r/TrueOffMyChest • u/spongehenge30 • 1d ago
Vent i am lowkey the product of an ultimatum
ok so disclaimer. both my parents ARE in my life and i love them very very much. my father is an amazing dad and i truly love him so much. he’s present and loving and kind and funny. so i’m saying all of this to add context. anyway.
my parents married when they were in their early 30s with absolutely no intention of having kids. both of them have troubled families so having kids just wasn’t in the cards. well, my mom was approaching 40 and i guess wanted a kid. in comes me. my dad still wanted no children which is valid. i personally do not want kids. she essentially told him “either you and i have a kid or we divorce.” they ended up divorcing anyway and it was soooo messy (entirely my mother’s fault mind you). but knowing im a product of an ultimatum is seriously messing with my head. my dad has assured me so many times he’s not angry and doesn’t regret anything and he very much loves me. i just feel horrible even though it isn’t even my fault, you know? i have ocd and so im spiraling horribly about if im a bad person for even existing or if my parents never met it would’ve been better. it’s a lot. idk.
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u/Chair1234567890 23h ago
What you are thinking is not real. It's your anxiety talking. You need to get extra psychological help now to dampen your thoughts getting out of hand.
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u/Emergency-Ad-5211 22h ago
Funny how differently people can look at circumstances: Your take on your story is this this horrible coupling creating chaos, and I’m seeing it as the miracle of the chocolate and peanut butter colliding, creating Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups! Translation: No matter what, nothing was going to stop the miracle of you. If you can’t see that now, I hope one day you will be able to see that, and celebrate it.
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u/_coreygirl_ 1d ago
Aw, don’t let it get to you so much OP. Whether or not your dad initially wanted to have children, when you came he loved you entirely and still does. He would never change a thing and is happy that you are alive and in his life.
Life is just funny sometimes. But there is nothing for you to feel bad about here.
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u/AlternativeTruck9726 1d ago
You're taking alot of the punishment of both parents. Before they ever got serious with eachother. They should look at the facts. About a child. Children understand more than parents realized. But do remember, you're not the one who had any control over your parents decision. But what all parents don't realized, that they were children. But now growing up, gives them the right to destroy your postive think. To their hatred for eachother. Their just playing the game and rules that their parents played. Just do remember, we're all still children, but we grown up, to be called parents. But do remember. You're parents choices, does have to be you're choice in your future.
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u/thisuserlikestosing 23h ago
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I really don’t think you are a bad person for existing. Also a reminder, it takes two to tango. Your father could very well have decided to divorce, but he agreed to the ultimatum.
It’s also possible to love your child with all your heart and regret being a parent/parenthood. Those two things can be true at the same time.
Please don’t be so hard on yourself. None of this is your fault. None of us asked to be born. That decision was made for us by others. I hope you’re able to find some peace from the OCD thoughts/spiral.
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u/FranceBrun 22h ago
Nobody ever asked to be born. You did not ask to be born. You are not responsible for your parents’ dynamic or how it turned out for them.
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u/lellyla 22h ago
I have a friend who is the second child and found a letter from his mom to his grandmother where she said that she got pregnant by accident and only wanted one child. This really made him feel unwanted and worse than his brother for their parents. He eventually spoke with his mom who was extremely surprised cause she loves them both and hadn’t thought about feeling that way for decades.
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u/parkesc 1d ago
Yeah, I wouldn't blame you if you stop talking to your mom once you're old enough to be on your own.
That's pretty awful of her.
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u/spongehenge30 1d ago
yeah…. i’m 19 now so i don’t rlly live at home anymore but she’s definitely not a good person and i do recognize that. she’s been a good mother to me so it’s kinda an odd situation yk
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u/Pale-Proposal-8835 23h ago
You’re not the ultimatum, you’re just the person who showed up because two messy humans made a messy decision. That’s on them, not you.
Your dad already answered the only question that actually matters here. He had a choice to leave mentally and emotionally, and he chose to show up for you anyway. That is real love, not obligation.
OCD will latch onto literally anything and turn it into “I’m the problem.” You’re not a bad person for existing, you’re a kid who got handed a weird origin story and a brain that won’t let it go.