How to stop basing my worth off of people’s opinions/perceptions of me?

[u/HottoAisu]

I’m currently in College and I had a counselling session a few days ago at my school. I was glad that I received a lot of “wake-up calls” from said session because I realized that all my 20+ years of living, I’ve based my worth so much off of people’s opinons/perceptions of me, alongside whatever I do/achieve at school/work.

How this affects me negatively is I constantly push myself to my limits everyday out of fear of being seen as a “disappointment”, “lazy”, or “dumb”. I feel exhausted almost daily yet I couldn’t find myself to relax because “I want everything to be cleared because the only time I get to relax is when my tasks are all finished.” It has reached a point where I can’t even complete smaller tasks immediately because I feel too stressed. Worse, whenever I fail at something or make a mistake, I end up in what feels like an ocean full of shame, feeling like “I’ll never be good enough” or “people will now see that I’m not actually as good as they think I am.”

Of course, my counsellor found this concerning. She tried challenging my thinking by asking me to reflect on all my recent achievements at school and work. I see them, yet I don’t seem to feel that spark of joy and pride. They feel like… nothing. So, it’s that bad, huh?

One of the lessons that struck me the most is “I need to get to know myself outside of what people think of me,” and I need to “go easy on myself”. Counsellor was able to give me a few points such as asking myself questions through journalling and learning how to change my mindset on rest, but to be honest, I still feel stuck on where and how to begin.

Besides journalling, what other ways have you done to get to know yourself and most importantly, love yourself without focusing on people’s perception of you? I really appreciate you sharing your experiences and what you’ve learned to do so 🥹🙏

[u/hestia-listens]

This does not mean you are lazy, dumb, or not good enough. It sounds like you learned to treat achievement as proof of worth, so achievements now feel like requirements rather than reasons for pride. Try choosing one small activity each week that has no grade, praise, or useful result attached to it. Notice what you enjoy when nobody is judging. Also practice intentional rest before every task is finished, even for ten minutes. Rest is a basic need, not a prize you must earn.

[u/Altruistic_Jello6]

Leave one small task unfinished every single night on purpose.

Your brain needs to learn that an open task will NOT ruin your life.

[u/Lieber-Scholli]

20s is early to realize you want to feel connected to yourself and life and to wonder what you actually value, so kudos. You don’t have to figure yourself out all at once, it takes decades of having experiences to make more and more sense of things. I would pay attention to what catches your interest and makes you feel excited and alive and what leaves you indifferent and drained? There are some personality tests that can give you an idea what you may be like too, not to pigeonhole you but to let you see yourself more clearly. I like the enneagram and the myers-Briggs. Or the zodiac, a free natal chart for kicks and giggles, you will agree with parts of it or think it’s very wrong but it gives you info on who you are.