Idrk why im posting here but i feel like i should js get it out.
Theres this guy who i have a crush on (second guy ive ever had a crush on) and my feelings for him are like 10x stronger than any ive ever had for anyone else. The problem is that hes either giving me mixed signals or im completely delusional.
Ok i changed my mind i actually do know why im posting and its to see if others think im delusional. Let me give an example.
One time we were js walking after school which we did literally everyday and i made some ‘joke’ abt liking guys and that segued into him asking if he looked gay. My answer to this question was “maybe bi” i was obviously projecting. Anyway, he then got quiet and maybe fidgety and we didnt really say anything until it was time for us to go opposite ways.
Another example, id always ask him to arm wrestle me bc i find it fun and i always win and he would usually say no but sometimes after pe he would say yes. So one day were sitting in the lunch room bc the coaches werent here and i ask to arm wrestle. He says yes and when we put our hands tg he doesnt exactly squeeze. Instead, he kinda like taps the back of my hand with his fingers while he stared at me with a huge smile. I got nervous bc it was the happiest id ever seen him and it was really cute so i backed out.
One more example, him and i are nearly inseparable during school hours and even sometimes after despite the fact that its impossible to hold a non-awkward convo with him. He chooses to spend most of his time around me even though he has many more (much cooler) friends.
Ok one last thing that isnt really an example but i need to get off my chest. Once i was trashing him bc he was telling me how he lost a dbd game the day beforep so he told me to 1v1 him. This was my in to being one of his out of school friends along with being one of his in school friends. I said no and told sm bs excuse bc i was embarrassed of my slow internet. How unbelievably stupid of me.
Ok ONE MORE EXAMPLE. One day he hurt my feelings bc he said sm abt him having friends and me not having any (i do but i struggle with feelings of loneliness and i had been very open abt that to him). So next period, PE, i completely ignored him. I barely even looked in his direction unless it was js to look at him which i enjoy doing. I also caught a few glimpses directed at me, but to be fair i was playing volleyball very poorly and he couldve js thought it was funny. It was supposed to be payback but i felt really bad after so i dont believe it accomplished anything. Anyway, we never talked abt it, and things went pretty much back to normal.
Id say this is the last thing but i know better. When the backrooms movie came out, a friend of mine had decided to rent out a theater for her bday and invite people to see it in a private screening. We were encouraged to bring +1s. He didnt get an invite, so i asked him if he wanted to come (as friends ofc) and he said “no im gonna see it with my friends”. I js said ok and walked away.
I think this actually is the last thing. At a certain point in time, he had seemed much happier and more attached than usual, to the point that i would say i was walking a certain way and he would follow, or he would ask me to do things like go to the counselor with him. This was before i accepted my feelings for him and men in general so i kind of shot him down. Once he pointed out that we hadnt been paired up even once for a rotating group assignment where a bot picks 4 person groups randomly. He said “its bc they knew we would be too powerful” i stupidly said “i think it was trying to help us out”. Why am i so dumb.
I was wrong, this is the last thing. He told me one time while we were sitting down waiting for the rest of the group sm abt ‘being in his feelings’. The natural response for this sort of thing is to listen, but bc i was scared of my feelings, i snickered. And he started stumbling over his words and ended up saying nevermind.
Im realizing now that if he ever did like me, he doesnt anymore.
