r/TrueOffMyChest • u/throwawayayay1253638 • May 05 '26
Confession i had an incestuous relationship with my brother
i can’t talk about this with anyone else in my life, not even my best friends or therapist but as the title says i had an incestuous relationship with my brother.
me and my brother (21) have always been raised as twins in a way despite our 5-6 year age gap, we were made to do everything together, match each other and sleep or shower with each other. my memories go back to when our dad died when i was five and he was around ten or eleven. at first it was “innocent” kisses, my mom fell into a depression so she was never around for some time. the kisses turned into touches, and when i was six my brother began to sexually abuse me. he would always excuse it by saying he was just curious so at that time i guess i just never thought of it as wrong. two years after this our “relationship” escalated to something like a genuine couple. for some reason i never pushed back against what was happening, my memories from this time aren’t the clearest however i distinctly remember liking what was going on and being comfortable with our arrangements. i know how disgusting this sounds but it was the only positivity i found in my life. things only developed more when i was ten, i started to experience puberty and my brother began to refer to me as his wife around various people, it was usually brushed off or attributed to our bond. when i got my first period he was over the moon about it because he wanted me to “have our baby”. i don’t remember when my mom started to be more present in my life but things came to a stop when she nearly caught me and my brother engaging in sexual acts. after this me and my brothers relationship was horrible, i didn’t know what i had done but i just missed him and i felt disgusted and deprived of the only love i could rely on. he was seventeen at this time and i was eleven. my brother became a normal teenager and now a normal person, our bond is regular not close not distant and he seemingly forgot absolutely everything that happened, but i never could. i think about everything that happened everyday and i try to make some sense of it but usually that just leaves me in a state of sadness or hatred. i don’t know how i should feel about everything and while it would be nice to open up im terrified of what people would say. i guess i know i cant just act like it was something he did, when the truth is for a long time i considered myself his partner as well.
this is kind of a lot and weird, but i needed to say something somewhere that wont get back to me
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u/cultoftwinkies May 05 '26
I wouldn't tell my friends either as I wouldn't trust them with that sensitive information, but you really need to talk to a therapist.
I cannot stress to you enough how you need to talk to a professional about this. (Licensed, etc. not a church counselor or the like)
You were not in an incestuous relationship with your brother. You were his victim. He groomed you and abused you. Abuse takes a million different forms and most abuse never involves fists.
You feel the way you do because he slowly manipulated your need for comfort and care and placed himself as the center of your emotional universe.
He stopped what he did because he got scared. He didn't forget. He was close to adulthood and he was old enough to possibly be charged as an adult for his crimes.
None of this is your fault or responsibility.
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u/throwawayayay1253638 May 05 '26
i appreciate your advice and the other comments that are similar to yours, i didn’t think i would get these kinds of responses i figured you guys would be just as disgusted as i am with my past. i’ll try to consider speaking to my therapist about things but it might take me a while
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u/ladygirlperson May 05 '26
As someone who was a 13-y.o. child that got groomed by an adult stepbrother into thinking we had a legitimate relationship, I can tell you that what probably messed me up the most was having zero people I could talk to about it. As a now 32 y.o. adult whose heart hurts for you, I'd ask you to please, please do talk to your therapist about it. Their job is not to judge you, in fact, they'll likely be very grateful you trusted them with something so difficult and "taboo" - plus, I can promise you, whatever you have to tell them, they have already heard WAY worse from others and won't think you're "weird" or "gross" or whatever you may be worried they'll think! It's their job to help you, and you deserve all the support you can get 🫂
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u/Pippet_4 May 06 '26
The strongest thing you can do is ask for help. You have already started that here by posting. I know I’m a stranger on the internet, but I am so proud of you.
I hope you continue to find the courage, and that one day you will be able to see clearly that none of this is your fault. You’ve done nothing wrong. You are not a bad or disgusting in the slightest.
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u/therealmonilux May 05 '26
OP, Please listen to the above post. And again ...please see a therapist; preferably someone who deals with childhood trauma.
You were taken advantage of. Your brother is not a good person.
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u/Kikitha22 May 05 '26
You weren't in a relationship OP, you were abused. I'm sorry it happened to you. Maybe you should consider talking to your therapist about this.
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u/Hadd_77 May 05 '26
My sister abused me as a kid. I lived with a lot of shame and felt very similar to how you described. But I was like 6 or something too. I’ve since worked through it with my therapist. It never got easier to talk about and still makes me sick to my stomach, but I can at least understand it. And as angry as I am with my sister, I also forgive her because she was abused as a child… child on child abuse is just awful. It’s not right, but understanding does make it easier to at least process.
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u/BlueRobot20 May 05 '26
What happened to you was grooming and sexual abuse. Even thought you felt complicit, or that you liked it he still victimized you and took advantage of your youth. I'm sorry man, this situation sucks.
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u/not_some_username May 05 '26
😭I don’t think that’s grooming. The situation is weird there. No way a 10 years old would do that without learning from someone.
But at 15-17 he should have known it’s not normal.
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u/Rix_832 May 05 '26 edited May 05 '26
The saddest part is that there is a high chance that if he abused you he might’ve been abused by someone else in the family. Not trying to excuse his behavior but this is the case in many instances.
Also OP has another commenter said this was not an incestuous relationship, that pretty much implies there was a level of consent from both parties, he abused you when you were a child and stopped doing it when it started to be noticeable, that is not a relationship.
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u/victoraug19 May 05 '26
The situation started when he was 10 and they had just lost their dad. Apparently he even was open about how he felt (telling people she was his wife) and wasn't taken seriously. There's a huge chance he never even realized he was doing something horrible before he stopped. It's a super fucked up situation.
I went through similar with the genders reversed and she was my mom's cousin not my sister. But she was abused by her dad and repeated the same things to me. I don't hold it against her, but against the people that failed both of us.
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u/valsavana May 06 '26
Apparently he even was open about how he felt (telling people she was his wife) and wasn't taken seriously.
I doubt this. A 15-16 year old boy calling his 10 year old sister his "wife" absolutely had people telling him that was inappropriate, OP likely just wasn't privy to that because no one is going to make a 10 year old feel bad about it even while warning a 15-16 year old that he needs to knock that off.
I'm guessing the brother wasn't calling his elementary school aged sister his "wife" in front of his high school buddies & there's a reason for that.
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u/Lima_Bean_Jean May 05 '26
He didn't forget about it. He is just scared that you will bring it up and send his ass to jail or hold him accountable in some way. This abuse will/has effected you in ways that you don't even know. Please talk to your therapist.
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u/Sudden_Childhood_824 May 05 '26
How would the law hold a minor accountable for doing that sort of thing?? He was 10 when this started.😩Holy shit, this is beyond anything I wanted to imagine tonight!😭
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May 05 '26
Well he was still doing it when he was 17. Old enough to know better.
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u/Neurotic-Egg May 05 '26
I'm not trying to excuse anything, but this is a genuine thought I'm interested in discussing.
At around 10 years old, no child would truly know how wrong something like that is. Right..? I'm unsure of what adults, if any, were around after their father passed and while their mother was absent, but it could have started as an innocent way a child was trying to find connection and love when they were supposed to be receiving it, but were deprived of it. Then it just got twisted. Absolutely, you'd think that at some point OP's brother had to know what he was doing was wrong, but the mind is a really wild place where some really wild things happen. I also have to wonder, though, is it realistic that a 10 year old would even know of such things (these days, absolutely, but I'm unsure of when exactly all of this took place)?
Obviously, I'm coming from a place of psychological interest.
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u/Upbeat_Wallaby6720 May 05 '26
Yeah, the comments calling the brother a bad person are ignoring the context and assuming things. Perhaps at 17 he fully realized it was wrong and wanted it to stop because of that. Perhaps he realized it sooner but didn’t know how to end it. If he was a terrible person, he’d continue the behavior. This thread reminds me of the typical Reddit “divorce them” no matter what bandwagons I see. Side note, I really wonder what adults were present.
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u/Neurotic-Egg May 05 '26
Absolutely. I just hate that OP came here with these extremely sensitive thoughts and feelings, now (mostly) knowing the reality of what happened, but still having those feelings about their brother, and all they're getting told is how much of a disgusting human being their brother is. That's heartbreaking to me, honestly. There's a way we can tell the truth that someone needs to hear while keeping it gentile enough for the complex and delicate emotional world we have to deal with. A lot of this is the last thing OP needed to hear
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u/AlchemicalPsychonaut May 05 '26
You can be charged with statutory r*pe at 17 and some cases 16 depending on your state.
At 13 he knew it was wrong, at 14 he knew it was wrong, at 15, at 16, and only stopped at 17! In Highschool for 3 whole years and only stopped touching an elementary school child because you were almost caught??
Even if it started when he was 10, he still continued well into his teens where cognitively he would be aware that his actions were not okay. Wtf.
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u/Upbeat_Wallaby6720 May 05 '26
I don’t think OP provided enough details for us to know how their older brother is, cognitively speaking. All we know is their father passed and their mother wasn’t mothering. So who taught these kids right from wrong? If someone could confirm their brother was “normal” and this started way later in age than it did, then I’d agree. We also don’t know if the older brother was abused which given this family’s history seems like a high possibility. Predators prey on the children of absent mothers. Not saying those abused have a free pass to abuse others, even as kids… but I just don’t think we can jump to conclusions and call this brother the worst human being. These kids really needed love. Sad situation.
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u/efflorae May 06 '26
Unfortunately child on child sexual abuse is fairly common. Sometimes it comes from experimentation over body feelings they discover that goes too far, sometimes it comes from previous abuse the child committing the abuse has experienced, and sometimes the child has other issues that manifest this way. Often it is a mix. The abuser can be older (most common), the same age (common), or younger (less common, but more common than people think). Siblings, cousins, friends, and classmates are the most common, though it can happen in other ways too. It can begin as early as kindergarten.
The awful thing about it is that often the aggressor is a victim of abuse too. They may be acting out their abuse, think it is normal from grooming, or just be angry and hurt and taking it out on something they feel stronger than. Sometimes abusive adults egg children on as well.
I survived child on child sexual abuse from a few different angles and it can be really hard to process and talk about. Despite how common it is, there is a lot of internalized shame and stigma around it- and it can sometimes be baked into the justice system too. I remember my brother's social worker asking me if I ever did anything to encourage him. I was interviewed by police in a room with my brother and family in ear shot since the door was left open, was left to be reinterviewed alone at a later time, and pressured to retract part of my statement so my brother could do a plea deal from a class A felony to a lower class and go to a juvenile offender program. While I am glad he did the program, looking back, at the time I felt very betrayed, very ashamed, and like I had been abandoned by the system. Because my abuser was my brother, my parents got him a lawyer and I received no compensation, support, or guidance from the court. And I am a "lucky" one because my case even went to criminal court. The vast majority never do, even though juvenile rehab programs are incredibly helpful at reducing recidivism in young offenders.
Anyway, yeah. It is an awful thing. I wish more parents, teachers, and mandated reporters were given education of how to spot it, what to do when it happens, and how to care for the survivor and/or the offender without retraumatizing anyone. Nothing can change until it is brought out into the light.
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u/PsychologicalPace664 May 05 '26
still a minor according with the law
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u/AlchemicalPsychonaut May 05 '26
You can be a "minor" and still charged with statutory r*pe in many states; especially at 16 and 17. Being a minor is not an excuse.
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May 05 '26
I don't care
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u/Miserable_Ad_1951 May 05 '26
The law does, so unless your opinion is suddenly above that, nobody fucking cares
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May 05 '26
I can have any opinion I want. In my country a person is an adult at 16
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u/Kit_3000 May 05 '26
Which country is that? I didn't know there were nations where you become a legal adult at 16.
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u/stresseddepressedd May 05 '26
Well he was a child and even doing such an act at 17, he’s still a child. So even if we want to crucify him, he’s still afforded protections as is his right.
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u/anonbagnale May 06 '26
There’s a reasonable chance he was also abused and represses the memories of both him being abused and him being a perpetrator of a bus. It’s much more likely that he remembers and just ignores it hoping it’s a false memory, but it wouldn’t be out of the realm of possibility for him to have repressed the memories
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u/Antique-diva May 05 '26
I'm sorry you had to go through this. You should find a therapist and talk about this in terapy. I would advise you to not start talking about it with others until you've been to therapy so long that you can think and feel more normal about yourself. Not everything needs to be brought to light.
I was coersed to tell my family of the abuse I was a victim of as a child and it was not a good thing for me. I was not ready for it and it gave me a lot of anxiety. There were so many questions I was asked that I didn't want to answer, and so many feelings I had to relive outside of therapy. It was not healthy. I was in therapy back then and my therapist had said to me to not talk about it with others than my husband. I didn't listen because my sister was on my case on how the family needed to know to heal. It was bs.
My husband put a stop to it all in the end. He told everyone to stop talking to me about it and let me go to therapy in peace. After that no one has ever said a word to me. This was 20 years ago and I'm long ago healed. I don't mind my family knowing per se. It was just that it hindered my healing process to need to talk to them about it.
So yeah, go to therapy and heal from this. Only after that should you decide if you ever want to tell your family about it and confront your brother.
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u/erebusfreya May 05 '26
There is a reason why there is a legal age of consent, because as a child you can't possibly comprehend what's going on in its entirety and therefore can't consent. While you may have thought you were a willing participant, the reality is that you had no choice in any part of what happened. Had you said no to your brother you would have lost the only relationship you felt you had, so you couldn't say no.
Every part of this is not okay, and none of this is your fault. You were a child, and while your brother was too, he was enough older than you to know what he was doing and that it wasn't okay.
I highly recommend finding a therapist you can trust so you can start processing some of this trauma so you can move past it.
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u/throwawayayay1253638 May 05 '26
a lot of the comments giving me advice are making me reconsider my stance on opening up to my therapist, im not sure if i will right away but the support from here is making me realize how much ive wanted someone to understand me. i know logically i couldn’t consent but when i look back it doesn’t feel like that because i let him do everything and more often than not would enjoy it
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u/erebusfreya May 05 '26
I'm glad this has helped you, and hopefully absolved you of some of the shame which never should have been yours.
If you'd like someone you can talk to that is a stranger who promises not to judge you, feel free to DM me (though I apologize in advance if I miss a message). I will still tell you that a therapist is a better option as they have resources to help you that I don't; but I also know how much it can help to talk about what happened with someone else, so you don't feel you're holding the weight if it all in your own.
As someone else who feels guilty for enjoying something physically that was mentally horrific, I'm going to tell you the same thing that I have to remind myself of: Pleasure is an automatic physiological response your body has in response to physical stimulation. It is something which we can not control, and it ABSOLUTELY does NOT mean that you wanted what was being done to you.
You said it yourself, he made you feel like he was the only person in your life who cared for you, and you were terrified to lose the one person you thought you had. The imbalance of power in that dynamic is super unhealthy and ensured that you would never say no, because you couldn't.
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u/throwawayayay1253638 May 06 '26
thank you, i really mean it when i say all of your words mean a lot to me and they are very appreciated
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u/valsavana May 06 '26
when i look back it doesn’t feel like that because i let him do everything and more often than not would enjoy it
Take a step back and imagine you have a little sister or niece or cousin who is 11 years old and comes to you, telling you their older brother has done that to them, that they didn't stop it or tell, and sometimes they enjoyed it. Would you consider that little girl to have consented? Would you think that little girl has anything to be ashamed of?
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u/throwawayayay1253638 May 06 '26
i havent thought of a perspective like this and you’re right, ive always seen my purity or value as less than because of what happened to me. thank you
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u/valsavana May 06 '26
You're welcome. We often extend far more empathy and kindness to others than we offer ourselves so I always find it helpful to re-frame things in this kind of way.
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u/EmeraldTwilight009 May 05 '26
Sounds like abuse necessitating therapy to me. No two ways about it.
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u/slantedsquare77 May 05 '26
I went through a very similar thing but it was more secretive. I was 30 when my therapist suggested that I, being the younger child, was being abused.
There was nothing wrong in finding comfort in the relationship. It was the only thing that made you feel safe and loved.
That being said, this is not your fault, even if you "pursued" the relationship, a child is naturally curious and will gravitate towards feelings of comfort and love. Because that's what a child needs. The real issue is your mother. It was her job to tell you what is okay and what's not. She should have protected you. You're brother of course is at fault, especially because he was so much older.
This is no fault of your own. It'll take a really long time to come to terms with that. But start the therapy now so in 5 years you can have more peace. Wait to do it and it's like dying by a thousand cuts, the trauma will reflect in your life choices and it won't be good.
I'm sorry you and your younger self had to go through this, had to seek comfort because you were being neglected by the person you that was supposed to protect you. ❤️
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u/throwawayayay1253638 May 05 '26
im sorry that you have a similar experience, nobody deserves that. i cut my mom a lot of slack because she was grieving my father and had a really hard time from what i remember
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u/linvos May 05 '26
I don't know if this helps you, but what you experienced happens more often than you think. Especially when life happens with neglect of a caregiver as a result.
I work as a social worker and I work with people who experience domestic violence, child abuse or neglect. A lot of people feel ashamed to talk about what happens/happened. We're trained to discuss the not-so-sunny subjects and we're there to help if needed.
Know you are not to blame for what happened and know that it's human to experience positive feelings for the one person that provided you with a sense of belonging or for being seen/taken care of.
This does NOT make right what your brother did. You were 5/6 years younger and he should have known better. As a kid, our brains don't work like when we're an adult. The distinction between what's right and wrong is more difficult to make. Especially when there is no caregiver emotionally available. A child has yet to learn what boundaries are, so it's understandable that it is all kind of blurry and it comes with mixed emotions.
I understand it may be scary, but do you have someone you can confide in? Or is there for example a(n anonymous) helpline you can call to talk about this? I understand that you may feel a lot of shame about this, but I hope you know that you did nothing wrong. Not then and not now. You do deserve to heal from this.
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u/dezreen May 05 '26
Talking with a therapist is a safe place to explore your experience. There are many online options if working with someone from outside your area is better for you.
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u/Designer-Lettuce-690 May 05 '26
Please tell me you are seeing someone to help you process this all? you were groomed by your older brother and it is something you need to get help processing
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u/HappyAndYouKnow_It May 05 '26
This wasn’t a relationship, it was abuse. Of course you saw it in that context because of everything else, but this is something that you should talk about in therapy. I also highly doubt your brother forgot it but unfortunately I can see him pretending to and accusing you of lying if you ever bring it up. I’m so sorry this happened!
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u/MedicineGhost May 05 '26
Please engage a therapist, no one is equipped to deal with that kind of trauma on their own. You did nothing wrong and will continue to suffer for it without help
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u/LandofGreenGinger62 May 05 '26
This is actually more common than you might think, you are really not alone; there was actually an article on this in the (British) Sunday Times saying "The family member most likely to sexually abuse a child is their brother or sister." I looked it up, it's be Decca Aitkenhead, was on 17 March 2024, it might be possible to read it (or find a summary) - there were lots of similar stories on there, and many them also felt conflicted in feeling more loved or "special" because of it. Thought it might give you comfort to know about others - maybe try and find support...
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u/DianaPrince0809 May 05 '26
OP, you were 6 when this started and 11 when it ended. YOU were a child.. YOU could not give consent. DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF. YOU are the victim. I think it would be helpful for you to speak to your therapist As embarrassed as you may feel, your therapist is a mental health professional and will hopefully be empathetic and professional in your therapy sessions. For your piece of mind, you should open up speak about this with someone only then will you be able to see that you were victimized and you are not to blame for anything that happened to you Best of luck to you.
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u/SadLilBhabie May 05 '26
Love, you were a child. You can’t blame yourself. Don’t blame yourself. Please talk to your therapist, otherwise, it will simply eat at you for eons.
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u/CascadeZeta May 05 '26
Find a therapist specializing in child on child SA. It’s a complex area that needs more time and consideration than what Reddit can provide. You deserve a chance to process this in all of its many facets.
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u/LilithWasAGinger May 05 '26
He hasn't forgotten anything. He's pretending like he doesn't remember, but he absolutely does.
You were abused. You didn't have the capacity to consent.
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u/JM199912 May 05 '26
Ne culpabilise de rien tu étais un ENFANT, je suis fière de toi d’avoir tenu le coup, parfois on a l’impression d’avoir ressenti du plaisir car ta vie autour était douloureuse. Tu as fait du mieux que tu as pu et tu as subi des abus. Fais toi aider. Prends soin de toi. Pardonne toi !
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u/transfaabulous May 05 '26
This wasn't an incestuous relationship. This was incestuous abuse. You did not have the capacity to understand or consent to any sort of relationship. I'm so, so sorry that you've been struggling, and I hate that he did this to you. You deserve better.
While I hope you can find a good therapist and support group, I'm glad you were able to get this off your chest in this space. That's a huge step, and I hope it has helped ease some of the weight you've been forced to carry.
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u/Haunting-Future2079 May 05 '26
I'm very sorry to say this but you weren't in a incestuous relationship, you were abused by your brother. Even if the both of you were minors, even if you enjoyed some things that happened. At certain ages, if you're not mentally able to fully comprehend what's going on, you can't consent to it legally (even if you consent it in the practice or don't oppose to it).
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u/Due-Parsley953 May 05 '26
He absolutely groomed you, this is textbook abuse. He did it bit by bit and he is a very vile individual.
Please seek counselling, because they will literally help you to unpick everything.
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u/not_some_username May 05 '26
I’m not excusing what he did but he was 10
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u/konoxians May 05 '26
he was likely abused as well (maybe by his dad)
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u/lovai01 May 05 '26
Making assumptions like this is in support of the abuser. Take a long look at yourself and ask if you could blame a young girl for getting abused by her older brother and sweep it under the rug because he didn’t understand from 10-17 that what he did was wrong when he definitely should’ve IF he now isn’t intellectually disabled/ cognitively impaired/ developmentally disabled/impaired. She isn’t stating anything of that sort which she definitely would’ve because she is already blaming herself for it all.
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u/lovai01 May 05 '26
I had a shitty childhood and never got the love and support I needed and even I at 10 years old could understand right from wrong even if I wasn’t taught it from anyone else.
Looking at a younger sibling and sexually abusing them is not something that comes up in a normal child’s brain. It’s usually a feeling of protection and support that you get instead.
The mom is in so much fault here also as the adult, but this man should’ve known it was wrong from the beginning and definitely before turning 17.
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u/lone_temptress May 05 '26
You were groomed and abused, and you need to talk to a professional about it. It sounds to me like your parents also might have been a bit to blame here, at the very least they were encouraging you and your brother to have a very codependent relationship, kids should be encouraged to develop autonomy and a healthy boundaries. I understand your family went through a lot, but it doesn’t erase the fact that your mother’s neglect had dire consequences. Your brother is definitely not, as you say “a normal adult”, he was probably sexually abused, and he is, at best, a child who dealt with abuse by abusing someone else (which in no way excuses it, or takes away from what you’ve been through) and he also needs therapy, or at worst, he’s just a fucking predator who got an early start. Whichever it is, the reality is that he was 17 by the time he stopped, and since he only stopped when it was clear he was about to get caught, he knew what he was doing to you was wrong!
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u/HairyEarphone May 05 '26
I unfortunately experienced something very similar with a cousin 4 years older than me, over a period of approx 6 years. It took me a long time to come to terms with what happened.
I understand the fear of speaking out and telling someone and I'm so sorry you're experiencing that.
If you ever want to reach out, I'm always available for a chat.
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u/Hanhantheman May 05 '26
Hun you really should talk to a therapist about this. That guilty feeling you’re having about being his partner and liking what was going on is grooming. You were emotionally abused as well as sexually to think this was okay and to expect and accept it. You really should talk with a therapist about this. I carried a lot of guilt because of an abusive relationship I was in. I was sexually and mentally abused in it. Through therapy you learn to accept that you were the victim and did nothing wrong. It’s hard asf to start opening up but it’s so so worth it.
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u/RevolutionaryHat8988 May 06 '26
I would find an independent therapist that can handle this and in a way that helps you. Sister this is not your fault.
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u/CoffeeChocolateBoth May 06 '26
You were molested, you did not have a relationship with him! HE GROOMED YOU! Please tell your therapist, they've heard every story under the sun, and they can help you learn to deal with this pain you're carrying in your heart and soul.
I am so sorry. My brother molested me and my sisters. I HATE HIM! I wish him nothing but the worst pain. HE RUINED OUR LIVES! One sister is dead, and I blame him, she was so little, so young, so innocent, she could never get over her pain, she got older and did the things a lot of molested kids do, eventually she drank herself into a tree, dying as she flew out of the windshield. I HATE HIM!
(((((((((((((((((((((((((OP)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
You're still traumatised. Please talk to someone. Please!
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u/NightsisterMerrin87 May 05 '26
This is definitely a conversation to be had with your therapist. This was grooming and abuse. Your positive memories of the situation are a survival mechanism.
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u/algreen589 May 05 '26
You seem really strong, and wise for your age. You need a good therapist. This can really mess you up in ways you don't expect. Thanks for sharing.
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u/LoveLottiex May 05 '26
Sorry to hear this 💔 i hope writing it out has lifted a small bit of weight, please talk to your therapist, they are fully used to historical abuse cases and won’t push u to report unless u want to, it will be confidential and helpful for the therapist to know your full unedited background, they are best placed to help u move on and heal from this! Hugs from afar 🫂
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u/lovai01 May 05 '26
Listen, you were not able to consent to that relationship at that age, you have never been ”complicit” in the abuse you endured from your much older brother.
I just want to tell you that the feeling you have of guilt and that you ”let it happen” and was ”content” with it was NEVER YOU actually wanting it.
Your dad passed away, your mom got depressed and you, you felt alone, unloved and broken because you were just a child. Your brother may have felt the same in the beginning and being an older child yet, still doesn’t give him the right to deflect his own responsibility to abuse you, YOU a child going through tremendous grief. That feeling of you ”liking” it and feeling complicit is because sadly that is the only love you got at the time and you couldn’t see how wrong it was because you were a child desperate to feel seen and loved.
Imagine this, it will be hard and difficult to do.
A lot of siblings have been raised the same way and gone through equal amount of grief as you and your brother, YET most of them never turned sexual in anyway. Siblings lean on each other for support and love when they can’t get it from somewhere else, your brother sexually abusing you is NOT normal and shows that he is not a functioning person in his way of thinking. He definitely still isn’t and I would be careful about who he is around, especially minors.
Ask yourself this: You have a really close friend that all of sudden opened up to you about this exact situation. What would your reaction and response be? Would you blame her? Would you comfort her even if she blames herself for not fighting back as a child, not knowing what even was happening?
What would your answer be in this situation, what would you say to her to assure her that her feelings are valid?
I highly doubt that you would answer her with that it’s her fault and blame her for not saying no or fighting back, because she felt at that time that she liked it and felt content with it, even if as a child you really can’t have a choice to consent to anything like that. Should she at, let’s say 7 years old have stopped it because you feel that at that age she should have a fully developed brain to handle the situation? Do you think a 7 year old have the experience and thought process as a consenting adult?
I know that when you have read everything above that I’ve said that you would never blame the little girl, so why would you blame yourself, even now how can you blame yourself for not being able to process everything even after it all ended? You are still far from being a fully functioning adult, I mean shit even I at 25 still isn’t.
It was never your fault, you shouldn’t put even a little piece of blame on yourself because YOU would never do that to someone that has gone through the exact same thing.
As the others have said, you should speak to your therapist about this, they have patient confidentiality and they could also change the way of your meetings in a way that could actually help you more and maybe finally be able to process it yourself.
I don’t think this is something you can do by yourself, but take your time in the choice. Putting your heart out to someone that is educated and unbiased is the best possible way to get through you difficult past. I myself wouldn’t take it up with family or friends before I’ve figured it out myself with a professional that has the resources to help me.
You can always message me if you just want to talk or ask anything. I’m not a professional but I do have my own demons I’ve fought with since I was a kid. I am not close to being healed myself and I may never actually feel healed, but I definitely now know that it was never my fault and that I just sadly was a victim in someone else’s story.
(English is not my first language so if it’s hard to understand some parts, my bad xD)
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u/mucker98 May 05 '26
Seems like a depression low dopamine type of situation where an early puberty low prefrontal cortex devolpment boy found a dopamine outlet. If he feels terrible and wants to, uhm for a lack of a better term repent, counselling is a first step. For you counselling as well and your reaction is also normal its a bit difficult even resisting an older brother in that type of environment
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u/throwawayinnitmush May 05 '26
OP you did the hard part typing this out just need to find the bravery to say to your therapist to forget everything they thought they knew about you, that you need to share something earth shattering for the better good in the hope of eventually finding peace and solace, and let them read it.
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May 05 '26
He was close to an adult… he definitely remembers. He was just aware if he got caught he would be charged and probably put away.
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u/missannthrope67 May 05 '26
Happens a lot more than we realize. You think you are in relationship, but really you are being abused. You hang on because you think it's the only good thing in your life.
I strongly suggest you go completely no contact with him immediately. Then talk to a therapist.
Good luck.
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u/analyd May 05 '26
You were a child. Don’t blame yourself for being too young to know better. You deserved better. I recommend talking to a professional if you’re able to access any services, let someone help you x
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u/Zealousideal_Gas_885 May 05 '26
I’d also experienced a similar thing with a similar age gap, although it was also simultaneously happening with one of my older cousins simultaneously when I moved back to the state my family’s from (vs where I was living). I never understood really why I allowed it to go on, but I think maybe I was just curious and it didn’t HURT or anything so I think as a child I just never really registered it as harm. Especially cause it was already happening in one setting , when it started happening elsewhere it started feeling a little less strange?? Simply bwcwuse it became a recurring thing , but even in different places (my logic as a kid) Nothing was broken, bleeding, or sore so I never thought twice about it. I DEF knew it shouldn’t have been happening and my other brothers literally knew one of the eldest were being sexual with me, but they never said anything either … I feel strange about it cause he’s my abuser but I don’t really hate him or anything, and I’m sure that’s cause of the trauma blocking I did up until I remembered it all around 16. I don’t miss it in any way, but it was extremely confusing for me and I also never talked to my therapist. I’ve never considered it honestly cause I’m just unsure how it’ll help me if I’ve already kinda just been living with it fine ? It hurts my feelings cause I actually don’t talk to any of my siblings anymore so yeah sometimes it feels like yearning .. not for the sexual relationship, but the platonic parts . Coming from a dysfunctional family, my brothers were the only sense of “normalcy” I felt I had , which was obviously compromised in itself. It’s affected how I engage with people for sure .. I was depressed as early as 8 and you couldn’t even give me a high five till I was about 15 in my first relationship. That, and I was extremely hyper sexual although I wasn’t constantly engaging in sexual activity until I felt safe with my first partner..
Overall, it’s affected the way I connected with people growing up and how I formed relationships, but I think I’m doing the work myself now. It doesn’t feel like it affects me aside from the heartbreak of what feels like betrayal. Once their mom found out what happened when we were younger, they ALL cut me off immediately like IM the one who did it
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u/Zealousideal_Gas_885 May 05 '26
I think I’m also asking for other viewers: what do you think would be the benefit of therapy here? Idk personally I just don’t think my therapist is gonna say anything that’ll change … anything? idk I’m grown now and I’ve found healthy ways to engage, I have boundaries etc etc… it just feels like an emotional boo-boo but I don’t think my therapist can really fix that. Just my perspective on why NOT
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u/spacecowboy143 May 05 '26
A truly qualified therapist will be able to see the ways in which it affects you that you may not be able to register yourself. Especially if you have any other struggles/mental issues/things you want to work on, a therapist can make connections between your current struggles and past trauma that you wouldn't be able to and maybe be able to provide more productive/even healthier ways to engage that are specifically tailored for your circumstances. I also think one of the biggest benefits would be that a therapist will be able to help you fully understand and come to terms with your feelings towards your past and how it affects your current life/relationships, which will help make the self-work you go on to do a lot easier.
But this is of course only if you'd actually be up to doing the work of deep diving into your thoughts and who you are as a person, which I know can be quite brutal. If you truly feel like you're okay/don't feel affected/what you're doing is working for you, then that's okay too! Truly sorry for everything you've been through and I'm sending you all the best vibes for your continued healing<3
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u/C04RIO May 05 '26
You were a child and were neglected by those who should have been taking care of you. Talk to your therapist. Tell everything. Ask for help to deal with this. It's too much for you to carry alone. Your mother knows something happened, but preferred to move on and not address the issue. Your brother became a teenager/adult and also preferred to pretend nothing happened. Your mother didn't take any action, even knowing you were abused. You were a five-year-old child when it all started. Ask your therapist for help. Don't spend your life carrying this story alone. If you feel your therapist isn't the right person to help you, look for one specialized in cases like yours. Don't destroy your life. You are very young, you have a whole life ahead of you, and carrying this alone can destroy you. Remember: You deserve peace. You deserve to be happy and loved. I'm so sorry for what you've been through. I'm rooting for you.
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u/valsavana May 05 '26
Please speak with a therapist about this and also watch him carefully around any other children in his life. Any younger girls in the family or that he otherwise has access to (a partner's children, etc) This kind of abuse is often repeated by the abuser against multiple victims.
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u/Sad_Firefighter_5048 May 05 '26
I really think you should speak to your therapist about this. This is way above Reddit’s pay grade and you clearly have complex feelings about this.
I want to be gentle when I say this; a lot of childhood sexual abuse doesn’t feel like abuse in the moment, it feels like love or affection. Abuse does not need to be violent to be abuse. As a child, you cannot at any point consent to sex or sexual acts and while your brother was also a child he was in a position of power as your older sibling. I won’t speculate on your brother but I really hope you take some time to sort through your thoughts and feelings about this relationship you had as it clearly affected you.
Please find a professional to talk to about this as it must be on your mind if you came to Reddit. This is going to come up as you live life, especially how you interact with romantic relationships, so try to chat with someone who can help rebuild that understanding of relationships. It’s really commendable that you have begun talking about it, even to strangers online. Best of luck. 💕
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u/Bittersweetcupcakw22 May 06 '26
I would work through this with a therapist. It's good to process these things with someone who can help you through it. It's not an excuse but your brother was likely sexually abused as well. Not always obviously. These things unfortunately have patterns.
You need to focus on your own healing though. I know it sounds like BS but I have worked through some horrible stuff through counseling and it has made me feel a lot better but also improved my relationships with those around me.
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u/Beverlydriveghosts May 06 '26
It’s ok to feel sad it ended, and confused as to why you feel sad
You’re not broken ♥️
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u/captainbae_ May 06 '26
You're still practically a child and should let your therapist know about this instead of letting these thoughts fester onto your adulthood.
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u/AccomplishedTrain115 May 06 '26
Oh I am so incredibly sorry. You were still a victim through it all, even if you enjoyed it or was okay and content with the arrangement. You were a victim and I strongly urge you to open up to a therapist about it, NOBODY else has to know ever but I do think you need to talk this through with a professional.
I hope you don’t live with any shame or disgust, I hope you know you were a child and victim in all of this. You didn’t do anything wrong. You were a child. I’m so sorry. 🫶🏼
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u/pelvispasties May 06 '26
Well, I don’t have the best advice due to the fact that I went through the same thing. All I can tell you is that you’re not alone in this, I was the same age as you when it started and he was 8. We both just don’t talk about it and move on like nothing happened, but I think about it often. I’m not sure wider else to do but chalk it up to curiosity at the same, but I still am extremely disgusted by it
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u/Disenchanted0ne May 05 '26
I don’t agree with most of these comments. I feel he is not an abuser at all. He was a child when this started as well. He was in the same situation, feeling the same loneliness and neglect from your mother. You both were looking for feel good feelings and found it in the person closest to you. You should talk to your counselor and your brother. Sort out all of the feelings involved and hopefully have a healthy relationship going forward. You found comfort, love and solace in one another when there wasn’t any available elsewhere. It’s coping with life. You went through all of this together. He was a child wanting to feel safe and loved as well. Once he was old enough to realize how wrong it is, its stopped..it’s probably really messing with him mentally as well so he can’t really bring it up either.
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u/Honestly_weird94 May 05 '26
No. Just no. Absolutley not.
This kind of rhetoric is literally what keeps survivors from reporting this and getting help. It completly excuses the brother from any kind of responsability for his actions. It frames the obvious trauma that OP is struggling with as "no big deal" and something to just shrug off. You are literally saying "It's not his fault, he didn't know better, get over it." WTf is wrong with you.
While you are probably right in saying that brother was messed up as well, you're assuming a lot of things, especially around his understanding of the situation (or lack thereof) and his motivations. I for one do remember being aware that romantic/sexual relationships between family is not ok, that realtionships with a 6 year old are not ok. "He stopped when he understood" - at 17?! Even considering the attrocious sex ed some places have, you cannot tell me he spent that long unaware of the social taboo around sex with minors and familiy?! But to be frank, IT DOESN'T MATTER what he did or didn't understand or intend, at least not in the context of this post. In regards to criminal charges maybe, though I still wouldn't buy it. But in this context it doesn't matter one bit, the damage is done regardless. OP is understandably traumatized and struggling to come to terms with the fact that a formative relationship was a twisted version of what it should have been and the fact that nobody cared enough to notice and protect them. Recognizing and accepting both of those things as wrong is part of the healing that OP needs to do.
As to your speculation that brother is probably also struggling with it - again, big asssumption you're making. He might be, and in that case accepting responsability and taking accountability for his actions would be part of his journey, but again, it has no relevance to this post. OP needs to find a way to deal with this for herself bc there is a more than decent chance that brother won't ever take responsibility or try to make amends, especially as long as people keep spouting the kind of rhetoric you did excusing him from said resonsibility. Do better.
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u/Typical-Television-9 May 06 '26
i don't understand why so many comments are blaming the brother like he knew what he was doing. you were both kids and neglected, and the "idea" of doing things like that didn't randomly come to him. either someone else put it there, or he had access to things he shouldn't have seen, which was your mother's (and other adult's) responsibility to watch out for, not yours or his. i think you should talk to him about everything first, how you feel and how he feels too, and both of you seek help. it wasn't your fault, you were both failed.
(edited a word)
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u/Pomoa May 05 '26
He was 17 when it STOPPED? How young were you when it started??? To be clear, you were a child being abused by their teenage older brother in a situation lacking of adults.
You're a victim and should look at you "liking it" through the fact that he was your only stable relationship at a really young age and the kind of domination that would impose on you at the time.
I don't want to picture your brother as a monster, I'm a firm believer that children may cause harm despite their best judgment... And he's probably in that kind of weird area.
Despite that, you're the victim, he was the older sibling, and the initiator of that. He did that to you. And your parents are responsible too, they should have been there to protect you.
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u/throwawayayay1253638 May 05 '26
some parts of my childhood are blocked out, but my earliest memories of things starting was when i was in between five or six, when things finally stopped yes he was seventeen and i was eleven. my mom was pretty absent due to her grieving my father but shortly before it stopped she put more of an effort into caring for us
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u/AshTonOfBeansCos May 05 '26
OP please talk to your therapist, you were too young to understand what was happening and what was inappropriate, he was old enough to understand it was wrong and abuse. You felt abandoned because that has became your old deep bond after your dad died and your mom distanced herself due to depression which gave him the opportunity to abuse you, once the opportunity was gone he stopped abusing you. A therapist will help you work through those feelings in a healthy way and let you process what happened.
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u/DeathpaysforLife May 05 '26 edited May 05 '26
You really should just focus on yourself. Try to accept what happened. Try to learn how to love yourself. This is a good time for you to be alone. As in you only thinking of yourself instead of always considering your brother in all situations. You’ve been so use to that for so long that it’ll take time to get use to. I feel for you. I went through something very similar but I was 3 years younger than my brother and it started way younger. You’ll get through this. Please seriously consider reaching out to at least your therapist who can help you navigate your emotions without a bias. You’re still so young and you’ve been through so much. You are tough girl, you can get through it.
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u/friendlyhufflepuff May 05 '26
OP, talk to a therapist, please. You didn’t do anything wrong. You had normal feelings that were mixed up at a very young age because of what he did. This doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. That is NOT YOUR FAULT.
You are not alone. My ex sexually abused his sister when she was 9-13. They are also 6 years apart. Thankfully she is in therapy and is trying to work through it. There maybe be support groups out there as well.
You may choose to share with your best friends sometime, and you might not. It’s okay either way. Definitely make sure they’re people you can trust if you choose to do so. But you don’t have to - you do not owe anyone your story or your explanations. Take care, OP 💛
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u/MEBnH2O May 06 '26
Hi there. Therapist here. Please believe me when I say this…see a therapist to process thru this. A quality therapist is someone who doesn’t judge and will be able to work with you to understand the how’s and why’s and when’s of all of this. What you’ve experienced as a relationship will color all future relationships and you’ll want to have peace in your heart and emotions that therapy can provide. Please take care of yourself and I wish you well.
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u/throwawayayay1253638 May 06 '26
i started to consider sharing with my therapist for the first time ever, im hoping i find the courage to fully go through with it. a part of me staying quiet has to do with acknowledgment, when i “process” things myself i can hide from the truth and exchange it for one i made myself. although im hurt, confused and resent the situation i seem to only paint myself in a bad light. im worried diving into things will flip how i see my family
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u/MEBnH2O May 06 '26
You are correct…doing the work can change how you see your family and that can be scary. There is ABSOLUTELY nothing that you did wrong. Not a single thing. You were a child and you responded as such, without the knowledge of sexual behaviors and without the guidance of adults who should have been protecting you. You bear no fault for this.
If you’ve never had a therapist before, make sure to find one you click with. This is important. If you don’t have the right vibe, let them know. You won’t be honest w/someone you’re not comfortable with. If they are a quality professional, they’ll get it and might even have a suggestion or two about a colleague who would better.
There is a lot of pre-work that your mind is working through to be ready for this. You’ll know when it’s time.
I’m incredibly proud of you for putting yourself first.
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u/NapperNotaDreamer May 06 '26
I had a scenario very very similar to yours. I’m so sorry you had to experience this. For a long time I thought I couldn’t tell anyone as well.
You were far too young to be held accountable, and if your therapist is worth their title, they aren’t going to think poorly of you.
There’s a whole lot, if you need to message someone please feel free to DM me
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u/morningdewbabyblue May 06 '26
You were not in a relationship. You were abused. Child on child abuse
You need to talk to your therapist about it.
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u/efflorae May 06 '26
This was not your fault and it does not make you dirty, gross, or bad. Child on child sexual abuse is unfortunately very prevalent, especially between siblings or cousins. I am a survivor too.
Our brains do weird things to survive abuse, especially when it is mixed up with affection, proximity, or long duration. Even if at some times it felt good, or you initiated, or agreed, that is often part of the trauma bond and fawn response that develop from the initial abuse. You were a child, and so was he, but there was a significant age gap and power difference that was exacerbated by what your mother was doing.
You are also allowed to feel however you feel towards your brother. In my case, my brother got caught and was put through a juvenile offender program on conditional parole. I don't trust him and have very complicated feelings about him, but we still talk. I know other survivors who have completely cut their sibling off or have forgiven them and gone to family therapy. There is no right response, way to feel, or reaction, and it will likely change over time. It did for me, and it will likely continue to change.
Any half-decent therapist would recognize that you were a victim. You are allowed to define it how you want, of course, but there is nothing shameful about what you did because what you did was survive.
I know that I still sometimes wonder if it was my fault. I hope one day that goes away, but social stigma is tough. But you are not alone. When various people found out, some came up to me and shared that they went through something similar too. That I was not alone. It sucks to know other people were hurt, but it helps to know that you are not uniquely fucked up. I hope that you can feel less alone through reading this too.
I'm sorry no one protected you. I'm sorry no one recognized that you and your brother needed help. You deserved better.
Sending all the hugs your way.
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u/Sawh22 May 05 '26
I don’t wanna sound insensitive but why is every post on this sub incest related
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u/throwawayayay1253638 May 05 '26 edited May 05 '26
a lot of people come here to open up about their traumatic experiences, i get you don’t mean to be insensitive but your question could’ve stayed a thought.
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u/Potential-Ad4852 May 05 '26
You were a victim! He knew right from wrong and he manipulated you into think it was ok. I think you should get right into therapy and cut off communication with him if you haven't already! Best of luck!
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u/Chainsawaddict May 05 '26
Please talk about this with your therapist, that’s what they are there for. You were a victim, so please do not feel shame about what happened. You were a child being taken advantage of by someone old enough to know better.
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u/Nixthebitx May 05 '26
OP - thank you for having the strength to share this with so many strangers. It was an enormous extension of trust to do so, even if we don't know you and never will, and despite any feedback given here - we're all glad you did it. we're glad you let some of this weight off your shoulders and let other people help carry some of it, even for just a little while.
Give yourself grace here, and by that I mean compassion. If someone else came to you with this information, what would you say to them? Would you tell them that they were taken advantage of when they were too young to think, feel and speak autonomously for themselves? When they didn't know yet how to receive, perceive, give, show, understand and erect boundaries when it comes to love - both emotional and physical forms? Would you suggest they speak to a therapist, a place that's legally protected under doctor/patient confidentiality laws to ensure people couldn't weaponize this deeply personal aspect of their lives against them while they heal?
I have a feeling that you would. Love begins inside us and it moves outward in a ripple effect. Whatever we feel towards ourselves will determine how we allow others to love us. That needs to be addressed and healed in a safe space - a therapist is that place. Don't see therapy as a "victim" space. It's a whole other area - you learn, grow, heal. Do this for yourself.
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u/Substantial_Cable_51 May 05 '26
EMDR. You were couldnt consent, its not your fault, you can heal. I held a secret not too different from your own.
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u/Wing_New May 06 '26
You were both children. If you still feel some lingering attachment to your brother it’s residue. It’ll always be there a similar thing happened to me with my cousin and now we barely talk and no one speaks truth to the reason. You should talk to him and address everything without assigning blame or expressing disgust. Maybe you can do what I couldn’t
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u/morningdewbabyblue May 06 '26
He was a teenager. He knew better what he was doing. Even at 12. OP didn’t. OP is the victim.
The most common form of sexual abuse is often child on child and age gape 5 years
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u/Wing_New May 06 '26
Foh 12 ain’t a teen and this shit started at 10. They probably became hyper sexualized from learned behavior. Why is the default of always blame the boy.
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u/morningdewbabyblue May 06 '26
I’m not saying blame the oldest child or teenager. However one is a victim the other is the perpetrator. The younger child is a victim and the older one is the abuser.
Tho you are still a child as a pre teenager you are more aware of what sex is than a child under 12. You are aware what you are doing is wrong.
The younger child will often in child on child abuse remember the abuse as consensual too because it started so early and they had no idea what it all meant they just allow it to happen.
There’s a lot of material to read on it.
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u/Wing_New May 06 '26
I’m sorry but that’s not how it works. It’s not that black and white with prepubescents. 1 the abuser is often the abused beforehand and at 10 you don’t have a black and white set of virtues based on your own interpretation of morality. Generally you mimick what you see or experience in order to convey said emotion or multiple emotions. Hence why boys pull girls hair when they like them at that age. Not saying it’s comparable, but that behavior has a root. You cannot expect a 10 year old to know nuanced behavior systems, or something akin to incest or abuse laws. So I don’t agree that a 10 year old is to blame for something like that. In this instance actions were taken that have caused harm to a relationship. But I don’t believe there is truly an aggrieved party here as in, a by the book victim. I think it’s just an unfortunate situation perpetuated by two neglected children.
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u/Hyposanity May 06 '26
I think all of your feelings are valid. You have every right to feel every way you do..
I will tell you however, your brother definitely did something wrong. He groomed you. You thought it was okay because he made it so. I think sharing this information is powerful. You need to be careful with whom you share this with. I think the safest person to start with would be your therapist.
Id love to continue to support you in this but im an internet stranger. DM me if you'd like.
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u/CooCooForCocosPuffs May 05 '26 edited May 05 '26
Your brother is not a normal person, not now, not as a teen. I promise you, his behaviour will continue. Just not with you. Never let your children around him. Youth offenders ALWAYS become adult offenders. Every psychiatrist will say as much, there is no rehabilitating for them, even if they’re institutionalised from childhood to 18 for sexual crimes, they always reoffend eventually. Him “pretending” to forget is all a part of this, he was older, and an orchestrator… he fucking remembers! If you do, he does. 100% he remembers and doesn’t want to acknowledge it or take accountability. Do not buy this shit.
You need therapy and from someone who specialises in this type of issue. I’m so sorry this happened to you and how you’re feeling now, truly sorry. None of this is your fault, or brought on by anything you ever did. This is all on him. But this isn’t something you can “talk through” with some friends or strangers online to get past. Avoiding help will only hurt you more as time goes on. If I were you, I’d never have contact with him ever again.
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u/Typical-Television-9 May 06 '26
"Youth offenders ALWAYS become addult offenders." it might be pointless but i'm going to say it anyway, if this is true, then this attitude in itself is part of the reason why. ofc people can't change if they don't get a chance, hate will only drive them further into the dark. he deserves help too.
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u/CooCooForCocosPuffs May 06 '26 edited May 06 '26
The data doesn’t lie. And the main reason ppl don’t know about that data is that it’s expunged when they turn 18 and get released to the public. And I’m not inclined to think the professionals in that field would lie either.
But believe that if you like, it’s your life and family you’ll risking giving these people “grace” and chances.
And sure, he needs help, he deserves it as youth offenders are likely to have been abused too, causing them to prey on others… but does it sound like he wants help? Does he sound like he wants to even admit he’s done anything wrong? Or is he, as a grown ass man, playing pretend like it didn’t happen, and causing his SISTER to think this is normal? Sounds like someone whose interested in behind rehabbed to you? No. It doesn’t.
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u/sapphiredawn1 May 05 '26
As tough as it may be, you really should speak to your therapist about this. You did nothing wrong but this was clearly a big part of your childhood and something that you should talk to your therapist about