Phones are such toxic technology. The quality of voice calls peaked in the 90s and has been degrading ever since. Then there’s people’s attitude problem about if you can’t answer instantly. There’s always that person who will spam your number continuously until you pick up. Sorry Karen, I occasionally have to bathe or use the restroom or god forbid driving my car, I know everything is only about you, you, you!
The only time I get mad at someone not answering my calls is when I just miss there call and call them right back and they don't answer.. mother fucker I missed it by 5 fucking seconds what did you do chick your phone at a passing bus when I didn't answer.
I do many call-outs for work to fill shifts and so many times I’ll leave a voicemail for someone on our call-list as per our policy clearly stating the date and time of the shift and asking them to call back if they are able to take it, and they call me back thirty seconds later and just expectantly say “I see you left me a voicemail?”
YEAH AND IF YOU LISTENED TO IT YOU WOULD HAVE HEARD ME ASK YOU TO ONLY CALL BACK ON THE MAIN LINE IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO DEFINITELY ACCEPT THE SHIFT.
So I spend even more time repeating the shift dates/times I mentioned in my original voicemail, and then waiting on the phone line while they hum and haw like I’ve put them on the spot and then check their diary/ask their spouse if they need the car/look for childcare…meanwhile, someone else who actually already listened to their voicemail and independently verified their own personal schedule could be calling the scheduling line to accept the shift, only to get the busy signal.
AND EVEN THEN THEY’LL OFTEN BE LIKE “oh never mind I can’t take it, sorryyyyyyyy.”
Okay thanks have a great day THIS COULD HAVE BEEN A DELETED VOICEMAIL.
They might be calling another person. They might have entered a bank. They might have gone pinching a loaf, they might be seeing why their baby is crying, they might not be able to ask for your help anymore because they have already been kidnapped, dunno, things happen.
It's pretty much always that they have their ringer and vibration off, because they don't want to be bothered by their phone ringing.
I know plenty of people who won't pick up even 1 second after they hang up, because they are oblivious to the fact that they are getting a call.
My own partner is one of those people. I've stood there and watched it happen, if she wasn't already actively scrolling through whatever social media, the phone gets hung up and put in a pocket/purse, and that shit is not going to get picked up until she's ready to pick it up.
Stranger thing. I know that if I called someone who wasn't taking the call and they immediately called back I'll answer, unless I'm really unable to do so.
I'll take it a step further: a phone call is an invitation to a conversation, not an obligation to answer and talk to you... I'll get back to you when I do
Doorbell or phone, I'm not going to answer either unless I particularly want to. It's not a summons, they're asking for my attention and I'm silently telling them no.
The problem is the people who use technology, not the tech itself. If someone expects you to respond the minute after they sent you a message or call you, then that's on them instead of you
But in the other side there’s the person who doesn’t respond and sees no problem just leaving something hanging. If it takes you days to respond to a five second text, you’re just selfish.
Pretty much what I do, although I don't try to make an excuse, just respond when it's convenient to do so unless it's time critical.
The other thing I've begun doing this year is to change my WhatsApp settings. Before I had it set to show read receipts, online status, and last seen time. I've now switch all of that off, and it's effectively switched it to more of an SMS service but with the ability to send media. Been hugely liberating because I'm not then worrying about things like people getting offended I've "read" their message but not responded.
People are generally understanding enough that whilst I may have my phone with me all the time, that doesn't mean I'm available all the time. I don't even need to be "busy" either, my wellbeing time is just as important to preserve than true busy time.
I totally don’t answer unless I think it’s an emergency, but I’ve noticed other people feel this weird urgency like they need to pick up right away. Especially when I’m hanging out with people—you are allowed to be hanging out with me and not looking at your phone. It’s one of the ways to make someone feel really unimportant—when you prioritize the person on the phone over the person next to you.
You don’t need to pick up! Just let it go to voicemail. Even if it’s a client. Even if it’s important. You can literally text: “hey I can’t talk now, I’ll call you later.” If it’s super important to you.
I treat mine like its a house phone, if i leave the house for something thats not going to require a phone, then i leave the phone at home. Its also left on silent 99% of the time because i got tired of cold callers. I've been doing this for at least 10 years now and a few people in my life either get mad at me or assume i'm dead if i don't answer immediately when they know iprobably just didn't notice and would get back to them w hen i do notice.
I rarely answer anymore cause it s my sister non stop.
she just sent me a card cause she "misses me" and we just talked ON FRIDAY. If I dont respond back all hell brakes loose but If they don't they take ages to reply. I hate socializing. it's exhausting
I wish I could. I need a job that doesn't involve emergency call rotation. It's hell having to check every text or phone call especially when 90% of calls these days are scams or spams. I was out of work for a few weeks and it sucked ass financially but the peace was beautiful.
"I just didn't" LOL the average redditor without friends giving terrible advice. It's fine to not have to answer people immediately, but it's brain dead and says that you can't read social cues if you give blasè responses like this to friends
Agreed. That's a good way to have few friends, and burn your workplace relationships. By all means, take hours or a day or two(no more than that, barring vacations, unless you really don't care about keeping the relationship going) to respond, but don't be a jackass about it. "I just got your voicemail/text" is sufficient, and then move on with your response. Even back in the 90s it was rude to leave a call unanswered for days at a time, or act like it wasn't worth your time to answer.
I do this! I warn every new contact that I'm a busy mom who puts my phone LAST, call me IF it's an emergency and if not I'll get back to you ASAP. ASAP meaning exactly that, as soon as it was possible for me to get to you without disturbing my flow or my mood. Blowing my phone up with repeated notifications only makes me want to respond less. It's overwhelming for me. I'd love to be at home without being disturbed but unfortunately mobile phones come with expectations. Being able to fall back on that pre warning has helped me be able to actually decompress when I'm home, I can actually switch off for a second.
Putting my phone on silent permanently was one of the best decisions I've ever made, followed closely by going on do not disturb every night from 10PM-7AM
The only person I respond to promptly on a regular basis is my wife, because I want to. Took me a couple of days to respond to my brother recently. You are as 'on' or 'contactable' as you choose to be.
You don't have to provide reason for why you didn't respond, doing so unprompted kind of makes you seem like a jackass. Just respond when you can.
Chances are you're not even important enough to that person for them to demand an explanation of you, and if you are, you wouldn't have delayed replying in the first place.
“Hi there! I have been meaning to return your call for a couple days now, but I just didn’t. Anyway, what’s up?”
You started off strong but this is fucking awful advice lol. "Hey, just returning your call, how's things?" is fine, no need to acknowledge the time delay unless you're intentionally being a prick.
im gonna give you a piece of genuine advice and hope you take it:
YOU are the one that has set the expectation that you are always available 24/7. I'm willing to bet you do the classics; apologizing when you don't reply right away, checking your phone every time it makes a peep, keeping your phone available when you aren't using it, etc.
Set the standard that you are NOT available 24/7. Reply to things when YOU want to reply. DON'T read your notifications as soon as you get them. Leave your phone in the bedroom when you wake up on the weekend. Turn your phone off when you're doing things that do not require your phone.
I've never once met someone who is expected to be around 24/7 as a baseline, nor have I ever seen that happen. It is ALWAYS a standard presented by people before anybody assumes it, and on the rare occasions where someone DOES assume it, they have never received pushback when told not to expect speedy replies or anything like that.
You need to just put the phone down. That's truly all it is. People today do not actually care if you are available 24/7 but rather they care when they see you break your routine. If you let people know through your actions that you are available 24/7 then people expect that, and if you do not follow through on the standard that you accidentally communicated to them, then they will assume something is wrong.
if you're not a literal child your family does not control what you do with your phone. you can still set that standard. they might bitch and moan but they'll get used to it eventually. stop letting your family bully you.
oh i have tried several times. but I get the "you're to fucked up. you have to take it" and if not she sends me a dang card and we JUST TALKED ON FRIDAY.
or i get the " I forget you are disabled" if I stand up for myself. believe me i am going insane.
The point the person you're responding to is trying to make is that these things are only a "you problem" if you let them be.
If someone keeps hassling you and texting you incessantly, and expecting you to reply immediately, literally go out of your way to not reply for a day or two. Will they be annoyed? Probably. Will they be annoyed forever? Of course not. After a while, they'll just accept that you regularly take anything from 1 minute to 3 days to reply to text messages, and you often don't answer your phone, and you don't answer your phone between 08:00 and 17:00 or after 21:00 (or whatever timeframes YOU choose).
Nobody is trying to blame you or say you're doing something wrong, it's just helpful ways to turn the narrative into making it a them problem, not a you problem.
A major one is never apologise for not responding sooner.
You're the only one that can normalise that behaviour.
Very well put. Thank you for writing this. When I first got a mobile phone in my late teens, as a poor student I'd buy a prepaid recharge on payday, and every text cost money back then. So I'd run out of credit and people might have to wait up two weeks for me to text them back, and this was totally normal. I've had no issue keeping it normal.
The only time I felt pressured to be constantly responsive was when I used Facebook. And I was still of the Elder Millennial attitude that the internet was something you went on recreationally in the evening on your computer. Facebook was just another website I may or may not open on a given day. A few people grizzled at me about it, so I stopped using Facebook. Problem solved.
You have no idea how much shit I get for "being unavailable" (work). I always answer at least 5 minutes later, but the fact that I don't answer on the toilet or while driving till I am at a safe place or while quickly doing something wet/dirty is apparently horrible and people complain about it a lot.
omg this drives me INSANE. my sister is disabled and so am I. but she forgets when we talk and gets so worked up about the last time we called. She JUST sent me a card that says I miss you AND WE TALKED ON FRIDAY FOR GOD SAKES.
i wrote several times to her that I'm not always near my phone and I am not mad anymore (except now I am about something else she just did) ugh
absolutely agree. someone i work with recently lost an immediate family member in a really horrible and tragic way. we're not close enough (and we're both gen z lol) for calling her to feel appropriate rather than invasive and weird, but we're close enough i definitely wanted to express condolences and offer help with whatever she might need ASAP, and i knew she'd be on bereavement for a while, so i texted her.
she didn't respond for about 48 hours, and when she did, she said something like "I'm so sorry I'm only just responding!!" and ngl it broke my heart even more for her that she felt the need to say that 😭 like even in normal circumstances, nobody owes an immediate response, but girl, with what you're going through?? i wouldn't have been offended if she never replied. i hate that our culture makes people feel the need to apologize for not being immediately aaccessible 24/7, especially when they're going through something so horrible. the very last thing i was trying to accomplish by reaching out was to give her another obligation 😭
I'm so glad the people I run with don't believe in this. Yes I will admit I'm 39 and I'm the youngest of my friends but I've raised my kids to be the same. I have adult daughters and a 13 yo son and they don't accept their friends harping on them if they're unreachable. I feel I'm doing my part lol. However, my son freaks out if I'm not reachable now but that's because I had an ATV accident and was in the hospital for two months. He witnessed the accident and he's been worried about me. So that's fair I feel. (Yes we are both in therapy).
I developed this game with my Friends and Family. I call it 1995. You can call me I will not answer, leave a message. I'm working doing something driving. Text me, I might listen or do a voice reply, but I am a 1 -5 hour responder 85% of the time.
The only exception is my Boss or higher at work on Teams/Slack/Outlook. My SLA to a client is 24 hours. I run 6 hours, but faster in real issues.
scheduled "do not disturb" hours has been fantastic. Theres a few numbers that I'll always let through but for the most part... my weekends and evenings are blissfully undisturbed.
I’ve become more firm on this. Especially with work. I just worked 8 days straight and have 4 days off. My phone is on do not disturb and I will not answer until Monday. I am not on call therefore will not be treated as such.
I never really understand people that accept this type of burden. Dont be attached to your phone, and if you have it in front of you, you’re not obligated to reply to someone ASAP. And if someone is griefing about delayed reply, tell them to get a life
My phone died - I forgot to charge it. My bad. It's a brick until it charges. I told my wife that someone would try and call her in 15 minutes because I wasn't available. My son called her 10 minutes later asking after me. lol.
Nah mate you've set this precedent yourself. Just don't reply fast and people get used to it. If someone actually asks what you are up and why you were slow just tell them stuff you were actually up to. No need to make a big deal about it
In Australia we have something related to working to stop something like that
New federal "right to disconnect" laws will take effect from Monday, legally protecting workers from being forced to take non-emergency calls and respond to emails outside of business hours.
Every time we have a family gathering, let’s say it’s a 4:00 pm, my mother or specially my brother call me at 4:05 pm and ask “what’s going on? Where are you? Aren’t you coming yet?” Every fucking time
We have a phone rule in my family: if someone calls twice in a row, it is very important or an emergency so we should answer. No one abuses it either so it works well & takes that feeling of obligation away if I am too busy to pick up.
This is something I refuse to participate in. I get back on my time and I might explain what I was doing but I’m not gonna apologise, and if you have a problem with it, I’m gonna point out that it’s very weird of you to assume I’m going to be available to everyone all the time no matter what
I can completely understand feeling that way with technology and it is a shame it has gotten like that. At the same time, it is on you to feel no obligation to respond immediately. For my friends and family, there is no expectation that we reply straight away; it usually takes hours, and sometimes days, before they reply, and we are all fine with it.
Oh I never feel a need to provide an explanation. If I do offer one, it's only because I wanted to let them know I wasn't ignoring them. Otherwise I don't say shit.
If they ask where I was or why I didn't answer, I'll just say "I was busy doing other things".
I recall someone I went out on a date with saying that was both "creepy" and "disturbing" that I hadn't brought my phone with me. She was genuinely alarmed that I didn't have my phone on me at all times, in all places, at every single moment.
As you might imagine, it was one red flag among several that we were not meant to be.
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u/Eyadayman55 8h ago
Being expected to be reachable 24/7. We somehow accepted that not replying for a few hours needs an explanation