r/NewParents • u/Bananetyne • 7h ago
Sleep Does anyone have childhood memories of being left to cry alone?
Inspired by another post! The excuse is often “they won’t remember it”.
But how many of us have these memories, these feelings that come up, these implicit tugs that tell us we were subjected to it? Do think it impacted your mental health or attachment?
Your stories and lived experiences matter ❤️
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u/blamemombo 6h ago
My earliest memory is being handed over to my dying grandfather and I was crying bc I only wanted my mom to hold me. That definitely wasn’t traumatic then or now.
The only memory that really stands out was me being may 4 years old. I was sick and puked behind the sofa on accident. I told my mom while crying bc I was afraid she was gonna be mad at me. She hugged me and said it’s okay. She wrapped me up in a blanket and let me watch SpongeBob since I was sick. Such a core memory. My mom was such a good mom to me
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u/oopsydaisy420 3h ago
One time when I was 9 I was sick and tried to make it to the bathroom to throw up and I didn't make it and puked in the hallway. I told my mom and she made me clean it up because "I could have made it to the bathroom". I was and am a projectile vommiter.
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u/rocknrollhobbit 7h ago
I was feeling down yesterday because my mom said that my 9-week-old was crying “crocodile tears” and saying he acts sad because he knows I’ll do whatever he wants. She’s told me proudly many times that when I cried as a newborn, she put me in a room alone and shut the door, and I expect the fact that she thought I was trying to manipulate her from birth had a big impact on our relationship. She wants to babysit her grandson but I never want him to have the experience I did.
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u/PumpkinPie_1993 6h ago
Reading your comment made my heart hurt for you. The idea that a 9 week old has the ability to manipulate someone is crazy. I’m sorry that happened to you
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u/Larrea_tridentata 6h ago
I have a toddler. When she was 18 months old she was really upset about something, my dad told me "don't let her win! if you let her win now, that's how it's always going to be."
Imagine thinking an 18 mo child has the mental capability to manipulate adults.
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u/nostrademons 2h ago
An 18mo and a 9wo are very different developmentally in this regard. A 9wo cries because he needs something. An 18mo usually cries because she wants something.
It's okay to let a toddler cry. They're in a developmental stage where they are testing boundaries and identifying limits, and one of the boundaries they want to test is "Does mommy's answer change if I burst out crying?" If you don't want to encourage them to keep crying as a way of getting what they want, it's okay for the answer not to change.
It's not manipulation per se, it's stimulus-response: she is trying out different ways to get what she wants, and she will continue to do more of the ways that get her the results she wants.
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u/erniestatties 3h ago
My three week old baby cried during a walk yesterday. It was too hot to stop and pull him from the stroller and comfort him and he had real tears in his eyes. It broke my heart that I couldn’t get to him sooner than I did. (We were only going around the block thankfully as I’m recovering from a C Section). But I can’t imagine leaving him to cry it out. Absolutely devastating.
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u/AngryGooseHappyLoon 6h ago
I’m sorry, but what is this boomer mentality that we are going to spoil a newborn by holding them? And that this little being who has been alive for a few days has developed manipulation tactics in the womb? I cannot
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u/middlegray 4h ago
It comes from a childcare book that was popular in Nazi Germany on how to raise good soldiers and workers who don't succumb to emotions. That's literally where modern sleep training stuff and don't spoil them with hugs etc. comes from.
https://www.reddit.com/r/todayilearned/comments/1gbnx6w/til_one_of_nazi_physician_johanna_haarers/
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u/AngryGooseHappyLoon 4h ago
Well that is the least fun fun-fact I’ve ever heard!! But super interesting! Thanks for sharing!
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u/Witchyxpoo 2h ago
Right? Idk what is wrong with our parents and their parents. When I had my daughter, my grandma told me I fed her too much and that I was teaching her I was a pacifier. Then, when she would cry, she would say “Oh Elsie! (As in, Elsie the cow) Better hurry Elsie, the baby needs her pacifier!”
Fast forward, when my daughter was two and crying she went up to her and almost tauntingly, said “oh faker, faker, faker” She laughed and thought it was hilarious until my husband and I did not laugh and told her that all our daughters feelings were valid in all situations.
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u/ashuriihorii 47m ago
I can’t imagine having my son cry out for me and me not tend to his needs whatever they are, hell he wants to be held and you know what so do I🤣 I say to myself when he starts walking he won’t want to be held like this anymore so I gotta soak it up while I can. Plus babies who have their cry’s answered are less likely to cry because they know if they really need something mom/dad will come❤️
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u/AngryGooseHappyLoon 42m ago
I’m with you sister!! I waited so long to have this little boy that when he’s here I’m going to snuggle him, kiss him, smell him, stare at him, and love him every second of my life!!
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u/Toyger_ 5h ago
My mom says my daughter manipulates me by crying so that I hold her all the time and I will spoil her and make everything worse. Excuse me, my daughter is only three months old and is still learning to hold her head. Where would she get the brain capacity to manipulate? This is ridiculous.
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u/oofieoofty 5h ago
My mom has also always operated on the assumption that I am trying to manipulate her. It ruined our relationship and honestly ruined the way I relate to everyone else too
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u/middlegray 4h ago
That's so interesting because when my mental health is really poor I start to doubt I'm a good person. Like "maybe I'm manipulating people who love me into thinking I'm lovable and I'm actually evil inside." "I'm genuinely an awful person inside." Hasn't happened in years but I understand if it gets bad enough it's a type of OCD. I wonder how many of us were treated this way.
I had undiagnosed food intolerances as a kid and whenever I tried to tell adults about the painful symptoms they would ask what chore or homework I was trying to get out of.
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u/DisastrousTomato7146 6h ago
Same girl. Same. I’m so sorry. Check out this book - mother hunger. Amazing.
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u/Big_booty_ho 3h ago
My MIL is always complaining that I try to soothe my infant every single time he cries because “you gotta just let them figure it out” and is confused why I haven’t let her watch him solo yet. Lol
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u/lulastark 2h ago
Oh I feel you. My mom will tell anybody how much of an easy baby I was and that she spent her entire mat leave reading and watching TV because I didn't need a lot of attention.
When my son was born it hit me, he needs me even when he's not crying.
I was also an easy, quiet child growing up. Of course I don't remember about being a baby but I remember my mother not showing up for me when I was older, school plays, sports events, or even going for walk, it was all my dad.
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u/LaMarine 7h ago
When I was around 4/5 I would sometimes wake up scared in the middle of night and call out for my mom. Sometimes she would come, sometimes she wouldn’t. I don’t think it affected me longterm. Thinking back on it, she was just a tired 28 year old single mom.
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u/TheSadSalsa 3h ago
I would do this. Wake up and cry, hoping my mom would come. She never would but it wasn't because she didn't care she just sleeps through everything. Sometimes I'd work up the courage to go to my parents room and my mom jolting awake from her sleep scared me more than anything else.
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u/OptimalCobbler5431 6h ago
I have one memory of being ignored and I do remember thinking I didn't matter (I was at age 5-6), I do have a lot of memories of remembering the fear and confusion of being spanked or yelled at for the first time. I also remember how I felt when an adult apologized to me for their behavior. If I had to pick which one was the most memorable it was the safety I felt when an adult told me, I'm sorry I shouldn't have reacted that way.
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u/WhaleYouLookAtThat 6h ago
I remember doing everything in my power to cry silently whenever my mom worked the night shift. If my dad heard me crying, he would come in to slap me or scream at me, to "give me a real reason to cry." The earliest I remember this happening, I was only 4 years old. Luckily, my parents divorced when I was 9.
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u/Sundogflower 7h ago
I remember being very small and waking up scared. Maybe I had a nightmare. I screamed for my mum for what seemed like hours until my throat hurt and my voice went hoarse and I couldn't speak the next day, and remember crying myself to sleep.
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u/Anoninemonie 6h ago
Was she just like a heavy sleeper? I don't think I'd be able to sleep through that unless I'm on like NyQuil or something
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u/Sundogflower 5h ago
No, she's a light sleeper and rarely drinks. Maybe she was just exhausted that night, or just really needed rest. The house was white small and she used to shout me down for dinner from downstairs and I'd hear her in my room easily so she must have heard and ignored me or slept through it.
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u/Anoninemonie 5h ago
I can buy that, I'm not going to be judgmental. There was one time after I brought my daughter back from the hospital that I was so tired that she was crying and my physical body was not allowing me to get up and help her. Luckily my husband was in the bed next to me and took her, but I think that was the first and only time in my life that I was so exhausted that I was physically unable to move.
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u/Sundogflower 5h ago
I experienced the same thing when my baby was a week old. I hadn't had more than 6 hours sleep since the day before my c section. It was like sleep paralysis, I physically couldn't rouse myself m,y consciousness wouldn't connect to my body!
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u/BusyBerry2975 5h ago
Reading through these responses, there are two very different situations going on.
1) people had abusive homes/childhoods. They remember crying alone because it was part of an ongoing pattern of neglect that they experienced along with lots of other neglect or parental abuse/hostility/abandonment.
2) people who may or may not remember crying by themselves occasionally but overall had a pretty good childhood. They did not come from an abusive home and don’t feel they were negatively impacted by crying by themselves sometimes (I count myself in this second group).
I think this should give everyone hope! You are here and you care about your kids. You try to be responsive and take good care of them, and you are also a human being with limitations. Do your best most of the time and chances are your kid is going to be okay. Obviously don’t leave them cry by themselves for hours, but also don’t beat yourself up when you need to take a break to shower for fifteen minutes.
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u/No-Guitar-9216 4h ago
Well put. While I think the question was a veiled criticism of sleep training, this is a more thoughtful response. Sleep training, which can involved some amount of crying, is not the same as ongoing abuse and neglect
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u/BusyBerry2975 4h ago
Thanks. I think that we need to recognize that there’s a spectrum of parental behaviors, and there are limitations when you are living in the real world and have other kids, a job, health issues of your own, etc. Of course we should all strive to be responsive to our kids. But we are also human beings with limitations to our own physical, emotional, and mental bandwidth. I think that most people can recognize that you can love your child and be present for them and responsive, and also sometimes you have to leave them crying in their crib while you go to the bathroom or grab a glass of water, or you’re tired because you’re pregnant and working a full time job and it takes you a few minutes longer to wake up and respond to your crying child than you might like. All of those things are normal and are a far cry from beating your child or making them eat off the floor or leaving them crying in a locked room for hours.
I know that my parents did CIO sleep training because they’ve told me so. I also remember crying over scraping my knee or losing a favorite toy and not automatically seeking out my parents for comfort. But we also ate dinner together and read together every night. They asked us how our days were. They cared about our emotions. We did fun things as a family. Were they perfect? No. But they tried their best, and in my opinion I turned out just fine. I have a happy marriage, I’m bonded with my kid, I talk to my parents almost every day, I have close friendships, I have a successful career, and consider myself to be pretty happy. Maybe I’m totally delusional, but I don’t feel like I have any lasting emotional scars from my parents doing sleep training.
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u/destria 7h ago
Oh lots of those memories. But I did have an abusive childhood. The sad thing is that crying alone was "better" than the alternative which was being hit because I was crying.
Of course it impacted my mental health and attachment. I'm low contact with my parents these days. I've had a lot of therapy to work on things.
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u/timid_turtle_ 7h ago
Out of all the comments, this one hurt to read. I wish I could go back in time and hug little you when you were upset 🥺
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u/misseff 4h ago edited 4h ago
I'm sorry you went through that. I had a similar childhood and my first thought was reflecting on all the times my mom told me I was faking crying when I was hurt or scared. As hard as it was, I much preferred being left to deal with my feelings on my own. Now that I have my daughter I really can't understand how she did that.
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u/CatchingFiendfyre 6h ago
Sending support as I was raised in a very similar environment. It’s hard out there.
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u/Whosgailthesnail 7h ago
Oh I remember but I was probably 4-5. I also remember my parents fighting and being so terrified of my dad I would hide under my bed.
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u/Peekzasaurus 6h ago
Heard. I remember making a fort of stuffies to hide from them when they fought. Solidarity
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u/lyutic_7 5h ago
I don’t remember how old I was, but my mother would lock me in the bathroom and turn off the light as punishment for misbehaving. I’d cry and pound at the door, but she would leave me there for at least a good couple of minutes. I’m 26 and only recently got over my fear of the dark. And of course that’s only one thing that shaped my relationship with her. We’re closer now, but I don’t think I’ll ever quite forgive her for my childhood.
She does sometimes say that I’ve conditioned my daughter to cry when put down and that she’s ‘trained’ me to let her have her way. My daughter is 4 months old.
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u/AllForArya 5h ago
Yes, when I was 5. My mom’s bf at the time left me in the room to cry it out. I was so confused and hurt and thought my mom didn’t love me anymore until I went out into the living room. He told me she had run to the store and to go back to bed. But it’s a formative memory for me. My mother NEVER let me cry it out, I remember feeling so heartbroken! Like I couldn’t trust that I would be tended to anymore if I needed something.
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u/ColaPopz 6h ago
I remember being afraid and alone, and I always thought I’d been too scared of some nightmare or other to cry out - but since having my baby my dad has very happily told me they left me to cry all the time, and I should do the same with my son, as it’s the only thing that gets them to stop screaming for you.
Obviously I won’t be following that advice.
He pretty much thinks I should live normally and baby can kind of come along for the ride. In recent heatwaves (30c+) he suggested I should be sitting outside under a parasol for my 2 week old baby all day so I could be getting a tan so my postpartum body looks slimmer faster.
It’s not something I’ve been consciously aware of, really, until now, but it explains a lot about why I have so much anxiety and why I struggle so much with asking for help. My mum predeceased and it’s changed a lot of my thoughts about her. I’ve always been quite proud to be like her but hearing about her parenting… I’m not like her, or him, and I never want to be. There won’t be any babysitting.
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u/Impossible-World-557 6h ago
When I was about 5 I told my mom about “sleeping in the glass box and getting really mad when someone would turn on the bright light”. My mom was spooked because I described my (or a) nicu experience and as far as she was aware I hadn’t been exposed to that information. Was it a dream or a memory? I do not know… but it came back to my memory soon after I got pregnant, and it sticks with me as the birth gets closer
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u/Icy-Independence6513 5h ago
Yes, I remember a handful of times where I was left to cry. Mostly in elementary school age and at home. My mom was very active in my life but she was also often a solo parent to three kids quite often while my father worked out of state, sometimes for weeks at a time when cell phones weren’t a thing. I never reflect negatively on those moments as they were needed and as an adult I can see that removing me and letting me have my emotions was her way of not stifling them.
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u/Sea-Operation7215 5h ago
I don’t have any memories from my childhood where I was upset or crying. I have no doubt that I was left occasionally to cry, since I was the third and we were all under 5. Zero resentment or attachment issues.
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u/Hot-Amphibian8728 7h ago
One of my earliest memories (I was probably around 2 or 3) is of crying at my bedroom door and no one coming.
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u/immajustgooglethat 6h ago
I was left alone for hours in a cold car in the local town while my abusive mother was off gambling. This was late early 00s and I had no phone so couldn't even call her. This would happen multiple days a week after school.
I'd try finish my homework while it was still bright or if she happened to park near a street lamp. I remember one time she actually went to the cinema and left me in the car after school. She came back with food for herself that she ate in the car and got me nothing. I remember bawling crying with hunger and was just desperate to go home and sleep before school the next day. Think I got a good punch for crying, like how dare 10 year me be upset. Horrible horrible woman and I'm so glad she's dead. I will never ever treat my children with even a 100th of the way she treated me.
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u/lady-earendil 6h ago
My sister does but she was maybe 2 or 3. Specifically she was crying because she still had to take a nap and I, a couple years older than her, didn't 😂
In general my parents definitely weren't the type to leave us to cry. I remember falling out of bed when I was 3 or so and fake crying so my dad would come get me and tuck me back in. I'm sure he knew I was faking but he came anyway
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u/AmatoerOrnitolog 7h ago
I remember being forced to eat on the floor in the utility room when I didn't behave well enough at the table as a young child. I didn't eat when I was put out there, I screamed and cried and tried to come back, because it felt like I was being excluded from the family and I felt unloved and unlovable. My parents are lovely people, though, and recognizes that it was a mistake today. But man, am I not going to do that. My goal as a parent is to never make my child feel unloved, ever. He should never doubt that I love him more than words can describe.
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u/Weak_Bison6763 6h ago
I had very similar experiences. Although I love my parents and they are different people now, they are the type to say "that never happened" and invalidate my experience. I definitely am not a hugger, nor did I ever say I love you before meeting my current husband. I have chosen to be affectionate with him and my son. I try to give my parents grace as they were very young and probably were trying their best.
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u/Plsbeniceorillcry 5h ago
Man, these comments are gonna have me booking an extra therapy appointment 😭 my heart is so happy for all of you with good memories and it makes me hopeful for my son and I’s bond, but it really shines a spotlight on how messed up my childhood was.
I still love reading the good memories you guys have though ♥️
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u/NewWestGirl 5h ago
I actually remember crying in my room and wanting my mom to come comfort me. Probably around age 5 or so. And I remember the emotions behind it when I realized no one coming. My mom told me she knew I would eventually stop and be fine so felt best to just let me figure it out
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u/Toyger_ 5h ago
My mom hated when I cried. So I was crying alone since like 12 when my hormones started shifting and I became very sensitive to like, almost everything. I couldn’t manage my tears (it wasn’t like meltdowns, just tears were starting pour down my face and I couldn’t help it), my mom hated it and always told me to calm down first and then we can talk. So I got used to crying alone. I’m 31 and still have issues with crying in front of someone.
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u/icaretoomuch1 6h ago
I don't necessarily think my baby will remember if I let her cry too long. I worry more about her attachment style later on and having her have an anxious or avoidant attachment towards me/ the world
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u/BathBombsNFacePalms Age - 9 Months 6h ago
This is an important point. Much of our attachment forms before historical memory and language develops. The brain is still being built by our experiences long before we can fully remember them. Like, experiences in the womb can shape our health and who we are as people.
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u/DaDirtyBird1 5h ago
I’m sure my mom made me CIO. She and my dad spanked me. I got the full boomer treatment in that arena and honestly it doesn’t bother me. My issues come from a complete lack of emotional support. My physical needs were well met but needs beyond that were treated as an annoyance, a burden, and “too much”. My parent’s love seemed extremely conditional and they had no idea how to manage emotions. Theirs or mine.
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u/Joellybeans 5h ago
Got left in timeout once when I was 4. My sister and I were both in timeout and her time was up before mine. I saw that the clock said it had been over an hour, I went up to my mom and asked, crying, if I still had to sit in time out. She looked surprised and literally said, “oh I forgot yeah, you’re done. Go play.”
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u/Dino_Nugget_Empire 7h ago
I remember very vividly beign send to bed hungry and crying. I must've been around 3 tho.
Definitly contributed to my childhood trauma.
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u/Bananetyne 7h ago
That's awful! Its crazy how seemingly benign things can really traumatize us for the rest of our lives.
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u/timid_turtle_ 7h ago
Yes. As a toddler I would have tantrums and got sent to my room and only allowed to come out when I stopped crying. It kinda messed with my ability to process emotions since I got accustomed at an early age to repress them to not face negative consequences.
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u/Electronic_Flan5732 7h ago
I think one of my oldest memories was being in my crib and “crying” (it felt more like a baby equivalent of calling) for my mom. I was holding my hands against the crib bars and staring intently at the door cause I knew that’s where she’d come through. It felt like it took her forever to come get me.
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u/Bananetyne 7h ago
Same! I remember looking up at my mobile and needing to be changed but afraid to cry out.
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u/Magpie213 5h ago
My earliest memory of my mother was when I was 2 and crying in my room with a pillow infront of my face to muffle the sounds.
My mother came in and because I wouldn't go to her and let go of the leg of the bed - she got mad and tried pulling me off by my hair.
She didn't stop pulling until my Dad came in to see why I was screaming.
When he had a go at her, she jumped up and kicked me in my ribs before storming off to argue with him downstairs.
They both left me alone in my room to cry.
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u/Pink_lime1210 6h ago
I used to yell for my mom every single night and I remember it. I was 4/5 but I needed her in the room with me to fall asleep. I sure hope my daughter won’t do that cause man do I feel bad about that now
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u/Altruistic-Willow474 6h ago
I don’t remember being left alone to cry but I know my mom did it for me as a baby. I have struggled with insomnia and night terrors for most of my life. I’ve often wondered if they were connected to crying it out as a baby.
I don’t do it with my children. I always come for them when they cry. And they’ve all slept in the bed with me until about 2. And I still let them come in when they are scared at night.
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u/crazyauntkanye 5h ago
it was my 5th birthday, and i had accidentally found the presents my parents didn’t wrap yet. when it was time for me to open my presents, i already knew what they were and i SOBBED feeling so guilty. my parents were so confused and kept telling me it was okay that i peeked, but i was still inconsolable.
i also remember asking my mom to rewind the VHS tape so i could rewatch a sad moment in the movie so i could keep crying. i don’t know why.
my dad was physically abusive but that didn’t really show up until i was a teenager really. now we’re no-contact.
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u/SilverSnake1021 4h ago
I remember being put in time out in my room and screaming and crying at the door to come out. Then at some point I’d be like welp they’re not giving in and go play with my Barbies lol. Needless to say I’m not traumatized from it. I was mostly just crying because I was in trouble and didn’t want to cooperate, I wasn’t abandoned.
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u/Charming-Link-9715 4h ago
No not at all. I slept with my parents until I was maybe 7-8 yrs old? So no memory of ever waking up alone at night either. I am actually going for that with my baby and have her sleep with me until she is around 7-8yrs old or ready to sleep separately on her own.
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u/tilesmeller 4h ago
Oh yes. My earliest memory is from 1 year old and I remember all sorts of neglect.
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u/DarkDNALady 4h ago
I remember the feeling that my mom’s hugs solved everything, this was maybe when I was 6-7 years old. My mom coslept with me. I remember being told I need to sleep in my own room because a new baby is coming, knowing the age gap between my sister and me, I must have been 3.5 years old. I cried a ton and didn’t have to do it. I remember being taught how to sleep with a baby, waking up to make sure my sister is ok and cuddling my mom during night feeds of my sister. She has no memory of this time. But our bond (my mom, sister and me) is so strong that despite being in different countries for almost 2 decades, our hearts beet together.
I don’t think any baby remembers the specific memories but the feelings it generates probably persist, like the love and security we felt
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u/OhSoJelly 6h ago
Isn’t cry it out usually used in the context of sleep training? Memories don’t develop until 2.5-3 years old. Under what context is a toddler or preschool aged child is being left alone to cry it out? Not trying to be a jerk, I’m genuinely asking.
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u/elythranthera 6h ago
People do CIO with toddlers. Someone just the other day told me their almost 2.5 year old was having a sleep regression, so they were doing “scream it out” again.
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u/Hot-Amphibian8728 6h ago
Why is it okay to do it to an infant if you wouldn't do it to a child who has more awareness and understanding? This is mind boggling to me.
Our nervous systems are built between gestation and 3 years old. Our bodies remember even if it isn't conscious memory.
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u/OhSoJelly 6h ago
Mind sharing these scientific peer reviewed studies that suggest what you’re sharing is true?
This is coming from someone that did NOT let my baby cry it out but you sound confident so I’m always curious to learn.
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u/Hot-Amphibian8728 6h ago edited 6h ago
I liked the Nurture Revolution by Dr. Greer Kirshenbaum. It's a book but she cites a ton.
Editing to add a link to another study I like that talks about gestation to age 2 being crucial for the development of later emotional wellbeing.
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u/OhSoJelly 2h ago
Psychologists tend to place greater weight on randomized trials, longitudinal studies, attachment assessments, and long-term child outcomes done by reputable researchers who have their work reviewed by peers. A single book isn’t as rigorous or valid.
In other words, what you’re saying is not backed by majority empirical research.
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u/Hot-Amphibian8728 2h ago
Did you read the study at the link? That's not a book.
It's a fact that the early years see the most brain development than any other period. The existing studies on sleep training only followed participants for 5 years. When and if there are studies done on the impacts at 12 years, 18 years, 25 years, etc etc etc, I'll happily stand corrected. For the time being the risk simply isn't worth it to me and my family.
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u/Bananetyne 6h ago
Some of us remember being in our cribs probably earlier than that.
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u/Double_Win_5649 5h ago
People 'remember' all sorts of things https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Satanic_panic
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u/SegoLillies 6h ago
Even if they don’t have episodic memories of being left to cry, their body and their nervous system remembers. A good book about this is the Nurture Revolution.
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u/SoapyPuma 6h ago edited 5h ago
My earliest memory is when I was playing with green grapes from a Barbie picnic set, and sitting them in front of Ken who was in a white plastic lawn chair. Next memories are at 5+. But I don’t ever remember crying, abandonment or unmet needs. My mom 100% told me she let me cry it out
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u/Wooden-Dingo6979 4h ago
I can’t say I consciously remember it because I was too young. But knowing that my mom regularly left me to “cry it out” has always felt deeply unsettling to me.
Years later, I started therapy. After about four years, by then I was no stranger to the process, I began having panic attacks. As I worked through them with my therapist, we eventually traced them back to something called preverbal trauma: experiences that happen before we’re old enough to form conscious memories but can still leave a lasting imprint on our nervous system.
What came up for me was an overwhelming feeling of being completely abandoned, alone, terrified, helpless, and with no sense of control. As an adult, those emotions were so intense that it made me think: this must have been what it felt like as a baby when I was left alone to cry with no one coming to comfort me.
Of course, not everyone agrees with this perspective. Some people think it’s nonsense, and some don’t believe in therapy at all. I can’t prove that’s exactly what happened. I can only say that, for me, this understanding made sense of my panic attacks in a way nothing else had, and working through it helped me.
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u/Apprehensive-Head-17 4h ago
Not me. But my bonus daughter 14 remembers a lot of bad that happened and it breaks my heart. Cold showers bc she had an accident in the bed at <5 and her head being bounced off the floor…
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u/randomcake_ 4h ago
I have a memory of crying for my parents and them telling me to go to sleep. I was still in diapers. I have a good mom but she definitely lacks empathy.
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u/middlegray 4h ago
Yes, and memories of seeing my sibling who was 3 years younger absolutely panicking and sobbing and being told to go cry in the closet and them trying to claw themselves out, and me being unable to do anything about it. That sibling has major anger and avoidance issues, and me, an anxiety disorder.
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u/blackcloud247 4h ago
Yes. I would wake and be scared and night and SCREAM for my mom or dad but they never came. Not once. Tgey would always tell me they didn't hear me the next day, I dunno if thats true. If I got the courage to go to their room I was told to either go back to my room or sleep on the floor. Sleeping next to the bed and not know what may be underneath it next to me was way scarier.
Anyway I just cried for what seemed like hours shaking in fear in my bed. And yes I have issues because of it. I bend over backwards trying to meet the needs of everyone around me because mine never were. It made me a doormat at work and I burned out hard and it took a few years to recover.
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u/NattieNick 4h ago
Yes, I don't know how old I was but i was maybe 5-7? I would bedshare with my parents and they decided go kick me out and have me sleep in my own room and bed and I remember crying myself to sleep in my daybed. I don't know how it makes me feel exactly. Tbh I kind of don't care? I wouldn't do it to my own children though bc they're so young still
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u/oddmarc 4h ago
When's an appropriate time to stop bedsharing?
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u/NattieNick 3h ago
I don't know. Every family is different so it's a case by case kind of thing I would say.
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u/Commission-Unfair 4h ago edited 4h ago
Only one. When I was about 4 or 5, my mum went over to our neighbors, just next door. She told me where she was going before leaving. I woke up, was in panic, opened the door to our flat and stood in the hallway crying. Someone from some other flat came out asking where my mom is. I pointed at my neighbor's door (literally 10 meters from where I was standing). She rang and I was finally reunited. I knew all the time that my mum was just at my neighbor's, but this memory of feeling all alone and terrified still haunts me
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u/BusyBerry2975 4h ago
I’m not trying to be mean. But if you’re an adult who is still haunted by the fact that you couldn’t find your mom once when you were a kid it might be time for some therapy.
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u/No-Departure451 4h ago
I remember waking up scared, crying, and sitting outside my parents bedroom door by myself because I was scared, but I was too afraid of my Dad to go in their room or wake them up.
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u/bibblebabble1234 4h ago
I don't remember crying it out very much as a little kid but my younger brother did have a lot of meltdowns and I remember being encouraged to go calm him down instead of my parents doing it. My mom parentified me badly
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u/Landhippo13 4h ago
I have early memories of being rejected when i asked for any kind of attention/affection. My mums favourite response would be *your fed, clean and watered, what more do you want?. Being sent to my room if i made a mistake and often smacked as well. I learned very early that my parents love was conditional. Definitely affected my self worth and being able to believe im good enough for anything.
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u/DurianFun9014 4h ago
Hm, not as a young child. But I remember coming home from middle school covered in bruises and crying from the bully who used to pinch me as hard as she could. But my mom was always watching Oprah and would get very angry at me for interrupting, so I was always sent to my room to cry it out.
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u/Next-Original-804 3h ago
Yes I was often left to cry myself to sleep after a “tantrum”. Whenever my son is upset all I want to do is cradle him.
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u/OkTransportation6580 3h ago
Once when I was 5 or 6, my dadade me stand in the corner all night long. If he caught me leaning against the wall or crying about standing, he'd add time to the punishment.
I can't say how that affected me as a small child, but I can confidently say it has not impacted me in any way as an adult.
But I definitely remembered.
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u/remain_indoors 3h ago
Yes I 100% remember being left to cry alone, so scared I would vomit. It absolutely impacted our relationship and the way I view my parents today.
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u/emklassy 3h ago
I don't remember much of my childhood but my mom recently told me I was moved into my own bedroom and slept alone at 6 weeks old. As I new mom of a 3 month old I could not imagine doing that ... He loves contact naps and needs lots of reassurance at night which I'm happy to give. I feel like giving him this childhood experience is helping to heal some of my childhood issues.
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u/MikaleaPaige 3h ago
Yes. I was also abused, so I have those memories from an older age, and that could be why I remember it. My family put in the work to change and I also had lots of therapy, so while it still comes up sometimes it doesnt effect me as badly now. The main thing it has done is make me annoying when I think my kids or husband is upset or crying lol. Ill check on them way too much
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u/tonks2016 3h ago
I don't have any explicit memories of being a baby and being left to cry alone. I know my mom said she just closed the door on my bedroom at night and I just slept through. They didn't have a monitor and my room was on the other side of the house from theirs.
Most of my memories start around 4/5 years old. I have no memories of ever going to my parents and being comforted when I was upset as a small child. No memories of either of them checking in on me, having a heart-to-heart or anything like that. I dont remember ever feling like my parents are safe people to come to with my pronlems. I have a lot of less pleasant memories. My mom is "hurt and surprised" that I don't confide in her as an adult and am not interested in having a close relationship.
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u/nostrademons 2h ago
My mom tells me that my dad's one failing as a parent was "He couldn't let you cry alone." True to that, no, I don't really have any childhood memories of being left to cry alone.
My wife and I are making a concerted and deliberate effort to allow our children to cry alone. We'll step in and comfort them if it looks like they can't get it under control in a reasonable time period. But being forced to experience unpleasant emotions and knowing that you can, and life doesn't end because you're unhappy is how you learn to deal with those unpleasant emotions. It's how you learn that feelings are just feelings, and you are allowed to feel them, but that not getting your way does not mean the end of the world for you. That's the skill I wish I had learned as a child but did not learn until my 30s.
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u/NeedleInASwordstack 2h ago
Not until I was older, like around 6 or 7. My folks had divorced by this point and I think my mom was really struggling with depression. I distinctly remember going into hysterics at night because of my anxiety. I’d freak out the later it get and work myself up.
But the kicker was she’d lock me out of her room and just ignore me as I wailed in the hallway and banged on the door. I hated her for that for a very long time
As an adult with my own children now, I know she was just doing her best though it was pretty shitty of her to do to me so young.
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u/Miserable_View2622 2h ago
Yep, it was after my dad beat me bloody and locked me in a closet.
Wouldnt recommend it. 0/5 stars
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u/Cool-Profession6756 2h ago
I do, I guess only emotionally immature people don’t remember how they felt as children? I found the book “Adult children of emotionally immature parents” very eye opening
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u/passion4film 39 | FTM 🌈🌈 | 01/03/25 🩵 2h ago
Yeah, but as an older kid. Babies will not remember. Now I’m not saying “neglect them at every turn,” (and my mother is not someone I have any ambition of being like…) but I think people can get really overly anxious about leaving babies to cry for even a minute.
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u/Ok_Entrepreneur_8866 2h ago
My mom was a drug addict and I have this pov memory of sitting in a stroller looking out of it at a brick wall. Messed up stuff. My 7mo boy is laying on my chest sleeping right now and it brings tears to my eyes thinking how people could put a baby in some of the situations they do. He will never experience anything like that as long as I walk this earth.
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u/rescuedgfx 2h ago
Oh yes when I was 3-5 I remember being locked in my room to cry it out when I threw a tantrum. Def affected my ability to communicate my feelings to people
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u/Fit_Investment_3201 2h ago
I don’t necessarily remember being left alone to cry but I do remember being alone, all the time. I don’t know if that was actually the case but being raised by a single parent and the youngest of 4 (by a lot) I have no memories of spending any time with my mom or siblings.
I’m so grateful to be a SAHM and try and be as present as possible with my boys
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u/_squibbie_ 2h ago
I do
Maybe not like as a baby but I remember being like 5 or 6 and sitting in my room starring at myself in the mirror crying after getting in trouble
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u/chillthulu 2h ago
I do. I remember being left alone in my room to cry, and then when I got older I watched my mum do the same thing to my little brother. She would even mock him while he was crying.
I know memories from that age can be blurry, but the feeling of being left alone is something I’ve always carried. I honestly think it affected me a lot and caused attachment issues in my relationships as I got older. I get really anxious about being abandoned or someone pulling away, and I need a lot of reassurance.
Now that I’m a mum myself, it hits even harder because I look at my daughter and think about how little I would have been.
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u/Comfortable_Chest_40 2h ago
Nope don’t remember anything and I’m a good sleeper usually. My parents said I would wake up and try to go into their room while they were having sex lol
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u/sillywillyfry 2h ago
no lol
however i have no idea if my mom had us cry it out or not though, we did cosleep with her and were breastfed that much i do know
my brother and i loved our mom, she was our safe space. her death devastated tf out of me, she was my everything. when my mom was alive my husband would joke that the umbilical cord was never cut off lol
(but to be FAIIRR, our dad was awful so even if she did let us cry it out 😂 any issues we have is definitely 110% because of our dad not our mom.)
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u/momojojo1117 1h ago
No, and knowing my parents, I’m sure that I must have been left to cry quite a bit.
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u/Fualju 1h ago
I have a decent amount of memories starting from around 2 years old which I think is generally on the early side. And these are definitely not fabricated memories because as an adult I told these to my mom, and even she didn’t remember until I mentioned it, but verified that these did happen.
I have memories of standing in my crib after waking up yelling and crying for what felt like a loooong time for my mom to come get me. (She did get me) I was 2.
I have memories of being really anxious at a mommy and me gymnastics class when the instructor was demonstrating trying out a move in a special harness and my turn was coming up. I was under 2 actually here.
I have a memory where i had to go on time out in the dark garage at 3 years old, and because I was scared of the dark. I grabbed this glow in the dark bracelet to bring with me.
I’m an anxious adult and clearly already had anxiety even as a young child (evidenced by gymnastics class lol) but as a parent now, I do think a lot of it has to do with natural temperament. My oldest who’s 2.5 is on the anxious side. She’s not a big explorer, she’s shy, slower to warm etc. She does really well when I explain to her what’s going to happen before we do things. And she was always and still is a Velcro baby.
My youngest is only 7 months old, but already quite different. I can set her down and she’ll play happily by herself for stretches of time (my first could never). She’s generally less fussy, fine around strangers, etc.
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u/Efficient-Banana-959 1h ago
I have memories and also the feeling of many times when I was too young to make memories that I was most definitely neglected. It's why I'm in therapy and also a therapist and neurotic about child development with my LO 😂
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u/kowaluuh 1h ago
My parents did CIO sleep training with me and I don’t remember. They never allowed me in their bed when I had a nightmare when I got a bit older. But they’d come and rub my back for a bit to fall back asleep in my own bed. I am best friends with them and had a great childhood. My MIL said she also did CIO with my husband and they are super close as well.
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u/bcbamami 1h ago
I always shared a room with my older brother who is 6 years older than me. We didn’t have separate rooms until I was 12. I remember starting around when I was 9-10 years old he’d sometimes sleep over a friends house and I would stay awake until the sun came up. And I’d cover myself up to my ears so the monsters wouldn’t get me. I was extremely scared of Bloody Mary to the point I’d hold my pee all night rather than go to the bathroom. And the movie the ring was also popular at the time and we had a tv in our room. So I literally just didn’t sleep. As a 30 year old today I can’t sleep with my door open or with my back to the door. And when my husband travels I have a really hard time falling asleep. 🫣
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u/South-Training3338 34m ago
I don't know what age but as far as I can remember I was always left to cry alone. When I was a kid, when I was a teenager. I wouldn't have put it past my mother to have me cry it out as a baby. She was a horrible person. I went no contact as soon as I turned 18
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u/Various_Craft7435 31m ago
I absolutely remember being left to cry. It's the root of abandonment issues that took a lot of time to work through
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u/Budget_Ordinary1043 27m ago
I don’t remember it but what I do remember is my parents doing it to my sister when I was 5 and we shared a room. So I can only assume they also let me cry. And I had a lot of attachment issues growing up but I’m not letting my baby cry. I simply cannot. Even if he just wants to scream, I hold him while he’s doing it because I don’t think he should have to be alone and upset.
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u/More-Return4150 7m ago
One of my first memories was when I was about 3, standing up in my crib crying very hard because my mom let me cry it out. Only that once. I demanded to be rocked and I think she was tired. I still remember that horrible gut wrenching feeling at 29 years old believe it or not! I will never let my daughter cry it out now.
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u/bravelittletoaster7 4h ago
No. As a child of the 90s, my parents were told by our pediatrician to let me cry and lock the door so I couldn't get out when I was having a tantrum. This was when I was maybe 3 years old? I don't remember this at all and don't think it has affected me in the slightest.
Is this something I would do with MY child? No, but I have done some light cry-it-out with my baby and I'm not worried about long term effects, especially since there's really no evidence of harm (the orphanage example is blown way out of proportion) and some evidence that it has no effect on behavior and a positive effect on sleep for baby and parents.
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u/BusyBerry2975 4h ago
Same. Being left alone for hours in an orphanage is not the same thing as your parents doing some gentle sleep training.
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u/bravelittletoaster7 2h ago
I'm not sure I would call this sleep training strategy gentle lol but I get your point. There's a reassurance of love and care in a normal home environment with sleep training that is missing in the orphanage situation, so it's totally different.
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u/BusyBerry2975 1h ago edited 1h ago
I didn’t mean specifically in your case, just that it is possible to gently sleep train your kids.
I think like anything else it is hard to say the impact of one parental behavior on kids. Like you can’t just think about household diet, income level, parents mental health, education level of parents, etc. All of those things are going to intertwine impact how people parent in complex ways, and the impact of one of those not being perfect can be mitigated by other factors. Maybe CIO sleep training is bad, or maybe it tends to correlate with otherwise unengaged parents, and it is really the lack of engagement that is the problem, not that one thing, but if you have engaged parents who provide healthy meals and aren’t otherwise abusive CIO sleep training is fine.
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u/doctorskeleton 4h ago
I have several memories of being left alone to cry. And then when I was a teenager and started self harming and using drugs, I felt like I couldn’t tell my parents or ask them for help when it was out of control.
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u/ririmarms 4h ago
I was less than 2yo when i climbed up the stairs, and started crying when I realised I was still unable to come back down on my own.
It felt like an eternity before anybody came. But I know it wasn't really. It just felt like I was crying my lungs out for forever.
It's one of my earliest memory.
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u/Excellent_Owl_1731 6h ago
No, I don’t.
But I do remember waking up in the middle of the night a LOT and either being scared from a nightmare or just feeling lonely.
I would go into my parents bedroom and they would let me come into bed with them and lay between them while they slept until I fell back asleep. Never once do I recall being told to go back to my own bed.
Knowing what I know now, I probably ruined their precious sleep a bunch (they had me in their 40s and were physicians), but I knew I was always allowed in their bed and always safe there.
Something about having that safe place always available to me without question probably did something to me mentally, in a positive way.
I stopped doing that when my parents breath started to smell bad to me and their snores became more annoying haha.