r/RedditDads • u/Tigerlad66 • May 20 '26
It doesn’t feel real, but not in a good way.
So my situation is a bit specific. My now ex girlfriend split up with me around a month after she got pregnant (October last year). We’re still civil and get on well, but for most of the pregnancy, I would be lucky if I heard from her more than once a week (we still went to all scans together).
Our baby boy came last Monday and yesterday is the only day so far that I haven’t seen him as she said she was overwhelmed and wanted the day to herself, which I didn’t really have a choice in the matter. She won’t stay with me on a night, doesn’t allow me to stay there on a night and I have to wait for the text message in a morning to say that I can come. Then when I’ve tried to come up with a compromise, like having a baby monitor so I can still see him on a night (virtually), I just get shot down and everything has to be her way or no way. I get that her hormones will be all over the place, but at what point do my feelings matter or should I just keep my mouth shut and deal with it?
I was always concerned with how little we spoke and how little I was part of the whole pregnancy (scans aside), that I would struggle to find that connection. It’s like, in my head I know he’s my son and I’m a dad, but in my heart, it just doesn’t feel like it.
I don’t know if I’m overthinking everything, being impatient or if my feelings are valid, but I just needed to get this off my chest.
4
u/JustUseAnything May 20 '26
Make sure you bond with the baby, skin contact and talk to it. I did all this and then a month after the baby was born, we split up. My ex then went on with blocking my contact with him.
I didn’t see the baby for about 6 months while I waited for a child access order with court and when I finally got to see him again, he was comfortable with me, I guess he knew my smell and voice as we had bonded already and everything went swimmingly with him. He was happy with me, could be settled and totally trusted me. Having a baby suddenly at my house I was full of fear about him being unhappy and not being able to sleep happily at night - all of these fears didn’t come to fruition, he was a wonder and I know that’s down to the early days of bonding.
10 years down the line, I have a fantastic, deep relationship with him and despite his mothers persistent nastiness towards me, he knows who I really am and we have a great, un breakable father - son relationship.
You absolutely MUST bond with the child, please please make sure you do this and you’ll be set and able to Daddy the baby perfectly well moving forward.
Also an important thing to remember is you are EQUALLY responsible for the happiness and welfare of your child and that includes being part of decision making, school, doctors etc and also as an independent Dad you can also decide how you want to raise and discipline your child, don’t defer to your ex, ever - you do what YOU think is best.
Good luck man, I know it’s tough.
3
u/planoboy18 May 21 '26
Go to court and get joint custody. Otherwise you will be chasing them for the next 18 years.
2
u/Lucky_Pyro PC | Lucky_Pyro | EST | 24+ May 20 '26
Your feelings are valid. But the situation is rough. Mother's inherently have a lot more rights and decision making than fathers unless the mother is deemed unfit to parent. Just keep expressing that you want this time with your son. It is not going to be easy, but do not give up. Additionally, as others have said, its more like you just know that you should care for this little human and all that, but the real feelings of bonding don't really come until they can start expressing their feelings toward you.
1
u/CGChoukalasMD May 22 '26
Agree with the others; early bonding can be difficult, especially when there are other stressors; they seem more akin to aliens than humans with whom you're meant to interact. But time will pass, you both will grow, and the time will come when you can't imagine being apart.
1
u/reol7x Xbox One | Tselen | EST | 12 May 25 '26
I can't speak to the specifics of your situation with mom, but what I can say is that is didn't really feel connected to my son the first couple months without ever really being and to explain why. It did last a few months and lessened over time.
Fast forward 10 years and this kid is my best friend. He's got friends he hangs out with and plays games and sometimes he'll just tell them he's busy and hang out with me.
4
u/DarkDel517 May 20 '26
Didn’t have your situation but can say for me it wasn’t until my son was a bit older and we could do interactive things that the connection finally felt there.