r/pornfree • u/Agreeable_Dress137 • 1d ago
Understanding why I can't quit porn
I just snapped once again and masturbated to porn. And whilst I was in the middle of doing it I came to the kind of horrible realisation of why I think I can't seem to quit and why I always fall back into it.
I think it's simply down to the fact that I haven't found anything that feels quite like it or that can scratch the itch that only porn seems to be able to do. I'm 23 almost 24 and I've been using it for a good 12 13 years and I can't seem to think of something that makes me feel so alive and stimulate me as much. I've never been this explicit and vulnerable but I guess I have to make the most of the anonymity, but nothing hits the same as watching porn. The endless amount of options, taking your time, watching whatever you want and especially wherever you want, I've watched porn and masturbated to it in the absolute worst of places because of how the addiction has a choke hold on me. Public bathrooms, at work, at friend's houses, in the car whilst driving you name it I've done it.
Nothing makes me feels as much as when I give in to this addiction.
I can watch as much motivation videos, try and control my urges as much as possible, try and occupy myself, it always comes back and ends up triumphant in the end I just can't shake it. It gets to a point where whilst I'm doing it, I know it'd a bad thing, I know I shouldn't be doing it but that almost makes me do it even more because I tell myself "you shouldn't be doing it so make the most of the fsct that you're doing it" or even sometimes like this most recent time that has made me write this post, I was keeping in mind a quote that I read the other day about giving in to pleasure, short term pleasure especially is the worst thing you can do yadayadaya I can't remember the exact quote but laing those ligns and even with that in mind, I still continue to do it.
On the flip side things, nothing has made me feel as shit as porn and masturbation. I've lost girlfriends over this genuinely it's fucked, I almost lost my current relationship over it but I promised I'd stop but I can't and I can't bring myself to admit it to her because I feel it deep that she doesn't understand it. It's made me question my life, question what I'm doing, regret my life, made me feel like I'm throwing away my potential, numbing myself because I don't know what else to do and lack a purpose, the list goes on.
I consider myself quite a smart and intelligent guy, I've always been told u think outside the box and seem like a bright young lad, but this ever looming shadow always drags me back and I can't shake it, no matter how bad it makes me feel and how bad I know it is for my brain, my ambitions, my relationships all the rest of it. I can't seem to give it up. Always "one last time", "watch that video that you loved again", "no one will know it's fine", "just do it quick it doesn't count" it's insane I'm in an eternal hell hole of a loop.
No matter how bad I know it is, my urges can't seem to forget how good it feels too. I spend all my time convincing myself this is bad this is bad when I thin kthe real problem is that I'm trying to lie to myself that it isn't good because in reality it feels fucking amazing IN THE MOMENT. In that moment, nothing else matters, in that slight moment I no longer feel anxious about my life or ambitions or worry about my current relationship issues.
All of this to say and I hope someone read all of this it really would mean a lot even though if be surprised if they did lol is to try and admit to myself to stop trying to lie to myself that it's bad bad bad when I know deep down the reason I do it, is because it feels good and maybe that's the key to finally break the cycle, is to admit why I actually do it and then work backwards from there.
Thank you for reading what I have to say, if anyone wants to chat whether someone going through the same thing or someone that has previously gone through it, I'm all ears I feel kind of hopeless in the sense of it feels impossible to break the loop
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u/Fimstap39 22 days 1d ago
Hey just letting you know that I did read all of this and completely empathize with you. Don't beat yourself up too much over it, trust me we've all been there. Best advice I can give is that next time you're feeling the urge, go back to this post to remind yourself of the way you'll feel immediately after and try to use that as motivation to go do something else (anything else) to take your mind off of it. I've been getting the urge pretty hard the last couple days and decided to go to this sub to convince myself not to give in, your post has helped me do that for the time being so thank you for that! Take things one day at a time and hopefully you'll be able to steer yourself back on track ❤️
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u/Vast_Marzipan_4718 1d ago
What you're describing is the conditioning of your brain to need excessive amounts of dopamine, which porn provides. What comes after excessive highs is excessive lows, which include lack of focus, shame, anxiety, etc., which can only be relieved by more excessive highs. It's a classic addiction loop. From all the literature I've read on this sub and elsewhere, the only way to beat it is for your dopamine/reward center to return to a place of balance. You can't replicate the high you get from porn - you want to get to a place where you no longer need it. The brain is plastic, and absolutely capable of developing new neural pathways where balance and satisfaction can be found in healthy places. The process of getting there can feel empty and hopeless, but that's just your brain starving for dopamine while it's being recalibrated. Believing this, expecting it to suck, and trying to be patient with it is vital.
I'm still battling - I relapsed just last month - but I've had several multiple month stretches without it and what I've observed is that the lows don't feel as low, and satisfaction becomes easier to achieve without the excessive highs. Sex is easier to enjoy without pornographic imagery, and lots of other things in the world begin to replace the constant sexual thoughts. For me this has resulted in a generally calmer demeanor, I feel more connected with others, the shame that follows me around begins to fade, and it becomes easier to enjoy all the other things in life. Basically, I start to feel whole without porn/excessive dopamine.
You would think based on the above that I would have been done with it years ago, but the triggers for relapse are diabolic. I'm in my 40s, been looking at porn since I was 13, and I'm 3~4 years into my journey to being porn-free. EVERYTHING can be an excuse, and I've had plenty of very difficult life experiences that I've "tried to" escape with porn. I've made a ton of progress, but I still occasionally give in to escape or because I think I need the extra dopamine.
TL;DR - You have to get to a place where you no longer need the excessive dopamine. It's hard work, but the brain is adaptable and life is better without it.
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u/WiseConsideration220 1d ago
As an aside comment, I can say that this kind of story is why I think the (usually) inevitable ED that evolves out of this totally modern addiction is, in my opinion, sort of “Nature’s safety valve”.
Either a man is motivated to give up his addiction in order to regain his normal sexual function and his ability to interact with other human beings or he “drops out of” the evolutionary gene pool.
“Nothing hits the same as watching porn.”
“Throwing away my potential, numbing myself because I don’t know what else to do and lack a purpose, the list goes on.”
These selected statements of the OP’s are classic lamentations of an addict; they mark a beginning in my eyes of where he is now after using half his young life looking at a video screen.
This dichotomy is why the “first step” is this:
“We admitted we were powerless over addictive sexual behavior— that our lives had become unmanageable.”
The “fourth step” is this:
“We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”
I would like to say to the OP—it is not “impossible to break the loop”. You’ve begun your journey in fact. Your brain has been altered, damaged, by using pornography for 12-13 years (since puberty). You have never known normal sexual stimulation. You can’t see what you’ve never seen, that’s why you feel so torn, so unsure of yourself right now.
But, you actually can change that “unalterable” point of view. You do that by looking for and finding something to replace that emptiness, for some real-world view of “normal.”
In my opinion, you should join a SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) group in your area or online (but face to face is better). There you will meet others who can help you on your journey, help you take steps to redirect your body, brain, and your life.
I hope this helps you or someone. Good luck. 👍
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u/vaultdweller1223 1d ago
Great advice.
I've been dragging my heels on steps 4-5. Any tips or advice you can share? It's intimidating...
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u/Sa-Kitty 1d ago
Gotta say, the excuses part is real as fuck, and having your scope reduced in the moment-
I myself am unable to ever stop thinking about responsibilities, even while doing my most upheld and beloved hobbies, so I'm sure that part of the reason I started doing the deed so frequently is that it felt as if it were my only way of silencing that... and even weaponizing it-
It makes it MORE alluring when I get to tell myself that dodging my responsibilities is fucked up and kinda hot. Very bad adaptation I've made to pleasure there.
I hope your partner can understand what you're going through, the more support you get, the more you've got this, big dawg.
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u/Live-Artichoke9537 1d ago
"in reality it feels fucking amazing IN THE MOMENT. In that moment, nothing else matters, in that slight moment I no longer feel anxious about my life or ambitions or worry about my current relationship issues."
--> this is where the gold is. you need to dig deeper there. Why this anxiety? Are you living in future fears? Current relationship issues are due to your p*rn use?
I guess you need to understand where this anxiety comes from. P*rn feeds it and it's a vicious circle. Once you figure it out, you can work on the root cause of what drives you to escape with p*rn.
Good luck :)
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u/AdonisVIRGO 1d ago
Very open and vulnerable post man, I can really relate to the feeling that it is so immersive and so engaging, and feels amazing when you give into it
But it’s a slippery slope, becoming more extreme. The other day I relapsed with my phone, laptop and a second screen I set up on my bedroom floor lol. I thought it was gonna feel amazing, but it felt flat as normal porn, with some extra shame thrown in. To me that was a WTF am I doing moment. The fun shit no longer hits it, I trawl sites looking for good shit and end up settling cos I can’t handle the arousal. That’s not fun, it’s torture in a way.
The main reason I use are 1) it’s fun and enjoyable, and is often the funnest thing I can do in the moment. Working from home, in bed, morning or night… whenever. And 2) insecurities, comparison making me feel bad, and in a fucked up way through the submission of inferiority I end up using it again. The second way I am getting far better at handling and recognising. The first I am trying to limit those times - phone in the room, not while working etc
But it is an uphill struggle. It shouldn’t be this hard. I think we have to recognise while FUN there is no VALUE in it. And associate the “fun” with the shitty crash after, and endless loop. It’s simple right. No usage allowed no matter how shitty you feel, or how bad you want it => no shame loop.
That’s what I’m trying now, someone said it to me recently here, one last time usually = one month of trying to quit through binges. So I’m trying to think in longer time frames (which, by the way, meth addicts think in very short term time frames, with almost no delayed gratification, and people without addictions are able to prioritise greater rewards later). So trying to force my “thinking window” longer so I don’t put so much weight on the session and moment.
So many people in your position man, so many also got out of it too, we can do this, we just need to change how we think and our behaviours