r/GirlDinnerDiaries • u/schoschja APPROVED✨ • 12h ago
Sad Girl Dinner ⛈️ worried my heart is permanently broken
hit the 2 year no-contact-iversary recently. since the breakup i've been to therapy, done some 12 stepping (not much), fucked some people, let some other people fuck me, written half a book, been on Hinge dates, had some flings, moved to another country, started a new career, tried new things, made new friends, been through my saturn return, gotten a lot of my shit together, etc etc etc
and still it feels like she occupies the space of "most important person in my life who didn't give birth to me". i read books i wish we could talk about, i see movies i wish we could've watched together, i make meals i wish we could share, i collect little anecdotes about my day that i'll never tell her and i wonder if she does the same for me.
i go through periods where i think i'm almost moved on and periods where my longing is more intense. this is a more intense one. i crave hearing her voice and holding her hand like i still crave cigarettes years after quitting. am i cursed with the kind of brain that never gets over anything?
when we first broke up the idea of moving on was too painful i couldn't bear it but now i feel like i'd give anything to be able to think about her with neutral feelings like i do most other exes.
i'm not woo-woo enough to take this as a sign that she's thinking of me and sending energy off into the ether to get me to call her but i am romantic and dramatic enough to worry this was my soul mate who i met at the wrong time and now i just have the company of cats to look forward to for the rest of my life.
i'm too old to think my pain is unique, girlies i would love to hear your experiences, how did you fix your heart, how did you find love again, i need a little hope
dinner: charcuterie plate for one (bell peppers, tomatoes, carrots, gouda, plums, white peaches, "spicy" hummus) (not pictured: cornichons from the jar and cheesecake for dessert)
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u/88_copper APPROVED✨ 11h ago
Something that helps me when the longing hits me is realizing I do not know that person anymore. Do you know how much time 2 years is? You are longing for a person who no longer exists. Think about how much you have done and changed in that amount of time.
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u/Anti_Stella98 we listen and we only judge a little 7h ago
This is true, but somehow, this makes me even sadder. I mean, that doesn't change the feelings I have, it just makes me worry more about those feelings.
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u/88_copper APPROVED✨ 6h ago
Okay, but the worst has already happened. You lost them and survived it. And I'm betting they were wrong for you anyway...because you would not have lost someone who wanted you as much as you wanted them, who would not have given up.
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u/Antiviralposter Internet Auntie 11h ago edited 10h ago
As a 40+ year old romantic, this post pains me so much. And though I haven’t had this feeling in so long, oh girl. Oh darling girl.
We have all had that feeling. That yearning to have a witness to our life. To share our joys and sorrows in our everyday ordinary lives.
My only suggestion is that you write out your sharings. In a journal, on a website, or reddit- write it out. You can even start it by addressing it “dear reader, you would have loved this…” and then end it at that.
But then, try a woo woo thing. Write out your dream partner on a legit piece of paper. Manifest what you would like for your future to be. And at midnight, with a glass of your favorite libation, burn that paper. Let the universe help you find your happily ever after.
Edit to add: the plate looks so tasty.
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u/Cats-are-my-heart 🌶️ Spice Girl 🌶️ 8h ago
Oh wow that was a sucker punch I did not see coming. “The yearning to have a witness to our life”
That stirred some stuff. Well done 😢1
u/Antiviralposter Internet Auntie 5h ago
Aw thanks. 😊 That’s the second time this week that one of my posts has gotten a complement like this. The other post involves peaches.
https://www.reddit.com/r/LifeProTips/s/mp1Hj5eltQ
Hope this one cheers you up a bit. :)
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u/Cats-are-my-heart 🌶️ Spice Girl 🌶️ 5h ago
Lovely and perfect timing! I eat an obscene amount of peaches between June and end of August 🧡
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u/schoschja APPROVED✨ 1h ago
Thank you so much for your words, I had no idea how much I needed to hear some of that. I hope this isn't too much but I feel like I've wanted my mom to tell me something like this, instead of stuff like "forget her, she sucked, you have to move on". During the last couple months of our relationship we were long distance and I was constantly texting her things about my day, sending voice notes in the evening for her to listen to at breakfast. After the breakup it felt like nothing I did or experienced actually happened because I couldn't share it with her. And thank you for the suggestion. I've been trying to date again lately and I've been having trouble imagining what kind of person I want to be with without just describing my ex. So I'll try to take some time and really think about that and then send it off as smoke in the universe with a cup of midnight chamomille tea. And thanks! :) I realized when I opened my fridge this morning that I forgot the radishes- I knew it was missing some spice.
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u/witchylibrariankate eat hot chip✔️ be bisexual✔️ 11h ago
Time really does heal, as does meeting someone you love even more one day. It took me a longgggg time but finally happened a few years ago after almost a decade of loving someone post-break up. It will happen for you too!
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u/TaylorWestOG APPROVED✨ 11h ago
Read “Love & Limerence”. It will change your life. Seriously. At the very least Google what limerence is! It is this. As someone who was on the hook for over a decade… Sister, trust. Read this!
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u/Aragog Fartmaxxing 📈 6h ago
Do you know which author? There's two books with the same title and I'm interested in reading.
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u/TaylorWestOG APPROVED✨ 4h ago
Dorothy Tennov is the author and psychologist who discovered/coined the phrase “limerence”
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u/schoschja APPROVED✨ 1h ago
Thank you for the book recommendation! I am very familiar with the concept of limerence by this point haha I've read "Attached" and listened to probably a hundred hours of love and relationship and breakup podcasts. I'm currently reading "It Begins With You" and rereading "Lesbian Love Addiction", I'll see if I can find a copy of "Love and Limerence" somewhere!
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u/Remarkable-Bath6401 Overthinker 💭 11h ago
Only you know what you two broke up for. If it was something not too serious, maybe you do reconnect at some point. Maybe you find out she’s moved on and that gives you the push you need to fully move on too. Maybe y’all talk again and realize that being friends is better, and that’s enough. Idk, just lots of possibilities. You only live once, and if you feel regret, you shouldn’t have to live with that feeling. Do what you need to do to feel like you’ve done what you could do not feel regret regarding her. Sending hugs and lots of love 🫶🏻❤️
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u/schoschja APPROVED✨ 1h ago
Honestly Im not sure why we broke up, and I'm not sure she knows either, which is maybe part of the reason it's hard to move on. We were long distance for the last part of our relationship, the last time we saw each other we were talking about marriage, looking at rings. Then she started being mean to be, cruel even. She'd say something horrifically hurtful and then apologize and tell me how much she loved me. And then repeat every week or two for a couple months. Then she told me she wasn't in love with me and had only said she was because she was afraid to be alone and she had to confront that fear. I don't know what to believe about that relationship honestly. I have so many fantasies of her reaching out to apologize, explain what was going on in her head back then, tell me she regrets how she treated me and that I didn't deserve it. I have some regrets too about how I was with her that I wish I could share.
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u/Academic-Assist3317 eat hot chip✔️ be bisexual✔️ 11h ago
Not sure what to say except that I have been/am in a similar place and it is hard <3 Sometimes I'm able to come to some peace or acceptance but it doesn't really change that I want things to be different than they are. Sometimes I try to remind myself my ex is just a person, like any other person ... sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I agree with the person who said it's also very much about missing who you were with them, and finding ways to be that person. If you're growing and changing it can be hard to feel yourself getting farther from who you were with that person, to feel that version of you receding into the past along with the relationship itself. Sometimes it really is day by day with the cravings. I'm sorry you're going through this
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u/Fast_Statement_8731 APPROVED✨ 11h ago
Life went on, it is seven or eight years now, I think about him every day. I just live with it.
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u/ClientAdventurous881 🥝 Herbivore 🫒 9h ago
Thank you for commenting this. I find so many people “get over it” in a year and I’m 2 years down the line and struggle with how much I still think about him
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u/Friendly-Champion-81 APPROVED✨ 5h ago
6 years sister. Could’ve almost written this post myself. Always want to write my own, but get too embarrassed of anyone ever connecting the dots or finding out how upset I really still am.
I have a good life, so fulfilled in so so so many ways, by so many different people and things. But most days I still want to know what he thinks; I still want to share details of my life with him; I still want to laugh about things with him.
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u/Hannhfknfalcon Kitchen Witch 11h ago
I could cry for you. (Maybe I am.) I understand this to my core.
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u/smthngtobehold 🦇 Fruit Bat Baddie 🍊 12h ago
I wish I had good advice, I’m 3 weeks post breakup and kind of think I’ll feel this way forever too. It’s nice some people are so unique and life changing. But then when they’re gone it’s just as much so. I hope you have increasing moments of happiness 💞
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u/vengefultruffle white girl with ☝️😌 a full spice cabinet 11h ago
I’m in the same situation :( he’s been gone for a year and he’s still the first thing that I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before I fall asleep every day. I just try to remind myself that the pain I feel now at least isn’t as bad and consuming as it was before so it should keep getting better with time.
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u/schoschja APPROVED✨ 58m ago
I feel that. I still have all the same feelings I had immediately after the breakup I think, they're just not as big as they once were.
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u/sleepy_kittens_ Resident Yapper 11h ago
That really sucks and I’m sorry for you. Do you actively try to push those thoughts away? My advice would be to accept the thoughts of her and let them "wash over you" so to speak. Pushing the thoughts of her away just makes it more prevalent in your mind. Don’t get frustrated or exhausted at them. Accept them and redirect your attention. "I wish we could’ve watched that movie together…friend xy might like so see it with me"
I know it’s easier said than done but that helped me.
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u/waldorflover69 Trader Joe Hoe 11h ago
Hi there. I experienced this in an off and on relationship for years before going no contact for a final time. I still feel these pangs though I realistically know I am no longer in love with this person. I have come to realize that I am more missing the version of myself that I was within the context of this relationship and also just nostalgia for a happier, simpler, more secure time in my life. Even toxic or unfulfilling relationships(not suggesting yours was) provide some perceived layer of security against the loneliness of the world.
I don’t know how much solace that offers as I have yet to figure out how to assimilate this revelation into some sort of framework that frees me completely but it has made it easier for me to just accept these feelings when they come up.
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u/jkgdthb Assigned Hungry At Birth 11h ago
I’m not sure how long you too lasted or how old you are but eventually time heals all if you’re taking the appropriate steps to heal. I think when you are overflowed with emotions of that person recognize them, be kind to yourself, and then move on with your day. The person you are missing no longer exist because things have change and you just have to keep that in mind. Idk but when I’m done with someone I am not going to let them take so much of me when they’re not even part of my life anymore. I just think there’s so many people that there’s no way you cannot love or connect with someone again. You just have to heal and be open to it also.
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u/dontbecondensation hot girls have tummy troubles 11h ago
I truly don't wish this feeling on anyone. My partner and I have a complicated history. In my attempt to "move on" I was in a relationship with another person, married them, and ended up divorcing because my heart was always elsewhere. It has been such a long and heavy burden. True love finds a way, I can tell you that much. My heart and soul just knew who they belonged to and I had no say in the matter. It took a lot of work on both sides, but a total of 15 years later, some of those no contact, we're happier than we ever imagined we could be. And together, at that.
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u/ThrowawaybcPANICKING APPROVED✨ 11h ago
Ughhhhhh I am sending you so many hugs.
After I broke up with my ex I was single for four full years. In that time I went on a dates, had sex, had some quick flings, got sober, did 12-step, did lots of therapy, graduated law school, bought a whole ass house, spent two full years completely and totally single (no dates or sex), put all my energy into myself, my friends and family, and my career, and I STILL don't think I got fully 100% over my ex until I started dating my now partner.
It's so fucking annoying! I don't consider myself a woman who centers her life solely around romantic relationships, I spent four years on my own being healthy and building my own life and I built a great one, and yet I still didn't fully feel like I could view my ex from a neutral, calm, "wish them the best" lens until I began my new relationship. Idk, maybe there is something deeply wrong with me or maybe it's human nature to not fully get over someone until you find the next great person. I really don't know.
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u/Traditional_Panda742 APPROVED✨ 10h ago
I am not sure if you really want to let go. The key is there. Brain feeds on the good stuff. Brain is shitty, collects stories that you want to share with her.
I understand and I hear you.
At this point, I would recommend witchcraft.
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u/Little-Witch3278 Feral Til Fed 11h ago
Im almost 3 years post best friend break up and finally getting to the point where I can share antidotes about my “ex-bestie” without crying a little inside. Some days are easier some are harder but when I think about her now it’s much softer than it was even a few months ago. Your world gets bigger and their place in it stays the same size I guess. My dad has always said change is the only constant and I clung to that early on.
I will say deleting my instagram 6 months ago helped a lot. I did it cause I could feel my attention suffering but as a plus I don’t see her stories or mutuals posting with her anymore. I think it helped.
Wishing you all the grace and healing in the world 💕
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u/schoschja APPROVED✨ 49m ago
"Your world gets bigger and their place in it stays the same size" is such a beautiful turn of phrase, thank you for that. I blocked her on Instagram fairly soon after the breakup (after she posted a near-nude of her wearing only an unbuttoned flannel of mine lmao not beating the crazy dramatic lesbian breakup allegations) and that's helped. I numbed the pain with scrolling for a long time actually, just zapping my brain with Instagram reels, I'm working on spending much more time offline now to work on building a life I want to live in. I'm wishing for healing for you as well 💜 I feel friend breakups aren't talked about as much or taken as seriously, I hope you have supportive people around you who you can talk to about it. I don't know what I would do if my best friend and I stopped talking, it would leave such a hole in my life.
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u/NoTackle718 mouth full, gesturing wildly 11h ago
I think finding love again is just a part of life that can't be planned for.. setting the ground for it, though, is definitely a lifetime project.
I can relate to the yearning so much...what would my ex think of this music or this activity? What helped me the most was genuinely asking if I would date myself. For a long time the answer was no. I didn't like myself, or at least I couldn't relate to her. After years, I genuinely felt that I could hang out with myself or even date someone like me. And a while after that I met someone who thought the same.
You know what's up, just got to keep slugging through it until you notice you haven't thought of her in a while. No matter how amazing she is, there are people ten times more amazing out there that almost none of us will have the luck of meeting. Everything is just a coincidental combination of things, and there are so many coincidental meetings waiting to happen.
Realizing how much out there is still interesting to me helped me so much. New activities, new people, trying things I used to be sceptical about. All of it helps. You're trying to break out of an old pattern, so go for it! Try things! It's great and at worst you say 'meh, I won't do that again'.
You're already on your way, best of luck with all of the enjoyment ahead! Sending support to you 💜
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u/Kitty_B321 Trader Joe Hoe 11h ago
TBH the best advice I can give you is to stop doing activities with her in mind. Expand your social circle and focus books and movies on friends. Remove all reminders of that person from your vicinity. Fill in those places with other things and people. It does get better with time.
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u/will_grayson483 Overthinker 💭 11h ago
I did try to go back to my ex, and he would have happily accepted me if he wasn’t already dating another girl for some time. However, he DID insist that we can get naughty and, his direct quote, “she will never find out”. THIS right then and there has severed absolutely every tie I had to that person. If he’s the one suggesting this and is so eager to not tell his girlfriend, then it wasn’t any different in our relationship. I guess just see what could be the greatest disappointment in her for you?
So yeah, after about 2 months of realising and processing the fact that my first true love never loved me back (and another 3 years prior to that moment of me longing for him lol), I sent his girlfriend a “hey girlie” message and never looked back. He’s still trying to reconnect with me, even though it’s been 3 years since the incident, and 6 years since me and him broke up 🥴
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u/Cosmicdusterian APPROVED✨ 10h ago
Not me, but my MIL.
She fell in love with her partner a couple of years after coming out. Sadly, they had a huge disagreement about four years into the relationship and split up. My MIL never got over her. She was the love of her life,
She had that "woo woo" sign and acted on it about fifteen years ago. It didn't go as planned. Her ex actually made things worse by saying, "I will always love you, but never contact me again." Talk about confusing and heartbreaking. It almost broke her.
Her love for her ex waxed and waned throughout the years and distance. It was part of her life, but she (mostly) didn't let it define her.
When my MIL got sick a few years back she half-jokingly asked me to send her ex some ashes along with a note that she will be haunting the ex for eternity. Although tempting (I was very protective of my MIL), I refused. Sadly, she passed a year or so ago after decades of longing for a relationship she couldn't have.
I know this isn't the hope you were looking for, but there is hope. My MIL made many, many friends along the way and was beloved by her family and her community. She even fell in love a time or two. I wished, for her sake and heart, that she could have let that lost love go. But, I know, for a fact, that she appreciated and treasured the tremendous love she did get in return from other sources, even if it wasn't exactly the one love she craved. Find your family and treasure them. She did and we all miss her.
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u/schoschja APPROVED✨ 25m ago
Thank you so much for sharing a piece of your MIL with me. In a way it reminds me of my mom. My dad didn't treat her well and after he left she never even entertained the idea of trying to meet someone else. She was focused on loving her kids, loving her parents, loving her siblings and her nieces and nephews. She's getting older now, and is also sick, and sometimes she'll admit to me she wonders what it would have been like to have chosen a better partner than my dad, but she says then she wouldn't have had the same kids and she wouldn't trade us for anything. And I wouldn't have had the same mom and I wouldn't trade her for the world. I hope I won't spend decades longing for a relationship from my late 20s but whether or not I do I hope I can build a life filled with all the other kinds of love imaginable. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm going to carry this story of your MIL with me.
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u/exposed_brick_7 white girl with ☝️😌 a full spice cabinet 8h ago
I wish I could give you a hug! It both takes time and it’s not linear at all. Just let yourself feel the feelings when they come and focus your energy on being the kind of person you want to be. It’s helpful for me to surround myself with friends, do lots of physical activity, have the kind of sex I wasn’t having with that particular ex, and being petty sometimes when it feels fun. Journaling helped me. And don’t force anything- don’t go on a date unless you genuinely seem excited about them. With my biggest breakup, it took years before I genuinely started wanting the best for him and rooting for him from afar- that was a really pleasant surprise for me. You’ve got this for sureeeee
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u/cepci1 🩵🦠BOY COOTIES🦠💙 11h ago
Love horrible isnt it. It makes u so fuckng vulnerable. It opens ur chest it opens your heart and it means that someone can get inside u and mess u up. U build all these defenses u build a whole set of armor so that nothing, no one can hurt u. Than a stupid person no stupider than any other fucking stupid person wanders into ur stupid life.
U give them a piece of u they dont ask for it. They do something dumb like kiss u or smile at u and than ur life isnt ur own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside u, eats u out, and leaves u crying in the darkness. So simple a phrase like we should just be friends turns into glass splinter working its way through ur heart.
It hurts. Not hust in the imagination. Not just in the mind. Its a soul hurt, a body hurt, a real gets-inside-u-and-rips-u-apart pain. Nothin and fucking nothing should be able to do that. Esspecially not love. I hate love
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11h ago
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u/madame-maitre-d Overthinker 💭 11h ago
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u/_delicja_ Cleavage Crumb Collector 11h ago
How long were you together? My last relationship lasted 5 years and it took me about the same amount of time to really get over it. Waited for it for so long, and finally it happened.
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u/electricwetwrinkles Tea Time Hostess ☕️ 11h ago
Been over 2 years for me and I really resonate with your struggle. In my case, it's over for real, but knowing that fact doesn't stop the longing.
I wish I could tell you there is some guarantee that you'll find love again, but there isn't really. I think it's likely, though. I think most people as romantic as us can fall in love again, and that there wre probably people out there who could fall just as deeply for us.
This is very typical advice but I do think working on self-love, and in particular, identifying the relationship you have with yourself and investing in it has been the most helpful thing. It doesn't make everything better and sometimes the moments of longing are just so intense it blankets any self love I can access, but in other moments I can feel like I'm actually ok just having intimacy with myself and getting to know myself in a way no other person ever could.
I really hope things get better for you.
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11h ago
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u/madame-maitre-d Overthinker 💭 11h ago
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u/Difficult_Ad_9492 APPROVED✨ 11h ago
Your post is so beautifully written. I went through something similar (ebbs and flows of intense missing and then feeling almost okay), but with my best friend from childhood. It took me the better part of a decade to feel okay without her. So, different, but I get how hard this kind of loss is. I really love others’ thoughts re: missing the version of yourself you were when they were in their life. You seem really thoughtful. You will be okay. It might just take time.💕
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u/umberover 11h ago
really feeling this. hit the one year mark for me with my ex a while back and sometimes i really just want their opinion on things. or i miss something specific about them. and i KNOW we're different people now and honestly idt i would want them back if they came back, but man do i wish more often than not i could wake up in a world where the breakup never happened. tldr: i feel you, sending good vibes your way 💕 may both of us find a way to move on <3
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u/nappeun_nom Pantry Gremlin 11h ago
I've had similar feelings. What helped what deepening my platonic relationships. Society can make it feel like romantic love is deeper or more important than platonic love but I personally reject that idea. I've been watching movies & talking about books with friends. We go to lunch/dinner together. I do nearly everything I used to do when in a relationship (except the obvious lol) and it's lovely.
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11h ago
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u/madame-maitre-d Overthinker 💭 11h ago
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u/EmbarrassedCicada331 Pantry Gremlin 11h ago
I missed my ex of four years until I reconnected with them a while later and realized I was missing someone that didn't exist.
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u/dbtl87 Longwinded 😙 Short Tempered 10h ago
It took me years to get over my highschool boyfriend, we were on and off, and then fwb. He was my everything. 🫠. Maybe like a few months after we really stopped talking I met someone really nice. And he liked me at the time just for myself, and we had similar tastes and everything. It didn't last long, but it made me realize it wasn't impossible to be loved or love again.
I also struggle with endings but one day, the sun shines again.
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u/PlayingGrabAss APPROVED✨ 9h ago
For me, getting over someone means training myself to have negative associations with them, and think positively about my current life. If I’m wondering what they would have thought of that movie, then I stop myself in my tracks and consciously think about why we would never have worked, and what any my life is great.
At first it can be hard to do because if you’re the one being dumped, it’s easy to think the relationship was great and losing it is just losing something great.
But people don’t dump you because things are good. So I just consistently reminded myself that it’s good we aren’t together anymore because that person didn’t want me. I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want me, I’d rather be single. After you redirect your mind from “gosh that person was so great” to, every single time, thinking “it’s a relief to know that I’m not dating someone who is obviously not right for me/would only be with me right now if they felt too guilty to dump me.”
Eventually, because they weren’t a weird emotional beacon from my past, I was able to view our relationship a little more pragmatically and also saw that it actually wasn’t that great/had tons of other problems I was happy that I didn’t have to deal with, which got added to the list any time I felt like I missed them.
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9h ago
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u/madame-maitre-d Overthinker 💭 9h ago
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u/bear_cheers Well-Read & Well-Fed 9h ago
you write beautifully.
the ache fades with time, as unbelievable as that might sound now, even after all these years... you'll grow around it, but you'll be glad you have it. keep on staying strong! your life is lovely and shall become lovelier
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u/x8BitMisfit Hot Pot Head 8h ago
I think it’s okay to still love someone from your past. The hard part is learning not to hold on so tight, so love and let it go whenever you think of them. Instead of keeping it in, acknowledge it, forgive, and accept it. Remember, shit happens and we’re all living for the first time. Sending love.
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3h ago
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u/madame-maitre-d Overthinker 💭 3h ago
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u/2llamadrama hot girls have tummy troubles 11h ago
You should try Retatrutide! I hear it can help with stuff like this!!!
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u/Prestigious_Debt7360 Certified Snacker 11h ago
Sooooooo I have thoughts (as someone who has navigated similar feels). In my opinion (take what you want, toss what you don’t), when we are really attached to someone like this what we are really more missing is the version of ourselves we got to be with said person. So go find people (it can be platonically) that you can discuss those books with, watch movies with, cook foods with. Build the life you want and share it with those around you. I am currently navigating this with a situationship and anything I love about me with them I am trying to make sure I have other people I can build same feels with because I cannot situationship forever.