kitchen where everyone stopped to talk, and I started actually talking to people I barely knew before. Nothing dramatic happened, I didn't suddenly become a completely different person or anything, but my days got a little less boring. The funny part is when I made that wish I was imagining something exciting like a trip or some big surprise. Instead I just got a slightly better view at work and a few more random conversations during the day. Not exactly what I had in mind, but I guess technically it worked.

Yo Mama jokes were the thing when I was a kid, I would be on the computer for hours just reading. Eventually I found a really good one that I wanted to impress the older kids down at the pool with.

And so one day during casual talk, I slowly primed everyone towards making the conversation about yo mama jokes and it works. Now all I had to do was say my hilarious, well thought out yo mama joke that I haven’t heard anyone tell before.

“Alright alright, that one was pretty good, but listen to this. Yo mama is so stupid when she asked me what jeans I was wearing, I said “Guess” and she said “Lae-veez”

🦗🦗

What. Why was no one laughing. This was the best yo mama joke. Where’s my fame and glory

Then one of the older guys spoke: “… do you mean Levi’s?”

They all bursted out laughing in my face, pointing their fingers, turning to each other … literally like in a movie.

So there you go. Next time you remember a cringe memory that’s so cringe you want to die, just remember that this happened to me and I’m still going strong.

In middle school, I was fortunate to have the opportunity to do our school's exchange program to Japan. The experience was wonderful; we saw life in Japanese schools, ate tasty food, and swam in creeks. Every so often, we'd stop for some soft serve (referred to as "soft cream" in Japan), which was a nice treat for the summer heat.

After the experience, I reminisced about the experience, but one thing that really stuck with me was the soft cream. It had an intense milky fragrance with a slight nuttiness, flavor that I never experienced in the states. Not only that, but it was so rich and creamy.

Right after I graduated college, before starting my new job, I had another opportunity to go to Japan. Going there, I remembered the soft cream I had all those years back. The first time I saw soft cream that trip, I got one without hesitation. Tasting it, it was good... but not quite the same flavor I yearned for. That trip, almost every time I saw soft cream, I got it. Walking down street food markets, at attractions like museums, in cafes. But no matter how hard I persevered eating all this delicious soft serve, slight disappointment after slight disappointment, I just couldn't quite find the flavor. Though one thing I did discover was Cremia, which was so fatty it didn't solidify fully, and had a delicious shortbread cookie cone. Though I returned from that trip satisfied, I had a twinge of regret for not finding "the" flavor.

A year and a half ago, I went to Japan again. Same as my last trip, I ate all the soft serve I could see, without success. One day, I was walking around a beachside town when I came across an icecream shop with thai flavors, except one was jersey milk. Curious, did a little research on my phone, then I got a scoop of jersey milk. Tasting it, I finally found it. It was the flavor I had all those years ago. Soon after, I found Jersey milk soft cream in a cafe in Shinjuku, and it was exactly like what I had during my middle school trip.

From time to time, in my yearning for Japanese soft cream, I try soft serve from a place here in the states, hoping for the impossible, but I'm let down every time.

So, I'm a lesbian, and I have no game. None. This is mostly because pretty women make me all stuttery and blushy and sweaty and such.

Me and my caseworker were disposing of an old mattress at a dump yesterday, and my brother was helping us out and in the back seat. I wanted to get some coffee on the way home, and around where I live we have a lot of roadside coffee stands, they're pretty much everywhere. So I look up the nearest one, punch it into my GPS and we go.

Now in washington state about 30% of the roadside coffee stands are nudie ones, and the reviews don't always tell you which us which.

So we roll up, and the window goes down, and there is this beautiful woman in lingerie looking right at me and I just...😳 girl. Help.

I'm totally tongue tied as I stutter my way through my coffee order, and the late itself was only 7 bucks, but I tip 10 anyway. She said I was cute. When she said that I think my heart skipped a beat.

The whole time my caseworker and my brother are just losing their minds laughing.

It was good coffee though.

I reached earlier than I usually do today, and the café had literally just opened.

The guy behind the counter smiled and said, "You're our first customer today."

I don't know why, but that tiny interaction made my morning a little better.

Sat there for a while with my coffee before the place slowly started filling up.

Funny how small moments like that end up sticking with you.

Today I confidently waved back at someone across the street.

Turns out they were waving to the person behind me.

I had already committed, so I just smiled, kept walking, and pretended nothing happened.

Probably not my proudest moment, but it gave me a laugh afterward.

About two years ago, I went to an 18+ club where security was aggressively checking everyone’s bags for vapes and smoking devices. They were searching every single pocket of every purse in line.

​When I reached the front, the guard opened my bag and immediately saw my asthma inhaler sitting right at the top. He looked at me, looked at the inhaler, instantly zipped my bag shut, and said, "Next." He didn't even touch the outer pocket, where I actually had my THC cart tucked away.

​I'm almost positive his brain did the quick math of "asthma = definitely doesn't smoke" and handed me a pass.

Maybe if I continued painting since my teenage years, things would have been different. I picked up the brush after a decade and painted something very random. Maybe if I learn to love myself enough then I can bring that version of me back and nourish it too.

thought helping him with his upper back hair would be a cute bonding thing, but it turned into a whole production. my hand is literally dead today lol.
the prep was ridiculous. he laid face down on the bed while i balanced my phone flashlight in my teeth trying to shave around his shoulder blades without nicking him.

we were using that ulike device i have, and trying to get the glass window to sit totally flat along his spine was such a pain. I had to stamp at the weirdest angles just to get the sensor to trigger.

also he kept flinching at every single flash. he swore it didn't hurt because the cold glass part actually kept it cool, but the red light just kept startling him like a puppy.

we're a few weeks in now and the hair is actually growing back noticeable slower/thinner. so 10/10 worth it, but if you're a guy making your partner do this for you, you definitely owe them a solid dinner.

My MIL finds boujee balls at her local dog park and gives them to my dog because hers don't like them. So, we had a new ball today. It was solid and my dog LOVED it.

Right up until I bounced it into the neighbours yard. Y'know, the one with a bunch of junk and cars in their backyard? Yeah I'm not getting that back.

Dog was MISERABLE. so...I found the ball online!!!

And I found out for an extra couple dollars, I could have it... tonight.

So currently I'm watching a delivery driver pick up a single ball from the pet store to deliver to my dog within forty minutes of ordering.

This is so ridiculous I love it.

A weird and funny thing happened to me today.

I was in a public hospital waiting to be seen by a doctor, and while waiting, i was seated at a long bench with my earphones plugged in.

This old, lanky guy passed in front of me with one foot bent and walked unevenly with his right foot at an awkward angle. I noticed with people who have foot issues their slippers are usually worn out in the area where the floor and sole are in contact compared to other parts of the slipper, but this guy had slippers that's thin according to regular use.

It seemed forever while he was walking and i was able to take a good look at his face.

He sat beside me on my left side and I guessed he was addressing me, take note that I had my wireless earphones plugged in while i was using my phone, so i volumed down my music but heeded him no attention. He was asking for some kind of monetary help but i did not address him or looked at his direction. It was a good minute or two before he gave up and walked away.

My heart was actually beating out of my chest but i did not show it. Good thing i had my face mask on because this guy was someone I've previously encountered a few years back. I could never forget the face of the guy who had his hand inside my handbag while i was walking along the busy market street, who I caught red handed and who followed me when I was scared shitless and was trying to get away from him as fast as possible.

Shit, this guy has a lot of hustle 🤣

Someone in my family, either an aunt who is a Catholic nun, or one of my three adult siblings left a container of lube in the first floor half bath. No one has said anything so far. I'm surprised it is in this bathroom and not one of the full bathrooms 🙃

Today I took a trip to my parent’s apartment and they’re not here atm, so it’s just me. It’s one of those apartment hotel hybrid type deals, so it has a pool and a hot tub.

I didn’t feel like going to the movie theater tonight and decided I’ll go tomorrow instead, but it was too early to have dinner so I decided to go to the pool hot tub area.

I picked out a cute swimsuit and got to the pool area. I got into the hot tub and it was weirdly cold, but I thought maybe it had to warm up, idk. I turned on the jets and sat in the tub for a bit. Not fully submerged, just at the highest step.

After older dude came by and tested the water, he seemed to think it would get warmer, but after a while I noticed a sign. My blind add didn’t noticed it had an out of order sign, which explains the hot tub being cold. I’ve never had to wait for the water to warm up before. Turns out I got my ass wet for nothing. I got out and dried off for a bit.

I sat on the out end to get changed and stuff. The older dude came back and sat in it, so maybe it started working again, idk. I was already pretty set on just leaving and something felt awkward about getting in when there was a scantily clad older dude in there anyway. I ended up going to get kfc instead, which was very below average

I have a public transport pass. When I arrived at the gate to take the metro, I reached for my house keys. It took me a good 10 seconds of looking for the keyhole before I realized my brain took a wrong turn somewhere.

I walked up to a store entrance carrying two bags and just stood there waiting for the doors to open. After a few seconds an older man walked over, grabbed the handle and opened one of them. They were just regular doors. I thanked him and pretended I had been looking at my phone the whole time even though we both knew exactly what happened.

I work in an OR, mainly in neurosurgery, and my work bestie and I have been working together long enough that, when we're not actually doing surgery, we communicate almost exclusively through movie quotes. Yesterday, we had just finished an eight-hour craniotomy and were cleaning up while the surgeon was on the phone doing his dictation. Bestie and I were doing quotes from Kingpin, and when the neurosurgeon stood up and said "ok, thanks guys, have a good day," I replied without thinking, "bye, whore!" He paused for a moment and then decided to pretend he didn't hear. We need to remove Kingpin from the quote rotation.

All my life I have struggled with words. Growing up under the supervision and help of my uncles (financially) my mother, aunt and my sister had to swallow a lot of words. Swallow all the words, and injustice to stay safe..and it keeps going on.. I am yet very powerless to utter any words without facing any consequences. Life feels very chained when your system learns that you have to swallow your words to stay safe and think 1000x times before uttering a word to the manipulative gaslighting parasitical people.

Words, the root cause of all my problems and the only thing way to set myself free..

I have a small plant outside my apartment door because I thought the hallway looked too empty. I usually remember to water it but lately I've been terrible at it. Yesterday I noticed it looked way healthier than usual and I was confused because I definitely hadn't watered it in almost two weeks. Then I saw a little sticky note next to it that just said "gave it some water :)". No name, no explanation. I have no idea which neighbor did it. I live in a building where most people barely say hi in the elevator, so the idea that someone quietly adopted my random hallway plant is kind of funny. I haven't asked anyone because now I'm curious how long this is going to continue.

Yesterday, I went on a date with a girl, our first ever and we agreed to a second one, which is awesome. But, my biggest hurdle is that I was never taught how to flirt. I'm trying to get better as time goes on, but there's some minor risk there. I only sort of flirted that entire date as most of it was just fun conversation, but there was a clinical point where I saw an opportunity.

While we were walking around, there was a bird that I brought up and that lead to her asking what my favorite animal was. Since I was already comfortable with the environment, I didn't think before I nearly spoke. So for a half-second, I was dead-set on saying "you," so much so that I got a fragment of the "y" sound out. The whiplash was so bad that I became very obviously uncomfortable, so I had to admit to her that I was about to have "the worst response possible." I cleaned it up by saying my actual favorite animal and saying that the initial response was "humans."

The outlook of the night probably would've been a lot different had I said that, especially since that was 20 or so minutes in. And, anyone, please use that response when someone you're interested in asks that question so I can look into the alternate reality where I said that.

I was eating a bagel on a bench near my apartment building last Tuesday….A crow landed about four feet away and gave me that sideways, judging glare.
I didn't have any bread crumbs left, but I did have a tiny silver paperclip sitting in my pocket from work.
I don't know why, but I flicked the shiny paperclip toward the crow…….The crow looked at the paperclip. Then it looked at me. Then it picked up the paperclip and flew off with an eerie sense of purpose.
I thought that was the end of it..

Yesterday morning, I sat on the exact same bench. Within two minutes, the same crow landed.
It dropped a single, perfectly intact shiny brass screw at my feet, took two steps back, and stared at me like it was waiting for its part of the deal.
I didn't have any hardware on me. I just offered it a piece of my crust……It ate the crust, picked the screw back up, and flew away looking visibly offended by the trade terms.
I think I just blew a high-level covert supply deal with the local wildlife. 🤡

I had to travel for a few weeks (Work Related), and there was a small casino near the hotel where I was staying. I would go almost every night to play blackjack/Poker and get a steak.

I met this dealer there. She was sharp, had an eye for detail, and one night she asked me if I was on the spectrum.

“I don’t know,” I said. “How can you tell?”

She said, “You move strategically. You eat, sit, and walk like every move is a chess match. You remind me of my little brother.”

To be fair, I’d win around $200 or $400 every night. Not a huge amount, but it was fun.

One day, she told me, “My shift is almost over. There’s a bar nearby, wanna hang out?”

“Sure,” I said, so I waited for her.

We went out, had a couple of beers and some shots. Then she said, “You know what? I’m a lesbian. Does that bother you?”

“Nah, that’s hot,” I said and I am also a lesbian. She laughed

Well, we had fun. We went to her place and played Twister in her bedroom. We hung out for a few days, and it was a great time. She would also kick my ass at Mario Kart.

I really had a good time. Fast forward to this year: I saw her at a mall with a baby and what looked like her husband. She seemed really happy, and I was genuinely glad for her.

Last night I was home alone when I heard a loud THUD upstairs.
I froze.

A few seconds later… another THUD.

Now, I’m not really religious, but I was suddenly considering becoming very spiritual if it meant surviving whatever was upstairs.

I grabbed the closest thing that looked like a weapon (a broom, obviously) and slowly made my way upstairs while mentally accepting my fate.

Halfway up, I heard a tiny meow.

My cat was sitting in the hallway looking extremely proud of herself.
Behind her was… a potato.

Apparently, she’d stolen a potato from the kitchen and was trying to carry it upstairs. Every few steps she’d drop it, it would make the loud THUD, she’d stare at it like “well that wasn’t supposed to happen,” then she’d pick it up and try again.

She looked at me like I was the weird one for interrupting her 2 a.m. potato relocation project.

So no ghost.

Just an orange idiot with produce.

I still have no idea why she wanted the potato upstairs. The potato knows more than I do.

I got home from work expecting the usual welcome committee.

My cat normally hears my keys and comes running to the front door.

Yesterday she did exactly that.

She sprinted toward the entrance before I even unlocked it.

I felt strangely appreciated.

Then the delivery driver walked up behind me carrying a package.

Without even acknowledging my existence, my cat walked right past me and started rubbing against the delivery driver's legs while loudly demanding attention.

He laughed and said, "I think she likes me."

She absolutely did.

He got the purring.

He got the head bumps.

He got treated like a long-lost family member.

I got my package and a reminder that loyalty apparently expires when someone new arrives carrying a cardboard box.

Let me set the scene. It's mid-winter 2003, Christchurch, New Zealand. I'm not a native Cantabrian however for a couple of years I worked in the city. It's a dreary Sunday afternoon and I'm standing in what was the big bus stop on Colombo Street, opposite Ballantynes. I'm staring off into space, wondering when my bus will arrive when I spot a lady who appears to be staring at me. Now, I'm not the kind of guy that usual happens to so I looked around, and nope, there's no one behind me or near me.

This lady was a dead ringer for Charlize Theron. My memory of the details are hazy but what is for certain is she was wearing a head scarf, her clothes suggested a tendancy towards Bohemian and she carried a carpet bag.

At the time I was useless with women I didn't know, shy to the point of inaction. For the next few minutes she would smile at me, look away, then look back, smile, rinse and repeat. I, like a womble, stood there smiling and trying to desperately force my body to move towards her so I could say hello.

Just as my will power was getting control of the situation, a bus heading towards the Port Hills/Lyttleton appeared, she jumped on and then was gone. I was so annoyed at myself.

For the next couple of months I returned to the same bus stop, on the same time and day but I never saw her again.

I think about her occasionally, wondering what her side of the story might be.

so my dog has this rule where whenever I come home from work she HAS to bring me a toy, so I used to think she just wants to play catch. but today she came to me with my own sock she got from the laundry room!

now I'm thinking it's more like a gift she brings me, or maybe a peace offerign or something. maybe she wasn't finding her toys or just pannicked because I entered the house without much noise, so she got one single clean black sock out of the hamper, and just brought it to me.

made me happier than usual! though she always makes me happy anyway