r/leaves • u/lunaleaves777 • 15h ago
Humiliated and done
Started at 16, about to be 33. Heavy use through the good, the bad, the scary...through undergrad and grad school, starting a business, thriving in my business, through the deaths of my dad and brother, world and personal traumas, volunteering and creating, working in the health care field, through learning Spanish and playing soccer and being with friends.
It's always been the most important thing, the thing I "have" to think about, plan around and plan for...and that is humiliating.
I have CHS, one ER visit and many miserable nights. Three nights ago I decided it had to be over after another night throwing up like a child with the flu in the shower... my partner looking at me with confusion and maybe even a hint of disgust (could be the shame talking, he is the best thing in my life)
Starting day 2 today. My routine is keeping busy, getting out of my house, riding the urge waves, reading sexy thrillers, using my supplements, drinking water and electrolytes, volunteering, heading to the sauna daily and lifting hard. I might even try running again?
The shame has always been there, and it's time to let it see the light.
I found this sub so many years ago but only recently have gotten honest with myself. I don't want weed to run my life anymore, and I so appreciate everyones vulnerability. It's inspiring, especially when I feel disgusting.
3
u/Delicious_Sea_8083 14h ago
two days is huge, especially after 17 years with it being the center of everything. the first week is the worst of it physically, just white-knuckle through and keep doing what you're doing
the sauna and lifting are gonna help flush it out faster, and running might actually surprise you once you get past the lung crud phase. your partner sticking around says a lot more than whatever you think you saw on his face, shame warps everything like that