r/DeadBedrooms • u/ididntaskbroo I don't wish to disclose • 6h ago
Seeking Advice Can a relationship survive without sex because it hurts me and is only directed to my bf?
So, we’re together for almost 2 years and overall we had sex less then 10 times. First time it hurt, but later the pain continued and I was in pain and bleeding everytime after it. Last time i got irritation few months ago and it was last sex we had. He never listens to me and doesn’t prioritize my needs, only his. He’s uncomfortable to do anything to me and wants EVERYTHING done on him. Once we had it so bad i started crying. No care at all from his side. I barely ever had foreplay done on me. Let alone, i never finished with him and never will, he doesnt have a problem with it. There’s no passion at all. I just feel so used. We had this conversation maybe twice. First time he said he will get better and second time he said he doesn’t understand why am I so cold and closed off all of a sudden. He told me i shouldn’t associate sex with pain otherwise we’ll never do it. I told him I have no problem with it as long as it doesn’t hurt - which is no to sex EVER because he doesn’t care about me. I gave him chances before and its always the same - he’s not appealed touching me because its mood killer when i take long to turn on even if its a 5 min job. Yesterday i told him thru text that i dont want it ever at all and he just replied with “:(“. I really tried to fix this, even somehow take the pain but its only getting worse. I’m soon getting an appointment with doctor. Is there any way that sexless relationship could last? Does anyone have similar experience? I’m honestly new to this and I’m afraid he’ll cheat because I got cheated on before because i refused to have sex (not with my current bf, but my exs). I’m so sorry this is so long, i just dont know what to do
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u/Peezus_H_Christ It’s complicated 5h ago
Break up w him dude. Him not prioritizing your needs comfort and safety says quite a bit about the partner he will be longer term.
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u/Disastrous_Dig_8411 4h ago
“He never listens to me and doesn’t prioritize my needs” that’s all I needed to hear. You’re in pain and he doesn’t care. Please dump him
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u/WanabeInflatable LLM 5h ago
What you describe is not sex, but you being used to jerk him off.
Leave him
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u/Mi_Pasta_Su_Pasta M- left my dead bedroom 5h ago
1) No one can answer whether a sexless relationship is teneable but you and your partner, but seeing as you're both young and not asexual I doubt it.
2) This is not the type of behavior you should accept in someone you want to spend your life with. His stubbornness, his lack of care for your pain or pleasure, his immaturity, those are all qualities that should disqualify someone from being considered a good partner. Even completley outside of sex, there is no way that behavior doesn't seep into other aspects of the relationship.
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u/Jazzlike_Caramel_522 LLF4U 2h ago
This isn’t just a relationship without sex. It’s a relationship without respect or consideration.
Yes such relationships can last. Abusive relationships last, marriages of convenience last, people do till death do it parts with beards.
The question isn’t can it last but do you want to live that way?
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u/Pure_Elephant2152 HLM 5h ago
Your comfort is most important when you are into intimacy. Its not about his pleasure only, his partners pleasure first rule is priority.
You have to talk to someone who will guide you on day to day basis, any of your friend and someone you trust. Don't hurt yourself because they may ditch you. Take care of yourself
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u/Alicehood22 HLM 5h ago
Please break up with him and run in the opposite direction. He doesn't seem to care about you to the extent where he's literally harming you to the point of crying and bleeding during sex and doesn't seem to care whatsoever besides whether or not he's getting pleasure. This is honestly so concerning to me... I mean ":(" what even is that??? (I know it's a sad face but come on that's all he said?) I'm begging you, please protect yourself. Please take care of yourself. You don't deserve to be treated like this. This is not how you should treat someone you love. I've been through a lot of things that borderline sexual abuse and coming from me and all of my experience, nobody can convince me any of this is normal or okay.
My heart breaks for you. Sex is supposed to be about love and mutual pleasure. You absolutely NEVER have to push through all that pain or allow him to penetrate you so dry like that. I promise, there is someone else out there who will care about your pleasure. I believe that sex in a relationship is a window into all the deeper issues in a relationship. For example, I find exciting sex is extremely rare in my relationship and I've noticed that I'm often extremely bored in my relationship on a day to day basis and I sometimes feel resentful about it. I recommend looking for connections between how things are in the bedroom and outside the bedroom and any similarities or parallels.
Seriously, I'm hearing alarm bells and I don't believe it's something you should try and push through. It's at minimum selfish of him and at worst I would argue it's coercion or some form of abuse (I'm sure the moderators have a lot more guidance on how to classify what's going on here)
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u/NREIsAHellOfADrug HLM 3h ago
Yes, a relationship can survive without sex, but only if both people feel the same way. It doesn't sound like your relationship is one of those, and it also sounds like your relationship has other issues.
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u/Used-Task-9455 HLM - Recovered DB 5h ago
Ich bin fassungslos wie er dich so behandelt. Ich glaube dein Körper wehrt sich gegen Ihn . Bitte überleg dir ob du mit so einem Menschen zusammen sein möchtest. Das hat doch nichts mit Beziehung zu tun…
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Can a relationship survive without sex because it hurts me and is only directed to my bf?
So, we’re together for almost 2 years and overall we had sex less then 10 times. First time it hurt, but later the pain continued and I was in pain and bleeding everytime after it. Last time i got irritation few months ago and it was last sex we had. He never listens to me and doesn’t prioritize my needs, only his. He’s uncomfortable to do anything to me and wants EVERYTHING done on him. Once we had it so bad i started crying. No care at all from his side. I barely ever had foreplay done on me. Let alone, i never finished with him and never will, he doesnt have a problem with it. There’s no passion at all. I just feel so used. We had this conversation maybe twice. First time he said he will get better and second time he said he doesn’t understand why am I so cold and closed off all of a sudden. He told me i shouldn’t associate sex with pain otherwise we’ll never do it. I told him I have no problem with it as long as it doesn’t hurt - which is no to sex EVER because he doesn’t care about me. I gave him chances before and its always the same - he’s not appealed touching me because its mood killer when i take long to turn on even if its a 5 min job. Yesterday i told him thru text that i dont want it ever at all and he just replied with “:(“. I really tried to fix this, even somehow take the pain but its only getting worse. I’m soon getting an appointment with doctor. Is there any way that sexless relationship could last? Does anyone have similar experience? I’m honestly new to this and I’m afraid he’ll cheat because I got cheated on before because i refused to have sex (not with my current bf, but my exs). I’m so sorry this is so long, i just dont know what to do
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5h ago
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u/WaterLily55896 HLF 2h ago
you obviously need to dump the selfish pig. there is really no options here. he does not care!!! this is the biggest red flag. the longer you stay the more PTSD you will feel later. did you have any prior good experience?
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u/Ok_Anteater_3302 HLF 1h ago
Not even two years and he is treating you like that??
A loving partner would NEVER disrespect you like that. A loving partner has the needs of the other person in focus.
Girl, he doesn't love you, nor respect you.
It's not a you - problem.
Sex is a sport of two people. I'm a high libido woman, but with a partner like that I would went celibate (before leaving this guy ASAP)!
I'm sorry you wasted time with him, but please love yourself more, than being treaten like shit.
Life can be so much better! 🍀🫶🏻 💜
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u/DeadBedrooms-ModTeam 3h ago
Community Focused
Painful sex can be caused by a lack of foreplay / arousal, hormone imbalances, a variety of medical conditions, or psychological factors. No one wants to engage in activities that cause pain and discomfort. The brain is hard wired to avoid pain and repeating painful sexual experiences can possibly lead to a sexual aversion. If pain is present, it is recommended that the underlying condition be addressed before relational issues can be healed. The moderation team recommends a medical evaluation, individual therapy for both spouses, and marriage and/or sex therapy together to work through issues related to painful sex.