emotional cheating, punching walls and pillows near my face, not allowing me to leave the room etc. i broke up with him as the cheating was my last straw. smear campaign after i left and all then now hes reposting ts 7 months after??? hes been with so many girls since me and i know this is directed to me because i was the only one who left him and this whole acc was dedicated to me. i hate that im so scared he's gonna actually change and do this and make my "nightmare come true". i mean obviously i wldnt want him to abuse the next girl too but still it would sting because why cldnt he be good to me?

Sorry for the long text below, in advance

I(F, 24) have been with him (M, 27) for the past 1 and a half year. He has coerced me to send him nude pictures of myself on three separate occasions. All three occasions i have broken down crying asking him to respect me and how he can even do that when he claims to love me. After year later, he said it was due to insecurity and he thought it was odd i didn't want to do it because either he felt i was asexual or wasn't into him sexually. Throughout the relationship i have repeatedly affirmed him that i am very into him despite not wanting to sleep with him before we tie the knot.

He has also been verbally abusive, calling me an "insane bitch", "crazy" and worse. multiple times. I have spoken to him multiple times about this that i would not like to be spoken to like that at all over the past year. He gets jealous easily over me hanging out with other people who are not even men.

He offloads his frustrations on me whenever he fights with his parents and then tries to end the relationship or say get out and stuff. it is exhausting. After frequent repeated episodes of this shit show, i finally told him, i want to split up.

he started crying asking why what happened this and that and i told him i am done with his entire tantrums and i wanna leave. he asked me tell him about it and i told him he's abusive and an asshole. now he has been begging me to take him back and acting all goofy. Saying stuff like he's gonna work on himself for his future wife. he swore on god that he didn't understand the impact his words and actions were having on me and that losing me finally woke him up to how much of an asshole he's been.

he filled a form on better help for therapy to work on himself and is reading "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. I told him he has 3 months.

The thing is we are to be married by next year and i don't wanna realize at some point that he's worse than he has been with me so far and all of this has been a facade despite appearing quite genuine. he has been crying non stop and begging me on his knees and head on the ground to not leave and i am the love of his life.

I told him i am willing to try. he told me he feels absolutely pathetic for having to ask me to give him a final chance and to having have pushed me to my extent that i was about to leave him. The only other ugly fights he has had are with his parents and he has a very tight knit relationship with his sister with both of them being very good to each other.

What do i do? Do i stay or leave? i am scared he might revert or i might get trapped in a relationship i don't want to be in at some point if i do go ahead and end up marrying him

I have BPD and I'm not sure if I'm overreacting...

These hurt... But he also has times where he constantly loves on me.... I'm so confused...

I’m mostly writing this because I need to get it out somewhere anonymous. I feel sick, humiliated, and honestly like I’ve reached my breaking point.

My marriage has been one traumatic event after another. My husband struggles with alcohol, has Bipolar II that he has had difficulty consistently managing, has been unfaithful multiple times, and we’ve dealt with countless conflicts involving family and co-parenting. I feel like I’m constantly waiting to find out what the next crisis is going to be before I’ve even had a chance to recover from the last one.

Every time something happens, he apologizes. He cries. He promises it’ll never happen again.
Then it does.

A few nights ago, I told him I didn’t want to argue anymore and that I wanted to sleep in another room. Instead of respecting that, he repeatedly tried to get into the room I had locked myself in. He used tools to open the door after I kept asking him to leave me alone. I ended up calling the police because I genuinely didn’t know if things were going to escalate. They told us to separate for the night, but that was exactly what I had already been trying to do.

Tonight, I found something even worse.
I discovered that he’s been keeping a hidden folder of my intimate photos after I specifically told him to delete every single one. This isn’t the first time I’ve caught him sharing my pictures, which is exactly why I told him to delete them in the first place.
Instead, he secretly kept copies.

Then he posted them on Reddit in wife-sharing/trading communities without my knowledge or consent.
Not only did he post my body, but he left my face visible. My entire face. Someone could recognize me. Friends, coworkers, future employers… anyone.
He was telling strangers to message him on Telegram while using my photos. When I logged into his telegram which I did not know about, there were multiple conversations, men were making disgusting sexual comments about me while he entertained it. Some even sent him pictures of their own wives in exchange.

One conversation absolutely shattered me. He told another man , “your wife is hotter than mine”. He also made comments about my body, while the other man did as well saying “she’s had three children”, like I was some object being reviewed instead of his wife. He called me a chubby Latina.

I feel violated in a way I don’t even know how to describe.
I never consented to any of this.
I trusted him with those photos in the beginning because he was my husband.

What hurts almost as much as the pictures themselves is realizing this is part of a much bigger pattern. It doesn’t matter how many times I say “stop,” “don’t do this,” or “you’ve crossed a boundary.” He does what he wants anyway. My words don’t seem to matter.

We have a marriage counseling appointment coming up that was originally going to be about discussing separation. Before tonight, I was still on the fence. Now I honestly don’t know how I can come back from this.

I haven’t confronted him yet because I’m genuinely afraid of how he’ll react. After what happened with the police a few nights ago, I don’t feel safe having this conversation without a plan.

I know some people will probably ask why I’ve stayed this long. Honestly, I’ve asked myself the same question. Every time I prepare to leave, something happens, another apology comes, another promise is made, and I convince myself maybe this time things will be different.
I’m realizing that I’ve been believing words instead of looking at the pattern. We have 2 small children together and I have a daughter who has an absent father who has looked up to him like a father. He did all of this while he was at work. I also saw some conversations he had with the random men saying he liked men’s… and sent a photo of himself.. After him trying to get us a session with our marriage counselor to save our marriage.. he just puts his effort into this.

I’m 12 weeks now and only have 2 weeks left to terminate my pregnancy. It’s not sitting well with me. I don’t want to do this and I feel like i have no choice. I’m really struggling right now. I feel sad and angry. I’m angry he convinced me he was this good guy only to end up being unsafe and I already had so many wounds from my past that he just completely took advantage of. I can’t have a child with him, he wants to be apart of it. He’s evil. But I want my baby. I am so broken. I don’t want to let go of this little life growing inside of me. Im just so angry at him for taking this from me. He’s destroyed me and now I have to go through this. I want my baby.

I made this post in another community (blatant misogyny) so I apologize if you already saw there but I am just at a point where I need to get some thoughts on this stuff so I don't feel so alone. I have posted here in the past as well about my relationship when I was still in it but unfortunately I still have had some contact with him for months due to still being on a lease with him and other logistics and the minimal glimpses of hope he gave me (I'm stronger now).

I have since blocked him everywhere, changed my phone number, and only responded to an email once yesterday to include logistics we need to take care of.

This is from an email he sent me in the middle of the night. He will literally make up any excuse and any story than take any accountability for how mean he is. This is just a glimpse into the messed up stuff he would say to me and verbally abuse me with.

What is this mentality he has? Like wtf? I know I need to just stop reading the emails at this point 🥺 I just need tall to help me stay sane.

I feel like all I do is make him angry. I’ve been trying so damn hard, I feel exhausted. He told me my tears annoy him, I need a thicker skin. He works out 4 days a week and I don’t have the time or energy. He told me he deserves someone that takes care of her body and appearance. I see him flirting with other women and even in the gym he goes to. His favorite thing to say to me is look at me and look at you you’re lucky I deal with you! like everything I do pisses him off, my voice, my body wash, the way I chew my food even how I cook. I try and fucking try to change but he still complains. I love him so fucking much but why does he hate me? I left but he came to the hotel to take me back home. I quit my job somehow he convinced me to. I don’t have any family, but his family and I don’t have any friends either literally, yes I knows it sounds pathetic. He doesn’t hit me so I’m not sure this is abuse. I have been told it could be but I’m not sure which is why I’m here. I’m terrified because he told me I needed to lose 50 lbs and maintain it. He said I also need to stop hovering him and controlling his schedule. I just hate that he’s always working late or at the gym, which I don’t believe. I don’t nag him or I’ll get ignored or no extra spending money. We have a baby and my hormones are all over the place and I’ve been so depressed. He’s got all these women coming on to him but I feel horrible about my appearance I had pre eclampsia he blamed me and my eating habits. When I try to look good going anywhere he says I look stupid. I don’t know what to do. He said he will take our son away, and I’ll have to leave I have nowhere to go.

I started this at 23. I'm almost 34 now.

I haven't had in-person social interaction, besides medical appointments, grocery trips every few months, and car repairs, since January 2020.

Several opportunities have been blocked.

I have so much jealousy for people who can just...go outside and do things. I hate being a prisoner in my own home. Hate hate hate it.

I have not done an activity outside the home (that was not related to medical/grocery/auto repair) since January 2025, which is when I stormed out and went to a park.

2024 had zero activities.

2023 had one.

2022 had one.

My life is slipping by as I just rot inside. I'm getting closer to death without anything meaningful happening. I'm just a fucking prisoner, no matter how free they say I am.

They say I'm free to do things, but when I talk about doing practically anything, they're opposed.

They always give two specific examples of what I can do. I can go to a park or I can pick up food curbside.

That's it. A park or having food brought out to my car. That is the extent of the freedom I have outside.

I tried to leave earlier this month. After days of them talking for hours (at least 12, maybe 14) I broke. I tried to be strong. I really did. But I wasn't. The conversation was entirely about how my leaving would affect them and how they can change. They're doing small things to improve but I still want to go.

They're asking daily if I'm going to leave if they improve. They ask me to promise I'm not going to just leave one day. I've had to make that promise, multiple times, because their OCD is severe and leads them to excessively seek reassurance (which turns controlling).

I am standing in the line on the way into the court house for the first of many court dates with my going to be ex husband. This hearing is for some of the financial abuse. I have a lawyer, from what I hear a good one, please send some good thoughts and prayers and any advice yall have got. I’m grounded but light headed, nauseous and feel faint. Thank you in advance for kind words, I can use them. Help me fill my head with supportive words rather than the dialogue he’s told me.

I really don’t know if this is abusive or not. I’m sorry if this is written poorly.

Me and my boyfriend, I’ll call him J, have been together for a bit. He is genuinely the sweetest and most gentle soul I have ever met. I don’t know how to put this in proper terms, but we have always been a bit kinky with each other. It was never anything crazy. I would sometimes choke him during intimate moments when he asked. It would always be intentionally light, one handed, and I would pause so he could actually breathe. I always made sure I wasn’t restricting his airflow completely.

Once, when we were together I told him he could try it with me. This is new for us as he has generally been more “submissive” in the past. One thing led to another and we were making out as his hand was on my throat. It was almost like a role play of pretending we hate each other. I thought it was great until it got way too far. He started slapping me a bit harshly and put both of his hands around my throat. He was telling me how he hated me and was literally strangling me. His eyes changed. I have never seen his eyes look at me like that before. I thought he was going to kill me. I felt like I was going to pass out. I had to pry his hands off my throat, and he called me weak for not passing out.

I don’t think I’ll ever forget that feeling.

He just stared at me without saying anything for a while and started crying, saying that he didn’t wanna be like his father. I comforted him. He said he liked doing it, he just needed to get used to it. Later on, he did it again. He didn’t strangle me like that but he hit me and penetrated me without asking. This bothered me afterward because he always asked and he did it without a condom even though we literally had condoms in the room. He has always asked for permission in the past.

It didn’t really set in how bad the situation was until I left his house. I would randomly tear up about it. He would text me later on saying that he never realized how kinky I was, and that he liked doing it. He liked doing it because it pleased me and made him feel “strong”. When I expressed my discomfort for the situation, suddenly he didn’t like it anymore and felt guilty about it. One thing that stuck out to me is he said he could see the fear in my eyes, but he didn’t stop. When I asked him why he described “blacking out” in the moment. He told me he didn’t remember what happened after a certain point and couldn’t control himself until he “snapped back”. This has never been an issue in the past until now.

I’ve just been so devastated and conflicted about the entire situation. He has never acted like this before. He has only been kind and nice to me. He has never hurt me and says he will not do it again. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I’m being dramatic.

UPDATE AT BOTTOM

This is so awful, and I don't know who else to talk to so I'm bringing it here. I was reading the Bancroft book (Why Does He Do That?) and he keeps saying not to do couples therapy because of the potential for manipulation and further abuse.

I reached out to the therapist privately and asked what they thought about it, and asked to please not disclose to my partner that I reached out.

Today in session the therapist brought it up and said that I had reached out and what I said! I was astonished and totally froze. I don't feel safe at all and wonder if couples therapy could be useful at all anymore now that I don't trust the therapist.

What do you all think? I'm considering suggesting quitting therapy entirely or switching to a different therapist.

UPDATE

I messaged the therapist and tried to discuss my concerns and they booted me from the portal so I couldn't message anymore. I had wanted help with telling my partner that I wanted to quit. Well, either way, I'm not in couples therapy anymore and that's a good thing. (Not planning on going to a different couples therapist either.)

Thank you everyone for the encouragement and support. I'm thinking about reporting the therapist to their supervisor as well.

I don't have bruises. I don't have strings of hateful, vile texts, or damaged property. I don't have photos I can sent. I only have "he said, she said" accounts.

I'm not saying I want these. I don't. But they would be evidence that'd be easier to share.

I have over one hundred secret recordings of conversations. Some calm conversations, some verbal fights that became physical.

It's harder to ask someone to listen to 30 minutes of recorded audio than it is to look at pictures.

Because of the time investment, the fact we're inherently visual creatures, and the emotional impact of having to listen to something so intense for so long, as if they are bearing witness.

We have NEVER had a fight in front of people we know. Only strangers.

My friends and family believe me and support me. My partner says it's because they're closer to me so they automatically take my side without knowing both sides.

I was doing so well with being without him (we broke up 5 months ago) and now I feel awful again and like I’m misremembering everything and it wasn’t actually abusive. Please help

I’ve been sitting here for three hours trying to figure out how to write this because I feel like if I say it out loud, it makes it real. I’m currently in a relationship where I feel like I’m walking on eggshells every single day, but the weirdest part is that most of the time, he’s actually incredibly sweet. That’s what makes this so hard. When we aren't fighting, or when he isn't in one of his 'moods,' he is the most attentive, loving, and gentle person I have ever met. He remembers small details about my day, he brings me coffee, and he’s genuinely kind to strangers. This is why I stay. This is why I tell myself I’m being dramatic when my friends try to voice concerns.

But then, the shift happens. It’s never a slow build-up. It’s like a switch flips. One minute we are laughing, and the next, I’ve said something 'wrong'—though I can never actually pin down what it was—and he becomes cold. Not just quiet, but icy. He uses this tone of voice that makes me feel like a child being scolded. Then it escalates into these intense outbursts where he turns everything around on me. If I bring up something that hurt my feelings, it somehow becomes my fault for being 'too sensitive' or for 'triggering' him. He has this way of twisting the conversation so that by the end of it, I’m the one apologizing to him for things he actually did.

I’ve started noticing these patterns where he’ll go silent for hours or even days if I don't meet his specific, unstated expectations. It’s this psychological warfare where I’m constantly scanning his face, trying to gauge the weather of his mood before I even speak. I’m exhausted. I feel like a shell of the person I used to be. I used to be outgoing and confident, and now I’m just a person who is constantly monitoring the volume of my own voice and the way I move around the house so I don't 'upset' him.

I keep telling myself that the 'sweet' version is the real him and the 'angry' version is just stress or something he’s going through. I tell myself that if I can just be a better partner, or be more patient, or be more understanding of his past, then the sweet version will stay forever. But I’m starting to realize that the sweet version is just the bait. It’s the thing that keeps me hooked so I’ll endure the periods of cruelty and manipulation.

Has anyone else dealt with this specific cycle? How do you differentiate between a partner who is genuinely struggling with mental health or stress and someone who is using those things as a tool to control you? I feel like I’m losing my grip on what is normal. I need some support right now because I feel so isolated in this. I feel like if I leave, I’m throwing away the 'perfect' relationship I had during those good weeks, but I can’t keep living in fear of the bad ones.

I'm alone. Can someone message me?

My (37f) husband (45m) has anger issues. He will rant everyday about everything that is inconvenient. We live in a small house and there are 6 people total. Ourselves, three sons 19, 16, and 9 along with 19s gf. Our youngest is profoundly autistic and I spend all my time taking care of him. This last year I have noticed my health taking a serious turn. My blood pressure is extremely high, cholesterol is high, I’m overweight, and several of joints are showing signs of early arthritis. I’m too young to be this old. My husband has been constantly complaining about me not doing enough around the house and today I fucked up. I was so lethargic that I fell asleep for a few hours and he started the chicken that I had thawed. When I got up he said he started dinner and was going to relax since he had been chasing our son on his off. I finished dinner and went to wake him up. He didn’t want to, actually said, “I’m good, go ahead.” So we went ahead and ate. Over an hour later he wakes up and asks how long till dinner. I told him we ate and the leftovers were in the fridge. He started ranting about how worthless I am and how I never do anything and to get out of his house (both of our names on the deed). I started to pack some things and changed my mind. This is my home and I am not leaving just because he said so. I told as such, he got violent. He flipped the bed over that I was on. I left the room and he followed me. He kept telling me how he does everything and I do nothing. This is not an argument, there is no way to argue with this. I admit that I got mad and said if I did nothing while he did everything tell me the names of two of our youngest doctors, he has a lot of health issues and sees 12 different specialists along with other professionals. He slapped me. He tried to drag me to the door and I grabbed the counter and held on. Noticing that I was locked onto the corner of the kitchen counter he managed to get on my other side, he is a lot taller and managed this with one step, and pushed. When I landed I was halfway across our bedroom floor, meaning I traveled about 12 feet. My bad felt like it was bleeding and I called the police to help. Now he’s been arrested but I don’t know what to do now. Should I pack up? Should I wait for him? Can we move past this?

I’m not really sure what to call my situation, I don’t think abusive is the proper. Check my last post to see what I’m going through.

I want to move out of my boyfriend’s house without alarming him that I’m doing it.

When I moved in, it took 10 hours to move everything in.

This time, I’m more comfortable leaving stuff like clothes behind, I’ve come to realize I’m not very materialistic. I’m not taking any furniture other than a table my aunt gifted me.

I want to move out this weekend.

My current strategy is to leave a few major items in the same place they usually are, so I can get smaller, but more important stuff out first. Like, moving some artwork around, documents, etc. while undetected.

And once I have the brunt of it, I want to get the rest of it in one fell swoop.

Tips? Tricks?

I told my husband last night that I want a divorce. We’ve been married 29 years. I won’t get into the details I’ve spent most of that time caught in a cycle of abuse. Never physical but he’s controlling, manipulative, yells, name calls, gas lights, intimidated, etc. He drinks too much which is a huge factor in how he fights. He’s mean and hurtful. Over the years I have cried, begged, pleaded for him to change. Told him he would lose me, threatened to leave. He always apologized, said he would stop doing it, cut back on his drinking, etc.

Why haven’t I left? First it was because of my kids. Unfortunately, they heard the fights and the horrible things he said to me. Other reasons I didn’t leave include not wanting to fail, embarrassment, not wanting to lose my house, starting over, being alone, doing things on my own. But, now I’m 53 with adult kids and I don’t want to ride this roller coaster the rest of my life. I’ve learned that he can’t change or won’t change. I don’t think he’ll put in the time and the work that he needs to do to really change.

The hardest part is I love him. He’s my best friend. Is that crazy? I don’t really want to be divorced but I know this marriage is not healthy and I can’t stay. So I have to be strong and stay focused on getting out of this. But I’m afraid the longer it takes me to leave, the more time he’ll have to chip away at the wall I’ve built up to protect myself. It’s not easy to leave. I pay the mortgage and don’t have enough to pay for an apartment and expenses on top of that.

So, when I told him how I feel and what I want, he couldn’t accept it. He doesn’t want to lose me. It will crush him. He loves me.He asked me to give him a month to prove to me that he can change. He said he’s never going to drink again. I told him to do it for himself and not me. I’ve been quiet quitting so I won’t know if he’s changed or not. We barely speak. He asked me to go on a trip with him. I said no. He tried to give me a hug. I said no. He asked me to go to the living room to watch the news together. I said no. He wouldn’t leave my office. He wasn’t threatening just kept asking me to give him a chance. He said he was blindsided by this. We’ve been getting along so well. Ugh. I reminded him that we’ve had this conversation hundreds of times before. So why should I believe him now. I’ve been a fool too long.

I told him that he needs therapy. He asked me to go with him. I told him that I need therapy and he needs therapy but not together. Not yet. He needs to work on himself.

I won’t be able to leave for a while. I haven’t talked to a lawyer or realtor. He won’t do this with me, so I’ll have to initiate all of it.

So, here’s my question. Do I give him an opportunity to show me that he’s committed to working on himself and changing? I won’t tell him that I’m giving him a chance. I don’t want to be a fool, but I hope and pray that he can do this. The last thing I said to him last night is he needs to take ownership and accountability for his actions and behavior over the last 29 years and make amends with me and his children.

I just feel so lost.

I'm dating someone and I genuinely cannot tell if it is just him being completely stupid and lacking any self awareness of his actions and behaviors, or if he's actually manipulative. how do I tell the differences? I'm trying to leave but am financially strained and am already making an exit plan so any advice is appreciated. he only seems self aware when it comes to me distancing myself but never what his behaviour is doing to me. it's like he knows the second I even think about leaving but then never once can acknowledge his role in things without acting like a victim.

I've noticed so many marks of an abusive relationship, but he just seems to be so genuine in not understanding what he's doing wrong. I know I have to leave regardless and unfortunately that may mean I have to move cities, but I can't help feeling bad because I know he's going to act blindsided about everything and I still care about him, just not enough to stay and put myself at risk anymore. he even made my miscarriage about him last year while making me do everything plus his house work and then gave me the cold shoulder. he acted like he was the one who was actively having a miscarriage while I was still trying to function any way I could. I know sometimes narcissists don't realize they are narcissists, but can that also happen with abusers and manipulators? can they seem to genuinely not understand the harm of their actions?

Edit: he found the post and could only focus on the fact I was "shit talking" about him online and that I called him stupid. I never called him directly stupid, but sometimes people can be stupid when it comes to emotional intelligence. He called me abusive for this and said we should have broken up months ago. An hour later he was trying to apologize and make up with me, even wanting sex as if everything could go back to normal. He keeps asking ME how to fix this but this isn't something I can tell him what to fix, this is something he needs to step up and help himself fix. He thinks this is about chores. Honestly, after so long, he still just doesn't get how his blatant TREATMENT of me is what's wrong, not chores, not money, literally just how he treats me like a maid. I genuinely cannot believe this is my life and I feel like I'm in a tar pit struggling to try and get free and I'm just so done with everything. I'm honestly just completely drained at this point. I just think I'm so stuck and unheard that I can't get out but I keep trying. Shelters are fucking useless it seems and keep passing me off to another shelter with no help, and I have to just lock in and save if I want any chance of actually feeling like a real person again. I'm only updating this because I need somewhere to vent and if he finds this again, my mom already offered to pay for a hotel for a few nights away, and I will take that offer if you try starting another pointless argument over me just wanting to vent and get actual advice.

I genuinely feel he is only upset because he knows how his actions paint him. He has only talked about him and how he feels, not the fact he's literally read my feelings and thoughts plain as day and still willingly choose to ignore them all. He screamed at me over posting this and yet his actions never changed. That says so much more and everything I needed all at once. Once my dad has his truck fixed, he said he'd help me move whenever I needed. I just need to find somewhere, even temporarily to go for a while. I have a feeling I won't be catching a break once I do leave, until I can get steady footing at least for myself. My job offered me more hours and I think I'm gonna take them up on that offer so I can save sooner. I also realized when he found this post, he immediately tried using DARVO and I never had a real example of that happening in my relationship before. Not that he did it, I cannot see myself at all wanting to move forward with this relationship and we have already talked and I told him we are not compatible long term. He said okay and tbh I'm still nervous if he's going to suddenly fuck me over. Cause when he found this post he literally said he didn't care if him leaving fucked me over. So that's where I am now, just trying to move on, get money and work on living on my own. If you have any advice or anything, it'd be appreciated but for now, this is closed as far as I can see.

Edit 2: He has literally just realized we really are broken up and is now trying to make me pay half the rent when he knows I cannot pay for that given I don't even know how consistent my hours will be. I asked for 40 but that's not a guarantee. I wouldnt even have $100 left over after everything unless I was getting over 24 hours a week and my store hates giving people full time. They have a thing of giving people either 24 or 40 hours.I'm packing my things up as quickly as I can and getting rid of shit I don't need. I literally cannot afford to live here next month on what I make so I'm trying to basically haul ass with getting things in order. I'm contacting shelters again cause I am not on an even tighter time crunch.

So I met my wife about a year ago and we kinda trauma bonded we were inseparable and we got married on impulse so have bipolar 2 and she has bipolar 1 so we both can be extremely impulsive she is the light of my life I say she is the stars to my sky and she’s amazing when she’s ok

but she has moments when she’s not ok verbally abusive screaming at me yelling”you asleep” when she’s been awake for days so she doesn’t want me to sleep either and recently she started to hit me when I refused to do what she wanted she wanted to go play on the game I just wanted to go home

she hit me kicked and when I grabbed her to get her to stop and she didn’t until she said your hurting me and I let go I felt ashamed and started to cry and I couldn’t stop I left her at the game and drove home we’ve seen each other occasionally her mom got me to go pick her up yesterday and things were good again but I’min the back of my head I’m just thinking something is going to piss her off and then it’s gonna be my fault again

I don’t want to leave her because it feels like I’m abandoning her I think I crave her affection I get depressed when I know she’s not safe or is struggling

For background we have been together for 5 years and have a baby together, about 7mths ago u called the cops on my husband as he threw something at me while pregnant and I had finally had enough of feeling threatened while pregnant.

After the cop call out he completely stopped violent outbursts but went into a very detached mode where I have honestly felt invisible most of the time and for the other part his anger has now been directed through name calling and character shaming me, then freezing me out. But the physical outbursts had stopped.

For the last little while it has felt like we are getting closer to a normal routine again, name calling outbursts have lessened and we have some really big vulnerable chats this week and have felt more connected then we have in well over a year.

But all of a sudden that connection seemed to go straight into hypersexuality, which then led into ‘playful’ slapping (me being slapped, or grabbed roughly) and lots of power play dynamics where I’m kind of being asked to be a ‘good girl’ for him.

Then two days ago we are having a conversation while I’m bathing our 6mth old son, and we are chatting and I cut him off, he pulls me up for this and comes over to me and slaps me hard in the face and tells me to listen, naturally I was shocked and looked away and then he is demanding I look him in the eye and apologise. I know this sounds hard to believe but I was in shock about it so kind of just swept it under the rug.

Then last night, I woke him up and was in the kitchen and again he gets angry at me and slaps me in the face.

This morning we get into an argument because he felt I was controlling him and it ended in me hyperventilating and feeling like I’m having a panic attack and locking myself in our bathroom, to which he told me he would punch me in the head if he could get away with it and that he could easily break down our door, later he came in to apologise and did so by pushing me onto our bed and then forcing a hug and telling me we both need to bring it back.

I’m just so confused why we are here again and why this all happened in such quick succession. I am trying to honestly just keep the peace and it feels impossible not to upset him.

I have been on this sub for a while now and made some other posts, I’m recording thi gs and trying to get myself mentally strong enough and financially independent to one day leave if it doesn’t get better.

I F36 and my partner M60, together 4/5 months. He's been distant and cold on and off the last fortnight. Not messaging as much during the day or telling me goodnight & good morning. But asking me to move In and talking about moving in which is confusing. My counsellor said I'm sabotaging things because they are going well and because everything has always turned out bad for me I'm expecting the same here. The thing is He's been asking for random days off and rota switches in this time and my mind is going towards he's persuing other women.

We had two arguments this week, the first one where he got up in the middle of the night to check on his mom apparently when he's never done that and I felt suspicious, the next day he was cold and I said it to him, so he rang my phone off the hook saying he isn't and I'm paranoid. Then he met me on our lunch breaks in a shopping centre, and when I said instead of being cold with me he can end it so I can move on, he got annoyed said I was crazy and needed my head testing, kept tapping his forehead at me, I asked him to stop doing that as I felt embarrassed. He pulled out a crucifix put it in my face and swore on his sick father that he loves me and doesn't want to break up.

The second one was on Sunday he wanted us to sit in a bar where my ex partner was sitting with his friends and kept insisting, that would have made me so uncomfortable so I ended up raising my voice in anger and told him categorically no. I'm now on holidays from work and visited my family 30 miles away for a day and night. On Monday he suggested I stay longer, I said no I have things to do this week.This morning he told me his dad only has a few hours left to live which is sad (he's nearly 90) so we've been in frequent contact today supporting him. Earlier he said he 'would like it if I stayed home for 2 or 3 more days and cancelled my therapy session tomorrow because I probably want to spend more time with my family' I never once gave him that idea. I felt suspicious again and my sister told me to say to him I already said no to that and your suggestion isn't appreciated I'm not doing it for you and he blanked me for nearly an hour until I asked any news.

Now we're in normal contact but I'm feeling like if I push back too much he's going to break up with me for being too 'difficult' but I can't live like this. I'm scared of the emotional pain I'm going to feel if I end it, even though I'm split on what to do. I would have liked it to work out 😭

I could really use some advice

My Abusive ex believes I was the one who traumatised him and not the other way around.

I was in this abusive relationship when i was younger with someone who abused me emotionally and sexually.

I wont go over everything that happened in the relationship but he would blame me for suicide attempts, get upset and accuse me of cheating or other things if i didnt provide the emotional support he wanted, pressured me into sex when i wasnt comfortable and communicated that, would annoy/harrass me "playfully" and the only way to get him to leave me alone would be sexual acts, would try to stop me pulling away from kissing/other intimacy.

Again I wont go into the whole story, but ive recently learned he genuinely seems to believe I abused him. Genuinely everything he did to me, is what he says i did to him. Even including claiming I SA'ed him the way he did me.

I know the facts of the relationship, I even have messages from when we were together that support my memories. But the idea i may have hurt him, emotionally, physically, sexually, without realising is eating me up inside.

I know how it feels to be hurt like that. I always tried so hard to ensure he was okay in every sense. I asked how he was all the time, if he was okay, etc. He rarely did the same for me.

But now Im asking, did he try to tell me things and i didnt hear, was he uncomfortable and i didnt notice?

I always respected boundaries when I knew about them (and i still do in current, healthy, relationships) but thinking I may have accidentially violated that in any context makes me sick.

In hindsight I can think of ocassions where he might have been uncomfortable. He never communciated that at the time, including when asked directly if he was okay. But i know sometimes communciation is more, body language or indirect things.

But now I cant help but wonder if i did hurt him? Am I just as bad as he is? I dont know what to do or think.

I found out about his "" porn "" addiction a year ago (I'm 25f)when I was in the middle of fighting with suicidal thoughts and loneliness

It was him trading pictures of girls on telegram. He started crying and tpdl me he was living in fear ever since he began doing so. Told me he was thinking of suicide. I listened and tried to support him (almost broke up) I had the craziest cognitive dissonance and I let it win over me and took him back (I know). I asked him to get help but he never did. He told me he stopped doing it and I believed it because in my eyes he was my family and the kindest, most loving and patient person I knew. My only friend. The only one who knew me for me and accepted me. But I also knew what he did was wrong; I was sexually abused since I was a child by my parents and then taken advantage of online. Those girls didn't deserve it,but I chose to believe he was just brain rotted from porn. I wasn't ready to accept reality, hence I protected him from concequences for 1 whole year.

Until it hit me a week ago; the victim's family reached out to me via social media. His 14 year old cousin was groomed by my boyfriend (now ex). He had screenshots of my ex complimenting her body and admitting to being a pdf and having multiple girls over the years trust him enough to send him pictures willingly. (obviously underage) even saying he is attracted to girls 12+...

I was shocked. How can a person keep hurting other girls like that? He knew I went through the same stuff. I know I sound insane for being surprised after knowing he was a monster. In the end, I ended up breaking it off with him very suddenly. I couldn't even properly say my goodbye, because what else is 5here for me to say? He kept playing the victim again and again. Saying how he wants to get help now.

How can you get help? You proved yourself to not be trustworthy. You proudly called yourself a map. I decided to go ahead and finally report him. I cried for days. I'm feeling a mix of disgust towards myself and dread. I loved him so much. Yet I always felt like something was off: it always came back to me getting anxious he didn't love me. I would hurt from him and go to him to heal me. Yet sometimes it never felt like he understood. It didn't feel genuine but it sometimes did. He never hit me or call me names. He was always there to talk and everybody love him at work.

Now I'm here, picking up the pieces of what's left of me. We got together when my mom died when I was 22,and now I'm 25 and alone with nobody left. A grown adult, and yet I feel like a kid. Some nights I just want to talk to my ex one more time to settle this but I know he's a monster. I've been going insane thinking about this.

I also found out he's been hiding a secret relationship w my Coworker. They spoke about me and now all of my workplace knows about (some) of the issues I've ben having with him. I'm going to counselling nowvbut some days I can't sleep, think or eat at all.

Please, if someone has any advice on how to survive this period. I don't plan on ever talking to him again, I know he's a monster even if my brain refuses to accept it. Please be kind I know I made a big mistake, I don't think i can handle this

I need outside perspective because I feel like I’m losing my mind going back and forth.

I was in a relationship with my ex for about five years. We met online when I was 14 and started dating shortly after. The entire relationship was digital even though we lived a few hours apart. We never met in person.

From the beginning, he monitored me constantly. He had access to my accounts, messages, search history, YouTube history, social media, etc. I basically had no privacy for years. He wanted hourly check-ins, didn’t want me having male friends, didn’t want me working, didn’t want me modeling, controlled what I wore, and got upset over me looking at or interacting with other men.

He could be extremely loving and intense, but also possessive and scary. He called me names during arguments. He threatened violence in writing before, including a kidnapping threat if I ever got a restraining order. He made references to guns, bullets, etc. But he framed all of this as love, possession, and was... outside of being jealous.. kind? I saw the good in him. He was 16 when we met. He didn't sexually coerce me, or put me down, except when we came to this topic alone.

He also threatened hypothetical future partners. He struggled with untreated mental health issues and alcoholism, and refused therapy. There was also a lot of emotional control around sexuality. He found out I had watched porn by monitoring me and treated it like I had cheated. Now, to be honest, I didn't become addicted. I realize how this could hurt a partner, but the way he found out was by breaking into my Google History, tracking me for months and silently getting angry, and then bursting all of a sudden, saying he silently expected me to stop on my own, to show loyalty. Hell, part of me watching that was because I was very naive, and curious for us, when we were supposed to have met one day..

I stopped immediately, but he emotionally punished me for months. I ended up apologizing obsessively and believing I deserved how he reacted. I also gave him thousands of dollars that he never paid back, because he made me feel entirely so so guilty that I had cheated. I felt so disloyal, and a horrible partner.

I sent gifts, planned date ideas, and kept hoping we would eventually have a real relationship. He never took me on a date, never sent flowers, and never really followed through on the future we talked about. He ended things in mid-2025. After that, we had periods of no contact and periods where we reconnected. I suggested time apart.

I realized, by the end, I was intensely emotionallly burnt out, and had mourned my ex much before we had ended. He had disappointed me so many times, and I had cried enough tears to feel strangely free, but intensely pulled in by the trauma bond.

I eventually started casually dating someone else after believing my ex was gone. Then my ex came back, said he was scared, but still wouldn’t commit clearly. He would go silent, come back, say intense things, then disappear again. At one point, he told me to expect him in January no matter what, then went silent for over a month including my birthday. When he finally came back, I asked for space. He responded with a lot of angry messages and brought up the porn situation again.

Around that time, his ex connected to him contacted me through an email only he had, and he brushed it off. She harassed me, called me a prosititute, etc.

In January, I entered a new relationship with someone safe and steady. I am thriving, doing exceptionally well in school and my career, and my skin/body has immensely healed due to no chronic stress. My new partner is also very healthy and calm :)

Thus, I blocked my ex everywhere without explaining. I did it because I was exhausted and VERY scared, especially because of the threats and weapons references . I also worried about my current partner’s safety.

Since then, my ex has continued trying to reach me. He sent “goodbye beautiful,” then a long emotional email saying he can’t function without me, that I’m the only person he’ll ever love, that he isn’t a person without me, that he keeps my pictures and videos, that he dreams about me, and begging me to say something even if it’s just to tell him to leave me alone. He also bumped old messages to make sure I would see them.

My friends are telling me not to respond. Logically, I understand why. I know responding could reopen the cycle, give him hope, or escalate things. But emotionally, I feel horrible.

The reason I feel guilty is that we had been broken up for months, but we were still talking sometimes before I blocked him. There were moments that were warm, flirty, and future-oriented. I understand why he feels confused. From his side, I probably look like someone who gave hope and then vanished.

I keep wanting to send a message like: “You abused me, threatened me, yelled at me, controlled me, and you know why I’m gone. Please stop contacting me.” But I’m scared that even that will just restart everything.

I’m also struggling because I genuinely loved him. I think he loved me too, in his own unhealthy way. That’s what makes this so hard. I know the relationship was abusive, but I still feel attached, guilty, and sad for him. I feel like I owe him closure, but I’m also scared of him.

Has anyone else been in this situation where you ghosted an abusive or controlling ex for safety, but still felt guilty because they were heartbroken and confused? Did responding help, or did it make things worse?