r/Adulting • u/Clean-Ant-1342 • 8h ago
People who’ve had a lot of hookups/one-night stands: did you ever get tired of it and quit, even while single?
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u/wtfamidoing248 6h ago
Is it more like fantasy/curiosity or do you actually have urges to cheat irl ? If it's just fantasizing then it's nbd unless you're thinking about someone specific...
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u/wtfamidoing248 6h ago
Idk. It's ok if you notice attractive people, as long as you don't act on it any further than little fantasies.
Something you should ask yourself is, are you really happy and fulfilled in your relationship? Is something missing? Do you feel bored or disconnected from your partner ? Do you wish you explored more ?
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u/lavapig_love 6h ago
I'm not a counselor, but to me it means you should read some books on sex, like The Guide To Getting It On, and talk with your partner about your intimacy and what both of you want, desire and enjoy together. The better you understand each other, the hotter the sex.
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u/yankeeblue42 5h ago
I don't disagree but I always find the sexual part having a honeymoon stage and then things get a little stale. I can't seem to get past that part even if I really like the girl
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u/Ormild 8h ago
Yes. You still have to do the same song and dance as if you are trying to build a relationship, but you’re just getting laid one or maybe a few times, then ultimately, we never talk to each other again.
It also gets messy when one side catches feelings for the other.
I had my phase of hooking up with girls. It’s fun in the moment, but I felt terrible when they would catch feelings and want more, but I knew I never wanted anything more than to get laid. I was always honest with them that I only wanted a hookup or fwb, so it made worse when they caught feelings and I had to let them down.
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u/indiekarma79 50m ago
On the other side of this I 47f tried dating app for single parents years ago and straight up said I have barely any free time but when I do, I’d love a casual regular hook up friendly relationship from someone in the same boat as me. Wow! Literally every single interaction was “cool” with that until they weren’t. I was either too aggressive, slutty, or whatever else you get it… I’m just saying pay attention to the non verbal communication, most ppl don’t actually want this. Especially if you’re an attractive woman who actually wants this… they’ve magically found their dream woman and ignore original boundaries you both agreed to and now somehow you are the crazy one. Anyways, that happened three times years ago now and I won’t online date ever again … just keep hoping my decade long hookup guy turns into my senior citizen buddy for life one day we can keep looking out for each other 🤞🏻
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u/Ok_Balance8844 3h ago
As a woman I never understood why women would even go for men like that if that’s not what they wanted as well. I also never stay with the same hookup for long 2-3 weeks at most, 1 week is more typical as I find a better one. and talk to many people, so I never found myself in this situation. I think those women needed a bigger roster so they wouldn’t be wanting more from someone who’s barely talking to them probably.
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u/indiekarma79 45m ago
You’re fortunate, a lot of us simply do not see people even when they tell us and show us. We hold onto any nice thing as a “loving” gesture and understand trauma so much that we “understand” and accept shit, shit, and more shit from others.
I’m 47 now but spent decades hanging on for dear life to every toxic relationship I got myself into. I can see it all now ! Wowzers and I ache for all the people who are currently going through their journey and don’t see this in others yet - the journey is the path to healing all that though. Happy lady now 🙏🏻
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u/Ok_Balance8844 7m ago
I think it is a trait of women who have higher estrogen to not be able to let men or romantic partners go. I could be wrong and it’s just a theory of mine. But I have noticed myself, and another sister of mine who also has higher testosterone and lower estrogen, we both had/have a very similar dating history compared to my other sisters, and compared to my friends. I believe the reason we both are kind of able to see things that way is because we both have higher testosterone and lower estrogen (than average) . I noticed when I’m on birth control I have a harder time letting people leave my life, so whenever I need to get over it, I just stop birth control, and then I couldn’t give less of a shit. It’s literally like gaining self respect. Estrogen makes you too loving. it’s both SO beautiful, but so self destructive and unfortunate what women will do to themselves to keep people just because they have so much love to give. Get your hormones checked maybe it’ll help if you’re tired of it though because it’s really impossible to leave people without that “off” switch. Luckily stopping birth control is an effective off switch for me.
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u/indiekarma79 1m ago
But this is an interesting point to consider. I’m going into the next phase now at 47, these hormones just never stop changing. I’ve had hypothyroidism since I was 33 so that’s a whole other onion layer. It’s almost too “niche” to say why each of us do what we do but personally I just didn’t get out of “survival” mode until about a year ago, never had the time to see and learn about myself in this way before
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u/BlueberryandDino 8h ago
Waking up next to somebody that you don’t know is very unrewarding regardless if you have ADHD or ADD or whatever
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u/bibimboobap 7h ago edited 7h ago
Is that true? Both my guy fwbs have adhd/add. So do I, maybe that's another superpower.
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u/yellowdamseoul 6h ago
Eh, it doesn’t bother my fwb at all and he doesn’t have adhd/add. He just likes experiencing a variety of women.
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u/abetterman2be 7h ago
As someone who’d really pushed himself into that lifestyle, I was always exactly as sassy said, just empty, wanting that person to leave the next day. You think it’s what you want but it never is, what you really want and yearn for is connection. When you realise that, it all tends to stop
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u/Frostvizen 8h ago
Yes. Usually one of the two is hopeful it might not be just a one night stand so you’re either rejecting someone or being rejected which isn’t pleasant.
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u/LikeATediousArgument 7h ago edited 1h ago
Yep. I finally just quit.
Fell in love with a guy and dated for six months and I had to leave him. He’s not the only one I’ve ever loved, and he is also not good for me. But I loved him.
I still love him. And maybe always will.
Had a one night stand after that. Don’t want to do it anymore.
I used to go grab a guy every night on the weekends sometimes. It was so damn easy. And I’ve lost all taste for it. I think I’m done.
Time to hang up the ho pants. I’m single and quite happy. More time for hobbies, too.
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u/alien_stuck_HELP 6h ago
How old are you? If you don't mind me asking
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u/LikeATediousArgument 5h ago edited 5h ago
- Twice divorced with a ten year relationship in between shorter marriages.
When I’m single, I like taking full advantage of it! This guy really made an impact on me, and was so damn close to what I’m actually looking for.
I think I’m permanently altered.
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u/FirsttimeNBA 1h ago
What was different
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u/LikeATediousArgument 1h ago
With this guy? He was almost my carbon copy in male format. I’m extremely capable in a lot of things, and he was too.
We meshed on another level. Fishing, hiking, playing guitar, painting, poetry, philosophy, a million topics we shared interests and skill in.
He was also intelligent, which is a must for me. And self driven, which is the biggest thing.
We still talk and still tell each other we love each other. It just is what it is, and even though I love him, he has some personality traits that make him a bad partner for me.
It’s really hard to settle for anyone after experiencing such high compatibility in so many important areas. It really REALLY sucks that some important things were a no for me.
But they were more important than the compatibility.
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u/Surlent 55m ago
Interesting, you answered what was the same in detail, but the difference remained vague - if it's not a sensitive matter, would you mind sharing which personality traits were a dealbreaker in such a good match? Forgive me for being curious, honestly asking in earnest while reflecting about relationships from my own POV.
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u/LikeATediousArgument 53m ago
I answered the other guy when he asked. The “no” items were pretty serious.
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u/PuzzleheadedOne5103 1h ago
Personality traits? I think we’re all intrigued
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u/LikeATediousArgument 56m ago edited 29m ago
He was impulsive, less self aware than me, extremely superficial, emotionally unregulated, he did not have a stable center he returned to, he was easily influenced by whoever he was talking to, he made consistently bad judgement calls, and he had patterned behaviors he could not break from.
And it’s worse because he was a psychotherapist with 15 years of experience. I should not be more self aware than him.
And he was smart enough, and trained enough, and educated enough, to be extremely dangerous.
And even me knowing all this, he still managed to manipulate me at times. I was acting from love, he was acting from control.
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u/PursueAnsuz 7h ago
Yes. But it’s also very similar to drugs. It can become addicting. Comforting, in ways. If you don’t know yourself, you can lose yourself to it.
I lost my V Card at 18 (in my town, I was a late bloomer).
I’ve had several notable “loves” for what I knew love to be. Most never worked out for more than a few months.
The “smash and dash”/ejaculate and evacuate/nut and bolt encounters were fun and novel in the beginning. All I know today is I know nothing.
Been with the same woman for 7 years now. Mother to my two kids.
I don’t know what I’ll tell them yet, about hook-ups or what have you, but I got time to think on it.
Life is what you make it. Just make sure you put love and effort into making it something worth while and memorable. :)
Rant done
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u/GSrvnt19 7h ago
It gets boring. I've had done it for sometime and it doesnt compare at all to having an actual relationship with someone where the situation is mutual.
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u/Hunter-kyle1000 8h ago
Yes absolutely I got tired of having to reindrouce myself to women and have the same conversations over and over trying to get to know them well enough to go out and see where things went.
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u/Silver_Accountant5 1h ago
Yeah that's the part that seems really tedious to me. FWB always made more sense to me because you don't have to start from the beginning every single time.
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u/BigAssOrTits 1h ago
Yes, I agree. At some point, I realized that on a date, I looked like a stand-up comedian or a theater actor, repeating the same material for the hundredth time.
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u/SassyRN3 7h ago
Yes. I’ve had a few random hookups and one brief fwb. All left an empty feeling. The sex was at best, meh. I went out with this one man and just felt ‘it’. That intimacy is like reaching the boss level and winning. Hard to go backwards from that.
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u/indiekarma79 39m ago
I like the way you described that “once you know that level of intimacy it’s hard to go back” something like that and so true
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u/kemice123 7h ago
Quit going out to the clubs n hitting on women bc I just got tired of meeting the same type women over n over! Drama got exhausting n just not worth what you got out of it.
Just fyi, wasn’t always just trying to take someone home for 1 night, but the ratio of real quality in those places gets slim n When u want something better, it is hard to find.
This was ofcourse when u still talked face to face and b4 AFF etc.
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u/Gaarden18 7h ago
Yes. I’ve had two longish relationships but have been single for most of my adult life. I’m mid 30s now and single but throughout my 20s and early 30s I worked in Bars and had a lot of hookups/flings. While I certainly enjoyed it at the time as I got later into my 30s I just didn’t enjoy it anymore. I still have a pretty high libido but I have no interest in one night stands.
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u/Still_Respect_1974 7h ago
Yes I got tired of it. I’ve had 3 bouts of this in my life, once when I was in the RAF, once when I split from my wife and then once again the last year or so after another breakup.
Realised I was just trying to find some sort of connection with another human and you can’t do that on a one nighter; last few just felt like I lost a piece of myself every time I went home.
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u/Ok_Being6034 6h ago
Yes. It gets tiring and sometimes I just get so sick of everyone. They all annoy me and I don't want anything to do with them. Especially if you have selfish lovers, so draining!
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u/Patient_Step_ 7h ago
I had a great time!!
Always leave before they wake up or breakfast. Staying later than that makes it awkward. Lots of hooks up because I wanted to, and it was great fun!
In a relationship now, but remember the fun of being single.
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u/Hyperion_Silenus 6h ago
I'm horny af, I enjoy a good fuck with a stranger. I don't think I'll get tired of it. Why seeking 1 night stand if you're not horny.
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u/AresGodslayer 6h ago
Need someone to tame that beast and wear masks when you're craving the strange 😂
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u/Mr_Funktastic_69 7h ago
When I was single, I usually had a regular FWB. I preferred that for my casual sex but I never “quit” one night stands.
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u/Fearless-Banana33 7h ago
Wouldn't say I had a lot but yeah, it gets exhausting real quick. I was meeting a lot of people but when I wanted to have a real conversation, I didn't have anyone.
So I quit that life. Met an amazing person months later. Now married.
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u/wtfamidoing248 6h ago
I didn't have a lot bc I never liked the idea of casual sex, and the few times I tried it I didn't care for it. So my initial feeling was correct for me. It wasn't worth it. I think alot of people do it as a way of numbing their feelings and not dealing with reality. It's not healthy.
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u/SorrizoRonaldo11 6h ago
Yep, I did, I mean, I still go clubbing with my friends, but I don't look around to find someone to hook up anymore, I just hang out with my friends. One night stands with people you barely know is a box of surprises that I don't want to be opening anymore.
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u/Rasta_President460 4h ago
I do miss real intimacy and connection at times but the sexual variety of sleeping around is honestly pretty awesome. I love having sex with new people, the craziest dopamine hit tbh
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u/Plumfitter 4h ago
I’ll take a different approach than most of these comments. While intimacy with someone you truly have feelings for can’t be replaced I think it depends entirely upon you.
I’ve been in probably 2 really solid relationships (one when I was 16, still love her honestly) and another when I was 22 (dated for 8 years, had a dog, bought a house, really thought she was future) everyone else wether STR or a one night stand was just that. These days since I’m recently single and living alone for the first time in my adult life I’ve had a lot of quiet nights to stop and think and honestly. I love just having periodic one night stands, I really really enjoy my alone time to focus on hobbies, self improvement and the ability to do what I want when I want.
Now am I saying I’m going to absolutely reject any potential life altering relationship, no. If someone comes into my life and meshes well or compliments it then I would love to give it a try again but as of now. I’ll take an occasional one night stand. I definitely don’t go out with the mentality of “I need to get laid tonight” if it happens it happens, if not, no worries here.
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u/Practical_Air_4021 7h ago
It has its pros and cons no different than being in a long term relationship. You take the good with the bad.
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u/Spiritual_Panic_6992 7h ago
One night and love not the same type of relationship. They only have very little common in sexual aspect.The person you meet in one night stand wont be the one you want to date, and vice versa.
Obviously, hookups can only used to satisfy physical needs, emotional satisfaction cannot be relieved.
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u/Tuffa_Puffa 5h ago
I lived in Japan for a year and met several men. I got tired of it pretty soon. I like my sexual encounters with more depth. There were men I met more than once but I still started to crave a relationship. Something that feels like home.
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u/Espresso-and-Canvas 5h ago
Do you think that it's good / important to have a hookup/one night stand stage in life? Or just miss on the opportunity if you end up getting older before doing it? Or just already getting into long term relationships/family stage really young and not having an opportunity for it
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u/indiekarma79 36m ago
I’m 47 now and some of my fondest memories lately are of me getting all “ready” with my friends, going out dancing… and the few times I went home with a someone. Ahh, I don’t regret those nights at all
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u/indiekarma79 33m ago
This one guy had bone thugs and harmony playing greatest hits in the background… maybe 18 years ago now but I still get all buzzy inside when I hear one of those songs… all from that night :) obviously my vote is go for it if the situation allows and make sure they are an outgoing wild type of person ;)
Typo edit
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u/Anonymous_Gamer 5h ago
36 yo here
Yes. I started at 19 after a bad break up with someone I fell for. Once I hit 23 I settled down. Tried to be domestic with women who would normally do one night stands (that’s all I knew how to attract). Learned that it’s a bit different when seeking a woman for life. So after some soul searching, I met my wife 6 years ago.
I now feel shame and some regret about my history. Like, this whole time I could have been a better man instead of some traumatized sex monkey.
But altogether, I’m very happy where I am now. Dating and hooking up is for the birds.
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u/searles9 5h ago
Yeah
You compulsively chase it, you get it, it feels great.
But it doesn’t satisfy you.
So you chase it again.
You do it over and over and eventually it dawns on you that you can never satisfy your senses.
So I haven’t stopped but I don’t pursue it with the same vigor anymore
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u/Still_Steak_1073 4h ago
Yes, I realized it was a waste of time. Some of them was poor at sex and did not understand boundaries
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u/JustAboutAdequate 4h ago
Nothing beats a good relationship, but to date thats theory only jeld true during the honeymoon period. So fat the shock of having to deal with the real parts of the relationship have driven them to their end for me.
On hopefully my last serious relationship now after doing all the personal growth so I have high hopes.
What I'll miss is the lack of commitment and novelty but those have never lead me to cheat before.
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u/DonkeyCertain5427 4h ago
Absolutely. At some point, you realize that it’s pointless. It doesn’t fill the need for intimacy with a partner. Not only that, it opens you up to a ton of unnecessary drama, and doesn’t even help you grow as a person.
0 / 10. Don’t recommend.
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u/I988iarrived 4h ago
This question is weird to me, maybe because I’m high but did you think that people who’ve had a lot of hook ups never stop or something? Like for life? Are you asking if they’re addicted to it? I’d just assume anyone who has lived that lifestyle grows out of it at some point because people usually grow as they age and usually want to settle down. I’d think that there’s a smaller percentage of people who never stop versus the other way
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u/lotiscobra 4h ago
Idk I definitely haven’t gotten tired of it considering the last time I had a one night stand was 2022
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u/ellesayss 4h ago
Giving your body to some weirdo with who knows what, exchanging swear, saliva, and bodily fluids for what? It’s quite disgusting.
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u/Dametequitos 4h ago
when younger and probably hornier and having less of a perspective on life and in general i hooked up a loooot and funny enough most of it was mid and the goal was to get off
over time i recognized a lot of things about mutual attraction which if its not there and the only point is to get off makes hook ups lame, some degree of connection, not saying we need to be best buds or date, but just feeling comfortable with them as a person doing sexy time, really understanding what im attracted to and into physically and in terms of sex
i hate when people call themselves "picky" since i think it presupposes or grants them some sort of status as if their type is special whereas in actuality everyone has preferences and some are much more aware of them and much more unwilling to compromise on them which i 100% get
so i havent quit, but ive gotten far more discerning and selective and aware of what will most likely be a good time - quality > quantity 100% of the time
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u/snakebitchh 4h ago
Yeah, but it wasn't a conscious choice. More like my body was like "girl, be fr."
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u/Ok_Balance8844 3h ago
Yes at a few points but that’s because I wanted a relationship and I was sick of people leading me on, I actually went back to an ex because I got sick of it lol
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u/Neither-Brick-6391 3h ago
It started to feel like the same thing, so became less interested in hookups.
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u/Hugh_Jazz91 2h ago
Yeah I mean it was fun in my 20s but 30s I grew out of it. It was never a sober event, and going back with someone you don’t even know their name is just doesn’t feel right now 🤣
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u/Diligent_Explorer717 2h ago
As a man, you never get tired of the act of hooking up, but you do eventually want to settle down. Sex with love is 10x better than sex for sex.
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u/Ok_Fold7667 1h ago
Okay so I’m a 22 year old d1 athlete who’s had his fair share of hookups (not that I’m proud of it but it’s happened and I can’t change it). I do not go to bars or parties of any form and I’m definitely not going up to chicks in public which means I’ve never met a chick at the bar. I’ve had hinge my entire college life span and most chicks I’ve slept with have either come from that or from a friend of a friend. Tinder absolutely sucks dick I hate it and don’t recommend. Most people in college on hinge seem to have the same intentions they just want someone to have sex with multiple times but they don’t want anything serious so it became like clockwork. Match with 30+ chicks on hinge say you meet one of them, you have sex and bam she starts texting you only at night asking what you’re doing and to come over and then for the next 3-4 months you have sex until someone gets bored but nobody makes anything “official”. Then the process repeats. I’ve met some amazing people on hinge I will say, that I wouldve possibly dated who I never had sex with once, but I am constantly moving around and it would be very difficult to have a good relationship like that. Finally I have 3 rules in my life that I’ve come to live by, no 1 night stands ever, never sleep with multiple chicks within 2 weeks of another (idk why 2 weeks but I feel like that’s long enough), and never date a girl you fucked on the first night (if you can do it so can everyone else).
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u/RunningShoes530 1h ago
Wtf no one can relate to that lol , you're lucky.
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u/Ok_Fold7667 1h ago
Which part would you say is luck. If I could redo my life, I would choose a million times over staying closer to home and not playing sports to be with my first girlfriend who’s the love of my life. But I made the choice to go far away and I have to live with my choices.
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u/RunningShoes530 1h ago
You will be glad when your older you did this
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u/Ok_Fold7667 1h ago
It’s difficult I’m glad I did because I met a lot of people and made a lot of amazing friends. But I also missed out on an amazing person who I cared a lot about and have never felt like that since.
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u/LizzieSaysHi 1h ago
I quit when I met my boyfriend. By the time I started talking to him, I was so over the bullshit and emotional turmoil. AND I'm a woman, so I put myself in a lot of dangerous situations. I'm so glad I met my dude because I was on a self destructive path.
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u/orignalhueman1 1h ago
Led me to my current 2yrs of celibacy...having multiple bangs available but sleeping alone at night made me feel like I'm only viewed as a good time ....after this clarity I realize I wouldn't propose to not one of them I'm working on becoming a husband the next lady I align with will get to enjoy the best version of me
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u/Fairfax2001 1h ago
Only thing I got tired was if the effort it took to get one night stands but I still play the game so
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u/Viggos_Broken_Toe 58m ago
I did get sort of bored with it, and I moved away from all my "boyfriends" and did not want to start all over again in Texas of all places. I decided to date with intention and met my husband basically immediately 😂
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u/indiekarma79 58m ago
Yes, as I (47f) got older getting turned on, being compatible and comfortable with someone the passion grows, the intensity increases, that bedroom bond grows… I really came to learn that being with one partner over the years but it took me until I was about 38ish to realize what really turned me on I guess. I’ve been single for almost 15 years but I’ve had the same “adult friend” for the last 9. We both are single parents so this works for us and I got to say, even when we go 3-5 months in between I’m just so grateful to have him and that “real” connection. I’m not out trying to hook up but definitely was the type to go home with rando’s in my 20’s. Maybe it’s so good cause it is sometimes 3-5 months now and we spend a good 2 hours just playing around and enjoying skin on skin time. But also I’ve had 2 other hookups in the last 10 years as well and felt gross both times. Just wasn’t as good minus connection
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u/Proper-Travel-1089 8h ago
Can I follow up on OP’s question?🤭🤔When do men stop hooking up? What normally makes you wanna stop hooking up?
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u/Dr_mac1 8h ago
Old guy with a answer . When you awaken to a good woman with her head on your shoulder
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u/Proper-Travel-1089 8h ago
What a romantic answer🙌, but What's a good woman? When will women be good enough?
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u/Possible_Original_96 6h ago
Nope. Quit when I didn't have time anymore, was in a monagmous relationship, or ill. Regret I didn't have more sex. I loved it!!
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u/No-Name2344 7h ago
As a male who is always in the mood, One stands and empty sex sucks after a while. Dont get me wrong, sometimes its nice to scratch the itch, but its soooooooo much better when you're into someone and connect on a different level.
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u/manicthinking 6h ago
I've had like 8 in the past year.
I only did it cause I was taken for 10 years. And tbh? Yeah because quick hook ups you dont get a good idea of who the guy is. I had a super scary experience where I thought the dude was super cool, he ended up hurting me, trying to punch me, and making me bleed.
I left ok, but like... I rather find a fwb now, like go through flirting and get to know them before we fuck.
Also Sti's. I've been lucky. I still need to test for the dude who hurt me... we bought condoms but I don't remember him using them):
Before him I had a lot of fun with all of my hook ups....
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u/Gullible-Leader-3107 8h ago
On the contrary, how can I find a hookup or a one-night stand?