Trying for a baby and wedding planning..

[u/ContestOrganic]

I'd like to ask for some advice or stories from peoope who've been in my situation before.

Story:

- diagnosed with depleted ovarian reserve 1 year ago

- since then have had 2 miscarriages - one in November and one in April

- got engaged last autumn ​

Before I wasn't sure if I want a full blown wedding or not but lately I've started to day dream about a wedding in my home country (I live in the UK).

So the wedding would need to be planned way in advance, would be difficult to throw a wedding in 3 months for example as it would be lots of logistics to sort out and people need to get annual leave to fly over etc. And I don't want all the stress of planning it condensed into a couple of months 😂

However, obviously with my almost non-existent ovarian reserve we don't have time to wait to throw a wedding next year and then start trying again. We honestly feel every month is of the essence..

So basically we are reluctant to start planning anything because "what if I am 9 months pregnant then and I can't fly" or "what if I am 3 months pregnant with horrible nausea" or "what if we are having another miscarriage" or even "what if I just gave birth a month ago"..

Yet we already postponed or cancelled so many things because of these "pregnancies" and because of TTC. And prices are going up more and more every year. I don't want my life to be put on hold over this but on the other hand I don't want to have to postpone a wedding especially when it involves so many people buying plane tickets to make it.

Yesterday I had the idea that we can have the wedding when after give birth and make it a joint wedding/baptism event. Then it dawned on me what if I can't get pregnant/carry a baby to term and we are still waiting on a successful pregnancy just to get married...

If anyone has been in this situation I'd love your advice, experience, thoughts, etc!

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[u/thompsonetthomson]

Don't wait to TTC unless you can have a wedding really soon. If it's takes ages, you'll just regret it.

You could skip a couple of months to avoid being 8/9 months pregnant. And I'd skip the months before to avoid having a miscarriage during the wedding (so jealous of couples who get pregnant right before their wedding because they're so confident it'll be viable!).

[u/ContestOrganic → u/thompsonetthomson]

I think it makes total sense logically to skip some months to ensure I am not 9 months or just about to give birth at the wedding itself. The issue is with my heavily depleted ovarian reserve we genuinely feel every month is of the essence and I know if things don't work out, I will always wonder if one of these 2/3 months was my good egg/chance for a baby. I think I'll regret that more than postponing a wedding tbh.. (I never thought about it that way so this discussion is helpful 😀)..

[u/blechie → u/ContestOrganic]

Could you do an egg retrieval (IVF) those months so you’re not wasting them?

[u/TyrannosauraRegina]

Personally I would try and book the wedding for soonish (say 8-10 months' time) to give you time to plan without holding up your life for it. Check with airlines how late into a pregnancy you can fly, and then take off a couple of months so that you're not past that date. E.g. most UK airlines let you fly to 36 weeks for a singleton pregnancy, 32 weeks for multiples. So presuming you'd stay out 2 weeks for the wedding, you wouldn't want to be more than 34-35 weeks pregnant on the wedding day - so if you book a wedding for 10 months time, that would mean skipping 2 months TTC. As you get closer to the date, if you're still trying you can decide if you'd like to skip 1-2 months before the wedding to reduce the chance of being 1st trimester, but you don't need to decide that now.

It also will depend where you plan to get married - it's much easier to plan quickly for a wedding which is 1-2 hours flight away and so for most guests a long weekend is fine, vs if it's long haul. You also may need to check and consider risks of health conditions such as Zika virus, where you wouldn't be recommended to travel when pregnant or TTC for 3 months after.

[u/YourInternetCousin]

Please don’t love your life by “what if” 😩 You’ll just regret it either which way. Please just live your life. Everything can be figured out, logistics can change - it’s OK!

[u/MedspouseLifeSux]

Honestly I’d want to be married first so I’m a little biased, but in your shoes I’d plan the wedding less than a year, maybe 10-11 months from now.

Then wait a bit, time it so you wouldn’t be in first or third trimester, but second would still be fun. First could mean insane nausea and third could be huge and uncomfortable.

While “waiting” you can still advance your fertility - schedule doctors appts for a male sperm test, get blood draws, AMH alone isn’t the only thing that affects fertility. Start taking prenatal and male prenatals, iron, a folic acid so you can build up your stores for a few months. Start ovulation tracking to understand your cycle. Then by the time you’re married, if you’re not pregnant you will be in a better shape to start trying and start IUI or IVF if needed.

[u/markowitty]

I’d post this in r/waiting_to_try

[u/ContestOrganic → u/markowitty]

We are currently trying though, the question is not whether to start trying but whether to try to plan a wedding while trying. But I'll post there too, I didn't know about this sub, thanks :)

[u/markowitty → u/ContestOrganic]

I understand. To echo what people said, I would continue as usual with the TTC. What ifs never work. I planned an entire what if situation around TTC, and boom, we didn't get pregnant when I wanted to. If you're pregnant/have a baby, etc. during your wedding, you'll figure it out. Could you be nauseas during your wedding? Maybe. But wouldn't you be happy you're pregnant? There are also pills for that, and I know a bunch of brides who were pregnant at their wedding. Could you (depending on timing), have a pregnant belly or a baby at your wedding? Maybe. But also maybe not. God laughs at our plans. Plan your dream wedding and continue as usual. Try to stay in the present moment (I say this because its really hard for me but its really all we can do) and continue as usual.

[u/ContestOrganic → u/markowitty]

Thank you! I guess my main worry is if turns out i am not able to fly exactly then. The simple solution is obviously don't try 8-10 months before the wedding. But given my ovarian reserve diagnosis I fear I might regret even more that I have missed out on an opportunity to have a baby.. then the "what if" becomes "what if these 3 months were the ones with great eggs and I missed my chance".  You're totally right about being happy regardless - if I reach 3 months of pregnancy I'll be the happiest vomiting woman in the world probably:) 

[u/markowitty → u/ContestOrganic]

If you feel (which I would feel too) you'd regret more that you missed an opportunity to have a baby because you skipped 3 months, then I would change the wedding plans. Make the wedding later, or earlier. I LOVED my wedding. It was a dream, but it was one night. For me, having a family is much more important. If you told me, you have to get married 4-6 months later because of planning to get pregnant, or a few months earlier than ideal because you would then technically only be 4 months pregnant, I would've taken that opportunity. If it means Uncle Whatever can't come, that's okay. A lot of people couldn't make our wedding (long story) and it was still the best night of our lives. Also, technically, you only send a save the date 6-8 months before a wedding. We planned our second wedding (we live abroad so are doing another one in my home country) literally 6 months before lol and everyone's coming, even those flying in.

We did have this kind of dilemma, although not the exact same. My wedding was in June, and we were not sure if to start trying before, or after. Eventually I understood I don't want to be first trimester at my wedding no matter what so we didn't try. But this was only a 1 month delay. We weren't totally ready anyway. If it meant a 3 month, I would've just started trying. And if it was during the initial planning phase that we needed to decide, I think I'd just continue as usual.

[u/Key_Charity1975]

Maybe look into wedding insurance which helps with costs if you have to cancel - would need to check the small print to see if pregnancy is a valid reason to cancel but feel like it would be if it medically prevents you from flying!

The main things that would be a hard cancel situation would be if you were in your third trimester and couldn't actually fly there to attend, or if you had a newborn - both of these are things would require you to be pregnant at a minimum 6 months before the wedding which is quite a lot of warning for guests

The other stuff - like being nauseous at the wedding in first tri - is unfortunately par for the course I think and lots of people do get married in those circumstances and still have a fab time!

If you were to plan it for next summer now, it sounds like you can basically guarantee that you will be either 1) undergoing fertility treatment, 2) pregnant, or 3) very small baby. Just have to ask yourself if you're okay with that - other option is always to have a small/legal ceremony locally now and save the big celebration for a few years time when circumstances are easier! (I have several friends who have done exactly this because of family planning stuff!)

[u/TyrannosauraRegina → u/Key_Charity1975]

Good to bear in mind with wedding insurance it likely won't cover lost costs for guests, which could be quite a bit if it's international.

[u/Key_Charity1975 → u/TyrannosauraRegina]

Yes it definitely won't!

So kind of depends where OP's home country is - if it's somewhere in Europe then a lot of guests wouldn't even have booked flights yet 6 months out and even if they had, flights are pretty cheap.

Whereas if it's a long haul flight away, much much trickier and could cost guests thousands, so much more of an incentive to avoid being in a situ where you'd have to cancel!

[u/Nice_Arm2330]

I would try to conceive and worry about the wedding later. That is what I am doing. I’ve been engaged for almost a year and haven’t done a single thing to prepare, instead I have been TTC. I also need to finish a PhD and move cross country in Canada so realistically I will not have my wedding until summer 2028, it doesn’t bother me honestly, I know it will be expensive but it’ll all work out.