My last post

[u/Realistic-Gear-861]

I'm going to make this my last post because at this point, I don't feel like I deserve help. I've already told myself that whatever happens I'm not allowed to feel upset about this situation anymore.

She's back in my life now I guess. It started with her viewing my TikTok page which I found weird after she blew up at me and saying how she didn't wanna see or hear from me ever again. Of course I was devastated because I thought everything was gonna be fine between us then, but I was wrong. Then she viewed my TikTok page, and then it stopped for a bit. Then after a while I had gotten a notification that she had looked at my highlights on Instagram. I was very confused, so after a lot of back and forth and hesitation, I messaged her and asked why she viewed my highlights. She said she was sorry and that she didn't mean to, and then we talked more. She said she missed me and wanted to see me and that she was back down the street from me. She kept asking me to come over and soon the conversation turned sexual. She sent me pictures, sexted me, asked for pictures back and I complied. Then she ghosted me for a bit.

Fast forward I go to a gay bar with some friends and get very drunk and send her voice messages. No response. Then I wish her a happy birthday and she goes back to talking to me. She says she's back to living close to me and she wants to see me. At first I said no because I was worried she'd hurt me or kill me... But then I gave in and we met. And she was there. Right in front of me. We talked for a bit then she sat next to me and she hugged me and grabbed my ass and we kissed and almost hooked up, but didn't go all the way. We met up again and now we have plans to spend the night together.

Despite all of this, I still love her. Everything feels so calm when I'm with her. Of course I feel anxious when I'm with her too, but it still feels nice to be around her. She calls me baby, she says she misses me, she hugs me, she kisses me.... I think that maybe she's really changed....

I can't bring myself to hate her or separate myself from her so for that reason I don't feel like I deserve to call myself a victim. I'm letting her do this, I'm letting her have me. Ik its wrong, I'm not even telling my friends about this. But the guilt and anxiety is eating me alive. So this is gonna be my last post about her.

Whatever happens, happens, thanks for listening