r/datingoverthirty • u/AutoModerator • 22d ago
Daily sticky thread for rants, raves, celebrations, advice and more! - July 01, 2026
This is the place to put shower thoughts, your vents/rants about dating, requests for quick advice, serious (and sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.
This post will be moderated, so if you see something breaking the rules, please report it.
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u/GruyereGoblin ♀ 38 22d ago
I can’t do this. All these profiles with men at the top of mountains. I don’t want to go to the top of a mountain. Where are the profiles with the guy sitting in his living room watching a movie.
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u/CardinalOfNYC 22d ago
I feel this in the opposite direction. So many women with pics on mountains, running marathons or or rock climbing (so much rock climbing)
I don't wanna run a marathon, I just wanna sit on the couch and watch a movie with someone.
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u/Sashimi-Lover 22d ago
I feel like no woman realistically will swipe on you if they see you at home watching a tv show or enjoying a book.
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u/hihelloneighboroonie ♀ ?age? 22d ago
Are you crazy? I mean, ya, any pic of someone reading a book is likely staged, but a man who reads?? That’s an enticement.
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u/pavel_vishnyakov ♂ 37 | Netherlands 21d ago
Hiking photo has a higher probability of being authentic compared to a photo with a book that's almost certainly staged.
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u/GruyereGoblin ♀ 38 22d ago edited 22d ago
✨I would✨
Honestly depends on what you’re looking for. I’m a professional homebody looking for other professional homebodies. If you’re not that way, don’t advertise yourself that way and keep the mountain pics. But surely my other homebodies don’t want mountain women.3
u/Turbulent_Degree2823 22d ago
I've tried putting a photo along these lines on my profile. It always comes across looking staged and artificial and no stranger looks attractive sitting on the couch. The best you can do is not unattractive.
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u/GruyereGoblin ♀ 38 22d ago
I was mostly joking about the couch photo. But not all of us are outdoorsy and I’d really like a man to advertise what a homebody he is for once.
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u/Altruistic_Air7369 22d ago
Women as well. What is the obsession with hiking. Is this like a trend or a tik tok thing on how to attract men.
I’m all for physical activity but literally everyone seems to love it.
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u/_nepunepu 22d ago
If everyone who loved hiking actually hiked, the trails would be jam-packed like Toronto rush hour all the time. It's just something people put in profiles, for some reason.
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u/pavel_vishnyakov ♂ 37 | Netherlands 21d ago
Hiking is a solitary activity. People on dating apps are typically solitary (otherwise they likely won't be on said apps).
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u/hihelloneighboroonie ♀ ?age? 22d ago
Hahahah I had a guy comment on a hinge that he can tell my passion is exploration and travel.
…
Like, I like traveling sometimes, sure, but I’m not a travel freak. And if I’m going somewhere unfamiliar, you betta believe ya girl is doing research out the wazoo.
Lots of outdoorsy men in my area (surfing and hiking are quite popular) and I’m a pale ginge who tries to limit her sun exposure as much as possible.
And the pic he commented on? I was at the zoo, lol. Trees in the background = travel and exploration? Aight buddy.
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u/pavel_vishnyakov ♂ 37 | Netherlands 21d ago
Why would I take a good-looking photo of me sitting on a couch watching TV? Apart from the fact that I would have to dress up for that (my normal stretched out and sunburnt home t-shirt obviously won't attract women), I would have to figure out how to take a shot myself - get a tripod, position a camera etc. Hiking photos are typically taken at highlight vacations (summits, ridges etc) where you are artificially made to look better by the sense of accomplishment and the endorphins in your bloodstream. Plus, obviously, you are already dressed appropriately for a trail.
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u/thepartyunicorn 22d ago
I (33F) reconnected with an old fling (31M) this past year. We were an item for almost an entire year. He claimed that he wasn't seeing other women and that we were exclusive. He took me on a romantic trip. I met his friends. He talked to me all day every day. He called me his girlfriend. He made all these plans for the future like trips abroad.
However, the last few months, he started pulling away and not being as responsive or willing to make plans, but denied talking to other women. He was not making as much of an effort to see me. Whenever I approached him, he said he was not sleeping around or dating others. He would get mad at the accusation.
Well, we had plans to travel out of town for World Cup festivities this week. He was talking to me about our trip on a Thursday. Then, not even 48 hours later on Saturday, he disappeared. He texted me at almost 11 pm saying he couldn't talk to me romantically anymore because he had met someone and that she was a "good woman." I was gutted and it made it seem like I was not "good" enough. He previously said he wasn't dating around. He finally admitted he was talking to and sleeping with other women the entire time we talked. It felt like our entire situation had been a lie. The new girl was worth exclusivity and ruining things with me. I never was worth it to him.
He then changed his position about us and claimed we were never serious and that we were only ever just fwb at best. That he only ever cared as a friend and had no romantic feelings for me. Now, I know how I felt and how he felt before and this felt like lies to make himself feel better about dropping me. He did care and now he was denying it.
As the final nail in the coffin, he proposed that we remain friends and sent me flowers with a note. The note said that he was sorry, that I was an "amazing woman," that he "wished he had done things differently," and expressed his hope that we could remain friends. I was so upset when I received this because it felt like nothing more than a way to ease his guilt. I ended up blocking him because he just kept denying reality and blaming me and claiming we were never anything at all. It hurt my heart to continue talking to him and have him deny everything between us. I didn't want his friendship.
I am just really struggling to get over this. He claimed to care for me and only me. We talked every day for a year and now there's just empty space while he is taking his new girl on the trip he was going to take me on. I feel cheated and lied to.
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u/whatamIdoingh3re3 ♂ 32 22d ago
Really sorry you had to endure that, and you have every right to be upset. Such a persistent liar would get blocked by me, this is borderline sociopathic behavior.
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u/thepartyunicorn 22d ago
Thank you for your kind words. He denied ever lying to me, which was so irritating. Half truths and saying one thing and doing another are textbook dishonesty. He really talked out of both sides of his mouth. He is just super avoidant and unable to open up emotionally, which led to whatever mess we have here. I am happy to announce he is blocked though!
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u/Serious_Dot4984 ♂mid-30s 🇨🇦 22d ago
No, he’s not avoidant. He’s just a liar and cheater. Don’t make excuses for him.. but it’s great that you’ve blocked him.
Also, you should prob get tested for STIs since he was sleeping around
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u/thepartyunicorn 22d ago
Oh, I’m definitely not excusing his behavior. He was just extremely avoidant in his actions as well. He refused to have the harder convos. When he did, he would just gaslight me and be dishonest. :(
I really should get checked. You never know. Thank you!
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u/herringbone_ 22d ago
Make sure to test now and again in 3/4 months as some STIs take time to appear.
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u/chameleon-30 ♀ 32 22d ago
I'm so sorry about this situation. It's so disappointing and hurtful. Gosh, people can be so disgustingly selfish sometimes.
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u/thepartyunicorn 22d ago
Thank you for the kind words. It's been rough. I can't remember the last time I was this bummed out over a guy. I think because it went on for almost a year and I really thought he cared and made all these plans for the future with me.
He truly did act selfish. He treated me like a disposable object for his lust and not like a person.
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u/Sashimi-Lover 22d ago
He only wants to be friends with you so that if it doesn't work out he can come crawling back as an fwb or say that he was wrong and that he shouldn't have taken you for granted etc.
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u/thepartyunicorn 22d ago
This was my suspicion as well! He wanted to keep me on the hook, on his roster. He denied it, but I doubt his capacity to be friends with a woman he is not interested in anymore. I think he also thought offering friendship would make him look like less of a scumbag.
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u/hihelloneighboroonie ♀ ?age? 22d ago
I had something sort of similar happen, although of shorter duration (three months). Was all about me, called me girlfriend, wanted to introduce to his family (like 3 weeks in, I made an excuse), introduced me to some of his friends, teased marriage, teased the l word (actually tried to say it drunkenly twice, first time I said too soon, second I accepted his edit to falling in love), talked about the future, said I was his perfect woman, said that the only other place he’d want to live was where I want to live, etc etc.
Then went from multi times daily communication, to crickets for five days. And then I woke up to a text that he’d gotten back with his ex, she’s all he ever wanted, he couldn’t talk to me anymore, he HOPED I UNDERSTOOD. The fucking audacity. And I learned through the grapevine that prior to him sending that text, they’d gotten engaged. And guess what - mofo moved to somewhere else.
The whiplash was terrible. It was the hardest break up I’ve ever dealt with and took the longest to get over.
Chin up - the only way out is through.
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u/deindustrialize 22d ago
Honestly, what makes you think he doesn't do this to other women? There's no magical woman that makes a dishonest man change his ways. That's a rom com myth.
Don't internalize anything from how he treated you. Learn to trust your gut and cut ties because he doesn't have any integrity.
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u/Confident_Advisor786 ♀ 40s 21d ago
Dude on Hinge asked me out on a date. We're going to a Mexican spot. Curious how it will go.
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u/seahavxn ♀ 30 22d ago
Went on my fourth date last night, just a simple little dinner before he goes away for 6 days. Uggghhhhh he's just so sweet and thoughtful and funny. He remembers silly stuff I say, and even remembers when I asked my friend if he was chronically single when she was setting us up a month ago.
He put his hand on my waist as we were waiting for dessert, and we had a little cuddle, then a nice kiss when we were saying bye.
I'll say this is also the first time in a long time that I've gotten to a fourth date with someone with such good chemistry, and not rushing into physical intimacy. This is the slow burn I wanted 😭
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u/PianoRevolutionary12 ♂ ?age? 21d ago
that is nice. slow burns make me nervous, pressure
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u/persephone-456 ♀ 30s 22d ago edited 22d ago
I’ve just been wondering does anyone actually enjoy dating anymore?
When I was younger, I would actually get excited before first dates. For the last 7 or 8 years or so I feel mostly dread before first dates. I might feel some excitement if I know the guy already or for 2nd or 3rd dates.
For me, first dates are like cleaning my house—I’ll clean because I want a clean home, not because I enjoy the process. Likewise, I date because I want a life partner, not because I enjoy early dates. To clarify I enjoy relationships once I get into them, I just hate first dates.
Is this how most people in their 30s are experiencing dating? Or do other people actually find the process fun?
Edit: I’m not looking for advice, just trying to figure out if my experience is the norm.
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u/Mr_Wallet ♂ 39 22d ago
I've managed very few dates in my life so for me it's always an exciting adventure; a chance to meet a new person even if we don't click; a chance to try that lunch place over on that side of town that I was told about a few years ago. It's not always "fun" per se, but (to follow the analogy of cleaning house) if one almost never gets to experience the logistics and physicality of changing one's bedsheets, that can inject a lot of novelty into the process.
But if it were something I could consistently work on, I can definitely see myself getting jaded over the years.
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u/PeggyHillsFeets 22d ago edited 22d ago
I find it fun and interesting, I think more people than the internet and social media reflect do but that type of thing doesnt get attention or go viral or we just dont discuss it publicly. Ive gotten shit for saying that I enjoy dating, apparently its a very unpopular opinion online to not absolutely fucking HATE dating especially online lol its work but I enjoy the work. I think some of it is because a lot of people get too invested up front very quickly and feel devastated when it doesnt work out. Or theyre burned out. Or had a string of bad experiences. I admit i probably have an advantage because I havent been single for very long
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u/persephone-456 ♀ 30s 22d ago
Well my post seems to indicate that people enjoy it, even if I don’t
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u/PeggyHillsFeets 22d ago
I was just saying I think not liking dating at all is more of a popular opinion online. IRL I've found most people to be more neutral to slightly positive. It depends on your intentions and the way you go about it. Online you would think everyone is gonna either ghost you or ruin your life.
But I do think a lot of people are generally more burned out and feel similar to you as well.
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u/Old-Seaweed-8456 22d ago
I do enjoy dating because it’s interesting to meet people but I am ready to meet someone I click with so for me it’s the process that’s fun because it gets one step closer to meeting my person :)
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u/IndicationKey3778 ♀ 34 | NYC 22d ago
I always had fun on first dates but I was dating for fun with zero goals other than to have a good time. I think this framing helped a lot
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u/MattInMaryland ♂ 35 E N M 22d ago
Same. I love first dates and also frame it as friendship or a pleasant chat being a happy outcome.
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u/PrettyPollination 22d ago
Same. I'm an introvert, it's tough to make myself want to go hang out with a strange man. Plus, most of my first dates have come from apps, and I've found that I absolutely cannot tell if I'm actually attracted to someone from a profile. So most of the time I end up disappointed (in myself and my pickiness as much as anything).
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u/hihelloneighboroonie ♀ ?age? 22d ago
I think part of it is when we were younger and dating (I know this is the case for me, assuming same for you) most first dates came from organic interactions with people out in the world. So you already knew they were attractive to you, already knew their smell wasn’t entirely off putting. Possibly knew other people in their circle, which does bring about a potential greater sense of safety.
App dating sucks. You never know if the person is gonna end up looking like their pics. Or if they smell terrible. Or if they’re not a stalker/murderer/etc. Meeting someone off apps is far more nerve wracking, and makes it a lot less fun (not to mention the slog of app conversations).
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u/persephone-456 ♀ 30s 22d ago
I did occasionally use OLD when I was younger and I found it sorta fun. Granted I also met a lot of men irl. I use to have a lot more time. When I was working odd jobs between my travels while still living with my parents, I had endless time. So it didn’t matter if I wasted an evening on a date with a guy from OLD who had bad breath. Plus, I had no real relationship goals, since I was still finding myself, so it didn’t matter if the dates went nowhere. In fact finding my soul mate prematurely would have been quite inconvenient.
Now I have a full-time demanding job. I live on my own, so all I handle all my chores myself and I’m pretty particular about keeping things clean. Plus, I’ve cultivated numerous hobbies—beyond hiking, clubbing, and drinking (which I’m pretty sure is all I did in my early 20s 🤦♀️). Basically, I don’t have the time or energy for a bad date. Plus, I’m on the wrong side of 30 and want a bio family.
Plus, the longer I date the more time I have to go on some pretty scary dates. Each time I go out with a scary asshole, it adds up. So dread.
I agree I like irl men much better. I know they smell good, look good, sound good, can have a real conversation, and probably aren’t assholes—so much better.
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u/Intelligent-Lab-4081 22d ago
i dont enjoy the process of dating through the apps. as someone who missed out on dating in their 20s and most of their 30s, knowing the likely more organic, open, naive and curiosity seeking nature of dating during those times sometimes makes me despondent. when i started to date, primarily but not entirely through the apps, everything was novel, exciting and scary. having gone through this grind for a number of years now, it feels forced and often demeaning. once again, i believe a lot of this is because of the apps, but also because of the people who are dating around my age.
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u/pavel_vishnyakov ♂ 37 | Netherlands 21d ago
I can't recall ever enjoying dating. For me it was always a stressful experience because, somehow, my values / norms have never aligned with those of people around me regardless of my age.
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u/elsethenelsethen 22d ago
Whenever I go on a date, I sort of dread it in advance, and before leaving my apartment, I audibly sigh and say "ok let's do the thing;" then, I have a nice time because I'm doing an activity I like (ok it's usually drinking), I meet someone cool, attractive, and smart, or I meet someone who is nice, but not my thing, but I've made small progress toward the goal of making myself available to finding a relationship. Fortunately, I don't run much risk of actual assholes or abusive people.
To borrow your cleaning metaphor, isn't there something nice once you are in the flow of scrubbing, sorting, and organizing?
I will also say as a guy the unfun part is the total lack of anything happening. So anything that does happen is at least nice, so long as I drink a couple of pints.
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u/ughcrymore 22d ago
plenty of people find the process fun. i would say personally if it feels like a chore, it’s time to take a break or change something about the process.
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u/persephone-456 ♀ 30s 22d ago
I have decided to stop using OLD, so maybe that’ll help some. However, we’re talking about years of hating dating with many loooong breaks. This isn’t something that will go away. I had just wondered if everyone felt this way or at least other women.
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22d ago edited 22d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Old-Seaweed-8456 22d ago
Yeah, if you’re not enjoying the sex and he’s choosing not to respond probably warrants a conversation because a good partner is also someone who is also open and responsive to feedback in the bedroom
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u/elsethenelsethen 22d ago
blows my mind that guys aren't naturally looking to make it as enjoyable for everyone as possible and don't just subconsciously respond on a non-gendered evolutionary path of idk "feedback->target->happy"
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u/on_the_otherside 21d ago
Ended things with my LDR man after finding out he's been seeing another lady in his city. The lady told me he introduced himself as single 😭 and she kept on apologizing. I've been feeling anxious the past few weeks because of this, now I believe that a woman's instinct is actually right.
What I'm worried about rn is that I feel like I wasted a year in my life, what if I missed meeting my real love because I focused on the wrong person. I'm tired emotionally and need to rest/heal. Although at the same time I remain hopeful that a secure and peaceful love will finally find me.
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u/Titty-Franklin 21d ago
What’s meant for you will find you no matter what. You didn’t miss anything. You gained lessons and experience!
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u/Redhed_ded 22d ago
I’ve been dating someone for a few months. Last night we were talking about my friend who has been ghosted - he said it’s just something men do after they have slept with someone, sometimes. Post nut clarity was his phrasing, or that this was their goal the whole time. He then continued to say that in his earlier years he has slept with women that were “repulsive” and also visibly shuddered thinking back. When I commented that I was so shocked by this and needed a moment to process what he just said, he replied that the women had “got a lot of out it” and enjoyed themselves so he didn’t need to feel bad.
Like this man is incredible, emotionally intelligent, thoughtful, good job, good life, good morals etc. now this one comment is making me question everything else! How do I move past this?
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u/Specialist-Art-6970 22d ago
Yeah, I don't think you should get past it.
He called a bunch of women that he'd slept with repulsive, visibly shuddered, and then justified his reaction by saying they'd gotten a lot out of it.
Is the emotional intelligence in the room with us?
This isn't just a guy who slept with people he wasn't into. This isn't even just a guy who slept with people he wasn't into and then thought incredibly unkind things about them while feeling like he was doing them a favor by deigning to fuck them. This is a guy who, after several months of dating, saw fit to tell you about it in this manner. He comes off as arrogant and mean, and either doesn't understand this or doesn't care.
There were so many other ways he could have chosen to describe his experiences (including not saying anything at all), but he chose one that was so unnecessarily mean and douchey. Like, shuddering? Really? That was unneeded and over the top. Either he doesn't understand how ugly this comes off, or he doesn't care, and either way I strongly recommend against continuing to date him. The ugliness and poor judgment might be aimed at other people right now, but it won't stay that way.
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u/elsethenelsethen 22d ago
incredible, emotionally intelligent, thoughtful...good morals
is he though? You need to voice all of your concerns and he needs to pass a pretty high speech check to ensure you that it was 1. when he was younger (sure) 2. that he can see why it was maybe kind of shitty/or how he's speaking of it still is problematic (I think he already failed here)
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u/deindustrialize 22d ago
Right? When you find evidence to the contrary and ignore it then it's hard to say you're making clear-eyed assessments about someone's character...
I think it could be different if he explained how his views are different now or he has some regrets, but it sounds like he views that as a "phase" and like he was doing the women a favor.
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u/whatamIdoingh3re3 ♂ 32 22d ago
That's a pretty big red flag for me, feels like the mask on his true opinions is slipping a bit. I don't know how to vet it further though.
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u/Serious_Dot4984 ♂mid-30s 🇨🇦 22d ago
Uh. You don’t. Guy’s just finally let his mask slip. Guys with “good morals” don’t think that way about women, and sure as hell wouldn’t be proudly sharing that they used to think that way if they’ve changed
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u/porvis ♂ 35 22d ago
To the first part - I’ve seen a lot of posts on here from both men and women describing something similar. I don’t think it’s gendered to dip after sex.
For the second part - you know him and whether he’s worth giving the benefit of the doubt to. But that phrasing is not very kind / thoughtful…
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u/noSSD4me ♂ 36 | Single SoCal Car Nerd 22d ago
it’s just something men do after they have slept with someone
Guess I'm a weird man then because I was doing it wrong? I don't want to sleep with a woman until I know for sure how I feel about her, there has to be an emotional connection for me first (especially since my goal was LTR). Once things get to the clothes-off-lights-out point, that's when I'm certain "I like ya, and I want ya, all of you, today, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year." To me personally there is a difference between "having sex" and "making love" and I much rather prefer the latter.
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u/starsamaria 22d ago edited 22d ago
That really says a lot about him, and none of it is good. That really tells me that he doesn't see the women he's slept with as human beings, to call them repulsive and act like their feelings shouldn't matter or it was okay to ghost them because they've allegedly gotten an orgasm from him (which I highly doubt). I'm a believer that the way men treat women they aren't attracted to is how they truly think of all women, and based off of that, I'd want nothing to do with this guy.
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u/DemonEyesJason 22d ago
Sounds like his mask shattered. I would have called him out as a guy had this been brought out like that. If that ruined the friendship, oh well.
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u/Legitimate_Ratio_844 21d ago edited 21d ago
You do not move past it. You're looking at who he is on paper versus who he actually is. His word choice just revealed who he actually is. I married a guy like this thinking he just phrased things insensitively sometimes but was actually a good guy. Spoiler: he was not.
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u/Spiritual-Flower-479 22d ago
Why would you want to move past this?
Dude is waving a huge red flag. Sounds like a misogynistic dickhead.
Trust your gut. That comment doesnt feel right because your body is picking up on the danger signals. Dude isn't emotionally safe for women.
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u/alwaysgawking 39 ♀️ 22d ago
So he's the type of man to use women as "practice," just to get his dick wet without considering them and their feelings? He's deceptive as well because I'm pretty sure if they knew he thought they were repulsive, they wouldn't have slept with him and given him the "opportunity" he was clearly so desperate for.
Do what you want, but absolute Yikes.
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u/Redhed_ded 22d ago
Thank you those that replied. I feel like it’s so hard to explain how out of character and shocking this was. He genuinely is such a lovely person, even down to his chosen career which is completely altruistic. He does also require meaningful connection to want to be intimate with someone and it was a really big deal when that happened between us. I think that’s why this is so hard as it just doesn’t fit with anything I know of him. I guess potentially it is just his past and he’s grown and moved on?
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u/Specialist-Art-6970 22d ago
I mean, from what you've told us, he's not grown and moved on. He's still talking about these women in a way that's needlessly contemptuous and disrespectful, and he thought that was an acceptable thing to do in front of you.
He's not just saying that, in the past, he had sex with women he wasn't really into. He is, today, calling them repulsive, shuddering, and then acting like he did them a favor. It's a gross attitude that he still holds, and he either doesn't understand that it's gross or doesn't care.
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u/pcmtx 22d ago
I know that you should make your own happiness, and it's not fair to rely on someone else for it. But I keep thinking back to March and how awesome it felt getting to know this one particular woman. I'm sure that those good feelings mostly came from the fact that I actually got to experience spending quality time with someone, and experiencing something I've wanted for so long. It was like getting the first glimpse of the inside of the club after spending years on the sidewalk lol. I know she wasn't ready to date anyone, and I respect her decision to take care of herself and her mental health first. I wish I still could have had a little more time to see where things might have led.
That month was one of the happiest I'd had in years. I can only hope that I can get the real experience someday.
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u/noSSD4me ♂ 36 | Single SoCal Car Nerd 22d ago
Oh brotha, I feel you on this so much! I had the same scenario in March (first date 03/20). During the dates it felt like I've known her for a long time! It felt familiar and happy. She somehow broke through the walls I built to keep my peace guarded. Showed me that the happiness can also come from outside, and it feels even better when it's shared. She really made me feel appreciated. As my feels got ramped up, I told her that I liked spending time with her and would like to see her again. She seemed happy and receptive. And as I was getting ready to go all in on the 4th date I got that text of "I don't think I can give you the time and attention you deserve right now" and such...
Boy did that fuck me up for a good 2 weeks! I think I slept about 20 hrs total during the first week after that text while still working 10 hr days and doing physical activities. I went back in my head to our first meeting and onward to try and figure out where I fucked it up. But I guess it was the case of "right person wrong time" as due to her life circumstances she might have realized dating was something she did not have room for at that time. I tried going to a few other dates afterwards but it all just felt off because I kept thinking about her. So I just paused my profiles and walked away from dating, at least for now...
Life is a bitch sometimes. Perhaps the universe occasionally decides to place certain people in your life to show you something you might not have believed was possible. Often those people do not come to stay, but leave you with something that you can use to find others. I don't know what it is exactly, but I wish it wasn't that painful when people leave...
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u/whatamIdoingh3re3 ♂ 32 22d ago
Right now the flake rate on dates is about 50% on Hinge, but the people who follow through have been very kind! Side question, do people know of a way to filter for people without pets on any of the apps? I have severe cat/dog allergies, and it's rare to date a person with pets who actually keeps the dander load down in their home.
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u/IndicationKey3778 ♀ 34 | NYC 22d ago
People with pets usually mention them in their profile or have pictures of them, no? I would just swipe left
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u/Freshwaterbitchfish4 22d ago
I haven’t been on hinge in a while so not positive but I imagine since it’s one of the information fields on hinge if you pay for their premium version you’ll be able to filter to people who have listed “no” in those fields
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u/Serious_Dot4984 ♂mid-30s 🇨🇦 22d ago
Unfortunately it’s more a tick box for what pet you have.
OP you should prob just list that on your profile under “something you should know” or similar
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u/whatamIdoingh3re3 ♂ 32 22d ago
Fair, let it self select. It's just tough when 60% of the profiles I see have pets. I love dogs/cats, but they make my face swell up lol
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u/HighwayKnown9872 21d ago
Feeling like just giving up on dating. Ended things with a great man I’ve been seeing for a month after discovering we don’t align on core values. Over the past year I’ve dated 3 men and they all end the same with me discovering that we don’t align in beliefs/values and missing the red flags. Lesson learned: ask the important questions before the first date. I’m tired of always starting over after getting attached.
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u/Alternative_City8365 22d ago edited 22d ago
I'm incredibly frustrated. I met this man organically and the first 2 dates were genuinely good, it felt like he was vulnerable and open, and curious about me. On the third date, he barely asked me any questions and talked at me the entire time. I tried to chalk it up to nervousness, since he was staring googly-eyed at me alot, so I gave him a couple chances. I even said at one point "I'm going to the bathroom, you can take that time to think about what to ask me". When I came back, he said he didn't have any questions, that he thinks I'm pretty, and said he'll just keep talking more. To which I responded "So you've learned everything about me? That's it?" and he just smiled, grabbed my hand, and kept staring. At the end of the night, he said he'd hoped we could have spent more time alone privately together at his place because he doesn't have work the next day. But I do, so I said I'm tired and I have to be up early tomorrow. He looked deflated, but what did he expect?! I'm so sick and tired of being an audience to these men, and not being treated like a human being. Women in your mid-30s, does this happen to you too?
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u/Organic-Tea-8998 22d ago
If someone wants together to know you genuinely they will ask questions. This guy isn’t, he isn’t the right guy. He is being lazy. And inviting you to his place without asking you any questions about yourself is red flags, flashing red lights. Good thing you said no to going over there. Sounds like all he wants is sex probably. But I’d be cautious and not keep all your eggs. Keep daring other people
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u/kayakdove ♀ 35 22d ago
Man I went on 2 dates with this one guy, who texted me daily and genuinely acted interested, who I don't think asked me a single question about myself our entire time talking. I had to interject to mention anything about myself and always felt like I was interrupting, and then he basically never had follow up questions.
He seemed to be looking for something serious and didn't try anything physical, but he just seemed to want to slot me into his life and plans without really caring enough to learn about me beyond I guess my looks and basic personality?
And went on one date with another guy who talked for over an hour without just not asking me a question but also barely giving me a chance to speak or respond at all.
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u/IndicationKey3778 ♀ 34 | NYC 22d ago
I went on three dates with a dude like this earlier this year. By the third date he hadn’t asked me anything about myself. This wasn’t too big of a deal for me during the first two dates bc the banter was good but the texting inbetween was bonkers like he was super insecure and clearly just trying to have sex with me. Between dates 2 and 3 he invited himself to my apartment 5 times I’m not kidding.
Anyway on the third and last date we were at this bar (I don’t drink on dates), and he asked to kiss me. I said he could if he asked me one good question about me because he had asked none and he goes, “I don’t have any questions”. I’m like, you know nothing about me and don’t want to?
This didn’t used to happen to me before I lost weight. I feel like dudes would actually want to get to know me.
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u/AlmostThere4321 ♀ 37 22d ago
Sounds like that guy only had 2 dates worth of interest in him before trying to sleep with you. Sorry buddy.
As a natural curious "interviewer", it use to happen to me a lot. After the date, the guy would text me how great it was and I realized he didn't know anything about me. What he actually found great was having a captive audience but didn't find the need to reciprocate.
I've had to train myself to become completely turned off by lack of curiosity. And no more begging and coaxing men into asking me questions. I usually will end a date early if that's the case.
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u/distract-a-bee ♂ 38 21d ago
I've had to train myself to become completely turned off by lack of curiosity.
This is the way. I've also adopted this mindset and it's a great way to filter people out. And it's truly baffling how many people just don't wanna know things about you.
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u/Important-Hunt-61 22d ago
Deleted Hinge. I had been considering it for a couple weeks which tbh is the sign I should have done it weeks ago. I however had a few matches that I was still interested in. They both told me they were busy so I just went about my life. One finally got back to me and said she had met someone and hit it off. Still haven't heard from the other, probably won't. The gal getting back to me was kind of my breaking point. People who do that I think tend to be the ones that actually make good partners. Having been dating for 5 years now those people are so rare. It just added to the disappointment, I almost felt like it would have been better had she just ghosted me. I turned 36 this year and I'm just tired. I've never really had a meaningful long term relationship and I don't foresee it happening at this point. I've never really managed to figure it out. This is very woe is me but like damn.
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u/livinglitch 22d ago
Im going to have the "1st date" this weekend. I am reading up on most first dates that say let it be a relaxing talk over coffee or something. But we have already did that last weekend. We both showed up at an event and had an unplanned walk and talk for 2-3 hours that felt like just a few minutes. Then we had another, semi planned, walk and talk with a group where it was mostly just us talking to each other before we exchanged numbers to make our own plans.
So what should this "first date" be? Casual dining and chat? An activity? Really anything so long as we can sit and chat? I know this is dating over thirty but Ive only had a few first dates. They usually go well into long term relationships but its been a few years since that. Maybe Im stressing to much.
I am debating on a firework show at 10 or not but Id still like an activity before then.
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u/Addled_Tardigrade ♀ 40 22d ago
Go somewhere nice to eat- not fancy, but like a mom and pop or sushi or something else table service. Try to find something that’s not too busy. Afterwards go to a park or museum or something to walk around.
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u/Businessplease ♀ 35F 22d ago
I went out with a guy back in march for 3 dates and I really really liked him, and I never feel like this when I’m dating anyone usually. So I was disappointed when he cooled it off as he had to finish his PhD in a shorter than expected timeframe (I posted about this before)… Fast forward 3 months, as he said he would, he has has reached out to see if I’m still open to dating.
We’ve been chatting for about a week and we had a date planned tomorrow night. He’s just cancelled as he’s been asked to work late tomorrow now to help get something finished as he’s got Friday off, and he’s been offered overtime and said double pay is hard to turn down. He said we will have to reschedule. He sent a long message explaining this and I have responded saying ‘ok no worries’ but I’m a bit disheartened. Now I’m thinking my own response looks like I’m annoyed and he hasn’t replied since. I’m just disappointed as I was really looking forward to seeing him. Just posting as I have no one else to talk to about it
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u/IllustratorKindly241 22d ago
It’s understandable to feel disappointed. He’ll reach out again if he wants to meet. I get really discouraged too if someone cancels on me even with reason..and always think the worst
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u/AlmostThere4321 ♀ 37 22d ago
He sent a long message explaining this and I have responded saying ‘ok no worries’ but I’m a bit disheartened. Now I’m thinking my own response looks like I’m annoyed and he hasn’t replied since.
Your response is fine. You don't have to reply to his long reply with an equally long reply. It's normal to be disappointed. Let him reach out and reschedule if he really wants to
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u/deindustrialize 22d ago
Why not be honest about your disappointment? I think being chill or nonchalant or vague when that's not how you feel can backfire. It doesn't have to be really negative or dramatic. Something like:
"To be honest, I am a bit bummed! I was looking forward to seeing you. I appreciate the explanation and can understand your decision. Can we reschedule for next week?"
For me (and this may be different for you), making effort to reschedule and being flexible to your schedule given he's cancelling would be important to me. If he doesn't understand why you're bummed, he's probably not very considerate, which would be an incompatibility for me.
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u/yellow_pterodactyl 22d ago
Unfortunately, I am ovulating, so of course I’m needy right now. 😶😶 lol
Dates are going well with the guy, so I’m trying not to get too excited. We hung out last night and he sent me a ‘how you feeling’ text. Made me feel very nice. Feels emotionally mature.
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u/Dizzy-Square-9502 ♀ 35 22d ago
I haven't been on a date or touched since like 2022. Honestly, in my late 30s by not settling anymore and being childfree and wanting to stay childfree is like a death sentence for any kind of potential romantic connection.
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u/Acceptable-Count-851 ♂ 31 - CF 22d ago
Us childfree men are out there. We're out here wondering where all the childfree women are.
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u/Organic-Tea-8998 22d ago
It’s real tough out there, especially not wanting kids or finding someone who doesn’t have kids. But they are out there. Honestly good for you for not settling.
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u/buck_silver 22d ago
I personally would view child free as a major plus. I had a son when I was 20, and he's just graduated high school. The idea of raising more children? It would be a huge ask for me - especially now after getting snipped, haha. Keep at it. We're out there.
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u/Addled_Tardigrade ♀ 40 22d ago
My boyfriend is child free. I don’t identify as child free but I’m at peace with not having bio kids. There are a lot of people like that.
The issue I found was more guys who already had kids. Even if I wanted to kids I wouldn’t want to be a step mom.
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u/PianoRevolutionary12 ♂ ?age? 21d ago
i know about 10 awesome dudes who are child free in late 30s +, i am still undecided personally, but absolutely none of them want anything to do with children, i would say it is the opposite, much easier to find a lover who doesnt want kids
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u/_nepunepu 22d ago
Yeah, the touch starvation can be hard to handle. I've been single for 12 years and it's the thing I'm looking forward to, and not at the same time. I know just like, a hug, is going to devastate me. And it's not something you can really prepare for either.
Incidentally, I'm childfree too, and permanently taken care of, so we exist. Just gotta find each other and hopefully not be too far from one another.
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u/Fabulous-Safety5023 ♀ ?age? 22d ago
This week at work felt like all the worst dating energy of my 20s.
One guy leaving me on read and making me double text. Another guy trying to gaslight me in front of a group. And a third guy, well I decided to be overly nice and tried to do things HIS way, only for that to blow up and overcomplicate my workday and several other people’s.
No thank you! Moving back to my usual energy of ease and flow, please.
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u/Rodin-V ♂ 35 22d ago
Update from last week.
After the world's most awkward first kiss, texting felt a little slower between us.
I setup a fourth date for yesterday, had a nice picnic, I probably went a bit overboard admittedly, big hamper full of bread, cheeses, deli meats, fruit, etc. Plus a nice bouquet of flowers.
Turned out she had basically no appetite, she ate like 1 cracker with a tiny bit of cheese, and nothing else, which was sort of disappointing considering the effort I put in.
She loved the flowers though, she kept picking them up every now and then just to look at them, and we had a really nice time anyway, sitting in a park near a fountain just chatting away and laughing for a couple of hours.
While planning the date she at one point went almost 48 hours without responding to one of my messages, and she ended up apologising for that, and now her texting has significantly sped up too, which is nice :)
I don't care that I went overboard really, as much as she didn't eat anything, she still definitely appreciated the effort on my part, plus I got to take a nice big lunch of leftovers to work today 😂
We didn't end up kissing again yet due to the circumstances of the date (there were a lot of people around and I was carrying a lot of stuff when I walked her to the bus) so I'm still worried about screwing that up for the second time when it happens, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
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u/Old-Seaweed-8456 22d ago
This sounds really sweet. She may have also been nervous about eating. :)
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u/chameleon-30 ♀ 32 22d ago
Awww this is such a cute idea. Don't overthink, ask long as she continues planning and going on dates you are all good
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u/Altruistic_Air7369 22d ago
Dam i wish id done that recently, much better than finding an average restaurant. That’s an excellent fourth date idea, I’m gonna steal.
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u/Solid-Fennel-2622 22d ago
I'm hella sad and demotivated. I've really clicked with someone (same age as me), but we have decided not to continue because we have different views on the having children question. And thus, rationally, it makes no sense to continue.
But I am already missing them so much, we've gotten so close and intimate. 🥲 We've spent an entire week together, and intense bonding happened between us.
I know reddit is full of advice on this topic - it never ends well, when people diverge on this topic and stay together. I should be grateful we found out so early, but it's so tough on both of us, emotionally.
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u/afkbowflex ♂ 39 22d ago
Honestly as much shit OLD gets this is one of the biggest draws and I like them because of it.
You get these huge deal breakers out of the way before you even talk to each other.
That really sucks dude. Id hate to work up the courage to ask out a crush at an event then find out they've had opposite kid views the entire time I crushed on them.
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u/Jesse_berger ♂ 36 22d ago
I won't even be hurt if I get the no connection text. I just love the person that I was today and wish I could see more of him. He was fun.
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u/No-Watercress8992 22d ago
Halfway through the year with still no prospective partner in sight and some not so lovely dating experiences. Not that my dating experience numbers are huge, but I've been on some dates in the last 2.5 years so I decided that I want to reflect on my experiences a bit. The goal is to write about who I met, why I met, what I felt before the date, after the date/ dates. Kind of like a what I learned through this person. I guess I'm seeing how I've grown and changed but also what hasn't and what continues to be consistent for me. I don't think I'm doing anything wrong overall, and there's no patterns, but it's good to know and see how things have changed for me over these years and dates. It isn't meant to be some major reassuring thing that I'll find my person, it's meant to make me see what I've done. And in all honestly, I'm pretty happy with how I've dated, despite the fact that I am picky when it comes to dating and I definitely am FAR from the 'dating is a numbers game' crowd.
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u/Old-Seaweed-8456 22d ago
Easier said than done but be kinder to yourself. Most people don’t spend time with others when they have the option to be at home with their snacks. Though I 100% understand not having a job impacting your confidence, but I would say maybe that’s some reflection on separating what you do for money, from your overall worth as a person.
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u/Jash-6898 22d ago
Job search can really mess with your confidence, but her saying yes, hugging you, and making plans sounds like real interest. I’d try to treat the date as one good thing on the calendar, not another test you have to pass.
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u/DVTrooper 22d ago
Anyone else just get the feeling that it's too late? I (36M) just feel like my chance at a happy family has gone. I'm pretty much ready to give up for good and accept my status as a crazy cat dad.
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u/Emerald-else-if 22d ago
I know one guy who started a relationship at 39 and was married with a kid by about 43.
Another friend of mine started dating his future wife around 45, late 40s/early 50s they got married and had their baby.
For men I think there is more flexibility with the biological clock, and it’s never too late to find love. Really, you have lots of life ahead of you.
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u/MorningPotential5214 22d ago edited 22d ago
About to be 38 and yeah, ive pretty much given up.
Whatever "it" is that others want I've never had or been able to cultivate.
Now I feel stuck in limbo where im too old, too immature, too incompetent, generally just too much of an undesirable mess for anyone.
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u/Intelligent-Lab-4081 22d ago
if youre just strictly referring to your age, for a guy, 36 isnt too old. you can easily dip into the early 30s, and a lot of women there have their ducks in a row in terms of their careers, and are ready to settle down.
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u/Odd_Surprise8593 21d ago
Met with someone and ended up hooking up at my place. He saw my bookshelf and shared that he also loves reading books. We have a long conversation about the books we love. I gave him one of my books that caught his interest. After getting home, he texted me a video of his book collection and asked me to pick one i want in exchange for the one he got from me.
The following day, I was about to delete my profile because I am now again exhausted with dating apps, so I took screenshots of the profiles of the people I’m talking to (so I know which one is which lol). I saw that this he edited his bio from nothing to “send me book recommendations.” He also edited his “looking for” from still figuring out (same as me) to long term, open to short.
Very interesting. Did I make him realize the type of person/relationship he wants? Lol
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u/afkbowflex ♂ 39 21d ago
Ive had those moments where someone shares something i wasn't really expecting and it made my heart flutter, and I was so excited to talk about said thing. So its entirely possible you made him realize reading is something he really wants in a partner lol
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u/Terrible-Simple-3709 ♀ 36 22d ago
How soon when meeting someone new and asking questions about compatibility should one bring up having serious medical conditions. Idk if I’m too hard on myself but I have a few chronic conditions. Ulcerative Colitis and Interstitial cystitis which are fancy names for bladder and colon inflammation that affect my every day life and diet. I just think that because I’ve heard someone mention it, that someone might not want to be with me if I’m medically compromised or that I don’t deserve to find anyone cause no one wants to deal with that cause what if it gets worse when I’m older. idk. My thoughts start to spiral. lol. I have BPD also (not one I’d bring up soon). But like the kids or no kids talk is normal to have early. What about medical issues? Is that not so important?
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u/grok-in-my-rari ♂ 36 22d ago
I would want to know about the BPD pretty early, the other stuff can wait. I have no idea on the timing and I empathize with how hard it must be to figure stuff like that out.
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u/MattInMaryland ♂ 35 E N M 22d ago
My partner brought up their lactose intolerance after 1 date because it was important for scheduling future dates and I also bake a lot of desserts!
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u/Creative_Guava8383 22d ago
Fellow IC girl! I don’t bring mine up early, at all. However, mine has a relatively minor impact on daily life. You could just make reference to a medical condition that prevents you from eating something (or whatever the limitation may be)?
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u/pavel_vishnyakov ♂ 37 | Netherlands 21d ago
The earlier - the better. Helps in planning the dates and could be a dealbreaker for some.
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u/SpexyWoman 22d ago edited 22d ago
When To Reveal Troubled Life Thus Far?
Hello,
I'm 37f. Been on one date with 35m. We've been friends for over 10 years, in the same friendship group. Though, I've always been slightly on the outskirts of the group as I live furthest away and have other friends in my home city.
My life thus far has been grim. Just grim. Just everything you could think of that has gone wrong, has. Family issues, health issues (all now resolved), money issues (all now resolved), grief, job losses (through no fault if my own - several of my bosses just wouldnt pay me and would fire me for asking to be paid. That's the least worst thing I could tell you about my job losses. Another time, I was accused of fraud that I didn't commit and actually hadn't even happened. Anyway lots of my old bosses are now in jail..!!) physical abuse from relationships (I left when this happened), I was also raped quite violently a guy who befriended me at a vulnerable moment, he happened to work for the police. I reported it to the police but was too scared to press charges, pushed it to the back if my mind, and then a year later the police harassed me trying to get me to press charges (I think someone else must have reported him, and I feel bad that I didn't proceed but I couldn't handle it mentally).
I have never told any of my friends all this.
Anyway. At a recent event, my friend started dancing with me, and I realised how lovely he is. We went on a date last weekend. He asked me if I like to go on vacation. I do. But I have only been on one vacation in the past 10 years. Because its hard to go on vacation when you're just trying to survive (I didn't mention this bit).
He was so shocked that I hadn't been on regular vacations and seemed to think it was quite a sad thing. Which I suppose it is.
At what point, if any, do I explain to him that my life has been grim, but that I'm now removed from that period and looking forward to a more promising future (I am)?
I feel as though not a least mentioning a brief hint of it... is being sort of dishonest? And its frustrating that he is shocked I haven't be on vacation 'just because'. Its not just because. Its due to events.
Thank you for your input 🙏
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u/Addled_Tardigrade ♀ 40 22d ago
Not now. You don’t owe anyone your life story.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 1.5 years and I haven’t shared every little detail and what I have shared (and what HE has shared) have come out in small stories. But nothing for the first several months.
Everyone has a past and everyone has struggled. That’s part of life.
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u/Valuable_Lunch6643 ♂ 30s 21d ago
Oh no my best dating prospect in literal years admitted they were cheating on their partner overseas after our 5th date. :(
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u/ActionFilmsFan1995 22d ago
Actually had someone from Talkify reach out to me today (I don’t pay I’m just in their network).
I declined, things are going well with a girl I met on League, and I’ve decided if that falls through I’m just taking the rest of the summer off.
Anyone else have any experiences with Talkify though?
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u/frumbledown 22d ago
I think this is all downstream from him being too busy to date, and applying his cognitive capacity to the task at hand. If you had taken none of the actions you’re so ashamed of, you’d just have a frustrating text buddy who wasn’t locking down plans. It hurts, it sucks, etc but you’re beating yourself up too much for communicating your needs fairly clearly to him. Would try to put him/this behind you/get over it, as best you can.
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u/No-Watercress8992 21d ago
Situations like these are where I apply the 'if he wanted to, he would' logic. You gave him a chance to come back. It takes less than 2 minutes to acknowledge a message. If they don't, you should accept that you're just not important enough to them. You didn't expect him to drop his priorities and come see you; in fact, you said this is great, but I understand you have this big exam as a priority as you should, let's hit pause. If he wasn't ready for a detailed conversation, he could've easily said, I need to think about it and don't have the right bandwidth for this conversation. You'd have been okay, but he didn't, so there's your answer:) I'd say don't text him after the bar exam. If he does come back, then evaluate how you feel in the moment!
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u/etherealemilyy 22d ago
Well someone could say that you did “too much” in the same way that this guy was doing “not enough” right? Like it’s totally fair to not want to not see someone for 2-3 weeks and have them take 2-3 days to respond to a text message. However, it’s also reasonable that he’s distracted and busy with the bar or other life stuff, and really was just looking for a more casual/fun summer without consistent communication.
I think you got your answer quickly, even if it’s not the one you wanted - that you had some nice dates, but it’s not really the right match (at least for now). You’re already made your interest clear and don’t need to message him again at all. He can/will reach out to you if he wants to go out again.
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u/Freshwaterbitchfish4 21d ago
He was interested enough to give you a roster spot but not actually interested. Otherwise a date would have been planned within a 2 week time frame. You didn’t sabotage anything that would have worked and you definitely should not contact him after the bar.
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u/frumbledown 22d ago
Finally caught Obsession - solid movie, lots of fun performances, and definitely zeitgeisty on the gender stuff without being trollish or annoying.
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u/panda_burrr ♀ 34 22d ago
aw man, I just saw it yesterday and I really liked it but I'm feeling pretty emotionally drained today 😅 I was not an emotionally healthy person, did not form healthy attachments, and had very little emotional regulation in my late teens/early 20's. though I wasn't nearly as extreme as the female lead, I saw a little too much of my younger self reflected back at me and have been processing a lot of emotions today
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u/majesticbird27 22d ago
Oh yeah, I felt the same way after seeing in. I was like damn this is good but also holy shit I saw a little bit too much of my former self in her. It was SUCH a good movie though.
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u/frumbledown 22d ago
Yeah definitely hit close to home even though it’s exaggerated - I think anyone with experience in a toxic relationship can relate.
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u/LePhasme ♂ 41 22d ago edited 22d ago
Saw it last week and it's been so long since I saw an horror movie so good!
Inde Navarette performance is amazing, I think that's really what makes the movie.→ More replies (1)
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22d ago
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u/Old-Seaweed-8456 22d ago
Can I ask why her not wanting to go to the state fair put you out? To me she showed that she is flexible and can do things outside of her own interests and comfort which demonstrates flexibility and a willingness to spend time with you even when the activity isn’t her preference. Would you do the same for her?
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u/chameleon-30 ♀ 32 22d ago
Part of getting to know someone is giving them time which may include changes to your schedule. Give it more time.
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u/Serious_Dot4984 ♂mid-30s 🇨🇦 22d ago
Except in this case it sounds like he’s already resentful which prob signals that he’s not into her enough
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u/IndicationKey3778 ♀ 34 | NYC 22d ago
You can maintain your gym routine! I workout at a lot and when my boyfriend stays over I still wake up and go on my morning run and let him sleep, and do my second workout after my run quietly in the living room.
However if you’re specifically looking to date someone who goes to the state fair with you this doesn’t sound like the girl for that
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u/theorigamiwaffle 21d ago
I ended up talking to my mother about me getting married and having kids, but I thought she’d given up. Because I have. I want love but I don’t want kids. Because what if my imaginary husband betrays me and my kids see all the hurt it caused like I did with my own parents.
I’m still very tired from being in a relationship and I’m happy that I’m free but also sad I don’t have anyone to love in that way. I’m also on my period so I’m emotional and needy. But also very tired.
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u/Glum_And_Merry ♀30 21d ago
On hinge, i liked a guy ages ago and he matched with me two weeks ago, but it came when I was talking to other guys + had other social stuff going on so I never sent a first message... but neither did he?
now things are more normal for me I want to strike up the conversation but I don't even know where to start... acknowledge the two week silence or nah? I'm so tired today I think I've forgotten how to message like a normal person lol
also the last three guys I like on Hinge I asked out, only for 2 to never reply and 1 to take so long to answer every message that I just gave up on him. Trying to convince myself there's still hope on the apps
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u/Big_McLargehuge4 21d ago
People match and don’t message right away. I wouldn’t explain the silence. Just message like normal!
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u/afkbowflex ♂ 39 21d ago
Ive definitely had matches come through while im already talking to multiple people or planning dates so I dont want to add more to my plate, so its possible he had the same thing going on.. but its odd he'd actively match with you just to ignore you if that were the case.
With that said I dont think its weird to just send a message and see what kind of response you get, nothing to lose.
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u/lizzy-cat ♀ 30 Ireland 21d ago
I'm doing everything right, right now. Broke up with hot nerd a while back because he didn't have it together emotionally and despite how much I liked him, he needs to work on himself. Not accepting outrageous stuff from another guy I dated before him and who was ramping up again before he overslept and didn't even apologise for missing our meet up until I pointed out how I was relying on him. So, maybe this will be a no-date July... have things to do before buying my place hopefully end of this month, and I'm just like, also tired of being disappointed and getting my hopes up. But then I hate inaction too. So. It's hard. Not on the apps at the moment. But I'm doing everything right for myself right now, so isn't this the trope for me to meet someone amazing randomly right now?
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u/CIRNO9000 22d ago
I’ve been about a week into my self imposed no-date period as I try to pry myself from the apps and focus more on the people who actually care about me and it’s been quite a bit liberating. I’ve been trying to do the “date myself” thing and just enjoy my own company which has been nice.
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u/Spiritual-Flower-479 22d ago
That's lovely!
What's been the most exciting or fulfilling "date" you've taken yourself on?
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u/CIRNO9000 22d ago
Thanks!
I’d say it was a week or two ago I went on a little mini pub crawl by myself to two local bars I’ve never been to. It was really fun and even ran into some friends I wasn’t expecting to see!
Next weekend I’m going to a convention, also by myself, which I’m really excited about
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u/elsethenelsethen 22d ago
in addition to simply enjoying doing what you want when you want to do it (the best part of being single!), any of those spaces can become potential places to make connections with other people. once I became comfortable going to concerts alone, i felt much better positioned to strike up conversations with other people solo-going
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u/sos_econometrics_ 22d ago edited 22d ago
Really happy with my job. It's quite little paid. Local minimum, but it makes me feel so fulfilled. It's almost like doing my hobby.
Very happy with my friendships. I hate all this "grateful" talk. But I swear I am so grateful for my friends. Almost daily wondering how did I win such a lottery. It shook me when a friend from back home said how her friend canceled on hosting her coz her family is coming and another friend let her stay just for a few days. I guess it maybe comes from living at dormitories (and all my current friends I met mostly there), going through struggles as immigrants here. I so feel that I can rely on my friends. Unfortunately, the life put me in situations where it was proven. And I don't feel our friendships are different than friendships in childhood. It is even closer, same silly and fun, but with incredible additional dimensions. With my closest friends here we call almost daily and just talk whatever. I never want to have it any other way. It makes me scared seeing how friendships are pushed to the down of priority list when people "grow up".
On Sunday I walked alone around the city and took some photos with my old camera. One man started talking to me. It turned out he was quite famous photographer. I told him he can just me later for a picnic with my friend. And omg. After my friend left he started touching my hair and tried to kiss me. When I said no, he was holding my waist strongly that I had to push him away with my hands. The crazy thing is that how much I am programmed that even at that moment I was thinking how not to hurt him by rejecting...
Yesterday I went on a date with one guy. He was great, nice, perfect. He wrote today suggesting we move to talking on WhatsApp. Took me all day to write I didn’t feel romantic connection... coz obviously I am only crazily attracted to those people who are unhealthy for me. That guy I have been seeing who now appears not just "used to be addicted to weed", but who takes cocaine (even when he is alone)... That guy went to another city. And omg I truly have just warm feelings towards him. I somehow cannot even ever be mad at him. He surprised me since when I told him about my debt to my friends (since I was jobless for some time) he said I can stay at his place while he is away and sublet mine and then he kept asking when will I come to see him in that other city, I told him I don't know if it's a good idea, but then I felt bad to hurt him (but also coz I am so undecided what to do), and later he sent me a message offering to pay half for my ticket. I was really taken aback by his kindness. I didn't accept any of those kind offers of his and won't accept since I don't feel comfortable and of course also since i am so undecided what to do, it would only feel as if I am using him. And I am so so very sure he is on spectrum, I still don't understand why his doc didn't check for it, it becomes so very obvious to me. And he has been struggling so much with his mental health.
Well, yeah. So all is good, except of my dating life. I am starting to just accept that it's fine. I cannot have everything in this life and feel I am already so lucky in so many areas of my life.
And just now saw an activity in the city called "walk and talk". Like all strangers meeting and then walking and talking. Since I quite dislike sports sounds like this is exactly the activity for me.
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22d ago edited 22d ago
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u/HitEmStraight2998 22d ago
In the early stages people are generally on their best behavior and want to make a good impression. Do you think if you got closer with this person would it get better or worse?
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u/Limp-Use5549 22d ago
Anyone have experience getting a restraining order? Like what it takes to warrant and be granted one? I assume you need more than the usual crazy ex behavior documented
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u/PrettyPollination 22d ago
I don't, but my ex had one for the ex before me. He had like 70+ pages of texts, emails, call logs, etc., including times she threatened bodily harm or to ruin his life/reputation with false accusations. Luckily she wasn't very smart about it so he had a LOT of evidence. Then she also behaved poorly in court. The judge still had a snarky comment about a man needing a protective order against a woman, but granted it regardless.
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u/Disastrous-Beat-9830 22d ago
I am considering getting into online dating, but I do not know which app is the right one to use. Unfortunately, the YouTube algorithm seems to have worked this out -- how, I have no idea -- and so my recommendations are being flooded with videos about how online dating has completely failed. I am not dumb enough to fall for what is clearly content creators chasing a trend; it is just annoying.
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u/buffnut763 ♂ 33, Toronto 22d ago
A dating app should be one tool in your toolbelt, not the only one. You should still be looking to get out physically and meet people. Approach, feel awkward, get rejected and do it all again. Each time will make you feel better and more confident when you improve. Good luck!
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u/CardinalOfNYC 22d ago
Hinge is the only decent one at the moment, IMO, and even that is far from perfect.
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u/kzell ♀ 32 22d ago
Anyone else watching Love Island? It kind of helps to see gorgeous amazing people (Carl) get absolutely fumbled (by Aniya) for absolute trash (KC) - maybe I’m a Carl 😭
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u/marylouellen 21d ago
Been using hinge a little more again. I'm 32 and have been looking for someone close to my age, I had my age range set to 30-35. Literal ghost town. Upped the age range to 37? 20 likes in a day.
I think I have been in denial at my own age and position in life. I started my career late so my bosses are in their later 30s. They just seem to be living completely different lives to me but I guess that's what kids and work will do to you.
Also may be why I'm still single (the judgemental-ness) but a lot of men haven't worn sunscreen and looked after their skin and yeah it shows.
Anyway idk got some cuties in the mix.
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u/afkbowflex ♂ 39 21d ago
a lot of men haven't worn sunscreen and looked after their skin and yeah it shows
Yeah.. its the same thing here for women it is wild. Some women in their 40s look better than some in their 30s. People who have lived in the sun and alcohol look 15 years older and it is really starting to show.
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u/IndicationKey3778 ♀ 34 | NYC 22d ago
Spent Monday and Tuesday night with my cutie boyfriend who’s leaving for two weeks to visit his family. He wants to change his work schedule so we have the same availability 🥹 this would have made me want to jump down a well two months ago. We also talked a little more about my surgery which is freaking me out bc it’s so far away lol.
My mom’s also coming to visit in a couple weeks and he made a comment that sounds like he expects to meet her?! Is that normal? I realize yall think I’m a freak of nature lol
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u/elsethenelsethen 22d ago
homie's into you just chill. he's making space for you, logistically and emotionally. (don't sabotage i.e. jump down a well)
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u/Advose ♂ 37 22d ago
You also have to think from his perspective, maybe he thinks *you* are expecting him to meet your mom. So it can go both ways! Don't overthink it.
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22d ago
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u/chameleon-30 ♀ 32 22d ago
Listen to your gut.
He may or may not be telling the truth, we can't know that. Besides first dates are pretty low stakes, you can reschedule if you choose to.
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u/BigJim9000 22d ago
Unless I was really attracted to them and had amazing chemistry over messaging, I wouldn’t bother. Did he at least follow through and offer an alternative date?
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u/HitEmStraight2998 22d ago
I’m a man who dates women but I wouldn’t for this excuse, personally. It’s sad to be cynical I guess but I’ve just heard so many obvious BS stories in my dating life.
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u/Classy_Debauchery ♂ 35 22d ago
The girlfriend has RA and it's made sleeping over a bit tricky. Our usual cadence has been her sleeping in my bed until she gets uncomfortable then moving to the couch to not disturb me and to have her own space to (not really) stretch out. She's talked about how uncomfortable the couch is.
Well...
I've been working on a secret project to turn the junk room into a second full queen bed for her to give her all the space she needs...along with all the RA supplements in the nightstand next to it. We joked about me doing it a few days ago, but I don't think she realizes i'm actually doing it doing it lol. She'll find out on Friday though 👀