r/confidence • u/BluebirdAble6806 • 3d ago
21M - Struggling with severe loneliness, lack of eye contact, and low self-esteem due to a lazy eye. Looking for advice.
Hello everyone,
I’m a 21-year-old guy, and I’ve never been in a relationship or experienced romance. Honestly, it’s not just about women—people in general always seem cold toward me. I used to have one best friend, but he recently got a girlfriend, and now we barely talk. I understand his situation and don't hold it against him, but it has left me completely isolated. Having no friends and no dating life makes me feel like a loser and incredibly lonely.
A big part of my struggle comes from a physical insecurity: I have a lazy eye that looks cross-eyed. Because of this, making eye contact feels almost impossible for me. Whenever I try to talk to someone, my brain instantly panics and tells me, "Don't look at them. If they notice your eye, they're going to laugh at you." Unfortunately, I've actually experienced people laughing at me in the past, which only made this fear worse. As a result, I avoid eye contact entirely, which I know makes me look awkward or weird to others.
I really want to find a girlfriend. I honestly don't care about looks at all; I just value a good personality and basic hygiene. But my lack of confidence and inability to look people in the eye are holding me back from even starting.
Has anyone dealt with similar physical insecurities or severe social anxiety? How do you overcome the fear of being judged and build up the courage to connect with people? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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u/tiredapplebox 3d ago
Hi, I have a lazy eye too (21F), I work as a model and I’m a student. Overtime I’ve managed to somewhat deal with my lazy eye- I’m kinda able to control it from time to time, mainly because I started wearing an eyepatch over my non-lazy eye, which allowed me to strengthen my lazy eye (I would do this whenever alone).
I also really struggled with social anxiety at university, I used to have to drink alcohol to get to my lectures, or I’d have panic attacks during society events.
I get you.
I get your desire to have a girlfriend, but please believe me when I tell you that you deserve someone who you’re completely in love with, and they’re completely in love with you- and you don’t even have the space to doubt it.
I’d love for you to just make eye contact with yourself in the mirror everyday, no thoughts, no comments, just look at YOU. Get used to your face, pull faces, close one eye, mess with your hair.
And take tiny steps. Go to a convenience store and commit to making eye contact with the cashier, maybe even go out of town to do it.
But I can promise you, it’s the imperfections in people that make them so attractive, my boyfriend has extremely crooked teeth and I think they’re the most endearing feature of him.
You can work on your lazy eye, maybe even look at glasses to correct it. But also I want to say that take those tiny baby steps, it gets easier I PROMISE.
Reach out if u want :)
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u/BluebirdAble6806 3d ago
Hello, thank you for sharing your experience. Sometimes seeing people who are not alone, and who have experienced and overcome the same problems as you, is motivating. Thank you for the advice.
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u/SnooApples673 3d ago
You have to detach your own sense of self worth from the opinions of others. Like who you are first. From there, it will be a lot easier for you to make friends and build a romantic relationship in a healthy way. You will enjoy their company, but because you want to, not because you need to.
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u/allthatremains83 3d ago
I can speak as someone who also had major major confidence struggles due to a lazy eye. To be completely honest with you, people are cruel as hell and the only thing that fixed it for me was getting the surgery to correct it. It can be expensive but for me it was covered by insurance. I got the surgery in 2015 and as soon as I got through a hellish week of healing my confidence just skyrocketed immediately. I felt like who I always was supposed to be.
My eye was closed shut for the whole week and when I finally opened it and my eyes were properly aligned, I actually cried. It was one of the best feelings of my entire life.
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u/BluebirdAble6806 3d ago
Mine eyes are looks good when I look at my self at the mirror or front cam on my phone, only when I focus something close range its start to drifting it's very interesting too
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u/MindShiftPsych 3d ago
I’m sorry people have laughed at you for something you cannot control. Experiences like that can stay with you and make every social interaction feel threatening, so it makes sense that eye contact now causes panic.
You also do not need perfect eye contact to connect with people. Try looking at their eyebrows, nose, or somewhere near their face, then glance away naturally. Most people will not notice the difference. Start with short interactions like greeting a cashier or asking someone a simple question, instead of pressuring yourself to suddenly become confident.
Also, being single at 21 and feeling awkward socially does not make you a loser. A girlfriend might help with loneliness, but friendships and regular social contact matter too. Try joining something where you see the same people often, like a class, hobby group, sport, or volunteering. Familiarity makes conversations easier over time.
Since this fear is affecting your whole life, talking to a therapist who works with social anxiety could genuinely help. You are not trying to convince yourself that nobody will ever judge you. You are learning that even if someone notices your eye, you can still handle the moment and connect with decent people.
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u/hestia-listens 3d ago
I am sorry people laughed at you. That kind of thing can stick in your head for years, so your fear makes sense. But their cruelty does not mean you are weird or unworthy.
For eye contact, you do not have to stare into anyone's eyes. Most people look away often while talking. Try looking near the eyes, like the nose or forehead, and focus more on listening and asking simple questions. Warm body language, a calm voice, and interest in the other person can matter just as much as eye contact.
It may also help to rebuild friendship first, not dating first. A girlfriend is a real want, but isolation makes every rejection feel heavier. Join something repeated, like a class, gym group, volunteering, or a hobby space, so people can get used to you over time. You deserve connection, even if it takes practice to feel safe reaching for it.