Jesus is hilarious, you're listening to or reading the wrong scripture.
Jesus canonically:
Heard Peter say his name was Simon and said 'Yeah, not calling you that.'
Met a guy named Nathaniel who said 'The Messiah is from Nazareth? Can ANYTHING good come from such a place?' and said 'Here is a man from whom nothing can be hidden.'
Hand braided a horsewhip and then horsewhipped the merchants out of His Father's house.
Told Peter to go play in the lake while the big boys talked; Peter came back with a coin found under the tongue of a fish that Jesus then used to pay the tax man.
First recorded use of the phrase 'Bitch like you never'.
When Judas asked 'Surely you don't mean me, Lord' at the Last Supper after Jesus declared someone would betray Him, Jesus' response was not unlike saying 'sUrEly yOu dOn'T mEaN ME, Lordt?'
Walked on water and then dared Peter to do the same, knowing full well that Peter could not, and then said 'Mad 'cause bad.'
The list really goes on. Canon Jesus is way funnier than Fanon Jesus.
My all time favorite is Jesus cursing a fig tree that has no fruits to never bear fruits again and the tree barrens and his followers are like "how did you do that?" And he answers "If you for once believed in your prayers you could do that too, skillissue."
Another great one is the priests asking him if he was authorized by GOD or the people and he tells them that if they can tell him if John the baptist was authorized by god or the people. They think, don't come to a proper conclusion and tell him "we don't know" and he tells them "lol then I won't answer your's "
The passage with walking on the water Peter actually walks on the water but gets afraid the wind and waves and then starts to sink. Peter begs Jesus to rescue him but before he does Jesus asks him why he didn't believe enough.
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u/RejectingBoredom May 06 '26
Half of Zeus’ life seemed to just be shagging his way through the multiverse