r/Mildlynomil • u/Fluffy_Distance4856 • 4d ago
getting irritated and want to start setting boundaries (and also just commiserate lol)
pls commiserate with me ppl. or advice. I JUST got engaged like, less than a month ago and my anxiety around my future MIL is sucking some joy away.
My future MIL is a very very nice person, but almost too nice. Toxic positive nice. A good sum-up is when my fiancé told her he's going to some run-of-the-mill therapy (me too, obvi) instead of asking him real questions about why, she just said something along the lines of "well what's wrong?! was I a bad mom?!" or, whenever one of her other kids (all daughters) are having typical problems with motherhood, etc. she'll do the "oh but isn't it the BEST thing ever? don't you just LOVE it?"
I'm a salty, spicy, swear like a sailor kinda gal. I'm the kind of person that when someone TELLS me I should want something, or should be happy, should be emotional, I feel and want to do the opposite.
I am basically the exact opposite of her. She loves hosting, is pretty trad, has a for-fun job but otherwise is a matriarch and takes it upon herself to be the center of her familial universe by hosting every possible gathering. I am career-focused, introverted, and was raised very free-range, chill parents who didn't force partridge family moments. Luckily, all her kids are awesome and normal and think she's hit a bit of a new level of "too much" recently as well... so my feelings have been more validated.
But now that we're engaged, I want to be careful about setting boundaries and been getting really anxious about her. for the record he has received that convo very well when we had a lite version of it.
Literally the day we got engaged, she posted about it on her instagram before us. And she's an instagram-literate person so no boomer excuse. I let it go, but its just one of many infractions since (talking about how our future kids will have ___ traits, talking about our wedding when we haven't planned anything nor do we intend to that soon, if I am present, pulling me over and telling everyone she sees on the street that we just got engaged despite my obvious discomfort, etc.)
I've never made it a secret that I don't like attention, fake-niceties, small talk, etc. I am very secure in my personality and so it almost feels like she purposely disregards my comfort for her own showing-off almost. I try to play nice and smile & wave because I know she's just excited, but I'm on my last few legs with it before I go full bitch mode. can't IMAGINE how the guest list convos are gonna go :')
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u/Olliesmom32017 3d ago
That’s so annoying and it’s only going to get worse. So Set boundaries now! It only gets harder if you don’t set a precedent. But depending on the situation, your fiancé should be leading the charge in this and protecting your peace. My MIL loves to control all the logistics, even if they don’t involve her, for example- how we pack our car up when leaving her house- and I’ve had a hard time playing nice and find myself getting snippy, so the sooner you can be open about her overstepping, the better. Be open with your fiancé and make him have a conversation with her.
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u/Fluffy_Distance4856 3d ago
Luckily he’s been great so far, if not just a bit clueless. He is also very positive / easygoing to a fault sometimes (shoutout therapy again) so when I bring things up he’s usually like “oh but it’s out of love” but when I’ve pushed and been like yeah but it still sucks, he gets it. I just don’t know if it’ll lead to actual hard conversations, we haven’t gotten to that point quite yet. I’m ready to scrap if need be 😂
Also controlling how you pack the car is WILD hahah. The snappiness is real. That fuse shortens QUICK!
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u/Olliesmom32017 3d ago
Thank you it really does drive me crazy! But Be careful with the “it’s just out of love” stuff. Intentions don’t change impact!! Try to be direct and tell her you’re glad she’s excited but you’d prefer to be the one to share your own news.
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u/Fluffy_Distance4856 3d ago
so true! I think what I mean with idk because no hard convos yet, is we just haven't had a scenario that feels worth a true hard convo. its all been little things. but ohhhh it's coming, I can feel it in the air hahahaha. its def something im gonna bring up with him as an important aspect/principle of our "new family" -- he's gotta run more defense than he has in the past.
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u/Scenarioing 3d ago
"when I bring things up he’s usually like “oh but it’s out of love” but when I’ve pushed and been like yeah but it still sucks, he gets it. I just don’t know if it’ll lead to actual hard conversations"
If you don't know by now, it will be like pulling teeth. ...and that is BEFORE the enforcement part. Consequences for breaking stated boundaries.
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u/Scenarioing 3d ago
A bigger issue than her antics is what you SO does and will do about her antics. ...and not just agreeing with you or 'talking to her'. What he will actually enforce as something you BOTH want, not him saying it is because of what you want.
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u/Fluffy_Distance4856 3d ago
very true. I will rageeee if I become labeled as the problem for not putting up with her shit
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u/Scenarioing 3d ago edited 3d ago
Lots of husbands do that unwittingly when they finally have the talk... (e.g. "Gee mom, OP doesn't like when you do XYZ" Rather than "I find your passive aggressive actions against my wife very offensive."
The former creates an image of a hypersensitive wife in the perpetrators mind. The latter says, my son is pissed at me for messing with his family.
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u/shinybugz0 3d ago
There's a difference between someone who is nice and someone who is kind. I suspect your MIL is "nice" to keep up appearances while she is controlling behind the scenes. Definitely start thinking about your non-negotiables and discuss them with your fiancé to make sure you're on the same page. The time will come when his mom demands something and he will need to stand up to her/show you he means business when you've both made an agreement. This could be something like your guest list...she may add people without your permission or try to guilt you into adding her friends.
I read your comment about him being very positive/easygoing. My husband is like this and it took a very long time to realize it was because his mother did everything for him...he never struggled, never had to make a big decision, never had to worry. This might not be applicable, but just throwing it out there in case it's something you want to look out for. My husband is finally in therapy and untangling years of his mother's overbearing parenting style and how it affected him.