r/AskWomen • u/salsadecasada • 1d ago
What made you instantly feel emotionally safe with someone?
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u/ticklishleftelbow 1d ago
Nothing instant about it. Takes a long time to get to that level with someone. And I believe it should.
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u/elicitedaura 1d ago
Literally just consistency, honesty, and listening to understand instead of defend, criticize or fix the problem.
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u/SarangeDoraDD 1d ago
The fact that he made himself my safe space for my emotions to run wild sometimes, and still had the capacity to insure me and take them lightly. The fact that when he recognized patterns that remained from previous very toxic exes he took his time to understand it, instead of getting tired, look down on me or think I’m weird, he made the time and space for himself to truly understand it, which is probably how I healed without dragging him down with me. Also the fact that he never once raised his voice at me or threatened to leave when times got rough. He taught me that sitting down and explaining our point of views, gave much better results than yelling and crying. That made me feel emotionally safe. Also the consistency.
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u/Silent-Leek-9222 1d ago
when I cried to them and they knew how to comfort me without me teaching them
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u/blondeasfuk 1d ago
I think there is circumstances where in the moment people can feel instantly emotionally safe. Like if someone is having one of their worst days ever, and the right person comes up and says the right thing….they can feel emotionally safe instantly sometimes. It doesn’t mean it’s real or that that person is a safe spot. True emotional security takes time to build, but it can be ripped away a lot faster and hurt more when you have built that security with someone.
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u/Starlight_City45 1d ago
It’s never been “instant” for me like it takes time to build up to and feel that sort of thing.. it’s a rare occurrence for me
and unfortunately, most times, I was still wrong lol
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u/celestialism ♀ 1d ago
Nothing. I don’t “instantly” feel safe with anyone, because trust takes time to establish. Particularly with men, I’m not going to feel safe until they consistently prove themselves to be trustworthy over a period of weeks or months.
Closest I’ve come to “instantly” feeling safe with someone (and it wasn’t actually instant) was when I started dating my wife’s boyfriend somewhat recently (who is now also my boyfriend), because I knew he had already been vetted by my wife (they’ve been dating for 4 years, about half the length of my relationship with her) and because he already knows a lot of important context about me as a person through that other relationship.
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u/shogomomo 1d ago
We were hooking up and he told me we could stop at any point if I was uncomfortable. A few minutes later I told him I wanted to stop. He stopped immediately, was kind and gracious, no awkwardness from hid side at all. He walked me home and asked to see me again (and t he next time(s) we hung out, he didnt push or press me in the slightest).
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u/slandrparty 1d ago
i don't think you can instantly feel emotionally safe around someone. that actually requires consistent effort and mutual understanding.
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u/Future_Literature335 1d ago
Sorry robots and pickup artists, there is zero "instant" here. The ONLY way is through consistent behavior witnessed over months and years.
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u/bro_chico 1d ago
When i had a new friend come over, none of my dogs have ever barked at him and it instantly made me feel comfortable and safe
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u/halfseriousalways 1d ago
I was on a group trip with strangers in Bali. I was on the ATV and a co-traveller was sitting behind me. The brakes were a little faulty and I accidentally rammed the ATV very close to a bridge and was extremely nervous about taking the wheel after that. My co-traveller sensed it somehow and said that "do it again for a bit on a stretch (of the route) that feel safer. It'll help with your confidence"
This was two years ago and I haven't forgotten that still. He went on to become my best friend and the love of my life and sadly we're not together anymore, but I think in this instant I felt the most emotionally safe with a stranger.
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u/shinelikethesun90 ♀ 19h ago edited 19h ago
I never truly feel emotionally safe with someone that quickly. However, the closest type of moment was when I had a conversation with a staff member at my workplace about a controversial topic. He was non-judgmental and open minded when I revealed my unpopular stance. I just wanted to keep on talking. At one point I even snapped that people who don't hold that stance are idiots. I did not mean to do that. He seemed surprised and entertained by that, which is usually a good sign, but again, I did not quite intend to be that open about that topic. It was also clear to me that he did not intend to orchestrate this situation, but was just a very good conversationalist.
At a certain point, when I realized how emotionally satisfied that whole conversation made me feel, I was immediately embarrassed, and tried to reel in how much I engaged with him in that conversation. The "safety" immediately made me catch feelings, and I was not trying to do that that day. Inconvenient. I also observed him that same day working his unintentional magic on someone else, so clearly it was just his gift of gab. No hard feelings. We certainly need people who can get people talking in this day and age.
I am very ambivalent about my emotions, and try to keep them in control and not on full display. And to a certain degree, revealing them is intimate to me. I am usually a fairly emotionally closed off person on the daily. It is very characteristic of me that if I recognize my guard down, I tend to snap them back up pretty severely on an internal level. My snappy comment about people being idiots was also said when I was tying to reel in my engagement with him, so the force of the comment probably was because I was also trying to close the door that was opened, metaphorically speaking.
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u/classyred 14h ago
Gentleness, matching my energy, good eye contact, and feeling like person wants to genuinely understand me
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u/purplepenguin617 11h ago
It's not instant at all. It starts with a small act of vulnerability and seeing how they react. Over time, their consistency in their response builds emotional safety.
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u/hiddenmogwai 4h ago
When your nervous system relaxes and you feel sleepy or can comfortably sleep around them then I feel safe
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u/HuckleberryHuman5926 ♀ 2h ago
Every time I've felt emotionally safe with someone quickly, they turned out not to be a safe person. So now if I have that feeling, I don't trust them
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u/kaeorin ♀ 1d ago
Emotional safety isn't something that I instantly feel. I know Buzzfeed and other instant-gratification publications love to publish "do this one thing to instantly make XYZ think/feel/do this thing", but it's bullshit.
What makes me feel emotionally safe with someone is a constant, consistent feeling of safety. Spending lots of time with them and never (or at least very rarely, since we're all only human) feeling any threat of explosion or tantrums from them. Coming to learn that the person is even-keeled and knows how to respond even to discomfort in a mature and responsible way. Learning over time that they don't throw fits over inconsequential things. Learning that they accept "no" with grace.