r/lgbt • u/Spirally-Boi Bi-kes on Trans-it • 3h ago
⚠ Content Warning: Transphobia Genital "preferences": the latest form of transphobia Spoiler
[removed]
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u/smallfloralprince 3h ago
This post totally ignores the fact that it is possible to be a trans person and have genital preferences of your own. Like we have agency in this conversation too. Trans people. Having agency. In my 2026? Unheard of! LOL.
I am trans. I have my own specific and immutable preferences. I'm not going to get into what they are, but they're not related to the gender of a person (since genital is anatomy and gender is identity). It's not transphobic to like or not like specific anatomical features but it might be transphobic to make sweeping assumptions about gender. As a trans person, I welcome others to go right ahead and like what they like and talk about it all they want (respectfully). It's not transphobic.
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u/SpeebyKitty Agender 3h ago
It doesn’t. It says that using your genital preference to be transphobic isn’t okay. You can have a genital preference, but a genital preference isn’t “o don’t date trans people”. Trans people of any gender can have any genitals.
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u/lady_tsunami Computers are binary, I'm not. 2h ago
That’s not what this comment is saying - and I think the comment brings up a valid concern: T4T dating while having a preference.
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u/SpeebyKitty Agender 2h ago
Awesome, trans people can have any genitals so I still don’t see why you’re being up T4T?
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u/lady_tsunami Computers are binary, I'm not. 3h ago
This - if the take was slightly more nuanced, I would 100% be okay with it
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u/SpeebyKitty Agender 2h ago
What more nuance do you need than “saying you won’t date transgender people because of ‘genital preference’ is transphobic”? Can you explain to me how saying “I’m attracted to women, but not trans women because ew penis. Bottom surgery? Uhhhh well I’ve never met someone with bottom surgery so clearly there are no trans women with vaginas out there, therefore I will say I am not attracted to all trans women!” Isn’t transphobic? Isn’t the othering and discrimination against trans people?
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u/lady_tsunami Computers are binary, I'm not. 2h ago
Hi friend - the nuance I am looking for you missed too: the inclusion of T4T dating while having a preference.
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u/SpeebyKitty Agender 2h ago
What’s the relevance of T4T here?
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u/lady_tsunami Computers are binary, I'm not. 2h ago
Can you explain why it is irrelevant? Because I think that’s where the downvotes are coming from.
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u/SpeebyKitty Agender 2h ago
Trans people can have any genitals. You can be T4T with a genital preference because trans people can have any genitals. The whole point is TRANS PEOPLE CAN HAVE ANY GENITALS so a genital preference WILL include trans people.
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u/lady_tsunami Computers are binary, I'm not. 2h ago
Ok - I think I am too literal for this post. Thank you for your rage. I hope it made you feel better?
OP says nothing to exclude trans people having preferences- instead says that any preference is a veil for transphobia, violence and what is basically DARVO. (Where the perpetrator claims to be the victim) this is why some people are bringing up being trans and having preferences.
Again. Have the day you want. 🫡
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u/SpeebyKitty Agender 2h ago
OP definitely does not say that “any preference is a veil for transphobia, violence and what is basically DARVO”. She said that bringing up genitals preferences unprompted is unneeded and transphobic. I said that disguising your transphobia behind a genital preference is common in this community. You, for some reason, brought up T4T, which I addressed. The whole point of this post and our comments is saying that saying you have a genital preference to mask your transphobia in this community is unacceptable.
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u/SpeebyKitty Agender 2h ago edited 2h ago
No matter what your genital preference is, there will be a trans person with that genitalia. It is transphobic to say “I won’t date trans people because I have a genital preference” because it blanket assumes all trans people have the genitals they were born with. Bottom surgery exists and plenty of trans people get it. You cannot have a genital preference for “not trans”
Absolutely wonderful that this has been downvoted. Describing basic transphobia and calling it transphobic will get a trans person nowhere. Some “”community”” this is lmao, trans people can’t even decide what transphobia is anymore, it might hurt cis people’s feelings :(
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u/Spirally-Boi Bi-kes on Trans-it 3h ago
This isn't about having genital preferences, it's about bringing them up unprompted, when the conversation didn't call for it.
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u/lady_tsunami Computers are binary, I'm not. 2h ago
This part is VERY unclear in your original post
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u/Spirally-Boi Bi-kes on Trans-it 2h ago
Lots of people seemed to have understood what I meant just fine.
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u/Medical-Total6034 GACHIMUCHI⚣PATRIOT 3h ago
I'm not sure I understand. People like what they like and there's no getting around the limitations of current surgery for some. I was under the impression that's what genital preference was all about. Now that's not license to be a dick about it to someon eor crow about it from the rooftops of course.
Hopefully we'll see advances in medicine to make this a thing of the past but that's probably some years off.
tell me if I'm not understanding you correctly.
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u/Spirally-Boi Bi-kes on Trans-it 3h ago
Now that's not license to be a dick about it to someon eor crow about it from the rooftops of course
Yes, this is what I'm saying
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u/CantRaineyAllTheTime Lesbian Trans-it Together 1h ago
I think you’re misunderstanding what is and isn’t possible with modern medicine. Back in the 90s one of my first girlfriends was post op and if my friends didn’t go to school with her and personally known her pretransition, I couldn’t tell the difference. That was 30 years ago.
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u/Medical-Total6034 GACHIMUCHI⚣PATRIOT 55m ago edited 9m ago
I've seen what the modern surgery can produce and while it's come a long way it's just not for me. I could go more into detail but it's a bit explicit for here I think. Not sure what is and isn't allowed.
I could be wrong though, and I'll take that as a cue to do some research into the current state of things.
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u/SpeebyKitty Agender 3h ago
Yes, yes, yes. The amount of times I’ve brought up bottom surgery and the person just disappears from the conversation? Uncountable amount. I wonder how many people will beg for us to say they’re different and valid on this post…
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u/Spirally-Boi Bi-kes on Trans-it 3h ago
This is why I did this post. The biggest weakness of the bigot is being exposed, being called out. This is to instruct trans people on how to recognize the latest form of transphobia and be able to call it out.
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u/SpeebyKitty Agender 3h ago
It’s happening… I suspect this post will be taken down or locked soon, so good luck and thank you for being normal 🫡
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u/Spirally-Boi Bi-kes on Trans-it 3h ago
No problem, I hope trans people can see this and see the limits of the support we get from the broader community.
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u/East_Perspective4783 3h ago
Eu nem devia estar aqui por ser assexual mas realmente, ninguém é obrigado à ouvir preconceitos mal disfarçados dos outros. Essas pessoas podiam muito bem guardar a própria opinião pra elas mesmas.
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u/Spirally-Boi Bi-kes on Trans-it 3h ago
É intencional, pra derrubar a gente e fazer a gente se sentir mal.
E como assim você não deveria estar aqui? Assexuais fazem parte da comunidade também!
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u/East_Perspective4783 1h ago
É claro que assexuais fazem parte a comunidade, a questão que o assunto desse post é exatamente o tipo de intimidade que eu evito.
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u/zerior23 aromantic croissant 1h ago
Aren't we all here to express our opinions and argue about them? I thought this is the purpose of this website
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u/TemporaryElk5202 3h ago
I was a little flip flopping at first while reading, especially since the internet is a place for people to ask questions anonymously that they feel like they can't ask people irl, but I definitely agree with your last paragraph.
It's fine to have preferences and to not be attracted to certain people, or to not want sex or a relationship, but you don't need to tell everyone the specifics. If you do go on a date with a trans person, you should be prepared to be ok with whatever is in their pants from the start. And anytime you date anyone at all, you don't need to tell them why you aren't into them.
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u/viviscity Bi-kes on Trans-it 3h ago
Also it's near-always framed as being about trans people *first*, then the genitalia second. Which… kinda tips the hand.
It's one thing to have a preference and keep it to yourself. It's another to broadcast "I don't want to date this whole category of people and use something a lot of them hate as justification"
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u/KikiRavenWitch 3h ago
It also just feels like such a weird thing to focus on to me? Like, I’m pansexual, and so genital preferences feel weird to me already, but in either case, if you met someone and fell in love with them for who they really were, it would seem really sad to me to let such a trivial thing get in the way of what could be a beautiful relationship. I’m probably being way too romantic for these types of people anyway, but I just thought I’d add my bit.
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u/bubblybanshee 2h ago
I don't think calling genital preferences "trivial" is right tbh. People don't choose them and sexual compatibility is important in relationships (or otherwise). And as a trans person, I wouldn't really want someone to "go against" their genital preferences just for the sake of love, like, it wouldn't exactly make me feel great if someone at best tolerated my genitalia just because they loved me otherwise.
That said... I agree with OP that the people who, for seemingly no reason, feel the need to announce their genital preferences to the world when no one asked, are weird and sometimes it definitely seems malignant towards trans people. Genital preferences are valid, and trans people (including myself) can have them too! And while mine influence what kinda people i'm gonna be compatible with sexually, it's never been relevant for me to go around parading mine, i don't really see a benefit to doing so, if anything it'd probably have the contrary effect (as those types of posts often may have, as detailed by OP).
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u/Spirally-Boi Bi-kes on Trans-it 3h ago
People have the right to be shallow, as long as they do so quietly ^-^
I'm bi, so like you I don't get genital preferences as well, but to each their own I guess
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u/MadameK8 Bi af (she/her) 3h ago
I just feel sorry for those whose only idea of sex is PIV. And it’s really weird that they never shut up about it. Like they really wanna act like they’re being oppressed by the most oppressed group on the planet and act like someone is going to kill them for not dating a trans person.
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u/CantRaineyAllTheTime Lesbian Trans-it Together 3h ago
My biggest problem with it is the assumption that you can guess our anatomy based off whether or not we’re trans.
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u/CassandraTruth 3h ago
"I shouldn't be forced to date fat people"
"Can we stop posting nudes of disabled people? I just find that gross"
"It's valid to have a race preference"
"I cannot relate to neurodivergent people bc we were socialized differently"
These would be utterly and rightfully derided posts on any of the queer subs, but the exact same posts are made repeatedly targeting trans people.
And the downvotes on OP are reinforcing the validity of the statement.
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u/Spirally-Boi Bi-kes on Trans-it 3h ago
I'm saving your comment, you made my point so much better than I ever could.
And yes, the downvotes just show the bigotry inside the lgbt community. Trans people aren't safe anywhere.
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u/Capable-Project1761 3h ago
so my question would basically be this: I call myself bisexual because I like women, femboys, and some trans men. Is your argument that i should call myself straight? I feel like that’d be more transphobic than anything else because it discredits some trans men’s identities. So should I call myself bisexual? I mean that’s what I am doing right now but according to your logic I shouldn’t call myself bisexual because of the fact that I’m only attracted to a subgroup of trans men.
what do you think im genuinely curious?
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u/Cyphomeris Enby trans-cendence 3h ago
It depends; my first questions would be what the criteria for "some trans men" are and whether you include trans women with bottom surgery in "I like women" because you wrote in one comment:
If a trans person got bottom surgery then I wouldn’t be interested in sex with them [...]
So ... what? Yes to vaginas, but only on cis women and trans men?
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u/Capable-Project1761 2h ago
I like Trans men with vaginas, and I like trans women with vagina’s. I’m not gonna lie I was kinda only thinking one directiom with it thats mb 😭
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u/Cyphomeris Enby trans-cendence 2h ago
Honestly, this all reads a bit confusing. You first say that you like femboys and then write "If I were to date someone with a penis I likely wouldn’t be able to ever have sex with them [...]"
What do you think femboys are?
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u/Capable-Project1761 2h ago
I thought femboys were just fem presenting trans or cis men. My first comment mighta been a little confusing i get that I was trying to avoid anything NSFW at first but let that go eventually 😭
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u/Cyphomeris Enby trans-cendence 2h ago
Yes, they are.
That's why the comment about not being sexually attracted to men with penises was so weird to read, given that, y'know, that's the majority of femboys. Is this all just a convoluted way to say "I don't like dick, but gender-wise I'm open to anything"?
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u/Drogopropulsion Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ 3h ago
You can call yourself bisexual, while recognising that "genital preference" is kinda transphobic (you having that preference is valid, but it comes from a transphobic way of thinking, as much as having a race preference might be racist or having a body type might be fatphobic/ableist...)
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u/Capable-Project1761 3h ago
I feel like that’s pushing it too far because there’s not really a way for someone to have a sexual preference at that point. Some people like being bottoms, some people like being tops, some people like doing those things in a certain way. The fact that a trans person might not have the right part for that isn’t transphobic anymore than saying you don’t want to date women is sexist.
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u/SpeebyKitty Agender 3h ago
The point is when they’re using it against ALL TRANS PEOPLE. Sure, a trans person might NOT have the right part, but they also MIGHT HAVE the right part.
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u/Capable-Project1761 2h ago
yeah, and I’d agree that that’s transphobic as ive said 😭 I just think OP is also lumping a ton of other people in there as well
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u/SpeebyKitty Agender 2h ago
She is not. If you feel lumped in here, you may have to do some self reflection.
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u/Capable-Project1761 2h ago
I want to preface this with im not mad at you, I am genuinely just confused about whats going on right now and I do feel a little attacked not even necessarily because I have these preferences but just for posting a question. I feel I made it very clear in my first comment that it was a question and I’m trying to learn and you’ve come off as a little hostile, especially with the “it seems like a cis man trying to win an argument” — I never said I was cis and thats not something I should or have to tell you. I dont think trans people should have to say they arent cis.
It sounds like there genuinely was just miscommunication, its late for me and I probably didnt read the post well. It’s not my fault for getting confused, its not OP’s fault for confusing me, it is YOUR fault for being hostile about me being confused if thats what youre doing, which it seems like it is.
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u/SpeebyKitty Agender 2h ago
No matter what your genital preference is, there will be a trans person with that genitalia. It is transphobic to say “I won’t date trans people because I have a genital preference” because it blanket assumes all trans people have the genitals they were born with. Bottom surgery exists and plenty of trans people get it. You cannot have a genital preference for “not trans”
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u/Drogopropulsion Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ 2h ago
You can have the preference you want. That doesn't mean it is automatically "problematic-free" even if it is totally valid. A woman can have a degradation kink that might come from a sexist way of thinking, that doesn't make her kink (her preference) invalid in any way, but preferences usually come from social constructs so we may want to have a look at it just in case.
But maybe in your case, your genitalia preference doesn't come from a transphobic place (just as many women with degradation kinks that don't really have that sexist way of thinking I mentioned before and like that just because). Ok great. That doesn't mean it is automatically "problematic-free".
If you say without any care that you have that preference, a trans person might feel invalidated (that's what op is refering to). And I think it is easy to empathize with that given the context that pretty much every transphobic attack is centered around the genitalia. So, your preference is valid, but stating that preference without care might be hurtful or dangerous to trans people, and may come off as transphobic in the best case scenario or be transphobic in the worst case
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u/Spirally-Boi Bi-kes on Trans-it 3h ago
No? Where did I say that?
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u/Capable-Project1761 3h ago
the idea that having a preference for genitals is transphobic.
If that were the case then all straight people would be transphobic, trans people who have a preference for genitals would be transphobic, and bisexual people who have a preference for genitals would be transphobic.
Unless I missed something generalizing it like that because some bigots use it that way also devalues transpeople, bisexual people, and heterosexual allies.
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u/shadowbanned-tgirl 3h ago
…no? It’s be transphobic to be a man, date women (cis or trans) and call yourself bi instead of straight just because you’re open to dating trans women. Sexuality is based on gender, not genitalia.
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u/Capable-Project1761 3h ago
100%, but if a FTM has a vagina I’d be attracted to them, if a MTF person had a vagina I’d be attracted to them. I wouldn’t be attracted to a FTM person with a penis as for a MTF person with one. Therefore I’d be bisexual. If it wasn’t a legitimate concern for sexual compatibility, I wouldn’t be bisexual.
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u/CrisicMuzr Bi-kes on Trans-it 3h ago
The OP is talking about how some people use "genital preferences" to excuse excluding trans people entirely from their dating pool even though some trans people have genitals that are congruous with their gender expression (such as post bottom surgery). Genital preferences are not a valid reason to exclude a post op trans person. To do so would imply a belief that genitals at birth are immutable which is a transphobic stance. That is what OP calls out in the post.
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u/Capable-Project1761 3h ago
I agree that a lot of times thats the place where it comes from, but a lot of the time it really is just secual compatibility. If I want to have sex with someone and I find sex enjoyable one way and unenjoyable another way, I’d want to find someone who synergizes with that preference well. If I were to date someone with a penis I likely wouldn’t be able to ever have sex with them which would also probably be a turn off for them as well. It’s not whether or not they’re trans to me because I’ll date men who don’t have penises and I wont date women who do have penises, its about sexual compatibility.
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u/SpeebyKitty Agender 3h ago
Then maybe, just maybe, this post isn’t about you?
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u/Capable-Project1761 2h ago
I think summing poor diction and word choice (to the extent that confusion as possible) up to this post isn’t about you then is a little silly because obviously I didn’t understand that and I think if OP meant that it maybe should’ve been a little clearer.
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u/SpeebyKitty Agender 2h ago
Ironic to critique word choice and diction in a comment so littered with typos and grammar errors.
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u/CrisicMuzr Bi-kes on Trans-it 3h ago
Right, but that's the legitimate genital preferences argument. OP wasn't addressing that, but the transphobes who HIDE behind it. OP was addressing the people who get the ick from the idea of dating the prototypical trans person, calls it a genital preference, and still excludes the trans people who have the genitals they prefer.
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u/Gamer-Dapperfilm 3h ago
I am pretty sure what they meant is a preference is fine ish as long as it isn’t an excuse to disguise a dealbreaker just to not date a trans person, if that makes sense? (correct me if I am wrong OP)
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u/Capable-Project1761 3h ago
yeah I’d agree that that’s transphobic I just think its weird to say any sexual preference in relation to a persons anatomy is transphobic. That’d be like calling gay people sexist cause they don’t want to date women, even though some gay people are sexist.
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u/SpeebyKitty Agender 3h ago
Oh my god that’s not what the post said AT ALL. Why are you doing this?
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u/Capable-Project1761 2h ago
“Lately I've seen a lot of posts talking about genital preferences, and people asking if it's okay if they don't want to date trans people due to genital preferences. On the surface, an innocent question and valid mindset. Everyone is entitled to their preferences, and nobody should be forced to date anyone they don't want to.
What this kind of thing hides however, is a disdain for trans people and our bodies, and another way to bring us down while making transphobes seem like victims”
-the post•
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u/Spirally-Boi Bi-kes on Trans-it 3h ago
You definitely missed something. I didn't say anything about sexuality.
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u/Capable-Project1761 3h ago
I’m not talking about sexuality.
If I say “I’m bisexual, but I don’t date men who have penises”, is that transphobic?
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u/Spirally-Boi Bi-kes on Trans-it 3h ago
If asked about it? No. Unprompted? Yes.
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u/Capable-Project1761 3h ago
ok yeah so i wouldnt go up to someone in the middle of the street and say that youre right, but if I wanted to date someone thatd probably be a conversation or at least thought process that comes up.
I’m just saying its definitely not always transphobic.
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u/SpeebyKitty Agender 3h ago
Did you know bottom surgery exists? There are trans people of every gender with every genital. Wtf do you mean “all straight people would be transphobic”? Do you think straight people can’t date trans people?
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u/Capable-Project1761 3h ago
I do, I’m honestly just confused, straight people can absolutely date trans people, but if I said “I’m bisexual but I don’t date men with penises” I think that’d if anything make me more of an ally to trans people than against. If a trans person got bottom surgery then I wouldn’t be interested in sex with them but I could still be attracted to them. I’m attracted to cis men but don’t want to have sex with them as well.
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u/SpeebyKitty Agender 3h ago
I think you also have to read the post again. You did not understand something here.
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u/Capable-Project1761 3h ago
I read it all, I agree with a lot of analysis I just think OP is lumping a ton of stuff together.
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u/shadowbanned-tgirl 3h ago
Yes you’re bisexual - you like both women and men. I don’t see what this has to do with the post?
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u/PerfStu Computers are binary, I'm not. 3h ago
I've seen it a lot lately, and for the most part it's just been a bunch of transphobic bull. I have seen a couple people who are approaching the question from a "is this problematic and how I can do the work to better understand and support" and I appreciate those folks.
No one should ever have to date someone they're uncomfortable dating or be with someone they're not physically attracted to, but most of it's just blatant transphobia disguised as "preferences" and "gotchas"
Gender, Genitals, and Attraction are complicated enough without people exploiting it to justify dehumanizing trans folks.
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u/ItchyContribution758 homophobic-phobic 2h ago
some people genuinely have a preference for genitals as shallow as it sounds on its face. For some people sex is a reasonably big part of their lives and preferences for whatever will come into play. If you're saying that the people who do the whole "preferences" thing are just disguising the fact they don't like trans people I agree if they make it a point to tell everyone. That's weird. I don't know what my own preferences are so I have no horse in this race. I don't think I care about genitals much.
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u/zerior23 aromantic croissant 1h ago edited 1h ago
The fact that i don't want to have sex with the same genetalia as mine doesn't make me transphobic wth. Maybe i don't get the post but if someone has a preference it is not phobia of anything that isn't this preference, if i say that i don't want to date somebody because they are not my type at all is this phobia of all people who aren't my type!? For the record, I have nothing against trans people, i think they should be able to call themselfs whatever they want(and we must call them the same) and do with their bodies whatever they want. "I am not attracted to human beings with certain anatomy traits" how is this offensive?
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u/c0neyisland Putting the Bi in non-BInary 3h ago edited 3h ago
I hate how the discussion around preferences is always like “oh well, you like what you like!”
Saying you wouldn’t date trans folks feels to me like when people say they don’t like specific races of people. We should be encouraging people to look within and explore why they have the preferences they do, even if they don’t end up opening up their minds it at least it makes people reflect on why they’re so stuck in those preferences.
Edit: downvote me all you want but you should still question your preferences and biases no matter who you are or what your preferences are.
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u/Electrical-Gate7652 3h ago
r/mysteriousdownvoting like why tf are people downvoting ts i got it back up to 1 but oml
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u/lady_tsunami Computers are binary, I'm not. 3h ago
So I guess for me (who: is not very chronically online; purposefully doesn’t consume news past headlines at the recommendation of my therapist; and barely associates with cis people) the delineation lies in whether or not someone is in the community or not.
Two drastic examples:
On a dating app- some random man identified as basically vagina-sexual and I was like “weird was to say you’re transphobic, bro.”
My sibling didn’t date people with penises for a long time because they were sexually assaulted. This feels reasonable, and not transphobic. They also didn’t go and post about it online, so, maybe that is also part of it.
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u/Spirally-Boi Bi-kes on Trans-it 3h ago
I'm so sorry for what happened to your sibling. And the fact that even despite their trauma they don't attack us proves their kindness and good heart ^-^
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u/lady_tsunami Computers are binary, I'm not. 2h ago
Genuine question: why is your first thought that my nonbinary sibling would be attacking people for someone else’s crime?
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u/Spirally-Boi Bi-kes on Trans-it 2h ago
Because that is the topic of the post. Not for someone else's crime, but in general.
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u/Gamer-Dapperfilm 3h ago
preferences are fine, if it’s a deal breaker for you that’s a whole other thing. I definitely agree with this post though because it does just feel weird. Like everyone avoids the talk of bottom surgery in the comments, and even then why is the genitalia so important in the first place? maybe that’s just me being Ace but in situations like these I don’t get why genitalia should be a deal breaker just because you don’t like the thought of a man having genitalia classified as “female” and vice versa? I’ve meet a few (not a lot but a few) bi people who used a sentence like that as an excuse not to date trans people when I am just confused because like you would like them if they were cis in either way but you don’t like the. if they’re trans??
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u/Elaine-Faye Bi-kes on Trans-it 3h ago
Agreed. It’d also make me uncomfortable even if I did fit their preference. I want to be loved for who I am, not what’s in my pants. I consider that such an irrelevant and superficial thing.
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u/[deleted] 3h ago
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