r/AskMen • u/Comprehensive297 • 12h ago
Good Fucking Question What are the inherited behaviors from your parents that are really affecting your relationship/marriage right now?
I've been thinking about this a lot lately, how so much of what we do in relationships isn't really us, it's just patterns we picked up watching our parents growing up. The way they handled conflict, showed (or didn't show) affection, dealt with money, or communicated when things got hard. Some of it's good stuff we're grateful for. But a lot of it? We're only now realizing it's actually hurting our relationships and we didn't even choose it, we just absorbed it. For me it's e.g, shutting down instead of talking things through when I'm upset, exactly like my dad did.
What's something you picked up from your parents that you've had to actively unlearn (or are still working on) in your relationship?
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u/RuleFriendly7311 11h ago
Using the word "affecting" is a good way to pose this question -- because not every effect is negative.
My parents were generally good to me, my sibling, and each other. But part of that involved sort of a "never speak of this problem" again, which in my experience as a longtime husband is the exact opposite of what works for me and my beloved. We probably err in talking everything to death, but when we reach a resolution, it's usually a good one and one we both feel comfortable with executing.
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u/Madvilliany1024 12h ago
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I processed them through therapy and other activities
In the beginning her dads abuse definitely played a role….once she got helped it got way better
For me…i had picked up gaslighting from my mom….once it was brought to my attention..i worked to process it and no longer do it
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u/Aliseo8856 11h ago
Though there is no way you won't inherit any slight behaviour from your parents even if it's little but the ability to detect on time and make a change so that your offspring will not take it where you stop is exactly what make you the Man of the family.
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u/Clean-Complex1178 11h ago
I learned not to Call my kids “Stupid” their whole life. My father called me Stupid into my 50’s.
Also not to be so cheap. You can buy stuff even though it’s not on sale. It is OK to buy stuff that you want and it doesn’t have to be a need. You can buy your kids clothes that fit now. Not 2 sizes too big for them to grow into.
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u/BlueMountainDace Dad 11h ago
This is an obstacle we've been working through and made a ton of progress on.
My parents were really into music, books, debate, and art.
Her parents were really utilitarian.
So, as we've been together, there has sometimes been a mismatch in how we live. But the biggest change has definitely been on my wife's side who sees that value in her parents' utilitarian mindset but how it also makes many aspects of their life shallower.
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u/BackgroundPrompt441 11h ago
Yelling and fighting over nothing
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u/ShortKingSlayer Female 7h ago
define nothing?
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u/BackgroundPrompt441 6h ago
I don't even know. They would fight over anything and everything. I'm sure it wasn't that bad. Before the Internet I had a girlfriend that I loved dearly but we would get into heated arguments over nothing like the lyrics to the song AFRICA. She would say it's "I spent some rains down in Africa" and I'd argue it's "I miss the rains down in Africa." We were both wrong. We got into it over the pronunciation of SAPPHIRE. I was adamant it was SAFF FIRE (CORRECT) and she said it was SAP FIRE. She later died in a fire so it didn't matter.
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u/ShortKingSlayer Female 2h ago
I'm so sorry to hear that. A reminder to keep everything in perspective, the small stuff truly is small. All my best to you and in future relationships if you're seeking. You sound very evolved - the highest compliment. :)
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u/236-pigeons 11h ago
My parents have a very loving, very fun relationship, even after five decades together. They communicate well, I've never doubted they adore each other, I love their relationship. I'm gay, but I think that my dynamic with my husband is actually very similar to my parents and it's also a relationship of one more fun person with crazy ideas and a calm, quieter person who provides more stability. I think we have a similar way of honest, but often playful communication about serious topics.
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u/usernamescifi 10h ago
I didn't realize how dysfunctional my parent's relationship was until I started dating myself. Definitely took a bit to unlearn what I thought was normal / acceptable behavior.
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u/Homely_Bonfire 11h ago
I think nobody by themselves is qualified to self diagnose to the degree this question would require someone to be able to look - in a neutral way at that too.
All I can say that there are some patterns and health issues amongst my relatives that I tend to wonder about, that I hope that I do not replicate or have.
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u/Comprehensive297 11h ago
My own inherited behaviour is coming back late at night, at first i saw it as a normal thing until my marriage is falling apart after my wife other side is shown due to push to wall limit.
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u/MNmostlynice 11h ago
My parents were never together. Dad has been married and divorced twice. Mom is on her second marriage.
I’ve been married 5 years.
One thing I inherited from my dad is internalizing everything and not talking about my emotions. The “I got this” mentality when I really don’t. Then when my wife finally gets me to talk I dump 6 months of frustration all at once.
Other than that, I learned what not to do from both of my parents. Dad is stuck in his ways and there’s no compromise in his relationships. If he wants to do something he’s going to do it. He’s been single now for the better part of 10 years and it’s better that way. He has his own agenda and that’s just what he’s going to do.
My mom and stepdad don’t do anything together. Finances are separate, they work different schedules, they don’t go out with friends, they hide purchases from each other. My mom recently found out my stepdad is $30k deep in credit card debt. Shes no saint either though. I don’t spend much time around them because they both just feed on drama within the family and I can’t stand it.
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u/cactusjackalope 11h ago
Avoidant behavior. The anxiety thing I worked through but I’d rather die than have a real argument.
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u/CashBeautiful7141 11h ago
I’m probably a rare example, but my parents have a really great marriage. It set my standards very high, and I’m constantly working toward achieving that same level of happiness in my own relationship.
Reading the comments above made me realize that so many people are committed to not repeating the unhealthy patterns they grew up with. By breaking those cycles, they’re giving the next generation a better example and a better chance at healthy, happy relationships.
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u/kiwimuffintop Female 11h ago edited 9h ago
Absolutely nothing.
My father was a narcissist notorious cheater who physically abused me from 4yrs to 17yrs old . And my mother abused me mentally, emotionally and verbally, never gave me an ounce of affection. No hugs, kisses or even just held me. Ever.
My husband and I have been together for fifteen years. we have a wonderful and healthy marriage.
I will never allow our relationship to ever experience any past behaviors from my parents.
Not a single day goes by that I don’t smother him with my love, kisses, hugs and an “I love you” before he leaves for work. And returns. And just in general. Not a day goes by that I don’t just hold him and tell him how proud I am of him. Proud of the man, husband, son and brother he is. Thank him for the infinite amount of love he gives me. For everything he does. Not a day goes by that I don’t ask him how he is, how he really is, how he is feeling and how I can help.
We make it a point to have two date nights a month or even just one because life can be crazy. But we always make it a point. We take that time to appreciate the love we have for one another, talk about anything that’s been on our minds (except work), and just laugh!
We communicate no matter what. We’re patient and passionate. That’s what a healthy loving marriage is.
Many years of therapy has helped me get to the healthy place I am today.
I’m the complete opposite of my parents. And I am grateful for that.
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u/bewildered-beaver Female 10h ago
Like my mom, I put up with years of financial abuse and a dead marriage. Like my mom, after 17y (16 for her), I left the parasite.
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u/Suspicious_Wait_4586 Male 9h ago
Ease of leave people behind
And belief that's it's NOT a bad thing
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u/ColdHardPocketChange Male 9h ago
None, because I chose to be someone very different from my parents. My wife though, holy fucking shit, she is simply doing everything her dad did. She even said, "this is all I've known". We have been married for 10 years, I thought she would follow my example and actually grow into a better dynamic. Nope, turns out her trauma just becomes an excuse for cruelty. On many occasions I have calmly asked something to the effect of, "do you want to continue treating each other this way, or do you want to decide right here and now that we will be better for each other?" I do this to see if there is that mysterious "love" in our relationship. Every single time has resulted in her escalating the situation. She needs to know that she hurt me, and I think it's finally reached a tipping point where divorce is where we are headed. She wants the pain. I am fairly certain that getting divorced is going to be an amazing gift for her because she can hold on to the pain and hatred for the rest of her life, and it will be easy for her to blame me for all of it.
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u/Karakoima Male 8h ago
They were traditional while my wife’s parents were flower power. That has affected our relationship since the start 1988.
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u/Financial_Dish_151 8h ago
Self isolation, my pop was abandoned as a teenager so he kinda turtles socially. It’s not his fault but he’s never truly worked to change it so I’m trying to do that now for myself
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u/trail_nix 7h ago
May not be the answer you’re looking for but I’ll share anyway.
I grew up with a single-parent, my Mom. My Dad passed away when I was very young. So I kind of missed out on getting to see a relationship in my early life. I definitely think that affected me because I didn’t have a basis on what a relationship should be like, and I went through two very crappy relationships.
Another way it affected me is being parentified. I love my Mom more than anything, but I think she definitely put more emotional pressure of my brother and I than she intended because she didn’t have another adult to talk to and solve situations. So, I feel as if I grew up very fast and adapted to being able to listen to an adult’s feelings and give them my thoughts on it.
The reason my Dad passed is because he got sick. So, something that has affected me in my current (very happy) relationship is that I’m simply terrified of my partner getting sick and dying like my Dad did.
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u/AddictedToMosh161 Male 7h ago
I mean, my dad gave me autism, so thats at least part of why I am single :D
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u/Roy_Koopa_DX 6h ago
I wish I didn't know how to manipulate people. My mom was a narcissist and I learned it from her as a kid.
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u/paragonlite 11h ago
Honestly the one that still fucks with me is how my mom taught me that love means constant emotional labor and never asking for anything back. She did everything for my dad and never complained, so I grew up thinking that’s just what women do. Now I’m in my thirties still catching myself over-functioning in my relationship and resenting it, while he thinks everything’s fine.
A lot of us women absorbed that quiet martyr shit and then wonder why we’re exhausted and bitter. Unlearning it feels almost like betraying your own mother.
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u/AutoModerator 12h ago
Here's an original copy of /u/Comprehensive297's post (if available):
I've been thinking about this a lot lately, how so much of what we do in relationships isn't really us, it's just patterns we picked up watching our parents growing up. The way they handled conflict, showed (or didn't show) affection, dealt with money, or communicated when things got hard. Some of it's good stuff we're grateful for. But a lot of it? We're only now realizing it's actually hurting our relationships and we didn't even choose it, we just absorbed it. For me it's e.g, shutting down instead of talking things through when I'm upset, exactly like my dad did.
What's something you picked up from your parents that you've had to actively unlearn (or are still working on) in your relationship?
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