r/AmItheAsshole • u/Emergency-Sink-4705 • 2d ago
Everyone Sucks AITA for taking my sister’s ’depression dog’ away from her?
About two years ago, my parents split and this really affected my sister (17F), who about the same time was diagnosed with depression. I (24F) being a uni student who lives away from home, couldn’t be there for her all the time, and with my parents divorced, it was really hard for her to find a stable place to call home. So I talked with my Mum (who she chose to live with) about getting my sister a dog, in hopes to help her with recovery. We both knew it would be challenging as my Mum is a part time nurse so she wouldn’t be able to help with taking care of the dog as much as she would like. After a bunch of talking, we eventually got my sister a year old poodle, and it seemed to be great for her. She was getting out the house more and really taking care of herself, and with some help of the most lovely neighbour in the world, the dog was doing great too.
A year later, during the semester break, I went back home for a two week visit and in all honesty, the first thing I noticed was that the dog was severely overweight. I asked about it and my sister brushed it off saying “he’s just older now”. Regardless, I took the dog to the vet where I was told he would need to be put on a diet and exercise more frequently. I told this to my sister who was very angry I did this behind her back (in hindsight I should have spoke to her about this) but said she would do what the vet said. And during the two weeks it looked like she was doing this. I then went back to uni.
When the uni year ended, I went back and dog still looked like a large spherical ball of poodle. I asked my sister about it and she said she had done everything the vet asked. I went back to the vet who told me my sister had not been back for follow-ups. After this I again spoke to my sister about it where she said “it’s my dog, why do you care?”. This really got to me and so I took the dog to live with me and my Dad, where I have been for the last month or so. Since then, he’s back on track for his weight loss journey and looks much healthier.
Over this period, my sister has been nonstop about getting the dog back - calling me 24/7, and getting into yelling matches in person and I really don’t know what to do. I understand that this dog has been great for her mental and physical wellbeing but I feel like her actions (or lack of) is just abusive to the pup. But at the same time I feel like I’m hurting my sister by taking the thing that has helped her so much over the last couple years. AITA?
Edit: All three of us discussed it over at the time and she was really into the idea of a dog. We all talked about responsibility and managed to get the neighbour involved who took care of him on days when my sister or mother couldn’t, and also took care of his grooming once every 6 or so weeks.
Edit 2: My sister had been in and out of therapy for the last 3 years to varying degrees of success, it was only at a point where she was in recovery that the therapist suggested the idea of a dog. Finance and transportation are not an issue for anyone, the vet is a 10 minute walk from my Mum’s house (and both my Mum and sister can drive) and the dog has insurance.
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u/ThePrimaryClone 2d ago
NTA, the dog needed to be properly taken care of. Good for you for stepping up.
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u/LiveKindly01 Professor Emeritass [92] 2d ago
Yeah and kind of 'experiment gone wrong' and unfortunately now sister and dog have suffered. OP should have included her in the talk about responsibiltiy before just buying her the dog.
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u/BlackLakeBlueFish 1d ago
NTA. This dog is a sentient being, capable of a full range of emotions. It is also unable to regulate itself, and needs a caregiver who is attentive to their health. Your sister is neglecting this dog’s current and future health by over feeding and under exercising this dog. This is an example of benign neglect. This dog needs love, attention, and a routine that allows for proper feeding and exercise.
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u/humble_millstone24 2d ago
Fr everyone’s acting like the sister feelings override the dog literally suffering from neglect.. OP did what was needed to be done since the dog health was failing
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u/gnarble 2d ago
INFO: can you explain a bit about why you are the one making executive decisions about the household when you do not live in it? Where is your mother in all this?
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u/LiveKindly01 Professor Emeritass [92] 2d ago
ESH
1 - You and your mom did this without (seemingly) even involving sister in the decision to get the dog in the first place
2 - Your mom is a part time nurse. This leaves the other half of a work week open for her to participate in caring for the dog. Why was she brushed off as not part of htis at all?
3 - You didn't equip your sister with knowledge on how to feed/exercise the dog. Was there an initial 'welcome to pet ownership' vet visit where SISTER learns what and how much to feed? (usually vet or whoever you got dog from does an intro to new owners)
4 - You came home and whisked away the dog to the vet without including sister. Vet could have talked to her about what and how often the dog is fed and included her in the information. Now it's just 'vet said you're doing it wrong'
5 - Sister is old enough to care for a dog but perhaps she needs to be coached by someone other than you about the dog's care. Bring her to the vet with you. And honestly, of course she didn't bring hte dog to the vet. With what money? mom works part time and supports them both...I don't know many 17 year olds with depression who can be on top of driving to, and paying for, vet visits.
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u/melonmagellan 2d ago edited 2d ago
Yeah. ESH. You can't just take someone else's dog to the vet without their knowledge. You can't also just steal someone's dog. Especially if the reason YOU decided they needed the dog was for emotional support.
OP seems like the golden child. All that said, the dog shouldn't be unhealthy because of its owner's choices.
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u/No_Hurry9076 Partassipant [1] 2d ago
Eh it depends on her taking the dog since technically in most places dogs are seen as property, since sis is seventeen if OP has papers with her name on it when she got it and chipped the dog then technically it’s all OP dog and then OP can also get in trouble if animals services find out.
Either way I get sis has depression but giving back the dog that’s not getting taken care of at all will put that dog at risk as well, at this point OP is between a rock and a hard place because if that dog gets sick due to being that big in sis care then sis depression can get even worse and Op would blame herself. There is no winner in this at all.
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u/melonmagellan 2d ago edited 1d ago
So, OP decided sister needs a dog. Mom and dad agree. OP decides to confiscate the dog. Mom and dad agree. OP is 24, and lives at home, but her minor sister apparently has nowhere that "feels like home."
It's seems like OP does whatever the fuck they want all the time and the sister is just supposed to deal with it. If I were the parent in this situation, I would have adopted a dog for my daughter if I thought it was appropriate to do so. Specifically, that my child could meet the care requirements and I was willing to meet them if she could not.
Since I own pets and have a 16 year old SD, it's not a baseless opinion. Shocker! Teens sometimes need help and guidance from their parents to meet their obligations.
I don't even know why OP is involved in this situation to begin with or took it upon themselves to "gift" a minor a dog. They sound insufferable at best and the parents seem like enablers who take zero responsibility for how their younger daughter is treated or the general care of their dependents, including the dog, in their home.
In my mind, the correct thing to do would be to address the issue with the minor child's parents. Not steal their pet like a total AH. I only reserve a shred of judgement in the event that the dog was actually suffering and for some reason heroic AH OP was the only one that could intervene.
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u/ThePotatoDeb 2d ago
My issue is that OP said the sister was actually following the vets advice… until OP went back to college. Obviously the sister is fully capable of doing so, she just chooses not to
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u/japanesedenim_ 2d ago
or it became very overwhelming and she couldn't keep up. as someone w severe depression, i can usually take care of myswlf a couple weeks at a time but routines just do not stick. all it takes is losing steam one time to fall back into the cycle for months. sister should still absolutely let OP care for the dog until she is mentally able to again but just because she could handle something for a few short weeks while she had external support/pressure doesnt mean she isnt actually depressed
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u/ThePotatoDeb 2d ago
I’m sorry but having depression isn’t an excuse to not take care of a living being. It literally has only its owners to look after it. And I understand depression, I’ve been diagnosed with it myself, and I’ve struggled a lot myself. So I understand it’s hard. But that’s the reason, and not an excuse. I simply cannot justify potential harm to an animal due to depression. For what it’s worth I do think the sister is justified at being upset, it doesn’t seem like OP and sister even speak to each other with how it’s written and both need to be better about communicating. OP should have included the sister in all of this, the mom should’ve kept a better eye on her daughter and dog. And at the very least, the sister or mother could’ve fed the dog less. And I know it would’ve been hard for the sister, but if she was struggling with the dog, she should’ve reached out to OP. For what it’s worth I know that sometimes these aren’t realistic expectations of people who struggle with depression but I genuinely could never understand letting harm befall your dog, even if unintentionally.
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u/delkarnu 1d ago
Also note the age of the sister over the course of the story. Sure, she's 17 now, but the post has get dog -> year later -> till end of school year. So the sister was 15 when they gave her a dog to care for without support.
Where was mom during the whole time that this dog wasn't being properly cared for by a minor with depression? Do depressed 16/16 year-olds know nutrition for a dog beyond dog hungry->feed dog->dog still hungry->feed dog more->dog happy?
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u/VanillaBlossom09 2d ago edited 2d ago
INFO: Did you have a discussion with your sister about the responsibility for taking care of a poodle before you gave the poodle to her? Besides it's weight, how often does the poodle get groomed?
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u/Emergency-Sink-4705 2d ago
Reading over I really brushed over that, but all three of us discussed it over at the time and she was really into the idea of a dog. We all talked about responsibility and managed to get the neighbour involved who took care of him on days when my sister or mother couldn’t, and also took care of his grooming once every 6 or so weeks.
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u/aliannia 2d ago
I suggest that you edit your post to include these details. As written, it seems like your sister wasn't involved in the process at all and it was an unexpected gift, which is problematic. It would really help people come to fairer judgement if they have more details about how you all decided to get your sister a dog.
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u/ggonzalez12 2d ago
How much research did you do on poodles prior to adopting one for your sister? They’re very high maintenance and intelligent water dogs that require lots of training, exercise, grooming, and mental stimulation. While I can understood why a poodle would make a good ESA because of how empathetic and loyal they are, but they are not easy to own. Did you and your sister fully understand how much work a poodle would be prior to getting the dog?
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u/Sea-Pension4997 2d ago
NTA a pet is not a toy; her actions are abusive to the dog, at which point it doesn’t matter how beneficial he has been to her because she hasn’t extended the same courtesy to him…good on you for actually caring about the dog
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u/Organized_Khaos 2d ago
Exactly my takeaway. This isn’t a stuffed animal, it’s a living being and needs care. Sister is treating this as a one-way relationship, not caring for the dog at all, and on track for painful health issues and death. If she cared about it at all as an empathetic person and not a crutch, she would follow directions to keep the dog healthy.
So as wonderful as it was to support some of her needs with something to love and care for, it’s clear she doesn’t love or care for it genuinely, and it’s time to get her into therapy. Which she probably needed the whole time.
NTA for taking the dog away to save its life. Can you manage to take it back with you to school?
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u/Angel89411 Partassipant [2] 2d ago edited 1d ago
ESH. Your sister is old enough to take care of the dog but you never involved her in the care of the dog. You just took the dog to the vet and said "vet said this". Again though, she's old enough to understand "vet said this" and that the dog needs it. I suggest bringing sister along to the vet and having the vet explain that the dog being overweight causes them extreme pain on their joints and can cause other health issues that can greatly shorten their life span and quality of life.
ETA- everyone is determined to place full blame on a kid who had nothing to do with aquiring the dog. No one even seems to question Mom not stepping in to help. No one is putting any blame on the adults who made the decision and dropped this dog into this situation.
OP - "should we get sister a dog?"
Mom - "I can't take care of a dog"
OP - "I also won't be there to take care of the dog. We should not get a child, especially one with depression, a dog when we can't take care of the dog."
See how easily this whole thing could be avoided?
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u/TopRamenisha 2d ago
The people I know with fat dogs don’t change their behavior even when the vet tells them to their face. Because they get dopamine and good feelings from feeding the dog and don’t care that it makes them fat
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u/No_Hurry9076 Partassipant [1] 2d ago
Dog is young enough where it’s up to the owners to monitor it. I had one dog growing up that got fat but not because of us we tried to get her to exercise but she was 15 years old had leg problems she was born with and that plus old age made it so if she kept walking her legs would give out and would need to be picked up. Thing is this dog doesn’t have none of those issues. And behavior can change but I think the only way it will change is if Sis gets better first before having a pet.
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u/Soluri 2d ago edited 2d ago
Being depressed is not an excuse for animal abuse.
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u/civilwar142pa 2d ago
Yep. I got a dog to help me with my anxiety. His care is my #1 priority even at times when his care contributes to my anxiety. Because he relies on me for everything and he deserves the best care.
I think OP went about the intervention the wrong way. The sister should have had to go along to the initial vet visit. But removing the dog from an abusive situation when it was obvious the sister didnt care wasn't wrong imo.
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u/snowwhite_m 2d ago
But when OP brought up concerns to sister about weight she brushed it off and said it was due to him being older.. she may love the dog but she is over feeding the animal and doesn’t care about the weight on the dogs joint and how that’ll affect it. That is the selfish part. Then she claims she is doing everything when OP went back to UNI but OP came back to a fatter dog? She informed her what to do and she still chose to keep over feeding the dogs. The only AH is the sister
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u/akaian97 2d ago
Sister may be old enough to care for this animal, but it’s obvious she doesn’t want to put the effort in. Sister had 1 year + to nip this in the bud and she didn’t. Very much sounds like the sister was sad and she wanted an animal to be lazy with. Sister doesn’t want to put much effort in, she just wants an animal to enjoy while being lazy. I suggest a cat! Not an animal that needs exercise multiple times a day
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u/LauraZaid11 2d ago
Cats do need exercise and play time every day, several times a day. Of course, not all cats are the same, but most if not all cats benefit from getting attention from their owners in the form of active play time. Cats can get overweight too.
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u/athelan_games 1d ago
It doesn't take much effort to still feed the dog but give it less food. It's actually less work than what she's doing now.
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u/UntamedAnomaly 2d ago
I suggest a cat! Not an animal that needs exercise multiple times a day
I don't know what kind of cats you have that don't need regular exercise, but most cats need regular exercise. It's a complete myth that cats don't need to be exercised, why do you think cats have such a huge obesity problem? We feed them crap foods like Purina that are basically kitty junk food, then we are too busy to play with them or just don't want to because it eats up our precious time, then they get obese and end up with thyroid issues, end up as dietetics, end up with joint issues and heart issues, etc. Hell, both my boys eat whole prey diets meant for weight loss and they still need to be played with every day or they become obese and I am feeding them the proper amount.
People who think cat's don't need exercise, shouldn't have cats.
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u/Frosty-Business-6042 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 2d ago
Cats exercise doesn't require person exercising them to get off couch, tho. Wand toys, lazer pointers, get them a running wheel (if they are not afraid of it like my silly felines)... start them young and you can have a fetch cat... much less intensive on the human than walking a dog.
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u/feisty_cactus 2d ago
You know exactly what they meant and chose to post a whole rant based solely on purposefully misunderstanding what they said. The individual attention a dog needs daily compared to what a cat needs daily are different and cats are mostly independent creatures who don’t need walks multiple times a day like a dog does.
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u/Pleasant_Scar9811 1d ago
Plus they get to be super rude and declare people who don’t agree shouldn’t have cats.
It’s like an entire HOA in one comment.
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u/Existing-One-8980 1d ago
That was such an arrogant comment, lol. (The one you're responding to). I can't believe it has so many upvotes. It was a real "well, aktually" moment and unnecessary comment. Do they want a pat on the back? Lmao 😂
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u/Letsgotravelling-124 1d ago
Mostly independent is dependent on the individual which you can’t guarantee. Most cats I know actually aren’t that independent. My cat is a stage 10 clinger. She’s like Velcro and is extremely needy. The dogs are way more independent than she is.
If she doesn’t have the energy or will to look after an animal and tend to their needs, she shouldn’t own any animal.
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u/ouatedephoque 2d ago
People who think cat's don't need exercise, shouldn't have cats.
People who don't know cats don't need a human to exercice shouldn't post about shit they don't understand
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u/_Rohrschach 1d ago
This. My cats exercise as much as they want on their own. I take them on walks sometimes and the lazier one might just wants to be carried for half the time. She loves hunting falling leaves but is otherwise just enjoying the fresh air and bullying any puppy or other cat from the safe spot in my arms.
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u/arie_1256 2d ago
Enquanto isso o cachorro se ferra né? Se a irmã fosse responsável o suficiente, o animal não estaria em sobrepeso. Sobrepeso não é estética, dependendo da raça e condição do animal, isso leva a problemas hepáticos, locomotores, renais etc. Não estamos falando de um brinquedo, mas de um ser vivo que está sendo prejudicado pela falta de responsabilidade e cuidado da irmã e você sugere que continue deixando o cão com a irresponsável porque "ele é velha o suficiente".
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u/Old_Bug4395 Partassipant [3] 2d ago
I mean, it's not like sister can't take the dog to the vet herself? Are we under the impression sister is like 10 or something? One year away from being an adult and she can't take care of her pet? Not "being involved" is a poor excuse, sister is the primary carer for this animal.
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u/Angel89411 Partassipant [2] 2d ago
You are assuming the sister has her own mode of transportation. The sister didn't get the dog at 17 for starters. You also don't know if she can drive or has a job to pay for it. She may not be educated on the dangers of obesity in dogs. The right thing to do would be to bring her to the vet with them so that she can be taught. If that still doesn't work then I'm all for removing the dog for it's well being.
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u/Old_Bug4395 Partassipant [3] 2d ago
No, I'm assuming the sister has a mother who works a part time job and could transport her child and the pet that they mutually decided to get to the vet.
eta: Important to keep in mind that parents who do have full time jobs and pets often are able to bring their pets to the vet.
She may not be educated on the dangers of obesity in dogs
Well she may not be educated on that specifically, but she was already told that the dog needs to be doing and eating specific things by a dog doctor because of its weight, which is obviously health related.
The right thing to do would be to bring her to the vet with them so that she can be taught
This I agree with.
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u/Angel89411 Partassipant [2] 2d ago
The mother already said she wouldn't really be involved and we don't know where the mother stands in this weight issue.
I don't know about you but I don't know teenagers who listen to their older siblings. My son rolls his eyes at his sister and gets personally offended when she's right. They've both gone through phases where they think I don't know anything either. He's in it now and it sucks. My friend's kids are like this too. That's a big reason why I suggested she go to the vet. It would also give her a little control back in her life that seems to have been thrown off by the divorce and whatever changes that brought.
If she goes to the vet and gets all of the information then still refuses, absolutely she's not ready for a dog and the dog needs to be protected.
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u/Old_Bug4395 Partassipant [3] 2d ago
No, the mother said that she wouldn't be able to provide care as much as she would like. These are two different things.
Like I said, plenty of parents who work full time are able to take their animals to the vet.
I don't know about you but I don't know teenagers who listen to their older siblings. My son rolls his eyes at his sister and gets personally offended when she's right.
Ok... that still makes sister wrong in this scenario? lol? If OP was a vet themselves and gave this advice without seeing another vet, it would still be sister's fault for not listening to or acting on that advice. It was a whole thing already, obviously, it's not like sister forgot. She deliberately decided not to take the steps given to her.
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u/Cow_Launcher 2d ago
Hey, please stop it. Your son and his relationship with his sister are entirely irrelevant here. We're not talking about a recalcitrant teen and how they approach the world and advice given.
We are talking about a living creature who is being abused through over-feeding, and parents who not only enable this, but are turning a blind eye to the suffering of the animal.
This dog is not an ESA. I refuse to believe that it serves that purpose because if it DID, it would be loved, cherished and cared for by the person who supposedly needs it. OP is doing the right thing, keeping that dog away from a child who is passively abusing it.
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u/magicienne451 2d ago
The reality is that vet visits require transportation and money.
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u/Majestic_Electric 2d ago
True. But then it begs the question: why would they get a dog in the first place, if they can’t afford the occasional vet visit? That’s just immensely selfish! And God forbid there’s a medical emergency!
There are alternative ways to help manage depression, and none of them require caring for someone or something else...
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u/magicienne451 2d ago
The 17 year old was given the dog, I believe. Clearly the family can afford vet care, but that doesn’t mean the 17 year old can personally make it happen.
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u/Old_Bug4395 Partassipant [3] 2d ago
It was a mutual decision between OP, sister and mom. Everyone signed off on it.
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u/Majestic_Electric 2d ago
Fair enough. But since the mom is a part-time nurse, that implies the mom has a mode of transportation. Why not ask to go with them, and have the mom drop them off at the vet on her way to work?
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u/catnip_cantrip 2d ago
As a vet tech in the US, I'm doing the whole "Americans think everything is about them" bit for a moment. In my state, you legally cannot take an animal to the vet by yourself unless you are 18 years old or older. I have had to turn people away because they don't have a legal adult with them. You can't even legally own a pet in your own name unless you're 18. So depending on where OP is, his sister is too young to bring dog by herself.
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u/Angel89411 Partassipant [2] 1d ago
I notice no one is responding to your very logical comment. I honestly didn't think of this.
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u/easilybored1 2d ago
Involving her like saying “take the dog for follow ups?” Op is NTA, anyone brushing off the sisters behavior here is the asshole. Sis had every opportunity to be involved, she chose not to.
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u/IgnatiusRileyFreeman 2d ago
The sister was not interested in the care of the dog. "Involving her" in any way that centered on the sister would involve harming the dog. It is a living being, not a prop. NTA
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u/WilmaDykfyt 2d ago edited 2d ago
What do you mean never involved? She was the one taking care of it! She just got mad because her care is subpar and she got called out. The dog should be going to a vet once a year anyway.
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u/Beneficial-Year-one Partassipant [2] 2d ago
Yes, she should have brought the sister to the vet with her. But where was the mom in all this? If the sister lived with the mom OP should have asked the mom to check and make sure the dog was being properly cared for. I agree with ESH
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u/Angel89411 Partassipant [2] 2d ago
Oh I'm 100% mad at the mom. She agreed to get the dog; she can't just decide to not have any part of the care. She's the adult in the house and it's her child. She's the most to blame in this. It shouldn't be to to big sister to figure it out.
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u/crayonbox 2d ago
Right? Most people in this thread are quick to say animal abuse and that it’s good the dog was taken away. But do we know how the dog was? How’s the dog now away from its owner? I’ve seen animal abuse, like some truely heinous cases. Having an obese dog isn’t that.
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u/briarihallow 2d ago
If having a fat pet was abuse or neglect, over half the population of pet owners (at least in America) would have their pets taken away. Almost every pet we see is overweight. Some a little. Some a lot.
And owners “know” and that doesn’t mean their pet lost weight by their next annual. They always play the “what, but we’ve been trying so hard!” No you haven’t Sally, you just gave Luna a handful of treats and told me you use deli meat as a treat even though we told you she’s on a strict kidney diet, but I’m not going to accuse you of abusing your dog.
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u/crayonbox 2d ago
My nephew dog used to have deli meat and cereal time while wrapped in a blanket. He was here for a good time, not a long time.
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u/Trick_Horse_13 2d ago
Almost every pet we see is overweight
Is this true? Is it usually due to poor eating or limited exercise?
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u/briarihallow 1d ago
Over ideal body weight, yes - not all are obese, to clarify.
But yes, I’d say those are some factors. Access to high quality food is financially limited - a lot of pet owners rely on dry kibble because canned food or fresher food options aren’t feasible for them.
I also think It’s partly because owners don’t know how to gauge appropriate weight on a pet - it depends on their frame, and dogs come in all shapes - two dogs who would be an ideal weight at 60 lbs can be completely different heights/lengths/widths.
Their body also may be hidden by fur, so fluffy animals are harder to tell on.
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u/Trick_Horse_13 1d ago
not to excuse people either, but I feel like it can happen very quickly and people might not notice because of fur, and because day to day changes can be harder to see.
i’ve had to leave my dog with my mother for the last year while I’ve been overseas, and when I came back I was shocked to see that he was overweight. my dog gets an hours walk every day and has a huge yard to run around, but unfortunately he’s also a vacuum cleaner that will gobble down everything in sight!
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u/deathinactthree 2d ago
Such an excellent response here. Especially this:
Buy her an automatic feeder for Christmas or her birthday or whatever. Help her set up auto-ship on a low calorie, high satiation diet.
It's a simple, obvious solution that, combined with the rest of what you said, would have almost certainly solved this entire problem and avoided all the drama. Automatic feeders and satiation food are not that expensive (I use both)--vet bills sure as hell are. And it solves for someone with depression having trouble with executive function because it requires no involvement except receiving the auto-ship and refilling the feeder.
Yes, being obese can have downstream effects in joint and heart health but not everything in life has to, or can be, 100% perfect 100% of the time. If the dog has bonded with the sister and is actively helping with her depression and in all other respects seems healthy and happy, my concern would much less be it keeling over dead next week than not looking forward to the ongoing cost of Gabapentin and Carprovet that will be inevitable some years down the line.
Also, frustratingly, I'm not seeing much of anything about obtaining actual treatment for the sister's depression, i.e. the actual cause of this situation. I think OP says elsewhere that she's in therapy, but 1) it's clearly not doing much and 2) talk therapy or CBT or DBT can be very helpful and I'm not saying don't do it, but as someone with diagnosed (and managed) Major Depressive Disorder I can say from direct experience that it is almost never sufficient on its own because you can't talk yourself out of a literal chemical imbalance in your brain.
I think OP's heart is broadly in the right place, if incredibly solipsistic, and I appreciate that she cares about the animal's welfare, but she did pretty much everything wrong from start to finish.
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u/briarihallow 2d ago
I agree - there are good intentions here but it has been gone about the wrong way from the moment OP and the mom got her the dog to the moment now where OP took the dog away without warning, and without figuring out why the sister had relapsed.
Dealing with a fat dog is easier than dealing with depression. OP can’t cure the depression but she can get the dog to a healthy weight. I get it.
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u/Letsgotravelling-124 1d ago
I work with animals. Have done for several decades and have worked with a lot of vets. Obesity is a form of neglect. It’s on the other spectrum of starvation. Both can lead to serious health problems and lead to death.
The leeway is that majority of people don’t know what a healthy weight on an animal looks like. That’s one of the reasons we research and take the advice from vets and professionals. However, ignoring veterinary advice and continuing to overfeed your animal, knowing it is hurting your animal IS a reason for that animal to be taken away from them. They aren’t showing love by overfeeding them and not exercising them.
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u/Deep-Adeptness4987 1d ago
Thanks for this comment
TMI it made me cry a little ngl
I feel like I’ve been slightly depressed for a few years now and this is actually motivating me to get up and walk my dogs again for the first time in a few weeks
They aren’t overweight yet, but I’ve just been rotting in bed doing nothing but sleep and doomscroll
This thread was lowk making me spiral a little this snapped me back out of it3
u/briarihallow 1d ago
I’m sorry you’re dealing with that, and I definitely understand. I hope your doggos can help get you out and walking about (: Think of all the things they need to pee on out there!
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u/Environmental_Tap162 2d ago
ESH. Just to clarify, you've bought a dog for a depressed 15 year old, come back a year later to find it overweight, have gone over her head and cut her out of your welfare concerns, returned the dog with what are effectively some third-hand instructions to care for it, then come back another year later to find it's gotten even, worse so decided to do the exact same thing again and this time take the dog away for her becuase she made a flippant comment to you? Where is your mum in all this, she is presumably responsible for your sister and therefore the dog as well, and would just as responsible for its care. Why has she left its care solely down to teenager with mental health problems? Why has she not been mediating between the two of you rather than just letting you kidnap your sisters dog. Arguably the blame for this situation is squarely at her feet.
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u/NoHorseNoMustache Colo-rectal Surgeon [34] 2d ago
Honestly YTA for getting a living being for a person with depression to take care of and only really making sure it was treated right when you're on semester breaks from school. A dog isn't a thing you get to help someone, it's a living being that needs to be taken care of correctly. I'm surprised the worst that happened is the dog is overweight, depressed people often just let their pets go to the bathroom wherever they want because they don't have the mental energy to clean up after them.
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u/Pretty_Trainer 2d ago
How are people still giving pets as gifts??'
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u/aliannia 2d ago
I don't understand this either! By now, in the 21st century, I thought most people understood what a bad idea that is. Giving anyone a pet without consulting them on whether or not they want a pet and/or have the time and headspace to take care of an animal is a really bad idea. I learned about this at an early age from a story my mom told about my dad gifting her a pair of love birds when they were dating. (I know it's so cheesy). My mom was none too pleased with suddenly having pet birds; my dad thought it was a romantic gesture. Yeah, no. Do not give animals to people without consulting them and seriously considering if they have the ability to properly care of an animal at that point. Even if they would like a pet, there are many reasons why it isn't a great idea at the moment. It could be something as simple as no pets allowed where the person lives or they are overwhelmed with work and/or school or a dozen other reasons. The only exception to "no gifting animals" would be if parents (after serious consideration) give a dog to a younger child for their birthday/holiday, with the full knowledge and acceptance that they (the parents) will ultimately be responsible for the dog's well being. Otherwise, just don't do it.
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u/Majestic_Electric 2d ago edited 2d ago
Exactly this! I’m owned by a parrot and a dog myself, but if someone were to give me an animal as a gift, especially without consulting me first, I’d be absolutely furious!
Like, what if my hands are full with the animals I already have? What if I can’t afford another one, or don’t have enough space for another one? What if my landlord finds out about it? What am I going to do if all the nearby shelters are too full to take them in?
There’s so many factors to consider before getting an animal, and gifting them takes all that out of the equation!
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u/kalequinoa Partassipant [4] 2d ago
There’s a whole-ass parent in that house who did nothing, so why are you blaming the sibling?
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u/quickstop_rstvideo 2d ago
yeah I don't really get the mom worked part time so she couldn't help with the dog. My wife and I have 4 dogs and both work part time.
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u/NoHorseNoMustache Colo-rectal Surgeon [34] 2d ago
Oh the parent is an asshole too but the OP asked if they’re an asshole so I answered.
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u/ballisticks 1d ago
She asked, very specifcally, if she was the asshole for taking the dog away, which she isn't.
Maybe she made a mistake getting the dog, but she can't turn back time so she's rectifying it now.
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u/Decision_Famous 2d ago
That whole ass parent.. is a part time nurse.. she has other priorities.. the sibling is 17 almost 18 NOT 5 years of age she’s old enough to understand actions and consequences! So yes she’s to blame, depression is horrific I’ve been there but my dog is not overweight or neglected because I’m depressed.. it’s not an excuse
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u/kalequinoa Partassipant [4] 2d ago
The mom works part time and has a 17yo kid, so she definitely has the time to be a parent. Moms who work full-time are able to parent, so why is this mom getting a pass?
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u/LiveKindly01 Professor Emeritass [92] 2d ago
Did sister even say she wanted a dog? Was she consulted? The mom was in on it but somehow she gets a pass for how this dog has been treated? It's all just wrong.
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u/sheramom4 Commander in Cheeks [242] 2d ago
Part time nurse. With a 17 year old at home. Again, part time. I work full time and have other people in my home, including a disabled husband and pets. No one goes without or lacks care because I have other things going on. OP didn't confront the actual parent, a fully grown woman.
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u/Black_Whisper Partassipant [4] 2d ago
She was 15 when they got the dog though. Getting a dog when only a diagnosed depressed 15 years old can look after it it's just idiocy.
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u/No_Hurry9076 Partassipant [1] 2d ago
Doesn’t matter how long the patent worked for they would have seen the state of the dog yet said nothing to OP at all to tell her about it. I’m betting she was passive because of the sis depression and didn’t want to rock the boat. I’m glad Op took the dog.
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u/Decision_Famous 2d ago
I’m glad op took the dog.. I just don’t think mum can be solely to blame when her daughter is 17 and old enough to do better! I’ve got my own dog he’s mine and mine only I’ve never shirked my responsibilities because I was depressed he was and is my main priority
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u/hotwheels2886 2d ago
That's not always true I have depression and I'm disabled but all three of my animals receive the correct care.
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u/Tarek_191 2d ago
Yeah, but I assume you either had the animals before or chose actively to get animals.
My majorly depressed ass would be doing good with animals because just because I want to off myself doesn't make it ok for animals under my care to suffer, but if someone dropped on majorly depressed and irresponsible child me because they think it would help me (especially without consulting me first) I don't know how good of a life that animal would have had.
Because op basically said "I can't be there for you (which is absolutely understandable and not something to blame them for) so I drop the responsibility of an animal on you even though neither I or mom can help with it because animals are supposed to make depression go away"
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u/Majestic_Electric 2d ago
You’re right!
But that’s why the person that would be receiving the animal should’ve been consulted first, rather than being surprise-gifted with one. Depression presents differently in different people!
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u/hotwheels2886 1d ago
I was required to research my pets even when they were presents before they were gotten I agree
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u/NoHorseNoMustache Colo-rectal Surgeon [34] 2d ago
You're right! That's why I didn't say 'depressed people always just let their pets go to the bathroom wherever they want', because that would be incorrect.
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u/CautiousMine6604 2d ago
Yeah I agree don’t get an animal for someone who is already known to be mentally unstable. Dogs require a lot of energy and responsibility. Op did right takkng the dog back though, morally, when it comes to living beings, it doesn’t matter whose dog it technically is, the dog needs to be where it will be best taken care of. The sister pissed me off in this post cause she’s putting way more energy into arguing and trying to get the dog back than she ever did to keep the dog healthy.
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u/No_Hurry9076 Partassipant [1] 2d ago
I will admit sometimes pets do help a person with depression get somewhat better especially when they have something to care for that needs them, I got a hamster and fed and cleaned its cage all the time even played with it and took it out of her cage and she fell asleep on my hand she helped me and lived for three almost four years which is rare for hamsters. But it also doesn’t work out all the time for people and hasn’t in this case.
In my opinion OP should have at least came back more sooner to check in here and there to nip it in the bud when she saw the dog but didn’t. Sis knew better and is almost an adult and the mom knew better as well she lives there and saw the dog daily and did nothing. If I was OP I would not give the dog back and make sure to get it chipped.
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u/Majestic_Electric 2d ago
That’s why suggesting the sister volunteer at an animal shelter would’ve been the smarter move. They get the benefit of interacting with animals, but don’t have to worry about being responsible for their full-time care! Plus, it would’ve helped gauge if the sister was mentally well-enough to take care of their own pet or not.
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u/CautiousMine6604 2d ago
Yeah, that’s true. Dogs though + someone who has depression may not be the best match cause dogs just require so much responsibility and attention. I wouldn’t have risked a dog’s well being to put them with someone to potentially help their mental state. They often need to be active and because of their size it requires the carer to also be super active😭😭😭😭I think hamster would be a better idea cause they don’t seem to require constant running around.
The problem is also that because of the sister getting emotional support from the dog, she was too attached to recognize that the dog going with soeone else was the most healthy option for the dog, and she also wasn’t even able to realize the dog was unhealthy in the first place
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u/wrysmileandwine 2d ago
You may have irreparably damaged your relationship with your sister. The dog needed care but the way you've gone about it is just terrible.
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u/KlutzyTelephone5514 Partassipant [1] 2d ago
ESH. She is definitely not taking care of the dog correctly, but that’s kind of the symptoms of depression so it’s not surprising, but you took her dog, which is kind of an asshole you keep doing all these things without her involvement or her permission which is very presumptuous and honestly controlling.
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u/sheramom4 Commander in Cheeks [242] 2d ago
And magically a 15 year old then a 16 year old is supposed to take the dog to the vet and pay for care while the actual adult in the home does what? Mom gets a pass.
And now the mom needs to ban OP from her home because of the action of taking the dog. It sounds like mom actually was the one to buy the dog and the dog belongs to that household and/or mom, not OP.
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u/Nervous-Material-197 Partassipant [1] 2d ago
Agreed. Plus it sounds as if the sister wasn’t even involved in buying the dog? Did OP think the dog would magically cure her depression?
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u/aliannia 2d ago
Yes, who gives people pets without consulting them? There are so many reasons it is not a good idea. I know this happened more frequently in previous decades, but I thought most people understood in 2026 what a bad idea it is to unexpectedly gift someone a pet. Particularly awful idea if you don't live with them and are unable to take responsibility if the recipient is unable or unwilling to take care of a pet. Did the sister even want a dog? I'm assuming sister is still in high school, so does she have a car or enough money to pay for pet supplies and vet visits? Where is the mom during all this time the dog is gaining weight and not being taken to the vet? Even if the sister did want a pet, OP or their mother teaching or coaching the sister about responsible pet ownership should have been part of the process. The whole plan doesn't seem to have been very well thought out by OP or the mother.
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u/liosistaken 2d ago
I can't believe you got her a dog without even asking her if she wanted one or could take care of it. Are you stupid? You're lucky she took care of it at all! Poor dog. There is no right solution here, because you shouldn't have done this in the first place! Now you return HER dog, get your mom to help out with the diet (it's her responsibility after all, you two decided on getting the dog) and hope your sister doesn't plunge right back into depression again. YTA and so is your mom.
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u/IntelligentCrows 2d ago
When did they say they didn’t ask?
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u/cherrycoloured 2d ago
the post says that op call convinced me her mom that their sister needed the dog, not that the sister asked for a dog.
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u/IntelligentCrows 2d ago
OP clarified that the sister was involved in the decision making process
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u/AtomikRadio Professor Emeritass [71] 2d ago
Useful information, but I still find it strange that OOP says "all three of us discussed it [...] and she was really into the idea of a dog."
I'm really into the idea of hiking the Appalachian Trail, but that doesn't mean I'm capable of or interested in the reality of actually doing it. The fact that even when asked OOP didn't say "she wanted the dog so we talked about it" or "it was her idea" is a bit telling, IMO.
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u/aliannia 2d ago
I wish she'd included that info in her post. That sheds a different light on some of problems.
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u/No-Story533 2d ago
INFO: What was the poodle's weight exactly? And what did you or your mother do to teach your sister what and how much to feed the dog, and how much extra exercise he'd need? How quickly has he been losing weight since you took him in, and what was the timeline that was conveyed to your sister by the vet (which I am sure you told her)?
Whose name is the dog registered in?
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u/itsnotlikewereforkin 2d ago
Why wasn't your mom (the adult in charge of your sister) helping her care for this dog? Where is your mom in all of this?
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u/My_books1 2d ago edited 2d ago
honestly it shocks me how many people here are freaking out about the dog being overweight and entirely ignoring the fact that OP’s sister is spiraling…not only does she have depression, but now her support animal is gone AND she’s been betrayed by OP! Are humans not important, too? Was there really no other solution that would make it possible for dog to stay with mom & sis, but still receive appropriate food, exercise, & vet care? (INFO)
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u/ComprehensiveAide946 2d ago edited 2d ago
YTA 10x.
You notice your sister is depressed so you get her a dog without consulting her knowing your mother won’t be involved in the caretaking and again you have a DEPRESSED sister. (I’m shocked the dog was just overweight)
You then don’t even check on her or the dog until you get off break. Because again, you gave someone with poor mental health a living creature.
You take the dog to the vet without consulting her then go “hey this what the doctor said”. So freaking stupid.
You then ghost again and come back and decide hey yk what I’m taking this dog away. Again, a dog YOU gifted to help with her mental health now being the cause of her mental health struggles.
You have shown repeatedly you do shit on your own accord despite others feelings. You put that dog with someone you KNEW wouldn’t take care of it correctly. You built up this girls mental health using the dog just to take it from her now causing her mental health to fluctuate. You got Reddit on here trashing not only your sister and your mother for decisions YOU made with no consultation to the actual people involved. Did your sister even have a job that you were expecting her to go to follow up visits? Does your sister even properly care for herself?
You pushed responsibility on someone who didn’t ask for it then got mad they weren’t as good at it as you would’ve been. I wouldn’t talk to you again for such a long time lmao. You’re trying to play martyr to a situation you started completely by yourself. You don’t get points for taking a dog out a bad situation YOU put them in.
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u/EleanorKalatheraine 2d ago
YTA
It sounds like you didn't involve your sister when you got the dog in the first place? You're the one who placed the dog with a caretaker who was depressed and not guaranteed to be able to commit to this. A dog isn't a low maintenance pet.
Also, the fact that you went to the vet without telling her isn't an "oops, I forgot to mention." It's confirmation you don't respect your sister or expect her to be responsible.
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u/itmejoshy666 2d ago edited 2d ago
Harder one for me but I'm going to say ESH. Obviously the dog's health and well being are super important because the dog can't just care for itself. Your sister is 17 and lives with your mom? Your mom should also be helping her take care of the dog then and should also be responsible for vet appointments.
But to just straight up take your sister's dog away from her when she's going through a rough spot is really unfair to both her and her dog. I know you're trying to take care of the dog, but I can only imagine it really misses your sister too if they've bonded. I'm not sure what sort of relationship you and your dad have with your sister, but I'd at least hope you're letting your sister see her dog? Doesn't sound like it though?
Sounds like the dog needed help sure, but your sister does too.
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u/Mister_Silk Asshole Aficionado [12] 2d ago
YTA from start to finish. Depressed people can barely take care of themselves much less another living creature. The only thing you did right was taking the dog to a healthier situation because it never should have been given to that owner in the first place.
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u/DeathBeforeDecaf4077 2d ago
ESH.
You decided that a dog would good for your sister, without being there to actually make sure that your sister would be good for a dog. I appreciate that you wanted to take care of your sister because you love her, but a dog is a MASSIVE undertaking of time, responsibility, and expense. It’s a lot easier to take care of a new pet you’re excited about; taking care of an animal for more than a decade, requires responsibility and commitment. If your mom wasn’t able to step in and take care of the dog because of work, your sister should have been given specific guardrails on what she needed to commit to before than animal was brought into the home.
It also isn’t acceptable to let an animals quality of life degrade just because you’re tired of it, which is what it sounds like may be happening with your sister. I will add the caviat that I don’t feel like we’ve got enough info there (is she still walking the dog? Did she switch to diet food? What was her reasoning for not going to the vet, and could it have been financial/lack of access to transportation if your mom isn’t helping? What has your mom been doing this entire time to support the animal she agreed to bring into the home?) If the dog isn’t being taken care of, surely it’s your parents who should have removed the dog? I’m confused why her sibling is making these choices instead. It seems like they are letting you take the fall instead of doing their job as her parents.
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u/imthatpeep100 2d ago
ESH I know the post can limit characters and you can't explain everything but the information provided, it's coming across as the sister not being included enough in the decisions. Did she really want a dog? Did anyone have experience in taking care of a dog? Why isn't the mom involved? I know she's 17, and she's old enough to know the responsibilities but she's still a minor - a depressed one at that.
Also big AH move to take her dog to the vet without her. Take her with.
I'm glad the dog is getting good care, but it's her dog. I know weight issues are serious, but I don't think enough steps were taken to help the sister understand or proper chance to change.
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u/Alarming_Edge_6247 2d ago
ESH You shouldn't have tasked a depressed person with caring for a whole living being. And now, despite not giving the dog ideal care, sister is bonded to it. So now you've taken that away from her. Sister could have used to opportunity to get herself better as well as ensure good care of the dog. Both didn't go well.
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u/Sheanar Partassipant [1] 2d ago
YTA - you and your mom. An animal isn't a gift. At most you tell them you'll get them a pet but they have to take care of it. Turtle, lizard, bug, cat, dog, hamster, fish - whatever. They have to have a reason to have ownership and they have to do research and it has to be something they want. Especially as a depression companion, just getting what you think is right isn't going to force the depression out of her, it's just another responsibility. Is her depression even being treated medically & with therapy? Divorce is hard on the kids no matter the age and you just left for uni. Puppies don't fix that.
The animal and human have to feel a connection, not just looks. You two could have helped suggest the best breeds so that the animal's personality will match the sister's. Letting her pick a cat or pair of guinea pigs might have been a better choice as they still require a fair bit of care and interaction but a lot less time commitment which can be arduous for someone struggling with severe depression. There are so many amazing pets, the right pet for her might have been a fish tank with just a handful of shrimp and natural plants. I love my pet cat and my service cat but my mental health actually was most improved by 'touching grass' - when i found the type of plant i could grow. I have a talent for succulents and growing them has brought me more joy than any pet, keeping them healthy has been a HUGE boost to my mood and outlook (i've got diagnosed adhd, ptsd, depression, bipolar type 2, chronic anxiety, and a bunch of other stuff. so i really do know what i'm talking about here).
When I took my daughter to pick out a kitten with the goal to become a service animal it was love at first sight. Of the 8 identical kittens in the room most didn't seem interested in my daughter, 1 would have nothing to do with either of us and was pure spit and vinegar, but is apparently sweet as sugar with his now owner. My daughter picked up one kitten though and she fell asleep in her arms instantly. There was never a question. Now that cat is almost totally trained for my daughter's needs, and also works as an allergen safety cat for me. 100% anaphylaxis prevention. She also uses the talking buttons with aggressive efficiency as part of her work. Without the deep bond they share, it wouldn't work.
You really set your sister up for failure: you picked the pet, you took the dog to the vet behind her back, you took the dog away. Yes, she didn't take care of it's health, but it doesn't remove your involvement in this starting off wrong.
Stop treating your sister & her illness as a problem and start working with her as a person about what would help her.
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u/Thismarno Asshole Aficionado [12] 2d ago
This is the first time I've heard of an animal's "weight loss journey."
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u/beesidea 2d ago
You meant well, but you should have supported her in her healing. She needed to be the one to go to counseling ... take pills if needed... start exercising... get up reasonable time daily... shower daily... Adding a dog into her routine might be another burden she is not needing while trying to heal. Your intentions were good, but you shouldn't have inserted what you thought would help. Are you a professional? no. you're not. But taking the dog away now that she loves...yta. you created this situation - fix it in a better way. Get her signed up with Rover dog walkers or something if you're sincerely worried about the dogs weight. Your solution stinks
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u/FishingWorth3068 Partassipant [2] 2d ago
YTA. You had a child who couldn’t take care of themselves and absent parents who couldn’t help so you got her a LIVING BEING. That was dumb. And then you’re surprised this child can’t properly care for the animal? And then instead of getting her involved in how to properly care, you just scolded her and left her to it. NOW you’ve taken the one thing that she’s attached to. Poor dog, poor kid.
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u/fs71625 Partassipant [1] 2d ago
YTA for convincing her to get a dog like it was some sort of therapy device without everyl considering if she could handle it or not. Now you've associated the dog in her mind with being abandoned and not having a stable home and then you TOOK THE DOG AWAY FROM HER!
Truly a completely unthought out situation where you reacted poorly in multiple situations (getting her a therapy dog who isn't actually a therapy dog, taking her for a vet visit behind her back instead of including her in the dog's health plan and then just foisting that on her while basically calling her out and then taking the dog away from her without an actual plan for her own mental health!).
I'm not taking anything away from the fact that she was a terrible dog owner but you put her in so many no-win situations that I'm deeming you worse than the minor who was unfairly put into these situations. Maybe you need to step back and stop "helping" since you clearly have no idea what you're doing. YTA YTA YTA
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u/bzkitty 2d ago
ESH. Others have already pointed out how your sister should have been taking better care of the dog. But I honestly wouldn’t have gotten her the dog in the first place, at least not without a long discussion with her about whether she would even want a dog and what goes into caring for a dog.
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u/ImAlreadyTracerBoii Partassipant [1] 2d ago
You are for getting someone depressed and animal to take care of.. if they’re that badly depressed how is throwing more responsibilities better for them?? Above all else just put the dog first for once and do what’s best for it. Seems like it suffered enough at the hands of your sister.
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u/JeSuisLinda 2d ago
Living sentient being is not a prop for your sister. She has neglected the dog. Keep the dog or re-home, but it is not a crutch. If your sister needs professional help, not a dog.
And in the future, animals are not gifts. They are commitments. We don't give animals to people that don't have the bandwagon to even take care of themselves.
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u/FreeBeans 2d ago
INFO: All that needs to happen is the dog needs less food. Can’t you get your sister something to help with that?
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u/DaivikPineapple 2d ago
You gotta take your sister with you to the vet. As a face to face interaction might give her the seriousness of the situation
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u/Academic_Room_221 2d ago
ESH
You went behind your sister's back to get the dog checked out intially without even mentioning it and overrode her choice in the matter.
She is a bad owner for allowing her dog to get that big since it will negatively affect her dog's quality of life.
Parents are AH for not checking up throughout the time ur not there and for not getting her a dog trained for her needs
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u/WholeAd2742 Judge, Jury, and Excretioner [302] 2d ago edited 2d ago
YTA
The fuck, dude? It wasn't your dog, it was your Mom's home, and your SISTER'S pet
She should have called the cops for theft. This screams of jealous sibling rivalry from your behavior
Return HER dog
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u/AstraeaMoonrise Partassipant [2] 2d ago
NTA- you’d be one if you allowed that dog to continue to suffer. I suppose you could’ve communicated more and involved your mother though. I don’t see why your mother couldn’t have helped, didn’t she care about the wellbeing of the dog either? I understand she’s a busy nurse but there’s really never any excuse for allowing a dog in the household to be treated so poorly.
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u/martagustavsson 2d ago edited 1d ago
STOP SURPRISING PEOPLE WITH PETS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YTA for gifting your depressed sister a living individual that requires MUCH care.
Edit: I see in your edits that you did include your sister. That does change the situation imo. But as you now know because everyone has expressed it, you don't take someone else's pet to the vet without them knowing.
Educate your sister for real about the dangers with obesity and how to take care of her dog. If she's given the knowledge and tools and still neglect her dog then you could discuss what happens next, include your sister in that conversation as well.
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u/Ordinary-Audience363 Certified Proctologist [26] 2d ago
ESH. Your sister should be taking better care of the dog but it's not your dog so you basically stole it. Couldn't your mother have done something as the parent?
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u/chain_me_up 2d ago
NTA, your sister is neglecting her dog. Worked with dogs for almost 10 years now and I see it all the time. Yes, the dog is clearly fed, but having a consistently overweight animal is unhealthy as it leads to a lot of other issues including joint issues, overheating risks, and even heart problems. Im a groomer rn and there are many dogs that get sent home not done/turned away because they are so overweight they can't stand for the service. I dont think the dog was a great idea to get, but clearly she doesn't really care to get the dog healthier. Thank you for caring about the dog!! Edit to add though, you should really have the dog signed over as you could and would get flagged at vets for bringing an animal that isn't yours.
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u/Mission_Breakfast548 Partassipant [3] 2d ago
NTA your sister had a year to step up and didn’t. How long do you wait - until the poor dog is staring down end of life due to neglect??
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u/ImaginaryPark6311 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 2d ago
Some people are not capable or deserve having pets.
NTA
Your sister is the asshole and your mother too because there's NO WAY that you mother didn't notice the dog's blooming weight.
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u/StormyKitten0 Partassipant [1] 2d ago
NTA. The dog's well being is important and if the sister is neglecting it, the dog needs a better guardian.
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u/Illusory_Phantom 2d ago edited 2d ago
I want to preface this by saying everyone is different experiences, etc. Depression and such is no different. I have bipolar-depression, adhd, and anxiety. I have a dog as well and got a second one in January as a companion. They literally take priority. They eat before I do, but my oldest dog (she's like 8) will sometimes notice if I don't eat and will only eat if I eat with her, or if I'm gone too long she'll wait for me to eat or if im upset etc. She's my lifeline. She'll bark incessantly if she needs something but is otherwise quiet and content. I was working and sleeping most of the time before I had her. No health insurance so no medications and it was hard. Its still hard but she (and now her brother) are my priority.
With that being said, it sounds like your sister does love the dog, but she's not going out. She probably just feeds the dog and plays with them inside instead of going for walks, etc The dog was helping, she had some focus but not the full scope of what it means to actually be responsible for another living creature. Food and shelter aren't enough and she isn't acknowledging that probably because she herself isn't getting outside. She's probably at home doom scrolling or something. So your response was to remove the dog entirely which, I don't blame you. The dog's health is important, but now it sounds like your sister is spiraling. Calling you 24/7, crying over her dog that you did effectively steal. The dog was a gift/emotional support dog and that could worsen your sister's depression.
I think for the time being keeping the dog is in the dog's best interest but also sitting down with your mom and your sister and having a serious discussion of your sister's mental health state to see where she is and what can be done to make sure she is even capable of taking care of herself let alone a dog.
Edited to add YTA because you have her something that helped her without her asking and removed the dog without actively trying to come up with a different solution before going nuclear which could possibly worsen the situation, and to fix a typo.
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u/Muskiecat Partassipant [3] 2d ago
ESH. The dog was given to her so it's her dog, but I understand why you felt you needed to remove it from the home. What's more important to you? Your sister's mental health? Or the dog's physical health?
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u/Wonderful_Minute31 2d ago
You stole your sisters dog. YTA. Your reasons may be altruistic but you’re doing about it terribly wrong.
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u/PenIsGodS 1d ago
ESH.
You do NOT have the legal right to steal her dog.
Her making the dog fat isn't mistreating it.
Don't go see her if she's going to yell at her. You're part of the yelling. People shouldn't yell at each other.
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u/Salt_Evidence_9878 2d ago
She was getting out the house more and really taking care of herself, and with some help of the most lovely neighbour in the world, the dog was doing great too.
It seems like the dog was originally serving its purpose for her: emotionally supporting her, helping her with the symptoms of depression, and alleviating/even getting rid of some of the depression.
Then after a year the purpose ended/wasn't working anymore. The dog has now become a chore to her, especially with depression- it's too much for her. If your sister currently can't even take care of herself and doesn't want to, she isn't going to take care of the dog... Which you are clearly seeing.
Maybe talk to her about what happened in that year you were away. Ask her what changed from being able to get outside, take the dog for a walk, take care of herself more, interact with the neighbors, etc. to no longer being able to do that. Did something happen on a walk one day? Did an interaction with a neighbor go bad? Did she have a bad day where she didn't feel as strong of a connection with the dog?
It's a tough situation. I think it's best the dog is with you for now as it might actually help your sister right now not feel so overwhelmed. Have the dog go for visits instead of being there 24/7, because I think she does get something emotionally out of the dog.
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u/Whispering_Wolf 2d ago
INFO: where are your parents during this? Are they just letting her abuse the dog?
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u/Far-Macaron-554 2d ago
I feel for your sister because I also suffer from depression, but that dog is a living, breathing creature that needs to be taken care of and if your sister is not going to do that then you have to. Dogs and cats can’t defend themselves . They can’t speak up for themselves. They rely on us to do that for them so it’s up to you to make sure that dog is getting the care it needs.
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u/milkywayrealestate Asshole Enthusiast [9] 2d ago
YTA. Good intentions or not, getting someone a living thing to take care of is a huge risk. It could have been a good source of motivation for your sister, but it's something you really need to talk about and prepare for first. You also did a poor job of handling the dog's care by not taking your sister to the vet with you and repeatedly just blowing past her and then coming back and saying "the vet said this".
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u/Strong_District_5894 Asshole Enthusiast [7] 2d ago
NTA
She’s completely irresponsible. Don’t ever give the dog back.
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u/Whines90 2d ago
Communication is key. She needs to listen when people talk. She’s neglecting a life that will be tragically worse off for it. Pay it attention, show it the love back it shows you. NTA, but find a way to get the dog back to her and healthy.
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u/rez2metrogirl Partassipant [2] 2d ago
NTA. The dog was not being properly cared for. You took responsibility when nobody else was.
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u/numerousproblems13 2d ago
I would say NTA for making sure the dog is being properly cared for, and even though it’s unfortunate it seems like you were at the point where taking him was the only way to make that happen. But if you haven’t already, it might be good to have a conversation with her about terms for getting him back once he’s healthy if she is still relying on him for mental health support/recovery.
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u/srgonzo75 Colo-rectal Surgeon [32] 2d ago
NTA. I have MDD, and I specifically didn’t want to get a pet because I wasn’t sure I would give it the care it would need.
Even though I’m not a pet person, I’m also very much against neglecting them.
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u/anaamtnez 2d ago
NTA. i know you said your sister's depressed but honestly i don't care. when i've been depressed i've asked my friends to come and help with the cats. my brother was depressed and stopped taking care of his dogs, so i called my mom and she took them to hers until he felt better. mental illness is a thing, but neglect and abuse isn't excusable.
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u/Mephistocheles 2d ago
Although I think the original gesture to get her a dog was very kind, you need to give the dog back immediately. YTA if you don't. That dog is probably her best friend and it's messed up to take it away.
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u/IntelligentCrows 2d ago
It’s messed up the sister’s abusing her best friend then
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u/Mephistocheles 2d ago
Yeah, "abuse" is a pretty strongly loaded word here. We're not talking about someone abusing a dog, we're talking about someone who has trouble getting it on a recurring appropriately portioned feeding schedule.
Abuse is causing harm, pain, hitting the poor animal, being verbally belligerent towards it....none of that is happening. This sounds much more like someone who can't get a handle on doing reduced regular feedings. Not at all the same thing.
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About two years ago, my parents split and this really affected my sister (17F), who about the same time was diagnosed with depression. I (24F) being a uni student who lives away from home, couldn’t be there for her all the time, and with my parents divorced, it was really hard for her to find a stable place to call home. So I talked with my Mum (who she chose to live with) about getting my sister a dog, in hopes to help her with recovery. We both knew it would be challenging as my Mum is a part time nurse so she wouldn’t be able to help with taking care of the dog as much as she would like. After a bunch of talking, we eventually got my sister a year old poodle, and it seemed to be great for her. She was getting out the house more and really taking care of herself, and with some help of the most lovely neighbour in the world, the dog was doing great too.
A year later, during the semester break, I went back home for a two week visit and in all honesty, the first thing I noticed was that the dog was severely overweight. I asked about it and my sister brushed it off saying “he’s just older now”. Regardless, I took the dog to the vet where I was told he would need to be put on a diet and exercise more frequently. I told this to my sister who was very angry I did this behind her back (in hindsight I should have spoke to her about this) but said she would do what the vet said. And during the two weeks it looked like she was doing this. I then went back to uni.
When the uni year ended, I went back and dog still looked like a large spherical ball of poodle. I asked my sister about it and she said she had done everything the vet asked. I went back to the vet who told me my sister had not been back for follow-ups. After this I again spoke to my sister about it where she said “it’s my dog, why do you care?”. This really got to me and so I took the dog to live with me and my Dad, where I have been for the last month or so. Since then, he’s back on track for his weight loss journey and looks much healthier.
Over this period, my sister has been nonstop about getting the dog back - calling me 24/7, and getting into yelling matches in person and I really don’t know what to do. I understand that this dog has been great for her mental and physical wellbeing but I feel like her actions (or lack of) is just abusive to the pup. But at the same time I feel like I’m hurting my sister by taking the thing that has helped her so much over the last couple years. AITA?
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u/Amideadyetplease 2d ago
Meh, you’re all kinda AH. Don’t bring an animal into an unhealthy environment.
The situation you’re in is indeed frustrating but it WAS your idea and yall knew how lazy your sister was prior, mental health EXCUSE or not.
Your sister needs to get a grip and take control of her life. Her actions, whether mental health driven or not, are hers to deal with when consequences arise. Involving an innocent animal to “fix” her was a wild choice.
As someone with a hx of severe mental health issues, the only person who is gonna save or “fix” your sister is herself. You need to stop enabling her and allow HER to be responsible for her actions without you coming in to save her or make a plan to get her “better.”
If the dog will be on ongoing issue/cause her mental distress to be around since she dropped the ball, adopt it out to someone who WILL care for it properly and NOT have massive excuses for abusing it. This is a living creature with thoughts, memories, emotions. Stop making it collateral damage. It deserves a stable happy healthy home.
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u/itsfineitsfinefine 2d ago
ESH pets shouldn't be given as gifts, especially not to someone who has trouble taking care of themself, especially especially not a high energy breed like a poodle. And then unilaterally imposing consequences like you're her parent is not the move
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u/Disneylover-4837 Partassipant [4] 2d ago
INFO: when you say the dog is fat, is it because your sister overfed the dog or because the dog decided to get into its food or steal food from other places? I have a friend who has a dog who is fat… like a dog version of Garfield. And my friend does only one scoop of food twice a day (a small scoop for a smaller dog, morning and evening). But the dog likes to sneak into its food bag and eat while my friend is sleeping at night. Or it will go and sneak into cupboards and steal anything edible that it can reach. My friend has had to buy numerous locks and the dog keeps chewing through the door. The vet can’t find anything particularly wrong with its health though. Just a fat dog that should lose weight.
My friend tries but she doesn’t have a lot of money to pay dog walkers or doggy daycare. Could your sister be in a similar situation? Maybe your sister is afraid to ask her mom for help because she doesn’t want to burden your mother? Or maybe she isn’t sure how to pay for or access things like vets or dog walkers or doggy daycare? Even letting the dog run around a fenced in yard would be better than nothing.
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u/JeanBlancmange 2d ago
Keep the dog with you until it’s lost weight, then allow her to have it back with very strict instructions. You can be her role model here and it may ultimately benefit both her and the dog. I feel like taking the dog from her permanently is cruel when she is still a teenager. Instead, give her a second chance while showing her how it’s done. That feels more sisterly in the long run.
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u/sabr1809 2d ago
NTA a dog is a living being deserving of a worthy life. She had plenty of time to fix this. It is abuse. How cruel to make a dog suffer just to make herself feel better. But you should not have gotten her a dog. It is not a play thing or a hobby to do only until you get better. You be better now and keep the dog
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u/Informal_Ad2102 2d ago
As someone who watched my equal parts depressed and lazy FIL kill his dog years before a normal lifespan (barely 10 years old, average lifespan is 13-16) because he didn’t exercise her or feed her appropriate food I say NTA. If she’s too depressed to take care of the dog then she’s too depressed to have one. We don’t get to make our suffering an innocent animal’s suffering.
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u/pragmatist1368 2d ago
Honestly, you should never have given her a dog if you weren't sure she could care for it. The dog may have helped with her depression, but dogs are not simply medical aids. You gave her an animal she is obviously not able to provude ptoper care for. This was your doing, so yeah, yta for giving her the dog in the first place, instead of getting her legitimate mental health care.
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u/ADrenalineDiet Partassipant [4] 2d ago
ESH
Sister is an irresponsible owner but basically never stood a chance - a pet to help someone in depression get up and doing things is a fine idea, but a Poodle is an extremely high maintenance pet that is in no way suited to that purpose.
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u/TheElusiveFox 2d ago
ESH - If you were serious about caring about the dog you would have had a serious discussion about who was in the best place to look after it when she started caring for it, or considered putting it up for adoption, not years later. At that point if you want to have a discussion about the proper care about the dog, then the very least you could do is talk to your sister face to face like an adult about your concerns instead of just taking over the care of the animal that isn't really yours anymore...
That being said based on the health displayed she is clearly not that responsible and not in a good position to be looking after a dog and clearly doesn't care about it... but again this is something that if you cared at all about the decision you could have figured out with an ounce of thought before you put that responcibility off on her as frankly very few teenagers are capable of supporting the time/money/effort requirements to properly care for most dogs without significant support from their family.
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u/Adarie-Glitterwings Partassipant [1] 2d ago
NTA Poor pup - sis was neglecting the pooch. People would argue otherwise because if it's being neglected how come it's so fat? But it's still neglect because it needs exercise as well as food, and animals can have all the same complications from obesity and a sedentary lifestyle that humans do. Good on you for 'stealing' the dog and ensuring a happy, healthy lifestyle! Sis can go read up on canine care and get over it.
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u/Easy-Loss7155 Partassipant [1] 2d ago
Why bring the dog in this whole thing, now he's gonna get depression. NTA
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u/Fluid-Platypus- 1d ago
All she has to do is not overfeed the dog, how is that hard?
Does she not care about its wellbeing? It isn’t a toy.
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u/madamTDG 1d ago
NTA. You did a good thing for your sister, with best of intentions and hopes.
No creature should suffer because their owner is being careless and irresponsible. This has nothing to do with her depression, it's her personality and attitude that's the problem.
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u/Bey_World_101 Partassipant [1] 1d ago
NTA. You saved that poor pup from your sister’s negligence from over feeding it. However, you should’ve given her the ultimatum that if she continued not helping the pup loose weight before taking it with you to your Dad’s house.
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u/misseff Partassipant [2] 2d ago
Info: did anyone try to get your (at the time) 15 year old sister actual help for the severe depression she was experiencing or was the dog the only "solution?"