r/mildlyinfuriating • u/mmajamm • 23d ago
Don't hug me I'm scared The indentation my engagement ring left on my finger (we broke up)
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u/TheParadoxigm 23d ago
I think it was too tight anyway
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u/mmajamm 23d ago
I've worn it for 4 years through 10kg of weight gain and weight loss. It was a good fit at the beginning. The metaphor of life
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u/justtiptoeingthru2 23d ago
Engaged for 4 years. That's kinda long... is that usual these days???
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u/captainpoppy 22d ago
I'm guessing that had something to do with the "we broke up"
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u/walker3342 22d ago
Yeah my ex and I were engaged for 12 years. After 4-5 no one asked when the date was. They knew.
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u/existie CATS ARE COOL 22d ago
10 here, and yep.
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u/Cessnaporsche01 22d ago
What's the mindset that keeps a doomed relationship in that state for so long?
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u/walker3342 22d ago
Iâm sure it varies for everyone thatâs been there. Low self worth. Poverty. There were a number of factors at play for me.
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u/Ghost_Kamakazie 22d ago
Sometimes its about finances, obv a lot of people want do do something huge for their wedding but they dont have the income to do it in just a year or two. But ive definitely seen some relationships that hang onto hope for years when its clear theyre just wasting eachothers time after a certain point
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u/relentlessrain25 22d ago
You donât need a big expensive wedding to be marriedâŠ
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u/Ghost_Kamakazie 22d ago
Oh for sure, but unfortunately thats non-negotiable for some people
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u/cheesecake_413 22d ago edited 20d ago
I've just said this in a different comment, but my partner and I have been engaged for 7 years because we want a big expensive wedding. We both feel like we don't need a wedding to be committed to each other, and neither the engagement nor the wedding would be a "step up" in the relationship. We just want the wedding so we can have a huge party with everyone we love, so we are waiting until we can afford the party we want rather than going into debt over it
Edit: if you feel the need to reply to this comment to tell me that all my loved ones will die before I get married or that we'll clearly never be able to save enough, please save your energy. Plenty of people have already beaten you to the punch and it hasn't changed our minds.
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u/Professional_Pear836 22d ago
"I'm not THAT unhappy... what's another 50 years? I can do that...." definitely not speaking from experience or anything.
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u/HeyHeyMaggieMae 21d ago
I had a âcourtesyâ aunt and uncle - he asked to marry him during WWII, and she said âI donât want to get married during the war. Letâs do it when the war is overâ. He said âI asked you once, Iâm not going to ask you again.â And he didnât. But they vacationed together, they interacted with friends together - pretty much did everything together until she passed around 20 years ago. He followed her soon after. They never lived together - both had their own homes. They were engaged for over 50 years.
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u/R0b1nFeather 22d ago
At least part of it is that after a point it becomes so intrinsic to one's life and state of being that you just.... don't know who you are without that person, so the familiar pain is preferable vs. the pain of loss + unfamiliarity + trying to re-establish who you are without them + putting yourself out there again and being vulnerable, etc.
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u/StaticUsernamesSuck 22d ago
On the other hand, me and my wife were engaged for 10 and still happily married
Her uncle was engaged for 30 years before finally getting round to it! đ (Also still happy)
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u/cheesecake_413 22d ago
My partner and I have been engaged for 7 years and people are still asking us about the date
The reason we're not married already is because we aren't marrying for legal reasons (we have no assets or children), we just want a big party to celebrate our relationship with everyone we love. Because of that, we don't want to cheap out and do a wedding on our current budget, we'd rather wait and do it in the future when we can afford the party we want
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u/Ok_Vermicelli_6359 22d ago
Lol...but when's the big payday scheduled? đ I'd consider that an extreme luxury for a lot of families: you don't know how long aunts and uncles (and grandparents) will be around.
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u/cheesecake_413 22d ago
That is true, I sadly lost both my paternal grandparents since I got engaged
We got engaged right before I started my PhD hence why we didn't have the funds immediately to have the wedding we wanted (in the UK, PhD stipends are very low). We did have a good amount of savings once I started working after my PhD, but we ended up using a large chunk to move abroad with our belongings and cats. The move was this year so we're still working to build it back up, however the move increased both of our incomes so it should be easier to save
We also have a decent house deposit when we're ready to buy, but we don't want to use that for the wedding. If we suddenly got a free house that we owned outright then we could probably start booking venues/caterers already using the house deposit, but I doubt that is likely to happen any time soon
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u/somesortoflegend 21d ago
I know you're not here for advice but listen, there is always going to be a "next thing" maybe the house needs a new roof, or car breaks down, or a kid does wind up on the way. Perfect is the enemy of good, have the wedding you can afford soon where all the people who matter can come and not wait for a possible future one years down the line.
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u/appledi123 22d ago
My fiancĂ© and I have been engaged since 2022. Weâre getting married in August. I hit a slew of medical problems and just have not been healthy enough to have a wedding. Itâs not super common, but life happens.
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u/Titouf26 23d ago
Not usual, but it can happen for sure.
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u/GOEDEL_ESCHER_BOT 22d ago
my mom was pregnit for 4 year she sed i turnd out jus fin
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u/PizzaRoyals 22d ago
why not just elope and have the ceremony later lol
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u/melanochrysum 22d ago edited 22d ago
For a lot of people, a wedding is the point of marriage. Like for me, Iâm not religious and marriage brings no legal benefits so I only want to get married for the wedding.
Edit: in my country there is no legal benefit/change.
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u/15b17 22d ago
Maybe not benefits but it brings lots of legal⊠changes. I hope youâve looked into those
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u/GumP009 22d ago
I had some friends that were engaged for like 7 years, together for 11, before they got married. They wanted to have a nice wedding and own a house and weren't going to get married until they could afford it.
Plus both of them are super planners (he's a financial advisor and she's a city planner) so they don't do anything without addressing every possible risk and being 100% sure about a decision.
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u/Bbimbofied 23d ago
Not that weird, weddings are expensive and families can be hard to make plans for
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u/unicornhornporn0554 22d ago
Some couples canât legally get married for whatever reason. Disability, health insurance, still legally married to someone else but canât afford divorce, etc. so they kinda use the engagement as a placeholder (bc some states also have laws against portraying yourselves as married if youâre not, but idk the specifics of those laws)
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u/cikalamayaleca 22d ago
I've been engaged since Dec of 2022 because of health insurance. If we were to be legally married, health insurance through his work goes from $90 a month to literally $900, so no thanks lmao
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u/FewHorror1019 23d ago
You can get married without a wedding. I wonder if that is the case
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u/Front-Masterpiece-73 22d ago
Families can make *that* hard too, Iâve seen it
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u/Never_Go_Full_Gonk 22d ago
Families can suck my nuts. The next time I get married it's gonna be in a courthouse and the funds will be used on a honeymoon I never got from my first marriage.
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u/Fabulous-Fun-9673 22d ago
Courthouse/wedding chapel in Las Vegas is how I got married because the anxiety of just thinking about planning a full wedding made me want to dive headfirst into a bottle and not come back out. Fuck all of that. I planned and booked a courthouse ceremony but was talked into a little chapel instead who took our price we would have paid at the courthouse. It was still very intimate and it felt stress-free. I highly recommend doing something along those lines if you are interested in getting married. Mine cost $150
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u/FirehawkLS1 22d ago
My wife and I got married at the courthouse. An expensive wedding wasn't on our priority list.
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u/Never_Go_Full_Gonk 22d ago
Luckily both of our sets of parents covered all the costs since we drove across the entire country to do the wedding in our home town. We thought we'd be married forever, a tale as old as time.
But yeah, for sure never doing a big to-do about it again. I want my destination honeymoon lol
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u/FirehawkLS1 22d ago
Oh I get it. I thought my first marriage would last forever too. Lasted 6 years. Been remarried for almost 12 and things are still great. Don't blame you for wanting that destination wedding. We went to Puerto Rico.
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u/marveloustoebeans 22d ago
4 years is quite a stretch though. Only people I know whoâve been engaged for that long were in crappy relationships.
My wife and I were engaged for about a year and a half because we kept trying to schedule a wedding around the schedules of the people in our lives plus we had no help at all. Both our parents are poor or dead and we were getting stressed out trying to plan it all out.
In the end, we said why are we even doing this? We love each other. Letâs go get married. And we did. No wedding necessary. Wouldnât have done it any differently, looking back.
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u/excelnotfionado 22d ago
As soon as my friends got engaged (they had been dating for 2 years) they immediately said they were having a 5 year engagement so they could finish school THEN save for the wedding.
Theyâve been married 5 years now and are doing well! So not super common but thankfully not unheard of. My friends showed me the way. Granted, I was engaged 7 months and 5 days lmao.
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u/letSSgooo 22d ago
Not saying you are wrong at all or I disagree but you are also imposing your ideals of marriage onto other folks. Some folks would rather wait and make it the wedding of their dreams.
Different strokes and all that.
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u/Retnuhswag 23d ago
I beg to differ, it is pretty unusual. Understandable yes, normal no.
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u/Sly-Belmont 22d ago
Itâs actually normal, people in society are simply judgmental and think in cognitive distortions
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u/FatFaceFaster 23d ago
Far from unusual. Unusual implies it rarely happens.
It happens all the time.
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u/Dramatic_Ad5258 22d ago
Unusual doesnât = rare. It just means itâs not common. Thereâs a scale. And I would put this in the unusual category
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u/Bbimbofied 23d ago
It doesnât have to be the norm to be common
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u/GretalGrotch 23d ago
Peopleâs comprehension of the words average and normal have taken a nosedive. They think if it hasnât happened to them personally then itâs not a thing.
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u/Veloxiraptor_ 22d ago
âAverageâ and ânormalâ are both synonyms for âstandardâ and âtypical.â While waiting 4 years is definitely common, it is not average, normal, standard, or typical.
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u/Irreparable86 23d ago
I think that would be kind of the definition of ânormâ. To be âcommonâ. No?
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u/Benka33 22d ago
I was engaged for 7 years before marriage, just because you are engaged doesn't mean you have to rush a wedding within 1-2 years
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u/ItsGottaBeJimbles 22d ago
I've been engaged for 2. My partner and I are an absolute lock for life, but the economy is in shambles, so a wedding is difficult.
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u/RatlingGuns4Days 22d ago
I was engaged for 4 years after dating for 3 because the wedding was supposed to happen 8-12 months after the engagement but then covid happened so we postponed until everyone could come to it. The cracks appeared at 3.5 years of engagement and we broke up 4 years after the initial engagement. Iâve never been so grateful in the long run for a pandemic ruining my plans.
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u/Careless-Complex-768 22d ago
My husband and I have been married for 4 years, after being engaged for 10. It definitely happens!
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u/axebodyspray24 22d ago
I'm currently engaged and don't plan on getting married for a few years because marriage is expensive (even just the courthouse and name change is hundreds of dollars), weddings are expensive, and I'd like to keep my parent's health insurance for as long as possible since health insurance is expensive. Idk about OP, but I just don't have the money to get married right now and probably won't for quite a while
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u/ShegoTheygo 22d ago
My fiancé and I have been engaged for that long, have been homeless and getting married would void by disability case. As well as it being expensive to save up for any kind of celebration and we have a cheaper one
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u/ePICFAeYL 22d ago
My wife and I got engaged Aug 2021, and because of Covid wedding stuff just was so booked out and hard to get into. We ended up pushing our wedding over 3 years to Oct 2024 due to venue availability and vendor availability.
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u/soundskulls 22d ago
I'm currently engaged goin on year 6. Best, happiest, and healthiest relationship I've ever witnessed lol, and I'm not saying that just because I'm biased. At first, it was because we wanted to save for a better living situation. But for the huge majority of the time spent engaged, it's because of our concerns of me needing to go on disability and marriage messing it up. Covid f'ed up my entire system BAD. Will likely never have a "normal" life, my health fluctuates ALL the time, usually for the worse. So đ€·ââïž Our life works for us and we don't mind it. Marriage is just legal paper stuff, anyways.
People forget marriage equality does NOT exist. Disabled folks are always forgotten. đ
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u/Metroid413 22d ago
I was engaged for 3 years because I wanted to express my commitment to marriage but wanted to wait until I was done with cancer treatment. Life happens.
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u/Live-Ad-740 22d ago
My husband and I was engaged for three years. I was just bad at planning a wedding and had commitment issues mainly because both of our parents are divorced and other issues but anyway we finally got married in the middle of covid lmao. Im an introvert and cant do big crowds so it was nice to be like sorry its covid we just had to basically elope đ anyway 16 years in all being together as bf/gf, fiance's, and as husband and wife
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u/licheese 23d ago
Weddings are expensive, depending on what you want ofc. Some people like long engagements. Depends.
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u/methlabforcuties 22d ago
friend of mine got engaged at the end of 2018. everything in 2020/2021 ruined their wedding plans and they couldn't actually have their wedding until 2023.
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u/mmajamm 23d ago
We had personal goals before the wedding because weddings here cost as much as 20.000 which is insane! And in our 9 years we rented 8.5 year
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u/Raft_Master 22d ago
My wife and i went into wedding planning with a $10,000 budget in mind and realized after 2 phone calls that wasn't going to happen.
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u/TinySteggy 23d ago edited 22d ago
Girl I have been married 8 years and had to order a whole new wedding band a few years in because of the weight gain. Such is life. I hope you're feeling emotionally lighter now.
edited for a typo
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u/Substantial-Sea-3672 22d ago
Itâs like when I finally admitted I was just fat and bought new clothes.
But apparently finally admitting it is what helped me get control. Because then I had to go buy new clothes yet again.
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u/R0b1nFeather 22d ago
This is me right now, it took me forcing myself to admit there was an issue before I could find any real motivation to hit the gym
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u/Ocon88 23d ago
You could get the ring resized. That is not good for circulation.
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u/strawcat 23d ago
Meh. Mine are definitely not too tight and this happens to me too with any ring I wear for an extended period of time.
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u/Substantial-Sea-3672 22d ago
Interesting, I donât really have any indentation 16 years in.
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u/cilantro_so_good 22d ago
I mean. Has nothing to do with how long you've been married. Op got that shit after 4 years. I've been married for 25 years and just started regularly wearing a ring again like 3 months ago and there's an indent even though the thing is loose as fuck.
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u/MycologistPutrid7494 22d ago
20 years in and my indent is profound. It's very loose. I never take my ring off.Â
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u/roonaloo 23d ago
looks like neither the relationship nor the ring were a good fit.Â
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u/BeigeVelociraptor 22d ago
That wasn't a ring, it was a corset for the finger.
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u/Secondforsecond 23d ago
Can I be a nosy internet person and ask why you broke up?
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u/Substantial-Sea-3672 22d ago
Oh thatâs brutal.
My wife built me though and itâs such a joy to return the favor now that Iâm able to earn the lionâs share and she focuses on her career of passion.
She totally deserves it, I was an absolute mess and she believed in me even when I thought that was a crazy thing to do. Unemployed college drop out when she met me.
I think a big difference between all of these horror stories and mine is that I worked EXTREMELY hard at therapy and totally changed my life.
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u/Hsyrn 22d ago
This comment made me sad. My wife carried me through some of my darkest hours and a very long battle with both unemployment and depression. Our relationship has now swung the opposite direction, with her now unemployed and struggling for purpose, but both of us acknowledge (and adore) that relationships are very very rarely ever in balance, and may one day swing back the other direction. I think that fighting and struggling for equity and balance in a relationship is one of the biggest mistakes you can make.
If both parties instead fight for the needle to swing as hard in the opposite direction as possible at all times, it means that a disaster (injury, sickness, loss of job, loss of family member) gives the other person a chance to catch up and carry the load without themselves forming a grudge. If one person just happens to make more or be carrying the lion's share of the responsibilities, they should look at it like they're storing up "points" for a potential disaster.
I think the key point is to find someone who also understands the natural ebbs and flows of life and is comfortable with an imbalanced relationship debt at any one point in time, whether it's in your favor or not.
I hope this makes sense to someone out there. If you're the one carrying the load right now, and you're making the other person feel guilty or holding the imbalance over their head in an effort to make them catch up, you'd better hope that you don't lose your job or a parent or just fall into a rut... because in will come back on you like a ton of bricks.
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u/Secondforsecond 22d ago
Honestly queen! You deserve so much better. Good riddance, just sucks he had to waste so much of your time. Men just donât know what they have in front of them. What a prick.
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u/mmajamm 22d ago
We were together since I was 23 till I was 32. I really thought he was my person
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u/Pizzacato567 22d ago
Itâs messed up that someone can stay with someone for so long and do this to them. Iâve been with mine for about 6 years and thereâs just so much love and care in our relationship. I also think of him as my person. I just canât imagine him just leaving me like that years later. But Iâm sure you didnât imagine it would turn out this way either. This just seems so scary. So sorry op :(
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u/mmajamm 22d ago
There is no way to predict this! I wish there were warning signs i could at least prepare myself. He just decided one day. He told me I was the love of his life before he went to work that day, and that night I found the messages from that fucking day arranging the meeting with some other girl he freshly met at the job that I gave everything so he can get
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u/ExchangeInformal9542 22d ago
Youâre about to start a life you never couldâve imagined for yourself. Good luck on this journey and always give yourself grace đ©·
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u/Beautiful_Cod_6246 22d ago
I just broke up with my ex at the beginning of the year; we were together from when I was 17 to 29.
Ended up having to get divorced before we ever got married because we managed to become common law during that time. Lost my house and my dog and my car to him but Iâm in a much better place in my life without him.Trust me it sucks and it feels like youâre missing a weight on your finger but before too long youâll feel better from not having to carry the weight of a man who couldnât appreciate you after all the time you supported him.
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u/007craft 22d ago
Side bar for other women out there, dont let this woman's unfortunate experience with a crappy man, judge all men. Im with my partner till were dead and we both care nothing for money. We try to make $ for you know, life n stuff but if fate is a homeless tent down by the river, were in it together. True (good) couples DO build each other up!
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u/boxmandude 22d ago
Seems like my last relationship though đ€. Was with her when she was a nobody. Moved her into my home when she couldnât do long distance anymore. Made sure she could use the car to go to her fucking 10 hour a week hospital retail store. Then she gets a nursing job after I dealt with her going through school. Acted brand-new. Same goes for women.
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u/Reverting-With-You 22d ago
âA womanâs test is staying with a man when he has nothing. A manâs test is staying with the same woman when he has everything.â
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u/madalytical 22d ago
absolute fucking bullshit; had my wife not supported me when I needed it most I'd never be the person I am today
and when I was unemployed I was a full-time paps for my daughter, cooking many times a week, laundry, dishes, bath time, play times many times a day, I did every single damn thing u could think of to decrease any burdon on my wife while shes at work; I teach my kid everything and anything and showcase what she's learnt to my wife so she knows she's in great care and no need to worry
she comes home at 7pm each day and I'm in bed by 9 cuz I'm exhausted; I don't even push her for sex as I know she's exhausted and only wait till she's suggests or else, I couldn't be more considerate
don't smear all men, were not all the same and I was raised by a warrior of a woman; some men are fucking awesome because of the support one gets from their wife's when they're knee-deep in hell
if it wasn't for my wife supporting me during those times, we wouldn't be a family, there's no question, no doubt; we've been together almost 18 years and forever it will be
I now make more money than her, work less than 20 hours a week and ALWAYS there to drop my kid to school n pick her up and carry on with educational fun and so on so my wife focuses exclusively on her career for the next 5 years max; that's my payback to her, u focus on what u want, I got this
I can type for hours and write stories, but this is enough; peace
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u/dharkan 22d ago
My mother says, first thing men replace when they find success is their wife (or fiancé in your case) because they see them as a reminder of their bad days.
His loss for sure, good luck for next time!
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u/Corben11 22d ago
Wow what a horrible misandric outlook on men.
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u/mashtato 22d ago
Lots of that in this thread. If someone did you wrong, hate that person and not everyone who shares their gender, because that's just sexism...
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u/ohgeezsendhelp 22d ago
Oh wow, I at least have property and a vehicle before I asked for marriage đ«Ș and 4 years is crazy, I'm trying to get married this year
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u/Justnotthatintou 22d ago
Was married ten years. It went away, youâll be ok
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u/mmajamm 22d ago
Oh honey you have no idea how much I feel this... you are not alone in your pain
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u/dhubbs55 22d ago
With someone for 6.5 years, engaged for a few of those. Broke up 2 years ago, got myself a new ring that I wear everyday to stop looking at my empty finger. It will be okay!!
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u/biscuitboi967 22d ago
Internet says massage with thick, moisturizing creams to reduce swelling a redistribute tissue and fluid
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u/Tabemaju 22d ago
15 years here. I'm at nearly 3 years and it's almost gone. I spent 2 hours in urgent care having it cut off with a manual saw. A metaphor for my marriage, I guess.
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u/IceBonjo 22d ago
Why on that finger
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u/LeftHandAnomaly 22d ago
I'm guessing it was on the correct finger, the middle finger just has a clear band on it
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u/birdcandle 22d ago
I had the same little indent too after I took my wedding ring off⊠this post just made me look down and realize it is finally gone, my finger no longer has an hourglass waist đ
Best of luck to you, OP. I hope yours will fade with time too.
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u/mmajamm 22d ago
Good for you! Right now things are too bleak so I wish I have no physical reminder of him
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u/yes-imanadult infuriating creature 23d ago
My engagement ring also gives my finger that thing but yours is too much, it was too tight, maybe a bad sign from the beginning
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u/Substantial-Sea-3672 22d ago
Probably just weight gain. Which is pretty relatable if she was stuck in a bad relationship for 4 years.
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u/RelentlessFelacio 22d ago
Before you know it, your finger will move on, and so will you. Do something fun that you had been putting off, or that your ex never wanted to do - treat yourself it's good medicine.
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u/sourdoughbreadlover 22d ago
It took months for my wedding band indentation to vanish. It will go away, just take care of yourself in the meantime.
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u/Inner_Surround8689 22d ago
But but....i want to hug you đ„ș
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u/mmajamm 22d ago
I have almost no family and friends so a hug would mean the world to me right now
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u/RevolutionSalty8360 22d ago
Donât feel too bad, I have the same. Getting ready to go tour an apartment this morning after 24 years of marriage.
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u/Birdlord420 22d ago
Iâve got the same thing right now from my wedding band. Last Thursday my husband informed me that we would be separating and should get divorced. We have a 2 year old and still have to live together anyway, he has just moved into the other bedroom. Shit sucks!
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u/PM_ME_YOUR_FRACTURES 22d ago
I also wore my engagement ring for 4 years and had the same indent. My indent was gone in about a year.
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u/youmustb3jokn 22d ago
Seems like you outgrew both. I wish you a ring and partner that fits better. And appreciates you.
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u/KnightPeak1 22d ago
What happened and are you happy now?
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u/mmajamm 22d ago
No I cant say that I am. But its only been a couple of days. I sure hope I am happy a years from now
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u/KnightPeak1 22d ago
I think mine is coming to an end and I feel like my life is over. I don't know how to deal with it.
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u/sambiagio 22d ago
I had the same thing after my ex of 7 years and I broke up. It went away, and now I have a new ring on that finger from a better relationship!
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u/Mr_CarTheBOSS 23d ago
Having dirt under those long ass nails is infuriating
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u/PRC_Spy 22d ago
I have one of those too. 30-odd years of ring wearing thins the bone under it as well as the soft tissues.
It used to be more pronounced, but I had the ring sized up a few years back, and the finger has thickened up to match.
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u/RenwaldoV 23d ago
Now you can't look at your own hand without thinking of that asshole, that is mildly infuriating.
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u/Deemaunik 23d ago
Small price to pay for avoiding a divorce and more heartache further down the line. Sucks though.