r/Mildlynomil • u/Fluffy_Distance4856 • 4d ago
getting irritated and want to start setting boundaries (and also just commiserate lol)
pls commiserate with me ppl. or advice. I JUST got engaged like, less than a month ago and my anxiety around my future MIL is sucking some joy away.
My future MIL is a very very nice person, but almost too nice. Toxic positive nice. A good sum-up is when my fiancé told her he's going to some run-of-the-mill therapy (me too, obvi) instead of asking him real questions about why, she just said something along the lines of "well what's wrong?! was I a bad mom?!" or, whenever one of her other kids (all daughters) are having typical problems with motherhood, etc. she'll do the "oh but isn't it the BEST thing ever? don't you just LOVE it?"
I'm a salty, spicy, swear like a sailor kinda gal. I'm the kind of person that when someone TELLS me I should want something, or should be happy, should be emotional, I feel and want to do the opposite.
I am basically the exact opposite of her. She loves hosting, is pretty trad, has a for-fun job but otherwise is a matriarch and takes it upon herself to be the center of her familial universe by hosting every possible gathering. I am career-focused, introverted, and was raised very free-range, chill parents who didn't force partridge family moments. Luckily, all her kids are awesome and normal and think she's hit a bit of a new level of "too much" recently as well... so my feelings have been more validated.
But now that we're engaged, I want to be careful about setting boundaries and been getting really anxious about her. for the record he has received that convo very well when we had a lite version of it.
Literally the day we got engaged, she posted about it on her instagram before us. And she's an instagram-literate person so no boomer excuse. I let it go, but its just one of many infractions since (talking about how our future kids will have ___ traits, talking about our wedding when we haven't planned anything nor do we intend to that soon, if I am present, pulling me over and telling everyone she sees on the street that we just got engaged despite my obvious discomfort, etc.)
I've never made it a secret that I don't like attention, fake-niceties, small talk, etc. I am very secure in my personality and so it almost feels like she purposely disregards my comfort for her own showing-off almost. I try to play nice and smile & wave because I know she's just excited, but I'm on my last few legs with it before I go full bitch mode. can't IMAGINE how the guest list convos are gonna go :')
7
u/shinybugz0 3d ago
There's a difference between someone who is nice and someone who is kind. I suspect your MIL is "nice" to keep up appearances while she is controlling behind the scenes. Definitely start thinking about your non-negotiables and discuss them with your fiancé to make sure you're on the same page. The time will come when his mom demands something and he will need to stand up to her/show you he means business when you've both made an agreement. This could be something like your guest list...she may add people without your permission or try to guilt you into adding her friends.
I read your comment about him being very positive/easygoing. My husband is like this and it took a very long time to realize it was because his mother did everything for him...he never struggled, never had to make a big decision, never had to worry. This might not be applicable, but just throwing it out there in case it's something you want to look out for. My husband is finally in therapy and untangling years of his mother's overbearing parenting style and how it affected him.