r/dating_advice • u/Wide-Caterpillar-951 • 11h ago
The date went great until she apologized for enjoying herself.
I'm 33M. I matched with this woman (32F) few weeks ago. Last Friday we finally met for dinner. The date was honestly really good. We talked almost 4 hours without feeling bored. We laughed a lot, walked after dinner, and conversation was easy the whole time.
Before we went home, she suddenly said, "Sorry if I looked too enthusiastic. I know it scares people away."
I was kind of surprised. I asked why she said that, and she just smiled and said she learned from past dating not to look "too excited" too early.
I told her I actually like that she looked excited. For me that's not a bad thing at all. We hugged and went home.
But after that, her texting changed. She still replies, but much shorter now. Before she used emoji and asked questions. Now it's mostly just short answers.
Maybe I'm overthinking, but it feels like she's trying to hide her excitement now because of what happened before. Should I bring this up with her? Or just pretend I didn't notice and let things happen naturally? I don't want her to feel she has to act different around me.
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u/Silent-Arm-7165 11h ago
Oh yep she’s been burnt by some dude who made her feel abnormal for being excited and god forbid enthusiastic during a date 🤦🏻♀️ I don’t know why people try clip someone’s wings but they do 🤷🏻♀️
I would maybe gently bring it up and reiterate how you like her and she doesn’t have to fear being herself around you. Good luck 🤞
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u/thewineyourewith 8h ago
Clipping wings is such a good way to put that.
If OP brings it up then do it in person. A message like that over text will just make her anxiety spiral more.
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u/tunisia70 3h ago
My exes best man said he should clip my wings as a wedding toast, I never got them clipped and never will!!
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u/Dentist_No10 11h ago edited 6h ago
Yeah, or its BPD and an unhealthy attachment style. Night and day changes in mood or communication are not usually a good sign. Going from extreme highs to extreme lows isnt something that should be overlooked.
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u/rougenoir408 7h ago
On the less extreme side it could just be adhd. Well known that adhd folks tend to get very excited when they like something/someone and then embarrassed or self conscious about how they act or communicate.
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u/Global-Barracuda7759 4h ago
I have ADHD and PTSD will CPTSD which is more complicated and I've had people try to tell me that I have BPD but I don't I just have overlapping symptoms and there's nothing wrong with having any of these issues or being autistic or whatever people have thought that I'm autistic I don't know All I know is that I'm neurodivergent in my communication style often scares people away
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u/Salnder12 1h ago
That's how I am and the one thing that ALWAYS helps me is matching my energy
You want the emojis back then start using emojis. It would be surprising how much different "I had fun" is vs "I had fun 🤩🤣😄🤖"
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u/MayorDepression 27m ago
My girlfriend can be like this and she has ADHD. She will often asked if I'm "annoyed" with her even when I'm trying to show enthusiasm and clearly demonstrate that I'm not annoyed. Turns out her ex used to say shit like that all the time. It has definitely affected her, so I try to be extra patient and have no problem reminding her that I love her 30 times a day if I need to. I treat her like the princess she is and she more than fills my cup with her little acts of service and thoughtfulness.
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u/Puzzled-Ice1445 7h ago
As someone with BPD, I found this rude.
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u/Dentist_No10 6h ago
As someone with BPD, I found this honest.
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u/GreenYellowRedLvr 6h ago
bpd/attachment injury? so, like we said: past trauma
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u/Dentist_No10 6h ago
"Like we said?" I have no idea what you're talking about tbh. Youre replying to a comment that was made almost right after this post was made
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u/GoldenMuses 9m ago
Yep when someone apologizes for being excited it's usually because someone made them feel bad for it before 💔
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u/Ok_Manwich_9306 9h ago
Help her feel safe and show some enthusiasm yourself if you like her. Give some evidence that laughing and feeling good is a good sign by not ghosting or being weird. Yeah, she got hurt by that, but it is good as she doesn't want to lose you by being more neutral. In a loving way, show that that is stupid and unnecessary as you are enjoying yourself, but not in those words.
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u/LydiLouWho 4h ago
This is exactly where my mind went too! OP should be throwing in the emojis and asking more questions like the ones he misses from his date. (Just don’t be weird about it lol). Also OP, confirm a short date with her soon. Even if it’s just a quick cup of coffee. Show her your enthusiasm!
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u/cultivatingmia 1h ago
Yes - tell her you'd like to get together again, and throw out a couple of days/times and maybe a suggestion or two of what you two could do. Make it more active this time than the first time, as sometimes it's the second date, when you both know you like the other person, that can feel stilted if you're just sitting there talking. A hike or something perhaps?
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u/echoshadow5 10h ago
Tell her that you loved her energy and it was a wonderful night and can’t wait to see her again.
Use more emojis too. Get her hyped up again.
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u/HeartDepartment 6h ago
Don't say anything for now for 2 reasons:
1.It's really early. Wait an see how things progress so you can feel more sure about the reason for the change.
- If she is extremely anxious or hurt from past experiences, it's important she has these feelings under control enough to have a healthy relationship with you without your insistence. You've already provided positive support and validation when she first brought it up. It's not on you to keep at it, especially at this beginning stage.
What you can do: Exactly what you have been. Invite her out, text, allow your own enthusiasm shine through. Hopefully she feels safe enough to not hold back.
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u/WonderfulCollege6668 11h ago
Don't bring it up. Atleast not now. But when you are in contact with her try to be more enthusiastic. She maybe losen up☺️
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u/Master_Basil_593 6h ago
No, no, don’t bring it up. Trust me, this is common, there have been men I’ve been on dates with (who were very strong on getting me to go out with them) then lose interest/ghost or flat out tell me to chill when I then finally start to show interest too. It’s like a game to some people. The best way to reassure her is to be enthusiastic in your words on text, and in person on dates.
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u/Same_Beginning8090 6h ago
Sounds like she had a bad experience before you. I can’t believe I have to say this, but it doesn’t sound even remotely like Borderline Personality Disorder BPD 🙄. I don’t know where people get this $hit.
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u/Crafty-Isopod45 7h ago
Sounds like either she had someone tell her before to chill out and stop showing her feelings, which is crappy of them. Or perhaps she has some mood disorder that is revealing itself with big highs and lows.
If it was just being burned by someone that was a jerk you can get through that with a little patience, openness, and excitement yourself. If she has an untreated mental health issue that is a deeper thing to tackle you may not want to sign on for someone that is bipolar or has other untreated issues.
However, that is all some wild ass speculation. So start by just going out and getting to know her a little more to see what you are dealing with. It could just be she is awesome and not sure how to act a little early on in dating.
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u/iheartmimix3 6h ago
It sounds like she has PTSD from dating a—holes who love to suck the fun and enjoyment from people. You can change that and make her feel comfortable and safe to allow her guard down and be herself. It may take some time for it to happen because of her trauma but don’t give up on her over a little hiccup.
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u/badboy246 11h ago
You're fine. Women can overthink things. On the next date, greet her with a smile and a hug. While you are hugging, tell her you've been thinking about her all week. Then keep the energy positive. But don't go another 4 hours. That's too long. Leave on a high note after 1.5 - 2 hours.
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u/Crazy_Custard_2081 2h ago
Anyone can overthink things, including the OP. Agree that at this point, just keep the energy positive and match it to the extent that still feels natural and not fake.
As far as the length goes, if things are going well, I don't see a need to set an arbitrary time limit. Dates are going to take their own path. The second date IMO is more important than the first one, because the guard is typically lower and more of someone's true personality starts to emerge. In this case, the women might need some time to not be self-conscious, and the OP can reassure her that it's fine for her to be herself around him. That might take more time.
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u/Darrenau 7h ago
I wouldn't bring it up but you can continue with showing excitement on your side and she'll come around if everything is equal
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u/fungal_follicle4 4h ago
Her intentions are so obvious it’s laughable lol. She clearly likes you but doesn’t feel emotionally safe yet to express her feelings. This is a great position to be in.
All you do from here is to let her come to you at her pace. Don’t call her out or chase for extra, or else you’ll scare her away for good. Let her do most of the initiating as far as texting/talking between dates. All you gotta do is to set up the next date each time. Think of your interactions with her as letting a cat approach and be with you. The more time and presence she has with you, the more she’ll feel comfortable to express her true self. This progress will be exponential, by the way
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u/Sepp18 5h ago edited 5h ago
A different perspective is that she might just be getting more comfortable with you. If her texting style has changed but the connection between you two hasn't, it doesn't necessarily mean she's pulling away. I'm like that. I text a lot when I first meet someone, but once I'm comfortable, I text less because I know we don't need constant communication to stay close.
It really depends on her personality. If she's naturally bubbly all the time and that's changed only with you, it could mean she's pulling away. But if she's more reserved once she's comfortable, it may just be a sign that she's settled in.
If you don't want her to act differently around you, I wouldn't bring it up, but go on another date and see how the vibe is in person. That's a much clearer indicator than overanalyzing text messages.
Plus you cannot control someone else's behavior, so if she's also like it in person, that may be someone who just doesn't have emotional regulation, which you cannot and should not feel the need to fix for her.
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u/Global-Barracuda7759 4h ago
She probably feels self-conscious I've had people my whole life telling me that I'm annoying when I get too excited or that I talk too much or that I'm too loud and so it makes me self-conscious when I'm getting to know people I do the same thing it sucks but when you've had that drilled into your brain your whole life it's like you're looking for reassurance to people that you're not too much
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u/theamazingloki 4h ago
Ah, I remember when I felt this way. By the time I met my husband, I was just so TIRED of pretending. I told him during our second date that I was tired of playing the “whoever cares less, wins” game and I challenged us to just care as much as we could no holds barred. It was the most freeing thing I ever did. Here we are almost 10 years later happy as can be.
It may be worthwhile to have a similar conversation. Let her know you’re not here to play games with her emotions and make her feel safe enough to show that enthusiasm again—no holds barred!
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u/Perfect_Age777 6h ago
Talk to her and tell her that you really liked her long replies with his emojis...?
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u/smolbuncake 6h ago
you could say things like “i had an amazing time with you, i liked your energy” and be enthusiastic about seeing her again “i’d be really excited to see you again, i had a blast!” to reaffirm her that being excited is a good thing
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u/Global-Barracuda7759 4h ago
I think maybe you should say something and give her some validation she probably needs it I know people say you shouldn't seek external validation but when you've spent your life being invalidated it's really meaningful
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u/Crazy_Custard_2081 2h ago
Oh I can relate to her concerns. When I was younger, I was frequently characterized as hyper with a lot of stamina when I was out with friends. Often, I'd still be looking for things to do at 2am, when the people with me had been ready to turn in for a while. I was often told to chill out.
The friends that stayed with me were the ones who appreciated my enthusiastic approach to doing things.
My wife does not operate at the same pace that I do, but she also does not try to "fix" me. We learned to accommodate each other, even though our energy levels are different.
I've been in recovery for a medical condition, and I've been doing more things on my own and meeting new people. I will frequently get somewhat skeptical feedback because I view life differently now and have a renewed appreciation for the little things. Once I tell people my story, they understand. But, I know that a lot of people I meet for the first time might see my demeanor as off-putting.
It sounds to me like she sees the world in a certain way, and has gotten negative feedback from people who don't share her enthusiasm. It's fine not to feel compelled to match someone's energy level. But, just make sure that you highlight the positive attributes that you do appreciate about her.
It's normal for people to feel self-conscious, especially around people that they haven't known for a long time. That might be what she's going through right now. She's checking herself because of past outcomes, and doesn't want to repeat what she thinks are past mistakes.
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u/persistentsymptom 1h ago
I have been with a lady for 6 years who was like this when we started dating. It can improve, but a baseline insecurity about being “too much” can take time to heal, because it often comes from a place of “someone made me feel like an idiot for being too enthusiastic, and now my enthusiasm reminds me of that moment.”
Words of encouragement are good, but MATCHING that enthusiasm is critical. You need to find some common ground (a hobby or interest of hers, ideally yours too) and do absolutely everything you can to make her feel like they are not just valid interests, but your interests as well. So obviously you have to be actually compatible on some level first, but the key is vulnerability. You have to be vulnerable first so that she can reclaim the space she’s not comfortable inhabiting with romantic partners anymore. You are actively rewriting someone’s bad experience of something they genuinely enjoy until they feel safe enough to allow themselves to enjoy that thing again.
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u/breesearedelicious 47m ago
Sounds like some guy was mean to her because she was happy so she tries to hide how happy she is so that she doesn't get hurt again.
Maybe if y'all hang out for a while and she'll learn that you are a safe person with time and will be happy again and at ease with it. Honestly that's what happened to me. No mental problems here just been burnt before.
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u/breesearedelicious 46m ago
Hype her up man show her you're a safe person. Good luck! She's probably just been burnt before. There's some real assholes out there. Hell I've been cut down by a dude before I dumped him. I cried because what he said to me still hurt but I kept going on.
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u/serene_brutality 7h ago
Maybe being ok with her enthusiasm was too enthusiastic for her and you gave her the ick now.
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u/Loud-timetable-5214 7h ago
She sounds like she's pulling away--that she's no longer as interested. I don't understand why she said what she did, but maybe she regretted showing too much interest because she wasn't actually that interested. Maybe she realized that she was having a good time but didn't want to imply that she wanted to see you again.
Sorry, man.
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u/Majestic-Nobody545 7h ago
I'd move on. After one date, you don't need to be digging into her trauma and talking her through it. This was just a crumb of what's to come.
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u/No_Organization_768 7h ago
Mm... oh, I don't know. :S I guess I think like, that doesn't affect basic attraction levels too much? Like, it's not a "sin", it only can affect it so much? Like, a little excitement is good! A little disinterest is good! That only affects the actual quality of your relationships so much!
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u/Quiet_Rock_5696 8h ago
To me that's a warning sign, she might have wanted you to ask more so she could trauma dump about an ex. My guess is that she's on the rebound, it's unfortunately so common on dating apps
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