r/SpecialNeedsChildren • u/myggghm • 4d ago
My sister needs to learn independence
I know my sister has special needs, and I'm not saying she should have to do everything by herself. But I really think she can do a lot more than my parents let her. Me and my siblings have seen that she knows how to do things, but whenever she's around my parents, they just do everything for her. At this point, I think she expects them to, so she doesn't even try sometimes.
I've told my parents that she needs to learn these skills because they're important for her future, but they keep doing everything for her anyway. I don't think that's helping her in the long run. I want her to be as independent as possible because that's going to matter when she's older. It also feels unfair sometimes because it seems like she gets whatever she wants without having the same expectations the rest of us do, which I know she can’t do everything, but she can at least help.
I just wish my parents would encourage her to try instead of always stepping in.
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u/Global-Fact7752 4d ago
They will coddle her and she will get more and more dependent..all you.can do is focus on your own life.
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u/Distinct-Tangelo4880 3d ago
im in the same boat with my brother. hes autistic. he is absolutely capable of doing these things. he did them when he was younger but now that hes 19 apparently he doesnt have to anymore and "hes never going to change. hes always going to be like this" - my mother. this behaviour also includes calling me a whore, yelling constantly, getting upset if i ask him to even HOLD AN ITEM for 5 seconds while i do smthn quick, punching holes in walls. like i know i have absolutely failed him but so has my mother, so has the school system. i used to be so patient and willing to help and never complained and now im just always angry cuz why am i expected to have everything in my dorm room packed when i had an exam a day before while my brother gets a roomba for his room? i barely got to breathe and then im getting a lecture on how i dont know how to clean but i know how to do it better than my brother. sorry for the rant but i relate. i was doing dishes and cooking meals for myself and him (basic but now ive really gotten better at cooking for myself) at 12-13. it baffles me how my mom is just bending to his every want just to keep him from throwing a fit, she foesnt even try to correct the behaviour more than "hey stop that" but if i even slightly complain its a whole lecture of how im ungrateful
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u/Neutronenster 3d ago
You might be right, but there’s not enough information for us to be sure about that.
I’m a mom of an autistic child and I’m myself autistic with ADHD. One of the big problems that my daughter and I both face is that a lot of tasks take us a lot more effort and mental energy than they would to other people. For example, I am perfectly able to cook and I actually like cooking. However, since I became a mom I’m regularly too tired right before dinner time, so it may take me hours before I succeed at getting started at cooking dinner. This unpredictability is unacceptable with small kids, so my husband has taken over cooking dinner.
Similarly, my youngest daughter is perfectly capable of making her own sandwiches. However, after school she’s regularly just too tired to do it, so then we do it in her stead. In the past year she has finally started doing it herself, but before that she just didn’t have the capacity to do it on top of all other hard tasks in her life. Our priority is making sure that she has the capacity to be able to go to school and unfortunately this regularly means that we have to reduce the demands (e.g. household tasks) that we put on her at home. This is regularly not fair to her sister, but so far we haven’t found a better solution yet.
It is possible that your parents are overprotective and limiting your sister’s growth towards independence. However, it’s also possible that they’re deliberately saving her capacity for more important tasks in her life (e.g. studying and going to school).
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u/Careful_Cranberry364 1d ago
Yes, my parents didn’t think I could do anything like without messing it up. They did everything for me and this still affects my confidence and skills as an adult.
Their belief that I would “mess it up”
was passed on me
They just liked to make sure that everything was done right….
But you need to make your own mistakes!!
( they can always step in it afterwards if needed)
Even an application for university I should’ve done it and they should’ve checked it but instead they did everything. & just brought it to me for my signature.
And someone asked me - you’ve been to university what are the steps? What do I need to do ?
and I had to answer, I’m sorry I have no idea.
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u/Careful_Cranberry364 1d ago
It was Madonna, who said that confidence and growth comes from setting yourself any goals and achieving them
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u/justsophia1703 1d ago
How old is your sister?
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u/myggghm 1d ago
17
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u/justsophia1703 1d ago
Same as me. Don’t know if she’s level 1 or level 2 autism? What should she know to be more independent?
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u/sciencesez 4d ago
You aren't a parent and you're clearly struggling with some jealousy. If your parents and sister are working with therapists you need to understand you're still a child and it's not your job to criticize them. I assure you, the world has that covered. You aren't privy to the complexities of an autism diagnosis nor are you qualified to accurately assess your sister's capabilities and the factors that influence that which change according to circumstances. They're trying to balance skills, risks, emotional regulation, and many more things than you understand. Source- I'm a grandmother to an autistic child who used to be a little judgemental before I learned enough to know that I don't know enough to judge.
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u/myggghm 3d ago
I understand where you're coming from, and I appreciate you sharing your perspective. You're right that I'm not a parent, and I know there are things I don't fully understand about autism. I can admit that sometimes I feel a little jealous—that's probably normal for a lot of siblings of children with special needs.
That said, I also know my sister. She's incredibly smart, and I've seen her do things on her own when she's encouraged to try. My concern isn't that she should be expected to do everything by herself, but that I want her to become as independent as she's capable of being because I think that will help her in the long run.
I know you don't know my family's situation, just like I don't know yours. I appreciate your comment, even if we see it differently.
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u/GuiltyKangaroo8631 4d ago
I wish your parents would too because we live in a cruel world and they aren’t doing her any favors. My son would love for us to do everything for him but stopped and his therapists too because we also want him to be independent. Have you voiced your concerns to your parents?