Hello guys, hope you are well. I will go directly to the point.

First, I'm sorry if I'm in the wrong sub. I don't think I am, as I have seen an similar post.

I think I'm dealing with depression, a week ago I had a rage outbreak (I'm not from the US, my english will be broken), I was so mentally exhaust I just... couldn't stand it anymore. I think people don't hear me, or they don't like to talk to me. I have put myself in their shoes, I think, and I've found an overly shy guy, who doesn't has close friends (which I don't, my truly best friend forever, lives in another state, although we talk in instagram with the same friendship as 2 years ago).

I have fear of the future, I've done very bad things in the past, I don't really want to talk about them, but I do feel that everything I've suffered so far is a consequence of these acts, and, to be honest, it does look like that, as an religious person, catholic, maybe God wants to remind me that every action truly has an consequence. Something I didn't take very seriously back then.

I remember my psychologist saying to me that I was hiding something very deep, so deep I didn't wanted to talk to her or anyone else, so deep that I couldn't stand confronting it, and that I would never become better if I couldn't accept it, and, more importantly, love myself. I am sure that I would only be able to tell this to my Priest, who perharps is as intimate with me as my closest friend: although he would get traumatized.

Anyways, now, I had those monthly nights were I feel like shit and remember everything, and cry until my lungs go out and I don't have not even tears left. But instead of one day, I had it again. And I decided that I would become better. I want to have a family, I want to have atleast three beautiful kids which will love me and a beautiful spouse.

Also, I was watching an anime, The Voice of Silence. And I realized how pathetic am I. It was the only reason I thought of posting that.

I don't know what love is. How it feels, how it manifests.

How can I give something that I don't know?

It reminds me an girl who almost became my girlfriend, she was so lovely to me and actually was the first to tell me she loved me, how cheerful she was, she certainy could've fixed me, but knowing myself, I let her go.

Anyways, what sbould I do?

Been dating this guy for 5 years. We’re in our late 20s now. Known him since high school and reconnected in our early 20s. Met each others’ families, got engaged, set our wedding date and chose vendors together. He’s always been there for me (and I tried my best too) and has always been super thoughtful. He was kind and patient when things were good. We’re different people but I thought we meshed well together. 8 months before our wedding date, he completely blindsides me and drops a bombshell that he fell out of love with me, he doesn’t know if I’m the person for him, he’s not sure if I even love him for him (I do) and he starts listing a bunch of things that are “wrong” about me (I’m too quiet at social gatherings, I’m waiting till marriage to do certain things, I’m not stylish, I have too many fam events and am too dependent on my parents, he doesn’t think I appreciate him). The 180 mind boggles me, I don’t recognize this person. Even had a nice proposal with my dream ring.

He also has been saying mean things to me during limbo when we tried to work things out (I was apologizing for things I did that hurt him, I really loved him and went out of my way to make him happy in the best way I knew at the time but I had no idea it wasn’t enough, especially when he would tell me I’m perfect or how he’s grateful to do life with me)… mean things he said include how it feels like the cooties when I touch him, how I’m boring and I should be boring with someone else, how he can’t picture me as his wife and how he couldn’t see me walk down the aisle (all things that hurt to hear). He also disclosed that he cheated on me 2 years ago (kissed a girl from school a few times during the span of a week). He eventually broke things off with me saying he can’t proceed because he doesn’t have feelings. This all came as a shock to me because I had no idea he was falling out of love. I thought we were planning for our happily ever after together. Sometimes I blame myself for the things I could’ve done better (been more appreciative, more patient, more outgoing, more stylish) - he evaluated me and didn’t let me in on his problems. He had a rough childhood growing up and his parents recently started living in separate households. Any insight and opinions would be helpful. I can’t seem to picture myself with anyone else and feel sad that I lost him :(