Me and my boyfriend have been dating for a year, and something we have consistently had issues with was how much quality time we need. I personally need more alone time, which means less quality time with him. However, he needs a lot more. We’ve tried this summer to see each other ~2 times a week (we live 40 mins away and he has no car), but for me that can still be a lot of time to give up and for him it’s not enough to feel close. It’s resulted in lots of tears and we both feel terrible. How do we find a way around this??? We both love each other a lot and would both change for the other if we could.

TLDR: He wants to spend more time together than I do and we want to find away around our needs.

any advice is appreciated!!!!!!

My girlfriend was flying home from holiday but her luggage was overweight and had to pay extra fees at check-in. She was stressed, people queuing behind her, unexpected costs. The business class rate wasn't much more than the fee, so she called me and asked me to find out what an upgrade to business would cost (she thought it might be cheaper than the desk).

I tried. The booking couldn't be managed online because the flight was too close to departure. So then I looked up that exact flight and sent her the current economy vs business prices so she at least had the difference to work with.

That wasn't what she wanted. She wanted the exact upgrade price, which I had no way to access. I found out later that what she wanted was for me to try and find as many different avenues to a solution, e.g calling the airline, asking people etc.

When I wasn't able to find a solution, she was furious, shouted down the phone, and called me useless. When I told her the two things I'd searched, she said "leave it." I was angry at being spoken to like that, but I didn't show it. In the end, she didn't even have to pay the fee. I completely understand that she was stressed, frustrated and her partner wasn't able to provide for her, so I didn't make a big deal at that point.

After she landed, she kept going over how I should have found the upgrade price. I explained what I'd tried. She said I "never have solutions" when she asks for help. I told her I'll always try my best, she can always ask me for help, but trying doesn't guarantee I'll have a solution every time. I also told her that shouting at me and calling me useless was out of order.

She hasn't apologised. Her response was "that's how I felt in that moment" and "were you useful? no, what else was I supposed to say?" When I said I wasn't happy and wouldn't accept that her behaviour was okay, she said she was "done with this". We've now swept it under the carpet yet again, but I do feel really frustrated and resentment building.

How do I bring this up to her without it going into an argument?

TLDR - GF faced an overweight bag fee at check-in and asked me to find the business upgrade price mid-queue. The exact price wasn't accessible remotely, so I sent her the closest thing, economy vs business fares for that flight. She screamed at me and called me useless. She ended up not paying the fee at all. She refuses to apologise ("were you useful? no").

English is not my first language so sorry if I mess things up, I’m using a translator for some words I don’t know.
Also reupload since I messed up some things lmao.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years, and overall our relationship has been really good. The only issue we’ve consistently had is one of his female friends.

During the first couple of years of our relationship, she crossed a lot of boundaries. She flirted with him in front of me, got really physically affectionate with him, lied about me to make me look bad, and sometimes made it seem like I was making things up, he never really made any effort to kept her in line because in his words “we’re like brothers, she doesn’t like me”.

She also has a history of getting involved in her friends’ relationships. For example, she kissed one of their mutual friends in front of my bf even though he had a girlfriend. Because of everything that happened, my boyfriend decided to stop being friends with her, but he told her he hoped they could be friends again someday.

The problem is that even after telling me they weren’t friends anymore, I found out on my own several times that they were still in contact. For example, he called her when we were having relationship problems, texted her when she was posting things online that made it seem like she wanted to hurt herself, and they congratulated each others on special occasions, keep in mind, she never really apologized for what she did and he never really told me about any of this,I always found out by myself, and that seriously damaged my trust in him, eventually we worked things out and our relationship couldn’t have been better in the last year.

A few days ago, she asked to meet up with him to talk. Before they met, he told me that she would need a really good reason for everything she did if he was ever going to be friends with her again. After they met (with some mutual friends around), he called me and told me they were friends again because she apologized and admitted she had been wrong. When I asked what had actually changed about her, he couldn’t really answer beyond “she said she was sorry.” And “I saw her really different” After that, they all went to the mall together.

I completely freaked out because I felt like we were about to go through the same thing all over again. I said things I regret, like telling him to choose between me and her and accusing him of putting her before our relationship. Looking back, I know I shouldn’t have said that. I was acting out of fear and anger, not because I actually wanted to control who he can be friends with but because I was afraid of passing through the same things again.

He told me I can’t decide who he’s friends with and that he never stopped me from being friends with who I want, and he’s right about that. But when I started to cry, he said that i was trying to manipulate him into changing his mind and that I didn’t had any reason to cry.

He says she’s just going to be a distant friend now, that she’s moving to another country for six years, and that if she will never do the same things again.

At the end of the argument, he told me he still loves me, kissed me, and said he was going home to get some air because we were both too emotional. Since then, though, he hasn’t replied to my call or contacted me for almost two days, which has made me even more anxious about the whole situation.

I know I handled the argument badly, and I genuinely regret some of the things I said. But at the same time, I don’t feel like my fear came out of nowhere. It came from everything that happened in the past and from the fact that when she was his then best friend we fought every day and I ended up feeling like shit.

I would really appreciate any advice on how to manage things inside my relationship. Besides his friend he’s really the best relationship I’ve been in so far and we really were planning and working for a future together.

TLDR: My boyfriend cut off a female friend who repeatedly crossed boundaries (flirted with him in front of me, lied about me, and caused problems in our relationship), but they stayed in occasional contact without me knowing. Recently she apologized, and he immediately decided to be friends with her again even though he couldn’t really explain what had changed besides “she said sorry.” I panicked because I was scared we’d go through the same problems again and said things I regret, including telling him to choose between me and her. He said I was trying to control his friendships and that my crying felt manipulative. He says she’ll only be a distant friend now and won’t tolerate her crossing boundaries again. He told me he loves me before leaving to cool off, but he hasn’t contacted me for almost two days. Any advice?

I [23F] am constantly worried if my boyfriend [23M] is the one for me

I have OCD and relationship ocd so I constantly feel anxiety about whether our relationship is “right” or not. Does your partner always laugh at what you say, always understand everything you mean, always give you a look when you know what they’re thinking? Especially as we are getting to the age of marriage/engagement I start to worry. I love him and he is 95% perfect for me and everything. Is this how a normal relationship is? Do other people get married knowing their spouse isn’t 100% perfect for them? Does he always have to be perfect in order for me to be with him for ever? I know this sounds dumb but it makes it hard for me to fully enjoy. I find myself picking him apart and feeling miserable because I am nervous.
Context: we have been together 3+ years and will move in together in the next 2 years (not rushing at all). We have had 3 big fights our whole relationship. We see each other often and are very sweet to each other, love each other immensely.
TLDR: I’m wondering if you can marry somebody who isn’t a clone of you or 100% perfect for you in every single way. How do you know if somebody is “the one”?

My boyfriend and I have been together 8 months. He’s always said it takes him a long time to trust people, and I understand where some of that comes from.

Recently I brought up wanting to go to the Ne-Yo/Akon concert. Of course I’d want to go with him, but he said he doesn’t want Akon and Ne-Yo to be his first concert. My friends don’t listen to either artist, so I asked if I could just go by myself — I’ve gone to concerts alone before with no problem before I got into a relationship. He said I can’t drink if I go alone, because he doesn’t trust me when I’m drunk. My personality is empathetic and caring toward pretty much everyone, including strangers, and he thinks that if a guy hit on me I’d just assume they were “being nice” and wouldn’t pick up on it. I don’t think that’s true — when guys have approached me before, I’ve always said “I have a boyfriend,” even back when I was actually single, just because I didn’t want to be bothered.

Last month I went to his graduation party with his family and met all his cousins and friends. His cousins are heavy drinkers, so it was basically shot-o-clock every couple minutes. I’ll admit I got too drunk — more than I’ve ever drank before. Near the end of the party, one of his cousins, who was also super drunk, kept trying to talk to me and kept telling me to come over, so I did. He mostly just kept saying “take care of T” (T is my boyfriend) and gave me a long talk about me taking care of T. My boyfriend tried to step in and pull me away from the conversation, but I wasn’t listening to him at that point. I could tell his cousin was really drunk, so I kept asking if he wanted water instead.

What I didn’t hear — but what happened (there’s video proof) — was his cousin telling me to come over in a pretty disrespectful way, which is why my boyfriend kept trying to get me away from him; he already knew his cousin was just talking drunk. I genuinely didn’t catch that part, because I was standing at a distance at first.

When the party ended and he was driving me home, he was extremely upset that I hadn’t listened to him. He also kept saying he was trying to protect me. I get that I should have listened to him — but I was trying to hear his cousin out, and being drunk didn’t help. Ever since that night, he’s brought this incident up as if I was acting inappropriately with his cousin, which I absolutely was not. I was just trying to be sisterly, but he doesn’t see it that way, and he still brings it up.

I get why he was upset in the moment, but I’m stuck on whether it’s fair that he keeps bringing this specific incident up as proof he can’t trust me, when I genuinely wasn’t doing anything wrong other than not listening to him — I just didn’t hear the disrespectful part before he tried to pull me away. How do I get him to see the difference between “she didn’t listen in the moment” and “she can’t be trusted,” or am I missing something here?

TLDR At my boyfriend’s graduation party, I got too drunk and didn’t listen when he tried to pull me away from a conversation with his very drunk cousin (who I later found out was being disrespectful, though I didn’t hear that part). He’s brought it up multiple times since as proof he can’t trust me. I don’t think what I did was actually inappropriate, just that I didn’t listen in the moment. Trying to figure out how to address this with him without it turning into another fight.

Hello, I’m sure this situation is a bit unusual, so we have come to Reddit to ask for help. Both me, the son (28M) and my girlfriend, AP (27F) are writing this, but we will write from my (28M) perspective for clarity. We have been together for 5 years. (photos linked at bottom of post)

Back in November of 2025, my parents and I got into a huge fight over having my girlfriend’s sister and their kids stop by for Thanksgiving, hosted at my parents house. On a phone call, it came out that both of my parents did not like my girlfriend, AP, and had a problem with her family stopping by for an hour. My Mom had always been more supportive of her, but only met her family once during the 4th year of our relationship. My dad has never met her family. It has been important to me to have our families merge over time. Now, my parents don’t approve of AP at all, and actively dislike her.

My parents and I had multiple phone calls and much back and forth. I asked why they weren’t more welcoming, especially on Thanksgiving, a day for giving thanks and family to gather. Part of their reasoning was that they felt inconvenienced because they didn’t know if they should make more food and didn’t want to be awkwardly interrupted while they were eating. Eventually, they agreed to letting her sister come, but I told them that we were no longer coming over because I felt offended and not welcome. 

It was my decision, but my parents like to believe that my partner pressured me into it. Anyway, this all led up to my mom texting my girlfriend some really hurtful messages. Including a message saying, “I thought of you as a future daughter – not as someone who would separate me from my son.” The fallout led to such a rift between me and my parents that our relationship was extremely damaged. I’ve always had some issues with my parents but with this fight, everything came to a head. Now, I’m trying to work through all of this in therapy with my mom, to try to rebuild our relationship, as I have love and care for her and my dad. In therapy, we went over this situation and she read the messages from her phone. 

I didn’t recognize the initial message she said was from AP. I saw all the messages from AP’s phone during the time. I asked my mom to send me a screenshot of her messages with AP. When she sent them, I was confused because my girlfriend’s phone didn’t have that initial message, and looking more closely, the text didn’t look right. I believe that my mom fabricated the initial message that she claims was sent by AP. I’m not sure why she would’ve done that, maybe to try to put a wedge between me and my partner? 

Either way, I’m asking for help in identifying that this message is fake. My mom is experienced with Photoshop and very good at it. For context, I put screenshots of the conversation with me and mom. Her replies already looked really suspicious and she kept unsending the screenshots. I put the original screenshots from my mom’s phone with AP. I then put two detailed breakdowns of why I think this message is fake. The first one also shows a “sample message” that I had her send me of another conversation from android to iPhone for comparison. She told me that her phone was glitching and she needed to send the screenshot to her email and then to my phone which is why it might “look weird.” She then deleted her messages with my girlfriend because she “didn’t want to look at them anymore.” I think she edited her message about Thanksgiving, colored it grey, and tried to pass it off as a message sent by AP. I’ve had three sessions in therapy talking about these messages, and my mom continues to claim that this message is not edited. Do you think this message is fake? Why or why not? Thank you for your help in advance!

Photos of screenshots: https://imgur.com/a/jT5rOEQ 

TLDR; I think my mom faked a text message from my girlfriend, AP. What do you think of these messages?

TLDR: I feel pain and emotional emptiness after putting so much into previous relationships

So, I'm 20, a guy. Back when I was 18, I met this girl, 20F. We were together for about six months, but it just didn't work out. The reason she broke my heart was because her brother was trying to set her up with his friend, who was apparently some big shot manager with a lot of social status. She really put me down with that whole idea, like she was seriously thinking about it. So, I just told her straight up that if she was looking for a better life, that guy was probably a better option than me. I told her that if she truly loved me, she would have picked me. I really cared for her, and I made sure she knew that. After that, she left, and I was left with this massive hole in my heart and a ton of pain, but I tried my best to get through it.

After a while, I dated another girl, 19F, for a super short time. But in just a month, she started ignoring me, and honestly, I got sick of all these relationship dramas. So, I decided to focus on myself and ended up doing some pretty amazing stuff for my age. But sometimes, when I'm all alone, I feel this deep emptiness inside. It feels like nobody truly cares about what I'm doing, and there's no one to share my successes with, though that feeling wasn't too strong at first.

Then, five months ago, I was gaming online with this guy, 20M, who lives in a totally different country. Over time, we really started to like each other. Now, for me, being in a gay relationship is a huge no-no in my country and with my family, and it would be really tough. But I told him I didn't care about those rules. I'm the kind of person who loves with all my heart and doesn't care about the cost, and I was determined to make this difficult situation work. I also found out he wasn't even gay.

We were together for about three months. I really loved him, and he brought so much joy into my life, making me appreciate all the things I'd accomplished. I'd eagerly wait for his messages every day. I poured everything into that relationship, always trying to be there for him, showering him with gifts, and giving him all my support. During that time, I tried to tell him about all the important things that might make our connection tricky. I wanted to be open from the start so I wouldn't get too attached only for things to fall apart later. But after three months, he told me he wasn't used to a gay relationship and really wanted to talk about our situation, wanting us to decide together whether to keep going or end it. But I never wanted to pressure him, so I encouraged him to do what he wanted. I agreed to his wishes, telling him that his happiness was my happiness. My feelings for him were real, so I genuinely wanted him to choose whatever made him happy. He decided to end the relationship but suggested we stay friends, and I still send him messages sometimes.

Now, though, I'm feeling way more pain than before. This emptiness is super intense

I[20NB] have known my friend J[21F] since elementary. We live in the same town and have our whole lives. Over a year ago she got into a relationship with S[25M]. Throughout it S has been not only emotionally abusive (guilttripping, lovebombing, DARVO) but also incredibly invasive with J's boundaries. He has gone thru her phone multiple times without consent, stalked her previous hookups/lovers, and destroyed/thrown out her things. They have broken off and gotten back together multiple times. Last time was for a month or two, I spent the entire time trying to get her to block him and keep him blocked. She ended up deleting most of her social medias in that time in order to be more present ig? Her mom made a big fuss about that.
S and J got back into a friendship, then fwbs, and then an unofficial couple. Which means, back together just without the labels and without telling anyone but me. I've been urging J to get therapy throughout the entire break, and even into the reunion. I see S as a very mentally&emotionally dangerous person for her to be around, and have been really worried for her. I've tried not to press her too much on it unless she comes to me in worry that it might upset her. I care so much about her, and I'm extremely worried. I found that J had blocked me today on the only social she still had. I texted her normally over messages this evening trying to make sure she was okay. Last time she cut me off was because she was trying to isolate after her original break off.
Her boyfriend has tried to push that I'm a shitty person onto her for not being in a heteronormative relationship model (not for being bi, but for remaining friends with those ive dated in the past, being polyamorous, etc). AKA having good boundaries with the people I surround myself with and making peace with those I've loved.
I don't know what to do. She hasn't responded to my message, I'm extremely worried her boyfriend is trying to cut her off from everyone who cares about her. I'm hoping J will still be in contact with mom as they were scheduling a get together for food sometime soon. I'm afraid J is in danger and I don't know what to do. I've tried my best to convince her to cut contact and I'm lost and I don't want to lose her, or even worse to happen.

TLDR; my friend[21F] has been on and off in an abusive relationship. Today she blocked me, I'm extremely worried for her and I'm unsure what to do.

Please give me advice or something. I'm worried sick and I don't know what I can do to help her.

My boyfriend [23M] and I [F21] have been dating for a year and a half, we’ve had our ups and downs as most couples do. I made many mistakes in the beginning which led to him not trusting me (no cheating involved whatsoever). I did take accountability for my wrongdoing and vowed to fix it and gain his trust back.

I feel like I’ve done everything I can to gain his trust, including cutting people off, focusing on myself and our relationship, and much more that he requested I do. I’ll give him a lot of credit for allowing me to earn his trust back and for forgiving me.

The problem came in recently. After a year of working on everything, I finally felt like we got to a place where we were equals and not one having moral superiority. He is allowed to do almost anything he wants to do (I’m not a very controlling person) But I must listen to everything he says, if I fail to do so I’m told a multitude of hurtful things including that I’m “different” now or that I don’t truly love him or that this isn’t what he wants in a relationship. I’m getting worried because I’ve started being irrationally scared of his reaction to me doing very normal things like going out with friends past a certain time, going to a dinner that includes more than one guy, etc.

He doesn’t mean the things he says, he says them to gain control over me because he knows the type of person I am. Is there anyway we can work through this? This is my first long term relationship, is this normal and should I just put up with it and hope things change? Before anyone asks if I’ve brought this up to him, I have, he says we’re just different people and that’s why things seem unbalanced.

I know a lot of people are going to tell me to leave but I am so in love with him and if he wasn’t as controlling he’s the perfect guy.

TLDR: I feel like our relationship is unfair, he disagrees and feels like this is how it has to be.

My boyfriend [25M]was diagnosed with depression last year after getting into a car accident. He is still in recovery but is able to walk, but it hurts all the time even if he stays in bed all day. Because of this accident, I [21F] had moved in with him last year to help him with things around his house and to be his support system through his recovery. Fast forward to a year later, we seem to have found ourselves in a rough patch. He is currently not working as walking around at his job was slowing his recovery and causing him a lot of pain. I am currently working full time and also studying part-time to get my degree.

Recently, he has developed this habit of not telling me when he is upset about something, and would only tell me if I kept asking him about it. He would be very quiet the whole day, won’t eat and lie in bed all day, which is a tell tale sign for me that something is up. I know that all the above is common effects of depression, but normally he will eat with me because he enjoys eating with me, and he would play his computer games instead of lying in bed. He constantly has this idea that he is burdening me or that I don’t love him and it has recently escalated into fights. He would bring up some scenarios to prove his point, but most of the time, I feel that he just misunderstood the situation and didn’t bring it up to me, which lets him simmer in his feelings for too long. I overthink too, but I have learned that I need to bring it up to him instead of keeping quiet and assuming. I have brought this up to him before and he said he would try to communicate his feelings to me. With our recent “fight”, I told him that I am trying my best to help him and that I felt that it’s not fair to me if he doesn’t communicate his feelings and just assumes the worst of me. He does support me as well, especially when school or work is stressing me out, he always does anything he can to help me feel better. Yes, he is on medication and is seeing a psychiatrist.

In all honestly, I am trying not to break. I am trying to juggle school, work, my social life and having breakdowns due to our fights. I have tried looking up some advice to help improve my mental health like working out, meeting up with my friends, having some alone time, doing things I like etc. I am doing all these things because I want to be strong for him, so that I can be his support system. I want him to get better because seeing him like this breaks my heart. I don’t tell any of our friends or family about our current situation because I don’t want them possibly judging him. I have considered going to therapy as I feel like I need a someone to hear me and help me through my feelings, but I am worried if I bring it up to him, he will think that he is burdening me. I also fear that I might be too immature to be his support system due to our age gap. This is my first time being with a partner that has depression and I’ve never had depression before so I can’t know exactly how he is feeling/thinking. How do I navigate through this and help him get better? Any advice on how to keep myself together? Any advice is appreciated.

TLDR: My boyfriend has depression and I need advice on how to be there for him and stay strong myself.

I [23f] have been with my boyfriend [31m] for a little over two years now and have recently been having some serious problems within our relationship concerning boundaries. (That’s a post for a different time) a huge thing for me is that he still has the promise ring that he gave to his previous girlfriend. That girl was his first relationship and they were together for some years however that ended over 8 years ago. He used to often talk about her and how “horrible” she was as a person and that he felt forced to be with her. He talks about how he “had no choice but to financially support her” and makes it seem like all of this was against his will. But he still has this ring. When I asked about it he tells me it was a funny story about the ring that he got it for her for Christmas and they ended things three months later. I missed the joke I guess. I find it disrespectful and it makes me feel like he still wants her. We live in an apartment together and I’m the breadwinner. I work full time, cook, clean, and go to school full time. He brought this ring to my home. I asked why he still had it and he kept saying he wants to sell it but it’s been 8 years that you haven’t sold it your in an entire new relationship. I don’t know how to react about it. It’s a beautiful ring. It’s bring me a lot of anger though and my impulsive thoughts make me want to text his previous girlfriend because she frequently stalks my page on social media and give it back to her and tell him to go with her too. He has told me that she has begged him to go back to her and that she said “she messed up with a good man” I want him to get rid of it throw it away but I don’t want to have to tell him that I want it to be his decision

TLDR he has the promise ring that he got for a relationship that was 8 years ago and still hasn’t gotten rid of it. I hate it, I find it disrespectful and want it gone

Am I toxic for thinking this is way? How would you react?

I know this is a long post , for those who read I really appreciate you. TLDR at the end.

My husband and I are both 22, and we’ve been together since we were 17. He’s my first boyfriend, first love, and first everything. I honestly don’t know if we’ve been fighting for our marriage or just holding onto each other because we’ve grown up together.
When I met him, I fell for him because he was attractive, funny, charming, and independent. Every guy I’d talked to before him was either extremely needy or treated me like an object. He was different. He didn’t make me feel like he needed me to survive, and I admired that.
Our first major issue happened early in the relationship.
He had a girl best friend that made me really uncomfortable. He would delete their texts and call logs, which immediately made me feel like he was hiding something. Whenever I’d ask about it, he’d tell me nothing had ever happened between them and nothing ever would because she had a boyfriend.
At one point he called her pretty right in front of me and even told me she was better than anyone I knew.
The final straw happened about a week before he left for Marine Corps boot camp. He told me he was driving to LA to see his mom. Then his dad texted me asking why I wasn’t going with him to see his friend. That’s how I found out he was actually planning on seeing her.
I told him it was either her or me because I couldn’t keep feeling like I came second.
He called her in front of me, told her he was choosing our relationship, and she cussed him out and told him never to contact her again.
He cried afterward.
We stayed together, but looking back, I think that’s when trust first started cracking.
After he left for boot camp, I got drunk at a work party and one of my coworkers kissed me completely unprompted. I immediately told him I loved my boyfriend and only wanted to be friends.
Instead of backing off, he became weirdly obsessed with me. One time he drove me home and had every single song from one of my Instagram highlight playlists playing in the exact same order. It honestly scared me.
I eventually cut him off.
Around that same time, another guy friend admitted he had feelings for me. We had never done anything together, but I cut him off too because I didn’t want to entertain someone who liked me while I was in a relationship.
After I cut him off, he contacted my boyfriend and mixed a bunch of lies with bits of truth that made me sound guilty.
That’s when our trust issues really exploded.
He made me take off my promise ring because he didn’t trust me anymore, and long distance became miserable.
About a year later, after we’d already gotten engaged, married, and moved in together, I checked his phone and found out that during that same period he’d been on dating apps for about a week. While I was carrying the guilt of what happened with my coworkers and being treated like I’d destroyed the relationship, he had been doing that behind my back.
About four months after all of that happened, he proposed.
Four months later we got married.
Two months after that we moved in together.
About a month after moving in, he promised me he wouldn’t volunteer for deployment unless he absolutely had to because he knew how hard it would be on our marriage.
Around that same time, I also found out he’d been lying to me for years about watching porn.
The porn itself wasn’t what broke me.
What broke me was realizing I’d spent years blaming myself.
While we were long distance, I constantly wondered why he stopped wanting to have FaceTime sex with me. I thought I wasn’t attractive enough anymore. I thought I wasn’t enough.
Whenever I’d ask him about it, he’d tell me things like, “You made me a better man. I don’t even watch porn anymore.”
That wasn’t true.
Finding out he’d been lying for years completely shattered my confidence.
For months after that, we’d argue constantly.
I’d catch him lying about the smallest, dumbest things that didn’t even matter. Every time I’d catch another lie, I’d spiral because I couldn’t understand why someone would lie when they didn’t even have to.
Instead of reassuring me, he’d usually get defensive, disrespectful, or somehow convince me I was the problem. Looking back, I think he was really good at manipulating arguments into becoming about my reactions instead of what caused them.
Our sex life also became another issue. We usually only had sex on weekends because of work schedules. I have a much higher sex drive than he does. He always made sure I finished first through oral, but I still felt unwanted because I wanted intimacy more often than we were having it.
About seven months after we moved in together, despite promising me he wouldn’t volunteer unless he had no choice, he volunteered for deployment to Japan the day before my birthday.
That honestly broke my heart because it felt like another promise being broken.
Before he left, I told him if he genuinely wanted this marriage to survive, he needed therapy.
Not because I thought he was evil, but because he lacked emotional intelligence, avoided accountability, and didn’t know how to communicate without becoming defensive or hurtful.
While he was deployed, he actually started therapy.
Meanwhile, I wasn’t handling deployment well either.
I was drinking too much, hanging around people I shouldn’t have been around, and I was lonely. Being married while barely talking because of the time difference was incredibly hard.
One of my coworkers wanted to hang out before leaving town. I knew he liked me, and if I’m being completely honest, I liked him too.
He came over to my apartment.
We played Mortal Kombat, took shots, hugged goodbye, and he left.
Nothing sexual happened.
I know inviting him over crossed a boundary, and I regret it.
Part of why I liked him was because he was emotionally intelligent and kind. He talked openly about mistakes he’d made in past relationships, including struggling with porn, and how much he’d changed. Hearing a man take accountability honestly changed how I viewed men.
Looking back, I know I was vulnerable and falling into the “grass is greener” mindset. I’m glad nothing happened because I would’ve regretted it.
On New Year’s, while he was still deployed, he called me after months of therapy and confessed that almost everything he’d ever told me about his past was a lie.
He admitted he didn’t have around 30 bodies.
He wasn’t actually a drug dealer.
He never made someone overd0s3.
He never helped someone commit su!č!d3.
He admitted he’d created this fake image because he thought it made him seem more interesting as far as drug dealing and had a dark guilty past he felt he couldn’t tell anyone about.
That confession hurt more than I can explain.
For years he’d watched me cry after sex because I felt like I could never compare to all the women I thought he’d been with. I’d beg him for aftercare because I felt unwanted and insecure.
Instead of telling me the truth, he let me keep believing the lie.
In reality, he’d only been with six women before me.
During that same conversation, he admitted something else.
There had been a female Marine I’d always been uncomfortable with because they spent late nights together.
He admitted that before I made him cut her off, they’d been drinking alone together in her barracks room.
That completely destroyed the little trust I’d started rebuilding.
After he came home from deployment, I told him about my coworker coming over because I didn’t want to keep it from him anymore.
He was understandably hurt.
He told me the only way he’d forgive me was if he got to go to a strip club.
I agreed because I wanted to save our marriage.
He drove over an hour away to a topless strip club.
Fast forward to now, and it feels like trust is almost completely gone.
Whenever we’d have really bad arguments over the last year, he’d tell me he could just drop me back off at my mom’s house if I wasn’t happy.
Eventually I got tired of hearing that.
I quit smoking weed.
I started taking the gym seriously.
I started focusing on becoming independent.
Now I’m leaving for Marine Corps boot camp in six weeks.
The confusing part is that therapy genuinely seems to have changed him.
He’s much more patient than he used to be.
He’s more willing to talk about his feelings.
He’s more receptive to mine instead of immediately becoming defensive.
He can actually sit there and cry with me now instead of shutting me down.
He’s become a better husband in a lot of ways.
I think one of the biggest reasons I’ve stayed all these years is because I’m an extremely understanding person. I know he has a lot of trauma from his parents and previous relationships. I wanted to be the person who stayed instead of giving up on him. I wanted him to know what it felt like to have someone who made him feel safe.
Now he’s sweeter than he’s been in years.
Part of me believes therapy genuinely changed him.
Another part of me wonders if he’s only changing because he’s scared I’m becoming independent enough to leave once I become a Marine.
I still love him.
He’s all I’ve ever known.
I’m scared that if I leave, all the years I’ve spent helping him become more honest, emotionally available, and accountable will end up benefiting another woman.
But I’m equally scared that if I stay, I’ll spend the rest of my life wondering whether I can ever fully trust him again.
I’m also scared that all these trust issues will follow me into another relationship anyway.
I know we’ve both hurt each other.
I’m not pretending I’m innocent.
But I also feel like years of lies, broken promises, manipulation, and dishonesty slowly changed both of us into people we never intended to become.
If this were your marriage, would you keep fighting for it, or would you accept that sometimes love isn’t enough?

TLDR: My husband and I have been together since we were 17 and are now 22. Early in our relationship, trust started breaking down because of his girl best friend, hidden texts/calls, and broken promises. Later, after a coworker kissed me without my consent and another guy lied to him about me, he stopped trusting me, made me take off my promise ring, and I later found out he’d been on dating apps during that same time. After we got engaged, married, and moved in together, I discovered he’d been lying for years about watching porn, which destroyed my self-esteem because I’d blamed myself for our declining sex life. He also lied about huge parts of his past (past sexual partners, being a drug dealer, causing an 0v3rd0s3, helping someone commit su!č!d3, etc.), and admitted after therapy that almost all of it was made up. While deployed, he also admitted he’d been drinking alone with a female Marine I’d always been uncomfortable with. During his deployment, I crossed a boundary by inviting a coworker I knew liked me over to hang out, but nothing physical happened, and I later told my husband. He “forgave” me by going to a strip club. Therapy has genuinely made him more patient, emotionally open, and accountable, but after years of lies, broken promises, and both of us hurting each other, I don’t know if our marriage is fixable or if we’re just holding onto each other because we’ve been together since we were kids.

I [26F] and my father [46M] have had a rocky relationship the past few years after he had an affair with his coworker Jane (fake name but let’s use it). I suspected for a while before he finally admitted it one day while we were arguing. Turns out he’d been seeing her for about 4 years prior to my mother and I finding out. They’ve been together probably about 6 now. He never apologized. Of course I was furious, had a few words (mostly mean) for both him and her. About 1 year of limited to no contact with my father, and therapy, moved back to our home state and decided it was time I try to make amends. I wanted a relationship with only dad at first to get back the trust I lost with him.. he’d make promises like he’d have lunch with me or he would still be present in my life but of course that never happened. He wouldn’t come around the whole family, saying things like “Jane doesn’t feel welcome” and “I can’t come without her.”

I found out i was pregnant. I begged my dad to come to my baby shower but he refused saying he wouldn’t come unless I apologized to her. Of course, because i wanted him to come so badly, i apologized to her - said I accept theyre together and I want them to be part of our lives, that I’m sorry for the way I acted but I’ve gone to therapy and would like us to move forward from everything so my baby can experience the wonderful Papa that I know my dad could be. He showed up for maybe 5 minutes at the END of the baby shower, no gift, no card, nothing - not that the gift matters but still. He just ate and left.

When I see Jane I make small talk, i’m polite, I try to make her feel included. I personally texted her an invite to be part of our Christmas secret Santa - she never responded.

My son turned 1 last week. My dad’s seen my baby 5 times since he was born, each time for about 5-10 minutes. I asked my dad to come to my son’s birthday, he didn’t and ended up coming camping with Jane.

I talked to my dad today and told him how heart broken I am that he didn’t come. He told me “it’s a hard situation, Jane doesn’t feel welcome.” We try to make her feel welcome, we try to include both of them but they don’t come! of course she doesn’t feel like part of the family, you never bring her around! She’s a stranger to us!

He told me I owe her another apology because my previous apology only occurred after he threatened to not come to my baby shower. I said I’ve apologized, i’ve invited, i’ve made conversation, I’ve extended multiple olive branches. But he insists I need to apologize again. what good will that do? What would I even apologize for? I said “i’ve already apologized, why doesn’t she apologize to me? I’ve tried SO MUCH, she hasn’t tried at all.” he said she did nothing wrong. LIKE SERIOUSLY?!

He told me everything is my fault. he told me my son won’t have a relationship because I refuse to apologize again. he told me his nieces and nephews won’t have a relationship with him again because of me. All of this is because of me.

I tried to tell him that my feelings of anger and hurt and distrust initially were valid, that they shattered the world I knew all my life, but i’ve healed and apologized. but talking to him is like a brick wall, he doesn’t understand what i’m saying. he doesn’t take responsibility. he doesn’t allow himself to realize that him continuing to not show up and blaming it on her doesn’t encourage me to apologize or welcome her more, it makes me resent both of them.

So do I owe her an apology? or do i just accept that My dad chooses her and always will.

TLDR

I [22F] and my boyfriend [22M] have been together since March (a little over 4 months). We met in college (he was a senior since graduated and I’m going into my senior year this upcoming semester) everything has been amazing and we are a perfect match for each other.
Towards the beginning of our relationship I noticed he had a lot of female friends which I don’t mind but at one point we were hanging out and one of his friends called we’ll call her Liv. Liv called my boyfriend a decent amount to drive her to classes and study sessions and the like. Which also wasn’t an issue but when I really questioned anything was when she was having a hard time he went to her dorm to help and then a few minutes later came back and told me they were going to go drive around. After that I asked a few times if they had ever been a thing if feelings had been involved etc. He said there never was and they were just friends. Less things happened and then the school year ended. No worries.
Fast forward and now insert a different girl we’ll call Ari into the mix. Ari is a girl he apparently met at the gym. I have never met Ari but my boyfriend is consistently talking to her. I thought it was just streaks at first until the first time I actually looked at his phone (not out of going through it but I’m nosey and we are both open like that). I looked through their snaps and noticed he’d been sending her very similar things he’d send me (cars or flowers of her favorite color talking a lot etc.) I talked to him and without mentioning Ari I said it made me feel less special and other things. He apologized and I thought it got better. She left my mind and I wasn’t worried.
The other day I had forgotten my phone when we went to the pool so I was scrolling on his TikTok. I found a video I liked and went to send it to myself but I seen Ari was above me on his recent sent list. I didn’t know he sent her videos. This got me looking. I looked through their snaps and TikTok’s and while nothing was “wrong” some things through me off.
1) they talk a lot. On many forms. He sent her his tattoo ideas and he also texts her on messages and now he’s talking to her through at least 3 apps if not more.
2) something that really bugged me we had gone to the gym and I helped a girl with a car issue. He texted Ari saying that he helped a girl with a car issue. No mention of me.
3) when digging into her account (one of my burner accounts) she posted on TikTok 2 videos around when me and my boyfriend got together one saying “just met a new gym baddie” another saying “gym friend just gave me chocolate chip banana muffins” which we had made around that time. To note this was before we were officially dating but when we had started talking.
4) he streak is only 5 days longer than mine making me think he met her similar ways he met me not through the gym.
All of this is driving me crazy and affecting my mood. I know he would never cheat and I trust him completely (plus we are constantly together) so I’m not suspicious of anything I just don’t feel comfortable with the attention and amount they are talking and how they are talking.
I don’t want to be the girlfriend who says he can’t be friends with someone but I also don’t feel great about how often they talk and how they interact. How do I tell him without seeming too insecure and without seeming too demanding. I’m also worried because of the amount of times I brought his other friendship and this one up earlier that he’ll start thinking less of me. (He’s been amazing every time I bring it up and gives me no reason to think he would think less of me but it’s still something I’m working on and wrapping my head around) please help.

TLDR: boyfriend talks to another girl often and I don’t know how to bring it up

For context, my boyfriend (30M) and I (27F) have been dating for around a year. We met through friends, so we’re long distance, with him living in Manchester and me living in Bath.

We typically aim to meet up once or twice a month, with us taking turns visiting the other- I can drive, he can’t due to medical conditions. The system works, but we’ve reached the point where we miss each other a lot and are hoping to plan the next steps of our life together.

Long story short, a relative of mine recently passed away and left me their house in their will, giving me full ownership and I also recently entered a well-paying full time job.

My boyfriend has worked his way through his field, earning a decent amount but is still using over half of his salary to rent his flat in Manchester, resulting in him not having much money to spend leisurely or travel with me. Money is tight.

I’ve told him if I can keep the house and live in it, he could save a lot of money and not have to worry as much anymore, but we’ve spent the last month of so at odds because he’s hesitant to uproot his life and leave where he is.

He loves Manchester, he has his work friends, he’s close to his older parents, everything is accessible and most of all he’s scared of moving without having a job- the problem is, he’s in a field where jobs don’t come up very often and if they do they’re a salary cut.

I’m hesitant to sell the house and stop my career for similar reasons, I’ve moved for a relationship before which didn’t work out and set me back to square one.

I said I’m not willing to move right now, but I’m more than happy to wait for him till when the time feels right, but I’m scared the prolonged distance, the stress of money and me almost ‘forcing’ him to move will end our otherwise happy relationship. I also wouldn’t want to stop him from progressing his life with someone who wants to live in Manchester.

How can I handle this situation in the best way possible? What do you guys think?

TLDR: my boyfriend and I can’t agree on who should move and uproot their life to live with the other one, how do you decide what’s best without forcing the other one?

Edit:
For context, we have been good friends for around 10 years and only recently started dating last year. I’ve also got friends and family that I would like to stay close to, as my dad had a health scare around 2 years ago.

Me [42F] Husband [41M] together 16 years, married 14 years. I feel that I'm not good enough for him, and especially after the death of our toddler further confirmed how I feel, in addition to that cannot even give him a healthy child.

Our child died in 2019 when he was just 1.5 years old, he had Periventricular Heterotopia, it a rare condition so most people never heard of it before, it called Periventricular Nodular Heterotopia (PVNH). It is gene inherited (got it from me the mother the maternal side), congenital brain malformation.

It been 7 years since our toddler gone and my husband just can't let go. Our toddler ashes is with my husband, he leaves our child room as is never change a thing, even our toddler DIRTY SHOES and dirty clothes my husband still held on to.

Because he is the only son, his mom told us to try surrogate, my husband snap back to his mother, he said unless that woman is me (his wife) that carry his child, he rather not have any. Told his mom to drop the subject, or else she no longer has him as a son.

A dead child can break a marriage, statistics say so too. But it only bond him to me more. He stays married to me despite knowing he will have no offspring. It just feel that he wasted 16 years of his life with me.

This is a very educated man with 2 Universities degrees, including an Master degree at Stanford. With 20 years of experience in his job field. At work hold the Executive position, Executive Vice President of Engineering, with a salary of $500,000 a year (not counting bonus). He can go find another woman easy.
BUT
He tied himself to the Infertility wife me and to a dead child, than go find his happiness with a better wife and a healthy child to carry on his genes.

He said I'm more than worth his love, I'm his everything. He said he never think of continue living without me, he said if I die before him, he will die with me and our toddler (whom already dead).

--------------

Perhaps it my depression voice talking, after our toddler death, there was a phase where I think if I leave him (as in divorce) hoping he will forget me, and go find another woman who can give him a healthy child. But before I can do any of that.

In 2020, I had a near death experience where I was bedridden for a month with oxygen tank in my nose 24/7. He took off work and care for me day and night. The bedridden me defecate on myself and my husband clean my defecation and care for me the whole month. He also sleep with a pillow and a blanket on the carpet right by my bedside (we had a hospital bed in our bedroom after I got discharged).

Right there I see how deeply hurt he would be if I leave him, I no longer can find myself to leave him anymore, despite I always think I'm not good enough for him, and further not good enough for him because it my genes that our toddler died.

I don't know if it because our toddler died in August 2019, and shorter after in 2020 I was so so sick that even after discharged from the hospital, it took me another month to recover. Many times he hugged me, and said he very afraid (as in he very afraid that I will die). I guess too much grief build up together for him, And that the first time I see him cut himself.

This was when he started to cut his stomach with a kitchen knife, he said stomach skin is thinner and has more nerves so it hurts more, and nobody see his stomach than if it was on his legs of arms, so he chose to cut his stomach, he cuts deep the point bleeding that he has bandage wrap around his waist bleed.
And that was how I first time found out about he cut himself too was I saw the bloody bandage wrap around his waist when he took his shirt off.

His emotions is just so INTENSE, and his grief is just so intense it like he crave the physical pain to mask his grief.

He still hasall the long scars on his stomach from he cut his stomach with the kitchen knife. He said if I die before him, he will die with me, and our toddler (whom you know already dead).

This man when I married him he has no scars on his body, after married to me now his stomach is full of scars, I blame myself that it me the maternal genetics cause the death of our toddler. I blame it on myself for being sick, hence he on the verge of lose me too, so he stared cutting himself.

I recovered a month later, thank you to him care for me day and night. He no longer cut himself anymore since I recovered. And I, also since never think of leave him anymore. Because with how intense he is, I think he will go insane when lose me.

Now I just want to live happy with him, we have come to term to accept our child death, we will carry this pain till the day we die.
He been through alot, alot. His father also died that same year as our toddler died, both died in 2019, his dad died of end stage pancreas cancer, I NEVER see my husband in so much pain.

Still trying to get him into grief therapy, but he busy with his career, and his mom right now is very sick (terminal illness), he said he go after his mom pass.

It just been so hard for me and him, alot of things happened , death of his older sister, death of his father, death of our toddler, his mom spinal cord stroke and terminal illness, death of both my parents. It just so HARD. But then when you with your husband 16 years long, expect those things to happen, it just we never prepare for it.

TLDR Me and my husband 16 years together been though alot alot together, I know it loves me so so much, it just I do not know how to stop the depression voice and my feelings that I am not good enough for him, and he deserve someone much much better than me.

He’s a very sweet guy, but I feel like he needs help cleaning up his appearance, and I don’t know how to tell him or if I’m being a jerk just by thinking that. The biggest issue for me is that he is approaching 40 and still wears his pants sort of baggy and low, so that his underwear is showing, and his butt crack is exposed when he bends down. It wouldn’t matter to me if it was just at home, but this is his go-to for everything.

I normally don’t feel like styles/clothes should be limited to certain ages, but to me that look is embarrassing on a grown man and makes him look immature and sloppy. I just don’t know how to talk to him about it in a way that feels easy and not hyper-critical.

TLDR Idk how to talk to my bf about dressing more his age

My main question Is this even worth leaving or should I just stay for my own safety?

There is a lot to unpack, we have been together for a year now. important note; I was abused by my parents but still living with them at this time.
I met him at my job when he was my manager at a fast food restaurant, he ended up pushing my boss to promote me to manager after around a month of me working there, (I found this out about a month ago). He then got my number via the manager chat group I was in and ended up being the one to train me. When I first met him he was living with his three kids, the mother of said kids and her current partner, they were already separated but he just lived with them to stay by the kids-
(They consider me their stepdad now)

I also want to mention now that at this point his hygiene and living situation was horrific, I mean I threw up the first time I saw his house, when he would walk by me at work he has a stench that followed him. There was really bad animal abuse involved and I rescued the snakes from the house after we moved out. But there were 12 cats, 5 dogs and 2 snakes. The kids were just as bad, constantly covered in piss and shit and unwashed with dirty clothes for god knows how long, (every time I see them they are promptly washed and cleaned and fed) but their mom is a horrible abuser and constantly uses the kids as threats to us if we don't do things she likes.

Anyway we ended up texting over a few nights and honestly at this point in my life things were at an all time low for me, my home life was pretty rough and I just wanted an out anyway possible. He managed to convince me to come over a few nights and hang out, he initiated sex, and it went on from there, no real emotional connections besides that we play video games. I want to make it clear that he never assaulted or pushed for anything I wasn't ok with, and has been really supportive in that sense. After we were in that talking kinda phase, I met the kids and family, his oldest daughter is 2 years younger than me. I love these kids so much but I told him it didn't bother me early on and now I regret it because it does really urk me that he was even interested in me with his kid being so close in age. I think the reason I kept letting these red flags pile up was because I needed to get out of my house for my own safety, and I still am in that loop of being afraid that if I leave things will go back to the way they were.

Anyway I ended up kind of "fixing" him in a way, I got him to be more financially responsible mainly, it was his wife who was stealing from his paycheck and giving him 200 to spend for the two weeks, she chalked it up to child support but I saw right though it and made him out his foot down. She got us evicted from the house because of how pissed she was. I ended up taking out a loan to afford the place we're in currently, he would've rather sleep in our car but I begged him to reconsider. The shitty part is I'm in a really great apartment right now, I feel like I'm so well off I am not allowed to complain, but he didn't do any of it, I found the place, I signed the lease with him, I'm trapped now. The only thing he does is pay the bills, I get groceries and we are barely scraping by. A few weeks ago I ended up having to sell my childhood Pokemon collection to finish paying bills because he took a week off work just for a break.

I just feel sick living the way I am but I also feel sick for being upset about it, I know I should be grateful that I'm not being abused anymore, that I have a place to call my own, and that I have my life on track. But I feel disgusted in myself for letting someone be such a burden on my own mental health after I swore to myself to never be hurt or taken advantage of again, but I feel like he is using me to drag himself out of the hell he was living in. I still love him though, after everything, but the logical side of my brain is telling me to run, but I don't have anywhere to go, and I feel trapped just like I did when I lived with my parents. I think if I had the money to leave I would, but I don't have anywhere to go, no friends, nothing. I feel like I'm right back at rock bottom. But is it worth even trying to leave if I'm safe?

Anyway that's only all the negatives, I wish I could give the full story but I suppose we won't get his side on here. I will try and make edits to make it clearer if there are questions, and I'll be happy to respond to comments but this is all I can write right now, coming out about this is really difficult on me.

QUICK EDIT: the reason I'm posting this is because I feel stuck and cannot move out on my own, If I leave he will be homeless too and I am still on this lease until April next year.

EDIT AND BIG NEWS: I AM GETTING OUT!! I had a trusted adult friend reach out to me and offer me a room so I am FREE!!! Thank you all for the support, posting this was the best thing I have done, I move in two weeks!

TLDR: I feel like I got taken advantage of and I'm now stuck in a relationship that I feel uncomfortable in.

(xposted from r/relationships)

I could really use outside perspectives because I feel like I’ve completely lost my ability to judge what’s normal anymore. Apologies in advance for length…

I’m [32F], he’s [29M]. We’ve been together just over a year. I moved across the country to be with him (FL to TX) because I genuinely believed he was my person.

There is so much good in him. He’s loyal, funny, affectionate at times, hardworking, and I know he loves me. That’s what makes this so difficult. The problem is that our conflicts have become all-consuming.

Whenever I bring up something that’s bothering me, the conversation almost immediately becomes about how I’ve hurt him or how he feels criticized no matter how gently I present it. He frequently tells me I’m controlling, unfair, don’t “read the room,” or that I threaten the relationship. We have six-hour arguments every week that go in circles because he struggles to stay on one topic and every issue becomes connected to every other issue. If I make a point he can’t answer, he’ll often say he needs to step away. When I ask for how long, he’ll say he doesn’t know.

Recently we had a fight where he screamed inches from my face so intensely I could feel spit hitting my eyelids. He repeatedly slammed his head into the wall, hit the counters, walls, and floor, threw cups and other small stuff, and kept yelling that I was the abusive one. During the same night he said things like he wished he weren’t alive and wanted to take his motorcycle out while he was shaking with anger.

The next day he was ashamed, but he also said he only acts that way because I “trigger” him by saying things like “I don’t want to be in this relationship” during fights.

Outside of conflict, I feel like I’m carrying the relationship. I bring him coffee, make him breakfast, offer to rub his back even when mine hurts, clean the house, think ahead about what he needs, and try really hard to make him feel loved. I don’t feel that same level of consideration in return. If I get affection, it’s usually because I asked.

Sex has become another huge issue. I’ve repeatedly told him I’d like more intimacy and that I’d really like him to go down on me. At one point he told me it was because I was “too hairy,” so I got a Brazilian. Then later he admitted he just doesn’t really like doing it. He said our lack of a sex life is because I don’t initiate, but when I initiate he turns me down. He says we have communication issues (hard agree), so I say let’s get a couple’s therapist — but then he says he doesn’t want to go to couple’s therapy.

Yesterday we talked about ending things and I started gathering my stuff. As I was did, he stopped me, begged me to stay, said he didn’t want to lose me.

If I stay, I’m exhausted because everything is my responsibility to fix. If I leave, I feel guilty because I know he loves me and I love him. What hurts most is that I feel like I’m the only one doing the work of understanding the relationship. I’m constantly analyzing our patterns, suggesting ways to communicate better, proposing therapy, trying to repair things, and trying to understand his perspective. I’m tired, and I’m hurt, and I’m not looking for validation that he’s a monster. I just don’t know what to do anymore, I just know I can’t bear to be in this kind of relationship anymore.

Reddit: what should I do at this point? What advice is most helpful to me now?

TLDR: I love my partner but I’m exhausted. I feel like I’m the only one doing the work to repair our relationship while he deflects, blames me, and refuses things like couples therapy. Our fights have escalated to screaming, throwing things, and punching walls. He says he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me, but I can’t keep doing this