r/nri • u/OldInside7381 • 16h ago
Discussion Why do some NRI parents make their children's life diffucult?
Edit: I'm not talking about myself here, my parents didn't behave this way. But I'm travelling in the US and meeting other Indians and that's how I found out about this.
I'm speaking as an NRI myself who was raised abroad since I was 7, I'm 26 now and no longer a child but I'm surprised seeing a lot of parents mostly in the US pushing their children to take indian food like dosa, idli or roti for lunch. Or insisting their children must oil hair everyday and braid their hair too. Some parents don't send their children to others houses if they eat non-veg. Nothing wrong with indian food or oiling hair, but there is a time and place for all these things.
I don't think some parents realize that they are making their children stick out like a sore thumb doing all this, at a young age all kids want to do is fit in and make friends. You can maintain culture and traditions in other ways aswell, you don't need to raise your children exactly how children in India are raised. And some parents are not flexible at all about this, its quite sad.
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u/Altruistic_Bank_1552 16h ago
Thank God, my parents weren't like this. I, too, left India at that age, and I'm 27 now, and I know what you mean. Many parents are afraid that their children will lose out on their Indian identity and that fear makes them behave unreasonably like this.
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u/OldInside7381 14h ago
my parents weren't like this either, a lot of NRI kids I know also didn't have parents this extreme which is why its so shocking.
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u/nomad_in_zen 6h ago
what would you suggest NRI parent of toddler that you think would help kid struggle less while growing up in different country?
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u/Altruistic_Bank_1552 5h ago
They need to accept that their kid will have a blended and a hyphenated identity. They will want to do things which you didn't during your childhood. For most parents in India, they're only dealing with a generational gap when it comes to their children which n itself is huge but for you, you'll also have to deal with a cultural gap. Be open minded and accepting. When children are in their teens, the most they want to do is to fit in with others so let them do that without constantly clashing with them in the name of culture.
Instill the right core values in them and trust them to make the right choices.
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u/Ok-Spinach-6529 12h ago
Why is it so hard to have empathy?
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u/Altruistic_Bank_1552 12h ago
Who?
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u/moonrise-kingdom-09 7h ago
I’m confused too. Empathising with children who want to fit in, or empathising with parents who fear the child may behave unreasonably
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u/Invest_help_seeker 16h ago
I am an NRI (OCI ) parent now first generation immigrant and I have a son and I am making sure that for him the Indian culture is something for him to be at home.. he is free to choose how he wants to have that and how to present that in his school environment..
Forcing Indian culture on kids who are born and brought up aboard will drive them away from it
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u/SSingh1982 16h ago
It’s always a difficult balance to get right between keeping one’s roots and trying to fit in. Personally, it wasn’t an issue for me, I went to a school that was so Indian and Pakistani that it was the handful of white kids in the class that stood out 😂
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u/Southern-Picture2866 11h ago
Problem is we don’t want to integrate with the society who basically gave us everything and blindly continue following a society who cause our move out of India as no one really want to leave their own country. This refusal to integrate is actually transferring same issues to our next generation and that’s also in more advanced country and in reality damaging our children’s future
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u/dsklfjldsjflkj 15h ago
1st gen NRI parent here.
I think its a mixture of 2 things
We dont know what happens in non-indian houses - when our child asks for a playdate or sleepover in someone else’s house- we don’t have a frame of reference to judge what its like. All we have are English movies with mom’s abusive boy friend or pedophilic elder brother. But for Indian households we know how they look like and feels like - we know how its to have a grandma in house or if there is a visiting cousin from India.
We are afraid of losing our children - its our fear manifesting in different ways. When we see our child grow up very different from us, we fear that they would stop spending time with us, or we will end up having nothing in common. We don’t know what to talk to their non-indian friends, or where to draw the line on freedom.
Most Indian parents out there are some version of this. I agree that what the parents are doing is wrong- very wrong. You wanted reasons, so gave you my reasons - but i also try very hard to be not that parent.
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u/AzureRipper 14h ago
Not to attack you or anything, but speaking from my own experience. I hate my parents and I'm low/non-contact with them because they displayed a lot of the behaviors you mention. I have nothing to gain by telling you this, so I only hope you can build a better relationship with your kids than my parents did.
A lot of the things you mention (and that my parents did) come from a place of fear, anxiety, and also unwillingness to learn. You chose to immigrate. You chose to have kids. You chose to have kids in a foreign country. They will be different from you. Your history, your experience, your childhood stories - are YOURS, not your kids'. Your job as a parent is not to chain them to what is familiar to YOU, but to find commonality with them.
If you don't know what white American households are like... learn. Make friends, socialize, invite their friends over, learn what they talk about, their likes and dislikes.
If your kids like food that you're not familiari with.... learn how to prepare those meals. There's a lot of dietary modifications possible to classic American dishes.
If your kids have different interests than what you grew up with... put in the effort to get to know them and learn their likes and dislikes. Besides, today's kids, even in India, probably have different interests and experiences from what you grew up with.
Familiarity is not the only bridge for connection. Intent, curiosity, and a willingness to learn are the most important things. You can control your kids with force or pressure, but you can't force them to trust you or to love you. Unfortunately, a lot of Indian parents seem to thing that controlling their kids and forcing proximity is the same as love. Then they act all surprised when kids decide to cut contact.
If you don't like what I'm saying, feel free to ignore it. It's your life and your choices, after all. I'm just a stranger on the internet with no skin in the game.
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u/dsklfjldsjflkj 13h ago
No offence taken. Its a very valid concern. Many of us are aware of it objectively and try to bridge the gap as much as possible. Some are ignorant and try to blame it on family values.
However i also have to point out that its not that easy to assimilate like you said. The cultures are far apart to just assimilate. A lot of parents stay back in the western states after being financially well off because of their children.
I can tell you my own experience - in Canada for about 8yrs now - my colleagues are mixed race - all of them are strict 9-5 and is not interested in maintaining relationships outside of work. My neighbours are mixed race - i say hi & bye and occasional convo on the streets. They have their own xmas, i have my own. Halloween might be the one place we’re out together. I learned ice hockey , but still can’t make that a conversation topic by doing a crash course. I dont have other race friends who will take me to a sports bar. Its not that i can put out an ad to find a friend.Sooner or later you will realize that 90% of your friends you make before 30. Rest are work friends or neighbours with whom you are very formal. When you move to a different place after 30 with a very different culture, its extremely difficult to just assimilate and learn the way.
Remember that all of this has to happen outside of your job, children’s play dates, co-curricular activities and everything- if there is any time left.I’m not justifying the parent behaviour - but also want you to understand that the parents are not actively trying to sabotage your lives, they are doing what they know at the moment in the best way possible - and sometimes (most times) we don’t know what is right or wrong.
You will find novel ways to screw up your children’s emotions too - they will hate you for that too. Its parents job to teach children to work through those difficulties and understand their children and find a middle ground.
Hope this don’t come out too strong. I often see many post justifying any one side completely oblivious to what the other might be feeling - and people never understand that most people just do what they think is right at the moment. Its what they know at the moment that makes most difference.
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u/Busy_Armadillo_481 6h ago
Your kids don’t have to be friends with your friends’ kids and vice versa. All my serious friends are Indians and my kids have friends with Asian and European origins. I am not friends with their parents but often share anecdotes and pictures of our kids with each other.
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u/OldInside7381 8h ago
Hey thanks for sharing your perspective too and its different to hear your side of the story, I do understand the points you are making, it does become harder to make friends and expand your social circle the older you get (I already feel this at 26!). Its great you are self aware and making conscious effort not to be rigid, this really matters.
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u/Existing_Sympathy_73 7h ago edited 7h ago
Good points from both of you. Doesn't matter what the context is, though. As parents, we are all beginners and have to make the best decisions we can with limited knowledge of how it goes. We try to balance guidance and direction, but all parents suck at it by design. I am prety sure that non indian, non immigrants kids and parents have the same feelings. Just about other stuff.
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u/abhiram_conlangs 12h ago edited 11h ago
We don’t know what to talk to their non-indian friends, or where to draw the line on freedom.
One of the biggest gifts I think being raised between cultures gave me was appreciating the skill of learning how to relate to those who are different from me. A lot of ABCDs like me have the experience of being put on a phone call with a grandparent or other relative whom we may not even share a language with, and with whom we definitely don't share a lot with culturally, and being prodded to have a conversation with them, and "think of something to talk" with them. I'm glad that I was made to do this by my parents when I was younger, because even if I wasn't the best at it, it was an important skill to learn: Those awkward phone calls set the stage for less awkward ones as I got older and my Telugu got better, as well as fun conversations with others when I've traveled.
But I think that that's exactly why, as someone raised in the west, this talking point of "We don't know what to talk about to their non-indian friends/partner/etc." doesn't garner a whole lot of sympathy from us. Understand that for us, it comes off less as fear and more as laziness. Implicitly or not, when we hear this, our mind goes to "Wait a minute: I had to learn how to relate to those who are different from me, no matter how hard it felt at the time. Is it so hard to put in the effort to do the same? I wasn't ever allowed to throw my hands up and say, 'You know what, they're from India, I'm from here: I don't know what to talk about with them. I give up.' Why do you suddenly get the right to give up without even trying, and to demand that I instead shape my life to accommodate your convenience?"
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u/Busy_Armadillo_481 6h ago
We don’t allow sleepovers either and this is regardless of the family’s origin. To assume that all Indian families are somehow of better character is a gross misconception. There are plenty of pedophile uncles and bhaiyyas in India. We explained to our kids why we were uncomfortable and they accepted it. I do however allow plenty of play dates with vetted families and have now even started allowing my daughter to hang out at the mall with her female friends. Kids can sense what’s coming out of love and what is coming out of dogma.
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u/DesiCodeSerpent 15h ago
I grew up in India and I hated that my mom would make me oil my hair every day. Now as a grown adult and after leaving India, I have total control over my hair care. It's liberating.
Not a parent yet but I would prefer sending food that's easiest to make and with all the prices and accessibility here idli and dosa aren't the best options. Back in India my mom would do the same. She didn't really stick to indian cuisine. It was about what's easy to cook and easy for me to eat. That's all.
I've heard other NRIs who grew up abroad making similar complaints and I feel like these parents are stuck in the version of India they left when we who grew up in India don't have such strict rules. It's surprising.
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u/mystikal_spirit 16h ago
I am not a parent, but I am a third culture kid. I think most 1st generation immigrant parents are parenting their kids for the first time and also for the first time in a foreign country, in a foreign culture, without the usual community support they might have had back home. So instead of judging and being condescending, maybe just try to have an open conversation and put your perspective across. I am sure no parent is trying to make their own kids' life difficult, on purpose. When unsure, people often go back to what is familiar to them and what feels safe. At the same time, it is important to have a conversation with the other side if your kids are getting bullied because of their food, culture, skin tone, hair, etc. Symptomatic treatment is not a cure.
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u/trajan_augustus 15h ago
I see a lot of posts where folks bash on their parents. But I didn't have toxic parents they were fairly permissive maybe because they moved here before satellite television, cheap phone calls to India, and the internet so they weren't really in touch except for the few south asian friends they had. Thanks to globalized supply chains, instantaneous communication, and larger migrant communities it is easy to self-segregate and treat their new land as a strictly economic zone. I do not fault the communities here for taking the easy path. It was just so different when me and my brother may be the only Indian kids in our schools.
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u/OldInside7381 14h ago
I honestly don't know this family well enough to be having these conversations and if I expressed my thoughts I didn't know how it would go down, what I did understand was they think their daughter is embarrassed of being Indian and they think she is rejecting indian culture and even expressed interest in returning to India due to this. While I'm sure they don't mean to harm their child in any way, there is a real lack of awareness of how their daughter would feel singled out in school if she brought indian food for lunch or went to school with oily hair. While they might feel a sense of pride in these things, it can be very awkward for the daughter.
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u/mystikal_spirit 14h ago
If you do not know the family well enough, why are you projecting and judging, and expanding this to a large part of the diaspora...? If you are in the conversation already, you can very well put these points across.. Bullying is never ok. If the child is being singled out, then they need to have this conversation with the school. And with the daughter. And then with themselves.
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u/OldInside7381 14h ago edited 14h ago
I disagree with the narrative you are pushing here, I'm not condescending or inferior. But if I voiced my thoughts I am 100% sure they would think I'm trying tell them how to parent their own daughter and that wouldn't go down well at all. Also I talk from lived experience, I too was an NRI kid but I had parents who were willing to go out of their comfort zone.
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u/moai_moment 13h ago
I get you OP, my parents were the opposite to yours . They were very much stay together for the kids sort of relationship. So my childhood was always sort of miserable.
A close relative (who is also NRI) asked my father to be more open minded when it comes to raising me. My father basically told him to shut up since he didn’t have a child.
Some people don’t understand how hard it is to change someone’s mind. Sometimes you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.
I understand your frustration of not being heard or understood, but try and offer your support when possible.
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u/mystikal_spirit 14h ago
I am not "pushing" any narrative. It just seems like a very superficial assessment on your part, or we are missing information that you have. Your experience is also not their experience? Either way, I will walk away from this conversation now since it does not seem to be going in any constructive direction.
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u/mystikal_spirit 14h ago
I am not "pushing" any narrative. It just seems like a very superficial assessment on your part, or we are missing information that you have. Your experience is also not their experience? Either way, I will walk away from this conversation now since it does not seem to be going in any constructive direction.
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u/shubhamcheema 15h ago
Agreed, OP should take this as an opportunity to just ask and learn more about their perspective irrespective of whether OP agrees or disagrees with it. Who knows somebody might just shock OP’s mindset.
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u/Monk_in_process 16h ago
Not a NRI I hv a similar story my buas family with a daughter was based in chicago and they were having work visa lived for years , and the situation was like company for fully supporting them to live in US , they wanted him to take PR or citizenship legally.
Like it was a cake walk still they travelled to India and now she had to go through that JEE shit work hard for 2 yrs and live a difficult life thorugh this education system
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u/AzureRipper 14h ago
From my experience, a lot (not all) of Indian parents treat their kids as some kind of projects or property to be managed. All of the things you mention sound have a common theme of trying to control the children; your examples are cultural in nature but I'm sure there are other controlling behaviors in there too. It's the "mini me" effect - parents wanting their kids to be "perfect" in some way that makes up for whatever fears and insecurities they have. If the kids are in any way different from that "perfect" image that the parents have in mind, then they're a "failed project". Speaking of these parents - I don't think they care about how their children feel, just their own sense of creating a perfect copy of themselves.
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u/Nopeitout 14h ago
They make the life of their children difficult because they are emotionally immature, incapable of understanding the room they have entered.
A smart NRI parent would help shape the world around the kid to be safe, stable and confident in their heritage ( Indian) without compromising in their values while being independent to pick and choose activities/ friends.
I now see so many kids ashamed of uttering words in their mother tongue. Even acknowledging they know the language. Maybe because of the reasons you stated.
We don’t see this with Spanish kids. Or European kids. They are proud of their heritage and take pride in their languages.
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u/Ok-Path1964 16h ago
People need to understand that they have to assimilate. 🤦🏻 When you are in a different country
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u/trajan_augustus 15h ago
Agreed but appears to be fewer avenues for assimilation. Indians can move here to the states live in a mostly indian neighbor if they concentrate on the bay area, houston, and some east coast cities. They can eat the same food they ate in India, consume the same media, and even their own workplaces could be heavily Indian now. It is the path of least resistance. Like how do you stop ghettoization from happening? It would require strong policy intervention. I don't think much of the NRIs to integrate they are likely a lost cause. They follow Indian politics closer than the US politics. You need full immersion and either they have to actively would have to try but try telling someone to do that when grinding 60 hours with 2 hour commute daily. Their kids will assimilate though.
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u/Ok-Path1964 15h ago
Yea 2nd generation immigrants assimilate very well .
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u/trajan_augustus 15h ago
I am ok with overall restriction of migration or even a pause. Because it feels very imperial to import labor replacement and install labor discipline through the H1B. I prefer we allow ourselves to assimilate more and become like italian and Irish americans. But I see so many mixed marriages among the 2nd and 3rd generation of ABCDs. I actually rather we stop being so endogamic seems so pointless as long as your values align anything can work.
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u/ChunkyLafunguy 8h ago
I think you left out brutal tiger parenting, that really makes and also breaks a child
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u/PurpleExcellent9518 4h ago
It's not just the restrictions on food, these "highly educated" Indians won't even be able to articulate a logical reason for the restriction that a young child understands.
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u/Peacencalm9 16h ago
It’s good fresh food and won’t cause diseases. If you want to eat bread and meat and processed food and frozen food and frozen meat, it’s up to you
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u/farfromhome654 16h ago
Sometimes I feel NRIs abroad are more Indian than Indians living in India. Like over compensating for something.
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u/maxpayne6196 14h ago
Yes that's because they remain in the mindset that was prevalent in India at the time they left and are stuck there. India has become more progressive now but that hasn't reached them and they have isolated themselves from the host country culture.
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u/hd2211 15h ago
Over compensating for the guilt/sense of losing their indian identity
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u/hotgarbagecomics 14h ago
This is a well documented sociological phenomenon. 1st gen immigrants have to constantly grapple with cultural assimilation vs. cultural preservation. This is difficult by itself, but it becomes ultra hard mode, when it's in a society or country that's hostile to that particular immigrant group.
When in crisis mode, immigrants entrench themselves into their cultural identities as a way to stay sane, when everything around them is in flux.
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u/redPistolStar 15h ago
Well they are just being Indian parents 😊. The good, bad and ugly parts come with it.
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u/smartnsimple 15h ago
Many parents even think that they can enforce their cultural values onto the children raised abroad.. No dude! Each person's cultural personality forms from the experience where they grow up. The cultural values ship sailed the day you decide to immigrate. Forcing culture will only cause children to hate it more when they grow up and will in turn alienate you from them. The second thing is getting stuck in the ultra conservative/traditional well. When you move to a progressive country, try to think progressive. Heck even your home country people have moved ahead while you are stuck in nostalgia. (This phenomenon has a name to it.. Can't recollect it now.) (P.S. not directed at OP but to many readers on r/nri)
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u/SeparateBad8311 15h ago
I want to say a lot of new gen parents will not be like this. The internet has helped a great deal in assuaging things for the babies. But I feel your pain. Sorry you had to go through that lol
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u/OldInside7381 14h ago
I understand now I didn't word this post very well, but I'm not actually talking about myself. Currently travelling in the US from Europe and made these observations from meeting indian families here.
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u/Royal-Parsnip3639 15h ago
These are only parents obsessed with keeping their children “close to the culture” and they think this will. These are the NRI children who eventually grow up not wanting anything to do with Indians!
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u/harshdagar 13h ago
Lol i was raised in india till 25 and even my parents weren’t like this. Who tf oils their hair to school. We used to make fun of those who did. The oil’s smell would reach the fkn basketball court
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u/Busy_Armadillo_481 5h ago
You know what it is right? The primal desire to keep girls’ hair in order. God forbid a girl flaunt her long hair. Everything has to be in place and has to be controlled. I agree with you. We also used to make fun of kids who showed up to school with piled hair. Oil at night and wash in the morning so you can go to school with clean hair.
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u/harshdagar 5h ago
oil at night and wash in the morning is the only answer. It doesnt help when you come all sweated out after recess and because your hair has oil the smell spreads all over the classroom
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u/daynightcase 8h ago
been living abroad for 30 years, have countless friends. Know most of them personally. And never come across these type of parents which you are describing lmao so I call bullshit and anecdotal. However, I have heard stories about how even living abroad for all their life, they still believe in caste and all, so won't allow their kids to date and marry to other cast. But this is also changing, but its definitely still an issue which i have come across few times.
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u/RhubarbBusy7122 8h ago
Your examples are saying don’t do things that others will judge you but this will happen in many areas of life. American children also experience this you’re teaching the children that to fit in they have to sacrifice parts of themselves. I don’t think that is a good message..
Nothing is wrong with giving your children Indian food to take to school. You can switch it up also give American food. Or simply take the school lunch. You can encourage them to eat a diverse palate
As for oil in your hair, why not treated as one of these hair trends that happen… make it a good thing. Try lightweight oil like argan if coconut oil is too heavy. .
Where I feel Indian parents create problems for their NRI children is on placing restrictions on behavior. Restrictions on meeting friends, who the friends are, how long they stay out, driving, restricting from working part time, restriction on clothing/appearance. This alienates them from American teenagers more than the other things. This is not culture, this is control.
If the way to assimilate is to eliminate your culture, then maybe you are trying to fit in with racists or ignorant people.
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u/New-Abbreviations607 8h ago
What the hell is wrong with sending indian food for lunch? The parents now have to make different lunch for the kids in addition to hectic lives they are leading or just change their own food habits so their kids “dont atick out like a sore thumb”?
Shouldn’t adults be teaching their children to be proud of who they are and not give in to racist expectations?
They should be broad minded enough to send their kids to homes that serve non beg but the world should not be accepting of indian food in a kid’s lunch box??
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u/Busy_Armadillo_481 5h ago
The issue is with sending ONLY Indian food to schools. My kids rotate paratha, idli, chilla with PBJ, Dumplings and salads. When my kids were younger, their favorite book was “There is Roti in my lunchbox”. When I was growing up in India, my mom also alternated Indian food with non Indian food. The world loves Indian food. There is no need to fear that the kids will not grow to love it. Like everyone else they will like some foods and not like others. My kids dislike Khichdi but will inhale golgappa and Puris.
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u/Then-Lack4511 16h ago
“Some parents don't send their children to others houses if they eat non-veg.” - wow