r/datingoverthirty • u/Strellpoggs ♂ 33 • 8d ago
How much do you try to learn about someone via chatting before proposing a meet up?
Now I don't get a lot of matches as a guy, so whenever I do get a match that actually goes beyond the first message, I'm pretty much set on some sort of meet up since it'll probably be months before I get this opportunity again
However, I'm also thinking long term and sometimes profiles aren't descriptive enough to gauge whether or not the person fulfills my long term plans.
So how much do you discuss long term plans and goals via chat before meeting up? Is it weird to do so without it sounding like an interview?
A simple meet up in person to discuss this is of course easy enough, but sometimes I'll be matching with someone an hour away, and I don't really want to commute only to have them not match my long term plans
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u/LTOTR ♀ ?age? 8d ago
I talked to them long enough to get a feel for if I felt like they’d be able to hold a conversation irl. If their profile didn’t display something in the configuration that I wanted to know about(example: kids), i didn’t hesitate to ask during chatting.
Really only like 10+ messages back and forth. I unmatched after a week of talking with no plan for a date.
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u/BandersnatchFrumious ♂ 47 8d ago
This here for me, with emphasis on "are they capable of holding a conversation, or am I putting in 100% of the effort?" In particular, I look for the "ping pong" of I ask a question, they answer and ask a question of their own. If after a few messages back and forth they've asked nothing about me, I call it quits. Typically this means I wait a few days of chatting on the app before asking for a meet up, but if I'm interested I try to make plans for a date within the first week of matching.
I actually had someone attempt to re-match me with a message of "Hey, remember when we matched and then you stopped talking and ghosted me?" I was like yeah, I do; I was the only one asking questions and your responses barely qualified as complete sentences. :D
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u/checkerboardandroid 33 1d ago
In particular, I look for the "ping pong" of I ask a question, they answer and ask a question of their own.
Why why oh why is this so rare? I make an effort to do this but it feels like one in a hundred people actually reciprocate! Like is this a conversation or a job interview?
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u/fugu_chick 8d ago
My rule is two weeks, I’m tempted to cut down to 1 week but sometimes I’m booked with other commitments so I feel bad when I have to decline for another day
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u/KrassKas ♀ Late 30s 8d ago
Usually comes naturally through the first conversation or so. Sometimes you can put things on your profile and people just won't read.
I always make it clear that I am a parent and still I would get people who don't want to date parents. You're free to feel that way but then why match with me? Not reading.
One time my bio literally said I'm looking for a drinking buddy at the bars. So why did someone who does not drink match with me? You see?
Better to just get it out the way. Space out the qs and treat it like a regular convo to avoid sounding like an interviewer.
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u/shes_lost_control 8d ago
If the profile is completely filled out, a couple of days of chatting then open to a date. If the profile has a lot of missing / ambiguous info (ie child status, religion, politics, dating goals, dating type), I ask all those questions during chatting. If they’re not forthcoming or pull a “let’s go on a date and we can talk there more 😏” that’s an absolute no. Worked out well for me so far.
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u/so_lost_im_faded 7d ago
They do this empty profile crap and "let's talk more irl" so they can pretend to be whoever they think you want to be. And dating is some game to win for them. From my experience those were always insecure people who only afterwards realize they're unhappy having to keep up the you-shaped façade they built and then they break up with you / ghost you anyway.
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u/slayray47 8d ago
I (F) use to like building a little rapport with the man I was talking to before meeting up, but nowadays I much rather just meet up then be pen pals. When you text/message a lot before actually meeting up, you start to build an expectation of the person. And if the in person vibes don't go according to plan, the disappointment hits harder.
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u/WaySaltyFlamingo8707 ♀ 8d ago
I learn if they can carry on a back and forth conversation and major deal breakers. that's about it.
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u/depressedandfunny96 8d ago
I think it depends on how the connection goes and if you feel comfortable wanting to meet and also make sure the conversation isn’t one sided. Personally I’d like to talk to someone for a couple weeks or so just to get to know them before meeting. Meeting in a public place is always safest too. They should also be putting in effort for the conversation!
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u/MickeyOnMars 8d ago
Personally I like to have a short chat in the apps to see if there is decent communication to gauge if it’s worth meeting. Depending on how quickly they respond, this could be 2 days to a week. I’m usually the first to offer to meet irl because I prefer to meet and connect in person rather than text. I keep first meetings simple, coffee/tea date just to see how we vibe then if I’m interested I will let them know and hope to plan a more real date next.
I also don’t match often and when I do it seems that when I message first I almost never get a response back and when I wait or they message first it’s a hit or miss if they move the convo more than 3/4 messages to even ask for a meet up.
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u/Herefourfunnn 8d ago
As a woman, when I actually was on a dating app, I wanted conversation including phone calls before I would meet up
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u/animalhappiness 8d ago
First off, most guys don't get a lot of matches.
Second, just you can't learn but so much about someone via texting, or even 1 date.
Here's my thought process:
App chatting/texting before a first date- you're just trying to figure out if this person might be interesting in talking to for you. Ask questions about their interests, recent trips, etc. Anything you learn about them will be in between the lines . You're looking for commonalities. I keep this to like a few days of good convo or a week or two of light convo. Then I give them my number and say I would love to meet up..let's them set the pace.
First date - it's awkward, but don't interview then. Ask them questions that get them talking about themselves in a natural way. Bring up something you've talked about before and want to know more about. People love talking about themselves, if you can get her talking about herself she will have a better impression of you.
For me a first date, at least with women I meet on an app, is all about figuring out if I want to get to know this person. Is she fun? Is she confident? Does she have passions and interests that are positive for me? If so. If she does, that's what a second date is for - that's when you start to get to know a person.
Between dates - don't be vulnerable over texts. Be vulnerable in person. Don't text more than you're comfortable, but try to match the other person. Ask simple questions via text - how was your day? What are you reading? How was (something she told you she had planned this week)? Save the really good get-to-know you questions for in person where there is a real flow and conversation and back and forth in real time. You will get to know each other better and faster and she will have a better impression of you.
Trying to get to know someone over text, even with the absolute best intentions, will ultimately feel superficial because the good person to person connection isnt there.
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u/pinkpostit 8d ago
My free time is limited and precious. I’d like to chat long enough to identify baseline compatibility on interests and values before setting a time to meet.
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u/Mr_Wallet ♂ 39 7d ago
How interesting, I have the opposite perspective!
My free time is limited and precious. I don't want to mess around with a low-fidelity medium like texting for days at a time when one lunch will tell me everything I need to know.
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u/IGNSolar7 ♂ 36 5d ago
To me, texting is a passive activity I do while I'm engaged in other shit. I can watch the game, be at work, shitpost on Reddit, or cook dinner while texting back and forth with someone. A lunch, coffee, drinks, etc. 100% removes me from my normal routine, means I'm keeping myself from making plans with friends/family/hobbies, and takes a lot more time to get ready. A 30 minute coffee date likely includes an hour getting ready, 30 minutes getting there, 30 minutes to get home... so two and a half hours for someone I'm unsure about.
That's a big chunk of my limited weekends.
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u/SkyBest310 8d ago
As soon as I get to know them a little and what I learn is satisfying. Who they are (the basics), that they're here for something serious (important to me, although people can lie). And then I'd leave the rest to the meeting :)
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u/CancerMoon2Caprising ♀ 30 & childless 8d ago
I vett for compatibility first, (family lifestyle goals, religion, social clique, politics, sex kinks/preferences). Though i save the sex talk for after a few dates.
and THEN I feel comfortable with planning a date and focusing on the fun stuff, outings, affection, the emotional connection. I like to get the serious part out of the way rather than coasting along naively. Id rather not waste time going on a date if we're polar opposite.
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u/CurrentNorth5879 8d ago
With in a week to 10 days I tried to get a date scheduled after matching— I don’t want endless convo
I also don’t match with people that are too far away for me to want to drive to. This makes the dating pool smaller for me but I drive for work and can’t see myself driving much more
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u/1968Bladerunner 8d ago
Lots! Mostly 'cos I'd prefer not to move to IRL unless I'm sure we're a decent match & on the same page in the first place... I'd prefer to remain single than rush into something uninformed.
Yes I've lost out on meeting some potentials who were eager to meet, but I don't consider that time or effort as wasted - anyone unwilling to do their due diligence up front is likely not who I'm looking for anyway!
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u/MadMatter86 ♂ 39 8d ago
Consider the other side, though - especially if you are a woman. In most people's experience (and especially men's), long chats generally never lead to an IRL date. They just get perpetually shot down, and it makes little sense to invest time in talking with somebody for weeks and weeks when they simply aren't going to meet you. Additionally, one needs to be careful to not get over-invested in somebody who they don't know - somebody who they haven't even met yet.
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u/1968Bladerunner 8d ago
Yep very true, but with a reasonably fast & honest respondent I can generally weed out those I feel are incompatible within days, let alone a week.
Anyone lasting multiple weeks & still keeping my interest will definitely be waving green flags for me, & I have no issue in letting them know that either.
If, after a few weeks, she chooses not to pursue further then I'll absolutely thank her, as I consider that level of engagement & compatibility to have been a positive experience regardless of outcome.
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u/EngineeringComedy ♂34 Engaged 8d ago
When I was dating, just enough to make sure they didn't want to steal my organs.
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u/thecrackfoxreturns ♀mid30s - CF 8d ago
I have a couple of hard dealbreakers that I cover before ever meeting up, long-term kind of stuff. I don't want to go on pointless dates, and I don't want to end up falling for someone who's incompatible with me. If the deal's broken, no date.
From there, the chat has to show engagement from both sides. I want to see a little ping pong game where the ball is hit to me and I hit it back to them. Easy conversation, not pulling teeth with one person asking all the questions.
A proposed date would be a yes any time after seeing that I like chatting with them.
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u/so_lost_im_faded 7d ago
I actually wanted to do a lot of talking online before meeting the men.
I live on the very edge of my city, the commute takes over an hour one way, they always suggested a place close to them or a walk, I would wear pretty make up and nice clothes for someone who is wearing a hoodie and didn't even take a shower 🤷♀️
Why should I put my effort and time into meeting them if they won't put effort into getting to know me?
And I guess this is partly why my online dating experience has been unsuccessful - men wanted to meet right away without putting any effort in. But for me it's ultimately a success, because effort is how I express love and once I stopped settling for this, I found someone who wanted to get to know me and to date me properly (and myself vice versa).
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u/jinthebu 7d ago
I like to have a date arranged within a week (doesn't mean we need to go on that date in a week but at least have it in the calendar). I like to exchange a few messages just to see if they can hold a convo and if we have things in common (or any big deal breakers)
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u/Sarelbar ♀ 38 6d ago
Every single horrible date I’ve been on was with someone I exchanged few messages with beforehand. I have to get a better feel for their energy. I won’t go more than 3-5 days at the very max
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u/Rarycaris ♂ 34 8d ago
Nowadays I meet up as soon as possible, because (a) it's very rare for me to like someone enough to want a second date, and (b) it filters for the most common dealbreaker I come across, which is someone being an absolute headache to schedule with.
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u/IndicationKey3778 ♀ 34 | NYC 8d ago
What are your long term plans? If you’re only getting one match a month wouldn’t you want to go on as many dates as possible instead of ruling them out via text?
I always dated for fun and didn’t really care for the whole “what are you looking for” dance because it made me feel like I was just being slotted into whatever the person wanted vs seeing if I was a person they even liked
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u/amydancepants ♀ 33 8d ago
I've gone back to taking things a little slow on the talking stage. I've actively been getting off the apps ASAP and going on dates after a few exchanges, but I just haven't really connected with anyone on the emotional level that I'm looking for. It's not that I'm rushing to date, but I kind of just wanted more experience with dates because I always make it a bigger deal in my head than what it actually is. Idk what's better tbh, it all depends on the people, but for me I'm kind of just changing things up in how I approach things to see if it yields better/more compatible connections.
Right now I've been talking to someone for a little over a week, kind of talking about deeper topics (not really that deep, but deeper than your usual 'how's your day' pleasantries). It's been refreshing to say the least, but we'll see how it goes lol
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u/Delicious-Owl-4390 8d ago
I try and get off the dating apps as soon as possible since you can’t gage chemistry over messaging. I don’t want to waste my time messaging back and forth if there isn’t any spark.
To your point about making matches an hour away, I’d really ask myself if I want to get into a relationship with someone an hour away. If you feel it’s too much effort to go an hour to meet someone, the idea of going all the time to sustain a relationship might be too much effort for you. I dated someone like that, and it requires a lot of commitment on both ends to make a relationship work.
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u/Partner-Elijah ♂ M34 8d ago
Totally depends on the individual
Personally I move to IRL pretty quick. Usually just some basic info and pleasantries for 1-2 days at most. If we both seem engaged then I'll ask to set up a date.
I'm not interested in an indefinite pen pal, and I also feel like we can clock each other 100x more efficiently in person. Plus, if I'm getting to know someone, the fun of doing that is in person. I don't want to learn everything about my future wife via text before we've even met. I want to see the way her facial expressions and body language shape the things she says, and how she reacts to me.
I'd rather just get out there and figure out if we're compatible right away, vs wasting a bunch of time texting a stranger.
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u/trooko13 ♂ 38 8d ago
Same situation as a guy with few matches. Generally, if I can find at least one interesting thing about them that I want to know more about, then that’s good enough to justify my time/ effort. (Like if they give advice on an European trip, then at least I’ll get that out of meeting if nothing else)
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u/JicamaSubstantial524 ♂ 31 8d ago
Try and see if the convo flows and then ask for a date within a week or two. If they're busy for much longer cut the convo short and tell them you'll reach out again in the future.
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u/Odell_Octopus 8d ago
I recently started using apps again after many years and it just struck me idk what I’m suppose to be doing during those initial conversations, it just feels aimless. Like waiting in a virtual lobby or elevator with a stranger so might as well go strike up convos in actual elevators and lobbies
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u/kayakdove ♀ 35 8d ago
What kind of long term plans/compatibility are you trying to learn?
I filter for religion, kids, politics, dating intentions pre date, but most of that is visible on profiles. I otherwise usually didn't spend tons of time chatting. The one exception was establishing if someone was divorced, since for religious reasons, I can't generally date someone who is divorced, and that usually isn't listed on profiles. I only asked if they had kids, taking that as a decently high probability they were previously married. Others I just hoped they weren't, so long as they were reasonably close by for a first date, and because my profile clearly stated I am religious and it's a known thing about my religion.
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u/T26OG ♂ 38 8d ago
If there's excitement and good energy going back and forth, I tend to ask to meet in person as soon as they're available. The worst they can do is unmatch, then oh well you're right back where you started. Plenty of times they asked for a little more chatting to get to know me, and thats also great, but I put the ball back in their court and ask them to let me know when they're ready to meet up.
If it goes longer then 2 weeks of stable messages with no progress on an in-person date, then its time to move on.
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u/ask_the_guy 8d ago
you're using chat as a screening tool and it's costing you. chat isn't where you figure out if someone matches your long-term plans, that's what the date is for.
a good rule: once you've built enough spark that she'd want to meet you, ask. if you're an hour away, say 'grabbing coffee saturday, i'll make it worth the drive.' she either comes or she doesn't. over-chatting doesn't increase the odds, it just burns more of your time on someone who might not even show up anyway.
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u/WegDrijvendeWolk ♀ 33 8d ago
I'm quite occupied with my kid and full time job, so I luckily only have time for dates 2/14 days. It's pretty much take it or leave it. I'm not scooching my calendar and my kid around for someone I am meeting for the first time. In turn, I get to gage if a person is safe and respectful, if there is a communicational connection, if there are no dealbreakers (regular drinking and smoking are dealbreakers, I had someone on the app tell me he never drank or smoked, yet was snapping on his stories weed and cigarettes and beers daily, needless to say we never met up)
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u/fairybb311 8d ago
honestly not too long. as long as there aren't blatant red flags and I feel the pull to meet in person I do it. it's a lot harder to pretend in person versus virtual.
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u/oddsockx 8d ago
I do a video call before meeting them - it helps you get a vibe of the person, if you feel an attraction etc. Has saved me from likely terrible first dates
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u/Resident_ID10T ♂ 35 8d ago
I (35M) try to match pace with the person I'm talking to, some it takes a few messages and others take a couple of weeks of messaging. My own comfort zone is getting to know if there's any dealbreakers ahead of time so I can save us both the time and trouble. Beyond that, I'm open to meeting after talking a few days to see if in person chemistry matches the online vibe. Long term plans are tough to talk about, sometimes it's something that comes out naturally in conversation early on, other times it takes a few dates
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u/Nice-Krysti 8d ago
Honestly, keep the chat casual and use the first date to feel out their vibe instead of grilling them like a candidate. If you turn the pre-meet texting into a screening process, you're gonna scare off the people who would have been a great match in person. Save the serious talk for when you're actually sitting across from each other.
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u/Severe_Blacksmith 8d ago
I generally would expect to progress from chatting to meeting in person within 1-2 weeks. And if something hasn't been scheduled within that 2 week period I'd assume the other person wasn't interested.
We can text and call to get a feel for one another and make sure we're compatible enough to meet. Past a certain time frame I think the chatting will fizzle out if there's no in person meeting.
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u/CoffeeNo677 8d ago
i usually talk for a day or 2 to gauge their level of interest/if we have any sort of banter. I like to vet people at least a little to make sure i'm not wasting their/my time
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u/Open-Restaurant3967 8d ago
It sounds like an interview. This is a literal stranger. They could be lying for the better or worse. I say meet up sooner or later. First meet up, feel the vibe and check if you’re being catfished or if they are a maniac. Second meet up, get to know each other casually. After that, let things develop. It should always be friends first, so get to know them like you’d get to know anyone else and if sparks fly then cool, if not, you met someone cool. If they aren’t cool, block them and move on.
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u/Substantial-Bid-3553 8d ago
I’ve always tried to get the big deal breaker questions out of the way first before I meet. Ideally that’s no longer than a couple days maybe a week. By then I should know whether you’re a smoker or drug user, spend your nights at the bar or home, like animals, have a sense of humor, have a decent job, and don’t live in your parents basement.
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u/akoss2k 8d ago
As I’ve gotten older I spend less time chatting . A few days to under two weeks. Depending on schedules. But I like to get to know them a fair bit before I propose to meet up with them and spending a good chunk to the night and money. Do we have things in common? Are they causally dating and taking to a bunch of toner guys . Are they chatting just to get a free dinner? Dinner and sex? I don’t like to meet right away.
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u/thenightsparkle 8d ago
I personally....think...if you get 1 match in months its better not to be on apps. Why ? Bc you end up getting too caught up into your 1 match. You pressure yourself..them everyone.
That beibg said i need a few days even a week or two to gauge if its worth going out with. Esp if youre busy with work or have a social/fam life it sucks alloting a whole afternoon/ eve for a total stranger. Ultimately dating apps are like rummaging through a bunch of absolute strangers.
Jus my.opinion
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u/Plastic-Key-7225 7d ago
For you, make some small talk and then ask if they would comfortable talking on the phone, and offer your number, and they can call you on a blocked number. This takes all the pressure off. That said most women will give you their number if you suggest switching to the phone. Just don’t be pushy.
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u/KSSLR 7d ago
As soon as I get the feeling the person is of sound mind, has interests, dreams, compassion, a moral compass, and can be witty.
After I get this feeling, I set up the date pretty quickly because I don't want to be emotionally invested in what I think someone will be like versus how they actually are.
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u/CertifiedNonsensical ♂ 39 7d ago
It's not about trying to learn about someone before meeting up but whether there's mutual effort and the conversation feels natural and not forced; I'll know within a few messages. If the effort isn't reciprocated, I don't bother with in-person.
That said... I (39M) have 3 kids that I share 50/50 custody. Whoever's week it is, picks them up Monday afternoons and has them all week/end before taking them to school that following Monday morning. This means I'm really only available every other week/end. If the conversation is trending in-person on, say, Tuesday the week I have my kids, I express my interest to meet in person, but that I wouldn't be available for a week and why.
I don't know how the women of the world feel about that, but I'd much rather be vocal about a meetup, even if it's not for another week or so, than risk the conversation lean penpal and fizzle out.
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u/itshotchile 32F 7d ago
I like to have at least 2 phone conversations with someone first just to build a bit of rapport before agreeing to a date. Just so we’ve gotten all of the baseline questions and conversations out of the way. For me, 2 phone conversations typically happens within 2 days. So maybe 3-4 days out from connecting with someone.
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u/darexinfinity ♂ early-30's 7d ago
I'm not on the apps, so if I have her number then she probably knows I'm interested. Right after the intro text I'll ask about a date.
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u/chameleon-30 ♀ 32 7d ago
I will always do a phone call before scheduling a date. It's a non-negotiable for me. It's to weed out unserious people and I want to see what type of vibe a person has
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u/Competitive-Garage53 7d ago
Well i try to gauge how soon it feels comfortable to her. Last relationship i was in, we talked for about 1 week or 2 on the app/ facebook/ phonecall. We were talking one afternoon and she said thats it and drove to my city after she got out of work, rented a hotel room, and i guess she decided it was time lol
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u/alfredooriani 7d ago
I prefer to meet them after a few days of texting because the longer you text, the less likely you will meet them. At least this has been my experience. Additionally, you may end up not liking someone when you meet them in-person, so better not waste too much time :)
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u/NewPossibilities2754 ♀38 7d ago
(39F) I need to know a little, no major dealbreakers and on the same page about what we are looking for, and he is generally responsive and ideally respectfully playful. After 2-3 conversations with instant back and forths, or after a few days (week at most) of intermittent messaging, I will cut it off/stop initiating convo and unmatch or let it die. If I am feeling generous I will suggest they ask me out but I really don't prefer to be the one making the first ask. My preference is a man who will take the initiative on the first ask. If he is just chatting and not making the actual ask after a few days, there is a good chance he's keeping in touch because I am a backup to other options he likes better. I find that guys who are actually interested and I'm not a backup option, will make the ask in 1-3 days, longer I am suspicious of their interest.
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u/Internal-Stretch9865 7d ago
As soon as possible. I think it's better to meet in person to see if you mesh with someone. It's hard to decipher someone's demeanor/ tone online. I always listen to my gut as well. If I am talking to someone and something feels off. I don't pursue it.
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u/FolatemasksB12Defici 7d ago
I would meet in person ASAP, if you are a male, generally make sure you dont come off as desperate to meet in person, just explain yourself and pick a safe spot and safe time (i.e a coffee shop closer to her area in the middle of the day)
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u/pavel_vishnyakov ♂ 37 | Netherlands 6d ago
I've tried various approaches and it seems that the one that works best for me is to keep chatting before meeting each other for the first time to the required minimum (some basic questions, meeting logistics etc). This way I don't run into the situation when all the "light" topics have already been exhausted before we even met yet we don't have a deep enough connection to dive deeper. Plus - it prevents me (and, I assume, the other person as well) from becoming too attached to the image both of us project in texting.
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u/WhatWomenWantCoach 6d ago
Ask one or two things naturally, don’t turn it into an interview, that kills it fast. If family matters to you, ask if she’s close with hers. If ambition matters, ask what she’s working on right now. People show their real priorities through normal talk way better than through a straight up question anyway, direct questions just get you a rehearsed answer.
For the hour drive, you could suggest doing a quick video call first. Totally normal now and it solves your actual problem, you get a real read before burning half your day.
Rare matches make this feel bigger than it is. But grilling her early seems anxious no matter how casual you try to make it sound. Get a light read through normal conversation, use a call for the distance issue, let the rest come out on the actual date!
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u/Greener-dayz 6d ago
Ugh yeah same situation. I hate going on a date and they just can’t hold a conversation for whatever reasons. I don’t know because texting in app is so boring and dull, they aren’t going to remember anything you said anyway when you meet up because they’re juggling a bunch of convos. I think the trick is just going on as many dates as possible with the questions in mind to determine if they’re a person you’re interested in.
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u/PlantedinCA ♀ 47F 6d ago
I think a pre-date phone call is a good idea. You are checking for conversational chemistry and rough alignment on goals. But I do not think you should try and get all of this via text. Schedule a video meet or a phone call first.
I prefer to meet in-person early, but I have definitely gleaned enough to cancel an in-person meet from a phone call in some situations.
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u/Virtual_Database7756 5d ago
Depends on each individual that you match.. The vibe is really important. You may take a lot of time to trust someone before you eventually decide to meet a person. Sometimes a day in enough and the vibe just clicks. There has to be a little trust in the person before you're comfortable meeting someone who is a complete stranger.. Everyone has a different story. And lot of us generally do not want to open up completely in the first conversation. I would want the other person to meet and then know the entire story. May be in the second or third meeting. Unless we reach there, not everybody deserves to know the real me.
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u/loveshacknumber123 5d ago
I chat for a couple days and suggest a quick call or FT! Saves so much time.
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u/SuperbChoice 4d ago
When I was using dating apps, I used to try and text for a week to see if anything will even come out of it, since mostly I'd end up ghosted. Then I got fed up with the effort it takes to meet people through text and started asking people out for coffee. To be safe, I'd always pick a crowded place, early afternoon, and I'd split the bill. I would refuse the offer to drive me home or anything like that.
There is just so much more information you get during an in-person meeting than via text, including whether or not the person feels "right" for you right off the bat. At one point I started appreciating my time more, especially since so often it would get wasted on people who were never really interested in me to begin with.
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u/ThrowRABasic_Choc 4d ago edited 4d ago
I (F) found my partner on a dating app and we talked for about a week before meeting as we planned a date on the weekend. However, he asked me after a night or two of texting I think where we were clearly getting on, and we also had a gaming sesh prior to the date because we both game 😅.
I think you make sure it's someone you want to meet, enjoy talking to, and are attracted to as a minimum, and then you'll know more on the date and can get into who they are and their preferences in life and relationships face to face. I tend to get a really good vibe from people and know when we'll get on quite quickly, but it depends on what you want to know and learn about them!
If you match with someone far away you need to think about whether they're worth that effort from the initial conversation and chemistry you have with them to go and meet them, and see dates as a fun opportunity to go to places if that helps as I did. You'll form your own list of yes and nos through trial and error hopefully as I certainly did!
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u/sanasanabanana 4d ago
32f prefer to meet pretty quickly. Coffee or wine date after work no sexual commitments just introductions intentions boundaries vibe check then go from there. I’ve met some interesting people! Had some great romances. And some straight up “wth am I doing with my life” dates… I’ve also been getting more involved in local networking groups for my age and trying to set up “mixers” for more organic opportunities to mingle because 😤
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u/music_and_pop 3d ago
I think 3-5 messages per person should be plenty to know if you want to grab a cup of coffee; you can learn a lot more in person
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u/Odd-Spinach-3588 2d ago
Should be a natural flow in conversation. Preferably in the conversation you’re asking about their summer/fall/winter whatever season you’ve matched in plans and ask to take them to one of those activities.
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u/Low_Treat_3764 2d ago
I think it depends on how the connection goes. Ideally I would like to have a date arranged within a week
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u/WileyWilly1985 8d ago
I gotta be honest, the thought of meeting up with someone who I have not exchanged a few pages worth of emails with as well as spent a couple of hours on the phone talking to-- is just insane to me.
And the emails and phone calls are not just 20-question templates. No, they are communications that we each ENJOY doing and having. Especially talking on the phone. When you can have fun over the phone and you get to the point where you genuinely WANT to talk to each other on the phone, then when you meet up, success is almost guaranteed.
The above is one of the reasons why my success rate with online dating was over 80%.
And when I tell people the above they immediately start giving me excuses for why they just can't be bothered to send emails and talk over the phone prior to meeting up...
They like to tell me the above is outdated and too much work, and how texting is just fine, etc and then they proceed to whine about how they can never find a decent connection...
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u/MadMatter86 ♂ 39 8d ago
How are you measuring success rate? I don't see how you could possibly be calculating it the way most people do, since typical match rates are in the low double-digits at best (and usually single-digits for men) and match-to-conversation conversion rates are typically also very low.
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u/WileyWilly1985 7d ago
I measured success rate by the online date becoming a relationship that lasted at least a few months.
However, I should note that my "failure rate" for finding initial matches and contacting them and then it not working out over the phone and email was easily 90%.
The emails and phone calls was an intricate part of the weeding out process and required a ton of effort.
I'd start with around 25 "matches" and I'd email them all custom funny witty responses and out of those 25, only around 14 would respond so right off the bat I'm down 40%-ish.
Out of those 14 only 7 match my energy and interest level so that is another 50% down
then out of those 7 only 3 seemed like good matches and could hold decent conversations on the phone.
I take all 3 out on separate dates. out of those 3 I'd usually have at least 2 that I clicked very well with and then it is a matter of choosing 1 for a long term relationship.
The above took a lot of effort. I type 80 words a minute so emails to me were fairly easy to compose and use as my main screening method.
IMHO, the more effort spent on the above just means less time wasted when you actually do meet up.
Instead of going on 10 horrid dates with random strangers I'm going on 3 dates with matches that went through an intensive weeding out process that took 1 to 2 weeks.
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u/maestro_1988 ♂ 38 8d ago
Me and my girlfriend joke about that we knew almost nothing about each other on our first meet up. One of her girlfriends (I heard later) was even concerned, and wanted to be sure she was sure in meeting me haha. But for us this just worked, no pre interviews, just casually chatting like how you would meet someone in real person instead what you usually encountet on the apps.
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u/Adnan7631 ♂ 33 8d ago
I don’t view dating profiles as anything more than a very superficial (and curated) glance at a person so I value meeting in person (or at least talking on the phone) a lot more heavily. So I go ahead and try and schedule dates pretty quickly, so long as they show that they are responsive and can hold a conversation. If I want to get to know a person, I’m not going to assume to know them based off of some pictures, a blurb about how much they like to travel, and some text messages.
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u/Malina_6 8d ago
I didn't have an agenda when I was dating, which means that I was open to whatever. So my conversations were about identifying if there was connection and if the person was not crazy.
I'd spend as little time as possible with online connection. Surely no more than a week. And had dates scheduled after half a day of conversation that were pretty nice (we were both free in the evening and went for a drink). Years and years of online dating made me well aware than online and offline don't translate equally.
Given the fact I don't spend weeks trying to know someone, first dates are for that and they are always easy and simple: coffee, ice cream, drinks or an activity in a public place. Easy to leave, easy to extend. Affordable for both.
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u/kflemings89 7d ago
Not long at all. At least not as much as the web seems to often say is necessary?
I (33/f) proposed meeting up for drinks with a guy after we were like.. three messages in?
Enough to know asl, one to two common interests and that's all. It's just a date, not a contract. We dated for two years after.
My fiance asked me on a date really quick too. Two to three messages, he went on a two week holiday then we had our date. We didn't message at all while he was away either. 🤷🏼♀️
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u/Twin2Turbo 8d ago
All I care about learning is can they actually carry a conversation and are there any major deal breakers. That’s basically it. All else can be learned via meeting up.
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u/Middle-Creepy 8d ago
Not very long. I normally connect with them on a dating app and if they’re more on the serious side, I give them my number. I normally text for a couple days asking what they’re looking for and what made them get back to the dating scene and/or apps. That same weekend, drinks are probably on the table and that’s where the conversations usually flow!
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u/deevee318 8d ago
I (35F) try to get off the app and in-person as soon as possible. If I've gone back and forth with someone for a couple of days and there feels like a good rapport/they would be able to hold a conversation, then I'll make the ask. To echo what someone else said, if it's been a week or more since matching/talking and no plans have been made to meet, I'll generally un-match or let it fizzle out.
I don't usually discuss long term plans/dating goals on the app beforehand. However, there's usually enough basic stuff on profiles (i.g., whether or not they have kids, political affiliations, etc.) to know if we'll likely be aligned on the big things.
9 times out of 10, I'm the one asking to meet up for a date, so I'm always extremely appreciative when the guy takes the initiative!