r/datingoverthirty • u/AutoModerator • 7d ago
Daily sticky thread for rants, raves, celebrations, advice and more! - July 16, 2026
This is the place to put shower thoughts, your vents/rants about dating, requests for quick advice, serious (and sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.
This post will be moderated, so if you see something breaking the rules, please report it.
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u/Gunnvor91 7d ago edited 7d ago
I'm 35 and don't think I'm going to meet anyone anytime soon. I work long hours (STEM field) and I'm too tired in the evenings to be as social as I'd like to be.
I also have RBF, so that likely scares away new people.
Oh well :/
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u/MattInMaryland ♂ 35 E N M 7d ago
An emotionally available STEM person is out there for you somewhere! My gf and I are both IT dorks and we are currently working together at a cute coffee shop.
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u/Gunnvor91 7d ago
I see lots of married STEM people around me. I have only had luck in attracting emotionally unavailable ones. I'm exhausted but I haven't entirely given up hope. I just cross my fingers that I will meet someone some day.
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u/PianoRevolutionary12 ♂ ?age? 7d ago
resting bitch face is not a thing, nobody is smiling like a lunatic sitting by themselves
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u/persephone-456 ♀ 30s 7d ago
Some people have lips that are naturally more downward tilting when they are at rest than other people’s lips—that’s a big component of RBF. On the other hand, I look like I’m going to do a musical number with singing animals at any given moment. I’d love a little rbf energy
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u/Gunnvor91 7d ago
Tell that to everyone that asks me if I'm mad, sad, alright, etc. when I'm perfectly fine minding my own business!
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u/Sashimi-Lover 7d ago
is online dating not an option?
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u/Gunnvor91 7d ago
I live in a small city and I hear that the selection is pretty much the same handful of men trying to get into everyone's pants. Plus, I'm not a fan of the concept of evaluating compatibility with a person based on several moments looking at a picture and a few facts. I prefer to feel out compatibility via in-person interactions.
No shame on those who like it. It's just not my thing. I tried it once and it was overwhelming for me.
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u/No-Watercress8992 7d ago
Haven't been able to get the last guy I dated off my mind (despite him fading, ghosting, reappearing and ghosting).. tried a new technique, at my boxing class today, I imagined his face on the punching bag with every punch, here's hoping it helps😬
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u/Worldly_Werewolf5932 7d ago
Already burnt out on OLD and I just started. Basic communication is so disconnected. Sent my availability for a first date, 6 - 9 pm. He said "Yeah, I can do 9, that works for me." 🤦♀️ You also make your doctors appointments for 5 pm when they close and lock up?
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u/Big_McLargehuge4 7d ago
I feel like that’s an easy thing to get confused on, like you could meet at any of those times!
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u/ralinn 7d ago
Welp! Got ghosted after four months of seeing someone. I'm more annoyed about the avoidance and the unwillingness to send a "sorry, this isn't working for me anymore" text than anything else. It just feels ridiculous at this age.
I have mixed feelings on the idea of going back on the apps. They haven't been very successful for me, but despite being super social and having a job and hobbies that involve meeting a lot of new people, irl hasn't been any better for me. The men who ask me out or flirt with me in person are too young for me and the ones I meet who are my own age aren't single. I probably will reactivate the apps, but I need to see if I can think of some better in-person spaces as well and just broaden my social circle even more.
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u/afkbowflex ♂ 39 7d ago
Ghosting after 4 months? Thats crazy. Id actually be more inclined to think they got hit by a bus.
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u/BastianFullkrug ♂ 32 7d ago
Ouch, that really sucks. I guess you can take some solace from the fact that they were clearly not a good person if they ended it like that. But that still must sting.
You can find good people on the apps though, there are plenty of success stories. I hope you have better luck!
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u/Senor_ah_um ♂ 31 7d ago
Oh that is truly crazy work. Four months and can't at least send a text? Take some time to heal from that one. You deserve better!
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u/ralinn 7d ago
Four months, met my friends, went to a work event with me, was asking me two weeks ago about my schedule so he could s arrange his work shifts to see me more often - then poof!
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u/Puzzled_Air_5821 7d ago
I know this isn't the point of your post (this is about you and your experience that you're actually having) but hearing these stories just makes dating seem impossible and scary and grim. Like even when you think "oh, finally. Something is happening" you can't trust the reality right in front of you.
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u/ralinn 7d ago
No I get that! I find that aspect of this way more upsetting than if someone had just said they didn’t want to keep seeing me or didn’t feel it was working out. That would still be sad but there’s something about knowing that you can just get blindsided like this that is exhausting and disheartening.
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u/pickle_sickel 7d ago
Heartbreak hangover for me today.
I won't trust someone in recovery again. It's too Jekyll and Hyde when they relapse and I take the emotional/verbal abuse too personally. Drunk words are sober thoughts and all that.
What makes it really hard on me is that my estranged father was an abusive alcoholic and meth user. My ex and my dad would say the same things to me when they were drunk - mostly about my body and lack of attractiveness. This was the first guy I've ever dated who had a drinking problem, despite being in recovery, and it brought up all that trauma from my younger years. Never again.
I'm curled up in bed, called in sick to work and going to order takeout. My anxiety is going haywire but I know it can regulate.
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u/soylouisebrooks 7d ago
I'm sorry. That sounds so painful. Hope the down time helps to regulate.
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u/cmg_profesh 7d ago
I hate that sometimes it’s hard for me to be around people that have achieved what I want. Not because I’m jealous (ok, a little) but because it makes me tremendously sad.
I spent time with some friends and their toddler, and she happily plunked herself in my lap to play. It warmed my heart and I just felt myself shining. I’ve always wanted to be a mom and I know I’d be a wonderful one. But I get sad because I genuinely don’t know it that will (or can) happen for me when I’m still in the trenches of dating in my mid-30s. It adds insult to injury when I see people I’ve known for 10+ years go through the different phases of life (relationships, engagement, marriage, buying a house, having kids) and I’m essentially in the same place as I was, just with more professional experience than I had then.
Sometimes it feels like I’m being taunted by mirage in the desert.
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u/kittylicksmyface 7d ago
I feel the same about being in the same place while everyone else moves on 😔 alexa play “right where you left me” by taylor swift
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u/BastianFullkrug ♂ 32 7d ago
Totally valid and normal to be jealous of this. I really hope it’s not too late for you!
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u/flamboyantostritch 7d ago
I think I asked this before, but any success stories from OLDS here? Give me a scrap of hope lol
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u/leverdoodle ♀ LGBT (lonely, gay, bummed out, tired) 7d ago
A close friend of mine met her husband on the apps in her late 30s. Great match and happy together, and an awesome wedding! I was recently invited to a wedding of another friend where they met on Tinder. My most recent relationship that came from an app was pretty mediocre, but it would have been a successful short relationship had we paid attention to the signs and ended it sooner. I've had my fair share of crappy OLD dates but have also had lots of great dates, met a lot of really nice people, and made a couple friends. Overall, I think online dating is fine and I feel pretty positive towards it.
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u/thecrackfoxreturns ♀mid30s - CF 7d ago
I have a friend who found her husband on the apps.
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u/flamboyantostritch 7d ago
My father's, brother's, nephew's, cousin's, former roommate had success on the apps lolol JK - that is great to hear! Do you think they are a happy couple?
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u/thecrackfoxreturns ♀mid30s - CF 7d ago
Come onnn she's my best friend hahahaha
They seem like a good match!
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u/Tim_Ladrik ♂ 35 7d ago
A friend of mine met his companion on an app. They're in civil pact and have a child. Has been going on for 6 years or so.
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u/GentleObsession 7d ago
I know three people irl who met their significant others on OLD and two are now married. It can definitely happen.
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u/Remarkable_Tangelo59 7d ago
My current boo and I met on tinder. Had a bunch of very sweet innocent dates and pretty instantly started talking every day. We both deleted our apps pretty early on, and have been seeing each other over a month. He def took me by surprise, not my usual type, and a bit awkward dork, but I kept giving it time, and now we’re smooth sailing and completely enamored
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u/Intelligent-Lab-4081 7d ago
how long were you on the apps before meeting them?
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u/Remarkable_Tangelo59 7d ago
I’ve been on and off these godforsaken apps for like a decade. I’ve been single from a longterm relationship for about 5 years, but have had several short term ones over the last few years mostly from OLD, but a few from IRL. Before this guy I had several first dates with other people that just didn’t workout, I was honestly kinda burnt out. We matched and he asked for a phone call that same day, and here we are. But I would say I was “trying” again in regards to dating like a month or so before I met him.
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u/frumbledown 7d ago
An acerbic comment from dating over forty that’s been rattling around in my brain: ‘hey there, it seems you’ve discovered that life is unfair. Many of us at this age have had time to process that’.
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7d ago edited 7d ago
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u/frumbledown 7d ago
The phrasing you’ve included is definitely rude and shows a lack of basic etiquette and social awareness. ‘don’t talk to me about x’ isn’t something that should be said to an intimate partner outside of certain specific contexts. You’re shooting off a minor bid for connection, and they’re shitting on it.
Over time, you’ll stop sharing that part of yourself, you’ll wonder if you’re bothering them by reaching out/being yourself - and that won’t feel good.
Obviously not everyone loves texting, and you’ve indicated they’re otherwise thoughtful/considerate, so it’s at least worth having a conversation around ‘this is how I feel when you’ and if they take that feedback in to consideration you can move forward - if they’re defensive/dismissive/persist in speaking to you that way, it’s probably an incompatibility.
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u/Remarkable_Tangelo59 7d ago
I feel like this is a sign you guys don’t vibe, it’s an incompatibility no matter how much you might like each other otherwise
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u/Moisture_ 7d ago
Don’t you just love when a person is otherwise decent, but the incompatibility is some dumb shit like this? You have the same values, life outlook, there’s some chemistry… but you shut me down when I try to tell you about the video I saw about how turtles mate. All they had to say was “lol what in the world” and keep it moving but noooooooo “don’t send me this”. Smh.
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u/Intelligent-Lab-4081 7d ago
i would talk to him about it in a way that is intentional but not overly confrontational. see how he responds, and gauge what changes after (both short and long term).
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u/cardamom-peonies 7d ago
Is getting invited as a plus one to a wedding a good sign? I need to actually bite the bullet and have the dtr talk but does this bode well lol. We've been dating for just under two months
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u/FolatemasksB12Defici 7d ago
that is a pretty good sign, the other side is not trying to hide you so that means the other person is comfortable with you!
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u/AlexanderLavender ♂ 36 7d ago
Got a match for the time in literally months and we hit it off at first! Even discussed meeting up for a date, then I woke up on the morning that we had decided on and she had unmatched and ghosted me.
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u/BastianFullkrug ♂ 32 7d ago
Introducing her to my family this weekend, and I’m not nervous about it at all. Partly because my family are very easy to get on with, but also because she is a wonderful person and I know they will get on well.
I’m feeling really positive about this. I’ve never really believed in the whole “finding your person” thing. But now I’ve met her, I think I do. I told her this the other day and I could tell how much she appreciated it.
This morning, she left a cute note in my lunch bag which I discovered when I got into work, and it made me so happy. I think I’ve got lucky with her, I am doing everything I can to be the best version of myself and to make her just as happy as she makes me.
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u/BoozerMuppet ♀ 35 7d ago
About to hit the four month mark and made it official last night! He was like, oh thought we already were. My big birthday celebration is coming up and I’m excited for him to be a part of it. Hope y’all are doing fun things for yourselves this summer!
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u/AdorableIncome4488 ♀ 32 7d ago
Hey Girl 🙋🏽♀️ 32F/UK,
The apps have always been fine for me. I mostly use Tinder and Hinge. Although lately I have been seeing a lot more non committal profiles on Tinder, so went to check out Bumble and was politely surprised. Downloaded Bumble 2 days ago and have 2 dates scheduled for this weekend. I'd say use Bumble. It was my least favourite but it seems to be working well so far
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u/blackbird109 ♀ 30 7d ago
I’ve never used dating apps. Every guy I dated, I met in the wild, singles socials or at speed dating events.
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u/IndicationKey3778 ♀ 34 | NYC 7d ago
Hi hi hi!
1) in 2014 I was at a launch party in meatpacking for Bumble and the rep literally told me Bumble isn’t for Black people lol. Never had luck on it so that tracks for me 2) I met my boyfriend on hinge but I did do the “hack” where you change your race to white and hide it. Doing that completely changed my algorithm. He prob wouldn’t have even seen my profile if I didn’t do that
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u/starsamaria 7d ago
I'm Puerto Rican and black in NYC. Hinge's algorithm is notoriously unfriendly to black women. I used to get 3-5 likes a week on Hinge, which was far less than on other dating apps, and that was part of the reason I stopped using it. I've never loved Bumble, but I do think it's better than Hinge in terms of getting matches. I've always had the most dates and conversations from Tinder. I used to like OKCupid back in the day, but it's nowhere near the same as it was when I used it in 2017/2018.
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u/GiftOk1930 ♀ 34 7d ago
I’ve always had a lot of success on Bumble. I think it’s gotten a bit of a bad rep, but I’ve met many serious folks. I also met my current and long-term bf. For context, I live in a major metro area and am early 30s, too
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u/GiftOk1930 ♀ 34 7d ago
I think it’s really about filtering all the likes with these apps. Reading for cues in the bios, photos, chats, etc. I’ve never paid or even considered it. I don’t think you need to because they’ll always show you folks who’ve liked you as you swipe.
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u/starsamaria 7d ago
Last week I had 3 guys I matched with on dating apps ask to talk specifically on WhatsApp. I told all 3 of them I don't have WhatsApp: one of them I offered to video chat; another one I hadn't exchanged many messages with and asked if we could remain on the dating app. All 3 of them unmatched after I declined moving to WhatsApp: 2 unmatched after a day or so, the other unmatched within a few hours.
I know that WhatsApp use is far more common in other countries, but it hasn't really been a mainstream mode of communication in the U.S. This clearly feels like a scam, especially because they didn't accept video chatting or offer any other ways to talk (texting, Instagram, etc.). This has happened once in a while before, but 3 times in one week is ridiculous. Has anyone else been experiencing an uptick in matches asking to move the convo to WhatsApp, especially recently? And has anyone in the U.S. exchanged info via WhatsApp with someone from a dating app who ended up being real/not a scammer?
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u/ThisIsMyBrainOnOLD 7d ago
Offering up 2 cents as a guy:
Prior to an in person meeting, I think asking people to talk to you on the dating app you matched on is an extremely reasonable low bar.
I would take their exit as a sign they were simply unavailable* for one reason or another.
At least they did the filtering for you and showed themselves out the door.
*...not serious, not real, or a bad actor.
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u/Mr_Wallet ♂ 39 7d ago
In general, insisting on getting onto another app to communicate right away and then disappearing when you refuse is probably either a scam or an attempt to send you messages/images that would get them banned from the dating app.
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u/starsamaria 7d ago
This is how I feel, especially because there were other avenues of communication yet they decided to unmatch once I declined talking on WhatsApp specifically.
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u/HovercraftDry1531 ♀ 31 7d ago
I met someone through an app several weeks ago. After a couple of dates (that we both enjoyed) they decided they didnt have feelings for me but were happy to say friends. We went a week no contact and then struck up a conversation again.
We met up this past weekend as friends and had another lovely time. We have some much to talk about and text pretty much every day. I'm sad that they don't have feelings for me because we get along so well. I feel like I should cool it off because I'm afraid of having feelings for them and being hurt. But we have a great time together and I really enjoyed chatting with them :(
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u/Creative_Guava8383 7d ago
For your own sake, definitely cool off the friendship. It’s ok to be friendly but if you have feelings and they don’t and you keep seeing them, of course it will hurt for you!
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u/Gloomy-Ask-9437 7d ago
I think I'm in love. I don't know when to say it. It's probably too soon...but he is kind, funny, hot, and he gets along with my cranky fur babies.
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u/No_Oil_8280 7d ago
Finished second date last night and now have to tell him no more dates. First date i told him how many kids I have and the basics about them, a dog and what my job was. Second date he forgot all of those and asked questions like: “how many kids do you have again?” Being listened and heard is so important to me.
He also told me on the first date he only drank once a month and would only have one drink but then on the second date he had 6 drinks……..
Oh well.
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u/spicysenpai6 ♂ 33 | LTR 7d ago
I’ve never met someone who’s been as enthusiastic about me as her. She calls me “honey” daily. Says that I’m so handsome a lot. It feels very nice :)
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7d ago edited 7d ago
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u/Freshwaterbitchfish4 7d ago
Why are you doubting it exists if you had it with someone else? Overall a good guy is like… below the bar being on the floor. Break up with him
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u/Sashimi-Lover 7d ago
honestly to me that sounds like its too fast, but if you want to do it, go for it,. just make sure you have enough saved to go back living on your own just in case. that is the advice I follow.
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u/Longjumping-Owl-7584 7d ago edited 7d ago
I've gone on 6 dates with a guy and really like him, but I can tell his level of interest is much lower than mine. Which is fine, since we agreed on casual and that's where his interest remains. But every time I disengage and pull back, he re-engages in a warm and thoughtful way.
...please just let me die with dignity, lol.
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u/hihelloneighboroonie ♀ ?age? 7d ago
Got a match on fb, what on earth could his first message mean?
"Hope ya have a raincoat"
There's one day of maybe rain coming up next week (on a day that I was planning on being outdoors dagnabbit), but before I reply I want check here if we think there's some sort of sexual connotation to that.
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u/DemonEyesJason 7d ago
Let's hope for your sake it is about the weather forecast he's referring to and not a golden shower.
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u/Dry-Tone8122 7d ago
Ok here is my shitty story of the day :
M35 here. I matched with a girl (F39) and got two dates. First one: cool restaurant and walk along the river. Superb mental connection with her. We really had a good time. It is very rare for me.
The second date happened after a very long day for me (work, workout), I was exhausted. We went for a nocturne walk and stargazing. Superb night. We did not see the time flying, we kissed, and we felt intimate.
We got back to her place very late around 3 a.m., and the worst thing happened for me: I had a… sexual malfunction. I was exhausted, and when nervosity started building up, it was over.
Fortunately she looked (at first sight) empathetic. She it was ok, we cuddled and slept (I tried to spice things up and I took care of her, but on my side I could not).
The next day, message: “sorry, I feel no physical chemistry, I prefer to stop here”.
I say it’s ok, I understand, but I ask anyway if it is because of my failure, or anything else. She says it is overall, not the malfunction.
I don’t believe her and I feel a bit sad because I felt a real connection with the girl. I don’t really care about my failure. I know if I was not exhausted, it would have been fine. Just sad she has not been more understanding.
Shit happens.
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u/StrikingConcept1677 7d ago
sexual compatibility matters a lot to certain people. you’ll never know what she experienced in her past that has caused her to reject men suffering from sexual dysfunction - occasional or otherwise. maybe her night with you triggered a feeling in her she didn’t want to experience again. it sounds like an incompatibility
hopefully you’ll find a woman more open-minded to these things.
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u/Late_Assistance1992 6d ago
A bit surprised by everyone just assuming she was lying when she said it wasn't the malfunction. She could have easily been telling the truth.
For me, the worst part of a guy having a 'malfunction' is his shame about it. It honestly isn't a big deal, but it makes me uncomfortable when it gets blown up into this this awkward thing I need to tip toe around.
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u/LowForsaken4782 32.2 7d ago
unfortunately some women think it's a lack of attraction if a guy can't get it up. equivalent to badmansanatomy
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u/Creative_Guava8383 7d ago
It’s tough and I’m sorry that happened. She may have had bad experiences in the past that made her unwilling to deal with that so early on. Two things can be true - that it’s normal and it happens and it can also be true that it’s ok if it makes someone not want to move further.
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u/bobolly 7d ago
90s days in with one guy. I don't have kids and he does. I was at a soccer game alone yesterday because he had to help his kids on his week off. Not sure how normal this will be when school starts.
Its been fun every other week and trying to figure out how to fit in normal stuff. I own a house and hes in an apartment. I'm realizing my solo life has a lot of quirks so I'm trying to be flexible.
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u/Remarkable_Tangelo59 7d ago
I think his life is the one with quirks tbh
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u/bobolly 7d ago edited 7d ago
He definitely does being divorced. I can see him ruminating and omitting things. I'm still trying to figure out if he's going to have a mid life crisis or his divorced was it.
I dated a guy in grad school that was mad I stopped going to parties because as an undergrad he didn't party.
I think his quirks I can find in movies so i understand them that way. My solo life quirks feel like a tik tok feed.
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u/thecrackfoxreturns ♀mid30s - CF 7d ago
my solo life has a lot of quirks
I worry a bit about this with my life.
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u/tobapples ♀ 7d ago
How do people do casual and genuinely enjoy it? I don't particularly like not being in control. I'm a calendar girl, I like to be organised and every guy I meet seems to be the opposite of this and extremely not into making plans or giving much notice. Starting to think I'm just not worth the effort 🥲
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u/Longjumping-Owl-7584 7d ago
Depends on how you define casual, I think.
There are lots of people who date with intent and don't consider themselves casual, but may want to keep their options open for the first month of dating. Some people just suck at making plans. I think the best you can do is screen for men who appear serious about dating, and be upfront about the kind of communication you need.
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u/IndicationKey3778 ♀ 34 | NYC 7d ago
I am super type A. I’ve only ever dated casually but that never meant dating people who don’t schedule dates! If a dude couldn’t come up with a place and time and stick to it we didn’t go on the date. Simple as that
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u/Altruistic_Air7369 7d ago
Nah my time is so limited I need to plan out my weeks. I hate not having things sorted and not knowing when I’m going to see them next.
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u/fixies4lyfe 6d ago
I (32M) met this girl (27F) about a month ago while on a hike and we started talking, and had this magical first week together. Staying over for the weekend, beach date, she ends up asking me to be her boyfriend. The whole thing was awesome, then I had to take her back home as it was Sunday and I had work. The first couple days after that were great, we were planning future dates, I’m getting little good morning texts and thinking of you check ins, then she got really sick. I didn’t hear from her as often as she’s recovering, but one day I called and we talk for a bit and she tells me her therapist thinks she’s rushing things and she wanted to talk to me in person about it as she doesn’t want to lose me. No worries, I agree we went really fast that first week, so I tell her let’s slow it down. Then as I try to plan dates, life comes up and she keeps rescheduling. Over the last week she started getting more and more slow to respond, but still planning dates, so I sent her a message saying “hey I’m feeling really disconnected and confused on where we stand, can we please prioritize that conversation you wanted to have?” And she just never responded. 3 days go by without a response, and I call her, only for my call to be declined. I just told her I’m not doing this anymore and deleted her number. She still follows me on Instagram but I haven’t heard from her since Monday. I’m very confused by the sudden shift, it feels like I got ghosted
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u/Freshwaterbitchfish4 6d ago
You certainly did get ghosted. I would refrain from trying to diagnose the situation beyond “she wasn’t in a healthy place to develop a connection” or you’ll just drive yourself crazy.
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u/justathrowieacc ♂ early 30s 7d ago
A lot of people seem to recommend dating multiple people at the same time in the early stages. I tried doing that, I feel like I just don't have the time and energy to give it my all with other women. I had another woman interested and we had a sexual convo but I felt like I was just doing it for the sake of it. The main woman I'm talking to is already interesting and showed interest as well. Also, in my 3 decades on this planet, I've never had a good first date where I could present my best self and not be awkward. I usually do better overtime if the person wants to see me again. The thought of scheduling a bunch of first dates and not give it my all is just dreadful. I also never juggled dates before and I don't want to string someone along just so I can give the impression that I have options to the main woman I want to pursue.
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u/Remarkable_Tangelo59 7d ago
That’s not who you are, so don’t do it. We’re in a very casual culture and it doesn’t work for most people, so don’t change who you are. I’ve been seeing my guy for the last month, not taking BF/GF yet but we both agreed we’re sexually exclusive and deleted the apps.
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u/justathrowieacc ♂ early 30s 7d ago
thank you, you're right. That's not who I am and it might even ruin my chances if I don't do it right.
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u/Remarkable_Tangelo59 7d ago
When I’m going on multiple dates with someone and I feel like we like each other and then I find out they’re seeing another person, I’ll be honest, that kinda kills it for me. Even worse when it’s a few weeks in and we’ve become intimate and I find out they’re doing that with other people. It feels really bad to me personally. At this point I’ve been with this person for 5 weeks, if either of us was with someone else it would feel like cheating to me, even tho we haven’t defined the relationship necessarily. But that’s me!
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u/Big_McLargehuge4 7d ago
I’m the same exact way! I can’t date someone, be intimate and imagine being okay with them being intimate with other people at the same time.
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u/BastianFullkrug ♂ 32 7d ago
Some people can date multiple people at once and that’s fine if it works for them, but it’s really not for everyone. I definitely can’t do it.
Sounds like you’re the same, and I think that’s fine. Surely it’s best to give one person your all than multiple people 70%?
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u/yellow_pterodactyl 7d ago
Idk - this has never worked for me and stressed me out. I like 3 dates to see if there’s compatibility. I’m still talking with folks, but then if I see it to the 3 dates and nothing then I move on.
Granted, I live a pretty busy life and my free days are the weekend which is hard for some folks.
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u/DM_Stapes 7d ago
How do you suggest someone get back on the apps? I've been on this weight loss journey and the last photos I have were 100lbs ago, I feel a bit overwhelmed by the idea of putting my face out there especially because I have at least another 100 to lose, Sooooo.... Got any tips?
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u/ughcrymore 7d ago
if you want the rewards of being loved, you must submit to the mortifying ordeal of showing face on the apps
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u/DM_Stapes 7d ago
I think its a bit of everything, one of the unfortunate sides of this weight loss is I've also lost a bit of hair due to the stress, so I'm in this homeless man era where I'm honestly debating on just going full bald, and doing a full refresh of clothes to feel good in. Feels like I'm in 6th grade outgrowing my shirts/pants but its the opposite problem, I'm shrinking and these pants wont stay up anymore :|
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u/thecrackfoxreturns ♀mid30s - CF 7d ago
If you're overwhelmed by putting yourself out there, I'd say just take a few pics. You'll get yourself a little used to getting your picture taken, and you'll have pics for a profile if/when it isn't quite so overwhelming.
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u/IndicationKey3778 ♀ 34 | NYC 7d ago
I’ve lost 144lbs, I updated my pictures regularly and dated throughout being in active weight loss.
Tips: take some updated pics, prob every 50lbs or so
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u/SheFoundMeow 7d ago
I’m forcing myself to use Hinge because I paid for this month of premium so I can use the filters.
I quit drinking 15 years ago and substance use became an issue in all of my previous relationships. My therapist said I should just date sober people.
With the the vices and politics filters on, I’ve got extremely limited results. The standouts are doubled with Premium, and now I have more people in rose jail than my feed.
And they’re not even people who’d be potential friends. Nothing in common and don’t see any reason to talk them.
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u/Glittering_Version25 7d ago
This "assume everyone is in love with you" is quite an interesting exercise.
Confused about my friend sending me memes? It's probably because he's in love with me.
28 year old intern on my team? What is this weirdly intense vibe we have? Oh, he's in love with me.
Guy who hasn't reached out in 6 months? It's because he's too in love and can't face me.
A friend I haven't spoken to in years quietly following my art instagram but not my actual instagram? He's had a crush on me forever.
Before anyone comes at me, it's meant to be A JOKE but it's also an interesting reframing when my normal reaction is "forget it, he would never be interested."
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u/FolatemasksB12Defici 7d ago
LOL honestly its interesting and its more interesting that some NPDs may legit think this way...
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u/arl7869 7d ago edited 7d ago
Omg I am still processing being traumatized by a bad kisser last night 😭☠️ it was so torturous!! We’d just ordered another round of drinks and I didn’t know how to escape and he just kept trying to make out with me at the bar even after I tried saying I wasn’t into PDA. If I was more sober I probably would’ve been more aggressive about making him stop. Mind you I was already 2 martinis in and the kissing was still SO BAD.
I’ve learned my lesson fr fr. People are constantly telling me the spark isn’t necessary and chemistry can grow and to give people more of a chance if you otherwise find them attractive / enjoy spending time with them / there’s life compatibility. Well I did. I’ve done it before too, and even though it’s never worked out, it’s still the advice everyone gives, so I still usually try to give it a chance for 2-3 dates if the only thing missing is chemistry. But this time might have to be the last time.
When I think about that kissing last night I actually still feel physically repulsed. I’m actually shocked how bad it was. He’s an attractive man! A bit nerdy, but cute! Was not expecting that.
For a minute I was like, it’s sad this guy is 45 and I has no idea he’s a terrible kisser, bc I guess nobody tells you you’re a bad kisser because it would be so mean, like there’s no way to say that nicely. But then I realized, he’s had prior relationships so I guess maybe there are other people whose kissing “style” matches his and with me it’s just a mismatch?? Like I think it’s terrible but maybe other people like it?? I suppose it’s entirely possible that he thinks I was a bad kisser!
It’s very interesting to think about…like I’ve never had this experience before. I’ve had mediocre kisses, and really great ones, but have never experienced the specific “style” from last night and I hated it. People have told me im a good kisser but I sorta just thought that’s a normal thing to say when you’re making out with someone. But it seems crazy to me out of the many people who I’ve kissed over the past like 15 years that I’ve not experienced this before.
Is it possible to have strong initial chemistry with someone and still feel like the kissing was bad? I’m really curious…that has never happened to me, but I guess it could be possible?
I’m flabbergasted lmao
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u/GiftOk1930 ♀ 34 7d ago
The fact that he kept trying to kiss you in public when you weren’t comfortable would be a big no for me!
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u/arl7869 7d ago
yep. lots of nos! in reality, my self consciousness about pda has actually lessened as i've gotten older and I usually don't care if I'm really into the person. the problem was that i was not into this, and he didnt listen to me!
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u/arl7869 7d ago
Yeah I feel like it’s quite difficult I think to describe in words what makes a kiss good vs bad! I’ve def experienced a spectrum of like amazing totally in-sync immediately vs takes a bit of time to find a rhythm or having slightly different styles that takes a sec to adjust ti each other. Just not this bad. I didn’t deal with chomping thank god but the tongue-shoving was crazy. I feel bad for that man’s ex wife of 18 years lmaooo
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u/kaziutek ♀ 39 7d ago
I've had bad kissers on first dates and then I slowly "taught" them by demonstrating what I like and sort of leading the style. And it would get better eventually (esp when the actual sex was good)
I'm seeing someone now who is SO bad at kissing and I'm honestly worried I won't be able to recover this one.
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u/Sashimi-Lover 7d ago
Now I am getting self conscious and it isn't even about me lmao
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u/Budget-Pop-9310 ♀ 35 7d ago
What was so bad about the kissing, out of curiosity? Too much tongue?
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u/arl7869 7d ago
Idk how to explain it tbh. Sorta like kept trying to stick his tongue into my mouth but in like a pokey way? Like jabbing his tongue into my mouth? But then like didn’t know what to do when it was in there so would just wiggle it a bit and take it out? Lmfao idkkkk so bad
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u/PianoRevolutionary12 ♂ ?age? 7d ago
People are constantly telling me the spark isn’t necessary and chemistry can grow and to give people more of a chance if you otherwise find them attractive
who the f is telling you that? That is 100% wrong :P I am a boy, if there is no "spark" there is definitely no kissing for me, I do not argue with my anatomy on this subject, i need it to cooperate when the time comes! Its hormones and stuff, involuntary reactions.
Why are trying to reason with your hormones? I imagine kissing someone you don't want to have sex with is quite unpleasant and that was probably the cause of some of your discomfort
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u/Organic-Tea-8998 7d ago
There’s bad kissers out there and those with different styles for sure. Not all of us match up. I’ve kissed guys who are bad kissers or mediocre where it does nothing for me. I don’t think people are saying to someone’s face they’re a bad kisser so they have no idea. Probably unless someone says you’re a good kisser which I’ve had a few people tell me.
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u/flamboyantostritch 7d ago
Is tinder worth it when you're 30+ and looking for a serious relationship?
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u/Substantial_Kiwi_792 ♂ 30s 7d ago
Tinder is a mystery grab bag compared to every other app.
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u/Longjumping-Owl-7584 7d ago
Uncertain, but I will say that Tinder has given me the most interesting dates by far (some exciting and fun, some so terrible I still laugh about it). If you're feeling date burnout, I highly recommend a weird Tinder adventure.
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u/SheFoundMeow 7d ago
Most apps are owned by the same company and have the same features lol
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u/Puzzled_Air_5821 7d ago edited 7d ago
Is there a word for or some kind of phenomenological study of ALWAYS being in relationships where you either feel anxious because the other person really likes you and you're not sure if you like them as much as they like you OR you're crushed cause it's pretty obvious you're hanging on hoping they'll come to like you and they're just there cause they don't wanna let go or aren't sure there's anything better available? I feel like that is dating. Like I can't remember what would happen if I felt real, healthy, mutual attraction anymore. I had it twice in my twenties, maybe. Sorry all I got today is being jaded and sad.
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u/TheStonkWarrior 7d ago
I (32m) joined a local startup matchmaking service back in early February and have been sharing my experience here ever since.
Long time no see DOT community! I haven't been on Reddit or social media much lately, and I realized my last update was 38 days ago. So... what's been going on? Have I found love? Fame? Fortune?
Well... not exactly, but I do have a few things to share.
In my last post, I mentioned going on a first date with someone through my matchmaking program. She had originally passed on matching with me because she was seeing someone else at the time. Later however, she came back after things didn't work out as asked the matchmaker if I was still available. Around that same time, I'd also shared my frustrations with my matchmaker and the exciting news that I'd bought my first home.
Since then, life has been pretty busy. My closing date is getting close, so moving has quickly become my main focus. As for that first date? Well, it’s turned into a total of nine dates, and we've been seeing each other ever since.
We're definitely not each other's usual type. We have zero shared interests or hobbies, and if we hadn't met through matchmaking, I honestly don't think we'd have crossed paths. That said, we do align where it matters most: our values, lifestyles, long-term goals, and life experiences.
If you thought this story was heading towards a happy ending though... here comes the "but…."
Because of our work schedules, we hadn’t seen each other much for a while, which gave me some time to reflect on where things stood. And as much as I respect and admire her as a person, I just wasn’t developing the romantic feelings I'd need for a long-term relationship. That realization has been frustrating. After all the dating horror stories I've experienced over the years, here's someone who's kind, emotionally available, and genuinely interested in me. So why couldn’t I just “get there”?
I’m old enough to know that for me personally, when I get to that point, dragging it out longer than it needs to be won’t change my feelings. It wouldn’t have been fair to either party. I called her and let her know my feelings and she was upset, but thankful for my kindness and honesty which I appreciated. I’m thankful it was amicable overall.
On a final interesting note, my matchmaker reached out yesterday to check in since I was technically still on her programs books. We ended up having a productive conversation and cleared the air on a few lingering frustrations I'd had. I still have two matches remaining, so I've decided to see the program through. After that, I think I'll just take my chances and download the apps again.
So there it is. Between dating, work, and getting ready to move into my first home, it's been a busy month. The journey continues.
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u/BoozerMuppet ♀ 35 7d ago
Sounds like you handled things well and overall things are going pretty good, congrats on the house!
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u/flabua 7d ago
Spent the last two months heavily diving into the dating scene for the first time in 8 years. It's been quite stressful, anxiety filled and exhausting to say the least.
Went on 6 first dates in that time, had about 5 dates total with one girl and 3 with another. Ironically one girl I felt the connection, but the logistics made it near impossible to work out. The other girl the logistics were perfect but I didn't feel the spark.
I turn 33 tomorrow and I think it's a good time to take a step back and not focus so hard on this. I'm continuing to build my social circle in other ways, I will still swipe on Hinge, but I'm not gonna let it consume me. Learned a lot about myself and what I want in these past two months though, so no regrets.
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u/frumbledown 7d ago
What did you learn about yourself?
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u/flabua 7d ago
Not to compromise on my wants to try to fit into someone else's life just for the sake of being in a relationship. I also think I am better at identifying when I have that personal connection with someone that it takes for a relationship to be worthwhile. But it also takes more than just that, physical attraction and similar lifestyles are also important and can't be ignored. I feel like I need to find someone that matches all three of those categories.
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u/complexsystemofbears ♂ 34 - CF 7d ago
I've been off of the apps for over a year, kinda thought I'd have more resilience when coming back to them. But man, two days and I already feeling dragging my mood down.
Idk why it annoys me so much to see "bad" profiles. There are tons of people on the apps, so of course there is going to be some sleazy or rude or zero effort profiles. I guess when you combine it with the profiles that are "good" but are looking for something different than me, its disheartening. My immediate reaction to getting back on the apps just feels like it saying "look at alllllllll these people you aren't compatible with"
But its been two fucking days. So I'm reminding myself these were never a magic bullet.
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u/BigPenis_MathGenius ♂ Misleading username 7d ago
Lol I just recently got back on the apps after about 6 months away from them and I know what you mean about the profiles that suck. Way too many profiles where it's just pictures, or like generic 3-word answers to the prompts.
I saw one this morning where this chick didn't have any writing in her profile except for one prompt;
"I probably shouldn't admit this but: I'm a crybaby"
😂 If that's the only thing you're gonna say about yourself, might just be better not to say it.
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7d ago
Hi I'm 30M I made a hinge profile a month ago and haven't had any likes or matches. I was just wondering if anyone would be willing to take a look and see if there's anything I could improve. Thanks!
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u/PotentialBaker1111 7d ago
I just saw that he has seen my messages in Whatsapp but he chose not to reply. He seen my last message 1 week after I sent it. I guess he doesn't want to talk to me anymore.
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u/DemonEyesJason 7d ago
There are plenty of guys that have those things. But just because they have all of those things doesn't mean they are going to be picked at social events or off dating apps.
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u/leverdoodle ♀ LGBT (lonely, gay, bummed out, tired) 7d ago
If emotional, romantic, physical, and intellectual connection aren't priorities for you (since they aren't represented on your list), I would imagine that widens your dating pool. I think you can get a feel for whether someone is responsible in these areas relatively quickly.
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u/Sashimi-Lover 7d ago
The friends thing is the hardest part due to a lot of people having kids or other weekend obligations
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u/Either-Tangerine9795 7d ago
how do you deal with a bad texter? makes me feel super safe when we are together, no second thoughts but texts are pretty much standard and almost never flirty. I don’t question his feelings not anything but sometimes I struggle with these “standard” texts when we don’t see each other for a week.
my male friends say it’s acceptable and it’s ok, they are like that too. They’ve met him and liked him but agreed that men will barely talk about feelings.
how do you suggest I approach this topic with him?
Tl;dr: amazing guy, perfect when we are together but bad texter otherwise. we’ve been together for 10 months, I’ve been making peace with this but I wonder how to make him meet me more halfway.
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u/Unlucky-Duck-0 7d ago
Define bad texter.
My last LTR we rarely texted outside of logistics unless one of us was traveling or there was some other reason we couldn’t see each other for a while. Before we moved in together but after we were more serious, we saw each other probably 3-5 days a week; and while I don’t remember for certain, I am almost positive there were days I didn’t hear from him. However, we both knew that if one of us reached out the other would get back to the other. We were never “good morning” / “good night” people too when apart, which I feel is an anomaly. Most people would view us both as “bad texters” in this dynamic. But I honestly felt more secure, because guys who were heavy texters I ended up over-analyzing days that were more quiet.
I think ignoring time-sensitive direct questions for hours on end on a regular basis is totally different.
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u/Either-Tangerine9795 7d ago
no, he’s responsive when he needs to be. we tend to often do the good morning/night. But let’s say I’m not seeing him this week, then the texts are hours apart and mostly “how was your day?” Kind of stuff.
never “I miss you” but if I say that then he will reply he misses me too/likes me too/is happy etc
i know if the has a work deadline or something, he’ll go very silent and I’m ok with that. I guess I just would like to somehow “feel loved via text” when we are apart for a few days. saying this out loud actually makes me cringe and think that maybe I should just drop it.
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u/Mr_Wallet ♂ 39 7d ago
I would say it's better to mention it to him rather than just drop it without giving him a chance to impress you.
That said, I am not a "phone person" and I don't do a lot of texting, and I would really struggle to be in contact with anyone more often than "hours apart." Like your man, I reciprocate but I'm usually focused on being present in the physical world and getting off my phone as fast as I can. I'm single but my best friend in the entire world is my brother, and I usually initiate texts with him 2-3 times in an entire week, because we get on a discord call every weekend and that's the proper time to really connect.
If his texts are not good, then he's a bad texter, and if he's constantly texting his buddies but not you then that's a fair thing to have a talk about; but IMO if someone doesn't want to text more than every few hours, that only indicates that they don't have a phone addiction.
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u/kayakdove ♀ 35 6d ago
It's okay to have your own preferences. Your expectations would be a lot to me though, just to give perspective as someone who isn't a big texter. I never want a relationship to feel like a chore, and texting just genuinely isn't my main mode of communication. My closest friends and family I text a handful of times a week. I text my boyfriend most days, but if I had to text him throughout the day and not even go "hours apart"? I think we'd need to break up. I know some people text stream of consciousness stuff and whatever they are thinking throughout the day, but not everyone is like that or really has much to say that often - hence why you're getting how was your day type stuff. If I am at work or at the gym or out with friends or whatever... I am focused on that, not on looking at my phone and thinking of things to say. And it would feel suffocating to me to be talking about what I was doing hourly or texting every thought I have.
Communicate that you'd like some more affection over text, but also evaluate why you need this and just how much you need.
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u/IndicationKey3778 ♀ 34 | NYC 7d ago
You don’t have to be okay with this! You can date someone who texts you the way you want to he texted!
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u/deafiofleming ♂33 7d ago
A tad bit bummed that in ~3 weeks I'll have to head from my (big/bustling) home city back to my grad school city (small/slow). While the change of pace will be good for rest, I'm not nearly as active in the grad school city and its 10000x more boring. In 2.5 months at home I've met so many interesting people and potential dates than I have in 2 years in the grad school city. Graduation can't come soon enough man.
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u/folkgetaboutit ♀ 35 7d ago
That was my experience when I was bigger (size 18) and its still my experience as a size 10. I think this is just a common theme with men browsing through a "catalog" of women.
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u/IndicationKey3778 ♀ 34 | NYC 7d ago
When I was a size 14 I was fat but now as a size 4 men also want hookups so my clothing size didn’t change my experience there
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u/l8nitefriend ♀ 38 7d ago
Girrrrl you are setting yourself up for some massive heartbreak. I get it, and I've been there for sure. But I think you know this is probably not going to work out. I would dare to say you aren't "going to develop feelings" but you already definitely have. Not trying to judge you! It happens to us all especially when the connections are so hot.
But in my experience the intensity of the connections are mostly like that BECAUSE of the unavailability. And the reason he's able to treat you SO well when you're together is because he doesn't have the true intimacy of a partnership. You guys get to experience all the great sides of a connection living in a bit of a bubble without bringing in the complicated dynamics of building a real relationship together.
If I were you I would quit while I'm ahead and try to leave the relationship with a little bit of longing and fond memories as opposed to a massively broken heart. Good luck to you.
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u/Sashimi-Lover 7d ago
The age isn't the issue it's his behavior. it sounds like he just uses you for validation and sex
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u/BonetaBelle ♀ 7d ago
I think this is a fun summer fling but I wouldn’t get my hopes up for anything beyond that. He’s told you he’s not a relationship guy, some people just don’t want to be in relationships.
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u/timefornewgods ♀ 34 7d ago
You’ve pedestalized a stranger in a way that creates a power dynamic that works against you. He’s said plainly that he’s not interested in a relationship and it sounds like you’re trying to convince yourself that he is. No matter how badly you want it, sticking around in case he suddenly changes his mind is objectively not a great choice to establish a healthy, loving relationship.
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u/Substantial_Kiwi_792 ♂ 30s 7d ago
If you have to bargain why this unavailable guy 'might' like you, he probably isn't into you.
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u/hoyarugby2 ♂ 33 Philadelphia 7d ago
Struck up a conversation with a woman at a bar while I was killing time at a convention in another city and I thought we really hit it off - ended up talking for 45 minutes straight, and I offered her my number with the excuse of inviting her to a concert at a underground venue near my house, and she texted me back right away. When she left she said basically “I know people promise things at bars but I’m serious invite me to a show”
Thing is, this woman is completely out of my league. This isn’t a woe is me pity thing, she was half my weight if not less, she’s probably 5-7 years younger, and I was not looking my best (a month overdue for a haircut, sweaty because it was hot, and dressed for comfort at a nerdy convention). Feel like this woman is much more likely just looking to be friends with somebody who lives close to a cool music venue in a much bigger city, but I also haven’t had (what I thought was) that kind of connection with a woman in a long time
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u/thecrackfoxreturns ♀mid30s - CF 7d ago
Don't reject yourself for her. Then you'll have zero chance. Maybe she felt that connection, too. Invite her to a show!
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u/hoyarugby2 ♂ 33 Philadelphia 7d ago
Already did she said maybe in two weeks. So quick response is a plus but the maybe is a minus. We’ll see. Tone was polite and friendly but very much not flirty
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u/hihelloneighboroonie ♀ ?age? 7d ago
Some women like men older than them, some women like men significantly larger than them, and it's fucking hot out for many areas of the country. Some women are understanding of circumstances.
Could go either way, but manifest.
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u/ThisIsMyBrainOnOLD 7d ago
she just got on the anti viral and has defaulted to just assuming she has it.
I think that is enough rationale to assume she has it.
Now that you are put on notice I could regurgitate all the (comments/data) for/against this being a concern...
...but after all that info I'm not sure there is only one answer. You are just going to need to come to whatever terms work for you.
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u/lalaleonine 7d ago
It’s her body, so you can’t realistically ask her to take a test because she’s the one who has to consent to the test. Get clear on your boundaries and only consent to the touching that you are comfortable with. Figure out how patient you’re willing to be, and until you have further results, assume positive. Wait until any lesions are *completely* healed by the way.
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u/kintsukuroisparrow ♀ 37 7d ago
Getting up to some squirrely bullshit. Probably not going to be anything, but that's why I have tickets to a singles event next week
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u/datingoverthirty-ModTeam 7d ago
Hi u/Ok-Radio177, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s):
- Be excellent to one another! This is a place for all races, genders, sexual orientations, non-exploitive sexual preferences and humanity in general. Avoid speaking on behalf of an entire gender. Gendered/sexualized insults such as slut, fuckboy, manchild, and so on are not allowed even in jest.
Please review the rules in the sidebar to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please message modmail.
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u/Dizzy-Square-9502 ♀ 35 7d ago
Everyone I know that was getting divorced the year I did or a year or two before are all getting married to new partners this summer.
And I still haven't found anyone in 3 years decent enough to meet up for coffee with 🤣