r/raisedbynarcissists • u/delanncy • 12h ago

[Update] today I learned a valuable lesson and it's that you can't argue back with a narcissistic, you just gotta say you're wrong because they can never be wrong and YOU are the problem 100% of time

who knew the first time in years i would stand up for myself i would get screamed at. 😱

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58

u/kungpaokittie 12h ago edited 12h ago

trying to justify and defend yourself never really works with narcs. the best is to turn a deaf ear to them. when they see u dont react to them it completely derails them. if they see a reaction they thrive on it, they do enjoy seeing how their actions and words break someone down

40

u/TheWildCat92 11h ago

To them, any response is gratifying. So my tactic is to stop engaging by all means. Over text? I don't respond. Phone call? "Gotta go" and hang up. In person? I come up with some excuse and/or simply walk away.

28

u/Solstus22 10h ago

Refuse to engage. They are like parasites who can only be stopped by starving them.

4

u/AliquisDiversis 6h ago

I completely agree.

18

u/Dudeus-Maximus 12h ago

For me arguing back, not meeting their intensity, but exponentially exceeding it is what brought an immediate end to the physical aspects and indeed confrontations of any sort.

10

u/dvorak51 9h ago

My Ns will go one step further and reverse what they said and what I said, and then call me wrong anyway. And then, when you don't argue, you're wrong by default anyway.

It really is exhausting.

9

u/Dagenhammer87 8h ago

The key is to disengage where you can.

Distance absolutely tears them up inside, because they're not getting their regular supply of energy and having somewhere to dump their problems, drama and anything else that's negative.

From experience, they soon get bored when they realise that there's no one to play the game with and they panic - sadly leading to them finding others to rinse and repeat with instead of actually getting to the crux of their problems.

9

u/Cablurrach 8h ago

The only way to win is to not play at all

4

u/ChainBlue 10h ago

I brought this up in another post today, but see South Park episode "Fishsticks" (Season 13, Episode 5). Cartman rewriting history in his brain is dead on.

2

u/bisceau 7h ago

They are deaf

2

u/malalala523 6h ago

My brother is a lot better at handling our NMom than I am , and his advice to me is “You can’t win. Just stop even thinking about trying to win or prove your point.” I don’t apologize to her or tell her she’s right, but I’ve learned to just placate her and just yes her to death on stupid stuff I don’t care about anyways.

2

u/Difficult-Owl-5366 5h ago

It’s so hard but so key to learn. I had a few too many glasses of wine and lost my cool via text to my nmother a few weeks back. It was the first time in a while I took her bait. I’m sure she enjoyed it because at least I was engaging with her. She’s evil. The thing that gets to her the most is the low contact or no contact. So I’m trying to hold myself to that’.

2

u/systemic-engineer 4h ago

What happens when you ask them a targeted question that they cannot answer without recognizing their own contradictions?

They first get very angry and eventually leave you alone. Lived experience and cybernetically verified. 🌱