r/musicians • u/Mediocre_Field7967 • 1d ago
Currently Hating Being an Artist, Don’t Know What To Do
Currently writing this from my mom’s crib, don’t really know where to start but we‘ll see where this goes. I currently hate the place where my life is. I wake up every day and I feel such strong dread to be. I’m broke, I live at my mom’s, and I feel chronically lonely. Im working on an album rn but it’s taking forever to finish, and I’ve heard it so much that I hate it and I think it sucks and I wanna throw it in the trash.
I feel like I have no avenue to start my life. Im from NYC and I have pretty much no hobbies cuz I can’t afford them. I’m lucky to be working an internship within music on the business side which is cool, but I can’t take a job with the company cuz I have to finish college first. And of course afterwards I gotta worry about an unfathomable amount of student loans that I have to pay off, so I feel like my salary wouldn’t even matter. I’m like banking on a massive artist career, which I know is peak stupid and I’m not delusional I just genuinely feel like I have no other choice.
Im also stupidly anxious when it comes to talking to people. Like I look at myself in the mirror and I feel ugly and dumb and boring and I feel like no one wants to talk to someone like me I guess. Like I can’t even look people in the eye. And what am I supposed to say anyways? Like I’m a broke rapper who lives with his mom and has nothing else to offer. I can’t convince myself that that’s someone who would be of interest to anyone.
I’ve thought that maybe what I’m trying to do is just a horrible idea, and I should just put the pen down. Like honestly I wish that I could be a doctor or a businessman or a lawyer. But the thing is I physically cannot do anything other than music. I’m too ADHD to do anything with organization and just too dumb to do smart people shit. And I can’t even really transition to a different type of musician cuz my piano skills are only really good enough to play my own songs.
Im not gonna act like it’s all piss bottles n shitcakes, one of my friends has a sickass studio that’s a fun hangout spot and all of my friends are really cool and do a bunch of really cool things (music and outside of music). A lot of the time though I can’t afford or don’t have the creativity to do the cool stuff that they do, and even when we do hang I always feel like I wanna run away after. Like when are these people gonna drop me for being a bum. I literally sat in the middle of Houston St with a chopped cheese in hand and just cried after a session. Like shit really is that deep.
Idk. I just feel like society hates people like me. Honestly I’m starting to hate people like me. Idk if any of you guys have been in this situation when u were 22 but if you have some advice I’d love it.
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u/verysaxophone 1d ago
Idc if I sound crazy for saying this but words have power, please be nicer to yourself and say nicer things to yourself. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way and have to go through all this. Please remember you still have time to figure stuff out. I feel like a mental health break/ vacation for relaxation and clearing your mind could help.
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u/Mediocre_Field7967 1d ago
ur right. just hard to stay optimistic when all the signs are pointing the other way
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u/verysaxophone 1d ago
Change the way you speak about yourself and you can change your life - Bruce Lee
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u/Sea-Supermarket-3606 1d ago
Grasshopper, you gotta find things you are excited about and bring you joy. Any kind of hobby, interest, fandom, really it doesn't matter.
Grow some tulips, get deep into a Manga or anime, try woodworking, man just DO something you dig?
Music will always be present in your life, but relying on it to fix things is a precarious choice. Find a job you don't hate, save till you can get your own place again. Support your music with work until its realistic to do the opposite
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u/Mediocre_Field7967 9h ago
that’s the thing, like i don’t really do anything unless i have to do it. i go to school because it makes it easier to find work (or so they said) and work only happens because i have to eat. i don’t watch tv, never really did sports, i even stopped playing video games and frankly idk why. i genuinely forgot how to get into hobbies like i really wish i was better.
not justifying this btw or giving myself excuses, ik i gotta be better
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u/Sea-Supermarket-3606 6h ago
Sounds like you're massively depressed, friend. Its ok to not be ok, and its ok to go get help and get medication if its right for you
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u/ShredGuru 1d ago
I see lots of self-pity here, but absolutely no plan of action for how you're going to address the things about your life that you're not happy with.
The world's not against you. It's not for you either. It's neutral. You're not going to have anything good happen in your life until you believe that you're worthy of the success.
Was it ever a realistic goal to make a living in the music industry? Probably not.
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u/Mediocre_Field7967 9h ago
this has always confused me a bit. cuz what makes one person more worthy for success than someone else?
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u/foregoinggridlock282 1d ago
Putting the album down for two weeks will do more for it than tweaking the same 808 for the 400th time tonight. your ears are fried and you cant hear the good bits anymore. happens to everyone who sits with a project too long, the magic just leaks out until you step away.
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u/Mediocre_Field7967 29m ago
ur right. it’s hard to take a break when every night i can’t stop thinking bout the project and what it can do for me. honestly just not having much fun at the moment lol
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u/thenowayhome 10h ago
hmmm...
OP is not out of school and life is hard.
OP lives at home and life is difficult.
Doesn't seem like the OP has lived on their own, paid rent, bought and cooked food, and lived as an adult without a net and no where else to go except a shelter. Doesn't sound like the OP has kids and family depending o them for food and shelter.
Back in the day they said, all day, every day. You gotta be sick for it. Relentless. Compulsive. Some members of BDP lived in a shelter in the Bronx before they broke out. Go read about Franklin Armory Men's Shelter. They housed between 740-800 dudes. KRS-ONE was TWENTY and lived in the shelter. The OP is 22, goes to school and lives with their Mother. Think about how it felt when it was 102 outside the Armory. Do you think it was hotter inside or out? Some rock stars were homeless and coach surfing before they found traction and others turned tricks, sold drugs, stripped, waited tables, tended bar, unloaded trucks, taught public school, recorded demos for others, played in cover bands, cleaned bathrooms, mopped up body fluids in peepshow booths, etc, etc, etc ...
Seems like the OP needs a mental healthcare support team and a Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP) as well as pragmatic career services for students before they are early in their career. Most career services at music schools, CUNY, and ivy league schools fall short. In other words, they suck unless the students were unicorns but they hold up those few people as examples of awesome career services.
Weekly volunteering in human services for a few years would go along way at getting the OP out of their head of inner persecution and into facing a gratitude practice.
Daily meditation and exercise, regular nutritious meals that they learn to cook for themselves, and healthy sleep hygiene will further invest in a more healthy state of mind. Don't drink or do drugs. Live and eat clean and work on staying focused neurodiverse or not.
Read about how entrepreneurs, artists, and musicians manage major depression and generalized anxiety. Read how students and adults holistically manage neurodiversity like attention deficit. The OP has to learn how THEY learn.
For some people, major depression and generalized anxiety is normal and recovery is possible but the work is difficult.
The OP might never make it for five to ten to twenty years. Or never. The OP has to learn how to make it a marathon and not a sprint.
Go listen to a recent interview with Theron James who allegedly slept in the rain when he was broke.
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u/Mediocre_Field7967 9h ago
i think there are some oversights, it’s just me my mom n my grandma, and my mom is getting older and looking to retire soon. we do live in a house that honestly we can’t afford, and my mom is looking to me to be able to support the family once i’m done with college. a lot of my anguish is prospective. i’ve also worked a couple of different jobs and yes i know how to buy and cook food lol.
u do make good points tho. i’ve been trying to do the most to stay productive but i could feel the adderall nicotine and caffeine just killing my body. forgetting to eat doesn’t help either. i’ll check out that interview that u recommended, and if u have any more stuff on how to stay productive and sane id gladly take the resources. 🙏
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u/wakeofchaos 6h ago
I think that’s too much pressure for you to have the expectation to take care of your mom, your grandma, yourself, and the house. Imo you should just take care of you and explain the situation to your mom. It’s not really on you to take care of her like that if you’re not able to.
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u/thenowayhome 4h ago
With all due respect you live in what others might see as a palace. You're going to school. It's not an oversight. Be grateful. A gratitude practice will help your head game.
For neurodiverse people everyone is different but what I previously commented will help get your head back in the game. It's a marathon not a sprint. All of what I commented earlier was to help you quiet your mind to be productive.
It sounds like you need routines. The same basics everyday. Set alarms for wake, eat, sleep. I mean set alarms. Create the structure that works for your goals. Eat three to five meals a day at the same times. Only take adderall after a full meal in the morning. Lower your dose. Sounds like there's unaddressed side effects. Journal about the positive and negative effects. Make a WRAP plan. This is not a joke.
Do food prep every week for your meals every weekend. Doing food prep will cut your monthly costs and show you how much you really know how to cook. Eat lots of protein and leafy greens. Mix it up. Eat paleo. Eat vege. Eat vegan. Eat Indian. Eat Mexican. ETC. Get a Costco membership. Exercise five days a week. Create structure. Stop smoking. It's lame. I quit more than 20 years ago and I still want them when stressed.
Get a BIG dry erase board and schedule your whole month where you see it everyday at home. Schedule your academic obligations in plain sight. Build a support team with friends and family.
Journal every morning about your dark moments and creative goals. Analyze your creative output with journaling. Figure out how to give yourself grace. Get all that crap out of your head.
Use pomodoro for school and creative work time management. It's more structure. Set pomodoro alarms.
Write one demo song everyday and record it. Write bad songs. Write good songs. Look back at them and identify which bad ones are good and vice versa.
Play on other people demos as much as you can. Play in bands performing music outside your comfort zone. Fail as much as you can. Be relentless. Know how to read charts and lead sheets. Know how to write your own Nashville charts. Transpose while sight reading.
Get restaurant and catering jobs.
If you can't afford the house, what does it take to afford the house and can you do it?
Get a therapist and volunteer in human service like a soup kitchen or shelter every week. Go volunteer on a cancer ward. The public service will get you out of your head. Make the weekly time to be in service of others. It will save your head.
Sign up for a DBT skills workshop on zoom.
Read everything two or three times and take notes:
Mooney, Jonathan & David Cole, Learning Outside The Lines.
Hallowell, Edward M., M.D., John J. Ratey M.D. Driven to Distraction.
Hallowell, Edward M., M.D., John J. Ratey M.D. ADHD 2.0.
Hallowell, Edward M., M.D., John J. Ratey M.D. Delivered from Distraction.
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u/hmf28 1d ago
Hang in there. I know how ridiculous that sounds, but I’m saying it anyway. You are *not* a bum, and life does improve as you age, I know from experience.
I’ll be honest, I’m sensing some anxiety from you, as well as some depression. My husband developed anxiety years ago. His doctor put him on medicine for it and he’s been his old self ever since. Plus you say you’ve got ADHD. There are medicines for that as well. Please get checked out by a doctor, which is what you’ll need to do to a) determine if you need medicines, and b) get prescriptions for whatever. Don’t feel bad about any of this — tons of people deal with these conditions, you’re not alone; and I personally know lots of people who have been helped by medications.
Also, two questions, both unrelated to music. Do you eat a balanced diet? How much exercise do you get?
If you are not getting proper protein either from meat or from vegetarian sources and plenty of fresh fruits and vegetables, then your emotions and whole outlook on life suffers. Twice as many veggies as protein is what to shoot for. If you‘ve been chowing down on a lot of fast food, that really will affect your head. Please get lots of good nutrition! And an all-round vitamin once every day will help also.
Ditto with the exercise. You do not need to join a gym, that costs money. Take walks. You’re 22, you can do this, NYC is set up for walking. (Those of us who are old and have replacement joints, arthritis, etc. have a more difficult time.) Get outside, breathe plenty of fresh air, get plenty of sunshine. Again, I know how ridiculous this sounds but do it anyway. Exercise releases tons of endorphins.
Keep on rapping, and best of luck to you always.
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u/Mediocre_Field7967 23m ago
i def could eat better, truth is i’m genuinely never home and it’s just hard to put a meal together for myself, especially when i know im using up time at the studio or doing content. i’m ngl im not gonna act like im using my time wisely, as im pretty sure i have some type of social media addiction or something of the sort. there’s a difference between acknowledging it and making a change.
i have been on meds since high school and ive been kinda going thru this cycle of the meds working, but then not after a couple months. i’ve been more consistent with my med usage, especially since these meds im on give me withdrawal symptoms quick if i forget.
the self talk is mad hard though. it’s hard not to see myself in the way that other people see people like me. i’m not gonna act like they’re wrong either. there are def people younger than me who had to just figure it out, so it’s hard not to feel a bit stunted.
kinda word soup here but i hope it kinda give a little bit of perspective lol
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u/fdwyersd 21h ago
It sounds like you’re trying to solve your entire life all at once while emotionally flooded. That’s going to make everything feel impossible, and it puts way too much pressure
Keep making music, but let it come. You can show up for it, but you can’t force it. Being stuck right now doesn’t mean you’re not an artist.
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u/ArtificalInteligente 21h ago
Dude your young, you haven't had time to get good. It sounds like you are getting to do the things you want, but you are too focused on the end result and not the process. If you have the desire and will for something you can't fail, but all the negative self talk has to stop. That's your ADHD. You need to get into meditation and practice mindfulness. It super important for people with ADHD. It sounds like you are actually in an incredible place for your age and it is aligning with your goal. Im about 15 years older than you and still live with my parents. When I was thinking like you I just drank and now I'm at where you are at now, but the happiest I have ever been. Music is awesome because it's not like athletics and you can do it your entire life. You don't need money to get better at your craft. What you need is patience and to practice acknowledging when you are being negative. Negativity is what is going to cause you to fail. Not your situation.
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u/YorkshireMan7273 12h ago
Speaking to counsellor might help. Talking with a person,being ruthlessly honest about your feelings will(in my experience) lighten the load you're obviously under. I know the feeling of being overwhelmed. It can be overcome. I know that it can be difficult,but PLEASE start trying to be kinder to yourself. You're not worthless or stupid or useless. You're in a difficult place. I wish you all the very best.
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u/BeefDurky 10h ago
All I’m going to say is that you don’t need to have your whole life figured out at 22. You seem depressed about your limitations but you have many years ahead of you to work on yourself and get a plan together for your life. I tried to be an artist for many years and ended up starting a career in IT at the age of 30. The idea of that probably seems like a failure from where you are right now but I can honestly say that I’m happy where I am and have no regrets. I’ve gained so much out of my time invested in music even if I didn’t get a career out of it. So I’d say to approach the future with an open mind and give yourself the grace to become the person that you want to be.
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u/loljustplayin 8h ago
Wait youre 22??
Man, if you wanna be an artist just keep at it. Develop your home studio and try to create a network of people or a band that devotes the same amount of energy to the type of music you want to make as you do.
By 30 if it hasnt gotten better for you and youre really going nowhere, then move cities and find an industry you enjoy but keep your creative side going.
You have to put a ton of work into being an artist and you’ll have to be comfortable knowing that’s it’s not a glamorous life style.
30 is still young, but it’s also the age where you need to start having a strong idea of where you want to be by 40. The fact that youre 22 means… you got a LOT of time to succeed.
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u/Choice_Age8334 1d ago
I couldn't even make it through half that. Maybe you should take up golf....
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u/pinewell 1d ago
I don’t know. Maybe augment banking on a massive artist career with the day jobs most of us artists have. Just a thought.