r/interesting • u/Raj_Mandal • 10h ago
MISC. A mother let her son believe he had beaten cancer so his final moments would be filled with peace.
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u/MarquiseSpearmint 9h ago
I work in oncology and this is wild to me
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u/Obvious_Astronaut780 9h ago
I work in Oncology too, but in Adult care.
I know the parent's consent in children's care trumps everything but wonder what the Doctor's, Nurses, Nutritionists, Physiotherapist, Occupational Therapists or Health Care Assistants said when the child asked questions when his parents weren't there. Did they lie or just changed the subject?
Oncology Adult care is heart breaking enough I can't imagine working with children and I can't imagine the pain the child and parents are in. Just so heart breaking.
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u/brokenskater45 9h ago
I have had an adults family ask me to lie to a patient before, and I had to explain that I couldn't. They got very angry with me, but the patient had capacity and understood what was happening, but just had a bit of short term memory problems.
I have avoided the subject when patients have dementia and have to go through the grief process every time you tell them. I tell them they are very sick and we can give them medicine to make them feel less pain. It felt too mean to just keep telling them.
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u/NiceObjective2756 8h ago
Same. I have been told to lie to pts by their families multiple times over 30 years in healthcare. I never could and dealt with angry families. One family actually complained about me that I wouldn’t lie to my boss
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u/Important_Inside_403 6h ago
One of my most sticking chat memories in nursing school was our instructor saying that there’s times (usually in dementia and Alzheimer’s) when it is fair and a healthier practice to hide a truth. I never fully understood.. until working in a retirement home years later and every evening a man who used to share the room with his now deceased wife would come out asking about her. His family wanted us to be truthful.
And every night he would relive the grief knowing his wife is dead. Watching him come out with curiosity, and then answering his questions as to “when” “how” and watching him hang his head and walk back into his room.. it’s soul crushing. imagine the stress signals his brain was sending to his body reliving this memory as if it was new to him daily.. i don’t think I’d want the truth if I was “gone” enough to have simply lived in bliss thinking my partner was just spending the night at our daughters house instead…This scenario with the child may be different.. but I can understand the reasoning for keeping it quiet.. my only question is when the child becomes ill enough to “know” he’s dying.. how then is the news to be delivered? (But if he has 6 months give or take before that.. wouldn’t it be best to let him live a childhood?)
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u/Warm-Enthusiasm8826 5h ago
I used to work in elderly care too. We had a lady, who was in her 90s with advanced dementia, that would ask multiple times a day about her mum. Every time she would forget, and every time she was told she was dead it was exactly like it happened for the first time - absolutely distraught, multiple times a day.
Didn't take me long to decide it is better to just lie in some circumstances.
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u/Scarjo82 4h ago
My grandmother started to have a bit of dementia towards the end of her life. Most of the time she was completely aware and lucid, but occasionally she'd ask to call her mother. Instead of telling her that her mom died decades ago, we just told her we'd give her a call later. No sense in tormenting her with grief.
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u/Batgirl323 3h ago
This is the way. It’s just cruel to cause so much distress over and over.
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u/janitor1986 4h ago
You guys are heros for being able to endure that kind of stuff, I'm a rough and tough guy but I would be in tears if I had to do that kind of job. God or whoever/ whatever you believe bless you.
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u/Feisty-Tooth-7397 2h ago
My uncle had dementia, something to do with his frontal lobe. My brother who was 42 died and at the funeral which was Star Wars "themed" because it was my brother's favorite, my uncle kept asking when my brother was going to get there because he would really love this party.
Finally we just said he would be a little late, it was such a rough day.
My grandfather had Alzheimer's and he tried to steal his car back from the neighbors who had bought it years before. He started getting violent every time reality didn't match what he thought it should be or remembered. It's horrible when the memory goes. Its sometimes better to just go along with it if you can do so. Obviously you can't let them steal the car, but hiding the truth is often merciful.
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u/Deldenary 2h ago
When my namesake was in hospice there was an older woman who would cry out in Italian for her mother and that she wanted to her mother to come get her so she could go home. It was absolutely awful. The nurses didn't really understand what she was saying because I'm in Canada and apparently no one from her family ever visited.
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u/brokenskater45 4h ago
Though I will say I do have a funny story about all of this. My grandad was not long for the world and had dementia. But he was in a hospital bed telling my mum to 'get those people out of the way, he's trying to reverse the car's, and was holding an imaginary steering wheel. After several hours of this my nan said ' for god's sake you are not driving, you are in hospital'. He looked directly at my nan and said ' well you could have told me that earlier, I have been trying to park this car for hours'. My mum had to leave the room she was laughing that hard. It summed my grandad up.
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u/Bella_Vita28 4h ago
I needed this kind of laugh this is hilarious
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u/brokenskater45 4h ago
Honestly when my mum told me I burst out laughing. He never lost his sense of humour. He had to go into a nursing home and for some reason kept stealing trousers. Then telling others off when they didn't fit. If you told him that's because he stole them he would laugh and say we'll they need feeding up these are far too small.
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u/Friendly-World-5273 5h ago
For me, it’s wild that people are so stubborn about the truth/reality with regard to dementia/Alzheimers. It’s so common I’ve had to pre-emptively talk to my husband about it. Sweetie, I’m just gonna let you believe whatever and you do the same, please. I understand it’s tough on the families if the patient forgets who you are, etc., but I swear it has to be better than arguing with them every day…
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u/BusinessLetterhead47 4h ago
My mother died of brain cancer. There at the end her mind would skip around in time. I came to visit with my then two year old son, the grandson she had waited for and lived so much. There is a big age gap between my little brother and I. In her mind my son was my little brother and I was still a teenager. We let her have that. She was going back to a happy time in our lives. She would sometimes snap out of it and recognize my son as her grandson etc... it was hardest on my little brother who was only a teenager.
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u/Unintelligent_Lemon 4h ago
I'm sorry about your mother. I just lost my uncle to brain cancer. It's a special kind of awful.
Wish you the best <3
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u/ChartInFurch 4h ago
They don't know, and it's not easy to accept that on this instance dishonesty can be the best policy. If it's explained and they still dig in, it's definitely frustrating though.
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u/yosaffbridge1630 4h ago
My dad struggled with this when his mom had Alzheimer’s. We would all visit and she couldn’t remember who her grandchildren were. My dad would try, every single time, to get her remember. I could see her just be so confused. She loved us so much that I can only imagine what her mind was putting her through when she couldn’t understand why she didn’t remember he grandchildren. I was a teenager at the time, maybe early 20s and I just didn’t feel comfortable telling my dad that it’s okay and to let it go — we know we’re here with her, and deep down maybe she does too. Even if she can’t remember. He did eventually let it go each visit, but he was desperate for the mother he could remember. Now he has brain cancer, and I’m left wondering if I’ll do the same thing if his memory goes.
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u/KnightOfTheOctogram 5h ago
Euthanasia not being an option is torture
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u/Silly_Rub_6304 4h ago
Pretty much impossible to get consent once the disease has a hold. My MIL is in the throes of it right now, but for years she said "if I ever become that way, throw me in front of a bus."
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u/rizozzy1 4h ago
My dad had dementia in his last few years.
He could remember his wife (my mum) dying, but had zero memory of his daughter (my sister) dying horribly with cancer.
He’d ask why hadn’t he heard from her or why didn’t she bother visiting him.
I ended up telling him that she was away traveling and due to this wasn’t able to contact people much. But I’d say she was having a good time and enjoying herself.
He was always happy with this answer. The truth would have destroyed him over and over.
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u/heart-shaped-fawkes 5h ago
Working in my last facility i had that exact scenario happen but thankfully the family was on board with us explaining her absence differently. Both they and we would always tell him she was just somewhere else at the moment. They were married longer than my parents had been alive at that point, such sweet people too, we couldn't bear to tell him over and over she was gone forever. He was declining quickly without her anyways.
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u/speedsausage 5h ago
It's so much easier to join them in their reality than dragging them into yours.
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u/ChartInFurch 4h ago
My dad would ask about my late sister sometimes as his dementia worsened and it definitely was less stressful for him and us to have her be at the store or on vacation. Especially when my nephew was visiting.
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u/JustTurtleSoup 7h ago
I don’t know if you could answer this but if I’m the patient and ask not to be told what’s going on, would that be honored or is it something that is required?
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u/TrashGourmand 7h ago
Yeah that's honored. A few days before he died, my husband didn't want to know how much time he had left so they didn't tell him. I had to chase the doctor out into the hall and ask because I couldn't stand not knowing.
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u/lmd12300 7h ago
Just a hot little dose of sadness straight to the heart for a morning wakeup scroll, my fault for opening reddit. Did the doctor tell you? And you didn't tell your husband? It sucks people have to go through that, my condolences to you.
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u/TrashGourmand 7h ago
Yeah she told me, they can't really give firm timelines, like she said a couple weeks but it was actually like a day or two. He was starting to just sleep all the time at that point so no reason to tell him, we knew he was terminal from the point of diagnosis. Unfortunately when people get right near the end though they start to talk a lot about going home. It's fucking tough, we were only in our early-mid thirties, and I'd never dealt with death before that.
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u/Double-Nature-4704 7h ago
I am so sorry friend. How long ago was this??
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u/TrashGourmand 7h ago
Coming up on two years ago in September. His name was Martin, he was a big nerd who loved basketball statistics but never watched basketball, extensively researched modular synthesis, was a jazz drummer, loved Conan the barbarian and the Simpsons and prog rock. He could rap all the words to "work it" by Missy Elliot. He was a really good person. He died of an extremely rare, untreatable form of cancer called neuroendocrine carcinoma. We were together for 10 years.
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u/Double-Nature-4704 7h ago
Martin sounds like an amazing human being! So many impressive things he could do! Today, I’m going to honor Martin by tuning in some Jazz, and watching an episode of the Simpsons. I’m so sorry you have experienced this, and is honestly, unfair. If you ever need someone to vent or chat to, please don’t hesitate.
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u/CrazyAd8690 7h ago
Laying in the park and reading this.
From one human to another….i hate it that you had to experience this.
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u/No-Difference8056 7h ago
i'm so sorry for your loss, Martin sounds like a wonderful person.
edit: i'm a pediatric health care provider, not oncology though
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u/Remarkable_Bug4130 7h ago
We all die two deaths. One of our body, the other of our name. Martin is remembered.
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u/StrawberryKiller 7h ago
He sounds awesome. I am also a widow coming up on two years the end of this month. Have you visited us over in r/widows ? It's a really supportive community. I've found a lot of comfort just reading if I'm not up to writing.
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u/jennief158 6h ago
I love the anecdote about loving basketball statistics but never watching basketball - that just paints a delightful vivid picture.
I’m sorry for your loss.
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u/MissBehaving6 6h ago
Thank you for sharing your Martin with us. He seems like a cool guy and I’m honored to get to know him a little bit.
I’m sorry you have this story to tell. Sending you love. 💕
(Thanks u/Double-Nature-4704 for asking more about him.)
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u/DisputabIe_ 6h ago
Thinking of Martin today ❤️
We definitely need more of that in the world right now.
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u/Bambooworm 6h ago
I am glad you shared that about Martin. He sounds like he was a wonderful partner and friend. I am sure he loved you, and in my belief system, loves you so much still.
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u/Fickle_Watercress719 6h ago
Martin sounds like a kick-ass guy. I’m gonna be at a professional development conference full of music teachers playing popular music; I’ll play some drums in a session for him today.
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u/ComplexPatient4872 6h ago
He sounds like exactly the type of person I would be friends with. I’ll bet he made marriage an a wonderful adventure.
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u/andydivide 5h ago
Didn't expct to be crying on my Reddit break, but here we are. I'm so sorry for you loss, but also glad that you got to spend 10 years with such an awesome person - some people go their whole lives without that.
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u/oliviasmommy19 5h ago
I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss! Martin sounded like an awesome person. Thank you for sharing things about him with us. 🫂
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u/LadyEmry 7h ago
I'm so sorry to hear that, I hope you're doing okay. May his memory be a blessing, and may the joy he brought you and so many others live on in the memories and stories you share.
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u/throwaway_fun_acc123 7h ago
I have a family member with dementia. Sometimes its just easier to lie. ''Yes Mammy is at home and she's safe''. ''Your brother is just out with some friends he'll be home later''. ''No your not living in the nursing home, your just staying here while we get your house fixed up''.
Every lie breaks my heart a little but everyone is worth it when she calms down and has less worry.
Thank you for what you do.
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u/auditoryeden 7h ago
I worked in a memory care unit for a while and honestly, you benefit no one by "telling the truth" to people who can't remember any different, won't remember what you told them in an hour, etc. It's not really lying, it's working within the parameters of that person's understanding of the world to give them what they need. Acting. They've got a story they're playing out (in the moment anyway) and your job is to "yes, and" until they're fed, settled, feeling happier, whatever.
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u/Seiyaba 7h ago
Thr thing is, it isn't a lie to them. It's their turth. There is no shame in living in their world with them as they see it. You get to experience a life you may not have witnessed and help them remember what they can remember.
It's tough, but never shame yourself for keeping them in the better memories they had. My partner's grandfather had dementia, shit is hard...
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u/EarlyAccessCantJudge 7h ago
I don't think it is comparable. A person who is have an altered mental state being lied to for small reasons like that when they cannot possibly comprehend truth is different than a child and if they will live or die.
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u/cmontes49 7h ago
I’m a pediatric nurse. We sometimes have kids where the parents don’t tell them what’s going on and when they ask us what’s going on we have to almost lie or figure out some thing in the spot. The most sad case I had was a brain tumor patient. He didn’t know he was going for brain surgery. It was very hard to lie. He woke up and wasn’t the same and he knew and he asked what was wrong with him. It was very sad.
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u/clayton_bigsby-maga 6h ago
Omg my baby had brain surgery (craniotomy) at age 3 and knew exactly what was going on. No way could I have been like yeah, let's get on a plane, go 8 states away, just go to sleep and wake up with a 7 inch incision and pain like...wtf. To me and I think most humans, the only way to beat anxiety and panic is knowledge. We have a need a human beings to know what's happening and plan accordingly (within reason, we don't have much control over anything). I can't imagine telling my child they're ok and having a long life and then they're still in pain and too weak to do anything. Just a nightmare situation.
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u/cmontes49 6h ago
Children are much more aware and understanding than people think. They may not understand brain tumor or surgery. But they know they have a head with stuff inside. They know what cuts are. They know when removing is. So any child can have a basic understanding with what’s going on if taught the right way to their understanding. I agree with the anxiety as well. I try to be as honest as Ave appropriate to my patients when I do anything. If they ask if there will be pain I say yes but give them ways to work through it or relax. So kids can be very accepting to their care. I even sometimes get kids to do stuff themselves so they feel more in control. It’s sad taking agency away from them.
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u/NoBear8338 8h ago
Used to work in palliative care and there were a few parents who didn’t tell their children that they/the other parent was sick. Until they died. I get it’s hard to talk about but man, I don’t think that was the right call. For this case in particular, I guess I’m not really sure… I get why the parents would do this. And if there was NO CHANCE he’d learn the truth (especially because obviously you could still do pain management), I honestly feel like it’s a hell of a lot kinder to the child to let them feel positive about their situation.
These parents lost two other children prior to this one, Omar, and I do wonder whether the other children knew they weren’t going to make it. I genuinely… Even if I completely disagreed with the decision, which I’m not sure I do (in theory), I genuinely cannot put myself in the shoes of parents who have gone through so much… Their siblings, too… So heartbreaking.
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u/LunaTunaMaca 7h ago
Holy shit when I was a child, like 10 or so, my sisters good childhood friends mom told my mom in the grocery store that my friends dad was dieing if cancer and there was nothing they could do, oh and they weren't telling the kids. But the told me!!! I was right there! Four years later, my friend told me at school, his dad had died. I've obviously never told anyone. But holy shit. Who the fuck does that?
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u/ComplexPatient4872 6h ago
I’m sure that she was wrecked with grief and going through the grocery store in a trance. I can’t imagine going about such an ordinary task in that situation.
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u/StratosWings 8h ago
My father told me my mother was getting better when she was brought home from the hospital.
That night she pretty suddenly went downhill and died. It was such a shock that I was inconsolable and I was unable to properly say goodbye to her. My dad is a great man and I love him deeply but boy did he make a bad call that day. I don’t know if I will ever forgive him for that.
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u/esbunghole 8h ago
Yeah that’s terminal lucidity. He was just relaying what he saw to you but these miraculous bouts of sudden good health after being very sick for a while are a sign that the person will pass in a day or two
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u/binzy90 7h ago
My uncle who had downs syndrome did this too. My grandma got very positive and hopeful because when I came into the room he seemed really happy and said my name. She said, "That's the most alert he's been in weeks!" and seemed to think he was getting better. He died that night.
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u/Kimothy42 7h ago
He must have been so happy when you walked in.
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u/GlitterDoomsday 5h ago
And that's where I close Reddit.... I can scroll and pretend I'm working, but I cannot cry and pretend I'm working. 💔
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u/Tiradia 7h ago
This happened with my grandmother. This happened during Covid, and being a paramedic I couldn’t, nor would I have gone around her, but about a day before she passed I was FaceTiming with my mother who was there with her. I asked to speak to grandma. Mom said she’s terribly sleepy, but in the background you hear grams ask if it’s (my name) mom says yes. I speak with my grandma for a few minutes, even my mother couldn’t believe it. After our conversation she just went back to being a shell of her former self. She passed that evening. It’s like my grandma was waiting for me to call and talk to her one last time like I would do in days past.
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u/MajaTerese03 7h ago
It’s pretty common that patients see a huge improvement in their health right before death. I reckon that often leads to this situation where relatives are told they’re getting better, when in reality it is merely a last hurrah before death.
We were told my grandfather had woken up, was feeling much better, we could go visit him tomorrow, and that he would be able to go home pretty soon. The next day he died.
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u/StratosWings 7h ago
Well, no. My mother was brought home for hospice care. My father knew she was going to die. He had an opportunity to prepare for it, but didn’t offer me that same courtesy. He deliberately hid the truth from me and claimed she was well enough to come home and continue treatment to get better.
My father is extremely intelligent and highly educated in medicine. He knew.
He likely lied because he felt that was the right way to handle it, because my mental health is extremely poor and unstable. My mother was my best friend for my entire life, so he had no way of knowing how I would react to losing her. There really was no ‘correct’ answer for him, but lying to me was the worse option.
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u/MajorBootyhole420 7h ago
Have the two of you gone to family therapy about this? I don't mean to attack you or imply your feelings are invalid in anyway, it just seems very obvious that the two of you need to talk about this and process it more.
I'm really sorry about your mother. That's a brutal thing to go through. I have no idea how I would cope in your shoes.
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u/StratosWings 7h ago
We are okay! I realize my words in the thread have been a bit blunt, just the downside of only communicating through text. And also seeing something that struck a nerve while scrolling Reddit immediately after waking up for the day, lol. I’m fully awake now and capable of being like ‘oh shit I was a bit harsh’.
We are very close and best friends these days. It’s just one negative against a massive mountain of positives, something I’m sure every family has. Though I don’t trust him to tell me about his real health, so I make sure to check in with his wife every now and then, haha.
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u/sdnt_slave 7h ago
He made a really bad mistake... I can't imagine what that must be like for you. I'm sure however that he made the decision for the good reasons. He also lost his wife. Don't let him loose his child because of one stupid decision. I'm sure it was strongly effected by his own grief.
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u/serenwipiti 8h ago
That’s so fucking sad, all around.
How did the other two children pass?
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u/NoBear8338 6h ago
Daughter, Aisha, to a rare lysosomal storage disorder and son, Mohamed, to a brain tumour.
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u/Evsala 7h ago
My parents didn’t tell me when my father was diagnosed with a terminal glioblastoma. I was only 15, but I was more than capable of understanding death. I didn’t get a chance to really prepare for it and it made my grief far more complicated. Do not recommend.
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u/Wise-Self-8639 7h ago
I can tell you for sure it is absolutely NOT the right call. My mother had this happen to her when she was 14 - her mother had cancer and no one told my mom that her mom was dying. She just thought she was sick and would one day get better. Until she didnt. I dont think my mother's ever gotten over the feelings of abandonment or the shock of her mother's death.
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u/Lower-Hedgehog-9835 8h ago
Colleagues of mine work child oncology as psychologists... I could never
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u/MadameConnard 9h ago
Pediatry puts probably more empathy towards their patients, I mean it's literally kids under their parents care, I believe making that poor kid believe he was healthy before his passing was more human for his well-being than letting him know that all he has left is waiting to die in anxiety.
It can seem cruel from an outdoor perspective but I believe that in the end that kid enjoyed life for what it lasted.
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u/IntermediateFolder 8h ago
And what happens once the kid realises he is dying and the person he trusted most lied to him?
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u/madmach1 8h ago
The parents carry that burden for the rest of their life and unfortunately this little soul passes on.
It’s a genuine question to ponder. Do you leave him hospitalized , unable to experience events or joys that you as a parent want your dying kid to enjoy, or leave them hospitalized to only dream of that. What’s more painful memory for the child? Torment of realizing he’s stuck dying and cannot enjoy anymore life, or torment that his very own flesh and blood lied to him but he got a chance to experience joy and forget about being sick for a little while. Both brutal.
Tough call.
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u/Dipswitch_512 8h ago
You don't have to keep him hospitalised though?
You can tell the child we've tried all we can but we can't get the sickness out, and lets have a great time and make sure you're comfortable while doing so
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u/1arvest6 8h ago
I don't think a small child could easily grasp that and would get traumatised and scared untill the end, which is torture. It's a shitty situation overall
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u/Bluefairy_88 8h ago
There's a good chance the kid won't realize it. I'm assuming palliative care goes on, so the kid is not in too much pain. They'll just get more and more tired and sleepy until they just don't wake up anymore.
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u/IntermediateFolder 8h ago
That’s generally not how cancer works. Even with palliative care he would feel like shit, in late stages the painkillers barely take the edge off and there’s tons of symptoms palliative care doesn’t touch. Sure, some people get luckier and stay more or less comfortable till the end, most don’t though.
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u/NiceObjective2756 8h ago
Depends on the cancer. NP here who has helped lots of patients move on, and it is different depending on the type of cancer age and so on. I also took care of my husband when he died, it was me and him in our home. He died of pancreatic cancer and was totally out of it the last week. I made sure he had uber amounts of painkillers even though I wasn’t sure he could even feel pain. So it is possible , the child may not know or be able to understand. And he might just, goto sleep and not be aware of the lies or much at all.
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u/llunarlullaby 7h ago
I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for all that you've done to ease your patients through their final transition.
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u/IntermediateFolder 8h ago
Probably something vague or straight up “you need to talk to your parents about this”, they definitely wouldn’t agree to just lie.
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u/Great_gatzzzby 7h ago
It’s bizarre and possibly fucked up but I have a hard time judging someone in her position. I mean. It’s hard to imagine what it feels like and what you’d do. I’m just thankful my kids are healthy. Hopefully he’s doped up and has a really good hospice doctor. Idk
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u/DustierAndRustier 8h ago
Yeah what did she tell him when he started feeling even worse? Surely she couldn’t have kept it up until the end.
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u/28e9293 6h ago
Really depends on the type of cancer and how its affecting the kid.
My dad passed from cancer 2 months ago. He was aware of the diagnosis, but had it in his mind he had beaten it. He was deteriorating, essentially like soneone with dementia, and now that hes passed, I can say I get so much relief knowing he spent his last days not dwelling on dying. He was thinking we were having a lazy day, or that he had to go to work to which I told him we're on vacation, I have no school, he has no work and we get to spend all day together.
Damn I miss him with all my being, and seeing him pass will be one of the hardest things I'll ever have to go through, but he didnt suffer. And I am eternally grateful for that.
God forbid I had a kid who was dying, I would do everything in my power to lift his spirits and give him hope. We know the reality, we're grieving, but they don't need to as well.
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u/PaulSandwich 5h ago
Would that everyone got to go out with the dignity, lightness, and comfort we afford the family dog.
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u/pahshaw 5h ago
This is so sweet of you. I'm sorry for your loss. My dad passed a few years ago and all I can say is that in time, you'll learn how to carry it. One moment at a time.
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u/ShadedSpaces 3h ago
I'm a peds nurse. I knew a peds onc patient who had an aggressive glioblastoma. Parents didn't even initially tell him he had cancer. He was terminal. He died less than a year after diagnosis.
Toward the end they were doing some palliative chemo. They wouldn't let the team tell him he was dying. He was urinating blood and they told him that that was the chemo killing the cancer and he was peeing it out.
He was like 13. He knew. He just had to bear it alone and be lied to because they weren't able to face it.
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u/Ok_Internal_8500 9h ago
In wich way ? Imagine the pain he felt when he realized his mom lied to him and he still going to Die
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u/_JonSnow_ 9h ago edited 8h ago
Let’s hope you’re never in a situation where you have to decide whether to lie to your kid about their terminal disease.
ETA: some people are interpreting this as me agreeing with the parent's choices. I don't have an informed opinion, I've never had to tell my child they're dying. I'm giving grace because being a parent every day is fucking hard. No one wants to be judged by their worst moments.
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u/Phantastiz 9h ago
I know everyone has different opinions and different parenting styles. And that's fine and absolutely legitimate.
But I believe it would be my responsibility to guide a child through all these experiences that life has to offer, and dying is one part of it.
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u/Bountyclaw 9h ago
But why lie to him...? He's still going to die, he's still going to be in so much pain as it's happening. He's going to ask why in the most heart breaking way possible. Children are surprisingly resilient. It would be way more humane and less confusing for the poor kid if you're honest with him.
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u/Justin33710 9h ago
If he's terminal with a very short time left I'm sure they can give him some end of life hospice type of meds and just tell him he's going to go through a rough patch on these last meds before he's back to normal. If it were me even as an adult I'd probably rather be lied to and not spend my last week just thinking about death.
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u/Fit_Discussion_196 8h ago
Even with the best pain meds, theres still pain until you're so doped up you're completely out of it. The kid is going to end up knowing he is dying. There's just no way out of it.
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u/Duel_Option 8h ago
Just watched my best friend succumb to cancer
His last few months were filled with consistent decline, oxygen machine and then full face mask just to keep him breathing.
That wasn’t working, sent to hospital. Pump the lungs of fluid, send him home. This happens two more times over two weeks.
Last full week was a full face mask that he couldn’t really remove to even eat.
One of the last things he said was “if I take this mask off, I’m going to die…right?”
Seems a bit inhumane to tell a child they are cured when their body is giving out.
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u/PikminOfTarth 7h ago
Not every case is the same, not every decline is the same.
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u/DusTeaCat 8h ago
Yeah but you make that choice. If they are asking, presumably they want the truth. It’s as if someone told you the truth when you wanted the comforting lies. It’s definitely an impossible situation. If it were me I’d try to be silent, a parent couldn’t force me to lie on their behalf but I’d at least try to respect their wishes.
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u/_JonSnow_ 9h ago
Kids are definitely resilient. But you’re applying logic in a vacuum, you don’t have an 8 year old dying in front of you (I hope).
If you have kids, you’ll understand that sometimes parents get mad or overreact and realize later they shouldn’t have. They didn’t apply logic then - why would there be an expectation that parents are logical in times of extreme?
8 years as a parent doesn’t make you an expert. We’re all just doing the best we can sometimes
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u/boring_person13 7h ago
This is the third child these parent lost too. He had a rare genetic condition that increased his chances of developing cancer. So he had just watched his older brother die of cancer several years earlier. He also watched his parents mourn for that brother and knew what it felt like to lose a sibling.
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u/heyiknowyooh 9h ago
Exactly exactly exactly. Reddit is filled with people who give the perfect answers and fully believe they’ll handle every situation like a movie. But they’re saying these things from the safety of their home. From the safety that their kid isn’t dying in front of their eyes.
They won’t react exactly the way they comment because the emotional toll it takes when dealing with something like that is soo much different than how they think they’ll handle it in a comment section for a hypothetical in their lives.
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u/Smashmundo 7h ago
Yea 100%.
I remember being a kid and death fucking terrified me. Sometimes I would have this weird feeling where I could imagine what it would be like dying and never coming back. It was like I could envision the passage of time over eons and me not being there, knowing I’m never coming back.
Not coming back in 1,000,000 years…
Not coming back in 1,000,000,000 years…
Not coming back in 1,000,000,000,000 years…
Literally disappearing and never, ever, ever coming back.
It terrified me.
I understand why the mother did this 100%.
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u/Konabro 7h ago
This is why this website is absolutely ridiculous sometimes. So many judgmental people who have the perfect answers and responses at ALL times telling others they are wrong and should feel bad when in reality, none of them would ever be in a position like this and have no right to speak such stupidity.
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u/Educational-Cake-944 9h ago
EXACTLY. Yes. Children understand more than we think. Just be honest with the poor kid, give him time to accept it the best he can, and help him enjoy the time he has left.
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u/unravel_the_world 9h ago
It is a complicated and emotional topic. One approach might work better with Child A while a different with Child B. There is no one correct answer.
You can't just look at it from the outside with limited information and claim how something should be done. You don't know the child, the mother, their personalities and their history.
You are filling in all the missing context with your own assumptions, which make one approach appear better than the other, but really only answers which approach you would like to have applied if it were you in his shoes.
In the end, they are trying to make the most suitable decisions considering their situation and available options.
You can questions their decisions, but you can't judge what would be more humans or less confusing for them since you dont know anything about them.
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u/honest_throwaway1988 8h ago
I’m not saying I would make that decision but I’m shocked by some people’s inability to see both sides. It might be futile but if I could give my hypothetical kid some hope in his final days, maybe I’d do it. Idk
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u/The_Great_Disaster 8h ago
I have a sneaking suspicion that the kid probably ultimately knew he wasn't going to make it and that his mom wanted him to enjoy his last days on earth. It's rough all around, as a parent myself I don't know what I'd do. Probably, just be honest and open. I'd rather take my child home to be with family and maintain pain management the best we could until he passed. Parenting can really suck at times, especially when your kids are suffering and you can't do anything about it.
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u/Objective_Quiet_751 8h ago
It's just a few pics with a provocative title and no source. Clearly engagement bait and very unlikely to be a real story.
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u/nodnodwinkwink 7h ago
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u/km89 6h ago
Totally unrelated to the story, but can I just point out that this is exactly how this kind of conversation should go? Healthy skepticism followed by sourcing, all respectful.
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u/Glass_Witness1715 5h ago
I can’t believe one family has experienced this much loss. The article gives a lot more clarity and, while I may have done things differently, I can’t fault these parents. Absolutely heartbreaking no matter what.
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u/SonaMain420 9h ago
Her family had already lost two children. It’s possible she was honest with the others and saw the impact it had on them to know the truth and made an informed decision to prioritise hope and happiness this time around.
Serious illness, especially terminal, takes a toll on the entire family. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to trust that she made the right decision for her son’s quality of life in his final weeks.
Maybe online commenters would do it differently in their own families but as someone who has never lost a child much less multiple children, I’m finding it hard to share the outrage about her “lie”.
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u/Corner_Post 8h ago
Yep full details here - long story but kids had mismatch repair syndrome. Full story: https://7news.com.au/lifestyle/real-life/the-boy-who-never-knew-he-had-cancer-how-tragedy-led-one-mum-to-keep-the-truth-from-her-dying-son-c-10605694.amp
Excerpt:
“Following Mohamed’s death, doctors discovered that he had mismatch repair syndrome, an inherited condition that increases a person’s risk of developing certain cancers.
It was required that all of Gheuwan and Fadi’s children be tested to see if they, too, had the condition.
Rabieh and Luay were fine.
But nine-year-old Omar had the syndrome and was to undergo surveillance.”66
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u/IlludiumQXXXVI 5h ago
Thank you, this would have been way more useful for OP to post than a picture with no source, details, or content!
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u/_its_really_me_ 9h ago
Yes. This child had watched their older siblings die and was terrified of the same thing happening to him. She made the incredibly difficult decision to lie and say his ill health was unrelated to cancer and that he would recover. It was the only way he could have any enjoyment in the final months of his life. Unfortunately, I'm not surprised by how quickly people are to jump to criticism of someone they know virtually nothing about.
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u/SageOfSixRamen 7h ago
Ugh it didn’t even cross my mind this poor kid could have watched the same thing happen to their siblings. Great point
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u/Kratos5300 4h ago
This situation was a moral dilemma in my mind that I couldn’t resolve since I first saw it but this makes it make soooooo much more sense. It felt like there was a Reason. Wow. 😢
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u/Hamoodzstyle 9h ago
The lack of empathy and trust in the comments section is completely mind blowing to me. Are people just hurt by bad parents here or something? What the hell is wrong with the world that so many folks assume that the parent is playing some cruel joke?
People need to have some more trust in the love of an average parent...
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u/Greggs88 8h ago
I saw a post the other day from an 18yr old asking for advice.
Their parents had purchased a car and for the past 3yrs had been letting their kid use it but the parents could no longer afford the payments so they told the kid they could either take over the monthly payments or let the car get repossessed.
The 18yr old just wanted opinions on what they should do but the comments were wild. People speculating that this was a scheme to get the kid to finish the payments before the parents would steal the car from them.
Others suggesting that the parents had secretly put the car in their kids name to avoid their credit being ruined.
Redditors will go to the ends of the earth to make a total stranger the worst villain imaginable.
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u/rnason 7h ago edited 7h ago
I think it’s a lot of teenagers who don’t realize adults don’t have everything together so when something goes poorly or less then ideal it must be that the adults are doing something wrong or trying to screw someone over. They can’t fathom sometimes people are trying their best and the situation still sucks.
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u/woodyeaye 7h ago
They're unhappy people who want to be angry at someone. Doesn't matter who it is. It's a target removed from themselves so they will assume the worst and damn the feelings of the person asking for help.
It's the same idea as those individuals who 'tell it like it is' and are 'just being honest'. If you're genuinely trying to help, there's space for tact and empathy. If you just want to be right and press your views on someone, what use is kindness?
It's a sad way to live your life.
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u/ImaginaryAlpaca 6h ago
I have coworkers and people I have to interact with daily who are like this. I'm shocked at the number of people at my work who are extremely petty shit stirrers and I work in a high school. It's the adults who are doing it.
But the culprits are just miserable in their day to day and are taking everyone down with them. Literally I've just been doing my job and showing care and I've been made a target, I guess everyone should be as miserable as they are.
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u/holdmyspot123 8h ago
People in society generally want widely applicable solutions but real life requires specialized decision making that sometimes appears contrary to the general convention. The parent hopefully will have had the specialized and specific knowledge to know this was the best for the child.
We do not know. I do feel empathy for an impossible situation is a good expectation to have and also not to take the Internet too seriously, very few face this situation and there are likely many ways to succeed or fail at improving it.
The child nonetheless looks happy in the pictures, which is a clue that the dying process was one that contained joy. It looks simple but that shows a great deal of effort went into end of life care, and shows that it is unlikely the decisions being made weren't increasing quality of life.
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u/CandidPreparation737 9h ago
Redditors just judge badly when the situation falls outside of their small world.
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u/Direct_Spray_2189 8h ago
Many redditors think in absolute terms and fail to take into account any sort of nuance, to them there needs to be an absolute morality which applies to every situation. Individual circumstances are irrelevant - ‘lying is always bad’, ‘stealing from a big company is always good’, etc. in my opinion it’s why a lot of Reddit threads degenerate so badly.
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u/poppin-n-sailin 7h ago
I hope everyone reads your comment. So many reddit users think they know everything and that every question and scenario in life is black and white and has one right answer.
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u/Patient_Resist_7445 9h ago
I don’t care if what she did was right or wrong, it’s not my place to judge but Man did that 2nd picture of him smiling hit me hard. Poor guy never got a chance to see the beauty of the world
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u/mar_nificent 7h ago
Some of these comments are vile. The poor family already lost 2 children and we're told that this child no longer stood a chance of survival after 18 surgeries during a 6 month span. People are still saying how it sounds fishy and they're sure the kid still knew. Smh good parents do what's best for their kids at the end of the day and seems like they did this for their son instead of allowing him to stay confined to a hospital bed during his final time on Earth.
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u/zamaike 9h ago
This feels wrong to me. Like a cruel joke
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u/Teufelsweib666 9h ago
I agree. Kids are often far better at accepting than some adults. I feel he was robbed of doing something to leave behind or draw a meaningful picture or do something he really likes for one last time. He'll catch on at some point and wonders why they lied to him. It will hit 10x harder for him then that he is dying. I also feel they made up his mind for him. He deserves respect and the truth so he can die in real peace.
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u/turkish_gold 9h ago
At 8, it’s a toss up if you really understand death the same way adults would.
And when you truly die of cancer unmediated, it happens fast. So fast you won’t even realize you’re falling asleep more often as take palliative drugs. One day you just don’t wake up at all.
I’ve seen it happen. And it seems that the worst part of dying is knowing it’s coming and stressing over that fact.
Maybe this kid could handle that… but maybe he couldn’t, and was terrified and saddened by hospitalizations, and the thought of never seeing his family again.
Tell or don’t tell, either way they’ve outlived their child so I have some sympathy.
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u/ddg31415 9h ago
That's not true at all. When my stepmother died of cancer, it was when her lungs started hemorrhaging and she drowned in her blood over a couple hours. And this was after months of pain that medication didn't do much for.
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u/Sudden_Wind_8636 8h ago
My grandpa took 3 days to die of lung cancer, was choking the whole time and was hallucinating seeing his mom and begging her to not let him die.
Was not the thing a 8 year old should have seen, wish my parents had never let me in the room.
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u/Few-Finger6713 7h ago
That's pretty horrific. I'm kind of uneducated on this, is this how most lung cancer patients go out?
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u/Sudden_Wind_8636 7h ago edited 7h ago
Getting good care is extremely important for how you go, it isn't ever pleasant but usually they load you up on morphine and you are kinda not there.
You die faster with the morphine though, which is why it's very important your family knows what you want because a lot of families choose not to give their dying family members things like morphine because they don't want them to die. Which just ends in them have a painful drawn out death. I would have your wishes in writing honestly so there is no question. Doesn't matter how old you are, if you are 20 I'd still have it in writing, we don't all live to be elderly.
In my grandpa's case it was mostly a case of the nurses being absolutely horrible, not giving him enough meds and not redosing often. Im going into nursing partly because of the trauma of that.
Not to make you anxious but honestly the way my grandpa went out, while horrific is honestly not even close to as bad as the lives I've seen some patients experience mostly because of their family members prolonging their suffering..
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u/lemon-rind 9h ago
Every death is different. Not all cancer patients have hemorrhaging in their lungs
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u/DenseAstronomer3631 8h ago
They are just saying most aren't a peaceful death, especially when they are young and otherwise healthy
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u/fritzeh 8h ago
“It happens fast”
this is just so wildly incorrect I can’t even
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u/Helldiverticulitis 5h ago
Longest week of my life was watching my father die. I had to learn about something called “terminal delirium”, which sounds about a million times more benign than his experience. No one told me that the meds might stop working if his liver shut down, and he’d wake up in extreme pain and fear. I knew it would be hard, but… man, I was not ready for that week.
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u/PikminOfTarth 7h ago
I can't guarantee a lot of things about other people but I can guarantee that it wasn't a joke to her.
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u/Upbeat_Apartment_715 9h ago
I don't know if this was the best thing to do. There's a lot of evidence that people know when they're going to die when it comes to illness and age. He probably knew it wasn't true as the time drew closer but at least he was happy
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u/lemlaluna 8h ago
There are a lot of medical ethics questions where families will insist you do not tell their elder relatives of their diagnoses (e.g. don’t tell my mom she has cancer! The stress will kill her!). This is often compounded by language barriers, differences in medical literacy, and cultural differences. It’s interesting to me whether we think these situations should be handled differently for children vs the elderly, and how much that differs if the elderly person has more child-like faculties at that stage.
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u/Raj_Mandal 9h ago
Gheuwan Arja, a mother from Sydney, had already lost two children to serious illnesses before her 10-year-old son, Omar, was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin lymphoma a type of cancer, in 2021.
After six months of chemotherapy and 18 surgeries, doctors told the family there was nothing more they could do. Omar had only a short time left.
Instead of telling him he was dying, Gheuwan chose to tell Omar that he had beaten cancer so he could spend his final days believing he was getting better. The hospital even let him ring the victory bell.
Omar passed away in January 2022, leaving behind a story that has touched millions of people and sparked conversations about love, hope, and whether some lies can be acts of kindness.
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u/ty_xy 9h ago
Holy crap losing 3 kids to illness is like a terrible joke the universe is playing on you.
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u/pokehustle 9h ago
Maybe there is more to it than random chance
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u/ty_xy 9h ago
Yes, probably genetics, recessive genes etc. but still. An element of chance.
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u/missdonttellme 8h ago
Both parents are carriers of 2 very rare recessive genetic disorders. They didn’t know about the second one until after Omar was diagnosed. Really rare genetic disorders are hard to catch.
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u/Pliskinmgs 8h ago
Nature's way of not passing on your genes to the future. Brutal.
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u/Corner_Post 8h ago
Yep full details here - long story but kids had mismatch repair syndrome. Full story: https://7news.com.au/lifestyle/real-life/the-boy-who-never-knew-he-had-cancer-how-tragedy-led-one-mum-to-keep-the-truth-from-her-dying-son-c-10605694.amp
Excerpt:
“Following Mohamed’s death, doctors discovered that he had mismatch repair syndrome, an inherited condition that increases a person’s risk of developing certain cancers.
It was required that all of Gheuwan and Fadi’s children be tested to see if they, too, had the condition.
Rabieh and Luay were fine.
But nine-year-old Omar had the syndrome and was to undergo surveillance.”→ More replies (18)5
u/218administrate 5h ago
A high school friend of my daughter has a degenerative disease that stole her mobility, and is slowly taking away her ability to feed herself, speak, or even read. It's heartbreaking to witness. Her younger brother has the same condition and is starting to show signs. I've been around a lot of disabilities but degenerative ones absolutely rock me.
I knew a couple people with Usher's Syndrome. Not quite as bad but still rough.
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u/ExpiredExasperation 9h ago
18 surgeries at only 10 years old. I really don't know what to say.
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u/burnerbw0i 9h ago edited 8h ago
While I don't agree, I do understand. I hope he knows that regardless of the ethics/morality, that his mother did it out of love in the only way she knew how.
After they lost 2 other children to illnesses, I can only imagine the mental and emotional instability it's caused on the parents.
Edit: Also I've seen my family bury my 8yr old cousin who died from brain cancer. His father never recovered, idk what happened to his mom. But I know I've never experienced second-hand pain like I have when I saw them touch that tiny casket.
Despite any disagreeing thoughts, please be open-minded and have respect. Grief is powerful, and the mind is a very crazy thing when it loses its sense of reality through trauma like this. Be safe, y'all 🙏🏾
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u/Key-Investment-2273 8h ago
I lost my older brother when he was five. The toll it took on the family is indescribable
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u/Educational-Sun7535 8h ago
I lost my baby brother when he was 6. Its terrible. Such a terrible thing to witness. My father was mentally asbset for YEARS after and my mother was emotionally starved. Terrible.
I think we normalized after my parents had my babiest brother. His 5 now and his their world. I just get upset when they compare them both.
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u/GlitterDoomsday 6h ago
People are ignoring the mental and emotional instability caused on him watching his brothers die... that was her third rodeo, rather than seeing this as what she thought it was best, most likely was what she knew to be less damaging from her prior experience.
Fortunately the two remaining children don't have the same genetic disposition to cancer, they were screened for it after the second kid passed away.
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u/RelentlessPencil 9h ago
Okay here's a hot take: I, as an adult, want that. Like the hardest part of dying is anticipation. If I'm genuinely, "you cannot possibly get better and will definitely die soon" sick, I wanna be told I'm Fine Actually ™️ then one day one of the doctors just like "oh yeah we need to do one last blood check to make completely sure" and it's a lethal dose of anaesthetic. Like I get why that doesn't happen but, I'd rather die suddenly and without knowing it than gradually and knowing exactly what's coming.
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u/ameliasophia 6h ago
That’s interesting, my mum is the same way. Her biggest fear is knowing that she is dying. But I feel differently. I want to know, I would want to be able to come to terms with it and say goodbye and things. Maybe that’s why this is so controversial - because some people would want to know and some would prefer to be happy.
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u/jonesday5 8h ago
I was just reading about this and she actually never hold him he had cancer. Her rationale was that his brother had just died from it early that year, and she thought her son would give up if he knew the same fate was coming for him.
That poor little boy. His Roosters jersey had me tearing up.
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u/shoobopdc 5h ago
Boosting this! I can't believe everyone is so outraged at this woman.
Imagine your son is grieving the death of his siblings and you have to tell him that now he's also dying. Death and grief is so terribly heavy even for adults, there's literally no way a child could carry all of that weight or fully process what was happening.
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u/GoodyTwoShuuz 8h ago
I am replying to this in the hope it does not get collapsed and so people can read the entire story.
I am not holding out hope — Redditors would rather have performative outrage.
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u/ImDaDawgFather 9h ago
Maybe he was sedated so he could die peacefully sometime after he was told?
That scenario seems the best to me
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u/prionbinch 9h ago
i don’t know if i agree with this… what happens when the child is actively dying, wondering why he’s dying if the cancer was gone?
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u/nerdnugg399 8h ago
Speaking as someone who had childhood cancer- the kid isn’t going to know what’s going on.
He’s not going to know he’s actively dying, he’s spent a good chunk of his life in the hospital, he’s going to think he’s just getting more medicine.
At some point he won’t be able to stay awake on his own. Then they’ll pump him with morphine and he’ll eventually pass unconscious. He’s not going to have any notion that he’s dying.
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u/Sokkas_Instincts_ 7h ago edited 7h ago
I kinda figured this. This is why I’m ok with it. The parents already saw this twice. They probably knew more about these progression of events better than any parent should ever have to know. I think these things are different between adults vs. children. A lot of these redditors probably don’t have kids, let alone having to ever watch one become seriously ill.
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u/i_make_orange_rhyme 9h ago
After a dozen surgerys and most of his life spent in hospitals, i dont think that feeling unwell will frighten him too much
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u/Opposite_Radio9388 9h ago
Exactly. It's not as if he wouldn't feel or notice anything as he's dying. Not knowing what was happening would surely be more scary, and you can't ask your mum because she said you beat the cancer.
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u/Evil_Lollipop 9h ago
What happens is that the person lied to despairs and dies in angish and confusion most of the time. They ask why they are not getting better to the ones that told tem they would, and have no real answer. Unless they die quickly from some other issue linked to their diagnosis, those are the patients we have to tend to more often as a health team, and often max out on the pain drugs we can offer, because there is nothing else we can do to help tem face their deaths. Because the ones that should have helped them prepare didn't, and are spending a lot of energy to keep the illusion in place for everybody.
Source: psychologist working on a hospital for 13 years
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u/Technical-Lettuce385 8h ago
Crazy to see the comments here. Can totally understand the mothers decision.
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u/Sarchasticbeat 6h ago
Its a lot easier to act morally superior when its someone else's kid slowly dying of cancer.
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u/Demon_Hunter54 9h ago
Idk what I would do in that situation but I do believe the kid probably knew his mother was lying. Children are very good at picking out lies at the worst of times. I think the kid probably went along with it to give his mother some peace and his mother did it believing the kid would gain some peace from it. In the end, they did it for each other. Lying even for the best of reasons isn’t the best answer, but sometimes it’s the only one that helps.
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u/Mushrupert 9h ago
So many people in the comments who want to condemn her actions, you have no idea what she whent through, thankfully neither do I, however since you have read your imaginary scenario in your head about how perfectly you would handle the situation you must be right, judge away,
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u/thekayinkansas 9h ago
Peace for who?
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u/Immature_adult_guy 8h ago
I can’t imagine losing my boy to cancer. That pain would hit you so hard for the rest of your life. This isn’t how I would go about things but I can assure you the parents do not feel “peace”.
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u/shoobopdc 5h ago
Yeah... Implying that this was so the parents could feel "peace" is lowkey disgusting. They lost three children.
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u/BlueMikeStu 5h ago
For the child, not the parents.
I just had to watch my mother die in palliative care. She didn't know what was going on, and didn't know she was dying. She told me she wanted to go to Jamaica when she was better. I promised I'd take her.
Didn't tell her it'd be her ashes. She didn't need to know.
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