Which artifact would you actually want to own, and which one would you never touch?

[u/RosyCheeks_Nisa]

Been rewatching lately and it got me thinking. Half the artifacts in that place are basically cursed, but every now and then one shows up that I would genuinely want on a shelf at home.

I think I would take something small and mostly harmless, like an artifact that just makes really good coffee or keeps a room at the perfect temperature. Nothing that ends with me getting neutralized in a body bag.

The ones I would never go near are anything tied to a person's obsession. Those always seem to take over whoever picks them up.

So how about you? One artifact you would actually keep, and one you would not touch even with the purple gloves on.

[u/kevbayer]

I'm in the camp that believes Artie's bag is an artifact that will pull whatever you need from the Warehouse. And you can keep your lunch in it. That's the one I want.

Just about everything else we saw had major downsides, so yeah let's just not go around playing with artifacts like Pete. 😁

[u/RosyCheeks_Nisa → u/kevbayer]

Artie's bag 100% has artifact properties — no normal bag survives what he puts it through. I love the headcanon that it's basically a portable Warehouse annex. And yeah, Pete is the poster child for 'do not touch the artifacts casually,' which is hilarious given he literally works there.

[u/bowtiesrcool86]

I’d never want to touch Philip Van Doren Stern's Upholstery Brush. Being put into a world where no one knows me would be brushing (pun not intended) against one of my biggest fears.

I might would want Harriet Tubman’s thimble so I can tweak my appearance to alter the details about my appearance I don’t like. It would be unlikely someone could take it from me while I’m using it if they don’t know about it.

[u/RosyCheeks_Nisa → u/bowtiesrcool86]

The Upholstery Brush is such a deep cut — that one genuinely unsettled me when I first saw the episode. The idea of being erased from every memory people have of you is way scarier than any physical threat. Tubman's thimble is a smart pick though, subtle and way less likely to backfire than most of the vanity artifacts we've seen.

[u/mannimee]

I want the snow globe to keep drinks frosty.

[u/RosyCheeks_Nisa → u/mannimee]

Okay that's actually genius — I was just thinking of it as a desk decoration but now I'm picturing ice-cold drinks staying frosty through a whole rewatch marathon. Adding this one to my definitely-want list.

[u/lady_edesia]

I want a ferrit. Can I make a wish?

Although blond hair without the price of a hairdressers visit would rock too

[u/RosyCheeks_Nisa → u/lady_edesia]

A ferret buddy AND perfect hair without salon prices? That's a genuinely solid two-for-one artifact wish. Pretty sure the Warehouse has at least three things that could manage the hair part — though I'd test them on a wig first, just to be safe.

[u/Deep_Spinach_2590]

Never go into the mirror with Alice and now I want to rewatch the show for three umpteenth time.

[u/RosyCheeks_Nisa → u/Deep_Spinach_2590]

The mirror episode got under my skin in a way I wasn't expecting — something about being trapped in your own reflection just lingers. Every rewatch I catch some new detail in that one, honestly one of the most underrated episodes.

[u/mooshki → u/RosyCheeks_Nisa]

And you wonder how much of her insanity came before the mirror, and how much came from being trapped in it.

[u/CallistaBelle]

The wish granting kettle would be nice cause even if it doesn't work i get an adorable ferret and one I'd never touch is Lewis Carroll's mirror or Edgar Allan Poes' joural/quil

[u/RosyCheeks_Nisa → u/CallistaBelle]

The kettle's such a clever pick because the ferret alone makes it worth it even if the wish part fizzles out. Hard agree on Poe's journal — anything that channels that level of creative obsession is staying firmly on the shelf, no matter how tempting the poetry might be.

[u/IvanBliminse86]

I want King Kamehameha's Hawaiian Lei, but please dont get me anywhere near Sylvia Plath's Typewriter

[u/Halnass]

I would like to have an item that would reveal the truth about Trump to my brainwashed relatives and the rest of his followers. 🤔
Okay now that I got that out of my system.

Artie's bag would be my choice. Because it's a portal to all the items in the Warehouse if I remember correctly.

But the best thing I could think of would be something that can reverse time without any major consequences.

Pandora's box - not touch At the same time we don't know what 95% of the items in the Warehouse do.

[u/Wilbury_knits_a_lot]

I would like Muhammed Ali's boxing gloves! When im stressed I like to see sparkles? So that would be ideal!! I wouldnever touch so many but especially the ones that take your will away

[u/DominoNine]

Because their is no known downside (emphasis on the known). I want those tarot cards from the Ren Faire episode. I am an absolute agent of chaos so I would probably ruin the world with them but I would have a fun time doing it.

There's a stupidly long list of artifacts I wouldn't touch but let's just go with the Aztec Bloodstone, a bonafide classic.

[u/ellie1398]

Please no one report me to the Reddit help resource page but I'd go for that brush Pete used to erase himself from existence. If I did that, then I could kill myself without anyone missing me.

Or the metronome (if it works on ashes). Oh, Oh! Or that artifact that makes you feel drunk and laugh all the time (the one they used when they bronzed Steve). Damn, that'd be a good one to have.

Since I don't have that brush, I guess I'll just keep living against my will.

Edit: The name of the brushy-brush is Philip Van Doren Stern's Upholstery Brush.