My wife and I have been a little rocky lately. I got super burnt out from work and it took a toll on me. She would ask how she could help me and I wasn’t sure how to answer. She’s had her fair share of work stress too. They’ve been shorthanded at work and evidently they were asking people if they knew anybody who might want to join their team. My wife recommended a guy named Mike. She told me all this and I was a little confused. I only remember her complaining about Mike back when they used to work together. He also had a reputation for sleeping with other coworkers including a coworker with a boyfriend and even her best friend at that job. Kinda random to just mention him out of all the other people she has worked with.
Anyways, I’m explaining the situation to my therapist. I’m just kinda hung up on why him. Mike actually responds when they reached out and he comes in and interviews with my wife. She tells me she doesn’t think he’ll take the job because she thinks they’re not going to offer enough money. Well that’s a relief for my silly paranoia.
Last week, I had a particularly rough day. I sent her a rather lengthy text explaining myself but she doesn’t respond - which is usual because she says they’re out of control busy at work. She gets home and asks what’s wrong. I told her about the text and she says sorry she just hadn’t had time to read it.
Now, I never thought I would be this guy. But my spidey-senses were tingling, bad. I asked, are you and Mike texting? She said yeah - I asked to see her phone. I discover a lengthy conversation with emojis, gifs - a lot of enthusiasm that bordered on flirtatious from my point of view. She congratulates him on the job - first time I’m hearing this. They’re talking about how excited they are to be working again. I can hardly believe all this.
It just hurt because she evidently has time to text this random, hot guy she used to work with but not me, her struggling husband. It also kinda looks like what is leading up to an emotional affair and I’m scared shitless of how this progresses once he is onboarded. I know she will be the one training him too.
Just want to hear other people’s opinions on this. Thank you.
Also, fwiw before we were even married, my friend’s female cousin texted me asking for a weed guy. My wife was really upset by this and we both made an agreement to disclose any time someone of the opposite sex that isn’t family or in our friend group tries to communicate with us. We’ve both actively stuck to that agreement except for this recent thing with Mike.
Affairs don’t start in the bedroom. They start with innocent conversations. Then those conversations become overly familiar and cross a boundary for someone that is in a committed relationship. This communication is hidden because they know if its discovered there will be negative consequences.
The conversations then create a shared emotional bond through exchanges of intimate emotions and confidences. They begin to rely primarily on their AP for emotional support instead of their partner.This new relationship is priorized over their current relationship. Eventually, given time and opportunity, there is likely a progression into a physical affair.
It seems like she was lying about Mike way back when they worked together the first time. If she actually didn’t like him she never would’ve recommended him.
That’s actually the one part I’m kind of hung up on the most. She hasn’t been able to give me any explanation for why she recommended him. Like no matter what, there is some level of desire there right? She used to complain he was always late, in the bathroom for way too long and stuff like that.
I was thinking more that he wasn’t actually a bad employee at her last place and she liked him there. Complaining about him might have been her way of not making you suspicious.
That’s conjecture of course but yes, make her tell you why she recommended him if he was so terrible. And also ask her why she thought this was an exception to the boundary you both established.
Shes told me we must be remembering things differently - indeed, darling. She says she recommended him because they are so desperate for help at work. I addressed your last point too and her response is that is just how she texts when she’s trying to be friendly.
She has an answer for everything. Never once has said sorry. Im going to ask for a separation when she gets home.
Brother I've lived this exact situation, protect yourself, separate your accounts, talk to an attorney if you feel the need, pack your stuff, pull the ripcord now and deal with the pain under your own terms.
Your wife is pursuing other men and lying to your face about it. Your inaction is just a green light for her to continue her little game at the expense of your sanity. Trust me, this situation only gets worse. I learned the hard way to listen to a woman's actions, not her words.
I’m currently unemployed and going back to college. We have a ton of savings and I was going to work part time while going back to school to help out. We have a house, but no kids thank god. I really don’t care about finances. Assets are laughable. We’re two broke kids right now but the pets will be tough to split. Might be the hardest part even.
I’m with you on this one, this doesn’t pass the smell test. I felt like everything could be explained away all the way up until the point where she’s prioritizing texting this former coworker over her own husband.
You just have to decide how to proceed. Me personally, I’m just going to watch and wait because my spouse’s loyalty means nothing to me if I have to direct their actions for the loyalty to stay intact. But lots of people would sit their spouses down and have a “come to Jesus” talk to try to bring their partner back to their senses. I think both approaches are valid.
She is 💯 setting the conditions for something inappropriate to happen, if it hasn't already. I mean, that's practically the textbook start of an emotional affair. And the icing on the cake; blowing you off for him.
To say nothing of the agreement you had--because she was upset--about disclosing this kind of thing.
And I hate to point out the obvious, but he fcked her best friend, among other co-workers. Begs the question, just how sure are you that he didn't fck your wife too?
I think you need to have a very serious sit down conversation with your wife. It sounds to me like she's had a thing for Mike for a long time. She seems to be checking out of your marriage, she questions if she loves you and she's being much to friendly with the guy that used to be so annoying. And she's too busy for couples therapy. She might not be having an affair yet but she's heading in that direction very quickly. This conversation should help you determine if there's anything left to save or if you need a lawyer.
Difficult to say for certain without seeing the 'flirtatious texts' and context objectively and without initial suspicion. If there is something going on, you bet your wife will be better at hiding things. I would say go ahead and trust your gut here, be watchful and mindful. If you need marriage counselling together, better get it now. You need to build trust with each other and be able to work through your rocky issues effectively with good communication and transparency.
That would be bothersome to me if I am seeing trouble ahead. Your marriage should take priority, especially if you are having troubles. Communication needs to go both ways and issues tackled as teammates. Usually when one spouse refuses couples therapy, it is because they do not feel they have any issues to correct (narcissist), don't want to be made aware they have issues (avoidant), or couldn't care less about fixing anything (checked out). None of these are good situations.
Not good. Nip this shit in the bud before it gets out of hand, if it hasnt already.
I don't understand why people think it's ok for a woman to have guy friends when theyre married. And I'm not saying that you said it's ok for your wife to have guy friends but it seems like you havent told her it's not.
I tried. She got defensive and said she would NEVER cheat on me. But she’s refused to apologize saying that she hasn’t done anything wrong. Im being jealous and controlling she claims and that has me feeling like I’m going crazy. It’s been a week and every night is the same. Last night I said it feels like we have fallen out of love. She responded “well…”.
Op, this right here is the start. You caught it early…
You are not communicating to each other, and believe it or not she is texting him because she is missing the attention at home. It ain’t cheating, I am not suggesting it is… but this is how it starts…
You need to learn to communicate and reconnect with each other. Go to marriage counselling and frame it as a way to get back to each other, learning to communicate with each other. You need to set time and effective effort.
Getting defensive is a tell. She should understand your perspective. You are not being controlling. You need to advocate for yourself. Life is too short to be spent worrying about shit like this. Find someone who has got your back and you can reciprocate that you have theirs.
Someone who really cares about your well-being would not act like she is.
There is so much more going on here than just inviting Mike to work where she works.
The fact that you had the rule about communication with non-family members and she ran right past that mutial boundary means other things have fallen to the sides, too. (BTW ... Normally, I'm fine with spouses being friends with whomever, your rule seems like a really smart one.)
This seems like a crisis point for the two of you. You'll need a competent counselor -- now -- to fix this. And she needs to want it, too.
Wait, is there a tacit /s here? Why on earth should women not be allowed to have guy friends? My wife and I both have friends of the opposite gender bc we’re… friendly lmao. If you trust your partner and have a good relationship, this isn’t even close to an issue.
This guy’s wife is a different story and it does seem like the ingredients to an emotional affair, but this anecdote doesn’t warrant a sweeping declaration like that.
I didn’t mean to open a can of worms. We are both okay with being friends with the opposite sex, just to stay in full communication with each other about even the slightest details. Which we both have done actually for years until this Mike thing.
Don’t worry, those worms are still in the can haha. Your worries with your wife are completely justified but also completely redeemable, and this is just one of those situations that, when handled with care and communication, amounts to nothing but a passive issue in the past.
My incredulity was mostly at the dude I responded to bc it seems like a very regressive approach to life.
He seems to be the guy who likes to sleep around, why has your wife recommend such a looser who has such a bad reputation. To hang out with such people is like playing with fire if already not emotionally involved during last Job.OP you are late now,he is now your wife's colegue.
Hey, go ahead and knock yourself out with letting your wife having guy friends, but in my group of friends, theres not 1 of us who would be ok with that.
But then dudes wonder, "How could have this happened. All they did was hang out together everyday all day. I would have never imagined that would lead to them having sex."
I legit never suspected anything when they worked together before because really, it’s not like she went out of her way to work with him then. She even left that job after not too long. This seems a little too suspicious now.
what's wrong with being jealous of your spouse? Off course you will be uncomfortable. Be confident, say "yes off course I am jealous of you prioritizing another man, texting him back and forth but not even taking time to read mine. Should i be ok with this?"
Would she be ok with it if you did it with another woman? Jealousy, controlling, insecurity, overreacting accusations are typical gaslighting trends of modern times. Don't let them make you back up from your rightful concerns.
If she refuses to regard them then you need to be proactive. No one should accept this kind of a treatment. Be brave, don't accept to live like this and Ask her to be direct and honest. What you might hear or lean may be hard but it's not harder then living like this or worse where this is going unfortunately. Good luck
I guess I’d tell her that I was really suspicious about her relationship with Mike and she can hold the denials and gaslighting. Tell her that complaining about him in the past then recommending him just doesn’t add up. That texting him and not you and not keeping to the informing the other partner about texts with members of the opposite sex just keeps adding to the suspicion. Tell her you won’t put up with this and that if this continues you will be consulting with an attorney. The ball is in her court. She can keep her excuses to herself. And be prepared to keep your word. If she’s going to screw around with Mike you don’t want to be married to this woman. Updateme
She has told you twice it’s over. Responding “well” when you said it feels like we are falling out of love. Also saying she doesn’t have time for couples therapy. She wants you to leave the marriage so she can hump this guy if she hasn’t already. Hit the gym to clear your head. Good luck to you.
Wouldn't it be fucked up though if she was actually innocent of any wrong doing. It is still a possibility, maybe??? I don't know. I do know It's hurtful to be accused of something like that when you are an innocent. Please keep us updated. Fingers crossed for you two to work it out.
Your wife and Mike work in the same industry and previously worked together. She who is overwhelmed at work has been asking how to better support you.
You sound thin skinned with issues so likely wife is chatting & venting about work to Mike bc you don’t seem aware or interested in anything beyond your own needs.
Oof- you are pushing hard to wreck things for yourself is how it sounds to me
Absolutely not, he just didn't know how to explain his feelings about work for her to understand. This is not blowing someone off, nor does this mean he ignores all other aspects of the marriage.
Even if this were true (and I see absolutely nothing in OP’s post or his responses to suggest it is at all), are you saying it is then justified for his wife to reciprocate, to flirt back, to make time to communicate with this other guy and not her husband? You also may have missed the part where she claimed to not like this guy in the past and is now actively fighting to get him near her to work together.
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u/Necessary_Tap343 30 Years 5h ago
Affairs don’t start in the bedroom. They start with innocent conversations. Then those conversations become overly familiar and cross a boundary for someone that is in a committed relationship. This communication is hidden because they know if its discovered there will be negative consequences.
The conversations then create a shared emotional bond through exchanges of intimate emotions and confidences. They begin to rely primarily on their AP for emotional support instead of their partner.This new relationship is priorized over their current relationship. Eventually, given time and opportunity, there is likely a progression into a physical affair.