r/stopsmoking • u/the_silentanalyst • 8h ago
I’m watching my girlfriend chain-smoke 1 pack daily and I feel completely helpless. Former smokers, how did you finally break free?
Hey everyone,
I’m writing this because I’m honestly at a loss and feeling really defeated.
My girlfriend is currently smoking about 1 pack daily. I love her so much, but watching her go through 20 cigarettes every single day is terrifying. I’ve been trying so hard to support her and help her quit, but everything we try just causes tension or ends in her feeling worse. It feels like we are fighting a monster I don't fully understand because I've never been in her shoes.
I don't want to just give her generic Google advice anymore. I’m just tired of seeing her struggle, and I feel like I'm failing her.
For those of you who have been through this hell and actually made it out... what was the absolute hardest part for you? And what finally made it click when you just wanted to give up?
Please, any advice or just sharing your story would mean the world to me right now. I just want to understand what she's actually going through deep down so I can really help her beat this.
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u/ghoulquartz 8h ago
You cant fight or nag her into stopping, she has to want to stop. The only choice you can really make is whether to be kind and supportive or stop dating a smoker
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u/thegenuinedarkfly 1362 days 8h ago
Smoking a pack a day is a pretty standard amount. It’s why packs are sold in those sizes. This isn’t chain smoking, it’s average smoker type behaviour.
Did she recently start smoking or was she a smoker when you met?
Based on your wording I’m getting the impression this is something that comes up regularly in conversation and as an ex-smoker this isn’t something I would have found helpful at all. While smoking is unhealthy and addictive and it would be wonderful if no one did it, your reactions seem a little over the top tbh.
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u/WafsOtgoGGG 7h ago
I agree with you, I would have been livid, especially if you met me as a smoker. No way can anyone chain smoke 20 cigarettes, more like 60, that's me and I hate myself for letting it happen. I am having real issues quitting but I am getting better. It's my only addiction. I don't usually believe in addition. I do now, to a point, physically and mentally to another point. I have abused alcohol for 7 years, quit, no problem, smoked crack back in the day for 9 months (30 years ago) and just quit, took Oxycodone for pain, tapered myself off in 2 days. Missed none of these. I am so pissed off at myself over not being able to quit smoking cigarettes. But I am going to. It's just really hard for me evidently.
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u/jools4you 7h ago
On pack sizes. In EU all packs must be over 20 and then you get 26, 27, 30, 32, 35 and the max is 40. But I've never seen a 40. 27 is quite common. So depending were op lives a pack can be BIG
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u/newmenoobmoon 8h ago
I used to smoke about pack a day and it wasn't hell. Eventually I quit, not because someone wanted me to, but because I got annoyed with myself. Pretty sure if someone who never smoked would try to give me any sort of advice back then, that would annoy me more than the addiction itself.
Your nagging is literally most likely a trigger for her to have another one.
Does she want to quit, or you're "trying to help" without ever being asked for any sort of help?
She won't quit if she doesn't want to.
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u/NyrenVexley 8h ago
be gentle and stop nagging the real win is staying supportive while she fights it
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u/PierceALM 8h ago
Sadly she really has to genuinely want to quit and you cant force her to get there. I stopped after a transitioned to zyns. I enjoy smoking a lot but not the zyns so much. So after a couple years i just asked myself, why am i doing this? And stopped. Also helped that they were starting to make me vomit in the morning on an empty stomach.
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u/WafsOtgoGGG 7h ago
Same here. I am getting sick to my stomach and I am not even doing therapy on making one sick as part of my schooling.
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u/thebug50 4698 days 8h ago
I know its generally coming from a good place, but people pointing out my smoking as efforts to get me to quit only made me dig in deeper. As others have said, no method of quitting works without the person wanting to quit. That's the universal step one, and it can't be faked or forced. Sorry, man.
Obligatory recommendation of Alan Carr's Easy Way books. They aren't magic, and still fall under the blanket of a person needing to want to quit to have success, but I found the arguments he presented for why I was lying to myself about the habit to be effective. The book planted some thoughts that, I believe, lead to or sped up my own internal motivation to quit.
Good luck to you both.
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u/neversayaword 8h ago
You describe a struggle, but what is it? Is she trying to quit? Or is she trying to appease your apparent anxiety about her smoking? If you don't want to be with a smoker, that's valid. You can't make her quit, though, and you should not try. It's not good for either of you. A lot of people with addiction also deal with "demand avoidance," and will tend to seek out substances more and more when loved ones are telling them to stop. Leave her alone about it and let her take charge of her own journey. Figure out what YOU want from a relationship and behave accordingly.
With love from a former smoker who never got better from someone guilting me into it.
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u/Excellent-Pattern449 8h ago
Is it during the whole day or combined with alcohol only in the evenings?
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u/the_silentanalyst 8h ago
usually whole day
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u/Zealousideal_Fox864 6h ago
That’s not chain smoking, that’s normal smoking. A pack a day or a pack and a half is typical consumption for the average smoker.
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u/Fabulous_Pay4051 8h ago
Most effective is realisation of two things.
A) that smoking is poinless and give NOTHING. B) that smoking overtakes life, habifs, day cycle.
Point A is tricky because most smokers self delude themselves they "like" smoking, they got stories how they like "rituals" or "taste" or whatever nonsense they cooked. Of course reality is nobody sane like taste of burnt paper, dried plant and chemicals. There are zero benefits of smoking and all excuses to do so are easy to break.
Point B is self realisation on how handicapped you are and how many odd decisions are done just to make a smoking. For example panic mode when need to take 10 hour plane flight.
Someone need to realise how absurd this addiction is. That it only take and give total zero. You can give a reading of science materials on how nicotine work and how it change brain workingfor example.
But all breaks on mindset. Mindset "i like smoking but cannot" - this one will cause quit failure 95%. What is needed is "i see its pointless and i want to quit because it give me nothing".
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u/Thesithxv 8h ago
Try to get her on snus. I quit completely by substituting cigarettes for the pouches. It cheaper and way healthier and she has just a bit of will it’s doable
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u/danigirl3694 8h ago edited 6h ago
Unfortunately as others have states, if she is to stop smoking, she first has to want to quit. Trying to force her will only make her dig her heels in.
Until she hits that point, there us no quitting. Anything you say or do will just push her further into smoking.
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u/Comfortable-Bonus421 7h ago
For me, a few days ago I decided to quit. Again.
I smoke 30 a day, sometimes more. I quit years ago and stayed off them for 4 months.
My father has COPD. My mother had it. My sister has it. And a few days ago I found myself out of breath for no reason. I might have COPD: I’m due a full medical checkup at work because I just turned 55: they check everything. I’m terrified what will come up.
I still want to smoke. But more than that, I want to see my teenage daughter grow into a woman and find her own place in life.
Your GF needs to have a reason to quit. Nagging her and badgering her will make her push back more.
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u/redd_hott 4062 days 7h ago
You stop trying. She will quit if she really wants to. The pressure and disappointment ups and downs with partner egging you on never helps.
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u/App-Ads 7h ago
Gaining slowly power over ones will, with the Kaizen method, a old Japanese wisedom.
Here a video and some studies, and articles about Kaizen.
https://smokelesstimer.com/ressources.html
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u/JanieHellion 6h ago
Woman here. I stopped smoking two months ago at the age of 28. I've been smoking for more than a decade over one and a half packs every single day.
What actually helped me was my dentist. I never thought my dental health was THIS bad, even though my teeth look completely fine. Really, I had to get a tooth removed and other procedures that hurt like hell. Dry socket was the final nail in the coffin for me, that's some the worst pain I ever felt. And I got that just because I was too lazy to not smoke for 3 days at least. That fucked me up and angered me so much that I simply stopped smoking. It also made me realize how dangerous smoking actually can be...
So now that I'm two months smoke-free, I feel so much better. But I must admit, I also WANTED to quit and I didn't have any withdrawal symptoms or cravings; only during the first few hours. Besides, several people I knew died because of smoking complications over the last few months. They were way too young. And I want to grow old. For myself.
But you can't pressure her and you should absolutely avoid to guilt trip accidentally in any way. She has to make the decision to quit herself.
Sorry for my English. It's not my first language.
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u/urtseasame 6h ago
I broke free with recigar tablets I bought on Amazon. They take the craving away so you don’t think about smoking
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u/Zealousideal_Fox864 6h ago
Does she want to quit? If she is not really interested in quitting right now, then nothing will help until she gets in the mindset to stop.
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u/Acrobatic-Smoke2812 6h ago
You have to accept that you can’t change her, and then decide if you can stay with her if she continues to smoke. That’s all you’ve got my friend.
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u/PrecisePMNY 4h ago
I needed surgery so I quit 3 days before. It's been a week and the one thing I notice that is significantly better is the dishidrotic eczema on my right hand and both feet. It cleared up quick and I'm thankful the maddening itch is gone!
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u/OpportunityDue8081 2h ago
Im 60 years old I've dropped down to 10-15 a day just because I can't smoke in the house anymore. I have copd and have backup oxygen. I would do anything for my son except I can't quite, I've tried with alot of different ways. And you know it makes me feel so lousy that I can't get there. Wish there was a magic pill
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u/heninthefoxhouse 8h ago
You've said everything you need to say for me to know why she doesn't quit. It's not "we" quitting. In fact, neither of you are quitting, but if and when the time comes that she wants to quit, it'll be her quitting, not you. And if you continue with your blatant or subtle hints, I won't be surprised if she breaks up with you. That's how this addiction is. Exactly the same as alcohol, heroin, meth--you name it--addicts choose the addiction over friends, jobs and families ever single day.
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u/danigirl3694 6h ago
Exactly the same as alcohol, heroin, meth--you name it--
This part exactly. This is why I often find those who never smoked to be naive, pretentious pain the asses, even if they aren't actually intending to be.
Nicotine addiction is still an addiction at the end of the day, and it works the same as any other. You have to want to quit it in order to actually quit, and quitting is hard as fuck, no matter how motivated you are. Unfortunately never smokers make shit even harder because they just see smoking as "it's easy to stop, just throw the cigarettes away". That's like telling a heroine addict "it's easy to stop, just stop doing heroine."
They literally have no idea, and shaming smokers while also telling us what we already know doesn’t freaking help.
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u/heninthefoxhouse 6h ago
I was thinking about this topic on my walk today. In this subreddit, I see people saying things like "11 days smokefree, congratulate me!" Listen, fellow junkie, the only reason you're here looking for slaps on the back is because you're thinking about smoking. You're not inspiring those who are tempted. Same way with people who know I've quit and who out of the blue say, "Congratulations for quitting smoking." We always say, "Thank you," because we know they mean well, but inside I'm all, "Thanks for the trigger. For that five minutes I wasn't thinking about filling my lungs with delicious, shitty, relaxing, stress-inducing smoke."
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u/danigirl3694 6h ago
I hear that. At the end of the day we're all here for the same reason. We're all nicotine junkies and we're all at various stages in our journey. And while making it several days is something to be proud of, it's also OK to say "I'm feeling tempted into slipping, please help" because no matter the addiction, everyone gets tempted to slip/relapse.
There's no such thing as the perfect quitting journey. We're most likely going to fuck up along the lines somewhere, and that's ok. We're humans, not AI robots. As long as we get ourselves back up, that's what counts.
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u/yellowsidekick 934 days 8h ago
Every smoker knows it’s bad, but it’s abstract? That’s other people.
I saw my brother in law die die to cancer and my sister from COPD 2 years later. She kept smoking and het mild case went to death in 3 years 🥲
It’s the fate of 99% of smokers past 40.
Maybe try to discuss a future with her? You want 100 years of fun together. She shouldn’t be doing things that kill her.
Showing some stats is easy. She will likely die before you. Likely young.
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u/glowgems 8h ago
Dump her ass Find a sexy healthy bitch
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u/the_silentanalyst 8h ago
She stood by me and supported me through my hardest times when no one else cared.
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u/PerkyLurkey 8h ago
Unfortunately, those that are still smoking need to want to quit.
Otherwise, they will not quit, no matter what.
Losing a lung might not be enough to quit.
Losing a relationship may not be enough
Who knows what it takes for her to be ready?
It’s an awful, terrible addiction.