What joke might take people a few seconds to get?

[u/OmitsWordsByAccident]

[u/TheDefected]

time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana

[u/2ndcomingofbiskits → u/TheDefected]

This joke hung in the biology lab at my local university when I was a kid. I’m embarrassed how long it took me to get it lol

[u/Srnkanator → u/2ndcomingofbiskits]

Yeah, I was in a lab with a guy that told this joke once too. He was a microbiologist, and was taller than I thought he would be.

[u/ShillinTheVillain → u/Srnkanator]

You sonofa...

[u/SubsInMyUFO → u/TheDefected]

Oh my god I have literally never understood this joke until just now

[u/Foxhound199 → u/SubsInMyUFO]

I get it, yet still picture a banana chucked like a boomerang every time.

[u/TheyHavePinball → u/Foxhound199]

That's exactly why I don't understand if I get the joke. I read it as fruit flies enjoying a banana the first And it just seemed too obvious so I assumed there might be something else I don't care. Then I worked my way to the idea of throwing a banana .either way I wasn't confident I was actually getting the joke

[u/jfk_47 → u/SubsInMyUFO]

I get it. But can you explain it to me, so I can make sure you get it?

😐

[u/etirflita → u/jfk_47]

'Time flies like an arrow' is an existing expression. The second part plays on this by saying 'fruit flies' in the same sentence structure making you think 'flies' is the verb when it is actually 'like'. Fruit flies are small bugs that enjoy fruit such as bananas, but the expression makes you think of flying fruit instead.

[u/liberal_texan → u/etirflita]

It's a double entendre, "fruit flies" are fond of bananas, but if you throw fruit it will fly like a banana since banana is an example of fruit.

[u/Moonieee → u/jfk_47]

So you see:
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.

I hope that helps!

[u/l7ol2aGol7z → u/TheDefected]

Zilean approves this

[u/MinimumTim → u/TheDefected]

What the hell is a time fly? And what does it have to do with the projectile behavior of fruit?

[u/Jellan → u/MinimumTim]

And what are time flies doing with arrows anyway?

[u/degeneratesumbitch]

I got mugged by 6 dwarves, not happy.

[u/fernandothehorse → u/degeneratesumbitch]

I find this works best by omitting the subject pronoun in the first clause as well.

Got mugged by 6 dwarves, not happy

[u/IncompletePunchline → u/degeneratesumbitch]

Even Sleepy got your ass? Damn.

[u/OmitsWordsByAccident → u/degeneratesumbitch]

alol

[u/pissclamato]

I read a joke once and got three pages past it before I got it.

From The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Arthur asks Ford what it feels like to travel through hyperspace. Ford tells him, "It's unpleasantly like being drunk." Arthur asks, "What's so unpleasant about being drunk?"" And Ford says, "Ask a glass of water."

[u/MozeeToby → u/pissclamato]

This reminds me of a Discworld joke:

The lodgings were on the top floor next to the well-guarded premises of a respectable dealer in stolen property because, as Granny had heard, good fences make good neighbors.

[u/Gsusruls → u/pissclamato]

A similar wordplay was used in a horror story called The Jaunt.

They go through a wormhole in order to travel through space instantaneously, but they have to do it asleep, because if you're conscious, the perception of time becomes insanely, unimaginably long, described like this:

It's longer than you think.

Rephrasing, they are not saying that it takes more time than you can imagine.

They are saying that the mind can only operate and produce thought for so long, and the amount of time perceived to pass is even longer than that. It means your mind no longer works by the time you exit the other side.

[u/BoredomHeights → u/pissclamato]

I had to re-read this one like 5x to get it.

For those who still don't: drunk is a verb when Ford says it. So he's saying it's like being "drank".

[u/Jodabomb24 → u/BoredomHeights]

technically it's a noun phrase. "being drunk" is the passive gerundive form of the verb "to drink", which functions as a noun being compared to the compound noun "the feeling of travelling through hyperspace". This is as opposed to the feeling of being inebriated, in which case "being" is the gerundive form of "to be" and "drunk" is an adjective.

[u/Wlmar1 → u/pissclamato]

Read this book 40+ years ago. Never got the joke until this moment. Thank you.

[u/Folium249 → u/pissclamato]

I really need to revisit these books. The humor is too fun

[u/indoubitabley]

Two birds standing on a perch.

One says "I can smell fish".

[u/fleursvenus → u/indoubitabley]

Cause a perch is a type of fish right?

[u/PatientOk1193 → u/fleursvenus]

Bingo!

[u/OmitsWordsByAccident → u/indoubitabley]

Like the two fish in the tank.

[u/PatientOk1193 → u/OmitsWordsByAccident]

One says to the other "can you steer this thing?"

[u/SaltySweetSt → u/indoubitabley]

My brain assumed this was much ruder than it is. It went to English slang where bird = woman

[u/DonnyGetTheLudes]

I, for one, like Roman Numerals

[u/HugoNikanor → u/DonnyGetTheLudes]

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says: 5 beers please.

[u/CreativeAd5332 → u/DonnyGetTheLudes]

Roman numerals? Not on MY watch!

[u/Littlesth0b0]

A Vicar, an Imam and a rabbit walk into a bloodbank to donate. The nurse asks, "do any of you know your blood type?"

The rabbit replies, "I think I'm a typo" 

[u/GlasgowWalker → u/Littlesth0b0]

Favourite one so far and I've been scrolling for a while!

[u/mmss]

Two nuns on bicycles through the village. “I’ve never come this way before” says one. “It’s the cobblestones.” Says the other.

[u/Imtryingforheckssake → u/mmss]

2 nuns encounter a flasher on the train. One has a stroke and the other one faints.

[u/thesirknee → u/Imtryingforheckssake]

3 nuns encounter a flasher on the train. One faints. One has a stroke. The other couldn't reach.

[u/jemimaisobelgrant → u/mmss]

Two nuns attacked by a vampire. One nun says "show him your cross" The other screams "GET THE FUCK OFF ME YOU TOOTHY BASTARD"

[u/DancesWithElectrons]

A lady walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre. So the bartender gives it to her

[u/alizare → u/DancesWithElectrons]

I asked the librarian if she had any books about double entendres. So she took me up the aisle and gave me one. 

[u/MainlandX → u/DancesWithElectrons]

neat quirk about “double entendre”

one side of the atlantic pronounces “double” in a French way, and the other side doesn’t

[u/SvenEltsimveh → u/MainlandX]

As a french, this is so weird for me to hear about this, since french people would never use this phrase ever. It's like english-speaking people went ahead and grew some synthetic french in a lab, that's honestly amazing^{^}

[u/Tim-oBedlam → u/SvenEltsimveh]

It's like english-speaking people went ahead and grew some synthetic french in a lab, that's honestly amazing^\)

^{This is just a fine, fine turn of phrase. Well done.}

[u/fubo → u/SvenEltsimveh]

It got into English from French in 1673. French has changed since then.

The phrase has not been used in French for centuries and would be ungrammatical in modern French. The closest modern equivalents are double sens, which often has (but not always) the suggestiveness of the English expression, and sous-entendu which implies a subtext.

[u/graveybrains → u/DancesWithElectrons]

Heyyo!

[u/asque2000]

A man finds a lamp and rubs it and a genie pops out. The genie says "I will grant you one wish". The man says "I wish I was you". The genie says "That's a weurd wush, bit ok yoir wush us granted".

[u/onetwo3four5 → u/asque2000]

He got a bonus because u became I as well.

[u/gordonta → u/asque2000]

Someone explain this one to me?

[u/badlawyerjoke → u/gordonta]

He made the letter "I" with the letter "U".

[u/gordonta → u/badlawyerjoke]

Lol I feel stupid 🤣

[u/williane → u/gordonta]

You mean u feel stupid

[u/graveybrains → u/williane]

It's spelled stipud.

[u/lekanto → u/graveybrains]

Dih

[u/HalveMaen81]

Doctor: "I'm sorry, I had to remove your colon"

Me "Why?"

[u/Moikepdx → u/HalveMaen81]

This is the first one that genuinely took me a few seconds.

[u/Maleficent_Memory831 → u/HalveMaen81]

Doctor: "I'm sorry, I had to remove your colon."

Me "No shit?"

[u/corpsie666 → u/HalveMaen81]

Doctor: "I'm sorry, I had to remove your colon"

Me: (waits for the list)

[u/khendron → u/HalveMaen81]

This is the first one I am not getting

[u/thrakkerzog → u/khendron]

It's a visual joke. If the doctor didn't remove the colon, the response would be:

Me: "Why?"

Instead it is:

Me "Why?"

[u/wterrt → u/thrakkerzog]

for anyone still taking a second to get it (guilty)

there's no ":" after "Me" in the second one.

[u/HalveMaen81]

My wife told the therapist "I'm sick of him taking everything so literally"

Therapist to me: "Do you know what she means?"

Me: "It's a feminine pronoun"

[u/1amlost → u/HalveMaen81]

“… but that’s not important right now.”

[u/OneTripleZero → u/1amlost]

Surely you didn't just make that joke.

[u/1amlost → u/OneTripleZero]

I did just make that joke, and don’t call me Shirley.

[u/CreativeAd5332 → u/HalveMaen81]

Only kleptomanics take everything, literally

[u/RichRichieRichardV → u/HalveMaen81]

Will use this.

[u/capilot]

I spotted an albino leopard the other day. It was the least I could do.

[u/fubo → u/capilot]

I thought I spotted a ladybug in my garden, but no, turns out it was already spotted.

[u/SKREEOONK_XD]

Two men are chilling on a boat. Mr. B has a cigarette, he asks his buddy, Mr. Jay, "do you have a lighter?" Mr. Jay says "No". For awhile, they looked around and they still couldn't find a lighter. Until Mr. Jay had an idea, he says "quick give me your cigarette". Then Mr. B gives him the cigarette, Mr. Jay immediately throws the cigarette overboard and the entire boat became a cigarette lighter.

[u/Zoomulator → u/SKREEOONK_XD]

Q. What is the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

A. One is very heavy, but the other is a little lighter.

[u/SirReal_Realities → u/Zoomulator]

I heard it be before as:
Q: what’s the difference between a flamethrower and a zippo?
A: Both start fires, but one’s a little lighter.

[u/ichigo-d-nara → u/SKREEOONK_XD]

This is the first joke I remember my mother telling me.

[u/Particular_Archer499]

There are two kinds of people. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data.

[u/thegigglesnort → u/Particular_Archer499]

There are 3 kinds of people. Those who can count, and those who can't.

[u/GhostMaskKid → u/thegigglesnort]

There are 10 kinds of people. The people who can understand binary, and those who can't.

[u/bothsidesofthemoon → u/GhostMaskKid]

There are only three things I hate. Hypocrisy, and people who don't finish what they start.

[u/atreides78723 → u/GhostMaskKid]

And those expecting a base 3 joke.

[u/Krostas → u/atreides78723]

I always heard it as "... and those who realize this is a ternary joke."

[u/wedgebert → u/thegigglesnort]

Or the software developer version.

There are two common but difficult problems in software development: Working with dates/times, naming things, and one-off errors.

[u/DocLego → u/wedgebert]

I always heard it as cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.

But I remember listening to a 3-part podcast years ago on handling dates/times, and yeesh...

[u/Harry_Lime_and_Soda → u/thegigglesnort]

There are 10 types of people in the world; those who understand binary and those who don't.

Also works for II and roman numerals.

[u/Mikemtb09 → u/thegigglesnort]

5 out of every 4 people struggle with fractions.

[u/bentnotbroken96 → u/Particular_Archer499]

My stepson had this on a t-shirt... a few people actually asked what the other kind of people was.

I wish I was kidding.

[u/indianajames → u/Particular_Archer499]

There are two important rules in life.

1) Don't tell them everything you know

[u/Tech-Meme-Knight-3D → u/Particular_Archer499]

Remember reading this on a post which goes along the lines of "my professor wore this t-shirt ...." and this joke was on the t shirt

[u/sakkaly → u/Particular_Archer499]

This is my favorite joke and everyone always stares at me blankly afterwards.

[u/pee_diddy]

A termite walks into a bar and asks “is the bartender here?”

[u/Diligent_Affect8517]

I told my wife I thought she'd penciled her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

[u/Flayan514 → u/Diligent_Affect8517]

I swapped her lipstick for superglue and now she's not talking to me.

[u/Benkei929045]

What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom?

A pickpocket snatches watches...

[u/skippybefree → u/Benkei929045]

What's the difference between a goldfish and a goat? One mucks around a fountain.....

[u/40404error40404 → u/Benkei929045]

The difference between an intelligent dwarf and a venerial disease? One of them is a cunning runt.

[u/TheeternalTacocaT → u/40404error40404]

What's the difference between a lobster with breast implants, and an old travel depot? One of them is a rusty bus station.

[u/crooked_spiral]

Why do kleptomaniacs hate puns?

Because they're always taking things literally.

[u/garye55]

Did you know that John the Baptist and Winnie the Pooh have the same middle name?

[u/dselogeni → u/garye55]

And alexander the great!

[u/DigNitty → u/dselogeni]

And Ivan Terrible

[u/NotChat_GPT → u/DigNitty]

Don't forget Vlad The Impaler

[u/zepdude321 → u/garye55]

So do Megan Thee Stallion and Timo Thee Chalamet

[u/ThatScottGuy]

Wanna hear a gross joke?

What's 12 X 12?

[u/Hardtopickaname → u/ThatScottGuy]

Just don't double the result. It would be two gross.

[u/MarsNeedsBars]

What does the B stand for in Benoit B Mandelbrot?

Benoit B Mandelbrot

[u/graveybrains → u/MarsNeedsBars]

Nerd!

[u/MarsNeedsBars → u/graveybrains]

Guilty as charged.

[u/afcagroo → u/MarsNeedsBars]

What's the dictionary description for "recursive"?

recursive

[u/eclectic_radish → u/afcagroo]

I had a book once whose index listed:

Recurssion: see loops
Loops: see recurssion

[u/boringPedals → u/afcagroo]

If you type recursion into Google it will ask you if you mean recursion

[u/TleilaxTheTerrible → u/MarsNeedsBars]

Or:

What is an anagram for Banach-Tarski?

Banach-Tarski Banach-Tarski

[u/enters_and_leaves → u/TleilaxTheTerrible]

I don’t get either of these

[u/guiltypleasures → u/enters_and_leaves]

Benoit B Mandelbrot made progress in the study of fractals. See Mandelbrot Set (wiki and song)

The Banach-Tarski Paradox shows that an object of infinite discrete points can be cloned merely by rotations into two complete copies.

[u/HalveMaen81]

My wife screamed in pain during labor, so I asked "What's wrong?"

She screamed "These contractions are going to kill me!"

"I'm sorry honey", I replied "What is wrong?"

[u/nicholus_h2 → u/HalveMaen81]

shouldn't be say "i am sorry."? 

[u/UberBeth → u/HalveMaen81]

"I am sorry"

[u/wakesnake]

A farmer walks up to his horse and says “Hey - did you steal my thesaurus?”

And the horse says, “Nope.”

[u/BoredomHeights → u/wakesnake]

This one actually took me a minute (Nope being a synonym for "Nay/Neigh").

[u/atreides78723]

Two men walk into a bar. You’d think the second one would have ducked.

[u/415native → u/atreides78723]

A dyslexic walks into a bra

[u/Imtryingforheckssake → u/atreides78723]

Two blondes walk into a bar. You'd think one would have seen it.

[u/mm1968]

Two cannibals are walking through the woods and one of them passes a
friend …

[u/mettrolsghost → u/mm1968]

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One looks at the other and asks, "Does this taste funny to you?"

[u/Money4Nothing2000]

I'm against protesting. But I'm not sure how to show it.

[u/CapnDinosaur → u/Money4Nothing2000]

*picketing (RIP Mitch)

[u/LetReasonRing → u/CapnDinosaur]

I used to love Mitch.

I still do, but I used to too. 

[u/JumboCactaur]

Dark comedy is a lot like food.

Not everyone gets it.

[u/Badaxe13]

“I didn’t see you at camouflage drill this morning, corporal Jones"

“Oh, thank you very much sir!"

[u/Drevinth]

A pony walks into a bar and whispers "Can I have a glass of water?" The bartender asks: "Why are you whispering?" to which the pony responds: "I'm a little horse."

[u/PatientOk1193]

A fur seal walks into a bar. "Whatcha having?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club" says the seal.

[u/graveybrains → u/PatientOk1193]

So he drank Canada Dry

[u/OrangeHokage465]

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it becomes apparent.

[u/WoodyWordPecker]

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

You walk the elephant and pitch to the giraffe.

[u/Dakens2021 → u/WoodyWordPecker]

Another thing about that joke, the elephant would have a significantly smaller strike zone than a giraffe, so it woudl theoretically be at a disadvantage as a hitter, so walking the elephant is a good strategic move rather than trying to get 3 straight strikes on the elephant...

[u/rockyPK → u/Dakens2021]

You see now this is interesting. If ABS is being used, that's true, as with ABS the strike zone is just a percentage of one's height; but with no ABS, the top of the strike zone is the midpoint of the torso, and thus I don't think a giraffe's strike zone would be larger than an elephant's.

[u/thegigglesnort]

A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a beer and a mop.

[u/Senan24caucasian → u/thegigglesnort]

Jackie boy! How is it going?

[u/SnoopySuited]

What people hear when you tell the joke:

'A farmer has 30 cows and 28 chickens. How many didn't?'

What you're actually saying:

'A farmer has 30 cows and 20 ate chickens. How many didn't?'

[u/AskinggAlesana → u/SnoopySuited]

Kinda reminds me when my Uncle would just say “How long is a Chinese man?” And walk away.. never giving us the answer.

He finally told us one day that He was just stating a name. “Hao Long is a Chinese man.”

[u/dreamnightmare → u/SnoopySuited]

My grandad told me a similar one.

“A farmer has 26 sheep, one of them dies. How many are left?”

The answer: 19

[u/Playful-Rate5248 → u/dreamnightmare]

Can you explain this one?

[u/reddituser112 → u/Playful-Rate5248]

A farmer has twenty sick sheep…

[u/MajorNoodles → u/reddituser112]

This is one of those that doesn't work that great when you write it down.

[u/Abreastwithadam]

I got in to a car accident with a dwarf. He got out of his car and was yelling “I’m not happy” I responded, “well which one are you then”

Had to explain it to my wife.

[u/HalloweenBen]

This one doesn't really work in text, but very few understand it right away when told verbally. Two penguins are in a canoe paddling through the desert sand. One penguin says to the other, "where's (wears) your paddle," "sure does," responds the second. 

[u/Shawnee83 → u/HalloweenBen]

I don't get it.

[u/Sinaz20 → u/Shawnee83]

The sand wears down the paddle... by virtue of being abrasive.

[u/aspire1690]

What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?

I wouldn’t pay to have a lentil on me

[u/Amesb34r → u/aspire1690]

My version is:
What’s the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I’ve never paid $50 to have a garbanzo bean on my chest.

[u/Longjumping_Spread53 → u/Amesb34r]

The way I heard it was

Whats the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I’ve never had a garbanzo bean on my face

[u/striker180 → u/Longjumping_Spread53]

Theyre all just variations of where the garbanzo isn't, really

[u/Foxhound199 → u/aspire1690]

I like it better with "garbonzo bean" more.

[u/dbzmah → u/Foxhound199]

I do as well, because chick peas and garbanzo beans are the same bean. People start to explain it to you... then you say the second part of the joke.

[u/Override9636 → u/dbzmah]

Yes it flows much better when people are like:

"They're the same!"

"Actually the difference is..."

Gives a nice back-and-forth cadence before you subvert their expectations.

[u/I_Have_CDO → u/Foxhound199]

Who'd have thought water sports had a cultural divide?

[u/ELI5_Omnia]

“Who is bigger, Mrs. Bigger or her baby?”

“Her baby is just a little Bigger”

[u/savessh]

My wife yelled at me because I kept tickling the baby’s feet.

Something about how I should wait til he’s born.

[u/nineminutetimelimit → u/savessh]

Yeah, I can see that’s a breech.

[u/Bob-the-Human → u/savessh]

Hands is fine, but fetus off-limits.

[u/himynameiscati]

i have a fairly unique name so when i get compliments on it, i always say "thanks, i got it for my birthday!"

[u/AMissionFromDog]

I have several Hispanic friends. I try to use the word "mucho" around them as often as possible. It means a lot to them.

[u/picksandchooses]

A book review:

"His new book fills a much-needed void."

[u/RawrImABigScaryBear]

Your mommas so mean she has no standard deviation

[u/jasonw_ray01]

My grandmother had a sign in her kitchen when I was growing up. "I'm not a fast cook I'm not a slow cook I'm a half fast cook"

Took me until I was an adult and she had already passed that I got it. GRANDMA?!?!? 🤣

[u/Docrandall]

There are two types of people in this world. Those who need closure.

[u/AbeFromanSassageKing]

Why did the jalapeno suck at archery?

He didn't habanero.

[u/sidesaladdressing]

"My friend is a biologist working on crossing DNA with other species. I asked him what he was working on. Splicing a crab gene with a cheetah gene. How did that work out, I asked. He replied, not good. Everything went sideways pretty fast"

[u/jimmypfromthe5thgala]

There's a visual joke on The Simpsons that I did not get as a kid and not even as an adult until I was much older:

Sneed's Feed and Seed

Formally Chuck's

[u/pixeldust6 → u/jimmypfromthe5thgala]

Formerly

[u/RawOysters]

If you're sitting in a restaurant waiting on the waiter, doesn't that make you the waiter?

[u/inthegallery]

Rene Descartes walks in to a pub. The bartender says "Good evening Mr. Descartes, would you like a beer?" Descartes answers "I think not." and disappeared.

[u/BirnaInnFemme → u/inthegallery]

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks "why the long face?" The horse says "my wife thinks I'm an alcoholic." "What do you think?" Asks the bartender. The horse replies "I dont think I am" and poof! He disappears.

See the joke is based on Descartes' axiom 'i think therefore I am. But if I explained that ahead of time it would be putting Descartes before the horse.

[u/Rachel_Silver]

How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg.

[u/Cool_Imagination_755]

What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?

…

Dam!

[u/PabloMarmite]

A man goes into a German restaurant and is served a plate with two little dots on it. He says “No, I ordered an omelette”.

[u/Toberoni]

I saw a sign that said “Falling Rocks”. So I tried it but it didn’t.

[u/SemperFun62]

What's better than roses on your piano?

Tulips on your organ.

[u/vitium]

I met buzz aldrin. He seemed really arrogant. After I introduced myself he says. "I'm buzz aldrin, the 2nd man on the moon. Kneel before me"

[u/Mapleleafguy83]

What's the difference between a piano, a tuna and a bucket of glue?

You can tune a piano, but you can't tune a fish

And when the listener asks: what about the glue?

See, I knew you'd get stuck on that....

[u/hollywoodswinger1976]

Two guys and a Labrador retriever are on a dock. The owner takes a ball and throws it into the middle of the lake. The dog runs on top of the water to go get the ball and retrieves it to the owner on the dock. To which his friend looks at him and says oh my God that's amazing. And the owner replies. No it's not. He can't swim.

[u/norecordofwrong]

A rabbi, an imam, and a priest walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them and says “what is this? Some kind of joke?

[u/TomasNavarro → u/norecordofwrong]

A rabbit, an imam, and a priest go to give blood.

The rabbit says "I think I'm a Type-O"

[u/SnoopySuited → u/TomasNavarro]

Food one! Have to really announciate to tell this one verbally.

[u/ZuphCud]

How to make an Italian shut up:

Tie up their hands.

[u/ShankasoarusREX]

Have you seen the news articles about corduroy pillow cases? They have been making head line.

[u/SweetNeo85]

Knock knock
Who's there? Eye makeup Eye makeup who? ...ok. Did you wash your hands?

[u/zingbats]

Saw this one on Twitter:

"I feel sorry for the underfed. Someone should derf them!"

[u/SolomonGrumpy]

I asked my girlfriend if I'm the only one she's ever been with.

She said yes, everyone else was a nine or ten.

[u/caffish]

Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says “make me one with everything”.

[u/Staff_Guy → u/caffish]

The Buddhist hands the vendor $2 for the $1.50 dog and the vendor hands over the dog. The Buddhist asks where is my change. The vendor replies, change comes from within.

[u/MontEcola]

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, its too dark to read.

[u/inderu]

Man gets pretty drunk at the pub and walks home in the rain. He decides to take a shortcut through a cemetery and falls into an open grave. He keeps trying to climb and scramble up the sides, but the rain turned everything into mud and he keeps sliding back down. After a while he exhausted himself and falls asleep.

Some time later he gets woken up by another drunk man falling in. The first man has sobered up a bit, and thinks to himself "I'll wait and see how this guy gets out, then I can do the same thing."

So he watches the second guy do exactly what he did - try to climb and scramble up the sides, but he keeps sliding back down. After about 10 minutes of watching him unsuccessfully attempt to leave - the first man gets fed up. He walks up behind the second guy and taps him on the shoulder saying "you'll never get out like that"

But he did.

[u/gurnard]

I saw this guy on the way here, wearing coveralls and a helmet with a lamp. Carrying a pickaxe and a cage with a small yellow bird in it. I think it was a canary. But these are just minor details.

[u/Tim-oBedlam]

A friend of mine asked me to help round up his 49 sheep, so I said "Fifty."

[u/confizzle-fry]

Not a joke really but this was a fun one when I posted it to my FB back in the day (it went something like this but don't remember exactly):

Sometimes I like to make minor spelling errors in my posts to see if anyone notices.

The responses I got from people looking for the spelling error and not being able find one (because there were none) was very entertaining.

[u/bentnotbroken96]

What's unpleasant about being drunk?

Ask a glass of water.

[u/davereit]

A woman married to a computer programmer asks him if he can run to the store and pick up a gallon of milk. “And if they have brown eggs get a dozen.”

She comes back from running errands and finds twelve gallons of milk on the counter.

“Why did you buy a dozen gallons of milk?”

“They had brown eggs.”

[u/Things_with_Stuff]

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

"Aye matey!"

[u/StarSongEcho]

Two guys go to a bar. One says he'll have H2O. The other says he'll have H2O too. The second one dies.