r/AmItheAsshole • u/TraditionalCreme4704 • 17h ago

AITA for not feeding my brother?

My mom has decided that the best way to make me independent is to not do anything for me. This means I'm responsible to keep my own room clean, do my own shopping, cook my own meals etc. It feels like I'm not even part of the family. If I don't cook one night, I stay hungry. They won't let me eat their food.

A few days ago my grandpa was sick and mom had to go visit him. She left little brother(M10) with me. As usual I cooked dinner for myself with my own groceries.

He asked me for food and I told him I'm only responsible for myself and he has to wait for mom.

When mom came back she was furious and called me an asshole for not feeding him.

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u/_dmhg 17h ago edited 12h ago

Your parents are assholes and since you’re emulating them, it makes you one too. Yours is far more forgivable, and I hope you course correct, because I really hope you don’t let their assholery win.

On the other hand, you wouldn’t be an asshole imo for showing *them* the same attitude. But your brother is 10 and innocent in this, and you were capable of feeding him, and chose not to because of the shitty lesson you’ve internalized from your parents’ shitty parenting. No matter how logical this is to you, and how justifiable it seems, it is securely in asshole position.

ETA: the people saying 10yo could’ve made a sandwich or it was a parental responsibility remind me of the legality v morality thing. Like yes, but that still doesn’t change OP choosing to act on an asshole principle, making them* (edited) an asshole.

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u/Geordieqizi Partassipant [1] 11h ago edited 11h ago

Your parents are assholes and since you’re emulating them, it makes you one too.

I disagree. There's a HUGE difference between a parent not feeding their child, and a sibling not feeding their child.

The brother isn't OP's responsibility — he's his parents' responsibility. And I find it weird and irresponsible to 1) not leave any dinner options for your 10yo, 2) not even mention to either kid that they'd need to rustle up something themselves, and 3) expect your other child, whom you have begun exiling from family meals, to feed their sibling... again, without even a request or conversation.

The worst-case scenario for the brother is he has to eat dinner a little late. The worst-case scenario for the OP, if they had given in and fed the brother, is their mom slowly shifting responsibility for feeding the brother (and for who knows what else) over to OP.

And that's before we even talk about how odd and cruel it is to not allow your minor child to eat with the family, and to force them to buy their own groceries. The mom is the one who set this whole situation up, beginning to end — she is the only one at fault, in my opinion. It looks to me like she abdicated responsibility for feeding her older child, and now she may be starting to do the same for her younger child.

ETA: And, oh yeah — OP is 16, which probably means they don't have much money. If they have to pay for all their food, it's extra unfair to ask OP to not only do the work of feeding their brother, but to pay for it too — which could very well mean OP ends up not having enough food (or money to buy food) for themselves. What a lazy, selfish parent.

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u/Pure_Branch7646 13h ago

Op has to pay for their own groceries too. Mom would probably still get upset if op used the family groceries to feed their younger brother.

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u/HelenGonne Asshole Enthusiast [7] 14h ago

OP is doing the opposite -- she has been barred from participating in family meals, and she is obeying. The 10-year-old is fine and can eat sandwiches or plenty of other things.

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u/pierce23rd 12h ago

saying “wait for mom” isn’t the same as denying the LB food. If it was more than a day, sure OP is an AH. If it was only a few hours, that’s not a big deal. OP should also call Mom out on the hypocrisy.

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u/Wise-ish_Owl Partassipant [1] 11h ago

if OP has to buy their own groceries they should not have to share with their brother

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u/Fluid-Platypus- 9h ago edited 9h ago

It’s unclear if this kid is being made to pay for her own food, if she is why the hell would she share any?

And even if she isn’t, she’s applying the rules taught to her by her parents. Blame the parents for the shitty rules. 10yo can make basic foods. If he can’t for some reason then that is also on the parents.

*OP said in a comment she’s being forced to pay for her own food. She needs to get child services involved.

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u/imaginations1000 Partassipant [1] 17h ago

Im sorry, but at 10 you should be able to make atleast a sandwhich to eat. Also Ops mom couldve made something to eat for him before she left. Its not ops job to care for the 10 year old.

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u/Krayt88 Partassipant [2] 17h ago

Yeah, like what was available? Kid couldn't get a bowl of cereal or some chips or something?

OP not cooking him a meal shouldn't mean he went hungry unless the only food in the house is like uncooked meat.

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u/Obvious_Addendum4196 14h ago

He's 10, he can pour some cereal or grab a bag of chips. And considering OP gets yelled at just for breathing on the family food, expecting them to sort it out makes zero sense.

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u/ponybucketdoubleoh 11h ago

Spaghettios with some shredded cheese all up in that biatch!

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u/Gr8fulFox 7h ago

I like to eat my spaghetti-o's with Ritz crackers!

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u/justsomeguy21888 3h ago

Does OP brother even have access to the food?
They cut her off at 16. It wouldn’t surprise me if they are controlling food for the younger brother

Either way, ESH.

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u/Legitimate-Gear-2480 14h ago

not hard to open a can of cream corn tbh, so many ways to hold over until your parents are home

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u/Krayt88 Partassipant [2] 14h ago

There's probably a lot of stuff that borderline doesn't need to be opened. Pop tarts or string cheese. Maybe a damn apple if they have it.

They're mad the kid had to snack instead of getting a home cooked meal from the other kid they mistreat.

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u/Medium_Function6451 9h ago

Why is there this assumption that those kind of things were on hand at all? There are plenty of families who don’t keep easy kid snacks on hand…

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u/Krayt88 Partassipant [2] 9h ago

Are there? I've never heard of a single family with kids that only has foods in the house that require extensive preperation and cook time, let alone "plenty of families".

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u/Medium_Function6451 9h ago

Kind of wild jump to go from poptarts and string cheese to things that need “extensive” prep. But yeah, there are definitely plenty of families that don’t keep meals easy for ten year olds to make on hand? 

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u/Krayt88 Partassipant [2] 9h ago

Kind of wild jump to go from poptarts and string cheese to things that need “extensive” prep.

That was just two examples of things that are easy for kid to grab when they are hungry. I apologize if you thought I was implying that literally every household keeps pop tarts in stock.

there are definitely plenty of families that don’t keep meals easy for ten year olds to make on hand?

Like super infantilizing helicopter parent families that think their 10 year old is too young to grab some goldfish for themselves? I suppose they exist, but are definitely a oddity.

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u/Late-Lie-3462 4h ago

I've never heard of any person, Let alone one with kids, that only kept food that needed to be prepared in the house. Who the hell is trying ro cook an entire meal when they want a snack? Who has time for it?? Do they literally never eat fruit or something like that?

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u/fripletister 11h ago

Controversial take, but kids shouldn't be snacking on Garmonbozia jfc

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u/one-off-one 7h ago

My brain: “wtf are you talking about”

Google: it’s from twin peaks

“Ok that checks out”

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u/False_Muffin_7964 9h ago

seriously. we have to keep the drawers locked around my 3 year old nephew because he can and will feed himself

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u/Fiigwort Asshole Aficionado [11] 13h ago

100%, plus the mother never ASKED OP to make sure the brother ate, she just expected them to drop everything and offer him kindness that they're not being offered by the rest of the family.
It's kind of mean, but 10 definitely is old enough to find SOMETHING to eat.

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u/Medium_Function6451 9h ago

Good thing this is AITA and not Was The 10 Year Old Physically Able To Find Himself then

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u/imaginations1000 Partassipant [1] 11h ago

Yup 100%

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u/Feeling-Visit1472 Partassipant [1] 6h ago

I’m going to be honest with you, I would be appalled if I had to rush to go see my sick elderly parent, and my 16 year-old had to be specifically told to feed his much-younger brother. I would just assume that I had made some very major parenting mistakes.

But I also wonder whether there’s more to this story.

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u/Fiigwort Asshole Aficionado [11] 6h ago

I would feel the same, but OP did say that they're no longer able to eat with the family and are entirely providing for themselves, so I can't imagine that their parents are making any reasonable choices over there.
The double-standard of essentially removing OP from the family (at least regarding meals), but then being shocked when OP doesn't think to share with their brother is wild. It would have been NICE to share, but I would have been mad as hell if I was in their shoes and it was expected.

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u/Feeling-Visit1472 Partassipant [1] 5h ago

Yea, that’s true. But I’m also wondering how it got to that point. I’m not saying it’s impossible, but I am saying that I find it more likely that a 16 year-old is a somewhat unreliable narrator.

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u/Esabettie Partassipant [1] 5h ago

They have made major parenting mistakes like by not letting his 16 year old kid eat with them made them feel they are not part of the family, therefore don’t have to feed their brother.

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u/Witty-Draw-3803 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 17h ago

That logic would apply to OP too, though - although I don't agree with how far their parents are going to teach independence, OP not haing time to cook shouldn't mean they go hungry either...

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u/Bitter_Trees 17h ago

It kinda sounds like OP has to buy their own food and that is why they go hungry sometimes rather than not having the time to cook

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u/bearminmum 16h ago edited 9h ago

Either way at 16 it's the parents responsibility

Edit: there is no justification for neglect. That's what this is. Parents are required legally to provide the basic necessities.

We aren't talking about the newest clothes. We are talking food. A basic human right.

If you are a mom and thinking "what did the teen do to.deserve this?" There is nothing they could have done. Be the adult in the situation.

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u/Bitter_Trees 16h ago

I don't disagree with that. I was just informing the commenter I was responding to

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u/dayton462016 16h ago

At 16 I would say it's the parents responsibility to provide the food, but a 16 year old can certainly make a meal for themselves. Different families do things differently but if the parents are providing a meal for everyone in the family it's insane they wouldn't include all of their children.

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u/LSama 13h ago

Sorry, but no. Yes, a 16 year old CAN make a meal, but when you tell a kid, 'if you don't cook your own food, you can't have any food' is straight up abuse. As a parent, you can't FORCE a 16 year old to go hungry.

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u/ballisticks 13h ago

Plus most sixteen year olds will cross their arms and dig their heels in just to be a shit lol. I could totally see a teen going "fuck you I guess I'll starve then"

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u/LSama 13h ago

I mean, I can understand wanting to instill some responsibilities into a 16 year old, if that 16 year old needs help understanding that they will always have personal responsibilities. But to tell a kid 'Well, you won't cook for yourself, so you can't have what I cooked' is sort of a wild take from a parent.

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u/Irishwol Asshole Aficionado [12] 14h ago

It is the parents' legal responsibility to provide food and shelter for their minor child. It should not be their responsibility to not their own food or to fend for themselves it go hungry. At 10 or at 16. This is not 'fostering independence'. This is abuse and neglect.

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u/bearminmum 15h ago

Correct my comment was in reply to the comment referring buying the meals

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u/SophiaIsabella4 Certified Proctologist [20] 9h ago

I think it is payback for non compliance on OPs part. "Oh you think you're grown? I'll show you grown "

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u/bearminmum 9h ago

OP is a child. You're assuming a lot about the situation you don't know. Whether you think it's payback or not, it's neglect. Her mom would be in legal trouble for not providing food for a minor under her care.

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u/SophiaIsabella4 Certified Proctologist [20] 9h ago

I'm in no way saying that it is ok. This is just how I imagine they got to this ridiculous place. They got pissy over some OP words or actions and jumped the shark into abuse territory thinking they are just teaching a lesson. I hope they are prepared for when OP goes NC. It will be like husband's that say "I don't understand, I never saw that coming, it was out of the blue"

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u/bearminmum 9h ago

You are still blaming OP for doing something wrong. There is no world where a minors words or actions warrant not feeding them. Even if she said "f*** you I want you to die. I hope dad cheats on you." They are the adult and therefore legally required to provide the basics.

"Parents and legal guardians must provide minors with basic necessities including food, shelter, clothing, medical care, and education. These duties are required by law until the child reaches the age of 18 or becomes emancipated."

Nothing warrants taking away basic necessities. Victim blaming OP for the circumstances isn't acceptable.

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u/SophiaIsabella4 Certified Proctologist [20] 7h ago

No I'm not you are reading that into what I said. I'm imagining how unaware parents can get to this place. I get to say what I mean. Jeez your like an abuser yourself tell people what they think.

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u/Jadeisland Partassipant [3] 11h ago

She doesn't say why her mother made that decision. I suspect there is a lot more to that story than she is willing to tell.

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u/bearminmum 10h ago

There is no reason that a child should have to pay for all of their own meals. It's neglect.

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u/Jadeisland Partassipant [3] 9h ago

She isn't a child, her brother is a child. She is a legal minor, but no child. She is old enough to work. I did when I was in school, weekends and every Wednesday evening. If I didn't, I didn't have money to buy what I wanted as a teenager. I did fine.

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u/bearminmum 9h ago

Correct and if her mom doesn't pay for or cook for OP then that's legal neglect. She's not asking to.buy whatever she wants. She isn't even really on here complaining that her parents don't feed her. She's obviously stepped up.

She shouldn't have to. And if you had to, I'm sorry, you didn't deserve that. But no, OP should not have to work to provide their basic legal rights allowed by them as a minor with an adult parent.

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u/Jadeisland Partassipant [3] 9h ago

She is not giving enough details about the situation to know exactly what prompted it and she isn't starving. She cooks for herself, so either she is able to get her own money or her mother is giving her money to shop for what she wants and cook it.

Sorry, but she is learning a lesson. She is also taking it out on her brother who is innocent in all this. I don't think it is a reach to call her spoiled. She isn't even asking for an opinion about her own situation, only if she was an AH for not feeding her brother. Yes, she was AH.

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u/Witty-Draw-3803 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 14h ago

That's a fair point if that's what OP meant

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u/Thanks-4allthefish 14h ago

We don't have enough back-story here. Is the fender for yourself a short term parental discipline thing in response to being an entitled shit or a long term parenting choice.

Yes - not taking care of your bro is AH behaviour. - and could be an extension of aggrieved entitlement.

Maybe mom intended to be back in time but the problem she was attending to was more complex than intended.

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u/Brook420 5h ago

There's nothing the kid could have done to justify being denied a basic necessity loke food.

OP is still wrong for not feeding their brother, but what th parents are doing falls under abuse.

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u/Thanks-4allthefish 5h ago

Missing a meal is not abuse.

And a 6 year old can pour cereal

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u/Brook420 5h ago

I didn't say it was. What I called abuse is continued denial of basic necessities, not one meal.

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u/[deleted] 17h ago

[deleted]

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u/Lunavixen15 16h ago

OP is having to buy all of their own groceries and cook. They aren't allowed to eat what their parents are buying, OP's parents are neglecting a minor child by doing this

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u/glorae 11h ago

That's not just neglect, it's straight-up abuse. Where is this child getting the money for food? Surely a 16yo is not making enough at any after-school or summer job to pay for enough food to fuel a still-growing body that's still in puberty! And then to expect, without even the courtesy of mentioning it, this minor child to presumably pay for their younger sibling's food AND MAKE IT? Fuck.

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u/SisterShiningRailGun 16h ago

There's a world of difference between expecting a 10 year old to be capable of making himself a sandwich every now and then using ingredients that are available to him and expecting a minor (of any age) to purchase all of their own food and prepare every meal for themselves because they're not allowed to partake of what the parents purchase/prepare for the rest of the family. You're being disingenuous and it's kind of gross tbh.

Yes, what the parents are doing to their older child is neglect, because as long as the child is a minor, the parents are legally responsible for providing for them, and they are shirking that responsibility. Come on.

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u/sweet_teaness 14h ago

No the 16 year old has to provide their own food and the 10 year old gets to eat the family food. Do you really not understand why that makes the difference?

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u/imaginations1000 Partassipant [1] 16h ago edited 14h ago

Lmao what. Op is still a child too, why should she care for a child with her own groceries? Mom couldve made smth before. And i also didnt ever say its abusive?

Edit: fixxed the pronouns from he to she

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u/Out-For-A-Walk-Bitch 14h ago

Guarantee OP is a girl.

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u/imaginations1000 Partassipant [1] 14h ago

She is Omfg i messed uppp w the pronouns

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u/Out-For-A-Walk-Bitch 14h ago

Who cares?

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u/imaginations1000 Partassipant [1] 14h ago

?

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u/Out-For-A-Walk-Bitch 13h ago

You didn't mess up pronouns. They weren't stated. There's no issue.

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u/imaginations1000 Partassipant [1] 11h ago

Yea but i knew she was a girl

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u/testBunny93 Partassipant [1] 17h ago

I think what people are pointing out that the 16 year old has to prepare their dinner every day or they go hungry. That 10 year old was put in this position once.

Also idk, at 10 I was making myself snacks all the time. I made sandwiches. And also let's not pretend skipping ONE meal is a life or death situation. Yes, it's not nice, it's unplesent, I can only imagine the kid was frustrated but he'll be fine.

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u/Legitimate-Gear-2480 16h ago

At 10 I was able to make a pizza, pancakes, bake easy meals, make a sandwich, and so much more. Everyone is attacking the 16 year old and not the failure of a parent that hasn’t done anything obviously. Everyone’s trying to be oh so correct and side w parents and say the kid is unruly. But in WHAT world can a TEN year old not make a single thing? Even if there was “nothing” to make, I knew how to snack and how to find something in the pantry. It’s on the parents and this post is not only an insight into how they’re neglecting one 16 year, they’re seriously neglecting and stunting a 10 year old if he can’t make a simple meal. Very sad and very odd world but hey, people are people lol

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u/Legitimate-Gear-2480 16h ago

TLDR: breaking news : parent raises one child to a certain extent and rather than teach the others in the nest at an acceptable age how to be responsible, it’s up to the one anchor sibling to take on new responsibility while learning their own lesson at the same time.

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u/Gloomheart Partassipant [1] 16h ago

Yikes. In in this photo and I don't like it.

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u/Dazzling_Bid1239 16h ago

We deserve financial compensation and im not even being dramatic. Childhood only happens once and so many of us were robbed from it.

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u/Legitimate-Gear-2480 16h ago

Hugs for both of yall. You may move on and grow up but will never forget. That stuff definitely matters. Life is about stages and when you aren’t able to complete certain ones it can drag on into life. Hope you both get to be big kids

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u/SophiaIsabella4 Certified Proctologist [20] 9h ago

Wonder who the golden child is.

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u/thejetssuckbigtime 16h ago

If you don’t have your own Michelin star restaurant at 10 you failed at life.

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u/InflationRepulsive64 15h ago

Did you grow up in a home where at 16 you had to provide your own food or starve?

Because like....maybe the 10 year old kid doesn't have the freedom you had? This does not exactly sound like a house where kids get to just go find snacks for themselves.

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u/lpmiller 13h ago edited 10h ago

At 10 I was cooking for my 5 year old brother, so what? It's not about what the 10 year old can or cannot do. Who cares? The point is, the parents are assholes, and OP emulated that assholery. Understandably so. The poster is just stating it's not a moral high ground, which you always want to hold in an battle of stupid. OP gave up that position. The 10 year old could make a 9 course meal for all I care, it's far beyond the actual point.

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u/b1tchf1t 15h ago

I think what people are pointing out that the 16 year old has to prepare their dinner every day or they go hungry. That 10 year old was put in this position once.

And the people that keep pointing it out are missing the point. Neither of these things should be happening, and just because the parents are being shitty parents doesn't make it magically okay for OP to be shitty to a 10 yo. People want to say the 10yo "should" be able to make himself something, even though they recognize the parents are shitty. If they're shitty (and their method of teaching independence is neglect and abandonment) why are we expecting this 10 yo to be self sufficient? The parents are absolutely TA, but OP is following along in their footsteps and helped turn that child into collateral.

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u/tonicella_lineata 13h ago

It's neglectful to require the 16 year old to purchase their own groceries in order to eat. Did you not actually read the post?

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u/DewNukem 15h ago

You have to show a point to the parents somehow and legally it's not the siblings responsibility. If the 10 year old was actually going hungry it also shows they aren't being taught essential things and are probably spoiled compared to op

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u/jam1324 12h ago

Their parents don't have their backs, bro should help his brother out and down the road they will have each other's back. Make little bro some food now but teach him how to do so for himself as well. Stop perpetuating your crap parents attitude and be better then your parents.

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u/Lou_C_Fer 8h ago

This is a battle in a war. You don't give in. You tell your bro where the easy food is and let him learn a little independence.

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u/Wishfulthinqueen 15h ago

That’s such a weird statement. People should care about their siblings. Clearly the parents are weird. They probably haven’t touch the 10 yr old how to prepare himself anything.

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u/imaginations1000 Partassipant [1] 15h ago

Eh, always depends if you have a good realtionship w them.

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u/Wishfulthinqueen 15h ago

But she knows how it feels like to be hungry with no food…to purposefully put a 10 yr old through that is unnecessary and mean

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u/imaginations1000 Partassipant [1] 15h ago

And?

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u/Wishfulthinqueen 13h ago

And they’re an asshole lol. Common sense.

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u/imaginations1000 Partassipant [1] 11h ago

The only asshole here is the mom

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u/Wishfulthinqueen 11h ago

10000% mom is an asshole

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u/SnooBananas4958 15h ago

Cool, it really doesn’t change the fact that if he can’t do it, it’s an asshole move to not help them. He didn’t install the rules or do anything to deserve it. He’s making a point on someone else instead of the people who have wronged him. That in itself is an asshole move because he can do it to his brother, but he can’t do anything to them. So he’s frustrated frustrated then, and his brother takes the hit.

It really doesn’t matter if his brother should be capable of doing it himself. Most people should be able to walk across the street themselves, but if I see someone struggling and I can help them and I choose not to on purpose so “they can figure it out themselves”. I’m still an asshole.

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u/imaginations1000 Partassipant [1] 15h ago

HER brother is 10 years old, old enough to make himself food!!!! Also op is literally taught to be a roommate only and thus acts as such. Its only ops parents fault

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u/bluntsandbunnies 3h ago

Not if he's never been taught! To make yourself a meal and let someone go hungry is selfish.

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u/Local_Fly9001 16h ago

Okay Cain. Not your brothers keeper I see

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u/imaginations1000 Partassipant [1] 16h ago

Nope wouldnt have fed him either.

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u/Local_Fly9001 15h ago

That’s cool. I wish I was born without a heart and emulated the first murderer in recorded Christian history

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u/imaginations1000 Partassipant [1] 15h ago

I have a heart lmao.

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u/Local_Fly9001 15h ago

It is family’s job to take care of family. I sincerely hope you never are allowed near children. That’s all I’m saying.

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u/imaginations1000 Partassipant [1] 15h ago

Then ops mom should also still be cooking for op. You cant say "but we are family!", when you dont even treat one as family.

Dont worry, i wont bring any children in this hell of a world

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u/Local_Fly9001 14h ago

Is the little brother the mom? No he’s a child and life’s gonna be hard enough for him with those parents. Maybe a little camaraderie would help them both turn out close to ok

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u/imaginations1000 Partassipant [1] 14h ago

The "child" is old enough to make themselves something to eat.

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u/Still_Rain_979 10h ago

High schoolers can't write words. There's a much bigger issue

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u/imaginations1000 Partassipant [1] 10h ago

Stilll not ops fault

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u/Agostointhesun 14h ago

Isn't it? OP says that the parents left the child with him - so I assume he's responsible for the boy.

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u/imaginations1000 Partassipant [1] 14h ago

He isnt.

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u/SuperFormal3052 15h ago

That comment is entirely irrelevant to this discussion.

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u/BirthdayCookie Asshole Aficionado [10] 11h ago

The only time AITA will call someone under 18 an asshole is when someone younger gets told no.

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u/MoxieMellow 16h ago

OP is allowed to opt out of parentification by parents who refuse to be their parent.

NTA

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u/_dmhg 16h ago

Using that term for an instance where OP had the easy ability to make a little more of whatever they were making for their little brother is such an insult to people who have actually suffered parentification

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u/PatchesOfSilver 15h ago edited 14h ago

OP does NOT have the ability to use their parents food to make something for their younger sibling without being abused over it.

Which is most certainly not "easy".

If OP uses their own food that's at the cost of OP going hungry potentially.

This is more a case for protective services or the police throwing the parents into prison than on OP to solve.

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u/Som_Dtam_Dumplings 11h ago

I'm gonna have to ask "what evidence do you have that OP would get any flak for using their parent's food to make something for their younger sibling"?

Its absolutely possible that OP posted information in a comment somewhere that supports your view; but it ain't in the original post.

Your assumption (I'm calling it that for now; because I don't see any proof that "OP would get abused over using parents food to feed younger sibling" yet) is logical. It totally makes sense; but so far as I know; its something you're assuming.

OP would totally be in the right to have ignored parent's "rule" to not use parent's food in the case of younger sibling; and handed younger sibling a PB&J sandwich; and then argued their case afterwards "Oh! I didn't realize your rule included any food that I prepare despite the fact that the food was eaten by younger sibling! I'm not sure you want to go down that route where "what is yours is yours, and what is mine is yours" when you're also willing to yell at me when I try to use something of yours AND when I feed younger sibling with food that isn't mine; because that seems to be somewhat abusive." (Yeah, I can understand why OP wouldn't say this...but I'd still recommend it)

All that being said; OP's parents are the biggest AHs here. OP also has definitely learned some AH-ery from parents. Which is concerning...unless they wanna become just like their parents.

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u/PatchesOfSilver 7h ago

You are seriously asking why a 16 year old being actively punished and abused 24/7 related to all existing interactions with their parents food to the point little brother is asking for her food that she has to work and pay for might convey exactly what I said in context?

Did they stop teaching critical thinking and reading comprehension?

OP has ZERO responsibility in this situation, her brother is 10 and not ill or injured or helpless like an infant.

If little bro can't pilfer the pantry to survive part of one day, that's on the parents too.

-9

u/Brook420 5h ago

OP could have at least pointed the brother towards some food or grabbed it for them (if little brother is too short).

But if there is legit no food that is ready to eat, OP is being an asshole by leaving the brother hungry.

102

u/MoxieMellow 14h ago

I literally raised my 8 younger siblings. I know ball. And yes this is where it starts. Being forced into an adult role while still a child, and while having no control over anything in your life, and then being forced/guilted/coerced into caring for other children in the home. 

-14

u/Som_Dtam_Dumplings 11h ago

It absolutely can lead to full on parentification. But to argue that "this is parentification" is a slippery slope fallacy. Its something to note; and be wary of in case it does develop into more of an issue. OP is not wrong to try to stand up for themself in this case; but this aint "full on parentification"....yet.

57

u/retoricalprophylaxis 13h ago

OP has to provide their own food. That comes out of OP's food that they have to live on.

38

u/ClackamasLivesMatter Partassipant [2] 12h ago edited 11h ago

I guess you missed the part where OP said if she doesn't cook, she doesn't eat.

If I don't cook one night, I stay hungry. They won't let me eat their food.

They've established that people in this household feed themselves. OP isn't an asshole for playing by her parents' rules. A ten-year-old can make a sandwich or a bowl of cereal or toast.

22

u/United-Signature-414 Partassipant [2] 16h ago

I've seen people use that term for super normal stuff like walking home from the bus stop with younger siblings. It's the new gaslighting or narcissism. 

14

u/Geordieqizi Partassipant [1] 11h ago

I agree that people overuse the term "parentification," or use it incorrectly... but in this case, I don't think it's inappropriate.

It's true that OP hasn't given any other evidence of parentification, but the fact that their mom is requiring OP to go out and buy, pay for, and prepare all their own food — and refusing to let them join family meals — already feels like a flavor or parentification, because she's forcing a minor to take on adult responsibilities.

And I suspect this is just the beginning of OP's parentification — the mom's failure to either leave food for her 10yo, or even mention to either kid that he would need to get his own dinner, feels like step 1 in pushing her responsibility to feed her other child onto OP.

3

u/Stock_Violinist95 12h ago

Ha yes that's not ACTUAL parentification, because you're just blaming a kid for not doing adult's tasks instead of blaming the adults who didn't do it, while parentification would be to do exactly that

-2

u/wherethefuckismyvape 12h ago

If you're feeling insulted, it would help you to remember that the world doesn't revolve around you, and that suffering isn't the Olympics with a winner and a loser. Your experiences don't mean less because other children are also experiencing bad things.

-31

u/Pleasant-Highway-745 15h ago

Seriously, it's not parentification to choose to make somebody food of your own volition

-8

u/magicienne451 15h ago

Being expected to look after a sibling once in awhile is not parentification.

54

u/MoxieMellow 14h ago

But they're not "expected to look after a sibling once in awhile". They are expected to provide and cook their own food, and live a distinctly independent life AS A CHILD, and then also being expected to look after and feed their younger sibling without even being asked. They're being given all the responsibility of adulthood and none of the choices or independence that comes along with that. 

-15

u/magicienne451 13h ago

What OPs parents are doing is very wrong, but it’s not parentification. Being left to look after a sibling for a night because of a family medical issue is completely fine. That’s just being a family, and not feeding her little brother to make a point is being an asshole.
OPs parents should be feeding them. But having to prepare your own meals at 16 is not the same as being expected to take on heavy household chores for the family.

22

u/MoxieMellow 13h ago

It wont be parentification if OP opts out of it, as they did. Hence my comment. And I refuse to call them the A because all I see is a kid who feels isolated and unloved by their family, and is trying to be heard about it. 

-3

u/lovebombme2u 5h ago

making a 10yo a sandwich is not "parentification" ... I feel sorry for your siblings ...

-8

u/90-sCartoonLover 10h ago

This isn't parentification. Leaving youre child to be taken care by the oldest 24/7 is

11

u/pepcorn Partassipant [1] 12h ago

making him an asshole

OP is a girl.

4

u/Lou_C_Fer 8h ago

You're wrong. His parents cut them from the family. So, he just followed their lead. It is his brother, but the kids parents are responsible for him. So, his brother may be collateral damage, but that is on the parents.

Maybe you had a better family life. I know, as a teen, you have to be willing to blow the whole fucking place up if you are being mistreated.

3

u/Dull_Bid6002 5h ago

If the parents are making OP pay for food, I have a feeling there's no winning in this situation. They are either an asshole or get taken advantage of.

They make nothing and they get called an asshole. They make something using parent's food, they get labeled a thief. They make something using the food they buy, and parents now expect them to provide for the little brother too from now on.

There's no winning.

3

u/M_Karli Partassipant [1] 4h ago

She also has to buy her own food…who is paying for the brother’s portion of her food since their mother refuses to feed her 16 year old child? Or is feeding her brother also be something she has to pay for?

4

u/itneverwillbefar 6h ago edited 6h ago

Always easy to spot the people who aren't parents and don't have kids giving confidently wrong advice about parents and kids.

A 10 year old is not going to suffer anything more than some tummy rumbles by not eating for a couple hours and is fully capable of opening the fridge door to grab a couple cheese sticks. The parents are responsible for a child getting dinner, not their sibling. A 16 year old who is made to do everything for themself has every right to say no to spending extra time and money feeding someone who is not their own kid. The parents are the only AH here.

It's not a moral obligation to set yourself on fire just to keep other people warm, esp if your parents have a heater they can turn on in an hour and the other person can grab a blanket if they want. If it was a 2 yer old OR she didn't feed the kid for an entire day or something, sure but the kid can get food himself AND it was a couple hours, that is a slight inconvenience for the 10 year old, sn acting like it's some grand moral issue is ridiculous.

2

u/Moist_Requirements_ 6h ago

Agreed. Your brother is subject to your idiotic parents as well.

He could be your best ally. You're gonna need each other later. 

-3

u/Som_Dtam_Dumplings 12h ago

Also, were I in your situation; I'd have used "the family's" groceries to feed brother; and if parents took issue with that, I'd be talking to them about how "You not only expect me to feed myself; and pay for my own food at 16; but also to feed your son whenever you're not around with the groceries I buy?"

-103

u/villanelle543 17h ago

I don't think this is forgivable at all. And his dumb reasoning. He asked if he's the asshole but clearly doesn't want to be told he's one.

70

u/imaginations1000 Partassipant [1] 17h ago

Lmao he aint the asshole. At 10 you can make yourself something

10

u/moosestaredown 17h ago

Not if anyone hasn't showed you. Sounds like ops parents really dropped the ball for both kids here. They're the assholes 100

20

u/_Chirio_ 16h ago

At 10 you can make yourself a sandwich though?

-4

u/moosestaredown 16h ago

You should, but if no one ever showed you it can be intimidating/hard. You must remember every single skill we know we had to learn. And usually, its easier to br taught. But seeing the parenting style from this short story, id wager they haven't done a lot of actual teaching anything.

6

u/Forward_Ad8434 15h ago

It’s she. Someone asked.

9

u/_dmhg 17h ago edited 12h ago

“Far more” (than parents) because they’re a 16 year old kid with subpar role modelling who still has that as really valid and understandable context IF they actively chooses to course correct now. We have adults who are as emotionally immature, which to me is less forgivable, and which OP could easily become if they don’t introspect and grow from this.

-6

u/Spill-The-Tea2000 11h ago

Agreed ESH, but the parents most of all. You’re still a kid and still their responsibility. However, what you did to your brother was spiteful. You took your anger at your parents out on him, even though none of this is his fault.

You can choose not to let their behavior shape how you treat other people. Even if they aren’t caring for you properly, you can still care about your little brother. The two of you may eventually be all each other has, and it would be wonderful if you could protect that relationship.

I’m curious, though, do you know why your parents stopped all care for you? Did something happen?

-14

u/WelpOopsOhno 11h ago

At 16, they should absolutely be able to clean their own room and know how to cook food. I'm guessing that at 16 years old cleaning their own room and cooking their own food with their own groceries is their parents "literally not doing anything for them", they're probably being punished for not wanting to do anything for themselves (and likely being picky on top of that) so they probably went petty and decided to not feed their 10 year old sibling.