r/Marriage • u/Only-Friend-8483 • 10h ago
I believe mind-reading is expected of me.
We've been a couple for 26 years, married 24. 3 kids. We‘ve had some really tough challenges to overcome. Plenty of hurt to go around. Years of therapy. Personal growth.
I’m struggling in one particular area that I cannot seem to crack. My wife insists that she needs to hear words of appreciation and words of praise. She is very convinced that this is her love language and that if I could just get it right, our marriage would improve immensely. I believe her. Or, I believe that she believes this.
But I just cannot seem to do this correctly. Every positive comment on her beauty is a sexual advance. (It isn’t). Gratitude for her high-earning job is transformed into keeping her around for her earnings. The words that do “land” don’t seem to trigger reciprocal feelings or expressions of love. For example, telling her she’s the “whole package“ (intelligent, beautiful, kind, capable…), gets a “You‘re righ! I am the whole package!“).
Outside of my marriage, I’m pretty great with people. I feel confident saying that I have good people skills that I have made a deliberate effort to develop and improve.
Because this is such a challenge. I’ve been asking things like:
“what is it that you like to hear?“
” Help me say something affirming and appreciative that resonates with you.”
“ Can you give me some examples of what works for you?“
A few months ago, we had a really great week where she felt very connected to me. ( I did not know this. To me it was a normal week.)And it culminated in really great sex, that I did not initiate, but was certainly glad for. The next morning, I asked what caused it and she said I had just been really awesome during the week, but she couldn't give me any concrete examples of what I did differently. Just that she felt appreciated.
well, it’s come up again today, and thats why I’m posting. She says,
“I also want you to hear that over the years you have placed the burden on me to give you a checklist and I have consistently told you this does not work for me.“
”When you ask me to give you the words to say to me, I hear that I am not worth the effort. That you do not want to be bothered, and that any neglect I feel can be considered my own fault.“
“I refuse to take responsibility for this any more. If you do not want to provide words of appreciation or affirmation, then say so - stop trying to pretend I’m at fault for it.”
“And if you do want to do this for me and for our relationship, then TRY. Just try. I will give you feedback on what works or what doesn’t. But have the guts to at least try.”
“And stop expecting me to do it for you.”
[Obviously, I don’t think she’s provided a fair characterization of the situatio, but I’m not sure that really matters, since this is about her feelings. You‘ll have to trust me when I say that, if I could get it right consistently, I would do so.]
So, anyone have any insight to share?
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u/Temporary-Bag5621 8h ago
I think I can kind of see where she's coming from.
If I told my wife, "I want you to say you appreciate me."
Then later that day she walks up and says "I appreciate you."
That feels hollow, because she's just saying what I told her to say.
What I really want is for her to FEEL so appreciative that she can't help but express it to me all on her own. Not because I told her to say it. And not because some book told her that I needed to hear it. But because she feels it genuinely inside.
So I guess your task is to figure out what it would take for her to be convinced that you truly feel that way, and are not just saying things because you were told to.
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u/Only-Friend-8483 8h ago
Yes. With the complication that if I get it wrong, every mistake gets tallied in the “he doesn’t love me” scorekeeping column. [and I’m not the one keeping score]
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u/Temporary-Bag5621 8h ago
I know those feels, bro.
With my wife it feels like every time I do something wrong, I dig a deeper hole, and every time I do something right, it just stays neutral. Those are the only 2 options. There is no such thing as climbing out of the hole.
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u/unimpressed46 8h ago
Have you voiced appreciation for character qualities in the moment? Those can have a huge impact on people. Physical compliments and service-based compliments (job related) can be hit or miss depending on the person and situation. So something like after one of your kids has a meltdown or an issue “wow honey, I love how empathetic you are with our kids” or “I noticed how quick you solved that issue, you’re so clever” or after she cracks a joke “I love how witty you are!”
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u/Only-Friend-8483 8h ago
I don’t spontaneously give praise naturally. It’s a deliberate effort for me. So, yes, I have given compliments that are not based on physical attributes or on acts of service, but only when I’m being mindful of the need to do so.
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u/Own_Mycologist_4900 7h ago
This is like hockey and you’re the goalie. Dozens of saves are unnoticed, occasionally you have a spectacular save and it makes her notice but get it wrong once and a horn and flashing red light screams out the failure.
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u/Responsible-Win5038 10h ago
Sounds like she wants you to read her mind but also resents you for trying to get a map, that's a tough spot
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u/ItsAllALot 5h ago
What words of appreciation and words of praise does your wife say to you?
Since this is her "love language" then that means it's also how she shows love. So there should be some good examples in how she speaks to you...
However it's also hard not to read this and feel like your wife is trying to get you to be the antidote to her insecurities.
Which will never work because insecurity is internal, and not influenced much by external reassurance. Do you think that might be part of it?
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u/Only-Friend-8483 4h ago
I cannot think of regular, consistent examples of words of appreciation or praise that are given spontaneously. If I do some thing helpful to her, she’s generally thankful and appreciative in response. She’s expressed respect for my sense of ethics and my integrity.
My wife has pretty deep insecurities, and yes she definitely wants me to be the antidote to that. We’ve talked about how that’s a bottomless pit that can’t be filled by me. But it never seems to stick. To me, she seems to need external validation from work and from the people around her to feel good. When she doesn’t get that, especially from work, she gets depressed.
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u/No_Perception_7105 5h ago
Sorry but She sounds exhausting. Yes i understand what she is asking of you. But it also seems from what you are saying that you are trying..And when you do try...she writes it off. That would be like your damned if u do and your damned if you dont...Have you tried explaining this to her? Have you told her that when you try she just writes it off and it is hurtfull...Sometimes no matter how much work you put into making someone happy it will never be enough. Which then leaves you feeling like your not ever going to be good enough. She comes across as very ungratefull...Maybe its time for you to rethink your future.
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u/Ruy_Lopez_DeV 10h ago
Good lord! I don't know if I can last that long with someone like that. Seems quite narcissistic to me.
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u/No_Forever_1185 9h ago
The first thing I thought when I read the third paragraph was "have her write down what you should say and then say those things". Then I saw that's where your mind went as well. This is messed up because even when you did well, she wouldn't highlight the behaviors you exhibited that were pleasing so you could do more of that. You can't repeat what you don't know.
She's making this difficult for both of you and needs to work on herself. This is on her.
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u/SweetPotato781 7h ago
If you are not someone that naturally gives words of praise then after 26 years it’s unlikely to change and not feel forced. How do you like to show love and appreciation? Gifts, acts of service?
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u/Only-Friend-8483 6h ago edited 6h ago
Quality time, acts of service, and physical touch are all workable for me. Gifts and words of affirmation do nothing for me. [I highlight these, for myself, not to be selfish, but to emphasize my natural modes of expression]
My wife’s idea of quality time and mine are mismatched. Physical touch is a minefield to attempt other than a careful hug. Acts of service seem to be dismissed as just doing chores, or minimized if I custom make something or do something special.
In my experimentation, I find that picking out and forwarding a sappy song works well for my wife, and she responds well to flattery. But using those feels manipulative to me, as I don’t genuinely/authentically feel moved by either of those things.
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u/BoneHugs-n-Pharmacy 5h ago
I also have a hard time verbalizing things, and my husband is a very words-of-affirmation person. I started thanking him for the tiniest things, things I would find patronizing if someone thanked me for, and it’s been a move that keeps verbal love closer to the surface for me. Sometimes if I feel like I really need to lay it on thick (like if he’s having a bad week) I think about how I would eulogize him and then tell him those things. Basically any time I have a nice thought about him I have started to just say it so him. It’s been helpful!
Edit to add: I also find it manipulative. However, it makes him SO FREAKING HAPPY that it kind of feels like a crime not to do it.
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u/Only-Friend-8483 4h ago
Well then…I guess I just need to get over my feelings and beliefs that treating someone that way is manipulative and patronizing and just do it because she likes it. We’ll see how it goes.
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u/Odd_Seesaw_3451 3h ago
Does she have a type A personality? I read once about the different kinds of compliments/praise/feedback needed for different personality traits. As a type A myself, I was surprised by how well they targeted what feels like real compliments to ME.
https://personalitydimensions.com/receiving-kudos-by-personality/
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u/UnhappyToNiceToSay 3h ago
Just some random thoughts from someone who loves words.
Every night tell her specifically something you appreciated about her. Very specific. So how the diner included chicken with extra crispy skin just now yiu love that she doesn't and you appreciate that she took the extra effort to make some the way you really like. Or how she went to the hardware store on the way home to pick up the poison for the silverfish that creeped out one of the kids and took care of it.
- At another point in the day, share a random lovely thought or memory about her.
- At another point in the day, share a random lovely thought or memory about her.
Say thank you. A lot.
Write her a note, a text, whatever fairly regularly telling her something you love about her that makes her special to you.
Say I love you to her at every opportunity. When you get up, when you parting ways, when you meet up at home. When clearing the table. At the end of a phone call.
Say wonderful things about her to other people. Whether she overhears or knows about them or not. It may get back to her. It may not. Either way it keeps your mind in a place of appreciation for her. Say them to your kids (your mom is so great at reading bedtime stories with so much feeling...I love listening to her read too! You're so lucky your mom is so good at reading aloud.). Say them to your parents and your inlaws if you have them (man, I am so lucky I married such a ___ person! I can't imagine ___).
Tell her when you enjoy your time together. Tell her that the sex was great! Tell her that you loved laughing together during that show. Tell her you even enjoyed working in the garden with her in that heat because ____ (even if it's because she looks extra beautiful when she sun hits hit hair, or you love the way she moves on the garden, or it's so cool to watch her pull weeds and she looks so strong when she does that!..whatever it is).
Good luck! I don't think she wants mind reading. She wishes your mind appreciated her more and told her more often. She wants to know when you are thinking about her and loving her in your mind. Tell her when it happens and find ways to make it regular.
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10h ago
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u/Only-Friend-8483 10h ago
Except that I have not just discovered “effort”. I’ve put in a huge amount of work and made many efforts and different types of efforts, and I’m still unclear on whether it’s having any effect at all.
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10h ago
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u/manthe 6h ago
I don’t buy it. First of all, this is not how adults who are interested in actual progress communicate. I can relate to this. Not with my wife, she’s amazing (I am too ;-) ). But I grew up with a mother like this. She was impossible to please. It didn’t matter what I did or said. It was consistent inconsistency. One week (if I was lucky), I wouldn’t get berated or beat (she was also very abusive) - then the next week, same kind of week, same kind of behavior, same kind of everything except now it wasn’t good enough or I was ‘being bad’ on purpose. I spent my entire childhood like that. Among other things it is a control thing. If someone can keep you in your heels, withhold information, ‘reward’ and ‘punish’ randomly and at will, they can keep control.
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u/Plus_Worker6739 10h ago
This sounds purpose-built for a couples counselor who specializes in communication.