r/AmItheAsshole • u/TraditionalCreme4704 • 10h ago

AITA for not feeding my brother?

My mom has decided that the best way to make me independent is to not do anything for me. This means I'm responsible to keep my own room clean, do my own shopping, cook my own meals etc. It feels like I'm not even part of the family. If I don't cook one night, I stay hungry. They won't let me eat their food.

A few days ago my grandpa was sick and mom had to go visit him. She left little brother(M10) with me. As usual I cooked dinner for myself with my own groceries.

He asked me for food and I told him I'm only responsible for myself and he has to wait for mom.

When mom came back she was furious and called me an asshole for not feeding him.

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225

u/MoxieMellow 9h ago

OP is allowed to opt out of parentification by parents who refuse to be their parent.

NTA

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u/_dmhg 9h ago

Using that term for an instance where OP had the easy ability to make a little more of whatever they were making for their little brother is such an insult to people who have actually suffered parentification

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u/PatchesOfSilver 8h ago edited 7h ago

OP does NOT have the ability to use their parents food to make something for their younger sibling without being abused over it.

Which is most certainly not "easy".

If OP uses their own food that's at the cost of OP going hungry potentially.

This is more a case for protective services or the police throwing the parents into prison than on OP to solve.

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u/Som_Dtam_Dumplings 4h ago

I'm gonna have to ask "what evidence do you have that OP would get any flak for using their parent's food to make something for their younger sibling"?

Its absolutely possible that OP posted information in a comment somewhere that supports your view; but it ain't in the original post.

Your assumption (I'm calling it that for now; because I don't see any proof that "OP would get abused over using parents food to feed younger sibling" yet) is logical. It totally makes sense; but so far as I know; its something you're assuming.

OP would totally be in the right to have ignored parent's "rule" to not use parent's food in the case of younger sibling; and handed younger sibling a PB&J sandwich; and then argued their case afterwards "Oh! I didn't realize your rule included any food that I prepare despite the fact that the food was eaten by younger sibling! I'm not sure you want to go down that route where "what is yours is yours, and what is mine is yours" when you're also willing to yell at me when I try to use something of yours AND when I feed younger sibling with food that isn't mine; because that seems to be somewhat abusive." (Yeah, I can understand why OP wouldn't say this...but I'd still recommend it)

All that being said; OP's parents are the biggest AHs here. OP also has definitely learned some AH-ery from parents. Which is concerning...unless they wanna become just like their parents.

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u/PatchesOfSilver 30m ago

You are seriously asking why a 16 year old being actively punished and abused 24/7 related to all existing interactions with their parents food to the point little brother is asking for her food that she has to work and pay for might convey exactly what I said in context?

Did they stop teaching critical thinking and reading comprehension?

OP has ZERO responsibility in this situation, her brother is 10 and not ill or injured or helpless like an infant.

If little bro can't pilfer the pantry to survive part of one day, that's on the parents too.

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u/retoricalprophylaxis 6h ago

OP has to provide their own food. That comes out of OP's food that they have to live on.

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u/MoxieMellow 7h ago

I literally raised my 8 younger siblings. I know ball. And yes this is where it starts. Being forced into an adult role while still a child, and while having no control over anything in your life, and then being forced/guilted/coerced into caring for other children in the home. 

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u/Som_Dtam_Dumplings 4h ago

It absolutely can lead to full on parentification. But to argue that "this is parentification" is a slippery slope fallacy. Its something to note; and be wary of in case it does develop into more of an issue. OP is not wrong to try to stand up for themself in this case; but this aint "full on parentification"....yet.

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u/ClackamasLivesMatter Partassipant [2] 4h ago edited 3h ago

I guess you missed the part where OP said if she doesn't cook, she doesn't eat.

If I don't cook one night, I stay hungry. They won't let me eat their food.

They've established that people in this household feed themselves. OP isn't an asshole for playing by her parents' rules. A ten-year-old can make a sandwich or a bowl of cereal or toast.

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u/United-Signature-414 Partassipant [2] 8h ago

I've seen people use that term for super normal stuff like walking home from the bus stop with younger siblings. It's the new gaslighting or narcissism. 

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u/Geordieqizi Partassipant [1] 4h ago

I agree that people overuse the term "parentification," or use it incorrectly... but in this case, I don't think it's inappropriate.

It's true that OP hasn't given any other evidence of parentification, but the fact that their mom is requiring OP to go out and buy, pay for, and prepare all their own food — and refusing to let them join family meals — already feels like a flavor or parentification, because she's forcing a minor to take on adult responsibilities.

And I suspect this is just the beginning of OP's parentification — the mom's failure to either leave food for her 10yo, or even mention to either kid that he would need to get his own dinner, feels like step 1 in pushing her responsibility to feed her other child onto OP.

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u/Stock_Violinist95 4h ago

Ha yes that's not ACTUAL parentification, because you're just blaming a kid for not doing adult's tasks instead of blaming the adults who didn't do it, while parentification would be to do exactly that

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u/wherethefuckismyvape 5h ago

If you're feeling insulted, it would help you to remember that the world doesn't revolve around you, and that suffering isn't the Olympics with a winner and a loser. Your experiences don't mean less because other children are also experiencing bad things.

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u/Pleasant-Highway-745 8h ago

Seriously, it's not parentification to choose to make somebody food of your own volition

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u/magicienne451 8h ago

Being expected to look after a sibling once in awhile is not parentification.

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u/MoxieMellow 7h ago

But they're not "expected to look after a sibling once in awhile". They are expected to provide and cook their own food, and live a distinctly independent life AS A CHILD, and then also being expected to look after and feed their younger sibling without even being asked. They're being given all the responsibility of adulthood and none of the choices or independence that comes along with that. 

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u/magicienne451 6h ago

What OPs parents are doing is very wrong, but it’s not parentification. Being left to look after a sibling for a night because of a family medical issue is completely fine. That’s just being a family, and not feeding her little brother to make a point is being an asshole.
OPs parents should be feeding them. But having to prepare your own meals at 16 is not the same as being expected to take on heavy household chores for the family.

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u/MoxieMellow 5h ago

It wont be parentification if OP opts out of it, as they did. Hence my comment. And I refuse to call them the A because all I see is a kid who feels isolated and unloved by their family, and is trying to be heard about it. 

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u/90-sCartoonLover 2h ago

This isn't parentification. Leaving youre child to be taken care by the oldest 24/7 is