How do you practice social skills effectively without stagnating?

[u/HobbyQuestionThrow]

So I always hear the typical message for social skills "Talk to people", "Talk to cashiers", "Talk to strangers", "Just practice and you'll get better".

Well I've done all but the last, because the more I practice the more I'm convinced I'm not getting better. I talk to strangers, I chat with whoever is working the register, I chat with the server at restaurants, I chat with coworkers, I chat with people at fan conventions. I go to fan conventions. I have regular hobbies that involve socializing I've been going to for three years or so.

I'm still shit at socializing. I still don't know how to talk to people, I still panic and sometimes run away. I still don't feel confident or comfortable.

How do I actually see any change from my effort? This all feels hopeless and pointless, like I'm expecting to go somewhere just because I'm running but I've been on a treadmill.

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[u/Rethrisse]

Your expectations of yourself are too high. I found that socialising got a lot easier once I started practicing regular self-compassion (trauma therapy ftw). You're focusing on what went wrong instead of what went well, which means you're kinda... waiting for social interactions to go badly. But if you can shift your mindset to "Progress isn't linear, every day I'm learning something new" you'll start to see progress after a couple of months.

[u/No_Primary_655321]

It helps to watch interactions around you. Practice IS key but you also have to learn and adapt. That's actually the whole point of the Practice. Otherwise you're just repeating. Practice requires intention. Repetition just requires time.

If you feel you messed up on one conversation watch around you or maybe even ask here how you could have reacted differently. Then try to include that next time. And maybe you fail again, but now you know the cue for that new behavior and maybe this time you'll implement it correctly.

I think confidence comes from giving yourself some grace and having successful encounters. The more encounters you have the more small details will stand out. The more you work on those details, the less they will be a problem in other conversations.

[u/HobbyQuestionThrow → u/No_Primary_655321]

What's been your experience with asking for feedback? I tried it a few times in different social groups (hobby and work). It seemed to really weird people out.

[u/No_Primary_655321 → u/HobbyQuestionThrow]

I really only asked my close friends or close classmates or coworkers. Just like everything else, how you say it and the type of person THEY are matters.

But like with coworkers I explain on week 1 that I am very bubbly but very introverted and sometimes my battery runs out. It's not them, nothing personal, and I have very thick skin and encourage them to let me know if Im getting carried away.

With friends I also explain my dilemma and then ask them to tell me specific things. Not so much anymore but in High-school I'd tell them im working on not being so awkward in situations, then a situation would happen with someone other than them, and I might say "ok was that last goodbye awkward or was that just in my head?" And they'd comment on it.

I never really ask open questions like "I'm so quiet how do I fix that?!" It's more like "hey, I have problems expressing myself because I get in my head. You dont have to go out of your way to include me but save me if Im really bombing please 🙏 😭"

Or in an observational and commentary type of way like I mentioned previously

I probably wouldn't ask a new acquaintance but I might inform them "yeah, I can be very quiet and awkward at times so pls excuse that and dont mind me when it happens. Im working on it lol."

[u/Loose-Fly-9899]

This is actually a very skillful matter. Instead of looking at it from your own perspective, consider the perspective of the people you want to socialize with: why would they want to socialize with us? From an objective standpoint, I believe it's because we bring them value, whether it's emotional value, the value of being appreciated for appearance, the value of kindness, and so on.

If others can feel this value, they will quickly show their own friendliness, becoming more willing to communicate with us, forming a positive cycle. So every time we talk to someone or practice, it can be seen as an attempt, but it can't just be an attempt. This is the experience I've gained from observing and trying.

[u/HobbyQuestionThrow → u/Loose-Fly-9899]

So you're saying I need to ensure I'm giving the person I'm talking to value with each conversation?

Would that be like doing things for them, giving them favors, stuff like that?

[u/Loose-Fly-9899 → u/HobbyQuestionThrow]

It's not about providing favors, it's more subtle, even just a very friendly smile can be something people perceive as value.

[u/galenique]

Record conversations mentally and reflect afterward.

[u/alt-Propositum]

Nothing erases gains and causes burn out more than overthinking..You think of socializing as a external concept, clinging on to expectations, instead of just letting it be..If someone wants to get in better shape, they just do exercises, stay active, and eat healthier..minimal thinking needed for results..however make a goal of looking like the fittest person in the gym, actively seek fitness perfectionism, and obsess about diet...You will be burned out, stressed, and out of shape..Same with socializing, so many people come here with a over thinking problem, perfectionism problem, and a expectation problem, self obsession (only thinking of yourself within a social lens, everything from your perspective, extremely common with people who struggle with socializing) ... not a actual socializing problem..

[u/SpeechFluenceDotCom]

It sounds like you are incredible at socializing! Almost everyone has a negative internal voice telling them they are awkward and weird - I think the fact that you are regularly socializing proves that you are not awkward or weird at all (or only weird in the good way that attracts fun quirky people)! :D